Episode 3 Room 101 - Extra Storage


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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,

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the show where three guests battle to banish their bete noires

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to the notorious vault.

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They'll have to argue their case well because, in each round,

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only one item can be chosen. The final decision is mine.

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Let's meet this week's guests.

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Joining me tonight are Murder On The Dance Floor, Sophie Ellis-Bextor,

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Murder In The Cathedral, Rob Beckett,

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and murder, but only if he felt there was no alternative, Ross Kemp.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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OK, so, let's get ready to grumble,

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and we'll begin with Rob.

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LAUGHTER

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Um, I've gone for teeth.

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-Yeah. It's a little bit awkward...

-Yeah!

-..I'll be honest with you.

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Just cos I've had a lot of abuse about my teeth over the years,

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and I might have had a sort of easier life if I didn't have teeth.

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Um... But if everyone didn't have teeth,

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I think it'd just be easier all round, just cos...

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they're a pain, aren't they?

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You've got to clean them...twice a day, you've got to go to

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the dentist, which everyone hates, when they hurt,

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they really hurt,

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and also I sort of think you'd lose weight,

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because all you'd have is soup!

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And I've never seen an overweight person knocking back soup all day.

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-No.

-Easier with the shop, innit?

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"What we got?" "Soup again." "Got nothing to chew it with."

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And I just think it would just be easier if everyone had no teeth.

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I'm thinking of some of the implications as we speak.

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-I think, yeah, I mean...

-Yeah.

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..I feel that your teeth are almost your identity.

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Oh, yeah, I would be unemployed if I had no teeth.

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It's a terrible system, isn't it, as well?

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You have to... You're going through

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-the agonies as a tiny baby of teething.

-Yeah.

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-Teething.

-And you think...

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Aw, the baby must think,

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because it doesn't know the wider implications,

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"Thank God I've got that out the way."

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I've got...like, a little baby and the teeth,

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the poor thing - they're like tomb stones coming out of her head.

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-These massive things coming down and she's..."I'm sorry."

-Yeah.

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I wonder why they're so big?

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And, also, you could have fizzy drinks.

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You've not got to worry about sugar, sweets. Chocolate,

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you haven't got to worry. You can have Ribena every day!

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Are you aware of the national obesity crisis?

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Yes, Frank, but we're already on soup, aren't we?

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-Oh, so soup and sweets.

-Soup and sweets.

-Yeah!

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There's a Twitter feed called Without Teeth.

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-Oh!

-And it's pictures of celebrities without...

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what they would look like.

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There's one of Barack Obama,

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who, um...does look very different.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I think he looks great!

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I think I used to drink with him...

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LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

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..in the late '70s. I'm sure that I remember that bloke!

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So, we've got you with no teeth,

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-Rob, if you'd want to see what that would look like.

-Oh, wow.

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Here we go.

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LAUGHTER

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-Everyone looks more fun!

-I was gonna say, you do look really sweet.

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-Don't they?!

-Like you're from Muppets or something.

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You'd absolutely smash through a Mr Whippy, wouldn't you?

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Bosh!

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Here's Ross.

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LAUGHTER

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And here's Sophie.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-Wow.

-Wow.

-Wow, that's like an extra 40 years along with losing my teeth.

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-Wow.

-Yeah, and it's made your whole mouth look, well, bigger.

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LAUGHTER

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Sometimes, when I'm somewhere, and there's bottles of beer

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and no-one can find a bottle opener,

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-I can open the bottles with my teeth.

-Ooh!

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-How about that?

-That's impressive.

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-I'd need teeth.

-You wouldn't be able to do that just with gummy gum-gums,

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-would you?

-I would not. So, what would happen then?

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Get a bottle opener.

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-Well, you can't find it.

-Oh, yeah.

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Yeah. That's good, though, because, you see,

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if Ross said he could open bottles with his teeth, I'd think,

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"Well, of course you can."

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-But I can't, there's the whole point of that.

-You can't? Really?!

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No, he just bites the top off.

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These are my third set of front ones.

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-OK.

-Oh, really?

-Wow.

-Yeah. One, two, three.

-What happened to them?

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First one, kicked out playing rugby,

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and then a really bad night in Caracas, like you do.

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Is that a nightclub?

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No! It's the capital of Venezuela.

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Oh, I thought it was a nightclub in Croydon, Cer-ackers.

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-LAUGHTER

-It might be...

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Two for one on Sambuca on a Wednesday. Cer-ackers!

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I don't rememb... I don't remember much about it.

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-Did you have shoes and a shirt to get in?

-But I did wake up

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the next morning with, like, everyone looking at me, going...

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LAUGHTER

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I'm going, "What? What?"

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-I'd taken off all the fascias cos I'd hit the marble bar...

-Wow.

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..and I'm going, "I will never drink again."

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-Have you stuck with that?

-A little bit.

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OK.

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I went to my dentist and he said,

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"Look, I need to broach the subject with you.

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"I-I-I think you need to whiten your teeth."

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And I said, "No, I've always been against..."

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You know celebrities with the super white...

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They look like they could...

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If they smiled, they could read in bed.

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And I said, "I don't want to be..."

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And he said, "Well, no, I'm not talking about you...

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"not so much making them white as making them less green."

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This is what he honestly said to me, my dentist.

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And I said, "I don't want the super white," this is what he said to me,

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"I don't think that you'll live long enough to get them that white."

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No, don't take this badly, Rob.

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I've got a clip of a dog,

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and it... I think it does look a bit like you.

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-It better be a fit dog, Frank.

-In the nicest possible way.

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It's a beautiful dog. Here it is.

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Hey, Charlie. What you got?

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TOY SQUEAKS

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What's that?

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Is it a new toy?

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-Is that your new...?

-SHE LAUGHS

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Oh, good, he took it well!

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OK, what's upsetting Sophie?

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So many things.

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This is misplaced clapping.

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APPLAUSE

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FRANK LAUGHS

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-It's OK. That was placed in the right place.

-They're good.

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-Um...

-They're good, this crowd.

-It might need... Yeah.

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No? All right!

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You're all brilliant at this one!

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-So, I'm thinking any time clapping doesn't really need to happen.

-APPLAUSE

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Oh, all right!

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I'm so confused, I'm like, "They like it, they don't like it."

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Things like when the plane lands, and people clap when a plane lands.

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People clapping at the end of a film in the cinema

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when no-one from the film is in the room to hear it.

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People clapping when a waiter drops plates.

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So, yeah, extraneous clapping.

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The first plane I ever went on,

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they clapped when we landed and I thought it was just...

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It was with the Wright Brothers.

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APPLAUSE

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But it's the weirdest thing.

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Does that mean if you were on a plane and it was going down,

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-they'd start booing?

-Exactly!

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It's only doing what it's supposed to do. You don't need the clap.

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I think that's fair enough.

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I was at a gig once,

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Blackfoot Sue at Birmingham Town Hall,

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and they came on and I ran up to the stage like that,

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thinking that 200 people would follow me,

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and I started all this

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and I realised no-one had come with me at all,

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I was looking at the security guard thinking, "Please make me sit down,"

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which they didn't, and I had to dance for a bit,

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but the band was sort of going...

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The band weren't dancing that much,

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and in the end I had to dance sort of towards my chair

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and then dance with my knees bent,

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and then gradually land. Ah, man.

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Just unbearable.

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That's like in X Factor, innit,

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when someone, like, they go to give a standing ovation

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after a performance,

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and all the other judges haven't done it,

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-and they just slowly sneak back into their seat.

-Yeah. Oh, I know.

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I find over laughing in theatres...

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-Oh, yeah, that's very annoying.

-..worse than... So, like,

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you do a comedy gig, people laugh at the end of a joke, but when you go to, like, a straight play

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and one person does, like, one little thing of, like, a pun or something like, "Duh-DUH-duh!"

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Everyone goes, "A-HA-HA, oh, my God, that's so funny!"

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-Well, they do it in...

-Shut up, you're rubbish!

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In Shakespeare, people do it, they're like,

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-"Ah, I show I understand."

-That's right! It's like,

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"I'm cleverer than you are... because I got the joke first."

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In Warhorse, oh, my God, there's a about a 20-minute bit all in French.

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So you get, like, loads of geezers laughing.

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Like, "Oh-ho, I know French." Oh, shut up, mate.

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Showing off you know French,

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pretending to laugh at a rubbish joke about a wooden horse.

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I wouldn't mind a few of those people in tonight.

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I have this thing if, when I go to West Brom games,

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occasionally they get booed off at half-time.

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-I can't explain it.

-No.

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But whenever they get booed off at half-time,

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when they come out for the second-half,

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they always get cheers and applause.

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And I think, "What have they done to win the crowd back over?"

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-Yeah.

-Not play!

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Yeah.

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It's like absence makes the heart grow fonder.

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"Aw, actually, I actually missed them.

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"I know we booed them off, but I'm missing them now."

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If you had a row with your wife and then - like, a big blazing row

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and then storm out, if you come back after 15 minutes,

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she's never gonna go, "Oh, nice to see you back."

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Can I say, that's definitely true.

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I went to the circus with my partner and after a bit she said,

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"Can you clap more with your fingers?"

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"It's... You're clapping so loud, it's hurting my ears."

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At the circus?!

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And I actually was like this.

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Anyway, have you ever wondered

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what people from other planets might clap like?

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-Ooh, no, I have not.

-Well, it's...

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Oh, you know, I'll show you.

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THEY LAUGH

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LAUGHTER

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-That's very weird.

-Has anyone ever clapped like that before?

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Yeah, that kinda went round.

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And, also, the wind from his clapping

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seems to be blowing his mouth. Did you see that?

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What's happening with his...his clapping mouth?

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LAUGHTER

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I think Boris Johnson's played a trick on him

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and put his arms through his jumper and popped up like that.

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OK, so, what's upsetting Ross?

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Snobby shop assistants.

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-Mm.

-Yeah. Yeah!

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APPLAUSE

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Now, why's that?

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I tell you...one of the reasons is because,

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by the time I could go into certain shops...

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-ie afford to go into certain so-called posh shops...

-Mm.

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..I was either too ugly or they thought I was going to rob the shop!

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LAUGHTER

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So, when I was young and I really desperately could have fitted into

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those clothes, when I wasn't the size that I am now,

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I couldn't go in them anyway,

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and now I can afford to go in one - or I used to before I had kids...

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LAUGHTER

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..and I would be looked as like,

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"Shouldn't you have just gone into Millets?

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-"It's down there on the right."

-Mm.

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But definitely the look of,

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"You shouldn't be in here, you know that."

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-Yes.

-"You're too ugly." And...

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-Oh, Ross.

-That would upset me a little bit.

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-It would upset me a little bit.

-I wouldn't say you were TOO ugly.

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-I would say...

-Definitely too ugly for them, though!

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I can slightly buy into the fact

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that you might be there to rob the shop!

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-But also...

-Didn't you try to buy a single stocking?

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And, I think, you know,

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if you do go in to a shop, they should be nice to you -

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that's the whole point of them being there.

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They're there to kind of serve you and help you.

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-That aloofness...

-Yeah, it's horrible.

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..you're sort of looking at them and looking at the mannequins

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and think, "Who shall I ask?"

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I do, I think the mannequins are probably

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more human than the shop assistants.

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Sometimes maybe a little bit too human.

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LAUGHTER

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They opened a Hollister

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on Regent Street,

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which is a very smart, up-market shop.

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This is the staff. Look at these people.

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Absolutely beautiful, all of them.

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And, truly, I went into the Hollister in San Francisco,

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I was on a stop-over and I went into the Hollister, not to buy for me,

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but was told I was too old to be served.

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-Oh, my God!

-Wow! That's outrageous!

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I was being blanked, I've got them... I've got the top here,

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and I've got my dollars in my hand and I'm going,

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"Can I just pay for this?" And he went,

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-"No, man, you're too old."

-That's outrageous.

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-You get more respect from Mexican drug lords.

-Absolutely!

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LAUGHTER

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Me and El Chapo. He'd have no problem going in there

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-because he'd clear the shop first.

-Yeah, exactly.

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OK, so we come to the end of that round.

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I don't think we can do away with teeth, you know.

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I-I... I like... I actually like going to the dentist.

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-I've never had a problem with that.

-What?!

0:14:180:14:20

-It's horrible!

-Yeah, you get to wear, um, shades and...stuff.

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-I get shades so I don't get bits of me in my eyes.

-Yeah.

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I get four blokes and a JCB, so it's a bit...

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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..bit different for me.

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And misplaced clapping. I know what you mean, you know,

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but I'm not a big fan of clapping at the best of times.

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I prefer laughter.

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-OK.

-And if it comes to clapping, I'll take it anywhere I can get it.

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VERY LIGHT APPLAUSE But the people in those shops...

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LAUGHTER ..the people - thank you - the people in those shops, Ross,

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they are terrible people,

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-and us ugly people have to stick together.

-Fair enough.

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-Yeah, put them in.

-So, I am going to put snobby shop assistants

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-into Room 101.

-Wahey!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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OK, then, so.

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Oh, my God. THEY LAUGH

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Sorry about me bell.

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LAUGHTER

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Come on.

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So...and so to Sophie's choice.

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Oh, that's a good name for a film.

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-Enforced seating plans.

-Oh!

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So, I'm talking specifically about when I go to an event and...

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you know, a party, whatever it is,

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and they've separated me from whoever I've gone with at the table.

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If I've gone to something with my sister, my friend, my husband,

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I want to sit next to them when I'm eating.

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I don't want them to be on the other side of the table or miles away.

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I don't like it when they move us apart, and if I get to the table

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quick enough, I will move us back together.

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-Really?

-I have no shame in rearranging seating plans.

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-Wow!

-Are you one of those people that do that?

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Controversial, I hear. Yeah, sure, I want to sit next to my husband.

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What's wrong with that? That's why I married him, so I want to go and sit

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next to him, I want to chat about the evening with him next to me.

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-How long have you been married?

-11 years.

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FRANK WHISTLES

0:16:160:16:18

I find me and my partner jump at the chance to sit...

0:16:180:16:21

LAUGHTER

0:16:210:16:23

-I don't believe you.

-Honestly.

0:16:230:16:25

But it is. I think we regard it as a bit of a treat.

0:16:250:16:28

It's what Nelson Mandela, I think,

0:16:280:16:30

called the short walk to freedom!

0:16:300:16:32

He never sat with Winnie.

0:16:350:16:37

I, um...

0:16:370:16:38

I don't mean that in a bad...

0:16:400:16:41

I don't mean it in a negative way.

0:16:410:16:44

I think, I take the approach, the old coat theory, is that if I sit

0:16:440:16:50

separately from my partner,

0:16:500:16:51

I'll appreciate her more when I get outside.

0:16:510:16:53

Because if you both had, like, a different experience,

0:16:540:16:59

you get to slag off twice as many people.

0:16:590:17:01

I find it very annoying, enforced seating plans.

0:17:020:17:04

Oh, the worst one is when they go,

0:17:040:17:06

-"So, everyone moves along a seat every five minutes."

-Oh, yeah.

0:17:060:17:09

-Have you had that?

-Or every course you move on...

-Or every ten minutes.

0:17:090:17:12

I find boy, girl, boy, girl quite annoying as well. Like...

0:17:120:17:15

It doesn't matter. Just sit down.

0:17:150:17:17

I think it's quite excit... It's the closest, probably,

0:17:170:17:20

I'll ever get to swinging!

0:17:200:17:21

LAUGHTER

0:17:210:17:23

Do you have those warnings?

0:17:250:17:26

You know when you need to be rescued?

0:17:260:17:28

-Oh, yeah.

-I mean, that can be,

0:17:280:17:30

you know, you get someone who's really...

0:17:300:17:33

-I mean, I started carrying a flare gun.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:17:330:17:36

I tell you what I have done - you'll like this, Ross.

0:17:360:17:38

There's a laugh I sometimes use, which is...

0:17:380:17:41

Ha-ha-ha! Huh-huh-huh!

0:17:410:17:43

Ha! Ha-ha-ha!

0:17:430:17:45

Ha-ha-ha!

0:17:450:17:46

Huh-huh-huh!

0:17:460:17:48

Ha-ha-ha!

0:17:480:17:50

Which is the Morse code for SOS.

0:17:500:17:52

LAUGHTER

0:17:520:17:54

APPLAUSE

0:17:540:17:56

Once I was trapped in a... awful conversation, so boring,

0:18:000:18:03

I didn't know what to do and I was just, sort of like, he just wouldn't stop talking at me,

0:18:030:18:06

so, you know, like, they have all these big bouquets of flowers or a big centrepiece at a wedding,

0:18:060:18:10

and there was a candle, I pushed a candle, like, under, like, a menu and a bit of flour,

0:18:100:18:15

and I was like, "Oh, God, there's a fire!"

0:18:150:18:18

-Just to get out the conversation.

-Wow!

0:18:180:18:21

And it worked cos we had to sort the fire out that I'd started.

0:18:210:18:25

How are you with this kind of thing, Ross?

0:18:250:18:28

I meet a lot of strangers through the job.

0:18:280:18:29

-Some very weird ones occasionally.

-Yeah.

-I just met Rowdy.

0:18:290:18:32

You'd like Rowdy.

0:18:320:18:34

-Who's that?

-Rowdy's an Imperial Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan.

0:18:340:18:38

Oh, my word.

0:18:380:18:39

I think I know him.

0:18:390:18:41

LAUGHTER

0:18:410:18:42

-Is he a very, very tall bloke, pointy head?

-Yeah, exactly!

0:18:420:18:45

Rowdy was a very scary man.

0:18:460:18:48

-Yeah.

-I suppose if you're the Imperial Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan,

0:18:480:18:52

you're going to have an edge.

0:18:520:18:54

He was at a wedding?!

0:18:540:18:56

He had a very long place...

0:18:560:18:58

I hate it when someone else wears all white at a wedding.

0:18:580:19:02

ROB CACKLES

0:19:040:19:07

-He wears purple.

-So rude.

0:19:070:19:09

Really stealing your moment, the clown.

0:19:090:19:10

Can I tell you what, the one... his mate, I said,

0:19:100:19:13

"So, who's the one in green?"

0:19:130:19:15

He went, "He's the Green Dragon."

0:19:150:19:17

I said, "I used to drink in there when I was younger."

0:19:170:19:20

LAUGHTER Yes, anyway, I didn't think

0:19:200:19:22

we'd be talking about the Klan tonight, you never know.

0:19:220:19:25

Every night we talk about the Klan.

0:19:250:19:27

I wonder if the Klan have these problems.

0:19:270:19:29

They stand around saying, "You know when we had that dinner

0:19:290:19:31

"and they made me sit by the Imperial Wizard?

0:19:310:19:34

"I don't know him that well."

0:19:340:19:35

They do seating plans normally if there's, like, either a couple

0:19:370:19:40

that are a nightmare, or if there's people that are coming on their own,

0:19:400:19:43

so they're not sitting on their own,

0:19:430:19:45

but, then, normally there's a reason if they're sitting on their own!

0:19:450:19:48

Because they're hard work.

0:19:480:19:50

Are we still talking about the Klan?

0:19:500:19:52

I bet the Klan, they're looking at the tablecloth and thinking,

0:19:550:19:59

"This would make a lovely robe.

0:19:590:20:01

"Do you want this after... Are you keeping this?"

0:20:030:20:06

OK. That's enough Klan jokes...

0:20:060:20:09

LAUGHTER

0:20:090:20:10

..for one night. What's upsetting Rob Beckett?

0:20:100:20:13

-Insurance.

-Oh!

0:20:170:20:20

APPLAUSE

0:20:200:20:22

It's just so expensive, and whenever you benefit from it,

0:20:220:20:26

something bad's happened. It's all just very negative,

0:20:260:20:29

and I think a lot of the time as well, it's like,

0:20:290:20:31

you just sort of have it just so that if anything does go wrong,

0:20:310:20:34

you go, "I didn't have insurance",

0:20:340:20:35

go "Oh, my God, you should have got insurance!"

0:20:350:20:37

Where if no-one had insurance, then, like, I think people would drive more carefully,

0:20:370:20:42

-because then they'd have to pay.

-Oh, yeah. Yeah.

0:20:420:20:44

Or it might be like Mad Max, and, either way, he's a laugh.

0:20:440:20:48

LAUGHTER

0:20:480:20:50

I just find it... It's just annoying, like, going on holiday,

0:20:500:20:52

I mean, your travel insurance, I bet that's pricey, isn't it?

0:20:520:20:55

Just a bit.

0:20:550:20:56

-THEY LAUGH

-Are you going skiing?

0:20:560:20:59

I'm not going skiing, but I'm going with a drug cartel!

0:20:590:21:02

You can't go skiing with the Klan, you'd never find them.

0:21:020:21:06

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:21:060:21:08

-The Green Dragon's won again!

-Yeah!

0:21:120:21:14

"I don't remember there being a mountain range in that direction.

0:21:140:21:17

"Oh, it's the lads. Come here!"

0:21:170:21:19

-It's the lads!

-I call them "the lads,"

0:21:210:21:24

I'm assuming you didn't call... LAUGHTER

0:21:240:21:26

Do you remember the advert... You know Churchill, the insurance dog?

0:21:260:21:32

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:21:320:21:33

-MAN:

-Oh, yeah!

-Oh.

0:21:330:21:35

I think he's in! He's here!

0:21:370:21:39

Do you remember the advert when he went to Paris with Melanie Sykes?

0:21:400:21:45

That's... Are you sure you've not had an LSD trip?

0:21:450:21:48

I have video evidence.

0:21:500:21:51

Churchill, can I really count on you for 50% off home insurance

0:21:520:21:55

if I haven't claimed in five years?

0:21:550:21:57

Oh, yes.

0:21:570:21:58

And UK call centres?

0:21:580:22:00

Oh, yes.

0:22:000:22:01

Pull the other one. He told me he's off to Paris with Melanie Sykes!

0:22:010:22:04

Oh! Oh, oui, oui!

0:22:110:22:13

Ooh, Churchy! I didn't know you spoke the lingo.

0:22:130:22:15

Oh, oui!

0:22:150:22:17

That's all very well and light-hearted.

0:22:190:22:21

Is there not quite a strong suggestion

0:22:210:22:23

of an inter-species relationship?

0:22:230:22:25

Yeah...

0:22:250:22:27

And also, that he's cheating on her with the other dog.

0:22:270:22:30

Well, he's retained an interest in his own kind,

0:22:300:22:34

but he's very happy... I mean, she's being so flirtatious!

0:22:340:22:38

It's a woman and a bulldog!

0:22:380:22:40

I don't know if they've had to go to France because there's different laws there.

0:22:420:22:47

Also, did they do microchipping and pet passports back in the day

0:22:470:22:51

or has she smuggled him in?

0:22:510:22:53

Cos they only recently come in, passports for dogs, ain't they?

0:22:530:22:56

Hm-mm.

0:22:560:22:57

He's had to go six times in quarantine for that weekend away!

0:22:570:23:00

If you were, you know, in your deathbed, looking back,

0:23:010:23:04

and you're thinking, "I've had a good life,

0:23:040:23:07

"I've never really been ill. I've never been in a car crash,

0:23:070:23:09

"I've never been burgled,

0:23:090:23:11

-"I have squandered a fortune..."

-Yeah.

0:23:110:23:14

"..on insurance that I've never, ever..."

0:23:140:23:16

I think it would make people less worried about material things.

0:23:160:23:20

Because if you've got no house insurance,

0:23:200:23:22

don't have anything nice.

0:23:220:23:24

They ain't got nothing to nick, then, have they?

0:23:240:23:27

One of my favourite methods for stopping being burgled is these.

0:23:270:23:32

Do you ever see these on people's houses?

0:23:320:23:35

I love those.

0:23:350:23:37

I've got one on my house. This is my one.

0:23:370:23:41

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:23:420:23:45

-Can I borrow that?

-You can have this, Ross, if you like.

0:23:500:23:52

-Thank you, mate, I'll have it afterwards!

-That would be great!

0:23:520:23:55

What would you insure, Rob, do you think?

0:23:550:23:57

-What would I insure?

-If you had to insure...

0:23:570:23:59

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Your teeth!

-Oh, yeah.

-Your teeth?

0:23:590:24:01

-Maybe my teeth.

-It probably would be the teeth.

0:24:010:24:04

Yeah, but I talk about South-East London a lot, so...Lewisham.

0:24:040:24:07

LAUGHTER

0:24:070:24:09

-Never going to happen.

-It'd be quite a big...

0:24:090:24:11

You should do one of your documentaries there.

0:24:110:24:13

I'm surprised an insurance company will touch you,

0:24:130:24:15

you're hanging round with the Klan and...

0:24:150:24:17

The Klan are all right. Well...

0:24:170:24:19

LAUGHTER

0:24:190:24:21

In terms of...

0:24:210:24:22

They're not going to... They're not an IED.

0:24:220:24:24

Just that sound clip!

0:24:240:24:26

Ross Kemp says...

0:24:260:24:28

What I mean... What I mean is,

0:24:280:24:30

they're not as dangerous or as lethal as going to Juarez or going to Afghanistan,

0:24:300:24:34

Iraq, Syria, etc.

0:24:340:24:36

-No.

-Or Caracas on New Year's Eve.

0:24:360:24:38

Exactly.

0:24:380:24:39

They're quite easy.

0:24:390:24:41

I'm amazed you can get insurance of any kind.

0:24:410:24:43

It's part of the job. You have to fill out, you know,

0:24:430:24:46

accident report forms before you go out, and sometimes

0:24:460:24:49

you're just saying, this is, you know, what I'm actually writing down to get insured for.

0:24:490:24:53

-"Will be spending time with Taliban", you know?

-Yeah.

0:24:530:24:56

"Will be flying into Hot LZ in Chinook,"

0:24:560:24:59

but, you know, there's people who specialise in it,

0:24:590:25:02

and, obviously, for your family, but it's also a real...

0:25:020:25:04

for getting kidnapped and stuff like that,

0:25:040:25:06

you have to write in actually proof of life.

0:25:060:25:09

So, you know, you have to say...I'm not going to tell you what I write,

0:25:090:25:12

but you have to actually write down, should you be taken,

0:25:120:25:15

-what words will you say...

-Wow.

-..through the kidnap pass

0:25:150:25:18

to prove that it's you.

0:25:180:25:20

DOES EASTENDERS DUFF-DUFFS, LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:25:200:25:23

Wow.

0:25:240:25:25

SPEECH DROWNED BY APPLAUSE

0:25:260:25:28

Doof-doo-doof-doof!

0:25:280:25:30

So, when you do that, when you do that, you go,

0:25:300:25:33

"I don't mind... I don't mind insuring the car."

0:25:330:25:36

What about these celebrities who insure body parts?

0:25:360:25:41

-Do you know these people?

-Mm-hmm.

0:25:410:25:43

Oh, didn't...with Michael Flatley and his legs?

0:25:430:25:45

Michael Flatley, his legs were once insured for £40 million.

0:25:450:25:50

-Wow.

-Blimey.

-Now, I can see it with Michael Flatley to some extent,

0:25:500:25:54

because his legs is his job,

0:25:540:25:56

but this is the one that really, uh...Taylor Swift,

0:25:560:25:59

her legs are insured

0:25:590:26:01

for £26.5 million.

0:26:010:26:05

-Is this true?!

-Yes.

0:26:050:26:07

-Who's... Who's doing it?

-Well...

0:26:070:26:09

Who'd you ring?

0:26:090:26:11

I don't think her legs are any better than my legs.

0:26:110:26:14

Honestly, I think my legs are that good.

0:26:140:26:16

-Yep. Can we see them?

-Here's Taylor Swift.

0:26:160:26:18

Here's me.

0:26:180:26:19

LAUGHTER

0:26:190:26:22

I think, arguably, my legs are better than hers.

0:26:230:26:28

-They're not your legs.

-They are my legs!

0:26:280:26:30

-I swear to you. There's no...

-They're so shiny!

0:26:300:26:32

-I know, well, I've oiled them.

-You've oiled them?!

0:26:320:26:36

No, I've oiled them for a bit, but they're still my legs.

0:26:360:26:38

-Nothing has been done.

-To be fair, If you cover the top half up,

0:26:380:26:41

it's really...I don't know what I'm thinking any more, Frank.

0:26:410:26:45

Well, let's go to the... I'll go to the close-up. That'll help.

0:26:450:26:49

-Wow.

-Good pins.

0:26:490:26:51

Thank you very much.

0:26:510:26:53

There's a slight hint that, on the upper thigh,

0:26:530:26:55

of a bit of cellulite, if I'm going to be totally honest.

0:26:550:26:58

But I think that's like,

0:26:580:27:00

when you sometimes get bulging of masonry on a cathedral,

0:27:000:27:03

around a very, very heavy gargoyle.

0:27:030:27:07

LAUGHTER

0:27:070:27:09

On the left, those legs are 26.5 million quid's worth.

0:27:100:27:14

What are mine worth? Nothing.

0:27:140:27:15

Have you put your...the pants over the top of the lace thing?

0:27:150:27:19

That is...that is a border...for my pants.

0:27:190:27:23

Oh, wow. OK. It's a slightly different garment.

0:27:230:27:25

I'm glad... Not many people would look at that

0:27:250:27:28

and talk about the pants.

0:27:280:27:29

You're fashion crazy.

0:27:300:27:33

I was quite pleased with it.

0:27:330:27:35

This is a man who is at work,

0:27:350:27:38

and I think a tricky insurance claim to fill in.

0:27:380:27:43

SOPHIE GIGGLES

0:27:460:27:47

CHUCKLES IN AUDIENCE

0:27:500:27:51

LAUGHTER

0:28:030:28:05

I liked the "ow" at the end of it. Ow!

0:28:090:28:12

I imagine it'd be a great advert for InjuryLawyers4U.

0:28:130:28:17

LAUGHTER

0:28:170:28:19

Imagine the meeting in HR.

0:28:190:28:21

"So, what happened to the photocopier?" "Oh, God."

0:28:210:28:25

OK, so what's upsetting Ross?

0:28:250:28:27

Expensive water in hotel rooms. Well, anywhere, really,

0:28:310:28:34

but...so, I obviously travel around the world,

0:28:340:28:37

apart from when I'm not dum-dum-dumming.

0:28:370:28:39

Not happy with me!

0:28:420:28:44

But we'll find out later. I hope you're insured!

0:28:440:28:47

Oh, God.

0:28:480:28:49

Um...

0:28:500:28:52

I am a member of the Ku Klux Klan.

0:28:520:28:55

But when you go to hotels, and you can't drink the water in the taps.

0:28:570:29:01

-No.

-You can't even clean your teeth with them, and then there's

0:29:010:29:04

a bottle of French Alp water and you're, like,

0:29:040:29:08

in South America somewhere, so how much does that cost, just in kind of carbon footprinting,

0:29:080:29:12

and it's there and it's got a little sign around it,

0:29:120:29:15

"This is 15."

0:29:150:29:17

It's just a rip-off from hotels, and by the people that make the stuff,

0:29:170:29:21

and I think it's outrageous.

0:29:210:29:23

Water falls from the sky or evaporates from the sea

0:29:230:29:25

and turns into drinkable water and they shouldn't charge 15

0:29:250:29:29

for a bottle of water that big.

0:29:290:29:32

I think it's outrageous and it's not right.

0:29:320:29:35

I didn't think it was legal, actually.

0:29:350:29:36

I thought if the water in the taps wasn't drinking water,

0:29:360:29:39

then they had to provide other water.

0:29:390:29:42

You should come on holiday with me, Sophie.

0:29:420:29:45

I wouldn't if I were you, Sophie!

0:29:450:29:47

LAUGHTER

0:29:470:29:48

The Taliban are not big on music.

0:29:480:29:51

They're quite big on murder. Well, not on the dance floor.

0:29:520:29:55

Allegedly.

0:29:550:29:56

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:29:560:29:59

I, um... In 1991, I won the Perrier Award,

0:30:020:30:05

which was quite a big award in those days,

0:30:050:30:07

and I phoned up my brother, Keith, back in Birmingham,

0:30:070:30:10

I said, "I've won the Perrier Award."

0:30:100:30:12

He said, "What's that?"

0:30:120:30:14

and I said, "It's an award for comedy."

0:30:140:30:16

He said, "No - what's Perrier?"

0:30:160:30:18

I said, "It's-it's bottled water and they sponsor this prize, it's a really big prize,"

0:30:190:30:24

he said, "Hold on a minute. How much do people pay for bottled water?"

0:30:240:30:28

I said, "This is not what I'm calling about!

0:30:280:30:31

"I'm not calling you to tell you about bottled water!"

0:30:310:30:35

And he was so blown away by the idea of that, he had no interest in the prize at all,

0:30:350:30:40

so I've got a slightly strange view of the whole thing.

0:30:400:30:45

I also think...

0:30:450:30:47

I think you get to an age... I don't feel now I can carry

0:30:470:30:50

a plastic bottle of water in the street.

0:30:500:30:53

I feel I'm too old.

0:30:530:30:55

A bloke my age shouldn't be having a plastic bottle of water

0:30:550:30:57

-in the street.

-I think it's absolutely fine!

0:30:570:31:00

I think it's all right, too. Release yourself from that worry.

0:31:000:31:03

You've got to drink, mate!

0:31:030:31:05

You can't dehydrate because of social pressure.

0:31:050:31:08

I saw a geezer in central London walking a ferret.

0:31:080:31:10

No-one cares about you drinking water.

0:31:100:31:13

That's eccentric, but there's no age limit on walking a ferret.

0:31:130:31:15

I saw Frank Skinner the other day, you'll never guess what,

0:31:150:31:18

only drinking some water, weren't he?

0:31:180:31:21

He's gone whack job!

0:31:210:31:23

It depends on the size of the bottle.

0:31:230:31:25

If it's, like, one of those massive,

0:31:250:31:26

like, five-litre ones and you're like...

0:31:260:31:30

The water cooler.

0:31:300:31:31

-I suppose, at my age, I feel I should have a Thermos.

-Yeah!

0:31:310:31:37

I tell you what I do like -

0:31:370:31:38

you know when there's those water machines and you get the paper cone,

0:31:380:31:41

-the pointy...I love those!

-Yeah!

0:31:410:31:44

Like drinking out of a '60s brassiere.

0:31:440:31:47

LAUGHTER

0:31:470:31:49

-And, also, for a Klan meeting, you've got the hat.

-The pointy hat!

0:31:490:31:54

Do you ever complain at these hotels, Ross?

0:31:540:31:57

-Complain?

-About the water thing?

0:31:570:31:59

-Yeah, course I do.

-How does that go?

0:31:590:32:02

I generally end up with no teeth in a bar in Caracas.

0:32:020:32:05

LAUGHTER

0:32:050:32:07

Fair enough!

0:32:070:32:08

We come to the end of that round,

0:32:080:32:10

and I like the enforced seating plans.

0:32:100:32:12

I think there's too many people who would only ever talk to their partner,

0:32:120:32:16

and I think that's a good thing,

0:32:160:32:17

although it can be a bit uncomfortable at first.

0:32:170:32:19

Now, these two, I like the idea of there not being insurance.

0:32:190:32:24

I've not really worked out... how we all cope.

0:32:240:32:27

Yeah, I think me might probably need insurance of some kind.

0:32:270:32:32

I hate to say it.

0:32:320:32:33

But the whole concept of bottled water is one thing,

0:32:330:32:37

but people taking advantage of a place

0:32:370:32:39

where you can't drink the water,

0:32:390:32:41

I mean, it's an absolute scandal.

0:32:410:32:44

Thus, I shall put expensive water in hotels into Room 101.

0:32:440:32:49

Thank you.

0:32:490:32:50

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:32:500:32:51

OK, so we've just got time for a bonus choice,

0:32:590:33:02

so let's see what Rob has chosen.

0:33:020:33:05

Rollercoasters.

0:33:080:33:10

BOOING

0:33:100:33:11

-Ooh!

-Not got a lot on my side here, have I?

0:33:110:33:14

I just hate rollercoasters.

0:33:140:33:16

-I...

-We do.

-Thanks, mate.

0:33:160:33:18

This is... I don't want to turn it into a rally.

0:33:180:33:21

-Rollercoasters!

-They've been looking for a leader for years, these people!

0:33:220:33:28

I just... I just hate them because I've got enough adrenaline.

0:33:300:33:33

I'm always... I'm full of beans.

0:33:330:33:36

I don't need any more - it's too much for me to take.

0:33:360:33:38

I've never enjoyed them, I've always felt like I've sort of been bullied onto them,

0:33:380:33:42

and, like, my missus loves rollercoasters and things like that,

0:33:420:33:45

so when we started going out, I thought, "What I'll do is I'll go to Thorpe Park,"

0:33:450:33:48

went to Thorpe Park and I went on the Magic Carpet one,

0:33:480:33:51

and I cried.

0:33:510:33:53

I don't know what it is, I just break down and start crying!

0:33:530:33:56

I hate it, I hate it!

0:33:560:33:57

But then I tried again,

0:33:570:33:59

went to Disneyland Paris, on the Pirates Of The Caribbean ride,

0:33:590:34:02

there's not even a seatbelt!

0:34:020:34:04

There's no drop. I cried!

0:34:040:34:07

I cannot take it.

0:34:070:34:08

Is this what they mean by an emotional rollercoaster?

0:34:080:34:13

I don't know what it is, I just find it...

0:34:130:34:15

I don't like the queuing...

0:34:150:34:16

Two hours to make you feel like you're about to die!

0:34:160:34:20

It's too much for my head and body to take, going on a ridiculous fast rollercoaster.

0:34:200:34:24

If I get something out of a vending machine, and two bottles of drink come out, I'm happy for a week.

0:34:240:34:28

I am bouncing through life.

0:34:280:34:32

-I hate them, as well.

-Oh!

0:34:320:34:34

I'm over-cautious when I approach a speed bump.

0:34:340:34:38

Honestly, I went on the tea cups, the Mad Hatter's tea cups,

0:34:380:34:43

at Disneyland, and...with... My son was four then,

0:34:430:34:47

and if you turn the wheel it goes round and round,

0:34:470:34:50

and I remember hearing myself saying, "Yes, we've established it goes round and round!"

0:34:500:34:54

On the tea cups!

0:34:550:34:57

-I love rollercoasters and theme parks.

-You love them?

-I really, really love them.

0:34:580:35:02

-Oh, do you?

-Yeah.

0:35:020:35:03

Do you like them? Are you into rollercoasters and stuff? No?

0:35:030:35:06

-Ross only goes if they're on fire.

-Yeah!

0:35:060:35:08

I can't be the only person in the room that likes rollercoasters and theme parks and things!

0:35:100:35:15

CHEERING

0:35:150:35:16

They're really fun.

0:35:160:35:18

Like Derren Brown's new ride at Thorpe Park's really good, like...

0:35:180:35:21

-Derren Brown's got one?!

-Yeah.

0:35:210:35:23

You just walk into a room and he convinces you you've been on one!

0:35:230:35:26

Such a great ride! Cheers, Del!

0:35:290:35:32

At Southend, they had a naked rollercoaster.

0:35:330:35:37

I don't want to get in after them!

0:35:370:35:40

Yeah, exactly, especially if it's really frightening!

0:35:400:35:43

Exactly!

0:35:430:35:45

This is the drop that...

0:35:450:35:47

-Oh.

-That's a lot of flesh. Look at that cheeky crocodile at the front!

0:35:470:35:51

Yeah.

0:35:510:35:52

It's when it drops like that, I'd be worried about my genitals getting too close to my face.

0:35:520:35:58

Maybe it's an age thing.

0:36:010:36:04

Very old or very lucky.

0:36:060:36:07

Yeah, exactly!

0:36:070:36:09

You got it right first time.

0:36:100:36:12

I was never much of a prankster as a youth.

0:36:120:36:15

There was one thing I did. I must have done this 20 times,

0:36:150:36:19

me and the same mate, we used to go, whenever the fair came,

0:36:190:36:22

we used to go on the Big Wheel or something like that,

0:36:220:36:24

and I used to take this on...

0:36:240:36:27

Oh, no!

0:36:270:36:29

..and honestly, we'd be sitting...

0:36:290:36:32

Honestly, I'm not making this up,

0:36:320:36:34

we'd get to the top and I'd go...

0:36:340:36:36

BANG

0:36:360:36:37

It was tremendously success...

0:36:470:36:48

On one occasion, I thought a bloke was going to kill me

0:36:480:36:53

for frightening his missus,

0:36:530:36:56

but other than that, it was tremendously successful.

0:36:560:36:59

Try it!

0:36:590:37:00

How do you feel about merry-go-rounds?

0:37:000:37:03

Merry-go-rounds? I mean, I...I don't... I'd just go on the M25 if I wanted to do that.

0:37:030:37:08

There is a thing you can do with a merry-go-round.

0:37:080:37:11

If you get a motorised vehicle and if you can get the tyre flush with the merry-go-round -

0:37:110:37:17

have you ever seen this done? - you can really get some speed.

0:37:170:37:21

Here's an example.

0:37:210:37:22

OK, here comes the accelerator.

0:37:240:37:26

Apparently, he was fine.

0:37:410:37:44

What a shame.

0:37:440:37:45

Rob, doesn't matter what I think, it's your bonus choice, it's going in to Room 101.

0:37:470:37:51

And that brings us to the end of the show.

0:37:580:38:00

Well done, Ross. You were the most persuasive guest this week

0:38:000:38:03

and, let's face it, the most frightening.

0:38:030:38:05

So, you're this week's winner.

0:38:050:38:07

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:38:070:38:09

Thanks very much to Rob Beckett,

0:38:130:38:15

Ross Kemp and Sophie Ellis-Bextor, and thank you, good night.

0:38:150:38:19

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:38:190:38:22

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