Episode 4 Room 101 - Extra Storage

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,

the show where three guests battle to send the things

they hate into the dreaded vault.

Our guests' choices have been sorted into categories,

and in each round only one item can be chosen.

The final decision is mine. Let's meet this week's guests.

Joining me tonight are actor, comedian

and Pointless host Alexander Armstrong,

superstar athlete Dame Kelly Holmes,

and the golden voice of cricket, Henry Blofeld.

APPLAUSE

OK, well, let's have the first category, please.

It's modern life. So what doesn't Alexander like about modern life?

PHONE BEEPS

'Hello, Alexander, it's Frank here.

'I was just calling to see what you want to put into Room 101...

-DOG BARKING

-'Oh, hold on.

'Get...get under.'

-It's answer machine messages.

-OK.

You know what happens.

You ring someone up and, you know, ring-ring, ring-ring,

-six times, and you think, well...

-That's a very good impression,

-if you don't mind me saying.

-It's not bad.

-I went for my phone then.

-Yeah.

When you get that telltale...that little click, and then sometimes

you get a very careful voice that says, "Hello, Graham and Barbara

"can't get to the phone at the moment."

They've been told to say that.

They're not allowed to say, "We're not here at the moment,"

in case there's a burglar from 1976 at the other end.

"We can't get to the phone at the moment.

"Please leave your name and number

"and we'll get back to you as soon as we can. Beep."

All of which could summed up as "Beep." It's fine.

Just the beep is fine.

But actually, even leaving a message, I think,

-is a waste of time. These days we have missed calls.

-Yeah.

-It's fine.

I've had this thing with my girlfriend when she'll phone,

"What is it?" And I say, "Well, I left a message,"

and she'll say, "Yeah, I haven't listened to it."

And I say, "Well, phone me back when you've listened to it."

What about the occasion, you get a chap who rings up, and you

miss the call, and my immediate reaction is to ring them back.

And then, of course, they're engaged forever

-while they're leaving a message.

-Yes.

Oh, that drives me absolutely mad.

But it's the... I get messages from my mum, who I love dearly,

but she will leave messages between two and four minutes long.

I mean, it will be, you know, "Hello, darling.

"I'm going to tell you now in some detail what I will then tell

"you in minute detail when you ring me."

Are you aware of the Gotta Go machine?

No.

You know when you phone someone and you don't really want them

to call you back? You just want to leave a message.

So when you do your...

say you'll say, "Hello, this is Frank Skinner here.

"If you want to call me back, you can get me on..."

SOUND OF BABY CRYING

HE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY

And your conscience is clear.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, then, what doesn't Kelly like about modern life?

The M25.

WILD CHEERING

Oh, my God. Drives me insane. I mean, it's ridiculous.

They widen the roads. Same problem.

You have roadworks for two years. Traffic, traffic, traffic.

Take the roadworks out. Traffic. Don't make any difference.

-That's a good point.

-Pointless. Waste all that money.

Just sit there. The only time it's good is

when you're bombing it down the little bit that's OK,

like, three junctions, and everyone else is stuck in traffic.

You're like, "Ha-ha!"

Seriously, though, motorways were built to make travelling easier.

And I spend of my life trying to avoid the M25. I agree entirely.

-It is horrendous.

-Well, I can tell you now that the question

most frequently asked by motorists on the AA online route planner is

"How can I avoid the M25?"

I imagine you'd go round the M25, like, 70mph, and then really,

really do about 120mph just for the last three or four miles,

just towards the tape,

and then go round again with a Union Jack draped around the car.

If only, right?

I was once in a traffic jam in France

and a guy blasted his horn like that.

And I thought, "Why is he blasting his horn? We can't move."

And then I thought, "You know what, it's something lovely."

And we all blasted our horns.

It was like we were blasting it at the universe.

And, at that moment, we became as one.

The only time I've done it where it's really good is when I was in the military for nearly ten years.

First three years I was a heavy goods vehicle driver cos no-one messes with that.

No. Did you ever drive a tank, Kelly?

-Yes.

-That would be good, wouldn't it?

Yeah. Can you imagine, on the M25, just ramming over them all?

LAUGHTER

Get out my way!

Kelly, here's a clip I think you'll enjoy.

In this instance, we found out that the driver of the lorry has

no awareness at all of what he's actually involved in.

-Get a load of this.

-Gosh.

MUFFLED SHOUT

SHE GASPS Terrible.

Incredible that no-one was hurt.

-Yeah.

-What I like is that the driver of the car had the brake

lights on, thinking, "I'll stop this."

The trouble is, when you're side on, looking in, they were

looking in the rear view mirror,

and all they could see were people going...

LAUGHTER

Of course, you've actually got a road named after you.

-Yeah.

-That's the ultimate...

that's better than a postbox, isn't it, like they get nowadays.

I've also got an old people's home named after me.

Oh, congratulations.

Kelly Homes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is Dame Kelly Holmes Way. There it is, look.

Actually, yesterday I drove past this road, and there was a

couple that had literally just come out of the house, and their face was

a picture, looking at me, going like that, standing right by that sign.

-That was quite funny.

-That's perfect, isn't it?

It was sweet. It was lovely.

Didn't you shout, "Get out of Dame Kelly Holmes Way"?

LAUGHTER

I'll remember that.

OK, then, what doesn't Henry like about modern life?

What I loathe more about modern life than anything are people who

want to talk to me at breakfast.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I spend a huge amount of time staying in hotels or guest houses,

and I come down to breakfast and join a big, communal table,

which puts the fear of God into me,

and before I've sat down and spilt my first Corn Flake over

my shirt, three people have said to me, "What do you make of KP, then?"

Mmm.

I loathe it.

I say, first of all, when I sign in the night before,

"Is there any way I could have breakfast at a table on my own?"

And if they say no, I say,

"Is there anyway you could send me a cup of coffee up to my bedroom?"

And if they say no, I go without having breakfast.

Well, I must say,

I've spoken to a lot of strangers at breakfast over the years.

LAUGHTER

You have to be a little bit polite, you know.

Sometimes I'll grab the thing off the door

if I'm going down in a hotel and have breakfast like this.

Actually, I thought that would increase conversations.

It makes you look rather more attractive.

LAUGHTER

As a little tip, I once travelled on a very early morning train

from Birmingham to Crewe, during which time I drank a whole bottle

of Pernod, and I wasn't bothered by anyone for the whole journey.

LAUGHTER

No-one even sat in the three adjoining seats.

What time did the train start?

I think it was the 8.20.

Another thing I've done, which if you don't want people to

speak to you in hotels at breakfast, is to wear one of these.

LAUGHTER

Very good.

They might ask you for the odd blessing, though.

Well, I don't mind that, certainly.

The other alternative is sometimes I'll sit with a pile of

30 or 40 Big Issues. That also keeps people away.

But what people tend to do is tell people that they've got

Blowers staying.

"Ah," they think, "We'll have five bob's worth of him."

So they all hang around, and they've eaten their breakfast,

and they've all been chatting themselves up, and when you

get there, they're in mid-season form and they all talk at once.

LAUGHTER

Blowers, all you need is a pair of earphones,

just little ones like that,

don't even need a thing to plug them into.

Just put the end in your pocket like that and just go down

and nod your head while you're eating breakfast.

Or I suppose I should I can't hear anyway but I should

buy a pair of deaf-aids. That'd be a help, wouldn't it?

I mean, I'm not good at hearing.

Just go down with a couple of massive ear-trumpets like that.

One man who's managed to keep people at bay when he's having breakfast

is this man.

LAUGHTER

You could try that, the sort of Quasimodo approach.

LAUGHTER

Well, you've all put this incredibly well.

Answer phone messages, I sort of like the nostalgia of it.

I like the fact that they still exist.

Also I can see the lure of wanting to speak to you at breakfast, Henry.

I know it must be annoying, but you are such a raconteur,

and just the sound of your voice first thing in the morning

is like a beautiful birdsong.

Now you say that I might make you the great exception to the rule.

Oh, Henry. Maybe tomorrow.

LAUGHTER

Let's see how it goes.

If somebody said to me, "You'll be flirting tonight,"

I would have assumed it would be Kelly, but no.

LAUGHTER

But, Kelly, you argue with such passion about the M25,

and you're also slightly frightening when you get like that,

-so I am going to put the M25 into Room 101.

-Yay!

Next category, please.

It's the wildcard, so no restrictions.

Anything you don't like you can choose.

So what is Kelly's wildcard?

SNORING NOISE

People... SNORING CONTINUES

Oh, sorry. Oh, that's enough.

People snoring in public places. Trains, planes, lounges,

especially if they lean over on you on the train.

Oh my gosh. I went on a plane once with my mother.

It was in the late '90s.

I was going to Mauritius, and this guy, we hadn't taken off.

We must have been sat down for five minutes, and he'd literally

fallen asleep within that first two minutes, and he started snoring.

But he started snoring so loud. I mean, really loud.

It was like a thunderstorm happening, right?

He had his mouth open.

So I got this magazine, and I rolled up a piece of paper.

Mum was going, "No, no." And I rolled up this piece of paper,

and I went like this over the seat, and it went in his mouth.

He went... GARGLING

LAUGHTER

Oh, my gosh...

-Coincidentally, I was on the M25 once...

-And you fell asleep?!

..and this guy was not only snoring, but leaning right across me.

But that's what happens if you get a lift home from George Michael.

LAUGHTER

I looked at...they had a list of most annoying train habits,

-and this was only 19th...

-Really?

-..on the list.

-Oh, my gosh.

-It's above...

-It's not just trains.

-It's above derailment.

LAUGHTER

My dad used to come back from work, and he would sit...

he'd watch the telly like this.

And I thought, this is the funniest thing that'll ever happen.

And then I saw the same thing being done by a meerkat.

LAUGHTER

It's a horrible, intimate noise, though,

-somebody else snoring, isn't it?

-It is.

-It's just...

It's very intrusive, isn't it?

-It's all...it's really too...

-Phlegmy and...

-Yeah.

All right.

Kelly, you've firmly ended any outside chance we ever

had of having a close relationship, because I snore for the world.

Your poor wife.

She buys baseball bats.

I'm with her.

I was once filming in Dorset

and one of the guys I was with,

lovely bloke, very camp guy.

And he actually had a camp snore.

He was in the next bed to me

- and I've told him about this so I can share this,

we laughed about it the next day, he didn't believe me,

but honestly it's true. He had a camp snore.

I lay in the dark and I could hear...

HE SNORTS

"Mmmmmh..."

I swear.

HE SNORTS

"Mmmmmh..."

The internet features lots of people who have been

photographed on public transport sleeping.

So here's a man asleep on the Tube.

Oh, he's definitely snoring. Look at that.

Looks painful.

This is actually a photograph on a train.

You do get people on planes who,

if they're going to sleep, they don't just go to sleep.

They have to go and get their sleep suit on, and their sleep socks.

Here is a man who has taken that just a stage further.

LAUGHTER

Oh, my gosh. That would be my worst nightmare.

The joy of that is the facial expression

of the guy sitting next to him.

The thing is,

if you're taking photographs of people asleep on public transport,

when you get really lucky they've got a dog with them as well.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK. What's Henry's wildcard?

People, Frank, who endlessly say to you, whether you leave

a restaurant, a shop, a snack bar, whatever,

-"Have a good day. Have a nice day."

-Mmm.

LAUGHTER

Why can't they say something like, "We'll see you next time,"

or, "What-ho," or, "Don't panic," if you like?

When they say, "Have a good day," do you think they're going to rush back

into the room and say, "My goodness, I hope that Blowers has a good day.

"It would be awful if he had a stinker, wouldn't it?"

My pet thing is when people thank you in advance for things.

So sometimes you'll be driving down the road.

You go into a little, small village, and it says,

-"Thank you for driving carefully."

-Yes, indeed.

And I think, "Well, if they regard this as driving carefully,

"they are liberal indeed."

And also that one, "Thank you for..." you get this in nightclubs.

"Thank you for leaving quietly."

I've used that to end a few relationships.

LAUGHTER

You're probably the only person I know

who could get away with, "Toodle-oo."

-Toodle-oo. Yes, toodle-pip I do a bit.

-OK.

You know where that comes from, toodle-oo?

It's because French people say "A tout a l'heure," and apparently

it was an old soldier's version of "tout a l'heure."

They say, "Toodle-oo."

Yes, I thought it was French for, "Where's the toilet?"

Where does tinkety-tonk come from?

Oh, God.

-Tinkety...

-Tinkety-tonk.

I think I prefer "tinkety-tonk" to "have a nice day."

LAUGHTER

We'll see if we can introduce it from the strength of this programme.

OK, then, what is Alexander's wildcard?

Yes. This is the 27th, the 28th, the 29th and 30th of December.

I mean, what a waste of time.

Can anybody remember, I wonder, anything that they have done

meaningfully on any of those four days?

Actually, to be honest, I would take the whole week.

I'd take Boxing Day out as well, but I'm going to give you

Boxing Day, because let's face it, it keeps Christmas Day special.

You've got Boxing Day afterwards to be bored in.

Then you're just treading water.

You do endless things that you'll always regret

while you say the five words, "Oh, go on, it's Christmas."

Basically, that's...

Those five words have started so many terrible, terrible things.

"Go on, it's Christmas.

"We'll have five bottles of wine for lunch."

But it just twists on interminably.

And then suddenly you come to... I mean, New Year's Eve, it's fine.

New Year's Eve I would say probably kicks in at about 5 in the evening.

You could lose the first bit of New Year's Eve, actually.

As an edit point, some time after Downton Abbey on Christmas Day

to, um, about 5pm on New Year's Eve.

-Just...

-HE SLURPS

No-one would even notice.

How could you realistically do something about this?

LAUGHTER

I tell you what.

I'm glad you asked that, Henry,

because I think maybe we could speak to someone in charge and then we

could maybe shift New Year's Eve to the 27th and then have it all then.

Have all the celebrations, and then we've got, what, four days in hand

that we can maybe use as sort of wildcards throughout the year.

My problem with this is

I think people really look forward to those lazy days.

What you need is a harder job.

APPLAUSE

I bet you're sitting there thinking, "Oh, sitting here wasting our time.

"We could be recording another 20 episodes of Pointless."

Does Richard Osman come round and put your trimmings up, by the way?

He has been known to, yeah.

-Was this Donny Osmond, did you say?

-No, it was...

LAUGHTER

Yeah, they're very close friends, Alexander and Donny Osmond.

I tell you what I recommend, this covers that period perfectly.

This is 96-hour deodorant, which you can put on on Boxing Day,

you don't even have to think about it again till you're getting

ready for the party on New Year's Eve. So that's it.

I can't do that, Alexander, because I really like it.

How lovely to have no pressure at all, to do nothing.

It's great. And also, the snoring, I know what you mean,

but they can't help it, these poor people.

People are working so hard. They're fatigued.

But, "Have a nice day..."

I like politeness in all its forms, but I think it's become hollow.

I think it's become something that people really don't mean.

So I am going to put people who say, "Have a nice day," into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

I nearly went down there as well.

Next category, please.

It's time for the audience choice

and I believe Judith Cheyne is with us tonight.

-Where are you, Judith?

-I'm here.

Hello. Thank you so much for coming.

What would you like to put into Room 101?

I would like to put portaloos, portable toilets, into Room 101.

Portable toilets?

APPLAUSE

Yeah, you people applauding,

the next time you're absolutely desperate...

Why is that, Judith?

I just find it a very traumatic experience using a portable toilet.

Yes, I believe it's supposed to be.

LAUGHTER

You hover around quite a while,

trying to decide whether you can go in or not.

Eventually somebody comes out, you then go in,

you then fight with the lock yourself

to make sure it is engaged, hoping nobody will try and come in.

There's nowhere to put your handbag, hang your handbag, in a portaloo.

That is annoying.

The floor's quite often very slippy...

I wonder why!

Quite often, there's the previous occupants have left a few deposits,

so you have to pump away to get rid of the previous occupant's deposits.

Do you use them a lot?

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

You sound like you might be sleeping rough on a regular basis?

Are you a big festivalgoer?

No, I work for the International Sheep Dog Society

and I use them at sheepdog trials,

which are obviously held in fields where you don't have facilities,

so we have the use of portaloos.

I don't understand why, in this day and age of technology,

-they're still the same.

-I don't really want them to get technical.

I like that it's a lovely insight

into toilet-going in the Middle Ages.

How are you guys with portaloos?

I think they're what I would call an evil necessity.

I can quite see what the lady is saying about them, but I just

think if they weren't there, the alternative might be almost worse.

You know, otherwise you burst.

LAUGHTER

Thank you. Our medical correspondent.

I think by association you have to be so desperate to use one,

you have to overcome such desperation to use one

that I almost by association think of them as,

"Ah..."

-There's a weird association with relief.

-Yes.

I mean, obviously that's then very quickly twinned with,

"Argh, my trousers are filthy."

-Because of the floor.

-Yes, of course.

Have you ever tried to use them at night, though, when it's dark?

Because there's no lighting in them at all.

-Do you do...

-They're seriously dark.

Are the sheepdog wearing headlights at this stage?

No, it's when we're having a few beers after.

Oh, well, now it's all coming out.

I don't wish to be disrespectful,

-but I sort of think that the countryside

-is

-a toilet.

LAUGHTER

No, but I mean I just think you can go behind a tree in the countryside.

Isn't that...? I've done walks through the countryside

and one of the joys of being in the countryside is you think,

"Ooh, I'd quite like to have a wee, I've had one."

LAUGHTER

Anyway, I like your passion for this topic,

so I am going to put portable toilets into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

Right, let's have our next category.

It's food and drink.

So what doesn't Henry like about food and drink?

Restaurants that don't have powder-based English mustard.

APPLAUSE

I can think of a number of five-star restaurants who say,

"Yes, sir," and they go off and they bring a pot of ready-mixed

yellowness, which is rather nasty French mustard.

-I don't mean all French mustard is bad. It's not.

-No.

But I think French mustard really is best taken when you want to

disguise the original taste of the food you're eating.

Mmm.

Really good English mustard is made with powder.

You put a teaspoonful out of a tin into an eggcup and then you

trickle a little bit of water in and you stir it round, and then,

if you can, you leave it for 24 hours to mature, and it's brilliant.

You know you can get mustard for pets now? This is genuine.

We haven't made this up. This is mustard for dogs.

Seriously?

Honestly. It's real.

It's commercially available and you put this on your dog's food

-as a relish.

-Petchup!

How does your dog let you know that he wants mustard on his food?

Well, the advantage of dogs is they'll eat anything.

So it doesn't matter. This is the cat version.

I'm not making this up.

Meowstard.

Now, I am fascinated by this choice

because, as a child, we always had the powdered English mustard.

And I thought that's cos we were poor.

I thought it was because we couldn't afford the ready-mixed stuff.

But it turns out that we were actually eating the proper stuff.

Absolutely.

Now, I've got to the point with this - you'll think this is absurd -

that there are restaurants I go to I know,

and hotels, that don't have it,

so I keep a tin of powdered mustard in the glove pocket of my car.

You'll enjoy this, Henry. The first time I went in a posh restaurant,

I came down to London from Birmingham, I was doing well,

I was taken to a posh restaurant, quite, you know, excited,

I ordered steak tartare well done.

LAUGHTER

And I sympathise with the people in the audience who didn't get that joke.

It's a true story. People on adjoining tables were laughing.

LAUGHTER

OK. In case any of our younger viewers have never seen what Henry

speaks of, there it is. It's a powdered variety.

I tell you, I think I might be the only person who's ever done this,

but what I love to do - and I'm not doing this for a joke - this

is something I do in my personal life - is I like to dip a banana...

-Serious?

-I'm not certain where this is going.

-Yeah.

-I'm serious. I like to dip a banana, thus, in the...

-Ugh.

-It's beautiful.

That's gross.

I tell you a thing you remind me of.

Please don't tell me what I remind you of at this moment.

LAUGHTER

-I love sausages.

-So do I.

But one of the problems with sausages is their tubularity,

so that...they're tubes.

And so if you put something like ketchup or squeezy mustard on,

often it won't stay on a hot sausage. It'll slide off.

It's a sort of sausage rodeo made by the thing,

and I find that really annoying.

-Do you put the mustard on the whole sausage?

-Oh...

-Why not cut the sausage into a little...

-Yes.

-A little coin of sausage...

-And then dab.

Knife in the mustard, and smear it, up your nose.

Ooh, but I like it.

Or dunk it like your banana.

Yeah. It's been a real education here tonight.

And what about that when they say, "Oh, don't touch that plate,

"it's really, really hot." Well, don't bring it to me then!

Don't... Health and safety.

I would like to have

a small Calor gas stove that I kept under the table

and really got that plate really hot again.

And when they came to get the dirty plates went,

"Argh!"

I'd tell you it's hot. "Be careful with that."

I just love it.

OK, what does Kelly not like about food and drink?

OK. Yes.

Stickers on the bottom of new plates, glasses, bowls,

you name it. Oh my gosh.

How many times have I bought a new set, you know, really exciting,

or I've got some friends round, bought some new glasses, and you

spend, like, half an hour trying to scrape these things off the bottom?

I suppose the only way of guaranteeing taking them

off is to let them soak for about 24 hours, then when they come...

No, I've tried that.

Do that around about the time you're making the mustard...

LAUGHTER

There's a real...this is a real thing.

This is something you get. What about this for an idea?

Give your partner a nice cup of tea, and then it says, "Marry me?"

in the bottom.

Has anything ever been more set up for someone to go...

HE MIMICS SPITTING

Also, what about when you give it...

when the woman from next door comes round and you give her the cup,

and you think, oh, God, that's the 'marry me' cup.

What about this, Kelly?

-Go on.

-Would you serve stuff on...this is a plate that actually

-comes with an English breakfast printed on it.

-No.

-What do you think?

-No, I wouldn't.

I have to say, I've taken plates out of my dishwasher that have

got this much food still on them.

-No, honestly, it's so irritating...

-Yeah.

They just put these stickers on and you can't get them off.

You're, like, scraping them off.

You put them in the dishwasher. It goes all gluey.

The sticker thing, I have a tweet, and this is from Richard Osman,

who is, I know, a colleague and close associate of yours, Alexander.

And here is Richard Osman's tweet. And it says...

And he's referring to Tesco stocking the Pointless book.

-Yeah.

-And this is what it looks like.

LAUGHTER

Oh, he's worth more than that.

OK. So what doesn't Alexander like about food and drink?

-Yes. These are unnecessary cocktail ingredients.

-Mmm.

I...now...just be perfectly plain at this point,

I have nothing against cocktails per se.

I think cocktails are marvellous.

They're racy, they're fun, they're brightly coloured,

they're exotic, they're delicious.

They are, let's face it, the perfect way to introduce children to

alcohol, which is...

LAUGHTER

I think, actually, one thing is wrong with cocktails,

and that's when you're standing at a pub behind somebody

who asks for four Mojitos, and you know that you're going to be waiting

-there for half an hour while some...

-While they make it.

..sweaty man in an apron picks up some bar truncheon

and starts mashing bits of herb with it.

Have you ever...?

When I next hear someone ask for a Brandy Alexander I shall

watch with interest what they're going to get, won't you?

Truly, Henry, you are the voice of the people.

LAUGHTER

No, I think the cocktail I'm particularly talking about is

the one...they're cocktails you make at home. Bloody Mary.

The list of Bloody Mary ingredients just gets longer and longer for

every year it exists, because it's a drink made by hung-over people, and

hung-over people just can never make up their minds what it is they want.

They know that something is going to make them better.

What they don't realise is that thing is time.

A Bloody Mary, it's tomato juice and it's vodka,

and that's all it is, and the rest you can do yourself.

A little Lea & Perrins and maybe some Tabasco. But no, no, no.

Now somebody says, "Maybe you want a bit of lemon juice in that."

You think, oh, lemon juice. And maybe a bit of celery salt.

You have to have celery salt, and black pepper.

They say, "I tell you what you want in there,

"a little bit of beef consomme." You think, there you go.

"Oh, no, no, I tell you what's missing from that.

"Horseradish."

Now this is an ingredient added by someone who's still

drunk from the night before.

It doesn't dissolve. You can't mix horseradish in.

It just floats around like something horrific in a hot tub.

It's just...

I'm slightly outside looking in on this,

because I have to drink virgin cocktails.

So I drink Virgin Mary instead of a Bloody Mary.

-Well, you probably want all the stuff in that, don't you?

-Yes.

There's a popular cocktail called Sex on the Beach.

Do you know what the virgin version of that is called?

Without alcohol.

-I dread to think.

-Any offers?

I've no clue.

It's called Safe Sex on the Beach.

Honestly, it is.

And as I'm a Roman Catholic reformed alcoholic, I can't touch either.

LAUGHTER

That was a slow-burner, wasn't it?

I mean, when I did drink,

I really didn't want things sticking in the top.

-Anything that slowed me down...

-Yeah.

I regarded ice cubes as, like, speed bumps.

LAUGHTER

So I never, even when I did drink,

I never really saw the attraction of the cocktail.

Would you drink cocktails, Kelly?

-I didn't drink when I was an athlete, at all.

-No, of course.

I kind of like champagne these days, it's kind of nice,

if somebody else is buying it.

I don't think athletes generally drink much, do they?

Do they?

Oh, go on. Who?

They shouldn't mix it with all those drugs.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I think it's the ritual of it that people like, though, isn't it?

Isn't that the whole thing of watching it being done and stuff?

-Yes.

-It's like, you know when people have tequila

and they'll have - is it lemon juice first or is that first?

-Oh, yes, the lime.

-Salt?

-I think you have lemon juice...

Lime and salt. This is a tequila shot

where you have the salt, then the shot...

I think you lick salt off your hand, then you drink it

-and then you suck a lemon.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

I actually...

Basically everything my girlfriend cooks,

I eat exactly like that.

LAUGHTER

So, Kelly, I just don't know that I see this as a major

-problem in life, the stickers thing.

-Oh, my gosh.

All my cups and plates have still got stickers on, and they come off.

First two years are the worst.

The cocktails, I think the whole joy of a cocktail is all

the extraneous stuff, otherwise you might as well just drink turps.

But, Henry, I think, of all the choices we've ever had on this

show, the lack of powdered mustard in restaurants, I cannot let

that go by without it being recognised as particularly fine.

So I am going to put restaurants not having

powdered English mustard into Room 101.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And that brings us to the end of the show.

Well done, Henry, you were the most persuasive guest,

so you are this week's winner.

APPLAUSE

And thanks very much, Alexander Armstrong, Dame Kelly Holmes

and Henry Blofeld, and thank you. Tinkety-tonk.