Episode 3 Room 101


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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello. I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,

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the show where three guests will be vying to have their pet hates and peeves

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forever consigned to the dark, desolate wasteland that is Room 101.

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Our guests' choices have been sorted into categories,

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but there's only enough space for one at a time - the final decision is mine.

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Choosing the one I like least from a category can be difficult.

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Take, for example, this group.

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You've got to have a bit of light amidst the dark, haven't you? Give me another category.

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-LAUGHTER

-That's it, much cheerier(!)

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So let's meet the guests.

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Joining me tonight are wildlife expert, Chris Packham,

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presenter, Chris Tarrant, and rock legend, Alice Cooper.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Let's have our first category.

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OK, so the first category is celebrities.

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Let's have a look at Alice Cooper's choice.

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LAUGHTER

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Exactly. I hate all reality TV stars.

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Reality "stars" are not stars

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because they've never worked for anything.

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When I pick up a magazine and it says, "Tiffany and Jeff breaking up",

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and I go, "I don't know who these people are."

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You know, I'm at the point where...

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You understand that, even in the States, we have a bunch of drunk kids in New Jersey

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in a house that I would like to open the gas line

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-and just light the match and let it blow up, you know?

-APPLAUSE

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-This is Jersey Shore of which you speak, isn't it?

-Yes.

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But, I mean, Big Brother.

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You've got this horrendous person

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that you wouldn't talk to in real life

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and this other horrendous person

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that you would rather kill than look at

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and if they're on an island,

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I hope the tidal wave kills all of them, you know?

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APPLAUSE

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-That's fire and water you've finished them off with already.

-Yeah.

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Well, I must admit, I am sort of interested in these people a bit.

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I think they do us a lot of good

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because, compared to them, in the world of celebrity,

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-since they've arrived, we all look much deeper, more talented.

-Yeah.

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You know, I never thought that you would come up with a positive thought on it,

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but you actually are right.

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We had a reality star called...

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I think it's fair to call him that, he was on talent show, called Chico.

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-I don't know if he ever made...?

-No.

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He had a catchphrase, which is very important in this business, and it was, "It's Chico time."

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And when he took his photo,

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I'll tell you how he signified that it was "Chico time".

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LAUGHTER

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I'm not sure about this because I do like those...

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I like those programmes.

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-I like watching reality stuff.

-I just... I'm old school.

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I like a star that's a star,

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he's worked to be a star and there he is - he's a star.

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And go look at him and you go, "Oh, that's a star."

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And then you look at these kids and you go, "Really? Really?!"

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LAUGHTER But there are those still. There's one there on the screen,

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and it's not Brad on the left, who is incredibly famous,

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is in all the magazines Alice is talking about,

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makes a very large amount of money,

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sells books, which she ghost writes in crayon by the... LAUGHTER

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..by the shed-load!

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She's very popular.

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I went to a book signing that took about six or seven hours - Jordan.

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Her second book was a bit quicker.

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LAUGHTER

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Anyway, erm...you argue with true venom, Alice.

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Let's see what Chris Tarrant doesn't like about celebrity.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Jedward!

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I've said it now. Jedward!

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They are everything that Alice is on about, except they have a name.

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I don't understand a word they say, I don't think it would matter much if I found out,

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but they cannot sing, they cannot dance at all,

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they irritate the... out of just about everybody.

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They were on The X Factor,

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which supposedly is a search for excellence,

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someone who's got the X factor, someone like Mr Cooper on my left,

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who can go on to be a great star or whatever.

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It's the Y Factor! Why are they still on?

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LAUGHTER

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And, genetically, twins breed twins.

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There'll be bloody thousands of them!

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LAUGHTER

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-Isn't there something loveable about them?

-No.

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I love...they've got a fabulous sort of...

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They're fools, but they seem resilient - they bounce back.

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I have a clip which... you'll really enjoy this.

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This shows how durable they are.

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This is Jedward on stage and one of them, don't ask me which one,

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actually, mid-song, fractures a bone in his leg.

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# Pressure on people, people on streets

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LAUGHTER

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# Too cold, too cold. #

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Come on! Are you OK?

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Let's do this!

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LAUGHTER

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Are you sure that wasn't an assassination attempt and...?

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-I think they've changed the world.

-No, they haven't!

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Who would have thought we'd be in a position

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where the Cheeky Girls are not the stupidest twins in showbiz?

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There is that.

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And they actually did great services for the United States.

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They received full military honours, Jedward, for their part in the killing of Osama Bin Laden.

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-Really? Oh.

-Here they are receiving their...

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They worked undercover in Al-Qaeda under the name of Jehadward.

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LAUGHTER

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OK, you make your point, Chris.

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Let's see which celebrity Chris Packham doesn't like.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-It is the odious...

-Ooh!

-..Chris Moyles.

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Just saying his name, I've probably developed a rash.

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-Can I ask what it is that you don't like about him?

-Yeah. OK.

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Well, there's a list of things. Firstly...

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Hold on a minute.

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To me, he's a totemic figure

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for the celebration of mediocrity and ignorance.

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-You know, he...

-APPLAUSE

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And he manifests this by speaking without ever thinking, you know,

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and when he... And he's self-aggrandizing.

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He... Oh, my goodness me.

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Hold on. I've just got to breathe a bit.

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I see him as a sort of cheeky Jabba The Hutt.

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LAUGHTER

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Can I say, before you tear in any more,

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Chris Moyles does, erm, he's done 17.5 hours of radio a week...

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Oh, my god.

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..for seven years.

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They say that if an infinite number of monkeys

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typed on an infinite number of typewriters,

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eventually they would produce the works of Shakespeare.

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But, on the way, they'd produce quite a bit of casual sexism.

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I think that's how it's worked...

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He's doing hours and hours of stuff, you've got to allow him the odd slip.

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One badly damaged marmoset

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typing on a Speak And Spell machine would produce his average show(!)

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I worked with Moyles at Capital Radio,

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-when he did the prestigious 1am slot until 2:30am or something.

-See? He's paid his dues.

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You know, he did a 52-hour marathon on the radio

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and raised £2.4 million for charity.

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And how many people died in their rooms, you know?

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LAUGHTER

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Well, look, you've all argued with tremendous passion in this round,

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but, er, I'm not going to let Chris Moyles in

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because I think radio is a tough job and he does loads of it

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and I think some of it is great.

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And even Homer nods, as they say.

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-Jedward, I have a soft spot for...

-Oh, come on!

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-Because I like them.

-No!

-I like fools of all kinds.

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But I'm going to go with Alice.

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You know what, I am going to put all reality TV stars into Room 101.

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Thank you. Thank you.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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OK, let's move on to the next category.

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Animals. Oh, dear.

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Animals that wind-up Alice Cooper.

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LAUGHTER

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I hate people that have wild animals as pets.

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I don't get it. Eventually, that animal is going to eat you.

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LAUGHTER

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Chris, being a zoologist,

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-is thinking, "That giraffe will never eat that man, ever."

-LAUGHTER

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Didn't you used to keep snakes?

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I have a snake here. I can't remember where I put it.

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LAUGHTER

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A lot of people have snakes. Not many people have tigers and lions.

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It's always...you read in the paper, "I don't know what happened.

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"I raised him from a cub

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"and now he's this big and he just took my face off.

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He's a tiger. You're lunch!

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LAUGHTER

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-My girlfriend keeps tigers and lions, Alice.

-Really?

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-Does she really?

-I'm in a difficult position.

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-Your girlfriend keeps tigers and lions?

-She does, yeah.

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Now, look, I think...

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-Is that why you're wearing a camouflage shirt?

-LAUGHTER

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No, my partner has a sanctuary where she gets animals

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from people who have tried to keep them, like Alice is talking about.

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Her last one came from Florida and it was a tiger

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and it was brought over to the UK.

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She keeps it in a large enclosure with plenty of space

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and it will live out the rest of its life acting as an ambassador for its species.

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-Many people come to see it and learn about it.

-It's working as an ambassador?

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-Is that like Geri Halliwell did for UNICEF?

-LAUGHTER

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I mean, I kept lots of exotic animals when I was a kid,

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-and now I let my girlfriend do it for me.

-Like what? What did you have?

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We had British wild animals -

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foxes and badgers and owls and buzzards.

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-And then rattle snakes.

-As pets?

-Yeah.

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-Where did you keep them? Were they just in your house?

-Yeah, in the bedroom.

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You had a fox in your bedroom and a badger?

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-That's amazing. Is it legal, Chris?

-Well, no.

-I'm sorry, I...

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LAUGHTER

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I love animals. I love animals.

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I have dogs, I have, you know, snakes, everything like that,

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and I treat them like they're made out of porcelain.

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They're my favourite things in the world - animals.

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It's just that when they get to weigh four times more than you do and they want to play,

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they can break you in half just playing with you.

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I don't know anybody who has a giraffe.

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-Oh, Michael Jackson had a giraffe, and look what it did to him.

-LAUGHTER

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-Hey, come on.

-APPLAUSE

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You're not trying to pin this on the giraffe are you?

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-Call it doctor all you want, but it was the giraffe.

-LAUGHTER

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OK, let's see what kind of animals wind up Chris Tarrant.

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-Oh, I hate them!

-Aaah.

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No, sorry. Parrots - I hate parrots!

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I love birds. I spend a lot of time out in the country.

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I hate...it didn't help that when I was six I was attacked by a parrot.

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-Well, that is...

-It just went "Waaark!" and attacked me.

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-You can't blame all parrots for one...

-I do!

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They don't...they don't sing, they don't talk.

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-"Did you hear what it...?" "Mwark!"

-They do talk.

-No, they do not.

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There's one in my pub, it never says a bloomin' thing.

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"Did you hear what it said? Shakespeare sonnet." No it wasn't. "Wark!"

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Pretty boy. "Bwark!" They don't!

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They can't fly, they fly a bit. They've got these horrible...

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they haven't got lovely, pretty, chirpy beaks, they've got these can openers.

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Look at them. Horrible things! And they crap...everywhere.

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Long John Silver, you never saw him from behind, did you?

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LAUGHTER

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In the pirate films, when I was a kid, I used to like the parrots better than the pirates.

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I would have made Parrots Of The Caribbean if I was going to make that.

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I just thought they were fascinating.

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If you go to a beautiful island in the Caribbean, St Lucia,

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there's signs everywhere saying, "Do not eat the parrot."

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It never crossed my mind, frankly.

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-You can't do anything with them. They are horrible.

-I think they repeat on you.

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GROANS AND LAUGHTER

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-Parrots can talk.

-Of course they can't.

-They can.

-You've got a badger in your bed.

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I am not going to argue with a man who wakes up with a Shetland pony(!)

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OK, which animals wind up Chris Packham?

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Hold on.

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There is only one animal species that I don't like

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and that is Homo sapiens, the human species.

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-What?

-We have ruined everything.

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Before you go on, is this just another sneaky way of getting Chris Moyles in?

0:15:150:15:19

LAUGHTER

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We have ruined everything.

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We had a lovely little blue planet, drifting in a solar system,

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everything was in harmony, things were evolving,

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things were becoming extinct, we were having a nice little time with dinosaurs,

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and then, all of a sudden, mammals and then hominids.

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You know, we stand upright with our opposing thumb and our bigger brain

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and then some idiot invents agriculture about 12,000 years ago

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and then another idiot comes up with medicine so we live too long.

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And, all of a sudden, you've got 6.97 billion human beings trashing the whole lot.

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APPLAUSE

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-What are you doing, you fools?

-Why are you all clapping?

0:16:050:16:08

But we are the stewards of creation.

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That's why we invented the high-viz jacket.

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LAUGHTER

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We should be living in harmony with the rest of the world and we don't do it.

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Do you know, there are more... When it comes to vertebrate animals, animals with backbones,

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there are more humans than any other species on the planet...

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-But that's because we're best, Chris.

-But we're not.

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-You're telling us we are not best?

-We're not best.

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That's...look at this.

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LAUGHTER

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You ask a chimpan...

0:16:410:16:44

Rubbish!

0:16:440:16:45

OK, this is my trump card,

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because I think there's something very magical about humanity.

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It's easy to criticise and talk about the bad things we've done to the planet,

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but I think there's also something beautiful and wondrous and magical about it.

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Here is my argument against you, Chris Packham.

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Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the human race!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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RHYTHMIC CLAPPING

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What time is it?

0:17:200:17:22

It's Chico time!

0:17:220:17:24

-Oh, come on!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:17:280:17:30

I think I win.

0:17:360:17:38

OK, so we come to the end of the animals round,

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and, you know what, I can't put human beings in

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because they're too special and wondrous and marvellous.

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I don't think it's right to put the wild animals we've kept,

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because I think you keep a snake and I'm putting you next to that man with the giraffe.

0:17:530:17:58

-And although I love parrots, you argued it with such verve, Chris.

-As you would(!)

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I am going to put parrots into Room 101.

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Bye-bye.

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Bye.

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APPLAUSE

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OK, the next category, please.

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Ah, this is the Wildcard Round because we feel we might constrain you a bit in your choices,

0:18:280:18:33

so we give you one round where you're free to pick the thing that winds you up most of all.

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So let's find out what Chris Tarrant chose.

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LAUGHTER

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All commercials on the television that try and sell me insurance.

0:18:500:18:54

They are just driving me up the wall!

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When you're a kid, I remember my dad saying, "The insurance man's coming", knock on the door,

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it's something you were afraid of or quite spooky.

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Now they are just... I don't know why,

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they just line up to make the most infuriating commercial and they use the oddest things.

0:19:070:19:11

They choose the strangest people.

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Michael Parkinson. I have huge love and respect for Michael Parkinson,

0:19:140:19:17

except he's doing some sort of commercial for...

0:19:170:19:20

basically choose your own funeral arrangements, whatever, with free pen(!)

0:19:200:19:24

LAUGHTER Michael, what are you doing?

0:19:240:19:27

It's like, "I didn't know which coffin to go for,

0:19:270:19:30

"but now I've got a free Biro, that's the one for me." What's that about?

0:19:300:19:34

In case anyone hasn't seen that,

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let's have a look at the advert of which Chris speaks.

0:19:360:19:39

I've met thousands of fascinating people

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and I have some wonderful memories,

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but if you'd like to leave your loved ones more than happy memories, you might want to look at this -

0:19:440:19:50

The Axa Sun Life Guaranteed Over-50 plan.

0:19:500:19:53

You'll receive a free Parker pen just for inquiring.

0:19:530:19:57

You're dead! Who are you going to write to?

0:19:570:20:00

LAUGHTER

0:20:000:20:02

-From the grave?

-What you want is a Papermate

0:20:020:20:05

so you can write upside down with, so you can write on the lid.

0:20:050:20:09

I'm sorry, it's just always insurance of some form or another.

0:20:090:20:13

And if it's not them, what do they use? Meerkats.

0:20:130:20:16

CHEERING No! No, not that one.

0:20:160:20:19

What's that one called? Aleksandr Orlov or something.

0:20:190:20:22

He wants to have the snip, simples.

0:20:220:20:24

He does. Gone.

0:20:250:20:27

-The meerkat had a best-selling book.

-So did Jordan! LAUGHTER

0:20:280:20:33

Yeah, but I think that the meerkat wrote more of his than she did.

0:20:330:20:37

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:20:370:20:39

OK, let's see what Chris Packham's wildcard is.

0:20:430:20:48

Children's art.

0:20:550:20:57

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:20:570:21:00

-That's terrible.

-Now, look...

-You're bad.

-You can't do that.

0:21:020:21:07

There's nothing wrong with children's art, OK?

0:21:070:21:10

It's children's art in public places,

0:21:100:21:12

and that includes pinned to the fridges of the houses that I visit

0:21:120:21:17

because that essentially becomes a public place when I visit it.

0:21:170:21:21

LAUGHTER

0:21:210:21:23

-Now, I had a friend and he was a...

-I find that hard to believe.

0:21:230:21:27

LAUGHTER

0:21:270:21:30

-Was it a weasel?

-It was past tense. It was past tense.

0:21:300:21:33

He was very, very keen on art.

0:21:360:21:38

I have a passionate interest in art myself.

0:21:380:21:41

He was an artist and I went round to his house.

0:21:410:21:43

He's had a kid and he's got some rubbish like this on the fridge.

0:21:430:21:47

-Well, I tore it up and put it in the bin.

-No!

0:21:470:21:50

-You didn't!

-I did

0:21:500:21:52

-I did.

-Chris, tell me you're exaggerating for comic effect.

0:21:520:21:56

I'm not exaggerating. William, his son,

0:21:560:21:58

had done this hideous caricature of some deformed animal or something

0:21:580:22:02

and I tore it up and put it in the bin.

0:22:020:22:05

You know, how could he be so hypocritical?

0:22:060:22:08

Obviously, yes, enjoy it, share it with the family

0:22:080:22:11

and then file it away where it can't be seen.

0:22:110:22:14

Well, look, we got some of our production team's children to draw you.

0:22:140:22:19

LAUGHTER

0:22:190:22:21

They've watched...they've watched Autumn thingy, and all that,

0:22:210:22:26

and this was what they came up with.

0:22:260:22:28

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww...

0:22:280:22:29

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:22:290:22:32

I don't know...I think Michaela Strachan has looked better.

0:22:320:22:37

-But doesn't that make you feel a bit guilty, that they've drawn a lovely Chris Packham?

-It doesn't.

0:22:380:22:43

-I'm very flattered that they've, done that, and I...

-We told them to.

0:22:430:22:47

But, nevertheless, they picked up their felt tips and they, you know,

0:22:490:22:53

inscribed a hideous caricature of myself on a piece of cheap paper.

0:22:530:22:57

-And as much as I appreciate that...

-You're a monster.

0:22:580:23:02

And as much as I appreciate that and I'm flattered by that,

0:23:020:23:05

I would take that home and I would write to the child and say thank you very much,

0:23:050:23:09

-because I would want to encourage their interest...

-You can't write with hands like that(!)

0:23:090:23:14

LAUGHTER

0:23:140:23:16

-I just wouldn't put it on the wall, that's all.

-OK.

0:23:160:23:20

I've got a bit of an itchy...

0:23:210:23:23

LAUGHTER

0:23:230:23:25

More realistic than you think.

0:23:270:23:30

OK, let's see Alice Cooper's wildcard.

0:23:330:23:36

LAUGHTER

0:23:410:23:43

I hate clowns that make animals out of balloons.

0:23:450:23:49

I hate the sound of it.

0:23:490:23:51

IMITATES SQUEAKY BALLOON

0:23:510:23:52

I was on an airplane one time when, and I don't smoke,

0:23:520:23:56

this is back when you could smoke on an airline,

0:23:560:23:59

and there'd be a kid with a balloon and I would light a cigarette and walk by and pop it.

0:23:590:24:03

LAUGHTER

0:24:030:24:05

I'm so sorry. When we get off the plane and you're in your car, I'll buy you another balloon, OK?

0:24:050:24:12

-But not on an enclosed airplane where you get...

-MAKES BALLOON NOISES

0:24:120:24:16

I can't stand the sound of a squeaky balloon.

0:24:160:24:19

In case anyone isn't familiar with the sound...

0:24:190:24:22

BALLOON SQUEAKS

0:24:220:24:23

It's not that easy to do.

0:24:250:24:26

LAUGHTER

0:24:280:24:31

Sorry. I'm Catholic. I'm not used to this.

0:24:310:24:33

I'm no big fan of the balloons at all.

0:24:370:24:39

-They're stupid-looking, aren't they? You've never seen a good-looking balloon hat.

-No.

0:24:390:24:44

I've never seen an accurate facsimile of any animal.

0:24:440:24:47

-No. That's nothing you've ever had in your bed?

-Never.

0:24:470:24:51

LAUGHTER

0:24:510:24:53

-I'm going to try one thing to win you over.

-OK.

0:24:530:24:58

Alice, I would like you to meet,

0:24:580:25:00

and please give a warm hand to Mr Graham Lee.

0:25:000:25:03

APPLAUSE

0:25:030:25:05

-Hey, Alice, guess what Graham does.

-Yeah, I was afraid of that.

0:25:130:25:17

So, Graham, can you make us a little bit of wildlife?

0:25:170:25:21

Of course I can. This is a classic of balloon modelling.

0:25:210:25:25

Here we go.

0:25:260:25:28

And it's...get hold of it like this and there we go.

0:25:280:25:32

A little swan. APPLAUSE

0:25:320:25:35

Brilliant!

0:25:350:25:37

This next one is going to win you over.

0:25:410:25:43

Graham prepared one earlier. Can you go and get it, Graham?

0:25:430:25:46

-Wait a second.

-If this one doesn't challenge...

0:25:460:25:50

APPLAUSE

0:25:520:25:54

That is brilliant. Look at that snake's face.

0:26:120:26:15

I absolutely lose. That's...how long did that take?

0:26:150:26:18

-Oh, probably about 16 hours.

-Anybody got a cigarette?

0:26:180:26:23

LAUGHTER

0:26:230:26:26

That's amazing, that really is.

0:26:280:26:29

What about a big hand for Graham Lee?

0:26:290:26:32

APPLAUSE

0:26:320:26:34

I've come to my final decision of the night.

0:26:400:26:43

Chris, I feel sorry for you, because you've argued so well all night,

0:26:430:26:48

but all the things you've chosen are just really nice things.

0:26:480:26:53

I can't put children's art in, it would just be wrong.

0:26:530:26:57

And I'm not going to put balloon animals in

0:26:570:27:01

because I love the fact that they are made by us and makes us, sort of, God-like creatures.

0:27:010:27:08

But I am, and to be honest, with some gusto,

0:27:080:27:12

-I am going to put insurance adverts into Room 101.

-Yes!

0:27:120:27:16

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:160:27:18

And that brings us to the end of the show

0:27:290:27:32

and well done, Chris, you were the most persuasive contestant tonight and you win.

0:27:320:27:37

Oh, fantastic.

0:27:370:27:39

APPLAUSE

0:27:390:27:42

And, as winner, you get to put one choice

0:27:450:27:49

completely unchallenged into Room 101. What will it be?

0:27:490:27:52

Sooty.

0:27:520:27:54

AUDIENCE BOOS

0:27:540:27:56

I can't stand Sooty.

0:27:560:27:58

40 years, it's still not an act.

0:27:580:28:01

It's just a bloke with his hand up a yellow bag.

0:28:010:28:05

Anybody could work with it - Ozzy Osbourne, Prince Charles.

0:28:060:28:12

-If Ozzy Osbourne did it, though, Sooty would be like this.

-LAUGHTER

0:28:120:28:16

-Anyway, it goes straight in, Chris.

-Good! At last! Yes!

0:28:160:28:20

Thank you very much Christ Tarrant, Chris Packham and Alice Cooper, and thank you. Goodnight.

0:28:230:28:29

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:290:28:31

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:480:28:51

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0:28:510:28:54

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