Episode 3 Room 101

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,

the show where three guests will be vying to have their pet hates and peeves

forever consigned to the dark, desolate wasteland that is Room 101.

Our guests' choices have been sorted into categories,

but there's only enough space for one at a time - the final decision is mine.

Choosing the one I like least from a category can be difficult.

Take, for example, this group.

You've got to have a bit of light amidst the dark, haven't you? Give me another category.

-LAUGHTER

-That's it, much cheerier(!)

So let's meet the guests.

Joining me tonight are wildlife expert, Chris Packham,

presenter, Chris Tarrant, and rock legend, Alice Cooper.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's have our first category.

OK, so the first category is celebrities.

Let's have a look at Alice Cooper's choice.

LAUGHTER

Exactly. I hate all reality TV stars.

Reality "stars" are not stars

because they've never worked for anything.

When I pick up a magazine and it says, "Tiffany and Jeff breaking up",

and I go, "I don't know who these people are."

You know, I'm at the point where...

You understand that, even in the States, we have a bunch of drunk kids in New Jersey

in a house that I would like to open the gas line

-and just light the match and let it blow up, you know?

-APPLAUSE

-This is Jersey Shore of which you speak, isn't it?

-Yes.

But, I mean, Big Brother.

You've got this horrendous person

that you wouldn't talk to in real life

and this other horrendous person

that you would rather kill than look at

and if they're on an island,

I hope the tidal wave kills all of them, you know?

APPLAUSE

-That's fire and water you've finished them off with already.

-Yeah.

Well, I must admit, I am sort of interested in these people a bit.

I think they do us a lot of good

because, compared to them, in the world of celebrity,

-since they've arrived, we all look much deeper, more talented.

-Yeah.

You know, I never thought that you would come up with a positive thought on it,

but you actually are right.

We had a reality star called...

I think it's fair to call him that, he was on talent show, called Chico.

-I don't know if he ever made...?

-No.

He had a catchphrase, which is very important in this business, and it was, "It's Chico time."

And when he took his photo,

I'll tell you how he signified that it was "Chico time".

LAUGHTER

I'm not sure about this because I do like those...

I like those programmes.

-I like watching reality stuff.

-I just... I'm old school.

I like a star that's a star,

he's worked to be a star and there he is - he's a star.

And go look at him and you go, "Oh, that's a star."

And then you look at these kids and you go, "Really? Really?!"

LAUGHTER But there are those still. There's one there on the screen,

and it's not Brad on the left, who is incredibly famous,

is in all the magazines Alice is talking about,

makes a very large amount of money,

sells books, which she ghost writes in crayon by the... LAUGHTER

..by the shed-load!

She's very popular.

I went to a book signing that took about six or seven hours - Jordan.

Her second book was a bit quicker.

LAUGHTER

Anyway, erm...you argue with true venom, Alice.

Let's see what Chris Tarrant doesn't like about celebrity.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Jedward!

I've said it now. Jedward!

They are everything that Alice is on about, except they have a name.

I don't understand a word they say, I don't think it would matter much if I found out,

but they cannot sing, they cannot dance at all,

they irritate the... out of just about everybody.

They were on The X Factor,

which supposedly is a search for excellence,

someone who's got the X factor, someone like Mr Cooper on my left,

who can go on to be a great star or whatever.

It's the Y Factor! Why are they still on?

LAUGHTER

And, genetically, twins breed twins.

There'll be bloody thousands of them!

LAUGHTER

-Isn't there something loveable about them?

-No.

I love...they've got a fabulous sort of...

They're fools, but they seem resilient - they bounce back.

I have a clip which... you'll really enjoy this.

This shows how durable they are.

This is Jedward on stage and one of them, don't ask me which one,

actually, mid-song, fractures a bone in his leg.

# Pressure on people, people on streets

LAUGHTER

# Too cold, too cold. #

Come on! Are you OK?

Let's do this!

LAUGHTER

Are you sure that wasn't an assassination attempt and...?

-I think they've changed the world.

-No, they haven't!

Who would have thought we'd be in a position

where the Cheeky Girls are not the stupidest twins in showbiz?

There is that.

And they actually did great services for the United States.

They received full military honours, Jedward, for their part in the killing of Osama Bin Laden.

-Really? Oh.

-Here they are receiving their...

They worked undercover in Al-Qaeda under the name of Jehadward.

LAUGHTER

OK, you make your point, Chris.

Let's see which celebrity Chris Packham doesn't like.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-It is the odious...

-Ooh!

-..Chris Moyles.

Just saying his name, I've probably developed a rash.

-Can I ask what it is that you don't like about him?

-Yeah. OK.

Well, there's a list of things. Firstly...

Hold on a minute.

To me, he's a totemic figure

for the celebration of mediocrity and ignorance.

-You know, he...

-APPLAUSE

And he manifests this by speaking without ever thinking, you know,

and when he... And he's self-aggrandizing.

He... Oh, my goodness me.

Hold on. I've just got to breathe a bit.

I see him as a sort of cheeky Jabba The Hutt.

LAUGHTER

Can I say, before you tear in any more,

Chris Moyles does, erm, he's done 17.5 hours of radio a week...

Oh, my god.

..for seven years.

They say that if an infinite number of monkeys

typed on an infinite number of typewriters,

eventually they would produce the works of Shakespeare.

But, on the way, they'd produce quite a bit of casual sexism.

I think that's how it's worked...

He's doing hours and hours of stuff, you've got to allow him the odd slip.

One badly damaged marmoset

typing on a Speak And Spell machine would produce his average show(!)

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I worked with Moyles at Capital Radio,

-when he did the prestigious 1am slot until 2:30am or something.

-See? He's paid his dues.

You know, he did a 52-hour marathon on the radio

and raised £2.4 million for charity.

And how many people died in their rooms, you know?

LAUGHTER

Well, look, you've all argued with tremendous passion in this round,

but, er, I'm not going to let Chris Moyles in

because I think radio is a tough job and he does loads of it

and I think some of it is great.

And even Homer nods, as they say.

-Jedward, I have a soft spot for...

-Oh, come on!

-Because I like them.

-No!

-I like fools of all kinds.

But I'm going to go with Alice.

You know what, I am going to put all reality TV stars into Room 101.

Thank you. Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, let's move on to the next category.

Animals. Oh, dear.

Animals that wind-up Alice Cooper.

LAUGHTER

I hate people that have wild animals as pets.

I don't get it. Eventually, that animal is going to eat you.

LAUGHTER

Chris, being a zoologist,

-is thinking, "That giraffe will never eat that man, ever."

-LAUGHTER

Didn't you used to keep snakes?

I have a snake here. I can't remember where I put it.

LAUGHTER

A lot of people have snakes. Not many people have tigers and lions.

It's always...you read in the paper, "I don't know what happened.

"I raised him from a cub

"and now he's this big and he just took my face off.

He's a tiger. You're lunch!

LAUGHTER

-My girlfriend keeps tigers and lions, Alice.

-Really?

-Does she really?

-I'm in a difficult position.

-Your girlfriend keeps tigers and lions?

-She does, yeah.

Now, look, I think...

-Is that why you're wearing a camouflage shirt?

-LAUGHTER

No, my partner has a sanctuary where she gets animals

from people who have tried to keep them, like Alice is talking about.

Her last one came from Florida and it was a tiger

and it was brought over to the UK.

She keeps it in a large enclosure with plenty of space

and it will live out the rest of its life acting as an ambassador for its species.

-Many people come to see it and learn about it.

-It's working as an ambassador?

-Is that like Geri Halliwell did for UNICEF?

-LAUGHTER

I mean, I kept lots of exotic animals when I was a kid,

-and now I let my girlfriend do it for me.

-Like what? What did you have?

We had British wild animals -

foxes and badgers and owls and buzzards.

-And then rattle snakes.

-As pets?

-Yeah.

-Where did you keep them? Were they just in your house?

-Yeah, in the bedroom.

You had a fox in your bedroom and a badger?

-That's amazing. Is it legal, Chris?

-Well, no.

-I'm sorry, I...

LAUGHTER

I love animals. I love animals.

I have dogs, I have, you know, snakes, everything like that,

and I treat them like they're made out of porcelain.

They're my favourite things in the world - animals.

It's just that when they get to weigh four times more than you do and they want to play,

they can break you in half just playing with you.

I don't know anybody who has a giraffe.

-Oh, Michael Jackson had a giraffe, and look what it did to him.

-LAUGHTER

-Hey, come on.

-APPLAUSE

You're not trying to pin this on the giraffe are you?

-Call it doctor all you want, but it was the giraffe.

-LAUGHTER

OK, let's see what kind of animals wind up Chris Tarrant.

-Oh, I hate them!

-Aaah.

No, sorry. Parrots - I hate parrots!

I love birds. I spend a lot of time out in the country.

I hate...it didn't help that when I was six I was attacked by a parrot.

-Well, that is...

-It just went "Waaark!" and attacked me.

-You can't blame all parrots for one...

-I do!

They don't...they don't sing, they don't talk.

-"Did you hear what it...?" "Mwark!"

-They do talk.

-No, they do not.

There's one in my pub, it never says a bloomin' thing.

"Did you hear what it said? Shakespeare sonnet." No it wasn't. "Wark!"

Pretty boy. "Bwark!" They don't!

They can't fly, they fly a bit. They've got these horrible...

they haven't got lovely, pretty, chirpy beaks, they've got these can openers.

Look at them. Horrible things! And they crap...everywhere.

Long John Silver, you never saw him from behind, did you?

LAUGHTER

In the pirate films, when I was a kid, I used to like the parrots better than the pirates.

I would have made Parrots Of The Caribbean if I was going to make that.

I just thought they were fascinating.

If you go to a beautiful island in the Caribbean, St Lucia,

there's signs everywhere saying, "Do not eat the parrot."

It never crossed my mind, frankly.

-You can't do anything with them. They are horrible.

-I think they repeat on you.

GROANS AND LAUGHTER

-Parrots can talk.

-Of course they can't.

-They can.

-You've got a badger in your bed.

I am not going to argue with a man who wakes up with a Shetland pony(!)

OK, which animals wind up Chris Packham?

Hold on.

There is only one animal species that I don't like

and that is Homo sapiens, the human species.

-What?

-We have ruined everything.

Before you go on, is this just another sneaky way of getting Chris Moyles in?

LAUGHTER

We have ruined everything.

We had a lovely little blue planet, drifting in a solar system,

everything was in harmony, things were evolving,

things were becoming extinct, we were having a nice little time with dinosaurs,

and then, all of a sudden, mammals and then hominids.

You know, we stand upright with our opposing thumb and our bigger brain

and then some idiot invents agriculture about 12,000 years ago

and then another idiot comes up with medicine so we live too long.

And, all of a sudden, you've got 6.97 billion human beings trashing the whole lot.

APPLAUSE

-What are you doing, you fools?

-Why are you all clapping?

But we are the stewards of creation.

That's why we invented the high-viz jacket.

LAUGHTER

We should be living in harmony with the rest of the world and we don't do it.

Do you know, there are more... When it comes to vertebrate animals, animals with backbones,

there are more humans than any other species on the planet...

-But that's because we're best, Chris.

-But we're not.

-You're telling us we are not best?

-We're not best.

That's...look at this.

LAUGHTER

You ask a chimpan...

Rubbish!

OK, this is my trump card,

because I think there's something very magical about humanity.

It's easy to criticise and talk about the bad things we've done to the planet,

but I think there's also something beautiful and wondrous and magical about it.

Here is my argument against you, Chris Packham.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the human race!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

RHYTHMIC CLAPPING

What time is it?

It's Chico time!

-Oh, come on!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I think I win.

OK, so we come to the end of the animals round,

and, you know what, I can't put human beings in

because they're too special and wondrous and marvellous.

I don't think it's right to put the wild animals we've kept,

because I think you keep a snake and I'm putting you next to that man with the giraffe.

-And although I love parrots, you argued it with such verve, Chris.

-As you would(!)

I am going to put parrots into Room 101.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

APPLAUSE

OK, the next category, please.

Ah, this is the Wildcard Round because we feel we might constrain you a bit in your choices,

so we give you one round where you're free to pick the thing that winds you up most of all.

So let's find out what Chris Tarrant chose.

LAUGHTER

All commercials on the television that try and sell me insurance.

They are just driving me up the wall!

When you're a kid, I remember my dad saying, "The insurance man's coming", knock on the door,

it's something you were afraid of or quite spooky.

Now they are just... I don't know why,

they just line up to make the most infuriating commercial and they use the oddest things.

They choose the strangest people.

Michael Parkinson. I have huge love and respect for Michael Parkinson,

except he's doing some sort of commercial for...

basically choose your own funeral arrangements, whatever, with free pen(!)

LAUGHTER Michael, what are you doing?

It's like, "I didn't know which coffin to go for,

"but now I've got a free Biro, that's the one for me." What's that about?

In case anyone hasn't seen that,

let's have a look at the advert of which Chris speaks.

I've met thousands of fascinating people

and I have some wonderful memories,

but if you'd like to leave your loved ones more than happy memories, you might want to look at this -

The Axa Sun Life Guaranteed Over-50 plan.

You'll receive a free Parker pen just for inquiring.

You're dead! Who are you going to write to?

LAUGHTER

-From the grave?

-What you want is a Papermate

so you can write upside down with, so you can write on the lid.

I'm sorry, it's just always insurance of some form or another.

And if it's not them, what do they use? Meerkats.

CHEERING No! No, not that one.

What's that one called? Aleksandr Orlov or something.

He wants to have the snip, simples.

He does. Gone.

-The meerkat had a best-selling book.

-So did Jordan! LAUGHTER

Yeah, but I think that the meerkat wrote more of his than she did.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, let's see what Chris Packham's wildcard is.

Children's art.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-That's terrible.

-Now, look...

-You're bad.

-You can't do that.

There's nothing wrong with children's art, OK?

It's children's art in public places,

and that includes pinned to the fridges of the houses that I visit

because that essentially becomes a public place when I visit it.

LAUGHTER

-Now, I had a friend and he was a...

-I find that hard to believe.

LAUGHTER

-Was it a weasel?

-It was past tense. It was past tense.

He was very, very keen on art.

I have a passionate interest in art myself.

He was an artist and I went round to his house.

He's had a kid and he's got some rubbish like this on the fridge.

-Well, I tore it up and put it in the bin.

-No!

-You didn't!

-I did

-I did.

-Chris, tell me you're exaggerating for comic effect.

I'm not exaggerating. William, his son,

had done this hideous caricature of some deformed animal or something

and I tore it up and put it in the bin.

You know, how could he be so hypocritical?

Obviously, yes, enjoy it, share it with the family

and then file it away where it can't be seen.

Well, look, we got some of our production team's children to draw you.

LAUGHTER

They've watched...they've watched Autumn thingy, and all that,

and this was what they came up with.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I don't know...I think Michaela Strachan has looked better.

-But doesn't that make you feel a bit guilty, that they've drawn a lovely Chris Packham?

-It doesn't.

-I'm very flattered that they've, done that, and I...

-We told them to.

But, nevertheless, they picked up their felt tips and they, you know,

inscribed a hideous caricature of myself on a piece of cheap paper.

-And as much as I appreciate that...

-You're a monster.

And as much as I appreciate that and I'm flattered by that,

I would take that home and I would write to the child and say thank you very much,

-because I would want to encourage their interest...

-You can't write with hands like that(!)

LAUGHTER

-I just wouldn't put it on the wall, that's all.

-OK.

I've got a bit of an itchy...

LAUGHTER

More realistic than you think.

OK, let's see Alice Cooper's wildcard.

LAUGHTER

I hate clowns that make animals out of balloons.

I hate the sound of it.

IMITATES SQUEAKY BALLOON

I was on an airplane one time when, and I don't smoke,

this is back when you could smoke on an airline,

and there'd be a kid with a balloon and I would light a cigarette and walk by and pop it.

LAUGHTER

I'm so sorry. When we get off the plane and you're in your car, I'll buy you another balloon, OK?

-But not on an enclosed airplane where you get...

-MAKES BALLOON NOISES

I can't stand the sound of a squeaky balloon.

In case anyone isn't familiar with the sound...

BALLOON SQUEAKS

It's not that easy to do.

LAUGHTER

Sorry. I'm Catholic. I'm not used to this.

I'm no big fan of the balloons at all.

-They're stupid-looking, aren't they? You've never seen a good-looking balloon hat.

-No.

I've never seen an accurate facsimile of any animal.

-No. That's nothing you've ever had in your bed?

-Never.

LAUGHTER

-I'm going to try one thing to win you over.

-OK.

Alice, I would like you to meet,

and please give a warm hand to Mr Graham Lee.

APPLAUSE

-Hey, Alice, guess what Graham does.

-Yeah, I was afraid of that.

So, Graham, can you make us a little bit of wildlife?

Of course I can. This is a classic of balloon modelling.

Here we go.

And it's...get hold of it like this and there we go.

A little swan. APPLAUSE

Brilliant!

This next one is going to win you over.

Graham prepared one earlier. Can you go and get it, Graham?

-Wait a second.

-If this one doesn't challenge...

APPLAUSE

That is brilliant. Look at that snake's face.

I absolutely lose. That's...how long did that take?

-Oh, probably about 16 hours.

-Anybody got a cigarette?

LAUGHTER

That's amazing, that really is.

What about a big hand for Graham Lee?

APPLAUSE

I've come to my final decision of the night.

Chris, I feel sorry for you, because you've argued so well all night,

but all the things you've chosen are just really nice things.

I can't put children's art in, it would just be wrong.

And I'm not going to put balloon animals in

because I love the fact that they are made by us and makes us, sort of, God-like creatures.

But I am, and to be honest, with some gusto,

-I am going to put insurance adverts into Room 101.

-Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And that brings us to the end of the show

and well done, Chris, you were the most persuasive contestant tonight and you win.

Oh, fantastic.

APPLAUSE

And, as winner, you get to put one choice

completely unchallenged into Room 101. What will it be?

Sooty.

AUDIENCE BOOS

I can't stand Sooty.

40 years, it's still not an act.

It's just a bloke with his hand up a yellow bag.

Anybody could work with it - Ozzy Osbourne, Prince Charles.

-If Ozzy Osbourne did it, though, Sooty would be like this.

-LAUGHTER

-Anyway, it goes straight in, Chris.

-Good! At last! Yes!

Thank you very much Christ Tarrant, Chris Packham and Alice Cooper, and thank you. Goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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