Episode 8 Room 101

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello. I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,

the show where three guests explain what really winds them up,

in the hope that I'll condemn said things to the grim environs of Room 101.

Our guest choices have been sorted into categories and in

each round only one item can be chosen, the final decision is mine.

Joining me tonight are Labour Party legend John Prescott,

comic Micky Flanagan and actress Rebecca Front.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, let's get the ball rolling, let's have our first category.

It's Film and Television, and let's have a look at Rebecca's choice.

WHIRRING

It's audience participation.

Ah.

AUDIENCE: Boo!

Oh. Boy, I'm really popular here!

That's a very fine example, right there.

When you're in the audience of a show and you're settling down

and just at that point when they say, I need a volunteer from the audience,

I'm always that one who

sinks down into my chair and thinks, "They won't notice me, it'll be fine."

But, of course, they're like dogs, these audience participation people, they smell fear.

So the more you sink down into your chair...

I don't think it's fear, is it, that dogs smell?

So the more you sit there and try and be invisible, the more likely you are to get picked.

And it's always me, always me.

-So have you been called up on stage?

-Oh, loads of times. Honestly.

There was a time when Al Murray and I took our respective families

to a circus, and we both got pulled up on stage, by clowns.

And it was hideous.

He was trying to get us to enact some drama in which Al had to

be a cowboy and had to shoot me and I was some floozy in a feather boa

and I don't know what it was all about, I didn't understand it.

And so at a given point he handed Al this pistol and Al sort of went bang,

and then he looked at me, this clown, and kind of went, "Urgh, urgh!"

So I thought, OK, I'm meant to die at this point.

So I fell off the chair into the sawdust, which went all over my nice cardigan.

-Oh, no.

-And at that point... Thank you for your sympathy!

-That's all right!

I noticed my son, who at that stage was about,

was a toddler, suddenly looking at us thinking,

we came here to have a nice time and Uncle Al's just shot Mummy.

You know, it was all wrong, it was a bad idea.

I like it when the clowns run at you with the bucket of water and it's just glitter. That's great.

No, it's not.

The surprise, the fear. Oh, it's just glitter.

LAUGHTER

Admittedly, if your house is burning down, they're worse than useless.

Panto would be downright dangerous, without audience participation.

You'd have no idea if there was anything behind you or not.

I think that's one of the sorry things in politics,

that years ago, since I've been around for a few years, heckling

at conferences, or indeed in audiences like this, was quite common.

And now that's gone, largely because people like myself,

if somebody makes a comment and heckles, I do my best to kick their head in before anybody else does.

LAUGHTER

Well, look, I know you're not a big fan of audience participation, John,

because we've got a clip that proves exactly that.

If you put together all of the numbers...

WOMAN IN CROWD SHOUTS REPEATEDLY

..and any of the others that come into a coalition deal,

that only just gets you...

Can you keep your mouth shut for a moment, love?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, let's have a look at John's choice.

WHIRRING

LAUGHTER

What is it, John?

Well, it's pictures of me on television.

For example, when I did that, I was at a rally and I was trying

to bring home to people who were moaning that Gordon Brown is miserable,

and I said, "I know he's miserable," and I pulled that face.

The press then decide this is something they want as a story,

and so they, probably wanting to make me look foolish,

or the other one is you're looking aggressive and I think they think

I'm aggressive, so they put that picture across.

In this case, somebody came up to me a few weeks later

and said, "Hello," he said, "I'd love to have your autograph."

And I signed it and he said, "Thanks very much, Les."

I said, "What do you mean, Les?"

LAUGHTER

Les Dawson was on in Blackpool where it was, and they thought it was Les Dawson.

You love it really, don't you?

I mean the two Jags, how did that thing happen?

Did you just buy two Jags?

-No, I just had one.

-So what happened? Did you park it next to a mirror?

I had one, it was an old XJS, I've still got it, and the Government

came along and gave us another car, I became "Two Jags" in the paper, because that's the image they want.

Just think if you'd have had Rolls-Royces, you'd have been known as Two Rolls.

LAUGHTER

I think they still call you that in Greggs.

That's another picture they like.

If they see you eating, fish and chips or whatever, that's the picture they put across,

because it feeds that image... as if I'm fat.

LAUGHTER

The guy who you hit, did he ever sell his story?

-What happened to him?

-Yeah, he got about 20,000 from the Mail.

That can't be right, can it? Hold on a minute.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK, let's have a look at Micky's choice.

WHIRRING

What is it, Mick?

Well, it's actually celebrity chefs.

Ah, OK.

I think they're over-valued, every time I turn on TV there's another one,

they just keep appearing, they've all got their own little thing.

Gordon's very angry, aggressive, crazy.

I understand that, he's ended up doing a lady's job.

LAUGHTER

GROANS

I'm joking! I'm joking.

Most women can't cook nowadays.

So, but it's no-one's job.

But it's basically, it's this overblown idea

of themselves as being really talented, and it's just cooking.

All they've done is got organised. They've just got organised

and they've got more time than everybody else.

They're just saying, I wasn't really any good at anything, so I'll do a bit of dinner.

Is that all right?

And you all have to go, "Wow, crazy man,

"look, he's using Sicilian lemons, wow!"

LAUGHTER

Yeah, but I like, I like the idea, I don't cook,

but I like the idea of eating new things that I've never...

like when I first heard of mange tout,

that was the...

LAUGHTER

..that was a discovery for me, and much better than the original Mange.

LAUGHTER

Whereas when they got to Mange Three, I thought they'd run out of ideas.

I enjoyed Mange The Early Years, that was a good one.

You know, when I was growing up, cookery on telly was, there was a woman called Fanny Cradock.

-Oh, yeah.

-Yeah, and she'd come in and she'd say, "Hello.

"I'm going to cook a pie."

And my dad would say, "Turn that over, will you?"

And we'd turn it over.

LAUGHTER

And that was it, you know. Have you ever tried it, though?

Have you ever tried, have you ever had an inspirational moment when you're sitting there watching it,

you go, that's it, I'm doing this?

I'm doing it for her.

I've tried to make, I've got down the book

and it said pumpkin risotto.

I thought, she'd like that, I'm making that, for my wife.

And it said, "Take one medium-sized pumpkin."

I thought, "I'll give that a miss, then."

LAUGHTER

What were you expecting the ingredients to be?

But who's got a pumpkin?

No, you're right.

-You know, it wasn't Halloween.

-Yeah, it's a seasonal dish, really.

-Yeah.

Or am I supposed to be like Jamie? "I'm just going to pop down the market and get a pumpkin.

"All right, Joe, any pumpkins?" "You all right, Jamie?

"What sort of pumpkin do you want?"

"A round one." "Oh, all right, we've got that for you. Catch, Jamie."

"Cheers, thanks, babe, wey hey!"

OK, well...

LAUGHTER

So, look, that's the end of that category and...

I am a big fan of audience participation,

so I'm loath to put that in.

And, John, I think you probably are slightly victimised

by the media as to be made to look a bit like the Gruffalo.

But you love it as well, I think.

But you're right, I'm sick of watching cookery programmes on the telly,

so I'm going to put TV chefs into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

Look at that.

Job done.

OK, so let's have our next category.

Modern Life. Let's see what winds up

John Prescott about modern life.

WHIRRING

LAUGHTER

Hold on, John, you'll love this.

CREAKING

LAUGHTER

Amazing.

So what is it, John?

It's goal celebrations.

Well, you sit down and you watch football, I'm a director

of a rugby team in Hull, and I notice the difference when there's a score.

When there's a goal in football, they all start running over

to each other and kissing each other and throwing their hands around.

Years ago, when it was Stanley Matthews and he scored, he just walked away, didn't he, you know?

And they all played more. Now they get down on their knees,

pull their shirts out and go wow!

And wait for the kiss.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I mean, what's that got to do with football?

AUDIENCE: Get 'em off!

Footballers are generally much more pansy-ish now than

they used to be, you know.

APPLAUSE

Well, I can't...

When I was growing up, in the game there was a thing called a fair barge.

Do you remember the fair barge, Frank?

-Shoulder to shoulder?

-Bosh, get out of the way.

John's been using it in the chip shop for years.

No, but I think people always say this about, you know,

players, they're all millionaires and all that kind of,

but you know, these are massively skilled professionals

and I think that those goal celebrations are the closest

the working classes get to contemporary dance.

The working classes! The working class don't act like that in football, it's these guys.

Some of them come from that background,

but in the real top teams, where a lot of goals are going on - I agree that in West Brom

it doesn't happen very often, so you probably don't get many of these.

AUDIENCE: Boo!

I understand, I can't actually remember...

I can't remember what goal celebration we do.

No, that's fair enough.

You know that thing when players have something written on a T-shirt under the shirt?

I always worry that players have had one for years and never scored.

A bloke scored at the Albion about two months ago

and the T-shirt said "Who shot JR?"

LAUGHTER

But the trouble is...

The best one is when the celebrations go wrong.

This is a Coventry player, right, and I really love this,

as a post-goal celebration that doesn't quite make the grade.

And Robbie Simpson ghosting into the box there and picking out

the far corner, and that should be that for Coventry City.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You're supposed to slide, is the idea.

Let's find out what annoys Rebecca about modern life.

WHIRRING

It's other people's music.

Ah.

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

Because when I was growing up, muzak was the thing that everybody hated,

you know, and people would complain about it all the time, piped music.

Then they invented Walkmans and iPods

and so you could listen to whatever awful music you wanted to

listen to and nobody else would be bothered by it.

And still you have it inflicted on you.

And I think I have a particular problem with this

because I am terribly kind of British and I'm very bad at speaking my mind.

So when I get into the back of a taxi and they've got music radio on,

I find it actually physically impossible to say,

"I'm so sorry, could you turn the music off?" I just can't do it.

About halfway through the journey, they'll say, "I'm sorry, is this music bothering you?"

And by that time I'm so knotted up by having had to listen to power ballads

for an hour and a half, that I'll just sort of go, "No, it's fine."

So it's power ballads, that's the...

-Power ballads, I'm not big on power ballads.

-Do you, even this one?

# Mandy

# You gave and you gave without taking

# But I sent you away... #

-Yeah, even that one.

-John, you must have sung that to Peter Mandelson.

LAUGHTER

There's that moment on a power ballad where they think,

to hell with the melody, I'm just going to shout any note I like. Listen, she goes crazy.

# All by myself... #

At this moment you think, All By Myself, I quite like this one, it's fine.

But no, she's not happy with this. She's thinking, no, I'm singing it.

# All by mySELF!

# ANY MO-O-O-ORE... #

THUNDERING DRUMS AS SINGER CONTINUES

MUSIC STOPS

APPLAUSE

What about car horns?

-Oh, no, that's all right, it's a quick blast, that's a warning.

-No, No.

Do you remember the ones you used to get in the '70s?

CAR HORN PLAYS JAUNTY TUNE

-Oh, I love that.

-Bugattis.

I bet you had one of those, Mick, am I right?

I dreamed.

And sometimes you used to get the cheap, the sort of home-made ones.

Here is an example.

CAR HORN PLAYS DISTORTED TUNE

That sounds like a front-door bell.

There is actually an explanation for that one.

SAME DISTORTED CLIP PLAYS

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Let's see what Micky doesn't like about modern life.

WHIRRING

Americanisms.

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

APPLAUSE

You can put it back down now, Frank.

LAUGHTER

Don't get me wrong, I like America, I've been there many times,

but when I go there I'm doing my best to communicate with the people.

If I want chips, I'll say, "Can I have some fries?", you know.

If I want crisps, I'll say, "Can I have some chips?"

You know, I'll accommodate.

Yeah.

So when they come here, you've got to join in.

I don't like the way we're sort of cheapening the British language

by continually slowly Americanising it.

I was in a restaurant the other day and the toilets were the rest rooms.

Are you resting in there, are you?

Excuse me, how much longer will you be resting?

"It's quite a big rest I've got to get out here, mate!"

LAUGHTER

Some of the Americanisms are brilliant.

You know when you get extras in TV, like those people that play darts in the Rovers Return?

We call them extras. In America they call them "atmosphere".

LAUGHTER

I love that.

Where's the atmosphere? Come on!

A friend of mine - this creeps into everyday language - a friend of mine

phoned me up the other day and we were going for a curry and a couple of pints,

and I said, "What time do you think you'll get there?"

He said, "Oh, I'll probably rock up at about half eight."

I said "Rock up?"

I said, "You're 52...

LAUGHTER

"..you've got an hearing aid,

"and last week you put your back out wringing out a flannel.

"You're not rocking up anywhere, mate.

"You'll get there about half eight."

You know, it's this constant dressing-up

and trying to make things more exciting by using American language, this just drives me up the wall.

Yeah, whatever.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Well, they're all beautifully argued and I like Americanisms,

because I like the way that language moves and grows.

And I think celebrations of any kind in recession-hit Britain

are a thing to be happy about.

But I must admit, as bigoted as it may be, I do hate

other people's music,

so I'm going to put other people's music into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

OK, next category, please.

Ah, it's the wildcard round. This time there's no restraints.

We're not asking you to work within a category, just pick anything you don't like, it's as simple as that.

So what is Rebecca Front's wildcard?

WHIRRING

Beautiful.

Air fresheners.

Really?

There are few smells in the world that can't be made worse

by trying to cover them up with an air freshener, in my view.

And we all know, you know,

there are some unpleasant stenches around, but, as an example,

many years ago, when my daughter was a toddler,

we'd just hit the motorway on the way to, you know, a long three-hour drive, and she was sick.

So we pulled into the first service station that we found

and we took the car-seat out and we scrubbed it clean.

I'm saying "we", I mean my husband, and then we bought an air freshener, because that's sort of what you do.

We didn't know what else to do, so we got an air freshener, and

the whole way there for three hours, the car stank of vomit and apple.

LAUGHTER

It was absolutely vile and it really,

it kind of clings to the back of your throat.

It's a horrible chemically generated smell.

Whenever you go to someone else's house,

and if I go into the toilet in someone else's house

and there's air freshener, I always think, is this always here?

Or is this, "Oh, Frank's coming round, we'd better get some air freshener."

LAUGHTER

But this is, without doubt,

the worst-smelling air freshener I have ever smelt.

This is macaroni cheese.

Can you just pass that on, because if anyone likes that,

I will be stunned. Just try that.

Oh! That's absolutely disgusting.

Is that one of the worst things that... Oh, John!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I don't know how much you're doing to break down your stereotypical image tonight, John.

These are weird things, these are rose-scented moustaches.

LAUGHTER

And the idea is that you stick them on your side window,

I think is the normal place to put it, and I think the idea is,

if you're involved in road rage, they don't spot you afterwards.

So, if you're going...

Let's imagine I'm out driving

and somebody cuts me up, I'm driving, someone cuts me up, right,

so what I do is, I get the air freshener.

So you put that, you put the air freshener on the window and go...

HE MOUTHS SILENTLY

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Who would have thought of moustache air fresheners?

It doesn't make any sense at all.

OK, let's have a look at John's choice.

WHIRRING

It's the old school tie.

This tie, it communicates to people in our society, doesn't it,

which school you went to.

You can have an ordinary tie, but for the people who use it

to identify that they're of higher status than you

because I went to a certain school, or a certain university.

And it's the tie that indicates that.

But we go much further. I was filming for the BBC on class and I went to Henley, the boating weekend,

to watch it, and observe it, and when you

see guys about 65, 70, going around with a Just William hat on

of a certain colour, a blazer with God knows how many different colours in it,

but the indication is the school you went to.

The class you belong to.

And in Britain, probably more than anywhere else, we do that.

And this is a symbol of that. I hate it.

OK, well, I suppose I've always,

I mean, I come from a working-class background, John, and I've always been

I suppose in a way slightly envious of the old public school education.

You know what I mean? I'd like to have had a go at Quidditch.

LAUGHTER

I'll never know if I could have been good at that.

No, I suppose my point is, John, that it's very tempting, isn't it,

if you're from a working-class background to just hate the posh.

And I like to think, you know,

to try and find if they, you know, if there's something

lovable about them, not to just be dismissive, not to...

Well, just to take a serious point, 7% of our kids go to independent schools.

They take 60% of all the top jobs, that's because you've got the right tie.

Now that's not right, is it?

OK, well, I think, rather than despising the posh,

we should see them as figures of ridicule and fun.

LAUGHTER

You do need a way, though, Frank,

to pick out your old school friends, don't you?

If I'm at a party and I look around and I see people in overalls and

prison uniforms, I think they might have gone to my school, you know.

On the subject of ties, by the way, this is a tie,

this is commercially available, this tie.

It has an inflatable section on the end and the idea is that if you're

on a journey and you get a bit tired, you can use it as a pillow.

Something fabulously practical about that.

OK, let's have a look at Micky Flanagan's wildcard.

WHIRRING

The countryside.

LAUGHTER

I hate the countryside.

It's just, what do you do there?

People waffle on about it,

"Oh, you should spend some time in the countryside."

Why? What, to walk about?

I don't feel like murdering anything.

You know, and the people there,

they're always waffling on about traditions

and how the city people don't understand their way of life.

"Oh, you don't understand the land." Oh, don't I?

Oh, you plant things, things grow,

you cut them down and then we eat 'em.

Oh, I think I might have cracked it, hold on a minute.

LAUGHTER

You know, and it's just, and it stinks and all.

OK. Well, look, the best way of deciding this country dispute,

because I think there's something special and different and mystical

about the country, I thought we'd have some representatives

of the country and you can compete with them at what they do best.

I'd like to bring on Joe and Ben, who are two members of the Shin Kicking Association.

Please welcome Joe and Ben.

APPLAUSE

Hi, guys, you are shin kickers?

Yes.

And I believe, Joe, you're the world champion shin kicker?

-That's right, yes.

-That's...

Are you on shin kicker's list?

I might be, yes.

LAUGHTER

So could you, could you give us

a quick demonstration on how does shin kicking work?

-OK.

-Right.

-Right.

The idea is to get your opponent to the ground.

-OK.

-By kicking his shins away, as hard as you can.

-OK.

-Do your worst.

-Ow!

So you kick from side to side. And to the front.

And Ben can have a go as well if he wants.

I'm all right.

LAUGHTER

You have a bit, you have... I hate to stop you,

but you have a bit of straw down there, don't you, so...

We have a bit of protection these days, yeah.

Yeah, so, Micky, we've prepared you some, some straw shin pads.

So if you'd like to slip...

BROAD ACCENT: "Arh, let me put them on."

LAUGHTER

You're just winding them up, you know that, don't you?

-There you go.

-"Good you on, Frank."

Are you sure about this approach, Mick?

Someone get in touch with Injury Lawyers For You a bit later on.

I'm going to get bundles out of this. I'll show you boys how to operate.

I have been to the countryside, I really helped your economy out once.

Oh, no, look...

No, I did, I bought a cream tea for £17.50.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-So right, OK.

-Grip the shoulders like that.

You have a free few hits so you get used to it.

-Then you're going to kick me up in the air.

-Well, if you want to.

Oh, come on, do it properly, man.

Now see, I don't think that's right!

Come on!

-Want me to show you how to do it properly?

-Please.

-Right.

Ow!

-Then with the left.

-It's all right, yeah, he's proved his point.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, what about a big hand for Joe and Ben?

CHEERING

So, Micky, I can't, I'm not going to let the countryside in,

because I think it is a mystical and wondrous place.

And I must admit, Rebecca, I am against air fresheners,

but I don't think it would be quite fair to say that I'm

more against them than I am against social inequality.

LAUGHTER

So I'm going to put the old school ties into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

OK, that brings us to the end of the show.

Well done, John, you were the most persuasive guest, so you are this week's winner.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And, as you've won,

you get to put one choice completely unchallenged into Room 101.

So what will that be?

End the title "Lord",

chuck it into 101 and let's be finished with it and just be

called "Mr," along with the other names you might get as well.

-So you'll never be called Lord again?

-No, get rid of it.

-OK.

-Are you still all right with Gruffalo?

-Gruffalo...

LAUGHTER

OK, Lord goes straight into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

So, thank you very much, Micky Flanagan, John Prescott and Rebecca Front,

and thank you, goodnight.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd