Episode 7 Room 101

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,

the show where three guests explain what really winds them up,

in the hope that I'll condemn said thing to the grim environs of Room 101.

Our guests' choices have been sorted into categories

and, in each round, only one item can be chosen.

The final decision is mine.

As an example, let's try and decide the worst from this group of three.

I should say they're not all that easy.

So let's meet the guests.

Joining me tonight are presenter Lauren Laverne,

actor Larry Lamb and comedian David O'Doherty.

Right then, let's get the first category.

Modern Life.

So let's see what Lauren Laverne doesn't like about modern life.

OK. Look at this, this is what I don't like about modern life.

Oh, look, this is fine. Is this fine?

Is this fine?

No, this isn't fine. I hate fake tan.

Do you really?

I hate fake tan. Look.

That is deeply un-fine and needs to go in Room 101.

But you quite like applying them, liberally.

It has become normal to dye our skin from the top of our head

to our toes, all year round.

We look back into history and we look at people with their...

in the 17th century, with their powdered wigs

and their beauty spot and corsets and we laugh at them.

And, like, right now, we're walking around

looking like a nation of Oompa Loompas.

It's insane and it must end.

I know, it's like seasonal fruit.

When I was a young man, you had to wait for things like sprouts.

I heard a rumour that there was one magazine cover star who wanted to

fake-tan the baby for the "meeting the baby" shoot, at two weeks old!

-Can't be right.

-Yeah, I mean, surely the obvious thing is to just dip them, isn't it?

I mean, I have to defend, certainly spray tan, is that it is

probably healthier than actual sun-tanning and it's quicker.

I like to think that what's happened is that man has taken nature

and improved it, you know. Like with, say, Nesquik.

I had a spray tan once in my life. I did it for...

I did it for professional reasons, can I point that out?

I had to do a show where you did five things that you've never

done before, so I went for a spray tan, and the woman said to me,

"So how strong do you want to go?"

And I thought, you know, builders.

They sprayed me and I was amazed.

I don't know, people here probably have had spray tans,

I thought it stayed, but it was... I got out of bed the next morning,

my fitted sheet looked like the Turin Shroud.

The flamingos in Dublin Zoo were... they weren't pink any more,

they were losing their pinkness,

so they had to add some pink dye to the food they were giving them.

So maybe that's it,

maybe people who work as air hostesses just drink a lot of Fanta.

I went in one of these standy-up ones, where you...

-The stand and tan.

-No, no, this was like bars on the wall and you stand in there,

they play Europop and you dance naked.

It has its pluses.

I'd never been before, and they give you two little golden cones

to put in your eyes so your eyes don't burn out.

So I wedged those in, so I got these two pointy bits

and I went in there, I said, "I'll have 18 minutes."

That was the max you could have.

I got very burnt.

Particularly in one particular area

where not normally exposed to the sun at all.

And when I went back, I said,

"I couldn't have three of those gold cones, could I?"

OK, so let's see what Larry Lamb doesn't like about modern life.

High fives.

Ah!

-Eh?

-I'm with you.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

I mean, talk about a fad.

It drives me crazy, everybody's doing it, you just

sort of expect the Queen, the Pope, everybody to be high-fiving.

You've got President Obama. It seems to be the way that people,

somehow or other, have accepted they've got to sort of show that

they're kind of hip to what's going on when they greet each other.

-But aren't they a lovely, warm greeting, Larry?

-No.

It just makes me feel really angry when they do it.

I don't want to do it, no.

What do you do when people do it to you? Do you just go, "Argh, no!"?

-Yeah, no, I don't do any...

-Do you join in? If someone comes up and goes, "Hey, Larry," what do you do?

No, how are you doing?

-Oh, oh, you've directly challenged their...

-Absolute direct challenge.

..greeting.

I met Arnold Schwarzenegger, and I'd never heard of a low five,

and he went...

And I sort of shook hands with him sideways.

It was really pathetic. He gave me a withering look.

But it's a very American thing, isn't it?

It is. Well, I'm not anti...

And I kind of, they're more expressive, because I think

the standard British greeting, instead of the high five, is...

There are worse things that have come from America. I mean,

you know, the drive-by shooting, for example.

This clip illustrates that if you are going to high-five someone,

make sure that they're kind of ready for it,

and a white stick is something to look out for.

We'll see. We'll see where it goes. I am pumped.

As you should be.

Well, I'm giving you a high five.

Congratulations, there it is.

Anyway, let's have a look at David's choice in the Modern Life category.

TENSE MUSIC

Frank, this is a big one,

the thing I hate more than possibly anything else...

is fake tension in light entertainment television programmes.

From my memory, it would have started...

I remember Eurovisions in the 1980s,

it was possibly an accident originally that the man reading out

the results for the Swiss jury just went, "And twelve points goes to...

"..Malta."

And all of Europe went, "Ooh!"

Well, I seem to... It's been around longer than that.

Doesn't the King use it in The King's Speech?

Oh, yeah.

I think when he said, "We are currently at war with..."

And the whole nation's going, "Who? Who are we at war with?"

I think I hate it because I am so easily emotionally manipulated,

so I'm, "Oh, really? Who's going to be knocked out of Celebrity Fly Fishing this week?"

I think the worst bit is when they really try to tease them.

They'll lead them one way and then the other,

so you get the look into the eye and they say, "I'm sorry, it's bad news.

"You're going to have to spend a bit longer with me. Ha-ha!

"At least long enough for me to tell you that you're going home.

"And when you get home, I want you to pack your suitcase and come right back here!

"Only then will I finally admit that I'm truly sorry that

"I didn't tell you straightaway

"that you're in the next round!"

It's... I mean, it's cruel.

But I love it.

I think the brilliant thing about that tension moment,

that dramatic pause,

is that you can make almost anything sound really, really exciting.

There was one more ingredient to this battle, our secret ingredient,

the theme on which our chefs will offer their succulent variations.

Today's secret ingredient is...

..potatoes!

But there's no real drama on television,

so they turn reality television into drama. That's the problem, you know.

That's a bitter actor speaking there, Larry.

Me and Larry agree. Put it there!

Anyway, I now come to my choice, and in the Modern Life category,

what I'm going to put in Room 101 is...

TENSE MUSIC

HE WHISTLES

I'll tell you after the break.

Sorry... Oh, BBC.

OK, so I am going to put fake tans into Room 101.

OK, let's move on to the next category.

Going Out. What does Larry Lamb not like about going out?

Confusing loo signs.

The bane of people my age, I'm sure, you know.

Bad enough to be constantly in a rush needing to get there,

but going in the wrong one almost, you know, ready to explode, is just

terribly embarrassing and it seems to happen more and more and more.

-Yeah.

-Sometimes, it's just because you catch things at the wrong angle

and you're so anxious to get in there, and the door's half-open, half-closed, and you just see it.

-But...

-Just save it for the jury, will you?

It even got worse for me on the internal signs on one of these new-fangled ones

on a big sort of super-train in England, funnily enough,

one of these revolving ones.

And I got myself all safely stowed and ready settled...

-You didn't lock.

-..everything ready, and pressed the button that closes

and it was the wrong one, and I'm sitting there

and this person is standing in front of the door just staring at me,

and I'm staring at him, saying, "Hello, I'm Archie Mitchell.

"How you doing?" I mean, unreal.

It's a great reveal though.

-It's a great reveal, and that's the kind of...

-Larry Lamb!

It's the terror of it, just gradually, you think,

"It's opening, it's opening, it's opening!"

-I know, but if ever they bring back Stars In Their Eyes...

-Yeah!

In case you're not familiar with these signs,

here's a few toilet signs.

This one, I think, is very clever, this first one.

Don't you think that's good, Larry? That's inventive.

It's good. It's good. I get that.

-Oh, so you're all right with that one?

-I'm all right with that one.

This one, I think's a bit trickier.

People from the 18th century and in flying wheelchairs.

Is that disabled?

I thought it was just someone who had one of those Space Hopper things.

What about this one? This is...

See, that, to me, looks like a giant with a quiff

creeping up on a man at a urinal.

Can you see that?

Just about to bite him on the bottom.

So I've got to say, Larry, that I...

If that's his willy, what on earth is that thing on the other side?!

That's his bottom.

Good Lord! Unbelievable.

I've only ever been in a ladies toilet once and that was...

We were on a very, very good conga.

The sort of conga you have to get the bus back to where you began from.

OK, what doesn't Lauren Laverne like about going out?

Look at that, Frank. Square plates.

Square plates, because when a square plate arrives,

what it immediately tells you is that you're in a restaurant

that is not quite as good a restaurant as it thinks it is.

I mean, don't get me wrong, everything doesn't have to be fancy,

but I think, actually, that's my point.

It's the stuff in the middle.

I like a really properly fancy, really lovely restaurant,

and I love, like, a bag of chips on the beach, you can't go past that.

I think those two extremes are fantastic.

But this in the middle, with the square plates,

and the food in little piles.

Why, why is this?

I don't know. I think there's a lot of KFC regulars here going...

what is that?

But on a practical level, have you ever chased peas with

a knife and fork round a circular plate?

I've been lapped by a cherry tomato.

I think the theory is,

it's supposed to represent like a frame for a work of art.

Yeah, that's the problem, it's food going into art, isn't it?

Food going into art makes fart, though, Larry.

That's not something anybody wants to think about when they're having their dinner.

It also says to me,

"After this meal, you are still going to be quite hungry."

I went to quite a posh restaurant, right, and they gave me - I'm not kidding you -

gave me a chopping board with the ingredients for a sandwich on it,

but they just hadn't made you the flippin' sandwich.

And it was like, "Hang on, I'm giving you 12 quid for this.

"Can you not take it back and make us a sandwich? I have to make my own?"

Are you sure you weren't working there at the time?

OK, well, I think that looks nice, personally,

but you've made your point.

What doesn't David like about going out?

I have a big problem with ostentatious dressers

who don't like people looking at them.

This comes from an incident in Spar, the popular shop, recently.

I'm doing pretty well, and there was a man, a very fashionable man

in his twenties with the sort of little trousers and little shoes,

and he had a trenchcoat on and a sort of a little moustachey thing.

And then round his neck, he had a stoat, and then

an old lady kind of lady killer, one with the arms and the head, like...

..who was staring at the other people in...

Can I say, I'm not totally sure they have arms.

With his... Well, of course they have arms.

What are they, just a tube? They roll around, stoats.

Are they not legs?

Legs are arms.

Oh, I see what this is,

this is the argument as to whether dogs have arms and legs.

Yes.

-Or whether they have four legs in the first place.

-They have four legs, surely.

Not in Ireland. In Ireland, we're very clear about this.

You see a table, there are the arms, there are the legs.

The man with the stoat, he looked over at me as if to say,

"I'm just trying to live my life, leave me alone."

And I think what annoyed me about it was that when I was

growing up, people who dressed in the most outlandish costumes were goths,

you know, or were punks, and they were trying to shock the world.

And they were saying, "Look at me, I don't care!" You know? "Ha-ha!

"That's right, I've put an egg in my hair."

And this was someone...

I remember that fashion.

This was someone from my crappy generation, who just

couldn't make up their mind whether it was meant to be

a cool thing they wanted people to look at, or just like,

"Don't look... Look at me! Don't look... Look at me! Don't look at me."

That was the annoying thing.

He might have been being savaged.

OK, well, as I come to look at these things,

I like the sort of non-uniformity of the square plate,

I like that it's challenging the norm.

I think that David staring is just a little bit taking the mickey,

and I can understand those people getting upset.

Larry, you've won me over.

I didn't realise it, I thought they were just imagination,

but they can be traumatic, I realise that now.

So I am going to put misleading loo signs into Room 101.

For the old folks.

Let's take a look at the next category.

This is the Wildcard round, because sometimes, we feel

we constrain you too much in your hatred and dislikes.

So now there's no restraints, no category,

you can choose whatever you like.

And we're going to start with Larry.

What is Larry's wildcard?

I suppose it's going back to where we were with David,

it's people who actually go out in public in fancy dress.

-Ah.

-It's that thing of... God, it's my old Captain Hook hat.

I suppose it's when you're an actor

and you get to dress up all the time, it's...

But look, you can't resist it, Larry!

-I know, exactly.

-Oh, that's good.

Well, I think it's silly to leave it all in the box for you.

Ooh, you've gone a bit camp in that hat.

Oh, I do! That's the thing. It depends.

You see, you get... Ooh, look at this one here!

Ooh! But, no...

I can see you're a man who's utterly governed by headgear.

Completely, sweetheart!

But no, the thing is, just as David was saying,

it's people wandering around in fancy dress.

I'll tell you what I like, I'm not very keen on the hire shop.

I think if you go to a fancy dress party or wear fancy dress,

it should be stuff you just find at home.

That seems to be the craic.

Like, I had this... I thought this was a very clever idea,

to go to a fancy dress party dressed as my girlfriend, right?

At least that's what I told her when she came home early.

Larry, now, I'm not taking the mick now,

but are you not tempted to go to fancy dress things as a lamb?

Ooh, ooh, if only you knew how far off the beam you are there.

We've got a clip from a local news story about a man who did go to

a fancy dress party as Larry the Lamb and things went horribly wrong.

About a month ago, Peter Buck was out celebrating

on a fancy dress bus party for a birthday.

But when a bit of his Larry the Lamb costume came loose,

he and some friends decided to burn it off with a lighter.

In moments, his entire outfit was alight.

It was here outside the Drunken Duck where Pete's costume burst into flames.

In a panic, he ran out into the street.

A passing car had to swerve to avoid hitting him.

Now, fortunately for Pete, one of the friends out with him

that night was firefighter Paul Bisson,

who, as it happens, was dressed as Jesus Christ on the night.

He chased after Pete, telling him to stop, drop and roll,

but eventually had to bear-hug him to help put out the flames.

I should say, for those of you at home who are worried, that he

had a few burns on his arms, but he's perfectly all right now.

Especially with a bit of mint sauce.

OK, let's have a look what is Lauren's wild card.

Flags.

You don't like flags?

Nothing good has ever come from a flag.

Wars, nationalism, racism, Geri Halliwell at the Brits that time.

Nothing good has ever come out of a flag.

And linesmen.

Well, I don't know, I mean...

Actually, it would be tough for a linesman if you put flags in Room 101.

They'd have to run up and down going...

Well, all right, maybe there's practical problems for it,

but I mean, I think they're divisive, I think they're bad for humankind.

Broadly, I'm not saying they weren't necessary in the past,

but I think now, it's time to move on and, you know, we're all on one little

quite vulnerable planet, we all need to work together as a people.

I mean, I'd maybe allow, like, a plain white flag with the name

of each country written across, in a pre-globally agreed font.

In regulation font size.

You wouldn't see anybody waving that and starting a war with it.

Nobody would be making them into beach towels.

I've got some examples of what I think are brilliant flags.

This is the Sicilian flag.

You know, I think I saw that act in cabaret.

It's Sicily, so it's probably just the Mafia cut off her legs.

Well, they actually added a leg.

Or as you'd say in Ireland, they added an arm.

This was the flag for Benin, in Africa.

Ooh! You see, this is what I'm talking about.

-This is exactly it.

-I mean, that's just looking for trouble.

Also, it looks like the man on the right was trying to tippy-toe past.

He wasn't even looking for trouble. "Oh, he hasn't seen me...

"Ow!"

OK, I'm taking that onboard.

What is David's wildcard?

It's not Alex from the One Show?

It is being 35 years old.

I've recently become 35 and I realise age ain't nothing

but a number, but it is also a very accurate barometer of how old you are.

And 35 is the first truly disappointing age.

You just never hear of 35 year olds doing anything

particularly innovative or interesting.

You're not young any more, and anyway,

if you look at the news, it's this seven year old has invented

the internet on crisps, or whatever it is.

But 35 year olds, it's always much darker,

it's always - the suspect,

35, exposed himself to

the mourners in the pet cemetery, or whatever it happens to be.

But I should say that Van Gogh painted the Sunflowers

when he was 35.

And look how he turned out!

Well, I don't know about... I don't have terrible sympathy,

as I am about 20 years older.

-I know, but...

-No, you don't know.

-I realise...

-You think you know.

I'll tell you what I've started to get just lately, Larry,

and see if we're brothers in this, I've started to find

-that my throat is getting slightly affected by breeze.

-By breeze.

-Yeah.

-You start feeling cold in places you've never felt cold.

-No, I'm on about it actually moves, my throat.

-Oh, does it?

-I occasionally wear a dicky bow as a wind break.

-Do you?

I would say 30 is probably the cut-off point.

I think you're being a bit optimistic, 35.

I always thought I was fairly washed-up...

I went to a Club 18/30 do, I got completely mixed up,

I went as Alfred Lord Tennyson.

For the first time, I had a creaky knee and I went to the doctor,

and rather than prescribing a cure or anything, he just went,

you're 35!

But that is what happens.

I did my back in. I was standing backstage

and a young comedian came up to me and said, "Are you all right?"

I said, "No, my back's killing me."

He said, "Oh, what happened?" And I suddenly realised that when you get older,

injuries don't come with an anecdote any more.

They used to be, I fell off a horse,

or I was climbing a wall drunk.

Now, I woke up one morning and it just hurt.

What happened? It was erosion.

You used to work in marketing.

18 to 35 is, that's, isn't that a classic category?

Well, the categories that we worked on, in my tele-marketing era,

was the zero to 18, and they're... they like brightly coloured things.

And then there's 18 to 34,

and they're the key demographic, because they're the people

who feel emotion and fall in love and take risks.

And then there's just 35 to death.

We all like Michael Buble and driving gloves.

OK. Well, this is... It's an interesting one, this.

I can't go with fancy dress, because I love dressing up so much.

It's a joyous thing, and I love to see it at the Test Match and all that.

And David has got a terrible sadness about him in this,

-but I'm going to put flags into Room 101.

-Hurray!

And that brings us to the end of the show,

and my most persuasive guest tonight was Lauren, so well done, Lauren.

You are the winner.

And as winner, you get one free,

unchallenged choice that goes straight into Room 101.

-Ooh, adult animals.

-OK! I know what you mean.

-Because baby animals are lovely.

-Yeah.

-Adult animals, I can give them up...

Yeah, exactly.

I like animals, but you need a cut-off point.

OK, adult animals will go into Room 101.

Well, thanks very much to Lauren, to David and to Larry, and thank YOU.

And goodnight.

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