Episode 1 Room 101


Episode 1

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Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,

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the show where three guests compete

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to get their pet hates exiled for ever to the dark vault.

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Joining me tonight are comedian Miranda Hart,

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broadcaster John Craven and presenter Reggie Yates.

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So, let's have our first category.

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It's food and drink. OK.

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So, what doesn't Miranda like about food and drink?

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I don't like fruit or veg out of context.

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So you might look at this and you think, "A banana in a hot dog?

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"That's ridiculous". Well, that is no more ridiculous...

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In fact, that's slightly less ridiculous to me

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than a pineapple, an exotic fruit, on a pizza.

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A pineapple has no place mucking about with ham...

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APPLAUSE Thank you! ..tomato and dough. It's an exotic fruit.

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So I'd like to focus on vegetables out of context, if I may, Sir Frank.

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-OK.

-And I'll start you off... You've just been knighted.

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A little bit premature.

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This goes out after the New Year Honours list.

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I will firstly give you the carrot cake.

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Unacceptable. A carrot in a cake.

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Either eat vegetables, or eat a cake.

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I think vegetables are getting very cocky and they're infiltrating,

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-they're infiltrating fun foods.

-Yes.

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I think you should only eat vegetables

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if they're in a scenario where you could pour gravy on them.

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Would you pour gravy on a cake?

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No, you'd look, at best, a loon. Stop it.

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-And then now we're getting beetroot cake.

-Mmm.

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Beetroot in a cake?

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And then people say, "Oh, but it's a sugar replacement."

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Well, don't have cake, then!

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What about if they're tasty?

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Like, a carrot cake is quite tasty.

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It's a nice pudding.

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But it's got carrot in it.

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LAUGHTER

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I admit it's the shock of seeing something where it ought not to be.

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I mean, people talk about broken Britain.

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I personally think the day Britain broke

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was when someone put a piece of lime in the top of a beer bottle.

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Yes. Well, there you go.

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-That is a fruit out of context.

-Yeah. Why is it there?

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No. I don't even like a raisin in a Garibaldi. There, I said it.

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Wow. I'm sorry. I think you've gone too far.

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No.

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-I like a pineapple in a pizza.

-Ooh.

-Do you?

-Yeah.

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I can't look at you, John.

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LAUGHTER

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I never thought I'd say that to John Craven.

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I make myself, um, cheese and Brussels sprout sandwiches.

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AUDIENCE: Ugh!

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Have you tried them?

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They're lovely because the heat of the sprout melts the cheese and er...

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-Are you serious?

-I'm absolutely serious.

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In bread, like in a roll?

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Yeah, a sandwich. You've heard of the concept of the sandwich.

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Not with Brussels sprouts in it, Frank.

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I don't think I've gone exotic here.

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OK. Well, you argue your case well.

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I'm going to see what John Craven doesn't like about food and drink.

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Nothing good can be said about a marrow.

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-Well, we'll see.

-It is tasteless,

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it's got an awful, soggy texture that makes me want to choke.

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Marrow serves no useful purpose whatsoever,

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apart from maybe being the biggest vegetable anybody can grow, often.

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-You know, I think the biggest marrow ever was about eight stone.

-Yeah?

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So that's fine. You know, grow it for a bit of fun,

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and then throw it away. Don't eat it.

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-I'm guessing, John, that you have judged a giant marrow contest in your time.

-I have.

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I knew you had.

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What I do like about a marrow is the fact that, as you say, it's so dull,

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so that when it's stuffed, it really is just an edible bowl.

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-That's right.

-It's like celery. Celery is an edible spoon.

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You use it as a big spoon,

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-don't you, to eat cottage cheese, say.

-Yeah.

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If you eat it on its own, it's got that horrible string...

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Marrow, you mean?

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It's like eating a violin.

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Nothing anybody can say will convince me

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that marrow should not be in Room 101.

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-OK. Well, blimey, you've argued that very strongly.

-Gosh.

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You see, one thing I would say about it is

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vegetables of a certain shape

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are absolutely essential to British comedy.

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You know, the marrow, the cucumber, for some of us, the courgette.

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LAUGHTER

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It features in some of the...

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There's an artistic use of, er, a vegetable.

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This, for example. This is the John Craven marrow.

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That's amazing.

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APPLAUSE

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Well, how about that?

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You can have that, John.

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Well, thank you, Frank.

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-We have, um... Do you know who Snoop Dogg is?

-No.

-OK.

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I would have been more upset had he said yes.

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-Yeah. Snoop Dogg is one of them rappers.

-Ah.

-Yeah.

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No, I wouldn't know.

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And, um, this is an amazing story.

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A man grew the heaviest swede in the world,

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and he got a message via YouTube from Snoop Dogg, asking for,

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and I quote, "Advice on how to grow vegetation."

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When he was over here, Snoop Dogg, he invited this guy to a gig

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and this is what he had to say.

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-So, Snoop heard about your talent, didn't he?

-Yes, yes.

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And, um, he kind of got in touch over YouTube.

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What did you think when you heard that message?

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Bit strange, but, er, it's not my type of scene,

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so I did turn the ticket down,

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but in the end we went to the booking office

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and managed to get them back.

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I got my VIP pass with me to show my friends.

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And you met him last night.

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Met him last night, and I had a smoke with him.

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I don't smoke, but he offered me one, so I took one.

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-I'm hoping that's just tobacco.

-No, it wasn't!

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LAUGHTER

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I love that. OK, what's Reggie's food and drink pet hate?

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-Yoghurt drinks. I can't stand 'em.

-Ah.

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There's drinks, there's soft drinks, there's milkshake,

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and then there's yoghurt drinks.

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Why would you want a yoghurt drink?

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-It just doesn't make sense.

-Mmm.

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On a warm day, you wouldn't drink milk,

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so why would you drink yoghurt? I don't understand.

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Why is a milkshake acceptable and not a yoghurt shake?

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Because it tastes good. It doesn't taste like yoghurt.

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Yoghurt really annoys me because it's disgusting

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and it's just gone-off stuff.

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I don't want a cup of gone-off stuff.

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I want a nice, fruity beverage that's refreshing.

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This is ridiculous.

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OK.

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But a yoghurt has things called probiotics in it, which is, like,

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-well good for you and stuff, isn't it?

-Very good for you.

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So, in your face with that.

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If I'm going to have a dairy-based drink, I like it to taste nice.

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I also like it to go toe-to-toe with irritable bowel syndrome.

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-Yeah.

-I tell you what I have a problem with.

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-The Fruit Corner. Are you familiar with the Fruit Corner?

-Yeah, yeah.

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Because that's not a yoghurt, that's a yoghurt kit.

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I don't want to make my yoghurt, I want it to come...

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The problem with that, is it can go wrong

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because you have to do that weird thing where you flip the fruit into the yoghurt,

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and if it goes wrong you've ruined the entire thing. Then you're just left with yoghurt,

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which is just as bad as this nonsense.

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-I don't flip the fruit in.

-Do you not?

-No.

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-I have a bit of yoghurt, then a bit of fruit, a bit of yoghurt and a bit of fruit.

-You maverick.

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LAUGHTER

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You been hanging out with Snoop Dogg?

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What would you say was the most masculine drink that exists?

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See, I don't drink. I don't drink alcohol,

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but I've always liked the idea of getting a short, stubby glass of brandy

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and sitting at a piano and smoking a cigar.

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That's a really nice, cool, man thing to do,

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but I don't smoke and I don't drink so I'll never do that,

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but I really like the idea of that.

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-Can I ask, do you play the piano?

-No!

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LAUGHTER

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I ask about the macho thing because someone sent me this,

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which is called... You see that? Oyster Stout.

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I don't know if you can read the bottom of that.

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"Stout made with bull testicles."

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Oh. Shall I taste it?

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-Do you want to taste it?

-Can I taste it?

-Yeah, certainly.

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I just sort of feel like one of us should.

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John, do you want to do it?

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No, I'm really happy for you to try it.

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Let's hope you don't develop a taste for it.

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Don't aim it at John Craven, for God's sake.

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It's a funny description.

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It calls itself, "A luscious, uniquely ballsy stout..."

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Oh, I see.

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" ..with flavours of roasted barley, coffee and nuts."

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Here we go.

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It's like being on I'm A Celebrity.

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-Oh, that is rank.

-Is it horrible?

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Try some, John. Oh, that's really disgusting.

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-It's an awful colour as well.

-Are you going to try it, John?

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That's like drinking metal. Oh, no, that's not nice.

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-Yuck.

-It tastes of...

-There's a really strong taste of liquorice.

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It tastes of... Hmm, what is it? Testicles.

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But John presents Countryfile,

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so it won't be the first time he's gone home

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smelling of bull's testicles.

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OK, so we've come to the end of that round.

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I think, the yoghurt drink thing,

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I wouldn't want to get rid of probiotics

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because I think they are sort of good for people,

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so I think you're going to throw out the baby with the bath water.

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The marrow, I can't let that go

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because there's been so many fabulous visual jokes about it.

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But Miranda, I think you make a good point

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that things like carrot cake - they're cake.

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Why don't they just 'fess up and be honest about it?

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So I am going to put fruit and veg out of context into Room 101.

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Yes!

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Anyway, let's have our next category.

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It's technology. All right.

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So, what is John's technology hate?

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It is electronic books. I hate electronic books.

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CHEERING

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With a real book, you know, you can actually feel it.

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It's a very physical thing, a real book.

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You turn the pages,

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you can put it back on the shelf and feel good about it,

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you can have your little bookmark to mark your spot in it.

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Electronic books have none of that sort of thing.

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Electronic books are just another gadget.

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My real worry is that eventually

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so many people will go for this easy, electronic read

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that we'll start losing our bookshops,

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and I don't want books to disappear.

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So please...

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CHEERING

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The eBook is going to end up saving the, er, Amazon rainforest.

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-Certainly end up saving Amazon.

-No, no.

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LAUGHTER

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I just think that...

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I mean, I have a Kindle, and, er, I've also got, um,

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an iPad and an iPod, and I'm just thinking, in the '80s,

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I really got into inflatable furniture. I had a whole house...

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If I'd kept that and those things, I'd be able to move house in a briefcase.

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Do you have any ordinary books, then, Frank?

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I still have the ordinary books.

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I don't go around burning books. But that's a point.

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If the Nazis had had Kindles,

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they wouldn't have been so frightening if they were in the street, deleting books.

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OK, well, it's a strong case.

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What doesn't Reggie like about technology?

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I can't bear Bluetooth headsets.

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Wow.

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They are incredibly annoying.

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That's genius. I've only just seen it.

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They're incredibly annoying and unfortunately

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the majority of the people that actually use them are incredibly annoying people.

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No offence. Thank you. Thank you.

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They have been a source of great relief to me, though.

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If you're walking down the street

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and there's someone coming towards you

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who you think might be talking to themselves,

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and you get close, "Oh, thank God, they've got a..."

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Any piece of technology that makes you look like you might be mad

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surely should go in Room 101.

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That's a very good way of classifying it, I must say.

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They are quite expensive.

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-Yeah, they're not cheap.

-And I had a great...

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Tell me, someone else might have come up with this idea.

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I think this is brilliant. This is, er, my method of a cheap hands-free.

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That's brilliant.

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Yeah. Excellent. I've also found a way of saving money.

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You know an iPod...

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Have you seen these gloves? These are proper phones,

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-and they have a speaker in the finger, the little finger.

-No way.

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Honestly. A speaker - you can feel it there -

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-and the earpiece is in there, so you actually do that.

-No way.

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Is it wrong that I really want a pair of those gloves?

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-Amazing.

-They are excellent.

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See, that's actually kind of annoying.

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Like, I can imagine my girlfriend or my little sister

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getting really annoyed at me using that,

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but I'd take so much pleasure in using that and annoying people,

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as opposed to this. The people that use these think they look cool.

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-Yeah.

-They think they're space age,

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and they have their phone clipped on their belt,

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just in case you didn't know this was connected to that.

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Whereas with that, you know you look like a plonker.

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-You're enjoying it.

-My problem is -

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and you won't know this because you're a young man, Reggie -

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but the ears get very hairy, and I'm worried that it might get overgrown.

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It'll be like a blinking blue light showing through the undergrowth,

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like a police car parked on a forest clearing.

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LAUGHTER

0:16:180:16:20

OK. What's Miranda's technology hate?

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-I hate the smartphone.

-"Smart phone". See?

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I see what they've done there. That's clever.

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Got a degree, you see.

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Well, I should admit I have a smartphone.

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I have one of the kind that's named by a fruit,

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which is another fruit out of context.

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And I have a mild addiction to it,

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and that is my worry, that we are all addicted to our phones.

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So I have a two-pronged attack.

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One is the more serious, er, campaign,

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which is that I genuinely worry where the younger generation,

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where our artists, screenwriters, authors, er, are going to come from,

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because the "yoot" of today are just constantly on screens.

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There's no... A journey now is, "Let's check my emails".

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There's no dreaming, looking out the window.

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We're not going for walks any more.

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We're not going on journeys any more. We're not communicating.

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We're in this sort of world of just looking at a screen,

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so I worry what's happening to people's imaginations.

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That's the serious point about it.

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My other point is that it's created text speak, which I...

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if I hear someone say "OMG", I will kill them in the face.

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LOL, it's created, which is a disaster for the 40s and over.

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People still think that means "lots of love",

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so therefore you get hilarious but awful incidences

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where you might have someone text someone and go,

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"I'm so sorry to hear about your divorce. LOL. Mary."

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That sort of thing.

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Just everything about it is irritating and wrong,

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and we need to go back to a simpler life. Thank you. Applause.

0:18:040:18:07

I like the way it's become people's conscience though, the mobile phone.

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So you sit with someone and they've got their phone there,

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and they'll say, "Oh, I saw Susan last night.

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"God, she's got fat. She looked absolutely... Hold on."

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"She looked absolutely..." I love that.

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Yeah.

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What about photo bombing? Are you aware of that?

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-No.

-Everyone now carries a camera with them at all times,

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which never used to be the case.

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No-one asks for autographs any more, they always want a photo.

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What you do is, when you see someone having their photo took,

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-you sneak in and...

-Oh, yes. Brilliant.

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..and become a presence. We have some examples of this.

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LAUGHTER

0:18:560:18:57

Nice.

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And then, um, you'll like this one, John.

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Oh! That's amazing!

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And a slightly terrifying one.

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-That is a stingray.

-No!

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But just look behind the ray. Can you see somebody's head?

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-Oh, yeah.

-Oh, yeah.

0:19:210:19:23

Oh, so that man has grabbed the ray and put it on those ladies.

0:19:230:19:26

Well spotted. So someone has actually photo bombed the ray.

0:19:260:19:31

LAUGHTER

0:19:310:19:32

Well, I don't agree with the creativity thing.

0:19:340:19:36

See, if I have an idea, I make a note of it on my smartphone,

0:19:360:19:39

and I read books on my smartphone.

0:19:390:19:41

I've got the complete works of Shakespeare

0:19:410:19:43

and the King James Bible on my smartphone.

0:19:430:19:45

Absolutely, but what about the youth of the day?

0:19:450:19:47

I don't care about them.

0:19:470:19:50

Also, I love books as well, John,

0:19:510:19:54

but because I love books,

0:19:540:19:56

I love the idea of being able

0:19:560:19:58

to carry a hundred books with me all the time. It's the words that count.

0:19:580:20:02

It's receiving wisdom from these great writers.

0:20:020:20:05

That's what I think it's all about.

0:20:050:20:07

But I do think people that wear Bluetooth headsets

0:20:070:20:09

do look like they need a smack in the face.

0:20:090:20:12

APPLAUSE

0:20:120:20:15

I'm going to put Bluetooth headsets into Room 101.

0:20:150:20:18

Next category, please.

0:20:260:20:27

Now, this is the wildcard round,

0:20:320:20:34

when you're not constrained by any particular theme.

0:20:340:20:37

You can pick anything at all that you don't like.

0:20:370:20:40

So, what is Reggie's wildcard?

0:20:400:20:42

-The hip-hop handshake.

-Oh, right.

0:20:470:20:49

-Stand up, Frank.

-Yeah. I'm going to need...

0:20:490:20:51

I'll show you what it is.

0:20:510:20:52

-Yeah.

-Right? So put your hands out,

0:20:520:20:54

and I'll show you the hip-hop handshake.

0:20:540:20:57

-I've seen this before.

-It sort of starts there.

0:20:570:20:59

Oh, it starts conventionally. Yeah.

0:20:590:21:00

And then it becomes all macho and masculine.

0:21:000:21:03

Pat me on the back.

0:21:030:21:04

OK. Right, right. Yeah, OK.

0:21:040:21:06

You've got to pop your waistline out because you see where... No, no, no.

0:21:060:21:09

The other way.

0:21:090:21:10

-You can do it that way if you want.

-No, no. OK.

0:21:120:21:15

-So you're doing it really, really, really gentle.

-Yeah.

0:21:150:21:17

-You've got to go for it.

-Real sort of overt macho guy with it.

0:21:170:21:20

-Yeah. I'm a white, middle-aged man.

-Do it anyway.

0:21:200:21:23

That's my problem.

0:21:230:21:24

This is where it gets really awkward.

0:21:240:21:26

-Shall we try it?

-Hey, Frank! Yo!

-Hey! Hey! Hey!

0:21:260:21:30

I spent a week at a meditation centre, right,

0:21:370:21:42

and hugging was a very big part of it,

0:21:420:21:44

and there was a very specific style of hugging.

0:21:440:21:47

-John, do you want a hug with me?

-Yeah, why not?

-Yeah, OK.

0:21:470:21:50

-A hug?

-So, you have to bend your knees slightly,

0:21:500:21:53

but we have to interlock our knees like this.

0:21:530:21:56

This way?

0:21:570:21:58

Yeah, that's it. No, no, you have to get...

0:21:580:22:02

I'm loving it so far. And then we hug each other. Hold tight.

0:22:020:22:06

And then as I breathe out, you breathe in.

0:22:060:22:08

This is three times. Out you breathe.

0:22:080:22:10

Keep going.

0:22:100:22:12

One more for luck.

0:22:120:22:14

We'd get locked up for this.

0:22:160:22:18

That was lovely, wasn't it?

0:22:180:22:20

The idea is that we sort of breathe as one.

0:22:260:22:29

We become one person.

0:22:290:22:30

Did you feel that? Did it work for you?

0:22:300:22:32

I've never done it with clothes on before but...

0:22:320:22:36

But that one, you see, at least there is something to learn.

0:22:380:22:43

I feel like if I don't know the hip-hop handshake,

0:22:430:22:45

-I'm being a bit disrespectful or something.

-Well, here's the thing.

0:22:450:22:48

It's becoming more and more popular

0:22:480:22:50

and more and more people are doing it.

0:22:500:22:52

The point when I realised it was becoming an epidemic

0:22:520:22:54

was when I saw it at the Olympics,

0:22:540:22:56

where you had gold medallists from different countries

0:22:560:22:59

doing this weird handshake with each other,

0:22:590:23:01

like they were saying hello to Jay-Z and P. Diddy.

0:23:010:23:04

That shouldn't happen at the Olympics.

0:23:040:23:06

A normal handshake will do, and should do, I believe.

0:23:060:23:09

-Did it always flow?

-No.

0:23:090:23:12

That's the worst thing about it.

0:23:120:23:14

It's happened a couple of times to me, when I've met the JLS.

0:23:140:23:17

-Oh, yes.

-Ah.

0:23:170:23:19

And they went in for the handshake

0:23:190:23:21

and I went, "No, you're making me look like a fool because I don't know what to do."

0:23:210:23:25

Shall I be one of JLS and you be you,

0:23:250:23:26

and we show everyone what happened?

0:23:260:23:28

All right, because I won't be able to do it.

0:23:280:23:30

-All right. I'll be Marvin from JLS.

-Hi, Marvin. You all right?

0:23:300:23:33

-Hey, what's up?

-Hey.

-Hey, Miranda. Yo, what's up, baby? Uh, uh.

0:23:330:23:36

-It felt nice.

-Something awkward happens like that.

0:23:450:23:47

Do you know what? I had a dog that used to do that.

0:23:470:23:50

So, what is John's wildcard?

0:23:520:23:53

Spitting.

0:23:590:24:00

It is the most antisocial thing that people can do, I think,

0:24:010:24:05

in public, to, er, to spit.

0:24:050:24:07

I know in some parts of the world, it's accepted.

0:24:070:24:10

I mean, in China, everybody's spitting all the time.

0:24:100:24:13

That's a genuine Chinese sign.

0:24:130:24:15

-So it is.

-They're trying to actually discourage it.

0:24:150:24:17

It's such an unpleasant thing,

0:24:170:24:18

especially when it's a sportsman doing it, you know, footballers.

0:24:180:24:22

In the Olympic Games there was quite a bit of spitting

0:24:220:24:25

going on with the athletes in the marathon and things like that.

0:24:250:24:28

Did you see that one when Mo Farah won gold

0:24:280:24:31

and there was an American guy who I think got silver, and Mo Farah just...

0:24:310:24:35

You know they collapse on the track? The American guy spat on the track,

0:24:350:24:41

and Mo Farah was rolling, and he was getting closer and closer.

0:24:410:24:45

The whole nation was like this, "No, Mo, don't!"

0:24:450:24:48

Wayne Rooney has been caught spitting, hasn't he?

0:24:490:24:52

We've got a great... What about this? Look at this for a spit.

0:24:520:24:55

AUDIENCE: Ohh!

0:24:550:24:57

That was where they got the idea for these from.

0:24:570:25:01

OK. What's Miranda's wildcard?

0:25:040:25:08

LAUGHTER

0:25:130:25:15

Why did I suggest this? Um...

0:25:250:25:29

My breasts.

0:25:290:25:31

-Your breasts.

-Yeah.

0:25:310:25:35

You want to put them into Room 101?

0:25:360:25:38

Yeah. Please, please put them into Room 101.

0:25:380:25:40

The difficult thing about this, I feel, straight away,

0:25:400:25:43

is usually, I argue on behalf of the thing the person...

0:25:430:25:47

Have I got to sit here and say, "No, I think they're great"?

0:25:470:25:51

I'm going to feel like some kind of animal.

0:25:520:25:55

They're too big, basically, is the problem.

0:25:550:25:57

And quite often... I don't know if it's because I'm tall,

0:25:570:26:00

but I'm not joking, I regularly...

0:26:000:26:03

I just gently nudge people on their shoulder with my breast.

0:26:030:26:07

Yeah?

0:26:070:26:08

And it's always really awkward and I don't want to go, "Sorry",

0:26:080:26:11

in case they hadn't noticed.

0:26:110:26:13

That suggests a certain amount of swinging from side to side.

0:26:130:26:16

Well, that's the other problem with a large breast,

0:26:160:26:19

is that you've got to have a very, very good bra.

0:26:190:26:22

So then you've got to have the bra-measuring thing, which is a nightmare.

0:26:220:26:26

Then out of the bra... I mean we're talking, you know, two jellies sliding down a plate.

0:26:260:26:31

-I mean, it's not the best look.

-I'm so embarrassed.

-I know.

0:26:310:26:35

The other thing about them, and this...

0:26:350:26:37

There's not many real things in my sitcom, but this is real.

0:26:370:26:40

This happened to me,

0:26:400:26:41

that once when I was naked in bed and I rolled over, they clapped.

0:26:410:26:45

That's embarrassing.

0:26:550:26:56

I don't know if it's embarrassing. That's awesome.

0:26:560:26:59

This is unlikely, but what about if you hit on hard times?

0:27:020:27:05

You still have that lad mags photo shoot option.

0:27:050:27:08

-Really?

-Yeah.

0:27:080:27:09

I think it's nice to have something to fall forward on.

0:27:110:27:14

I've got, um, one last thing that I think will win you over,

0:27:150:27:18

and make you realise how beautiful your breasts are,

0:27:180:27:21

and that is a marrow carved in the shape of Miranda's breasts.

0:27:210:27:25

-There they are.

-That's hilarious.

0:27:250:27:28

Have I won you over to marrows now, John?

0:27:330:27:35

Just about.

0:27:350:27:37

You can stuff that one later. So...

0:27:370:27:39

OK, then, that is the wildcard round.

0:27:420:27:46

I don't think I can put your breasts in, Miranda,

0:27:460:27:50

because I just think that... How can I put this?

0:27:500:27:53

I think they seem to be quite nice.

0:27:530:27:55

LAUGHTER

0:27:570:27:58

And, um, I think the handshake, at least it is a friendly gesture.

0:28:010:28:07

I know it can be awkward,

0:28:070:28:08

but I like the fact that men are getting a bit more intimate.

0:28:080:28:11

-I enjoyed ours.

-Yeah, and it does express a bit of love.

0:28:110:28:14

It's hard to find a defence for spitting, though, I must say.

0:28:140:28:17

It does spread diseases and I don't think there is any need for it.

0:28:170:28:21

I am going to put spitting into Room 101.

0:28:210:28:23

APPLAUSE

0:28:230:28:25

And that brings us to the end of the show.

0:28:350:28:38

Well done, John. You were the most persuasive guest tonight so you are this week's winner.

0:28:380:28:42

Thank you.

0:28:420:28:43

OK. Thanks very much, Reggie Yates, Miranda Hart and John Craven,

0:28:470:28:51

and thank you. Good night!

0:28:510:28:52

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0:29:150:29:17

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