Episode 4 Room 101 - Extra Storage

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,

the show where three guests compete to have their biggest bugbears

banished forever to the dreaded vault.

Our guests' choices have been sorted into categories

and, in each round, only one item can be chosen.

The final decision is mine. Let's meet this week's guests.

Joining me tonight are comedian Miles Jupp,

presenter Vernon Kay,

and TV Dragon Kelly Hoppen.

Right, then, let's have our first category.

It's People.

So what kind of people wind up Miles Jupp?

LAUGHTER

Well, the people that deserve to go in Room 101

are parents who allow their children to climb up slides.

This child is climbing up the slide.

This is not the way that things are supposed to happen.

This child, who may or may not be enjoying themselves,

is ruining this child's life.

I don't know if it's the sort of thing

George Orwell was concerned about when he came up with the idea,

but this child belongs in some sort of eternal damnation.

LAUGHTER

Are you against wheelchair ramps on the same basis?

LAUGHTER

No. No, they're clearly a very sensible idea, Frank.

I know you were saying before the programme started, in make-up,

you were going on about how you thought

those people had it too easy. But I...

You'll remember I tried to talk you down from that position.

Yes. You were indeed the voice of reason.

If you don't sort of follow

the sort of conventions and systems that we have in society,

you don't really deserve to be part of society.

We should show what happens, actually,

when you try to go back up the slide,

but we're not allowed to show this kind of clash with children,

so we've had to get some other creatures to stand in for them.

And there you go.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

But they do try and go back up.

LAUGHTER

That's what happens.

That is why pandas are dying out.

I used to love climbing up slides.

-Right, well, you're a danger and a menace.

-Yeah.

That's all about what kids do, isn't it?

It's about the kids then having a fight -

-who's going to get up or who's going to get down.

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's part of life.

If what you sort of get high on

is forcing children to fight and wrestle,

I could appreciate this is the sort of thing

-that you ought to encourage.

-No!

Do you think it's related to the decline in snakes and ladders?

Because children used to know, up the ladders,

I mean, that was part of life, but now that's gone...

Would you dare to tell another person's child not to do it?

I'm wary, obviously.

There's this sort of difficult... sort of boundaries, aren't there?

So if other people sort of tell your children off,

then you take that as a direct attack on your parenting skills.

-Neighbours used to take your football off you...

-Yeah.

..and keep it, you know.

I remember we used to play cricket in the street,

and if you got a six, it would definitely hit someone's house.

And then they'd say, "Right, I'm having that.

"Give me your bat and your ball, and I'll tell your mum as well!"

-"And if it comes over here again, I'll put a knife through it."

-Yeah!

That's what they said about our dog.

LAUGHTER

I want to show you a few slides.

This is a fabulous elephant-themed slide, which...

LAUGHTER

It's a sort of a...

Sort of back to the womb instinct in that child, I think.

Amazing.

What if they had a plunger and just fired kids into the elephant?

What about...

This is one, I think, ideal for the kid who wants to climb up the slide.

It's a terrible design fault.

Not quite as bad as this one.

OK, then. What kind of people wind up Kelly?

Ooh, people with weak handshakes.

Oh, that's horrid!

I just think there is nothing worse...

If somebody is going to come and shake your hand,

they're coming to shake your hand.

They come towards you, and literally, it's just weak.

And what's worse is it's always slightly...

-Moist.

-Moist, yeah.

I don't understand the moist thing.

I go to Catholic church on Sundays,

and we have a bit where we have to shake hands with each other,

and sometimes you shake hands and it's just sodden with sweat.

And I look at them, and I'm thinking,

"Look, you're wearing absorbent clothing.

"You could have prepped for this."

If they've got a PVC cat-suit on, OK, but they rarely have.

You've got to know when to start and when to stop and what strength.

Just got to know.

Albert Pierrepoint, who was the hangman in this country -

there he is, Albert -

bought that house on his wages.

Money for old rope, if you ask me!

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

He could... What he used to do,

he would shake hands with the condemned person

-and he had developed a method where he could judge their weight...

-Oh!

..from the handshake and then he'd know how long to make the rope,

-so, you know, it was a quick, clean kill.

-Is that for true?

That's absolutely true.

Very unpopular with women.

-Oh, really?

-"Lovely to meet you.

"Oh, you had a good Christmas."

LAUGHTER

There's...there's sort of two extremes.

You can also get a handshake which is so strong,

and people that have strong handshakes,

they don't let go, and your hand starts to lose,

you know, feeling in it, which I would rather that than this.

-This, to me...

-Really?

Oh, yeah. This is just... You kind of don't know what to say, do you?

You're just left hanging, and you sort of hang, and you just...

-You know?

-Yeah.

There's just something really distasteful about it

and it annoys me.

But if you're given one, what do you give back?

Oh, I squeeze it to death!

Wring it.

Do you do the kiss on both cheeks type thing?

Yeah, and sometimes three.

Three cheeks?

-No, no...

-LAUGHTER

No, because certain countries, like Holland and Belgium,

-people give three kisses.

-Mmm.

Sometimes it gets a bit confusing.

You don't know whether to go in for the third or not.

I kissed Ulrika Jonsson once at a showbiz do,

in my early days, when I wasn't as sophisticated -

I'd just come down from Birmingham.

As I kissed her, she obviously sensed I was, er, an innocent.

She went, "Both cheeks."

And so I knew exactly what to do.

And, um, I'd never kissed anyone who didn't smell of chips.

This is Prince Charles and Camilla with the Dalai Lama.

Now, the Dalai Lama is an enthusiastic hand-shaker,

but just watch this.

Charles is not that keen at the beginning.

Goes in early.

Charles, "No, I don't think I will." But he won't give up.

He won't give up, the Dalai, he's always got something up his sleeve.

"Come on. Yes, got you."

And I'll grab this as well.

This is two hours later. He hasn't let go.

LAUGHTER

As they say, there are three people in this marriage.

But handshakes aren't fun any more, are they,

with the various diseases knocking around.

You can't enjoy a handshake any more.

Maybe you just go up and just do that.

I'm shaking with one hand,

my other hand's already on the antiseptic wash.

On the hand sanitiser.

I shook hands with the Queen, for example.

-I bet you... Have you met the Queen?

-Yeah.

Yeah. She wears gloves at all times for handshaking.

-Well, do you blame her?

-No. She burns them after.

I know this for a fact.

She's got a nice handshake.

She's got... Yeah, well, I couldn't tell,

because I wondered if it might be some sort of robot hand.

Apparently, during the swine flu epidemic,

she wore a falconry gauntlet.

LAUGHTER

Not taking any risks at all!

Sometimes a handshake can go wrong, and then it can be embarrassing.

This is Gordon Brown with Barack Obama.

Now, his handshake, I imagine... He's very confident.

Gordon Brown, a more difficult character.

Look at him shaking hands with a policeman.

"Nice to see you." And Gordon?

"I don't think so."

LAUGHTER

That's harsh, isn't it?

OK, then, what kind of people wind up Vernon?

People that drop litter. There you go.

-People who drop litter.

-Oh, do my head in.

I don't understand why people feel the need to drop litter

and not take it home and find a bin.

-If I was to just turn up in your living room, Frank...

-Yeah.

..and empty the contents of my kitchen bin in your front room

-and then leave, you'd be well annoyed.

-Mm.

So why do people do it on the street?

I know what you mean. People shouldn't throw litter.

But people like yourself, they do get a bit wound up about it.

Is it such a terrible thing?

Don't you find that litter can sometimes brighten

an otherwise grey pavement?

There was an incident near my house, and someone had fly-tipped.

I thought, "I'm going to have a look through that,

"see what they've dumped." So I had a rummage through

and, lo and behold, there were some gas bills and electric bills.

-Ooh!

-I thought, "Right. Here we go."

So I got the car,

loaded up all of his rubbish in the back of my car,

put his postcode in the sat nav,

got down to the end of his driveway, opened his gates

and just started launching it down this guy's drive.

Now, when he came to the front door, he's like, "What are you doing?"

I was like, "What do you think I'm doing?

So I carried on chucking stuff down his driveway, thinking,

-"I hope to goodness it's the right address!"

-Oh, no!

LAUGHTER

And he said, "It's not my rubbish." I said, "Yes, it is."

He said, "Well, how do you know?"

I said, "Because you left your gas bills

"and your electric bills in this bin bag."

And he just went...

"Oh, yeah. Sorry about that."

LAUGHTER

I bought myself a... And this is actually my own litter picker.

I bought it off eBay for £4.99.

Can I say that that is not a prop.

Vernon brought that in.

I did, I bought it.

When we go walking our dog up and down the lane... I live near

a farm and there's, like, rubbish strewn along the side of the road.

So I thought, "You know what?

"While I'm walking my dog I'll clean that up."

-What about this one?

-That's a beauty.

I'm thinking I could do a vent act with this.

"Where have you been, Charlie?"

"Oh, I've been down...

"I've been for a country walk with Vernon Kay."

-Lovely.

-Does that really pick up rubbish?

Yeah, it's really to pick up rubbish.

-What did you think it was for?

-I don't know. I wasn't sure.

Yeah, it's because my handshake isn't as good as I'd like it to be.

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

You've all argued your case very well.

I don't want to put children who climb slides.

It's specifically the parents, Frank. I'm not blaming the children.

I realise that, but I'm a parent myself, and to be honest,

when I'm in a playground, I'm just so keen to say,

"I am with this child and I'm not here on my own",

that I let him run riot, to be honest.

And, Kelly, I appreciate your point,

but I also think that sometimes people overdo the...

They try to prove a point.

Maybe you're putting a bit too much into it.

However, I'm struggling to argue against litter.

So I am going to put people who drop litter into Room 101.

-Anthony Costa, ladies and gentlemen.

-LAUGHTER

Next category, please.

OK, it's the Audience Choice now.

I believe we have Ian Manley in the audience. Where are you, Ian?

-There you are.

-Yeah.

-I see a raised hand.

Ian, what would you like to put into Room 101?

My choice for Room 101 is people on boats,

er, who happen to think it's necessary

to actually wave at other people on other boats.

LAUGHTER

Do you think you can tell, somebody that's waving,

whether they have a limp wave...

LAUGHTER

I tell you what, I used to drive the old Volkswagen Beetle

and, if I passed someone else in a Volkswagen Beetle, we would...

We would both do the little wave, you know?

And I think it's the same thing, you know.

It's sort of acknowledging that coincidence.

"You're on a boat, I'm on a boat.

"Small world."

LAUGHTER

Yes, I can see that point of view

but I've been on the night bus going through Kilburn at two in the morning

with other kindred spirits...

LAUGHTER

..and I wouldn't actually feel the need to actually wave to any of them,

as it could be the last wave I ever do.

LAUGHTER

I don't feel I can go with this one.

I just think you are being a bit grumpy.

-HE LAUGHS

-I think, in this world,

where everyone's so frightened of each other

and people don't speak to their neighbours,

it's lovely that people feel, when they've got a bit of distance,

that they can wave at people.

So I am not going to put people who wave from boats into Room 101.

But it's still...

It was a very fine choice, though, so what about a big hand for Ian?

OK, let's have our next category.

Ah, modern life.

So what about modern life winds up Kelly Hoppen?

Loo roll covers. I hate them.

First of all, it's like almost sort of creating a shrine to a loo roll.

I don't know why anybody would want to sort of draw attention to it.

And she just... I mean, I just think it's the height of kitsch, this.

-I absolutely loathe it. It really annoys me.

-Oh, wow.

-Yeah.

-I remember my grandma had one. It was a flamenco doll.

I was just going to say, flamenco was a big thing.

I think she could stand in two upright toilet rolls.

It was a big flamenco dress.

I mean, I think the idea is that the toilet roll,

it has unsavoury associations,

and so...

LAUGHTER

No, but it's true.

You know, you want the extra toilet roll in there,

because, you know, it's important to know that there is backup.

This is what I have in my own...

There you go! I would much rather that. Much better.

This is what I call my worst-case scenario stand.

LAUGHTER

I've never got through more than two in one...

I think that's perfectly acceptable.

I just... I think that's just awful.

If you accept that toilet roll covers are to, sort of,

hide the toilet roll, what a stupid idea is this one?

LAUGHTER

If I went to someone's house, I would use THAT.

I've got a celebrity toilet roll cover.

LAUGHTER

That's evil.

I don't think she's OFFICIALLY been declared evil.

Can I ask, what do you do in your toilet?

LAUGHTER

Tell you what. I hope somebody's just switched on at that moment.

I just have, like, a big, glass dish,

which is from the floor up, like that,

and it's just full of loo rolls.

How many have you got in there, would you say?

Probably about eight.

What are you getting through a week?

LAUGHTER

Average week. Two meals in a day.

I used to live alone.

I would be hard pushed to get through a toilet roll

-every two weeks.

-Oh, here we go!

In fact, if I was hard pushed, I probably wouldn't get through one!

LAUGHTER

But my girlfriend moves in and now we get through about five a week.

She'll say to me - honestly, I've seen her do this -

she'll stand like this and she'll say,

"Yeah, I'm just going to have a quick pee."

A quick pee?!

So she'll have about this much on her hand,

and then she'll say, "Right, I'll just go and have a quick pee."

I think, "There's no need to use the toilet!

"You could just pee into your hand!"

LAUGHTER

It would be sufficiently absorbent!

OK, then.

What doesn't Miles like about the modern world?

I have a control button here.

LAUGHTER

Very good!

I really have a problem with automated doors,

particularly this... This is a fine example. Sliding doors.

I have a... Perhaps it's because I grew up around normal doors,

I'm naturally more attuned to them. But sliding doors...

Not the film. I've got no problem with the film.

But I...

LAUGHTER

For instance, on trains, you're surrounded by sliding doors.

They don't even have an industry standard,

so you get to the end of the carriage and think,

"Is this one of the ones with a button? No, it's the one with..."

and you jump around for ages, or there's a concealed thing,

a button that maybe opens, or it's touch-sensitive,

or it's a proper button. And then, having got through the door,

you get to the lavatory. You're bursting to go to the lavatory.

It takes absolutely ages for the door to open.

You get in, you think, "Thank goodness me, I'm in the loo."

You're about to... You think, "I've got to wait for the door to close."

And that's another six or seven seconds. I think that is the moment

when most people wet themselves on public transport.

There is nothing wrong with normal doors.

These are an abomination.

They should be consigned to the furnaces of history.

Also, I think, when you make an entrance,

it's great with electric doors, don't you think?

When you come up and they go, "Swoosh!" And you walk in.

-Especially with smoke behind.

-Yeah, fantastic.

Whereas a door, you've got to do this,

and it's cumbersome and everything. That's good for an entrance.

That's brilliant. I never look at anything and think,

"Would that be any good for an entrance?"

I'm all for sort of gadgetry

that doesn't really achieve anything, or isn't necessary.

Er, why?

Can I persuade you into automatic things that we don't need?

What about this?

This is for people...

who like bursting bubble wrap but there's no bubble wrap around.

-Oh, I love them!

-It's an electric bubble wrap thing, so...

DEVICE CLICKS

Does it feel like proper?

-It's not quite the same.

-No.

Never is, is it, the machine?

LAUGHTER

What do you imagine that is?

Oh, is it...? It's one of those things for measuring flutes.

LAUGHTER

This is an actual commercially available gadget.

You know when you have to press control-alt-delete?

LAUGHTER

It's for doing that.

How brilliant!

They are examples... They are technologies that are working.

I mean, they're successful at what they do.

Sliding doors only create havoc.

The thing is, if you didn't have automatic doors,

you wouldn't have had this very, very lovely moment.

CHUCKLING

LAUGHTER

That's so cruel!

OK. What doesn't Vernon like about modern life?

The decline of kids' games,

because now our kids are turning into finger-sweepers.

You know, they just sit on iPads and phones.

It's the fact that kids are sitting on their backsides

and using their fingers to play games,

instead of getting out on the street and playing hide-and-seek,

tig, British bulldog.

And, you know, it's games like that on the decline, Frank,

that have turned this country upside-down.

We played a game at school, this is absolutely true,

called British Bull Snog.

And it would be boys versus girls.

The girls would line up and we'd be ready

and they had to run to the other side, and if we caught them,

-we got to...snog them.

-There you go.

-Yeah.

-There you go.

Unfortunately, I was the caretaker.

I shouldn't really have been...

LAUGHTER

No, we did. That was a game we played.

Yeah, there's all kinds.

We used to play a game called Chainy, where, once again,

one kid would be "it", and then you'd tig someone else

and then you'd hold hands, and then you'd run around together

and try and tig someone else, and then they'd join the chain,

and then the chain would end when everyone kind of trapped

the last kid in the corner of the playground, and then, you know...

I played that for four and a half hours with the Dalai Lama.

LAUGHTER

So you generally think it's better to do the real thing

than to do some sort of Internet version of it?

Yeah, cos, you know...

Then how do you explain this?

Oh!

Before we go any further, can I just say...

..that that is still available.

LAUGHTER

-And it really is quality family entertainment.

-No, but...

It will bring the family together, Frank,

in a social situation where you can sit and chat

and find the top answer in the surveys we've carried out.

LAUGHTER

I think this was the beginning of the end, wasn't it, for that,

was the Pop-O-Matic dice shaker.

-Do you remember that?

-Yeah.

When people, kids were too lazy to shake a dice...

LAUGHTER

But I think that's also a practical innovation,

-so that you don't lose your die.

-I never thought of that.

-Yeah.

For instance, if you run a remote youth hostel,

and someone steals the dice...

LAUGHTER

-Skipping.

-Skipping!

-Oh, I love skipping.

-Skipping, yeah.

Did you skip at school? The boys didn't really skip, did they?

-I still skip.

-What about this for skipping for the 21st century?

It's the ultimate cardio workout.

It's what boxes and athletes do to get in shape for competition.

But it's just not that easy for the rest of us.

UNTIL NOW!

Introducing Cardio Jump,

the fat-blasting, heart-pumping, body-shaping workout

that everyone can do.

Cardio jump's ropeless design makes it easy

and delivers all the same benefits as jumping rope - without the rope!

Brilliant!

In case you were wondering, this is it.

Oh, come on, Kelly - show us!

This is the actual machine.

-Do you want to show us, Kelly?

-I do.

-I've never done this before.

-Well, it's not that difficult!

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I have to say, it's not quite as satisfactory, actually,

than having the rope go round.

Yeah, but, as it says, skipping is quite hard. You do get the same...

You know, you can do that thing -

you know when you see people doing that one?

-And then you could cross.

-And then you'd cross.

LAUGHTER

Can I say now, I'm slightly out of control.

One of these could hit me round the face at any time.

So the old-fashioned skipping rope...

It's just so people...

Why play the real thing when you can play it on the Internet?

Well, then you've got all them arguments

about our kids getting fat and, "Oh, obesity is rife."

Yeah, it's cos they're sat on the sofa just doing this.

You don't burn many calories whilst you're sweeping,

playing Fruit Ninja. You know what I mean?

Go and get your dad's axe out of the garage.

Throw some apples up and try and slice them in half.

You know, that's REAL Fruit Ninja!

And remember, children, please don't try that at home.

I wonder if it is health and safety

that's put a stop to some of these kids' games.

-It must be!

-Do you remember the compass game?

You used to get a compass and hold your hand like that.

It was like self-harming, but with an element of chance!

-Yeah. My brother used to play that.

-You couldn't do that now!

I agree. Board games. Fantastic.

Board games. But you can get them on your tablet now.

Board games don't keep you very fit, do they?

No, but they bring children together, you know.

We used to play Monopoly. We used to play forever.

In Monopoly, it's a game where you learn to cheat the bank, you know.

Surely that's a skill everyone should be learning these days!

Yes. Well, even bullying now is all done on the Internet.

Yeah, exactly!

At least when you were being bullied,

you used to get a bit of fresh air!

Do kids still pretend to be people?

Like when we were at school, you know,

-we'd be Doctor Who one week and then the Saint.

-Yeah, yeah.

We had an incident at our house

that involved, er, the police coming round,

and me...me cleaning another man's blood off my patio.

Um...

What were you playing? Brookside?

LAUGHTER

No. What happened was there was a dramatic incident

at our house, in our garden.

Two police ladies came and they were sort of taking statements,

and then my oldest son suddenly appeared at the door

and sort of coughed, and we all turned round,

and he'd gone and dressed as a policeman.

He'd got this great helmet, and he goes,

"If you hit the top of my helmet, there's a siren."

You have to have some things that kids do on the Internet

that they don't do in the real world. I think that's acceptable.

I could imagine you at your house saying,

"Never mind playing Grand Theft Auto!

"Go joyriding! Go on!

"Go on, have that."

So, anyway, I don't feel I can accept automatic doors,

because I love any bit of...

anything that makes me feel like I'm living in the 21st Century.

I think toilet roll covers are quite a nice thing,

because toilet rolls are fine, but you can't get round the fact

that they get involved in some pretty unpleasant activities,

and I'd rather that was just, you know, kept under cover.

So I am going to put...

LAUGHTER

..modern children's games into Room 101.

Yeah!

APPLAUSE

Next category, please.

OK, it's the Wildcard round, so there are no restraints.

You can pick ANYTHING that you don't like.

So what is Kelly's wildcard?

My pet hate is tradesmen.

So you're ringing up to have Sky come round, BT, a plumber,

an electrician, and they give you a date,

and they say they'll come between 9am and 6pm.

They turn up at 5.50pm

and then they don't have the parts to fix your...whatever it is.

Yeah. That's a good one.

Do you know, the AA are better.

-They're brilliant.

-Yeah.

The AA, if you break down, they ALWAYS turn up.

But you can't break down and they say,

"We'll be there between nine and six."

We all work. We're all busy. Why can they not say to you,

"I'll either call you an hour before I'm going to get to your home",

so it gives you time to leave and get back?

And most of the time you tell them kind of what's wrong.

You'd think they would have a van full of what they need,

not that they have to go and order it,

then you have to wait another three weeks for somebody to turn up.

It's just ... That is not the 20th century.

-No...

-LAUGHTER

-It's the 21st century.

-Sorry, the 21st!

APPLAUSE

I am dyslexic.

That's the trouble. That's why they don't deliver on time.

You live in a time vortex.

I love it.

I've got some pictures of tradesmen, sort of, building, um...

I don't want to call them mistakes, but let's say unsatisfactory jobs.

The first one I like to call "The Trapped Fridge".

LAUGHTER

That was actually fitted in someone's kitchen.

That is awesome.

The next one, I think, in a strange way, is very inventive.

LAUGHTER

And when the door's shut, you can hand the toilet roll through.

-There you go.

-Perfect!

OK, what is Vernon's wildcard?

Three-quarter length shorts.

What is the point?

You go on holiday

and you wear a short

that tans your lower calf.

And the majority of three-quarter length shorts

have elasticated bottoms to stop the water from going up your leg,

should you choose to go for a walk in the sea.

I just do not understand.

It's often sort of British lads abroad, isn't it?

Often more used to stop the water coming down your leg.

Yes.

I mean, I've been to a lot of overseas games with England,

and you see a lot of England fans with those slip-on white trainers

and the three-quarter length shorts. I think these are people

that only wear long trousers for court appearances.

We've got a picture of some of these shorts.

There you go. Look at that.

That was, er, that was my stag do.

I wonder if they are full length

but they rise up every time they do that...

LAUGHTER

I'm sure we'll see plenty of that at the Brazil World Cup in Rio.

LAUGHTER

Now, you famously wore shorts, didn't you, on Splash?

Look at that. Now, that's a man's short!

I got a lot of grief for wearing shorts.

Well, it's very unusual to see a presenter wearing shorts.

That's why I got a lot of grief.

At least I didn't wear THEM bad boys! I'd look like a right buffoon.

In fairness, you don't see the espadrille enough, do you, on, er...

-LAUGHTER

-No, you're right.

..early evening entertainment formats.

OK. So what is Miles's wildcard?

I really don't like loud noises.

I'm quite a jumpy person.

I'm not...you know, I'm not as brave as I initially appear.

Er, I... So I...

You must be THAT brave, at least!

I think the vast majority of noises

are either far too quiet or far too noisy. Right?

I went to see the doctor.

I said, "There is something wrong with my ears",

and what happened was I had the whole hearing test

and the lady sat me down afterwards

and goes, "Right, I've got the results.

"You have completely normal hearing.

"What I think you have...

"is above average irritability."

LAUGHTER

There should basically be a decibel limit on any sort of new invention.

I mean, those Dyson Airblades, is that what they're...?

They are absolutely deafening!

The hand dryer?

I would happily stand in, not for, like, a whole day,

but I would happily just let people

silently dry their hands on my trousers, rather than...

LAUGHTER

..rather than inflict that on anyone. It's an appalling noise.

I think you're somewhat grumpy.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

How are you with car alarms?

Well, I've found a way now of disabling them,

so it's not really a... You know, I can...

steal most things. Um...

Do you know there's a sort of a...

a little cult now, where people dance to car alarms?

-Oh, really?

-Yeah. Get a load of this.

WHOOPING ALARM

PERCUSSIVE ALARM

LOOPING ALARM

RISING ALARM

HONKING ALARM

Oh, brilliant!

APPLAUSE

Sometimes loud noises can be very comedic, you know,

like when you surprise somebody.

For example, this is a bit from the Internet,

and this girl's dad is doing the washing-up for a change,

so she thought she'd surprise him with a bit of a loud noise.

GIRL SCREAMS

SHOCKED LAUGHTER

You have to, er... You have to be...

You have to be a BIT careful when you're going to do that.

We have to see that again, don't we?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

GIRL SCREAMS

LAUGHTER

Oh, that's so awful!

OK. Well, look,

although I'm very frightened of the people

who wear those three-quarter length shorts,

I don't feel I can put them in,

otherwise there'd be nine people at the next England away game.

True. All right.

And I agree that loud noises can be a real pain,

but some of them are also quite exciting,

and they can get people hit with trays, so that's...

I wouldn't like to have missed out on that.

But I have to say, Kelly, you're quite right,

things are getting worse and worse

on the tradesmen-coming-to-your-house front.

I don't speak to the builders much,

cos my Polish is a bit hit-and-miss.

LAUGHTER

But, um...

..I always think that they are...

they're going to be more male than me

and I'm going to, you know, feel a bit...

Like, when I come in and say, "Anyone want elderflower presse?"...

LAUGHTER

..there's a sort of hostility, so I-I get a bit...

I get anxious when I've got people working at mine.

So I am going to put tradesmen in the home into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

And that brings us to the end of the show.

Well done, Vernon, you were the most persuasive guest tonight,

so you are this week's winner.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thanks very much to Miles Jupp, Vernon Kay and Kelly Hoppen,

and thank you, goodnight!