Episode 5 Room 101 - Extra Storage

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,

the show where three guests compete to have their biggest bugbears

banished forever to the dreaded vault.

They'll have to argue their case well,

because in each round only one item can be chosen.

The final decision is mine.

Let's meet this week's guests.

Joining me tonight are lovely smile, Lucy Porter,

full of bile, Romesh Ranganathan, and a bit of a trial, Judge Rinder.

Anyway. Let's get ready to grumble.

What is upsetting Romesh?

New Year's Eve.

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

I think it's such an unacceptable day of the year.

-You know, the fact that you're sort of put under pressure...

-Mmm.

..to celebrate it. You know, everyone's sort of geeing up,

"What you doing for New Year's Eve? What you doing for New Year's Eve?"

And the thing is, it's the wrong time of the year.

I know it's supposed to be the end of the year, and that's OK,

but it's just after Christmas.

And then people are saying, "When do you want to...?

"What are we doing? Where are we meeting up?"

"Well, I've literally spent Christmas period seeing you.

"Why would I want to see you again so soon?"

It's such... It needs to be in the middle, like June or July,

so you get a six-month break.

Not, we're all hanging out, and a few days later, "Here we are again!"

"Yeah! It's a shame, isn't it?"

And then it's just, sort of, the whole thing about the idea

of New Year's Eve, people getting ready with resolutions and stuff.

I find resolutions... They should be banned.

Because if one person decides

they're changing their life in a positive way,

that's obviously horrible to hear about.

Because they're doing it at New Year's, EVERYBODY is like that,

everyone is like, "I'm improving myself like this, I'm doing this."

I don't care!

Look at the top resolutions for New Year's.

It's stuff like I'm going to lose weight,

I want to travel more, I want to read more books.

These are all things that people want to talk about.

And I don't want to hear about it.

If their New Year's resolution was something like remain silent...

..or, "I'm not going to see you."

That's great, do you know what I mean?

But New Year's things where they say...that conflict with my own...

Like, my mum's New Year's resolution was to see me more.

No, thank you.

It's in complete and direct opposition to what I want to do!

Here's two men who have, I think, changed New Year's Eve for ever.

Their names are Richard Sclafani and Peter Cicero,

and they invented those glasses with the year on.

They started them in 1991, and the last ones they made was 2009.

Can I say, every time I look at this picture,

it winds me up that they're not in chronological order.

That looks like Biggins, on the right-hand side.

Well, everyone in ridiculous glasses looks like Biggins.

They're very unflattering, 1991, as well.

-They sort of make you look like you haven't slept for a week.

-Yeah.

This is what I wear on New Year's Eve.

MUTED LAUGHTER

-Sorry!

-HE LAUGHS

I don't know why that's funny.

-I'm glad you thought it was funny, it got nothing from the crowd.

-No!

THEY CHEER

My two favourite types of New Year's Eve are either end of the spectrum,

either very, very drunk and debauched,

or at home and in bed by ten o'clock.

Those are the only two.

I think Jools Holland has revolutionised New Year,

-cos there's actually some decent telly to watch.

-He's certainly got me out of the house!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The other issue I've got, it's my mother-in-law's birthday...

-Oh, dear.

-..on New Year's Eve.

So, that's sort of a double whammy.

Misery, isn't it?

Old red-wine-teeth is definitely going to be over.

I mean, you seem like a young person,

why would you have your mother-in-law over

for New Year's Eve?

-Cos it's her birthday.

-Oh.

Surely, I mean, I've not met her, but she must have the odd friend,

-I would have thought?

-She has got many odd friends! But, erm...

But unfortunately we have to do this family thing.

That's the problem, isn't it?

It's because it's on New Year's Eve it's got to be...

Can't you just tell them not to come?

Uh, my marriage is...

Pick up the phone - "I'm awfully sorry, you can't come to our house,

"sadly... I don't know, one of the pets died, or something."

I don't understand. Why do you have to have your mum and your aunts...?

It is a good plan, but we don't have any pets,

so I'd have to buy an animal just to kill it,

to make that excuse work, which I'm not willing to do.

-To be fair, you could buy a dead animal.

-Yeah, that's true.

-The butchers.

-Get a pet turkey in November and...

"Wow, so the chicken died, and then you de-feathered it,

"and prepared it for cooking?" Oh, interesting.

Why can't they come round on New Year's Day?

I mean, why must you have your family there that evening?

-Because...

-He's grilling you in the dock!

He's grilling me as if I'm the only one that's ever done this.

-Do you know what I mean?

-Well, I must say, I've never had your auntie over...

but never say never.

This was how the BBC announced the new year in 2014.

They were trying to say, "Year of the horse."

But, er...

I cheered when it came on.

OK, what's upsetting Lucy?

-Lavish... I will expand.

-OK.

-So, lavish proposals.

I just... I understand that people have to get married.

It's a duty that we all fulfil at some point.

Well, they don't have to. Can we make that clear?

-Do we not?

-I don't want anyone watching this, thinking,

"Oh, my God, I've got to get married."

I actually had to, because otherwise they wouldn't have stamped the immigration papers.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Fair enough.

-The fact that that's still getting applause is a good sign.

-Yeah!

Give it 12 months, you'll be booed off for that.

ROMESH LAUGHS

That's true.

I just think there's been a worrying trend recently... And again,

it's a social media thing.

My feeling on social media is that Twitter makes you despair of people

you don't know, and Facebook makes you despise people you do know.

And on Facebook you get all these pictures of people kind of going...

And with the caption, "I said yes!"

And I'm like, "What was the question?

-"Shall we nauseate all our friends on social media?"

-Mmm.

It's like, get engaged, do it quietly,

don't try and do these kind of...

People do these videos where they try and go viral by doing some big,

-lavish proposal with all their friends and family.

-Mmm.

And I just find it...

I don't know. I mean, I...

When my husband proposed to me... I'm 4ft 11,

my husband is 6ft 5, so...

He fell to one knee, and I thought, "Oh, that's what he looks like!"

It was too late to back out.

I was going to say, he probably needed to tweet you in order to communicate.

It was a straightforward proposal?

I mean, he did make me a Quorn Kiev before he proposed.

And everyone says, "Oh, that's nice, did he put the ring in the Kiev?"

No. No, he's made me a Quorn Kiev, and then he said,

"Look, shall we get married?"

-And I think that's normal.

-LAUGHTER

That to me is a normal proposal, not all this...

It's not THAT normal.

-I mean...

-It's not normal...

Down on one knee, I know that is a tradition...

Quorn Kiev is a new one.

I don't know if you believe in omens,

but have a look at this proposal.

That doesn't bode well.

What about...? Here's a lovely engagement photograph.

It's weird, isn't it?

It's like, she's sort of... I wonder if she's got into that position first,

and the photographer's saying, "This is not quite working for me."

"Maybe you could look down at her as if she is the worst

"thing that you've ever seen...

"..and I think that'll sell it."

Judging by the look of her shins,

I'd say he's dragged her for nearly half a mile.

Here's a lovely story.

Kaitlin Whipple,

this is in 2009,

her boyfriend hid the engagement ring, at the proposal,

in a milkshake in a diner, thinking,

"She'll drink it, it'll be at the bottom of the glass, what larks."

She was rushed to hospital...

..and this was the X-ray.

And there's a lovely quote from Kaitlin...

I really hope she was in a public toilet, and when it came out,

-she flicked the lock to engaged.

-Aww!

That would be so romantic, wouldn't it?

APPLAUSE

I lost my wedding ring on a show that we did.

-You know when we did Taskmaster?

-Oh, yeah.

You know you have to put up your stuff?

So, I put up my wedding ring...

-and then lost.

-Oh, yeah. Who won it?

-And Josh won it.

Josh Widdicombe, so I just thought, "Oh, he'll give me the ring back."

So, I went to him, and went "Mate, can I get the wedding ring back?" And he just went,

-AS JOSH:

-"Er, I'm perfectly entitled to keep it."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Did he say, "I'm having your wedding ring, but you can have my voice"?

Let's see what's upsetting Robert.

These are couples who communicate with each other over social media.

I mean, what is wrong with them?

For a start, I...

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

For a start, I couldn't care less about your private relationship

whatsoever, at all.

Secondly, people make the most disgusting announcements

and put them on Facebook, and think that that's perfectly reasonable.

"I'd like to celebrate my husband, Nigel,

"he's having an operation this week,

"and we do hope that...

"the repair to his prolapse is successful."

I don't care! I couldn't care less. And...

why don't you speak to your husband or partner at home?

-You know, in the secrecy...

-Now you've gone too far(!)

-Yeah.

No-one does that. Not after a couple of years.

It's the death of, you know, relationships,

and normal communication.

Not to mention incredibly boring.

I'm missing out on all this.

I'm presuming you mean this.

This would be a typical example...

LUCY LAUGHS

..and that's from Lucy Porter.

Did you really do that?

Do you know...

That's so terribly embarrassing!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I love this, we get them in my cases sometimes.

Did you mean to shout in that sort of...

"I really do have a TREMENDOUS husband!"

You know when you go out of the room

and you leave your phone unlocked for a bit?

No... Don't assume I know anything after 1897.

-I genuinely... It's unlikely.

-Are you saying you didn't do that?

I am saying that that has the fat fingers of my husband all over it.

-Really?!

-He's done a more...

not-suitable-for-this-time-of-night one

about, "My husband really does have an enormous..."

Fill it in yourself. And I was like, "How could you think that...?"

But then the weird thing is, people then respond to it.

That one, they were going, "Oh, that's lovely.

"That's so nice to hear, babes. Isn't that great?"

And then the one where he said he had an enormous...cock...

-And people...

-I'm glad you cleared that up, I was worried.

I thought it was going to be goitre.

"I've been trying to keep this quiet, but it's just...

"It's killing us all."

There's a picture of him.

This is the sort of thing I want to see about being a couple...

Romesh Ranganathan.

Do you know, it's just, she does my head in when we're driving.

She'll do this, right? I'll be driving.

She'll be sitting in the passenger seat, and she'll go, "AH! Oh, my God! Oh, God!"

And I'll go, "Oh, my... What? What's up?"

She'll go, "I think I know that girl."

Why would you tell everybody else? I mean, the world?

Why do they need to know about it?

Because, um...

I lack the spine to confront my wife directly. So...

-..I just thought I'd share it.

-I've had car journeys with my partner,

I haven't even communicated that intimately.

We once did a three and a half hour drive,

and just before we got in the car we had a massive row.

We drove in complete silence for three and a half hours.

And I knew there was live football on the radio...

I wasn't prepared to push it that far.

I remember there was a point, I let a bloke in,

and he flashed his headlights at me...

It felt like an embrace.

So, at least they're communicating in some way, Robert.

No, no. I mean, they can communicate themselves.

I mean, do you care that his wife hasn't told him he loves her,

or anything like that? I mean, it's...

It's like being invited to dinner parties, it's just awful.

What's wrong with people?

-That's a great analogy, I'll give you that.

-Yeah.

I do think it is fun when people are having problems, though.

Yeah. We want to know. I will only share -

apart from when my husband hacks my account -

I will only share negative stuff

about how he never remembers I like coconut,

he doesn't know I'm left-handed.

You know? Cos I don't want to be one of those couples where,

if we split up, everyone says, "Oh, but they were so perfect together."

-No.

-I want to be one of those couples where people say,

-"Oh, they've split up," and they go, "Thank God, I thought you were going to say she'd killed him."

-Yeah.

I put up similar things just to make people feel better.

I'll say things like, "When we're making love,

"she looks dead behind the eyes." Do you know what I mean? Stuff like that.

Just to cheer friends up.

LAUGHTER

So...

I think we come to, yes, to the end of this round.

-Have I won?

-Um... Not yet.

Lavish proposals...

I do sort of like the ridiculousness of them,

and the fact that one can pour scorn on them.

You feel you can pour scorn because someone's having a special moment

in their life, and so they have love on one side of the seesaw,

you can put derision on the other.

So, I would go for that.

Couples, you know, Robert, I know what you mean, it's a bit embarrassing,

but it is sort of nice that people are still declaring love,

and aren't so cynical and embarrassed about it.

They still want to let the world know.

So, you know what, I'm going to put New Year's Eve into Room 101.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And so... What's winding up Lucy Porter?

In most industries, I'm against child labour

because of the indignity that the children suffer.

In terms of show business,

I'm against it because of the indignity that we suffer.

-There's just something about it that makes my flesh creep...

-Mmm.

..about children. Cos children are meant to be bad actors,

and you don't want to see that on screen.

Like, I've never seen a good...

I don't want to single any out, but all of them are terrible.

Right.

-And...

-Is this because you're 4ft 11,

you're sitting at home thinking, "I could play that part"?

I think so. You know, cos in the olden days, like,

do you remember the film Grease?

Right? Cos in Grease, all the teenagers were at least 40.

They all had crows feet, beer bellies.

I think in the '50s, though, I think teenagers were about 40.

It's a new phenomenon, youth.

It is, and I don't need to see it on television.

We've done the experiment now,

we know that all child actors end up with horrible lives.

Miley Cyrus was a child actor, she was Mickey Mouse Club.

Who would have thought that she'd end up on a wrecking ball?

Can I say, every time I see this,

I know as a heterosexual male I'm supposed to think,

"Wow, look at that."

I grew up with my mother telling me that if you sit on a cold surface,

you'll get haemorrhoids.

That's all I'm thinking when I look at that picture.

I'm thinking, "She is a fool!"

Well, what about the kid from Jerry Maguire?

-Do you remember him?

-Nauseating!

-He was called Jonathan Lipnicki.

This was what he looked like in Jerry Maguire.

-Oh, yeah!

-This is what he looks like now.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

Exactly!

Look at... You could use his stomach as a toast rack!

I really hope he's going to go back

and punch Tom Cruise in the face for shagging his mum.

Would you like to say that again in a slightly more 8.30 on BBC One...

Can you not say "shagging" at 8.30 these days?

Well, I've tried it, but my partner just laughs at me.

APPLAUSE

It's difficult for parents as well, cos my son, he likes acting,

and we have to go and watch performances or whatever,

which is fine, because you're genetically sort of hard-wired

to think that what your son's doing is interesting. But...

..he's only in it for two minutes, and then I'm just sitting there,

watching other people's children be crap.

Kids do a bit of acting at home, though, let's face it.

This is a child who doesn't want to tidy up.

-MAN OFF-SCREEN:

-What's the problem?

SHE CRIES

You can't lift that up?

-CHILD:

-No!

Come back and try again.

You're almost to the sink.

I can't do it.

SHE GROANS DRAMATICALLY

I can't do it.

That looks like it's very heavy.

I think you can do it, though, Cerys.

And I think you can lift it up to the sink,

and you can help clear the table.

SHE GROANS

I'm not big enough.

Gosh!

She's better than most people in Hollyoaks, isn't she?

That is either a great child actor,

or some parents are terrorising a kid with some sort of muscle-wasting disease.

Or just a really heavy bowl.

OK, and so to Romesh.

Will.i.am, first of all, I think it's obvious he's nicked my look.

I used to like him when he was in, like, the Black Eyed Peas.

But I think my biggest issue is him being a judge on The Voice.

It's very easy to be a judge on those talent shows,

because what you're supposed to do, you go, "I thought that was...

"fantastic." And then the audience go nuts.

Or you go, "I thought that was...

"disappointing." And then they go... But what he does is,

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-"I thought that was like a unicorn dressed in a tiara

"just sort of sashaying across my living room floor."

-He...

-Can I say, by the way, before you go any further,

that we on the BBC believe The Voice is a spent force.

The sooner it's put out of its misery, the better.

I also...

I also find the way that he dresses unacceptable.

Because it's not a stage outfit.

That is how he dresses.

So it's not like a costume, that's how he goes to the shops.

And I think what you are doing is,

you're encouraging normal people to dress like that,

and people are going to get beaten up, you know.

Because they think it's OK to wear jodhpurs and, like,

a bowtie above your right eyebrow.

And you do that, you get beaten up.

And then will.i.am's like, "Well, nobody bothers me about it."

What are you talking about?

-Who...?

-Do you know will.i.am?

Um...

He's a rapper, who was in a group called The Black Eyed Peas.

-He's an entrepreneur.

-Right.

And he's a judge on The Voice.

You're not on your own, Robert.

This is a clip from American news.

I'm just kind of giving you a little bit of what you see here.

That's Wyclef Jean giving an interview.

He is one of the many surrogates...

Sorry?

Who is...?

Waal-A, excuse me,

Waal-A. I got my artists mixed up.

Is it the right thing to correct him while he's still on?

-Do you know what I mean?

-I think so.

-Is it?

I think the longer that mistake is allowed to live,

-the more damage it does.

-Cos I wonder...

I wonder, if you just sort of go, "That's Wyclef Jean,"

and then pan back...

just, people will go, "Maybe that was Wyclef Jean,"

do you know what I mean?

My favourite fact about him,

is he's got a cousin that lives in West Yorkshire.

I love that.

He's called will.i.heck.as.like.

Do you know, you almost licked your lips before you delivered that.

I couldn't wait! I couldn't wait to get to the punch line.

It's as simple as that.

But he is, I mean, he's regarded as an extremely talented

and successful artist.

-By will.i.am?

-Particularly.

Here's a picture of him at the O2.

Get this for a...

Can I say, one of my horrors as a child

was that an armchair might stand up.

And that looks as if what has happened there.

You could have been sitting in that when it straightened.

He did a really patronising anti-Trump song, as well.

He was dressed up as Trump, and he was sort of

trying to have a go at the fact that Trump's quite sexist, etc.

The lyrics were so ridiculous.

It was like he got a four-year-old to put together a feminist agenda.

It was insane.

We have a clip of the Trump thing you're talking about.

-OK.

-Here he is.

# When I'm president I won't be like Obama

# If anyone talks... about me I'll bomb em

# I'm grabbin' that... like there's no tomorrow

# And if we have problems with Russia I'll bomb em

# Whatcha going to do about Al-Qaeda and Isis?

# Whatcha going to do about the Syrian crisis?

# Whatcha going to do when you step in the door?

# Will the rich stay richer and the poor stay poor?

-# No...

-# Ah, shut up, girl

# It ain't about you, girl It's all about me, girl

# Don't you see my name on the, on the building, girl?

# And when I'm president, I'ma, I'ma own the world

# I'm a star. #

Wow! I'd have voted for Trump(!)

I mean, I reckon that's why he won.

Before we finish this...

That's the worst thing that I've... I mean, I've seen...

That...

Put it in Room 101.

I might do, in a minute.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Before we move on,

can I just show you my favourite ever will.i.am lookalike?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Oh, it's the little things in life.

And so,

to Robert Rinder.

School reunions,

what's the point?

I mean, first of all,

if it's been that long and you've not seen them,

then there's almost certainly a jolly good reason in the first place.

That's the first reason. Secondly,

you go back, as far as I can gather,

somebody I know borrowed a more pleasant wife and a car to show up

and lord it over the other people who were still there.

You know, "Isn't my life much better than yours?"

That's really why you go, to see where you're doing

vis-a-vis some other poor person, who you almost certainly realise

wasn't going to do well in any event.

Plus it's school.

Which was, you know, unpleasant for most people anyway.

What sort of conversations...?

What...? You know, "Oh, you were always so quiet."

Yes, that's cos I hated you.

Anyway, that's why I want to get rid of it.

APPLAUSE

Also, why would you...?

It's like a cricket clap.

That was a single to third man.

Disaster. I mean...

I take it you haven't been to one?

Well, they haven't... They haven't invited me.

I didn't really suit the condition of childhood terribly well,

is the problem. I mean...

I once had a teacher sit me down who said, "I just want you to know,

"I really, really hate you."

Isn't that sweet?

How old were you at that stage?

12, probably.

No, but I was incredibly annoying, is the problem.

I find that hard to believe.

Yeah. No, but I mean...

What was the point...? I mean...

Yeah. I mean, it was all a disaster.

This is completely true.

I was never on, you know that Friends Reunited thing?

I was never on that.

But recently, it was as a result of knowing you'd chosen this,

I thought, I will look up somebody who I fancied at school.

And, obviously, I won't mention her name,

but I looked up her name and, you know,

where she lived and stuff like that.

And she was on there...

But the only place I could find her, it was,

the heading was WikiLeaks BNP members list.

THEY ALL GASP

Now, I was expecting some physical decay,

I thought morally, she'd still be all right!

-But, yeah, that's...

-That's dreadful.

That's how I find my ex-loves.

Why do you care about these people?

They're all dreadful. Everybody you were at school with was dreadful.

Idiots. All of them.

But there's cosmic justice, that you go and the ones who were horrible,

are now unhappy. And the ones who were nice are now...

It is... It is wonderful when you meet someone at a school reunion,

and you think, "Wow, your life peaked in year ten."

I've never been a stunner, you know, so I've not faded.

I looked dreadful even in my prime.

So, for me, there's no fear in that.

Because all the people that were really, you know, the hot ones or whatever,

they look dreadful.

They've had to see the decline.

And you sort of look and you go, "I couldn't even tell it was you,

"you looked so horrendous."

I was like, I had a beard and glasses from eight.

Didn't you go to school with Rachel Stevens from S Club 7?

Primary school. That's right, yeah, primary school.

Well, she seems lovely.

There she is.

Every time I see a picture of S Club 7, I don't know why,

I have to count them.

It's not like after all these years,

I'm going to find out there was eight of them. I always do it.

There she is in the purple top, looking lovely.

So that suggests there was nice people in your school past.

She's very beautiful.

-Probably lost on me even then, I would have thought.

-Yeah.

Think yourself lucky,

my ex-love was from SS Club 7!

I used to occasionally go back and have a look at my school

from the outside, just for that, you know...

This is me at my old school.

My mum was very late picking me up!

How old are you there?

-If I was you, I'd get that photo destroyed.

-Why?

Do I look like a suspicious character?

I really think it's not good for you that that photo exists, mate.

I hadn't thought of that, actually.

You should pan down!

I ended up teaching at the school that I went to,

-it was a bit...a bit weird.

-Ooh!

-Yeah.

-That's a big reunion!

-Yeah.

-Yuck!

I tell you what, man, the first time walking into the staff room,

felt like I was going into Narnia!

Absolutely incredible! But, actually, it was just people crying.

Were the other teachers pleased, thinking you'd done well,

or did they just feel a bit sort of upset?

I think it is pretty sad, isn't it,

to go back and teach at the school you went to?

Teachers who you thought hated you at school

end up being your colleagues.

And also, the ones that you thought were rubbish, were actually rubbish.

Nine times out of ten, you sort of go,

"Oh, yeah, I was right when I thought you were incompetent."

So, we come to the end of this round,

I don't think we can put child actors in,

because I think, probably,

children should play children in things,

otherwise you're going to get people childrening up.

You'll do me out of work.

I'm sorry about that.

The school reunion, I don't really like looking back,

which is hazardous on the motorway.

But will.i.am,

there's something warm and cuddly,

and less butch about him than other rappers.

You know what, I might...

Oh, no, to hell with it,

I'm going to put will.i.am into Room 101.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, we've just got time for a bonus choice,

so I'm going to see what Romesh has gone for.

-It is soft play centres.

-SCATTERED APPLAUSE

-Now...

-Even soft applause!

It's basically... Soft play centres are basically hell with padding.

Like, there's so much wrong with them. First of all,

it's normally just a warehouse, like an industrial sort of warehouse space,

and in the far side of it, they've crammed as much...

of Satan's creations as they can.

You know, there'll be scaffolding, ball pit,

there's all of this stuff and then you go in

and they give you a wrist band

that dictates to you how long you can spend in there.

You can't, in those places,

book for just ten minutes. And I don't understand.

It has to be an hour. "I don't want to be here for an hour!

"What I want to be here for is ten minutes and find an excuse to leave."

The biggest nightmare I have when I go into a soft play centre

is if there's loads of mums and one other dad

because I know that he is going to come over and have a chat.

It's the worst... I can feel him gradually making his way over

so that we can pretend that we've got something in common.

I can't imagine he hates himself as much as I hate him.

And then you've got to deal with other people's kids.

We've got three children. The first one is angelic,

the second one should never be...created,

the third one is too young to make a decision about.

So the first one, you put him in there, into the ball pit, the climbing thing,

and you look around to make...

And you just think, "I hope he doesn't get bullied."

The second one, you're thinking, "I hope he doesn't burn the building down."

So you're watching that and then I'm watching the kid,

there's so many dangers at a soft play centre.

First of all, there's always one random kid that's soiled himself,

who runs around the thing. Every 20 minutes, you go, "What...?"

And my kids will be like having a fight or getting into a disagreement

with another kid. You've got to think to yourself,

not only have I got to figure out how to deal with that situation,

I've got to figure out who's... who are the parents of that kid,

because if the dad is massive, "You're on your own, mate."

There's absolutely no way I'm stepping in to help out.

It's unhygienic.

I don't... The ball pit...

Come on, mate! That, to me, I just think, "Ebola."

And then the other thing is,

one of my biggest issues with soft play centres,

they don't have specialised staff. What I mean by that

is the same staff that are going round cleaning up the stuff

are also the staff that are running the cafe bit,

that serves food.

I don't want to buy a sandwich from somebody

who, seven minutes earlier, I saw fishing out a turd from a slide!

There's absolutely no way, mate!

I'm not going to get a Slush Puppy from you!

There's absolutely no way!

But I have to defend them, though,

because it is the only thing to do on a really wet day,

the kids are bouncing off the... You know at the weekends,

when your kids are full of energy, it's raining outside, there's nothing to do.

I mean, I remember, before we had kids,

my husband and I, we knew we were expecting and we made a vow,

we said, "We will never start drinking until we have put our children to bed."

Our kids go to bed at noon now sometimes!

But at the weekends, there is literally nothing else to do

to expend the energy, so you have to go to the soft play.

No, I don't disagree, but I love my children

because there's something in my brain that tells me to.

Other people's children can burn.

-LAUGHTER

-I literally...

do not want to spend any time

around loads of them

who are pumped up on sugar, just going, "Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

And then, like, my kid comes up and goes,

"He did that," and you just think, "I don't care, mate.

"I just... I'll be honest with you,

"until my phone runs out of battery, I'm not talking to you,

"so why don't you just deal with that

"any way you see fit and we'll have a chat about it later,

"but I've just seen a plug point so it's not going to be soon."

I mean, my kid is quite a gentle, sweet boy

and I find, at soft play centres,

-everything is soft except the other kids.

-Mm.

And they have often got skinhead haircuts and head scars,

aged four, and they just pursue him around this...

It's like watching Pac-Man!

-It's...

-And then it is when the other parents say,

"He's just very spirited," and you're like,

"No, he's a psychopath who just hasn't had the right tools yet!"

We've got one near us that describes itself as pirate themed

and we went along and were like, "Yeah, it's pirate themed

"cos someone lost a leg and everyone's suffering vitamin C deficiency."

The one near us,

they... Obviously they've got a maximum capacity, right,

that they can't accept any more people.

They don't tell you that. What happens is,

we pull up, the kids are going, "Soft play! Soft play!"

Then we pull up and the girl goes, "You can't come in,"

and then I've got to deal with the apocalypse

in the back of the car for the next 45 minutes.

I don't know, also, do you get the thing where...?

My kids go in and you have to take your shoes off

and so then they throw their shoes and I get more exercise than they do

by crawling around under every table

trying to find where they've chucked their shoes by the end of it.

I say to them, "If the shoes are gone, mate,

"you've not got shoes any more.

"I'm not going around looking for them.

"If you want to mess around, then you're barefoot. Deal with it.

"I'll call you Mowgli for the rest of the day."

Here's a lovely inflatable, which is a part of the whole soft play thing,

based on...

Based on the Titanic, that one,

which I believe just over 1,500 people died in that disaster.

"On you go, kids."

Here's a kid who wished he had gone to a soft play centre, I would guess.

HIS HEAD THUMPS REPEATEDLY

Aw! He took that very well, though!

That's actually... That was Boris Johnson as a child.

APPLAUSE

It doesn't matter what I think, it's your bonus choice, Romesh,

it's going into Room 101.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And that brings us to the end of the show.

Well done, Romesh, you were the most persuasive guest,

so you are this week's winner.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks very much, Romesh Ranganathan,

Judge Rinder, and Lucy Porter,

and thank you. Goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE