Episode 4 Room 101

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,

the show where three guests compete to get their pet hates

exiled for ever to the dark vault that is Room 101.

In each round, only one choice can make it into the dreaded room.

The final decision is mine.

Sometimes it can be difficult deciding my least favourite.

Take, for example, this category.

I mean, it would be wrong to separate them.

I think we can cram them all in.

So, let's meet the guests.

Joining me tonight are author and academic Germaine Greer,

comedian Ross Noble and pop music's very own Jamelia!

OK, let's have our first category.

Modern life. Let's see Germaine's choice.

-Computer pop-ups.

-AUDIENCE: Oh!

Ooh, the crowd.

Yes, they are a little annoying.

Exasperating. There you are, actually working on something,

and suddenly - bing! - up comes this thing, and you have to hunt around

and find the little X to get rid of it,

and then it's something else hiding underneath.

By the time you've got your screen clear again,

you've forgotten what you were doing.

The ones I hate the most are the ones that pretend to be helpful.

You write "Dear",

and up comes a pop-up that says, "Are you trying to write a letter?"

Isn't one of the worst sounds in the world...?

MICROSOFT WINDOWS ERROR NOISE

Oh. It's like life stops for a second.

What I'd really like to know about computers is this.

Is it just my computer,

or do you get things listed in your favourites

that aren't your favourites?

There's all my things, which are all, you know, football and, um,

Russian literature...

And then I'll get stuff like Radio Station Guide.

When I die, someone will look at my favourites and say "What kind of man was this?"

That says a lot about what you think your funeral will be like.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today -

"right, we've got his hard drive. Let's have a look."

I hope they go through favourites rather than history.

LAUGHTER

-Do you ever google yourself, Germaine?

-No, never.

So you've never googled yourself? You must google yourself.

On an almost hourly basis.

-You have?

-Yeah.

It really kind of scared me.

There was a killer in America

whose name was Jamelia something-or-other,

and she'd done a really bad crime...

So many killers have.

LAUGHTER

OK, what is Ross Noble's choice?

-Health and safety.

-Oh, God.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Health and safety in all its many forms.

I know there'll be do-gooders that say,

"But come on, we don't want people being injured

"and it's there to help."

No, the reason we have danger is to get rid of idiots.

These signs, my thing that I like to do is,

I get those in the supermarket

and I walk along and land on them and I lie on the floor, going,

"Aaagh! Some idiot left a big yellow sign."

God's honest truth, right,

in Afghanistan, right, Camp Bastion,

in Afghanistan, on the base,

the guys over there who wear full camouflage, full, proper camouflage,

at night, for safety reasons,

have to wear high-vis sashes.

It's a war zone, and you're wearing camouflage!

Camouflage and high-vis are two ends of the spectrum,

and we're getting soldiers to wear high-vis in a war zone? No!

LAUGHTER

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Here's an example. This is from Barking, right?

Don't say it.

They've decided in Barking, it was quite a wide pavement,

so they thought they'd put yellow lines down

to give people guidance on where to walk.

LAUGHTER

This woman is dicing with death.

She's about to reach out of the zone into the post-box zone.

I also like the fact that there's a trapdoor in front of her.

Even in schools now,

they're not allowed - well, they're allowed to play conkers

if they wear the goggles. I'm not joking. I have two daughters,

and they're not allowed to bring skipping ropes to school,

because they're dangerous.

-You're kidding me?

-No. They are not allowed to skip.

To be fair, though, as a child,

I was tied to many trees with skipping ropes.

And also, I think what's happened

is that the headmaster has googled you

and thought, "The mum's a strangler..."

OK, so, that is Ross's choice.

Let's see what Jamelia doesn't like about modern life.

Oh!

-Can you actually read that?

-This is exactly my problem.

I hate text speak.

I hate "LOL" and all of that,

because I feel as if I'm decoding something.

I didn't go to school for so many years to communicate in this way.

It really irritates me.

-But it's the future.

-It's not the future.

It is. The language is changing. In ten years' time,

people on Countdown will say,

"Consonant, consonant, consonant, consonant, consonant, consonant".

That'll be it.

-In ten years' time, Countdown probably won't exist and...

-Whoa!

LAUGHTER

If anyone just tunes in and hears that, they'll be horrified.

Well, nobody will know how to spell.

This is going to become the norm,

so we have to put it in Room 101 as soon as possible. We do!

CHEERING

Can I ask you a personal question?

I've heard that some parents are anti this because the kids use it

and because the parents don't understand it,

the kids can have secret conversations

and the parents can't work it out. Is that right?

Well, my kids aren't old enough for texting.

I mean, they can, but they're not old enough for this.

I am strongly against it, like, they won't be...

I'm the leader of my house, and I will be seeing all text messages.

-I'll be seeing every message you ever send.

-What?

As a parent, I need to be a spy. I'm going to be a spy.

I am.

-I'm going to know everything you do before you even do it.

-What, me?

LAUGHTER

Have you just adopted Frank?

Yeah, we're keeping it hush-hush at the moment. The paperwork's still going through.

I just love saying, "This is my mum". "Isn't she a murderer?"

"No, it wasn't her."

I honestly do like it.

I think it's shorter and quicker.

I start all my prayers now "OMG."

-I've got one more thing.

-Oh, sorry.

-I'm very passionate about this.

Even in e-mails, I'm now starting to get this text speak.

You know, I'm a businesswoman. Give me proper words.

-Are you a businesswoman?

-I am a businesswoman.

-What are you selling?

Myself - in a good way!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Can I just say - OMG.

Can I just say WTF?

OK. At the end of this, I must admit, I hate computer pop-ups.

And I hate health and safety.

But Jamelia argues her case so strongly,

even though I really like text speak,

I cannot argue with the woman,

so I'm going to put text speak into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

Right, then, let's have our next category.

It's people.

Let's see what people wind up Ross Noble.

What this is is, um, cycling commuters.

Now, just whoa there.

Not all cycling commuters.

But there's certain cyclists

that think that because they're saving the planet

and all pandas are living because they're doing a bit of pedalling,

it's all right for them to go straight through red lights

and break the law. Oh, yeah.

By that rationale...

Are they clapping the going through the red lights?

I think they might be, yeah.

I like the ones that have a bike and they haven't got a helmet on,

and the bike's not particularly well maintained,

and they're just riding around, taking risks.

-I don't mind that.

-Dangerous ones are all right.

-Exactly.

I don't mind the ones that are risking themselves.

But the ones that have got the light mounted

like a flashing Teletubby...

Or a Teletubby that's flashing, I don't mean Tinky Winky giving it...

-No.

-That would be very disturbing. "Eh-oh!"

What we should have is, at every traffic light, a sniper.

LAUGHTER AND SCATTERED APPLAUSE

You lot are really worrying me now.

"Let's kill people!"

You could lead this lot out onto the street,

holding up flaming torches.

Just find the nearest cyclist and drag them down.

-But you cycle, don't you?

-I do, yeah.

But I cycle in the woods and in the fields,

or on a mountain bike.

I do cycle and I like cycling,

but it's just the - recumbent bikes. Have you seen these?

If you don't know what a recumbent bike is, we have a picture of one.

There. I mean, it's handy,

because you're already in the coffin position.

When you die - straight in the back of the hearse.

Just a wrap, that's all you need.

Put a cat flap on the back of the coffin.

I must admit, I am very tempted by the recumbent bike.

If I was going on one of those, I'd start to think at myself,

"How small a dog could I pass under?"

If it was a soaking wet Afghan hound,

it'd be like going through a car-wash.

Lovely fringes of silky fur.

We've got a clip of someone cycling in the countryside.

It doesn't look that idyllic to me.

LAUGHTER

You see?

That there is exactly what we need, an antelope on every junction.

A giant antelope at every single junction.

Fair enough. I feel you've made your point.

What kind of people wind up Jamelia?

This represents, um, smelly people. Now...

LAUGHTER

That's just cruel.

No, I'll tell you. To me, smelly people are very inconsiderate.

And they're also the most...

I don't know, they want to get close to you.

People with smelly breath always talk.

It's a kind of like their rule.

"I haven't brushed my teeth, so I'm going to talk right in your face."

Yeah, they all do that breathing thing.

Yeah, but it's inconsiderate. It's mean, and I just think it's...

I've got a very sensitive nose, and I think it's unfair. I have.

I can smell people, and I think...

Have we got any in tonight, would you say?

I find, if there's anyone at home

who thinks they might have a body odour problem,

I think when people are dry retching...

That's the first thing to look out for.

I've got to say,

there's something I find uneasy about the smelly people thing,

because I think a lot of them don't know and they're not told by people,

-so it's not their fault.

-There is no excuse.

As far as I'm concerned, if you're wearing clothes,

you can afford deodorant. Simple as that.

That's a fabulous maxim you've come up with.

There are answers.

This is not a joke thing, this is an actual American product

which was produced for this very problem.

Are used suffering from pungent pits? Foul feet?

Beastly butt odour?

How do you stop the stink?

Hi, I'm Adam Jay, and this is Doc Bottoms' A Spray.

A Spray your butt, A Spray your feet, A Spray under your arms.

You can even A Spray your privates.

A Spray is safe for all your odour zones.

Call right now before you stink up the place.

That is the greatest invention, I'm sorry.

The cleavage surprised me.

You never hear anyone say,

"She's a nice girl, but her cleavage..."

LAUGHTER

OK, I think that's a very good point,

so what kind of people annoy Germaine?

The people who annoy me are "ac-tors".

One of the problems about them, you see,

and it's interesting this should be poor old Hamlet,

because it doesn't matter how dim an actor is,

he always thinks he has a Hamlet in him,

and it's going to be different from everybody else's Hamlet.

I can remember one Hamlet who actually took all his clothes off,

and got himself flogged on stage, he had so little faith in the play

and so little modesty himself.

And actors always think that people are interested in them,

and that they are interesting and they're really not.

I have done a bit of acting myself, though,

and I am, I think you'll agree, fascinating.

Yes, but not because you're an actor,

you're fascinating because you're you.

You've so upped your chances of winning this round.

We had to put up with all that Hugh Grant carry on

-during the Murdoch carry on, remember that?

-Yes.

And he would say incredible things like,

that he was having to check his car every day

to see if there was a bug in his car,

and no-one ever said, "Hugh, dear, was there ever a bug in your car?"

No. Apparently there was a woman looking under the dashboard for one.

LAUGHTER

I've heard actors say some funny and interesting things.

-I mean, I wrote them.

-Usually written by other people.

Why is my morning news programme

messed up with actors who have to come tottering on

and talk some kind of connected sense

about what they're doing at the moment,

and everyone appears to be so interested.

It's not interesting.

You hear me?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Stop watching it then!

Well, I'm waiting for the next bit of news, I don't have very much choice.

It's that or GMTV.

LAUGHTER

Forgot to mention Kate Winslet is in.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, now it comes to my decision.

I'm not going to let smelly people in.

It feels a bit cruel and unkind.

And I know there are some dodgy cyclists, but I think most cyclists

are basically saving the planet - good, courageous people.

LAUGHTER AND BOOING

I'm going to put actors into Room 101.

CHEERS AND BOOS

Anyway, let's move on to the next category.

OK, we now come to the wildcard round,

and in this one there are no holds barred, you can pick anything

at all you don't like without the restraints of the usual categories.

So let's see what Jamelia's wild card is.

My wild card is mornings.

Mornings?

I want to know who decided

that everything has to start in the morning.

Why...?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Why can our day not start at 12, or at least 11?

There'll be students at home thinking,

"What's she talking about?"

They'll be googling "morning".

I'm a mother of two, and they go to school,

and every morning we have to get up about half six or seven,

and it's horrible.

Who decided that school has to start at 9 o'clock?

Why can't it start at 11?

Can we not try it out? Who do I talk to?

LAUGHTER

I don't know the answer.

It's no good getting on to me about it,

I don't know who made it that way.

Does anyone like waking up?

I do, if I know I've got a Cumberland sausage in the fridge.

Honestly, that will get me out of bed. You know a Cumberland?

Have you ever heated one in a microwave?

-Don't they straighten?

-No, I tell you what it's like...

I've heard they uncoil in the microwave.

They come up like a cobra.

I had an alarm clock, it was sort of a lamp alarm clock thing,

and it was a football, and it was activated by sound,

so if you woke up in the night, you could go like this

and the light would come on and it was brilliant.

Unfortunately, if you...

broke wind with any kind of rigour,

the light would come on, which always felt like a reprimand.

LAUGHTER

OK, let's have a look at Germaine's choice.

It might be difficult to tell, but this is a fun run.

You don't want to put fun runs into Room 101?

I do.

I'm really fed up with them.

I'm fed up with them because, first of all, I'm meant to like them.

They are so worthy and so noble,

and the people are all being so self-sacrificing,

and it's supposed to be fun,

that's the other thing, and all I can see is misery.

I can see people really abusing their bodies.

For charity, which I'm not really keen on either. I really feel...

Let's go the whole way and put charity into Room 101.

I've tried in the past,

however, but that's another thing.

What really gets me is,

you see people doing things that are really stupid,

like running along loaded down with heavy things,

taking hours and days to get to the finishing line,

wrecking their own health, destroying their joints.

They're all going to need attention later on

and become a burden on the health service,

but it's really the worthiness of it.

Also, I'm sick of them.

There are so many of them. Enough, we've had enough fun runs.

They're wrongly-named, they're misery runs.

They're dangerous, and why don't you just write a cheque?

LAUGHTER

I know what you mean about the misuse of the word fun.

Anyone who's ever been glassed in a fun pub will know

that you can't impose fun on anyone.

It's like "fun-size"?

A fun-size chocolate bar is a smaller chocolate bar

than a normal one.

So that means our economy is now more fun than it used to be.

What I love about when you watch the Great North Run

and the London Marathon

is you've got some little Kenyan guy with no shoes on up the front,

and he's just running like mad,

and that in itself, but I love to watch him

and imagine all the people dressed as rhinos and turtles are after him.

There's rhinos and Honey Monsters going, "Kill him!"

OK, fun runs. And finally, what is Ross Noble's wild-card choice?

Folk dancing.

Folk dancing?

Folk dancing.

You know, I travel quite a lot, and it just seems wherever you go,

you're just trying to relax and have a nice time,

and the next thing you know, and it's the words that just strike

fear into my heart, "Oh, you're lucky, any minute now

"there'll be a display of local dancing."

LAUGHTER

Usually it's rubbish as well.

Especially, and I know I'm in a dodgy area,

but if you go to Africa,

and I know it's meant to be this deeply cultural thing,

and you have local dancing,

but I swear they've just changed out of their tracksuits,

put on a coconut bra.

And that's not dancing.

-Do they have coconuts in Africa?

-No, they don't.

That is what aroused my suspicion.

LAUGHTER

It doesn't matter where you go in the world,

it's just the same arsing about with different pants on.

Or no pants at all sometimes.

Well, on a good day.

Now, I really disagree with you on this.

I think that folk dancing is a link to an ancient world

that's been steamrollered by industrialisation.

No.

I do, when I see the Morris dancers,

there's something fabulously pagan and exciting about it.

I take your point, and I raise you five geography teachers

with a pig's bladder on a stick.

-I love it!

-# Oh, hey nonny no, with a hey nonny no... #

No, I love that!

It doesn't matter who's doing it, it's what it represents.

The original Morris dancers were like the bad boys.

They were courageous figures.

You take the maypole, it's brilliant.

I love maypole dancing.

It's like swingball, but instead of a ball they use villagers.

LAUGHTER

I love it.

In England, there's something real about it

and it doesn't have all that plasticness of the 21st century.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yes!

-Thanks.

-And also...

-Woah, woah, woah!

Some Morris dancers have clearly got in.

I don't like it. If I hear jingling, I'm coming up there.

I really, really disagree with you, Ross.

I think you have this image of folk dancing

as something that's frozen and doesn't change and doesn't evolve.

But in fact, it can be modernised.

I'll give you a fabulous example, this might change your mind.

I'd ask you, ladies and gentlemen,

to welcome the sensational Time Gentlemen, Please Dancers.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

I rest my case.

The whole time I was sat there I was just ready for one of them

to drag me up,

"Hey, come on, join in".

And then sell me some local produce.

LAUGHTER

I am not going to put folk-dancing into Room 101. Over my dead body.

I'm a bit torn with the other two.

Go on, give it to your mum again.

You're right.

You're right, I'll go with my mum and put mornings into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

And that brings us to the end of the show.

Well done, Jamelia, you were the most persuasive guest tonight,

and you are the winner.

APPLAUSE

And as winner, you get to put one choice unchallenged into Room 101.

What will that be?

I would like to put in silent letters.

I don't get the point of them.

My daughter, she's five, and I'm teaching her spelling,

and...knee.

"Mummy, why is there a K? Why is it not ker-nee?"

It would make life a lot easier for me

if silent letters would go into Room 101.

OK.

It's the sort of thing you find in textspeak,

-the loss of silent letters.

-True.

Anyway, in it goes!

Thank you very much, Ross, Jamelia and Germaine.

And thank you. Goodnight!

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd