Episode 7 Room 101 - Extra Storage

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101.

The show where three guests compete to cast their biggest gripes

deep into the gloomy vault.

Joining me tonight are, from BBC Breakfast, Bill Turnbull,

actor and comedian Ben Miller and comedian and actor, Jo Brand.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Let's have our first category.

It's fashion.

So who should we turn to first? Obviously Bill.

What is Bill's fashion hate?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Low-slung jeans.

-Hm!

-Apparently it's also known as sagging.

Is that right?

Yeah, stems allegedly from the American prison system, where

they weren't allowed to wear belts, so their trousers drooped a bit,

and then it was taken over by the rappers

and hip hop movement about 20 years ago and has since spread to

everybody else.

I'm all for people expressing themselves in a fashion way

if they want to, but this is a step too far.

Or rather, a step too low, as far as I'm concerned,

cos for me it's just sloppy. And, er,

one of my sons has started doing it as well.

I just can't stand the idea of him

slopping around the house with his trousers halfway down.

It just doesn't work for me.

We have an example of youth in a pair of these low-slung...

AUDIENCE: Eurgh!

You see, you can't walk properly wearing those,

and then you could do yourself a serious injury as well.

-JO:

-But they're gravity-defying, because the guy on the right,

surely they are just about to fall down.

No, cos when you're a teenager you've got a natural hook.

-LAUGHTER

-Is that right?

However, they can have some surprising good purposes.

This is an American gentleman who's decided to rob an off licence.

And this is CCTV footage.

He parks the car and he's in his groovy low-slung jeans,

and goes in - a man on a mission.

LAUGHTER

OK, what is Jo's fashion hate?

Um, my fashion hate is extraordinarily expensive

high-heeled designer shoes.

For so many reasons.

Let's hear a few.

Well, first of all, the ridiculous price they are.

And expecting anyone that isn't posh to buy a pair,

I think is outrageous.

If you're talking Manolo Blahniks or Louboutin,

they come in, you know, up to...

I think the most expensive pair was 20 grand.

But, you know, roughly a grand, you know,

500 to a grand for a pair of shoes.

I just think it's outrageous. I just want to demonstrate

as well... I think they're dangerous.

Like, this is me with my sad old working men's boots.

Walking home from the pub, OK?

Behind me is a rather scary looking man.

I do this.

OK?

Now, this is a woman in Louboutins walking home from the pub.

Scary man.

LAUGHTER

It's true, you cannot run in them.

Yeah, but you don't need to run,

cos the men have their trousers round their knees!

LAUGHTER

Also, I don't know if you're aware, every year in Moscow,

they have a high-heels race.

Let's have a look at it.

LAUGHTER

-Oh, my God!

-Maybe you were right, Jo.

I just...I couldn't stand to lose...

HIGH HEELS TAPPING

It's one of the most feminine sounds, I think.

That recording you just played, I've heard that before.

That's Ann Widdecombe walking down the street.

LAUGHTER

But everything that women wear is pretty grim in terms of comfort,

isn't it? I mean, it's not like... are the shoes the worst bit?

Because...

I mean...

LAUGHTER

It all looks pretty uncomfortable to me!

I mean, it's great, don't get me wrong. It's brilliant.

You know those spiky dog leads with the...

they look so uncomfortable.

And those gags, they don't look nice at all.

Those balls that fix into the...

And you know those the things that come round the back of the...

They look really uncomfortable.

Yeah, I mean, my gimp suit that I have to wear

-on my wedding anniversaries...

-Exactly.

-Very uncomfortable and hot.

OK, what is Ben's fashion pet hate?

Frank, I want to put in shoelaces.

I've never been able to tie shoelaces. I don't...

I don't understand how you do a bow. I've tried it.

They tried to teach me at school. I think it's an insane system.

What I love is, Ben is actually telling the truth here, aren't you?

-Yeah.

-I love it.

-No, I am. I can't tie shoelaces and, um...

I mean, I know you hold one thing in a little...

What do you do with that other bit of string?

You loop that round, you pull that through something... It seems ridiculous.

And I can't get with it. I could never understand it.

It seems far too complicated.

And as a result, I've got my own system.

Oh.

It's quite a boring system.

Yes, it's quite... LAUGHTER

It's not foolproof as a system.

So you take the one lace like that, loop...

Second lace, loop...

bend like that...bow.

APPLAUSE

That's much easier.

It does come undone immediately,

so you have to tie it a couple more times like that.

I'll tell you actually one great thing you can do.

When I was a nurse I used to live with two doctors

and they were tired a lot of the time

and they would fall asleep in front of the telly when they got in.

And so once, I couldn't resist it, I tied their shoelaces together,

and it's so brilliant when they get up,

because you kind of go like that really loudly and they go...

LAUGHTER

OK, then. This is a tricky one.

I'm loath to put in designer shoes, Jo, and I'll tell you why.

Although they are bad for you, they make a lot of women

very, very happy.

And I do find them absolutely hilarious, those low-slung jeans,

but people laughed at us when we dressed in our silly flares

and all that sort of stuff.

So I think shoelaces, if you don't really get it, it's a tough thing,

so I think, yes, it's tricky,

but I am going to put shoelaces into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

Anyway, let's have our next category.

Blimey, it's transport!

So what is Jo's transport gripe?

My transport gripe is rude drivers.

I do all the driving in my family

because my husband never learned to drive.

In my opinion.

LAUGHTER

The thing that really gets to me, when I get most angry

and when I do fight back is that thing where you...

there's only enough room for one car

and there's a car coming towards you, so you pull in

and let them through.

And if they don't sort of go, "Thanks," it drives me mental.

If you thank someone, what do you do?

Do you flash the lights or do you do the little...?

I do the little...like that.

But I flash the lights at night,

cos obviously they can't see you going...

LAUGHTER

I find that when people are crossing the zebra crossing as well,

some people will do the nod and some people will do the thumbs-up,

and some people will just ignore you, so there's a lot of it about.

Do you know what the people are called that ignore you?

They're called men.

LAUGHTER

Jo!

SOME BOOING

I stopped for a... what looked like a hen party.

It was about one o'clock in the morning,

and they all crossed quite slowly across the zebra crossing,

and then one girl turned and just held her top up.

She had a bra on and stuff, but...

It's all right. And, er...

LAUGHTER

I think for about three weeks after,

if anyone on a zebra crossing went...

I thought, "Is that it?"

LAUGHTER

But you wouldn't say, would you,

that it's just men who are rude drivers?

Oh, no, not at all.

You know, I've had a fair number of road rage incidents.

-When you've been the one who's enraged?

-Yeah.

But also I've caused it as well a couple of times.

Oh, yes, indeedy.

LAUGHTER

The thing is, I have been chased in the past by other cars. I once...

LAUGHTER

I was coming home from a Labour Party do once

and I was being followed by this car, so I went

in and out of these little roads, and it was still following me.

And I thought, "I'm going to do what spies do."

So I got up to the lights, I indicated left and so did he behind,

and just as I got to the turn, I swerved right across four lanes

and went off in that direction.

And he couldn't chase me because he'd started to go left.

It was really good fun, but don't do it at home.

You crossed four lanes of traffic without indicating,

and you wonder why people are rude to you on the road?

LAUGHTER

Well, I'm glad you're not just laying it on men cos I've had

women scream at me when I've been driving...

-Of course.

-I've had to ask them to get out of the car.

LAUGHTER

OK, then. So what does Bill not like about the world of transport?

SHOUTS OF AGREEMENT

Oh!

APPLAUSE

A popular choice.

It's middle-lane drivers on the motorway.

What is that about, do you think?

Well, it's about just sitting in that middle lane,

comfortably going at 60, 55, 70mph,

with space to either side of you, saying, "I'm safe here.

"I'm doing up to the speed limit.

"And if you overtake me, you're breaking the law.

"So you can just jolly well sit there."

It's a nice, comfy place to be, it just rather gets in the way.

I really don't understand what it's about. I was, er...

when I first learned to drive, a woman -

it just happened to be a woman - said to me...

-LAUGHTER

-"Have you been on the motorway yet?"

And I said, "I haven't been on the motorway.

"I'm a bit nervous about it." She said, "I'll give you a tip.

"Once you're on, get into the middle lane,

"and then just stay there until you have to get off.

"It takes all the decision making out of it.

"You can just relax and enjoy it."

-People think it's safer.

-Yeah.

-But actually...

I haven't got to worry about changing lanes.

But if you change lanes, it gives you something to think about on the motorway.

Otherwise you get a bit bored.

I find that really annoying.

When the cars go constantly from one lane to another.

Are you one of those people who's constantly changing...always

moving to the inside lane?

If there's a reasonable space, I get over.

Because that frees up space for other people, like yourself,

or probably Frank.

Oooh, lads!

LAUGHTER

I'll tell you what I do do.

If there's someone sitting in the middle lane,

I'll do that thing of overtaking on the outside

and then veering right across them back in the middle lane.

-Yeah, I do that.

-As an instructional moment.

-This is where you should be.

-Making your point.

And what I've started doing over the last couple of years is,

as I go across, I hit the windscreen washer, so they get sprayed.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'll do the same thing

if a man's standing alone in the middle of three urinals.

LAUGHTER

Or I'll get really close behind him and start flashing.

LAUGHTER

They're often not aware you're behind them

trying to get past either, I don't think.

To be honest, I reckon most of us

have done it at some point or another, haven't we?

Sat in... come on, you know you have!

Definitely not.

-Really?

-No, I don't think...

I was with someone who did it once, and, erm...

and she, er...

LAUGHTER

Yay!

..she didn't seem to notice that there was all these horns blasting.

It was like being in a presidential motorcade.

Cars both sides of us, lights flashing, horns - I was terrified!

LAUGHTER

So, what is Ben's transport hate?

WHIRRING

Other pedestrians.

LAUGHTER

You see, we've been talking about the roads, haven't we?

And transport on the roads.

But there is a much bigger problem, Frank, which is...

our pavements are...chaos!

LAUGHTER

You cannot walk safely on a pavement.

People don't know what they're doing. They don't know how to use it.

You'll be walking along a pavement and somebody will stop immediately in front of you

for no reason whatsoever and there will be a mass pile-up.

LAUGHTER

OR...they will suddenly swerve and look into a shop immediately in front of you,

that they showed NO interest in whatsoever,

even, perhaps, five milliseconds before.

Or, suddenly veer from looking at the shops

straight across the pavement and cross the road.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: "Yay!"

GENERAL APPLAUSE

What we need...

What we need is some sort of system,

because what we've got is unworkable.

LAUGHTER

What I'm suggesting is a lane system.

LAUGHTER

This way we can...start enjoying our lives again, Frank.

APPLAUSE

I love the idea of people seeing dog excrement

and having to indicate.

LAUGHTER

Pulling into another lane.

I tell you what, I wear these headphones when I'm out walking.

And, er... with these...

LAUGHTER

If I decide I'm going to turn right...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Or if I have a nervous breakdown.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I have to say, I walk a lot. I am a very keen pedestrian.

And I know exactly what... That thing of suddenly stopping.

What are they doing?! What are they doing?

Or people will stand talking to a friend in the middle of the busiest...

In the middle of the pavement.

Which is clearly for fast-moving traffic.

I tell you my idea. Could you stand here, Ben. With your back to me.

And I'll tell you what... I came up with a theory.

Let's imagine you're standing... Don't look at me!

Let's imagine that you're standing talking to a friend, right.

Once you've been there, I think, more than five minutes,

I come in with this.

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

I won't leave you there. You could be towed away!

-That'd be perfect.

-And I would say thank you, Frank!

Because you've taught me something.

You've taught me something about how to behave on a pavement.

Actually, what I think is, we could nominate marshalls.

The clamping things a great idea, but tasers would also be good.

LAUGHTER

-I'd go with tasers.

-You simply take them down! Sudden stop? You go down!

Well, I must say you've all argued your cases incredibly well.

I don't think anybody likes rude drivers,

but I feel that I am one, to some extent.

-And I think you are as well, Jo.

-All right.

-So, we're all guilty.

And if I put us all in, then that's going to be the show over already.

People who drive in the mid-lane, I do hate.

But I also get quite a lot of pleasure from baiting them.

LAUGHTER

But, this is such a close round, but I have so, so, strong a feeling

about pedestrians who don't know how to be pedestrians...

I am going to put other pedestrians into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

Anyway, let's have our next category.

Righto, it's People. What sort of people wind Jo up?

SOME GROANS AND APPLAUSE

People who have personalised number plates,

because first of all, they could just have a one size fits all

that says, "Donkey". And...

I bet you've cleaned that one up a bit, haven't you?

Yeah, I wasn't allowed to say "tosser" or "wanker". So...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I just think these are all about flaunting your wealth,

again, which is not my favourite thing to see.

It's drawing attention to yourself.

I must, actually... years ago, I was driving through central London.

and this huge flash American car pulled up next to me at the lights,

it was brown and it had gold lettering on it.

And I looked across and it said, "PD" in big, gold letters,

which, as a psychiatric nurse, means "personality disorder".

LAUGHTER

But I looked at the driver,

and there was Paul Daniels waving back at me.

Like that. It's not magic. Piss off.

I'm a little edgy about this, because I...

-Have you got one?

-I have one.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And...

..my car's been on telly quite a lot of times,

so you might actually recognise my number plate.

LAUGHTER

No, no, it's not that one.

No, this is my one.

It's not that inventive, but,

you know, I've got a lot on my plate.

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

Yes, I don't really have one.

But I have to say that sometimes I like to spot them

and they sort of cheer me up,

because some of them are quite funny and inventive.

This is a genuine example. I live on the River Thames,

and I pass a double garage along the Thames on a regular basis,

and there are two cars parked in this garage,

and this is a photo that I took with my phone, and this is genuine.

Those are the two cars.

-Now, I like that. That is funny. I like that.

-It is brilliant.

But it must be quite hard driving along together all the time.

Should I stop running my keys along the side of them, then?

LAUGHTER

Oh, no, don't stop that!

If that was an available number plate, that one,

and say tonight I said, "You can have this for free, Jo,"

what would you do? Would you have it?

I'd give it to someone I didn't like.

And then someone might think it was me, and if they hated me,

they might vandalise the car.

LAUGHTER

OK. So what kind of people doesn't Ben like?

WHIRRING

I don't like friends' friends.

I mean, I find it hard enough to get on with my friends anyway.

LAUGHTER

It's such hard work. You have to put such an immense amount of effort in.

You have to be the best person you can be, you have to be kind,

you have to be considerate, you have to listen. You have to be...

you have to be a very selfless person,

and I simply can't extend that to their friends.

Who I...

..really don't like at all.

LAUGHTER

It can be irritating when a friend of a friend...

they share an in-joke. So they say,

"Do you remember that guy who couldn't tie his shoelaces?"

That sort of thing, and they laugh hilariously.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's true!

It's the effort involved.

I feel like I'm using up a bit of my soul,

something very precious that's inside of me

that I've only got so much of,

and I'm spending it, I'm spending it,

I'm spending it with people I really can't stand,

and worse of all, I've got to be nice to them.

That's what I find really...

Being nice is absolutely exhausting.

How do you ever make new friends, then?

I haven't got any friends.

I've only got Dave, and I really don't like him much.

Have you ever thought of going into social work?

OK. What people wind up Bill?

WHIRRING

Oh.

This is a slightly pernickety one, but I don't like

people who can't tell the difference between bees and wasps.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You see here? This is a bee.

And this is a wasp.

Yes.

It's a wasp.

-The two...

-I knew that, Bill!

No, but for the benefit of people at home,

they are very, very different.

They are, in fact, mortal enemies.

When a bee meets a wasp, they fight to the death.

-Is that true?

-Yes.

I know this because I happen to keep bees in my spare time.

And beekeepers hate wasps, because wasps are always trying

to get into the hive to steal the honey,

especially at the end of the summer.

-The wasps steal the bees' honey?

-They do.

-Are you sure you haven't got them mixed up with bears?

-No...

LAUGHTER

Can I just say, to be fair,

that is the whole game the wasp is into.

The wasp is imitating the bee.

I can't blame people for not being able to tell the difference.

That is the wasp's plan.

LAUGHTER

He's right, though. He's right, Bill.

They do the voice and everything.

I've got... have you seen these?

This is a thing for kids, really, but believe me,

adults can use it too. It's called a Watch-A-Bug,

and the idea is that - commercially available -

you catch something, a bee or a wasp,

and you keep it.

You put it on this platform and you keep it under that little grid.

Why?

Well...

Let's imagine you were out and you got mugged.

Person heading towards you, and you say,

"OK, OK. If that's what you want... go on! Go on!"

Off they go. It's a little bit like

the sort of working class version of falconry.

No, it's a real thing, and you put it in there,

and you can study the insects.

I'll tell you something, this is one woman, Bill,

that I really don't think you should go out with.

There's no mistake.

We've got to call the police now.

Now, Mary, you're just getting a little excited.

Who could possibly want to hurt Mr Cooper?

I don't know.

What abou...?

SHE SCREAMS

LAUGHTER

She obviously had high heels on,

cos she was completely useless at running away.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, so we come to the end of the People round.

Well, it's a tricky one. I mean, the friends' friend thing,

I know it can be a horrible, awkward social situation.

Personalised number plates often are owned by complete prats,

but they can make me laugh, and I do like to spot them.

I love a celebrity spot.

I'll tell you what - I am...

I think Bill's won me over.

I am going to put people who can't tell the difference

between bees and wasps into Room 101.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

OK, let's have the next category.

Ah, now, this is the Wildcard round.

So the gloves are off now. There are no limitations.

You can have anything that you don't like in this round.

So, what's Jo's wildcard?

WHIRRING

It's vampire films.

Oh, no...!

CLAPPING

The problem with vampire films is they're SO boring.

Because they've got a lot of people being bitten in the neck,

and you get slightly bored with that after a while,

and they've kind of skimped on character, plot, atmosphere...

Pretty much anything you can think of.

This is a difficult one for me, cos you know I love you, Jo,

but I do love a vampire film.

Well, give me five reasons why you love a vampire film

and I will accept, that I am not even going to get a point today.

I think it encourages people to read books -

they often go and read the original book.

It encourages them to write. OK, on their forearm with a compass, but...

LAUGHTER

And there are a lot of people that it is absolutely at the centre of their universe.

The vampire movie genre.

We have a woman here - this woman filmed herself watching

the trailer for Breaking Dawn Part 2 which is one of the Twilight series.

She filmed herself because she wanted to capture that moment

when she first saw it.

And I think this shows to me what love and passion is all about.

Here we go.

Oh, no, pause, nuh-uh!

I can't... Mm-mm. Mm-mm. I can't.

Once I've watched it, that's it!

Once I've watched it,

I'm never going to be able to watch the trailer again for the first time!

(Pain...!)

-Oh, my god, she's just jumped over a

-BLEEP

-waterfall!

Oh, now look, now the cat's dead!

Oh. No.

-Oh, my

-BLEEP

-God! Pecs!

I wouldn't want to be with her when she watches the box set

if the trailer does that to her.

What about... This is another woman who has a tattoo of the Twilight people.

AUDIENCE GROANS

That's beautiful, isn't it?

And if you think there's quite a lot of foliage, there's a reason.

Because originally, it was the presenters from Groundforce.

LAUGHTER

So, what is Ben's wildcard?

WHIRRING

APPLAUSE

Can I say, Ben. We usually do, like, a fancy prop,

but no-one on the team knew what it meant.

Homeopathy is a type of medicine you can buy over the counter

in lots of alternative health shops,

but some mainstream chemists, as well.

And, basically, the idea stems from a German scie...

Well, not scientist, exactly, because he had no qualifications whatsoever.

A German man, to give him his full title.

LAUGHTER

His theory was, if you had an illness,

whatever the symptoms were of that illness,

if you took some substance which gave you the same symptoms,

it would cure you.

So if you've got a high temperature - say, you've got malaria,

then take a substance, usually a poison,

that would give you a high temperature,

and this would cure you.

This is something that has no biological connection

to the illness that you have. So...

because a lot of the compounds that he wanted to use were poisons

he decided that diluting something made it stronger -

stick with it, cos it's brilliant -

LAUGHTER

..provided you knocked it 10 times on a saddlebag...

a leather saddlebag, filled with horse hair.

LAUGHTER

And yet we all take it - I'm sure there are people here who will swear...

Is there any one here who has taken homeopathy and swears it works?

-Not any more!

-LAUGHTER

What about cystitis?

LAUGHTER

Might as well check while I'm here.

LAUGHTER

Take it for cystitis, yeah. There's nothing in it.

Nothing in the tablets. The pills are just sugar pills,

the liquid homeopathic medicine is just water.

You're just rubbishing the whole of homeopathy?

Yes.

No. I'm not rubbishing it. It IS rubbish.

APPLAUSE

But you are a scientist, Ben, so you're a bit biased.

What, biased because I like some evidence?

Yeah. That's what I hate about scientists.

At the claims that a doctor makes.

Yeah, sorry, I am a bit biased, cos I do like it to actually work.

But it's not just about standard medicine.

I don't believe there's just proper medicine and then other stuff is...

Bee stings cure arthritis, don't they?

They can be used as a treatment, yes.

I think what happens is you release the bees and everyone goes...

LAUGHTER

"Oh, that actually feels much better!"

OK. What's Bill's wildcard?

WHIRRING

It's dirty, it's noisy, it's dangerous - it's sneezing.

Sneezing.

Yeah. I hate sneezing!

-Oh, I see that's "a-tissue".

-Yes.

-Ah, of course.

I hate sneezing when I sneeze,

I hate sneezing when other people sneeze.

Everything has to stop when you sneeze.

And I can't sneeze once, I have to sneeze at least three times.

And one sneeze... OK.

Two sneezes, I get irritated.

Three sneezes, I am furious.

LAUGHTER

Just for heaven's sake, let's stop the sneezing.

Just get on with our lives.

Well, my dad was a big sneezer. But you did get a warning.

-You used to do several...

-HE GASPS

My mum would be going, "Cover the food! Cover the food!"

LAUGHTER

I remember I got a job and the bloke who was my boss at the job was,

I think, one of the first middle class people I ever met.

And it was the first time I ever heard that middle-class sneeze.

I was talking to him and he said, "Yes, I... Tsh."

LAUGHTER

I didn't know what had happened!

I thought he'd swallowed a chaffinch.

LAUGHTER

We've got a...

a...an information film from the 1950s

to tell people all this sort of stuff.

'You may have met a few people who like doing this sorry of thing.

'They're a nuisance I agree, but pretty harmless.

'You have certainly seen clowns like this.

'They're not a nuisance, they're a real danger.

'Stop it, you! Stop it! Stop it!

'Come here, what do you think you're up to?

'You've probably infected thousands of people already.

'What do you think this is for?'

STUDIO LAUGHTER

SNEEZES LOUDLY

'Sneeze - handkerchief. Got it? Fine.'

OK. There goes the Wildcard round.

And, er...

I...I don't think...I can put sneezing in.

Because for me, it's something that I find quite exciting.

I love the anticipation.

That sort of excitement and suspense I used to get from sex.

LAUGHTER

Erm... Oh, this is so difficult. Erm...

You know, I love vampire films, but the fact is, I have seen them all.

So, I could just put them in and to hell with everyone else. Erm...

But I can't put the vampires in.

It's no good - I'm going to have to put homeopathy into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

And that brings us to the end of the show. Well done, Ben.

You were the most persuasive tonight.

So you are this week's winner.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So thank you very much.

Bill Turnbull, Ben Miller and Jo Brand.

And thank you. Goodnight!

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