Episode 5 Room 101

Hello. I am Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,

the show where three guests will be vying to have their pet hates

and peeves forever consigned to the dark, desolate wasteland that is Room 101.

Our guests' choices have been sorted into categories,

but there's only enough space in the Room for one of them at a time. In other words,

I have to choose what I think is the worst from every category,

and I've been practising this, looking at categories and trying to decide what is the worst one.

Let's try one for an example.

That's too obvious, isn't it? So let's meet the guests.

Joining me tonight are man of a thousand voices,

Alistair McGowan, from Dragon's Den, Hilary Devey

and American crooner and heartthrob, Josh Groban.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, would you say that you're negative people?

Do you know, 20 years ago I used to watch One Foot In The Grave

and watch Victor Meldrew and I used to think, I am never going to be like that.

And now, every day I'm looking out of my window going,

"How dare you drop that piece of litter out there, you disgraceful child!"

OK, anyway, let's begin. Let's have our first category.

People. We'll start with a nice broad one, shall we?

So let's find out what kind of people wind up Alistair.

No!

-Children.

-What?!

-Children.

-What?!

I'm sorry, children used to be seen but not heard, and now they're seen,

they're heard, they're bowed down to, they're pampered,

they're driven to school, they're driven here,

they're driven everywhere. And, you know,

they've just taken all the power. Everybody bows down to them,

they've become like little gods to their parents.

And also, on this planet, we've just heard this year

that we've got seven billion people in our population.

We can't sustain it and I think there should be a moratoria on children.

APPLAUSE

Are you suggesting some sort of cull?

-I wouldn't put it that...yes.

-OK.

It's just the way that, you know, children,

they ruin every train journey you're on, there's always a screaming child.

If you go out to a restaurant, chances are there's screaming children running around.

You're sitting in your garden in the sun, three doors down there's children killing each other.

But surely, surely children killing each other is your dream?

-They're only pretending though, Frank.

-Oh, I see.

I don't know, isn't it kind of the parents that's the problem, though, from what you're saying?

To a point, although when parents have children,

I'm sure we all have friends who've done this, they say they want to have children,

they're worried about when to have them. It becomes such a part of the relationship,

when are they going to have it, have they gone too far? Is it too late?

Then the children come and they spend all their time moaning.

The children are keeping them awake at night, or they're teething.

Now they're going to school and he's worried about it, now he's being bullied, now he's bullyING.

Now we're worried about his A-levels, he's not working hard, or he's called a swot.

He's gone to university, he's left us, we miss him.

And you think, when...

APPLAUSE

When is it ever good? I don't see when the good time is.

But children say the funniest things, Alistair.

And I tell you what, I for one can't forgive them for that.

So let's see what kind of people wind Hilary up.

LAUGHTER

-I think you need to explain.

-Well, it's football fans,

i.e. scarves hanging out of car windows on motorways,

because I think it provokes car rage.

I think it provokes bad driving and I think it provokes violence.

-Violence?

-Yes.

Are you anti scarf?

-No.

-You see, I'd say that football is one of the places

where scarves are truly appreciated.

Yeah, and it's a game, not a religion.

It's a very fine line, Hilary.

Are you all right with singing? Singing can be quite confrontational.

I'm OK with singing, I'm just not happy with some of the violence

that's created by the memorabilia of football.

You support Arsenal, don't you? Fool.

LAUGHTER

No. I support a team called West Bromwich Albion, Hilary.

-Oh, really?

-Do you know anything about football in general?

Other than that there's a ball and a green field.

Well, West Brom are one of the top teams in England.

They won the European Cup last year.

-LAUGHTER

-I think there's a lot of love and community now in the game.

-Do you?

-Yeah. There's a very famous folk singer called Martin Carthy,

and he said to me that football is one of the few places where singing,

like community singing and folk singing, really still exists.

-Well, what about church?

-Yeah, but they never make it up at church.

There's very few improvised hymns going on in church.

# Jes-u-us! Jes-u-us! #

I mean they don't, no, they don't like it.

# You're supposed to be in Rome You're supposed... #

Anyway, let's find out what Josh, what kind of people wind Josh up.

I have to say, Josh, I'm really hoping it isn't

those hairy kids that you get in South America.

-No, it's not the wolf boys, no, it's not them.

-Oh, OK.

I have a real problem with pet owners who dress up and take care

of their pets as if they're little children or little people.

I think that sometimes it gets a little out of control.

Look, I love animals, I love my dog very, very much,

but I think there are times when I think it just makes

the animal really, you know, hate life. And...

And so that's when I think shame on that person, yeah.

-Really?

-I think shame on you.

-OK, then.

I've got two little baby Yorkies. You know, if I send them out

without their polo neck sweaters on in this winter,

they'd freeze to death, they'd die of pneumonia.

It's not the sweater in the winter I have a problem with. It's the high-heeled shoes you put on them.

It's the costumes, it's the...

You know, I tried to put like a reindeer antler on my dog once

for Christmas and he like, he had, I had a second and a half

of picture-taking opportunity and then he just slapped it off his head

and gave me the stink-eye.

Well, I must say, I'm not really with you on this.

I love, I think animals dressed up is a really funny thing.

This bulldog looks to me like he absolutely loves being dressed up.

-He's merely a sidekick. I mean, come on.

-LAUGHTER

Now I would say this cat looks less happy.

Can I show you my favourite ever YouTube clip?

This is, well, I'm not even going to say what it is.

-This is just my favourite YouTube clip.

-OK.

I love you.

"I love you."

I love you.

-MAKES NOISE

-I love you. I love you.

"I love you."

Good girl.

HOWLS

APPLAUSE

Finally, a scream of anguish at the end, you know.

I like it when he, when he can't quite do them.

When she's going "I love you" and it goes "Uhhh-ug".

We've all had that. You try and say I love you and you can't get it out.

-You can't get it out.

-It sticks in the throat.

-That's true.

-"I lo-o....uh."

Well, I think the time has come for me to decide

what's going to go into the Room 101 for this category.

Hmm, I have to say that my first port of call

is I can't possibly let dogs treated as humans go in.

-It's one of my favourite things.

-It's a joy for you.

Hilary, no I can't put football fans and all that into Room 101,

I'm sorry about that.

And I can't believe I'm in a position

where I'm going to end up giving in to a man who wants to put children into Room 101,

but Alistair wins this one.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

(Sorry.)

Anyway, let's move on to the next category.

Going Out. So, Hilary, let's find out what you hate about going out.

I'm really hoping it's not Native American communication systems.

Let's see.

-I want to ban the ban.

-You want to ban the smoking ban?

-Yes.

Well, you go out, you go to a function on Park Lane,

the Grosvenor or whatever, and all of a sudden half the room empties,

and you think where have they all gone?

And they're all on Park Lane in evening gowns and dickie bows and dinner jackets.

So I just think we look like a nation of rent boys and call girls.

Yes. Well, I've had some terrible confusion with that, I must say.

One thing I really like about the smoking ban,

it's a great way to judge a pub, because you don't have to go in.

And it's usually the dodgiest people are the smokers

and there they are. It's like shops that put their stuff outside,

you know, you're thinking, no, I'm not going in there.

I'll say one thing on you, I'm allergic to cats

and if I have ever asked anyone to put the cat outside, cos I'm there,

they get very, very angry and upset about it and won't do it.

And what I do, I wait till the person's left the room and then I Scotchgard it.

-LAUGHTER

-It's so funny, Frank,

I was married to a guy and he told me after we'd got married,

and I love animals, I've got dogs in Marrakesh, where I've got a home,

I've got dogs in Spain, where I've got a home, I've got dogs in the UK where I've got two homes...

What you've got more than anything, Hilary, is homes.

-Yeah, I know.

-It's a good job you don't keep pigeons,

they'd be terribly confused.

He told me after we got married that he was allergic to animals.

So what did you do?

Well, we subsequently got divorced.

-What, on the strength of that?

-Well, that and football, yeah.

Are all your choices based on your ex-husband, by any chance?

OK, let's see what Alistair doesn't like about going out.

-Children.

-Children!

The pint of beer.

Can I say, someone in the crowd actually gasped then.

Did you hear it?

They were OK with children, but now you've gone too far.

LAUGHTER

No, this, you know, it's the ultimate symbol of Britishness.

I'm sure that explains the gasps. It's the ultimate symbol of manhood.

When you're 16, 17, you have your first pint of beer, you're a man.

And then you remain a man for the rest of your life by drinking beer.

And it tastes horrible, it smells horrible,

it makes people who drink it taste and smell horrible.

You know, people say they've got to have a pint to have a good time.

We've all heard those people who come back and say,

STOKE ACCENT: "Oh, we had a great night last night, went to 15 places

"and had ten pints. I got legless. Legless.

"I can't remember a thing about it." You know what Adrian Chiles is like.

And you think, what sort of a night out is that,

-when you can't remember it?

-But if you get rid of beer,

how are ugly people going to have sex?

LAUGHTER

Well, I don't know, I used to drink a lot of beer, and then I stopped drinking,

and one of the difficult things I found

is I had to start restricting conversation

to things that I knew something about.

And I found that very limiting, I must say.

I remember being in Italy on holiday,

and seeing these two blokes, you know, maybe 18, 19,

having ice creams at 11 o'clock at night. Ice creams outdoors,

and they were going on to have another ice cream somewhere else.

And you think, I would quite fancy that sort of bar crawl,

having an ice cream everywhere, but...

I'd love to go down the ice cream pub, that'd be great.

-"What's happening tonight?" "It's the yard of vanilla competition."

-LAUGHTER

The drowning your sorrows thing, I remember doing that,

you split up with your girlfriend, you go to the pub,

you sit at the end and drink about seven or eight pints on your own, staring into your beer glass.

-And feel a lot better?

-Well...

-Wake up the next morning and she's still gone.

-She is still gone,

but imagine being at the end of the bar on your ninth tub of ice cream.

LAUGHTER

Or, you're in Starbucks,

and you're drowning your sorrows at the end on espresso

and someone says, "I hear your girlfriend left you, Frank."

"Yeah, she did! And, I'm very unhappy about it!"

Let's find out what Josh doesn't like about going out.

You don't like Isambard Kingdom Brunel?

LAUGHTER

Yeah, I'm a little bit turned off by the whole kind of exclusive

ten guys in the front with black gloves, bodyguard, bouncer,

night club experience.

Oh.

I've found it to become annoying for a lot of different reasons.

I don't like how I feel when I'm trying to get in,

I don't like how I feel when I'm inside.

I think everybody else is having a better time than me.

I'm a terrible dancer, it's just altogether anxiety-inducing for me.

-I'm a terrible dancer.

-Are you?

I think it's good for terrible dancers.

-Really?

-Because it's quite dark and crowded in there.

The top of me dances quite well, the legs are all over the place.

You should go to foam parties, you can dance as badly as you like

-and no one knows.

-Really? Oh.

-You just whip up a lather there.

You see, I've got to get in first. I always have trouble getting in.

You see, there is something about my face

that makes bouncers say, "No, thank you."

I'll watch, you know, the latest cast-off from Big Brother

walk in with 20 of his friends, no problem, and I'll show up

and be like, "Hey, I just played the arena down the street,

"it's just me, can I come in and sit by the bar and have a drink?

"A round of drinks for everybody."

And they say, "You should stop touching me now."

I'm like, "Oh, OK. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

It just feels like more pain than it's worth.

-Can I ask how old you are, Josh?

-I'm 30 years old.

Do you think it's just because you're getting a little old?

This has happened my entire life. This happened when I had a fake ID.

-Yes.

-I remember getting to a point

where I thought, "I am getting too old now for night clubs."

I found that I'd started to clap along with the music.

And I thought, no, no, I really have to stop coming.

There used to be a TV show on in the UK, late night,

called, The Hitman And Her.

And it was Pete Waterman. Do you know who that is?

-He worked a lot with Kylie Minogue.

-Yeah, yeah.

And he used to visit nightclubs, do you remember this show?

It was all over the country,

and it wasn't a great advert for nightclubs, I must say.

We're in Halifax having a belter of a time!

Hello, I'm Ghostbuster.

I'd like to welcome you to Halifax, to the Coliseum.

It's a very special nightclub to me, because it's the nightclub that

I got noticed on The Hitman and Her on the Showing Out competition.

It's brought me very many happy memories

and I'm enjoying my dancing. So keep dancing and enjoy it. Thank you.

I've been sitting here thinking where's that club?

Those are my people.

OK, so let me see.

Well, I can't put nightclubs in, Josh,

I mean, I know you've had bad times there,

but so many people have such great, great times there.

Now that you've shown me that nightclub,

I've changed my whole view of them.

I knew that would win you over.

And, Alistair, although you argued your case very, very well,

I have such happy memories of beer

and I still hope that in later life I'll be able to return there.

And I see it as something to fall back on, and indeed forward.

But, Hilary, I have to say,

you argued the smoking ban very well and maybe

it's about time that we did all just lighten up and light up, indeed.

So, yes, so I'm going to put the smoking ban in Room 101.

OK, we come now to that which we call...

The Wildcard Round, because we don't want to keep

narrowing your hatred and the things that you don't like.

We want to give you a completely wide open field.

You can pick the thing that really gets your goat.

Hilary has chosen this.

It's Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day.

I hate Valentine's Day.

-Really?

-Hmm.

Well, we don't even know if there was a Saint Valentine, do we?

No, but does it matter now? Just, it's a lovely way, isn't it?

Well, yes, it does, because why should you have to wait for that day

to receive a card or a bouquet of flowers? Why?

You don't have to, but I find when you're in a long-term relationship,

it's good to have, it's like mistletoe,

at least once a year you want to kind of touch base.

LAUGHTER

Otherwise, it can go three, four, five years

and you realise there's been no contact at all.

It could have something to do with the fact

that I've never sent or received a Valentine's card.

-You have never received... I don't believe that!

-Oh no, Hilary.

-No.

Well, I see, so it's based

not so much on dislike as profound bitterness.

LAUGHTER

I have this thing if I write a card,

I suppose because I'm a professional comic,

if I write a card or I sign someone's plaster-cast,

or I write in a visitor's book,

I always feel incredible pressure

to write something absolutely brilliant and hilarious,

and I just can't do it.

And I end up, in a visitor's book I once wrote,

"I can't think of anything funny."

I actually wrote that, and signed it "Ricky Gervais."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Here's a gift, this is one of the most intimate,

loving gifts, I think you could ever have.

This is what they call "The Lovers' Toilet."

Oh no!

LAUGHTER

Now, there is a kind of a modesty wall between,

but the fact that you can sit and chat.

I mean I would like that to be a bit wider in the middle,

maybe room for a cribbage board.

Let's find out what Alistair has chosen as a wildcard.

The tattoo.

When I was a kid growing up in the Vale of Evesham in the 1970s,

nobody really had tattoos except people who worked on fairgrounds,

Popeye and this bloke from Redditch that everyone kept away from.

Now, thanks to one man, they've become really fashionable,

and that man, sadly, is my old mate, David Beckham,

who had so many tattoos and then everyone said, "Oh, you know,

"we want to be like David. As we can't play football very well

"and can't marry a beautiful lady, we'll have tattoos all over us."

And, I think they're utterly, utterly hideous.

Well, we should have a look at David Beckham, since you've mentioned it.

You see, I think they are beautiful.

But Beckham is a beautiful man with a fabulous body.

Why does he need to spoil it by putting all that stuff on it?

Well, is he spoiling or is he enhancing?

There are practical purposes, I should say, for tattoos.

One of my favourites, have you seen the mock stockings?

Mockings, I think they call them, where they tattoo,

I think we have a picture of a lady with tattooed legs.

No, but doesn't that, I think that looks brilliant.

I've actually had some swimming trunks tattooed on.

And I've been to the baths four or five times

and no one's picked up on it yet.

I'm going to show you a few tattoos which I think are a defence.

Really classy.

This is an EastEnders fan,

and I think this is a really good piece of art.

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

That's Pam St Clement, but that is a very good likeness, you...

He just looks like he's been butchered, to me.

Butchered?!

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

Yeah, that is the forearm of this lady,

who brilliantly also has a Pam St Clement face.

LAUGHTER

-I have a fan who has one of those of me on her arm.

-Of you?

Yeah. I saw it backstage at a TV show, she showed, rolled up her arm

and showed me, like a pencil sketching of my face on her arm.

All I could think of, because you've got to say something nice,

because it's permanent,

all I could think of was, if I decide to stop singing or retire,

what facial hair could she put on it to make it someone else.

Like a moustache or something.

But then she made me sign it and she tattooed the signature too.

And that tattoo is the constant whiplash

of continuing to have a career, so that her tattoo in America

-can continue to be relevant.

-Right.

-It's like a modern Dorian Gray.

-Yeah, pretty much.

That's a beautiful motivation.

If I dated her, I would have to look lovingly into my own eyes.

It would be terrifying.

That is my IDEAL woman.

Right, yeah, right.

Let's find out what Josh has chosen as his wildcard.

Ah...

Um, I, er...

Auto-tune.

Auto-tune!

-Yeah.

-I get you.

So, now in case people here don't know what auto-tuning is,

can you just briefly explain what it is.

It's kind of an engineering term for when somebody can't sing,

either live or in the studio, they're able to put

their voice through a computer and basically with one push of a button,

it puts all of the notes they were trying to hit out of the speakers,

and they can essentially sing even if they can't sing.

And it's cheating, it's cheating.

I've got good eyesight, I don't see why you should wear glasses.

LAUGHTER

I think it's a bit like asking a painter to paint by numbers.

And it used to be that people knew what auto-tunes sounded like,

they would hear, you know, T-Pain or they would hear,

Cher, Cher was trying to sound auto-tune, that's part of the track.

Well, let's listen. This is the first example I'd heard of auto-tune

when it goes...

# Do you believe in life after love

# I can feel something inside me say... #

I love that, it's a sort of Lady Gargle.

LAUGHTER

I really like it too. When you're doing it on purpose for an effect,

I'm not a prude, I love electronic music

and when you do it like that it's really cool-sounding.

It's when people are doing it sneakily,

when you think they're singing well and they actually aren't.

Isn't it democracy though, Josh? It's all right for you, God has gifted you with a good voice.

What about someone like me?

It doesn't work for classical singing,

which is probably for my benefit

-because I've got a big vibrato...

-I've heard that!

-Yeah!

LAUGHTER

It's huge.

And it kind of just sounds too weird when I do it, it kind of...

-HE WARBLES

-It's like that.

Do you know who Katy Price is?

Yes I do, as a matter of fact, yes.

Yes, she is probably our most beautiful lady.

Formerly...

LAUGHTER

-Oh, I meant that.

-Didn't she have another name?

-She did, but we don't mention that any more.

-Oh, OK.

-That's when she was a bit common.

-Got you!

And she, she has been accused of using auto-tune, not in that sort of

electric way, like T-Pain, but just to make her sound like she can sing.

I'm not saying it's true, but this is a little bit

-of Katy Price maybe singing, maybe being helped a little bit.

-Right.

# I'm not just anybody

# Cos anybody couldn't love you like this

# I know that everybody that feels it like me

# Would love you like this

OK, now it sounds beautiful, it could be her,

but there is one bit of this video which

I don't think it does sound like it is her, see what you think.

DOG HOWLS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, well, we've come to the end of that category

and I was very unsure,

I thought Valentine's Day was argued very well,

as was tattoos, but I have to put auto-tune into Room 101.

All right.

That brings us to the end of the show

and although you've all done brilliantly well,

I must say, Alistair, you were tonight's most persuasive guest

and thus this week's winner.

So, as tonight's winner, you get to choose one completely

unchallenged thing to go into Room 101.

OK. It is then, these.

In a world where you can have 10,000 songs on an iPod

and someone can invent that, why can't they invent some ear phones

that people can put in so the person who wants to hear the music can

and those that don't, don't?

Well, yes.

Well, congratulations, Alistair,

and of course those little ear phones

go straight into Room 101.

Well, thank you very much, Alistair, Josh and Hilary, and goodnight.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd