Episode 2 Room 101

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello. I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,

the show where three guests compete to get their pet hates

exiled forever to the dark vault that is Room 101.

In each round, only one choice can make it into the dreaded room.

The final decision is mine.

Joining me tonight are Masterchef's Gregg Wallace,

presenter and journalist, Gabby Logan, and comedian Sarah Millican.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

So, how are you feeling about Room 101?

Have you found the choices easy to make?

I did a law degree and so I was trained to argue anything.

So I can argue both sides, which I hate myself for.

Even on my first category, I will try and argue vehemently,

I could argue against it as well, I've found about myself.

I've found that's a skill that many women possess.

Right then, let's have our first category.

Well, it's Food & Drink.

I think we have to start with our resident expert,

so let's see what Gregg's food and drink choice is.

-So what is it? What is it, Gregg?

-I really can't stand barbecues.

-CROWD: Oooh!

-Don't "ooh" me!

Ohhh, you've lost. Ooh!

We've only just started, don't "ooh" me.

-Barbecues, I hate them, hate them.

-What do you have against them?

It used to be, you'd get invited to someone's house

and the worst you'd have to put up with was a buffet.

Now, men who only ever normally go in the kitchen to throw their

empty beer cans away, think they've mastered one of the most difficult

cooking techniques known to man, with absolute disastrous results.

You're in the garden, no tables and chairs, a steak that needs cutting,

with a paper plate and a plastic fork.

You've also got a napkin and a glass of beer, it doesn't work!

Can I just say, I'm all for al fresco dining,

just not the barbecue.

No-one's suggesting for a second

that you're against al fresco dining.

The thought never crossed my mind, I won't have that,

I won't have that hung upon me. See, I love the fact that it's informal,

you don't get a knife and fork and it's all laid-back.

Things like a chicken leg and a lamb chop,

I don't want to eat them with a knife and fork.

If God gives food a handle...

let's use it!

What you're objecting to is the way we eat barbecues,

rather than the barbecue...

-No, and the people that cook them.

-Because you do...

I've seen a man with a sausage on fire turning it!

Isn't it because you're from the professional

-showbiz cookery world, and...

-Showbiz cookery?!

You keep telling us that it's a very special art, where really,

really cooking is just making food a bit hotter.

APPLAUSE

OK, then, let's have a look at Gabby's choice

on the food and drink front.

-Blimey!

-This is the buffet.

This is a heart attack waiting to happen and this, unfortunately,

seems to be the future of dining. If you look at the States

and the all you can eat buffet, which is anathema in itself.

For 4.99, how you can have lobster, steak and prawns,

as the Vegas hotels advertise, and it not come from some deep-freeze

and been there 20 years, I don't know. But this is...

But I think in America, Gabby, "all you can eat" is a challenge.

That's what I'm worried about, because this trend for over-eating

and no portion control,

the buffet is obviously the first stop, you know,

because you can just keep going, and the combinations of foods

that you can have on a buffet are infinitesimal.

I was in South Africa last year and you could have curried prawns,

lamb chops and spaghetti bolognese on the same plate,

and one of my colleagues did. You know, it's disgusting to look at,

to watch somebody eat that combination of food.

But that's what I love about buffets.

You don't have to have the salad or the green stuff,

you can just have the stuff you really like.

It's sort of like a savoury pick 'n' mix.

It's fraught with hazards. If you go first to the buffet,

you look greedy. If you wait, you get stuck in the queue

with somebody you don't want to talk to.

That's why you just pop something in,

then you don't have to talk to anybody.

You don't have to pile your plate up. You can keep going.

You get two plates' worth by the time you get to the end of the table.

I'm amazed that you bother with a plate, Sarah.

Well, look, I've got a clip now of something which

I think justifies the whole buffet culture.

Have a look at this.

'Guests at a cocktail party need three things, a glass of wine,

'a plate of hors d'oeuvres and a free hand.

'Of course, this isn't always possible.'

Hey! I'm Adam, Carol's husband.

'Don't let this happen to your guests.

'Party Plate Clips are a must-have for the sensible host or hostess.

'Guests can attach a clip to their appetiser dish

'and then rest their glass of wine in the holder.

'Even with a ridiculously full glass of wine, the Party Plate Clip

'keeps everything balanced and easy to hold. Party Plate Clips.'

APPLAUSE

-That's brilliant! That's brilliant.

-Isn't it just the best thing ever?

The brilliant thing, it doesn't only fit on a plate,

it fits very neatly on the dashboard.

OK, let's see what Sarah's choice is.

Blimey!

My choice is Chicken Kiev.

But a dry Chicken Kiev.

I'm happy with a normal Chicken Kiev, it's maybe sort of 60% of my diet.

Oh, you're doing the "Chicken Kiev diet", very popular.

They're like adult nuggets, aren't they? You can sort of,

you can get away with it. I can't have nuggets any more, cos I'm 36,

but I can have a Chicken Kiev.

Although I've never had one that's the same size as me head before.

-But why do they get dry, then?

-Because they burst in the oven!

-Oh.

It's really annoying, cos I'm looking forward to,

cos chicken on its own, I could buy chicken on its own

if I wanted it, but I didn't want it, I want it with the stuff in!

And I can't cook, so I'm heavily reliant on oveny things.

I don't know that chicken was ever designed to be a sachet.

It was one of the first, I have this fact here, in 1976,

-it was Marks and Spencer's first ever ready-meal.

-Wow!

What about that? And we actually asked about the price.

-The price of a Chicken Kiev in 1976 was two quid for two.

-Whoa!

Really expensive.

And then we checked how much it costs in 2012 to buy a similar item.

Still two quid. Yeah.

So they were sort of quite elitist in the '70s, weren't they?

Yeah. And a brilliant investment.

You know, in these volatile financial times,

I suggest you put your money in Kievs.

So, look, you've all argued very well.

I feel, Sarah, I can't put the Kievs in.

I feel it's your fault, whereas the Kievs per se are beautiful.

And I, well, I mean, I love all these things.

A barbecue, I think it's important that,

it's the people's cooking and we should champion that.

So, on this occasion, I am going to put Gabby's choice in.

So, buffets go into Room 101.

Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Anyway, let's move on to the next category.

It's People, and I want to find out what people Gregg don't like.

Ahhhh.

-Is it the elderly?

-Scottish people?

That's old people at cash machines.

APPLAUSE

Now, I can understand, you know, also being a child in the '70s

and behind them in the queue in the Post Office saying,

"I don't understand this new money." That was hard enough.

But now, octogenarians with technology that you need

to get your cash out, is just disastrous.

Now, I have a theory that there is a chip in their card

which lets the machine know how old they are,

and if they are over 68, they get a game of Pacman.

That's the only explanation I've got for them being there for 25 minutes.

I think you're being a bit intolerant.

Listen, I got a round of applause, there.

I think we've all suffered the frustration of being

behind people that don't understand the new technology.

-Where are old people supposed to get their cash?

-A special one.

Separate cash points for the elderly, with massive buttons.

I don't know any...

I think they're pretty good with tech...

Some of these old geezers can find their way

around a Thai bride website easily enough.

My mam's just started going online. She likes to buy clothes online

-because she likes to put comments on the website.

-Oh, yeah?

But my sister has to tailor them,

because the last one she wanted to put on was "the top is lovely,

"but sometimes the tassels go in me dinner."

I love old people. I genuinely love old people,

and I was really sad to hear, not so long ago, a few months ago,

that old people in London are the loneliest in the whole country.

And cos I live in London, I thought, "Right, I'm going to make an effort

"when I see old people to smile at them." And they think I'm insane.

Yeah, they don't like it. I find them quite lazy.

The woman next door to me,

she hasn't took her milk in for about two weeks.

If this doesn't melt your heart, Gregg, I don't know what will.

This is...it's some old people.

It's in a restaurant, so it's on your home ground,

They're trying a bit of interviewing and it doesn't quite work out.

What time do you want me next week? Bye bye.

Oh, yeah, yeah, of course, some pepper.

-What is it?

-It's a microphone.

-What?

-A microphone.

I thought it was pepper!

APPLAUSE

Let's see what kind of people Sarah doesn't like.

-That's you in the car, how lovely.

-I know.

It's experts, so this is a mechanic in this scenario, obviously,

but also sort of dentists...anybody who knows a lot about something

that I might have to tap into, that I don't know the vocabulary.

If I'm in a restaurant and I don't understand the menu,

I Google it, really quietly, like that.

And I need to be able to do that in all of these instances.

I need to check that I'm not being ripped-off.

And it's the same with mechanics.

I take my car in,

I wish I could say it's definitely the flugelbinder, but...

You could say that,

but you'd be paying quite a lot of money, almost certainly.

Well, I went, I had a lump on my wrist

and I went and saw my doctor and he said, "It's a ganglion."

And I said, "Oh, right." I said, "What does that mean?"

He said you had to hit it with a Bible.

I thought, I'm not paying to see a doctor

who gives me advice from Medieval England.

So he said, "OK, I'll send you to see a specialist."

I went to see this specialist, and I said,

"Look, I've got a ganglion.

"My doctor said I should hit it with a Bible."

And he said, "It's absolutely outrageous

"that anyone would suggest that in 2010.

"Hit it with a book representing all the world's religions."

Fabulous. I could have hugged him.

I'll tell you what I'll do, I've got a list here of terms,

some of which are from dentistry and some of which are from mechanics.

-OK.

-And I'm going to ask you three, right, to say which one it is.

So the first one here, is this dentistry or mechanics?

The pulp chamber.

Dentistry.

-Mechanics.

-Dentistry.

It is, indeed. It's the central cavity of a tooth.

-Of course it is.

-Did you know that?

See, I've already replaced that on my Micra.

What about a strut brace?

Pornography.

Oh, yes, sorry, that wasn't supposed to be there.

APPLAUSE

So let's see what kind of people Gabby Logan doesn't like.

You'd better say what it is before people, er...

everyone's a bit edgy at what you're going to say.

Controversial.

It's sales assistants, but a very specific kind of sales assistant,

-because there are very good sales assistants.

-Of course.

But there are also, and I kind of feel like Mary Queen of Shops

when I get on this rant, but she has highlighted a dearth of talent

in the sales area across a whole load of services in this country.

We don't value sales assistants in the way that, for example,

in America you meet waitresses. That's their career.

They want to be a waitress. In this country, it's seen as a stop-gap.

We don't tip properly, we don't give sales people commission in shops.

So they have no real interest in their products.

I'll tell you what surprises me.

I'd have thought that you would get a bit of celebrity treatment.

I wouldn't even think of that when going into a shop.

Oh, you want a bit of celebrity treatment. What's the point?

I was in a shop buying something for my daughter and I said,

"Is this a true age five, or would you say it comes up

"a bit big for an age five? Cos she's just about to be six."

And the girl went, "What?"

And I said, "Well, you know, does this fit a normal five year old,

"or is this a bit big for a five year old?"

-And she turned to the other assistant and went...

-No!

I felt like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. I handed everything to her

and I went, "Big mistake." And I just walked out of the shop.

See, I don't have kids.

I wouldn't have known how to answer that.

I would have gone, "Is your bairn a bit fat then, is it?"

We had a courier company and we had some truffles for Sally Clarke,

a formidable chef, coming back from Italy, and they lost them.

Four or five days later they got hold of them, and I phoned up.

They said, "Mr Wallace, we've found your package.

"We've got it in our London distribution centre."

I said "At Vauxhall." "That's right."

"I'm at Covent Garden Market, I'll pick it up."

"You can't do that, sir.

"There's nobody down here who's trained to speak to the public."

True story.

Loads of chimps running around.

Could I have a bleurgh-blah?! I've come to pick up a bleurgh-bleugh!

OK. I'm not keen on putting in shop assistants,

because if I do I'll never get served in a shop ever again.

The same reason I wouldn't put in the emergency services,

if you'd chosen those.

-And I cannot put in elderly people.

-You want to though, Frank.

-No I don't, I don't.

-You so want to.

-I think you're too cruel.

But, I also am very intimidated by experts and so it is

experts that intimidate us with their knowledge

that goes into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

And so to the next category.

This is the Wildcard round, because sometimes I feel

we constrain you too much in your hatred and dislikes.

So you get free reign. You can pick anything you like

that winds you up and we're going to start off with Sarah.

Let's see what really, really gets on Sarah's nerves.

Um?

It's erm...

cats that ignore me.

I don't have any animals, I'd like to have a pet,

but I don't have that sort of lifestyle.

I can't have an animal, so I have to rely on other people's animals,

stroking strangers' cats, that sort of thing.

So I will drive along and if I see a bonny looking cat,

I will pull in and then go and try and find the cat.

But they're little buggers in that they hide or they just, you know,

ignore me or they go right underneath a car, not my car.

it wouldn't be bad if they did that cos I'd have a hatch fitted

so I could drag them in.

But they hide right in the centre, where your arm just can't reach.

I've tried all the way round!

I need one of those grabby hands that pensioners have

-for when they drop things.

-Or maybe just an old-fashioned rake.

So they don't, it's like they don't like you, Sarah. Can I suggest that?

-No, I don't think it's that.

-No.

Can I stroke that one, even if he's got his back to us?

This is a good thing, cos if you go down here, they can't bite you.

-Yeah, well that one died in the 1980's.

-Oh, it feels real!

-It is, well it was real.

-That's a real stuffed cat.

Oh! Is this going back anywhere at the end of the show?

I totally want it.

I could put something to heat it up so it felt even more...

I don't think they're like ready meals,

you can bring them back to life with a microwave.

I saw a cat through a window recently and I went up

and I mewed at it. Miaow.

And it mewed back, but obviously it was silent, so it looked quite sad.

But it put its paw up,

it put its paw up at the glass like it was in prison in America,

and I put my paw up as well and we had a lovely moment.

-You put YOUR paw?

-My hand, whatever.

Is there part of this that you're in a cat outfit?

Let's see what Gabby has chosen for her wildcard.

This is a replica of the Olympic torch.

But it's gone out. Symbolically it's gone out.

Because I am trying to put into Room 101

people who poo-poo the Olympics,

who have no enthusiasm for the Olympics,

who put it down, who don't give it a chance.

On the 27th July, 204 countries are represented in 26 different sports.

Hundreds of millions of people will turn...

Am I picking up Five Live on this?

They're going to turn their eyes around the world on London,

and it is an amazing city. I'm lucky in my job to travel,

I've been to different cities and World Cups and all kinds of things,

and the festival atmosphere of an Olympic Games,

what it does to a city and a country's self-esteem,

is incredible. You don't have to love sport, you have to love drama,

passion, enthusiasm, the human spirit

and the things that make people unique. That's all you have to love.

And people who say "I'm going away when the Olympics is on."

"I'm not watching that. Oh, it's going to be a nightmare."

It's two weeks, the Olympics.

I guarantee the most ardent kind of anti-Olympic person

will be moved when this comes to town, and you will cry

on an almost daily basis, as somebody triumphs against the odds.

Blimey!

Isn't there enough drug abuse in London,

without bringing in a load of athletes?

The good thing about the Olympics being in London is that

when we lose, the runners and whatnot won't have very far to go home.

Well, I must admit,

I'm sort of one of the people you're trying to put into Room 101, here.

I can't get very excited about the Olympics at all.

The other thing I think, and this is, this is not a joke,

I hate the logo so much it's put me off the Olympics.

APPLAUSE

-I think it really...

-It's like the worst jigsaw you've ever seen.

I think that is just the tiniest part of this Olympic Games...

I know, but it's everywhere!

-I could do a better logo than that now.

-Oh, you've got one.

No, I'll do one. I will do a better logo for the Olympics than that.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We beat Paris, Moscow, New York and Madrid for this...

That's the problem though, that you can't top beating Paris.

French people crying on the telly, the Olympics can't follow that.

Anyway, let's see what Gregg Wallace has chosen as his wildcard.

-Music festivals, and that includes all live music.

-What?!

And I'll tell you what, I know I'm getting old now and I only like

music by dead people, but I'll tell you why I don't like concerts.

You go to concerts to listen to music that you like

by bands who have made songs you like,

you get there to find half the concert is them playing music

you've never heard before, cos they want to promote a new album.

And then they do songs and change them.

So I went to see Elton John, he had a 15-minute Rocket Man.

Now, unless there was a bit missing off my LP,

Rocket Man was about three, three and a half minutes.

There was a big jazz section in it.

Now I think, if you go and see a band, you're going to see them

because you like the music they've done,

not possibly the music they're going to do,

and they should just leave their songs alone.

There's one thing I will say in your, there is,

occasionally you do see something and you do think to yourself,

maybe live music just isn't a very good idea after all.

# My baby's always dancing, And it wouldn't be a bad thing

# But I don't get no loving, And that's no lie

# We spent the night in Frisco, At every kind of disco

# From that night I kissed our love goodbye

# Don't blame it on the sunshine, Don't blame it on the moonlight

# Don't blame it on the good times Blame it on the boogie. #

APPLAUSE

Do you know, that's actually better than I remember.

Yes. I thought it was an Elton John gig during a hurricane.

Well, I have one, cos I feel strongly about this, I feel that

live music and bands experimenting and that is very important, Gregg.

I've got one last trump card that I think could win you over.

You are probably the most famous greengrocer in Britain,

maybe even in the world, is that true?

Well, then please welcome the London Vegetable Orchestra.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

MUSIC: "Stand By Me" by Ben E. King

-APPLAUSE

-Well done.

Ohhh, I loved it.

I loved it.

I was actually playing a bit of air parsnip.

Anyway, now apparently the government says you should

listen to five of their songs a day.

OK, I'm going to make my choice.

Well, look, you may have guessed, I'm not going to put live music in,

it's very, it's very, very crucial to me.

And, erm...people who, cats who ignore you...

I think maybe you should get some catnip and everything'll be OK.

The reason I think I'm going to make this choice, Gabby,

is because I am one of the people who moan about the Olympics,

and you know what, I think in a way it's quite bad of me.

I'm going to change my ways. You were so passionate,

I am going to put people who moan about the Olympics into Room 101.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And that brings us to the end of the show.

And so, well done Gabby,

you've proved to be the most persuasive guest tonight, so you get

to choose one item to go into Room 101 that's completely unchallenged.

-What are you going for?

-I'm going for shell suits.

-Really?

-Yes.

What a shame, I do think, they do say that if you hold a shell suit up

to your ear, you can hear the roar of the ocean at Southend-on-Sea.

OK, you have your own way, Gabby.

I'm going to put shell suits into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

In it goes. Thank you very much to Gregg, to Gabby and to Sarah.

Thank you very much, and playing us out,

the one and only London Vegetable Orchestra.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

MUSIC: "Soul Bossa Nova" by Quincy Jones

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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