Episode 2 Room 101

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,

the show where three guests compete to have their biggest bugbears

banished for ever to the notorious vault.

Joining me tonight are former England cricketer, Phil Tufnell,

writer and broadcaster, Victoria Coren,

and national treasure, Sir Terry Wogan.

CHEERING

Can we have our first category?

Oh, it's sport.

So what winds up Terry about sport?

< That one.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

This is a finely worked piece here.

And it does sum up what I feel about sport.

It is exacerbated by the London Olympics.

Some poor fellow or girl would come out of the swimming pool

or off an athletics track drained of all emotion,

four to six years of training gone for nothing

because they'd come fourth or last.

Speechless with disappointment and exhaustion.

And a fellow like him sticks a microphone under their nose

and says, "How are you feeling?"

LAUGHTER

Yeah, there was a moment in the London Olympics when -

I don't know if you remember this - two guys, Purchase and Hunter, they were rowers,

and they got silver.

And John Inverdale interviewed them after

and they were in a terrible state. I mean, they were broken men.

And one of them said, "Ah, just sorry we've let everyone down."

And John Inverdale said, "You haven't let anyone down."

And I was sitting at home and I thought, "Well, steady on,

"John, I actually do feel a bit let down.

"Let's not go over the top, you know, silver...

-"Pfft!"

-LAUGHTER

Phil, I imagine you didn't work up much of a sweat, did you?

Well, no, not really. As you say, I was never out of breath, really.

I was a little spin bowler

and then just sat in the dressing room drinking tea and smoking fags

while we were batting.

Any young people watching...

Harold Larwood, the England fast bowler, when they brought out the drinks interval,

he used to have a pint of bitter.

Yes, so did some of the boys when I toured.

At my first test match we were out there, Lambie, big Botham, Gower.

The drinks break, they all come out and,

"Have a little drop of that, Tuffers.

"That'll make you feel better." Gin and tonic.

LAUGHTER

One of the things that was great about the Olympics -

apart from the sport which was an unfortunate by-product -

wasn't it nice that for all youngsters watching, there was

this sense of a new sort of hero.

They'd been watching these awful reality stars

and here was a type of person with goals and ambitions that were

more inspiring, for which you need to get some personality.

You need to hear some of the emotion.

If you just saw them doing the sport,

-you wouldn't get the same lesson in it.

-That was very good.

You sound like my sports psychologist. That was fantastic.

Do you have a sports psychologist?

No, I didn't go.

LAUGHTER

Maybe I'm being a begrudger,

but I just found it a little bit disheartening that people come off

not having done so well and they get a microphone.

Perhaps if they were allowed to rest for a little bit,

put their thoughts together

in the same way that Sir Alex Ferguson is always interviewed.

A considerable time after the game.

But he's still horrible.

But he's not out of breath.

That's true.

I can tell this is coming from a good place. That's fair enough.

OK, what is Phil's sports gripe?

Careful. There he comes.

Yes, the Australian cricket team from 1990 to 2002.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Does that coincide with your own career?

-It does, funnily enough.

-I thought it might.

They made my life a misery for 12 years.

I think five Ashes series I participated in. Won none.

Won the odd Test match, but we never won a series and, er,

you know, that side that we came up against, I think statistically,

was the best side that's ever played the game, and I managed to cop it.

The only thing you ever won in Australia was

-I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!

-It was.

But they knew it as well.

That's what really annoyed me about 'em.

It was hard not to notice for them, wasn't it?

I know, and they used to sledge you and they used to give you stick.

I mean, one of the best sledges, I think, was off Ian Healy.

He said to me, just as Shane Warne was coming up to bowl,

he said, "Oi, Tuffers, can you lend me your brain?

"I'm building an idiot."

Your batting average against Australia -

-do you know what that is?

-Erm...

Three?

-It's not quite that high.

-What, a little bit more?

-Not that high?

-It's 2.72.

2.72?!

For people who don't know about cricket,

Phil's fielding was quite legendary,

and just to give you an insight into what Phil's fielding was like,

we have a clip of him on The One Show,

which sort of is an echo of it.

This, in 1990, would have cost you 780 quid, right?

-Just one bottle?

-One bottle of that.

And now, if you wanted to flog that now - £23,000.

So, it's amazing and...

-Just think what you could do with that much money!

-I know. I know.

-Would you drink that?

-It's got like currency.

-I'd drink it, but I wouldn't buy it.

-Yeah.

-No, it's b... Oh!

LAUGHTER

PHIL LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY

Yes, what a beauty!

-But it was a scam.

-It was a scam.

Now, that was very expertly done, but a very fine gag.

I watched that at home and completely thought you'd knocked...

Maybe because I could remember this incident.

Oh, hello.

TONY GREIG: Oh, there's a mix-up, there's going to be a run-out!

LAUGHTER

Oh, my goodness gracious me!

You would not believe that that was possible.

He got so excited.

Sorry, Phil.

HE GROANS

That's the first time I've actually wanted to cry on a cricket field.

As an Australian bloke once said to me,

-AUSSIE ACCENT:

-"You were about as popular as a ginger-haired stepson."

OK, let's have a look at Victoria's sports hate.

I don't like people who are naked in public changing rooms.

I'm not comfortable with nudity when it's me alone in the bath.

I certainly don't want to be trying to put my clothes back on

in the gym, you know, appropriately, under a towel, sliding things on,

and someone just strolls past,

and it's usually somebody perfect - they go to the gym all the time -

all, you know, perky and completely hairless.

"Look at me, I'm perfect. Why don't you just kill yourself now?"

Don't they have cubicles in ladies'...

Is it open-plan in a ladies' changing room?

-There's lockers where your stuff is.

-But it's all out in the open, is it?

-Yeah, but you don't have to...

-I didn't know that.

I like the way when Phil said, "All in the..."

he did a bit of a swagger.

It's even worse in a blokes' gym, I imagine.

What do you mean, you "imagine"? You don't go?

No, I've been in one once.

But it's hard to compare, obviously.

With men... How can I put this delicately at this hour?

But with men, size is very much...

You know, with women, I don't know if women have made up their mind

about whether big breasts or small breasts are superior in any way.

With men, the votes have all been counted.

LAUGHTER

Well, I say it about ladies' changing rooms

cos that's where I am more often than in the men's.

You should get around more.

DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER

Men are exactly the same.

We all feel completely inadequate,

and then somebody walks in, bit like yourself...

Yes, I think I represent the small handful.

I have found, um, a way round it, and I would recommend this.

Now, this is a commercially available item.

We haven't had this made for the show or anything.

But you can take one of these into a dressing room...

..and, er, obviously by now you're getting a few stares, but...

So you just set this up, and then zip it down,

you go in with your, um, you know, your gear on...

Yeah.

And, um, you have all the privacy you need.

TOILET FLUSHES

LAUGHTER

But that's a genuine item that people, er... That people use.

-Good.

-Wondering what else was going to jump out then!

Yeah, that would have been better, wouldn't it,

if a girl had come out in a sequin leotard?

We don't have that kind of money.

LAUGHTER

OK, we come to the end of that round.

You've all argued your cases very well, I must say.

I, myself, suffer in dressing rooms,

through insecurity and horror and envy,

but I sort of think it's my problem,

rather than their problem,

and I know it's very tough for those losers being interviewed,

but I do like the drama of it,

and also I hate the Australian cricket team,

so I'm going to put them into Room 101.

CHEERING

Anyway, let's have our next category.

So, what winds Phil up about food and drink?

Ah!

Hors d'oeuvres. Would you like an hors d'oeuvre, Terry?

-I'd love one, but I've been warned against them.

-Yes, precisely.

I couldn't agree more.

No, hors d'oeuvres, can't sta... I don't think I've ever actually

enjoyed eating any single hors d'oeuvre in me life, to be fair.

-Really?

-You're at a posh do, aren't you,

with your DJ on and you're sitting there having a drink,

and there's this little chap with sort of a roof tile,

full of all this little sort of stuff coming round, and he goes,

"Would you like an hors d'oeuvre?" You go, "No."

They keep coming back. "Would you like an hors d'oeuvre?"

"No, can you leave me alone? I'm having a chat."

So eventually you go, "Well, OK, what are they?"

and the bloke goes, "Pfft! Dunno, but I wouldn't have one".

You know what I mean?

And they look disgusting, and so you eventually go,

"Oh, go on, I'll try one," and it's disgusting,

and you spend the next five minutes sort of going...

..and trying to find somewhere to spit it out. I can't stand 'em.

All you're doing is reinforcing your image as an unsophisticated lout.

-Well, no...

-LAUGHTER

I couldn't agree more.

I mean, what is wrong with a Twiglet?

That's a very good discussion point.

It's small food. No point of it.

Well, there's ways round this.

I mean, for a start, I wear the plate ring.

And then...

And then I can be chatting to someone in an animated fashion,

and I say, "Oh, there you go,"

and I even go so far as a finger fork.

These are all a way round it.

Well, I don't like big, bloating meals any more.

I like little delicate...

And you get to taste all sorts of different things.

I like them to start, and then I like the big, bloating meal afterwards.

OK! Well, you've got the best of all possible worlds.

OK, then. What doesn't Victoria like about food and drink?

Yes, I don't like the phrase "English breakfast tea".

It's that... It's just tea.

Something's happened the last few years,

I think, since the encroachment of these giant coffee places

trying to make you drink sort of huge American children's drinks.

And they're trying to trick us into thinking that tea isn't a thing.

They make it sound niche. They make it sound small.

They make it sound like you're a bit pernickety for wanting it.

No. Cup of tea. Call it by its simple name.

But you could easily end up with a cup of Lapsang Souchong.

Well, then you're entitled to throw it in the face of the person that brought it for you and say,

"I want normal tea."

I-I don't know if you're legally entitled to do that.

But it's... I think, for example,

it's very rude not to have in your house

the ingredients of a normal cup of tea.

You have to have those things in your house. It's rude not to.

But people think it's OK to offer tea when they just mean

they've got some strange thing they can make into a hot health drink.

Don't want it. Just tea.

LAUGHTER

Blimey!

This feels to me a bit like a sort of new age colonialism,

cos you're saying that all the Lapsang Souchongs and the Ceylons

and the Darjeelings are some sort of quirky splinter group.

You're a tea fascist, that's what you are.

This is what you should be drinking out of...

I mean, that is brilliant, but it's not a new colonialism.

It's a fight against the colonialism by the Americans.

-Everybody knows what I mean by those coffee chains...

-Oh, yeah.

..that come here, take over the high streets,

drive the little independent places out of business,

don't really pay any tax - we're getting nothing in return -

in return for being tricked into having giant drinks that

make us fat and rot our teeth and turn us gradually into Americans.

We're not even getting a penny in tax money, and the fight-back...

It's true, it's not just about drinking tea.

It's also about remembering who we are and being proud of it,

not in a fascist way,

in a little, local, quiet, polite, knitting,

how-are-you-over-the-garden-fence tea kind of way.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Do you ever use an infuser?

-No!

-No?

I put a tea bag in a cup and I pour boiling water on it.

This is called the TEA.Tanic.

LAUGHTER

And look - it hangs on the side so it's in sinking mode.

I would like to just check here that you used a glass cup

so that everyone could see the TEA.Tanic there,

not because you think it's acceptable to have a glass cup.

Well, y-you are very strict, Victoria, I must say.

My mum always used to say her dream was to have a see-through teapot

so she could watch all the mechanics of the tea brewing.

We were simple people, I'll be honest with you.

She also used to say,

"Don't put hot tea bags in the bin or you'll set it on fire."

What doesn't Terry like about food and drink?

There won't be anything.

Well, I wouldn't say I don't like crisps.

It's packaging. Not just packaging for...

-You know, tin of sardines, or your favourites, the pilchard...

-Ah, yes.

You put the finger in the ring thing,

dislocate your finger,

break your toenail,

damn thing comes away,

and you've got to get a tin opener anyway.

And it's all for a sardine.

-Mm.

-But if you take it even further,

I mean, when you get to my distinguished age...

FRANK TITTERS

..it becomes very difficult to open things.

-AUDIENCE:

-Awww!

Has anybody tried to break into a toothbrush lately?

LAUGHTER

You're in the bathroom, you think,

"Ah, I will restore my dentures to their pristine glory.

"I have a new toothbrush here."

Apparently, Terry, I'm told that the way to get into a toothbrush

is with a tin opener,

that a tin opener runs down the natural groove round the side

and then it comes out quite neatly.

-So, um...

-You turned out to be a bit of a smart aleck, didn't you?

-Yeah. I haven't tried it yet. I've got a tin opener.

-Oh.

A pretty sophisticated tin opener.

If I can get the packaging off!

I have scissors.

HE GROANS

Anyway, apparently that works.

You know those kind of bottles that you think,

"Oh, I'll just screw the top off it," but you can't.

You've got to press it down before you turn it round,

-and it still doesn't come off.

-Right.

There you are, without your vinegar for your chips...

FRANK CHUCKLES

-And it goes on for ever.

-It's difficult.

It's made me realise why old people get up so early,

cos they need about...

I like them to be a bit difficult,

cos is there any greater joy

than when your girlfriend passes you a bottle or a jar and says,

"Can you open this?" and you go...

And inside, obviously, you're really straining,

and you just pass it back casually like that,

but, really, your spirit is going, "Yes!"

I tend to hand the thing to me wife!

So, um, we come to the end of that round.

My goodness me, it's a good one, I tell you.

I like hors d'oeuvres,

and your argument is that you don't handle them very well,

but to remove them for everyone - I don't think that seems fair.

The trouble is you just can't hold on to anything, Phil. Simple as that.

I'm on my fourth wife.

-So you're not wrong.

-That's er...

And, Victoria, I know what you mean, but I do think

we have to accept there are many teas. They're not all weirdo teas.

They are proper tea leaves, and we need to distinguish them.

But I have to admit that as I get older,

life is becoming a war against packaging on food

and so many things, so I am going to put food packaging into Room 101.

Next category, please.

Ah, this is the wildcard round, so the gloves are off.

No categories to worry about.

You can just choose anything at all you don't like.

So, what is Victoria's wildcard?

I don't like windows that don't open,

or worse, that open slightly but not properly.

And people will know this if they travel for work,

because it's a particular kind of British hotel

that you'd never go and stay in for a holiday, but you're there,

and they've got a window, and it opens a little bit like that,

but not more, and if you ask them to open it some more,

they won't, but for your own safety.

If they're under the impression that everyone who wants to kill themselves would think,

"I'm so unhappy, I want to end it. Oh, the window doesn't open.

"I think I'll just devote my life to charitable works instead,"

then that's fine, if that's the reason.

I've stayed in that hotel, though, those hotels,

and after a couple of nights,

I fancied throwing meself out the window.

I know the one you mean.

You can still get stuff out of those slightly...

I mean, luckily for rock stars,

this has happened, along with the rise of the flatscreen TV.

I, um, I know a little tune about windows.

Ah!

You ready?

MICROSOFT WINDOWS OPENING TUNE

There is a serious point. I really mean this quite seriously.

It seems like a trivial thing, that the window doesn't open,

but it's part of a huge problem which is becoming OK to tell people

that something restrictive is for their own safety,

and the things to worry about being told it's for your own safety

are massive queues at airports, ID cards,

body scanners at the railway station, police carrying guns.

You're told it's for your own safety, but somehow,

whenever you hear those words, it's yourself being restricted

and somebody else taking control, and when I hear it,

I just want to smash my way through the window with a hammer.

LAUGHTER

It's a very fine line, all this, though, this thing about,

you know, we've got to have our rights and that.

Some people are not as bright as you

and they need protecting from their own foolishness.

You think there are people that are so stupid that you have to not allow them to open the window,

in case they don't know how to stay on the right side of it?

LAUGHTER

I could argue that perhaps I'm being a bit more broad-minded than you,

whereas your mind can only open this far.

So, what is Terry's wildcard?

"Research shows..."

"Research shows..."

I think it's best illustrated by coffee.

I have a small, er...

This may take some time.

LAUGHTER

"According to a Greek study, one cup of coffee a day

"could reduce your blood pressure.

"British research says it could keep you awake all night,

"which, according to Japanese research, is bad for your heart.

"Two cups a day, says the University of Florida,

"could keep Alzheimer's at bay,

"but according to a French researcher,

"could be dangerous if you're pregnant.

"A US study has found that three cups a day

"can lower the risk of gallstones,

"while another from Sweden reports that three cups

"may make a woman's breasts shrink.

"Meanwhile, down in Japan,

"researchers have found five coffees a day

"will reduce the risk of liver damage.

"On the other hand, it may lead to osteoporosis."

I think a cup of tea is the wisest thing.

Course, you needn't worry about any of these foods

cos you can't get through the packaging.

Exactly. And, of course,

I have my racing snake figure to think about as well.

But it is confusing. There used to be things that were good for you

and things that were bad for you, and that was it.

Do you remember this advert from my youth?

CROWD CHEERS

May I have your autograph, please, Mr Best? I've seen you on telly.

-And I've seen you on telly. You're Aunt Bet's nephew, aren't you?

-Yeah.

Remember that last match in Spain?

-Cor!

-Terrible game. Didn't have an egg for breakfast.

Well, there you are.

PHIL SPLUTTERS

But eggs were definitely good for you then, no doubt.

Milk was definitely good for you.

It was straightforward, but it has changed horribly.

I was always told that you can survive just on Guinness.

It's meant to be very good for you, Tel.

You should know about the Guinness. Like a drop of Guinness?

-As soon as I could afford to drink something else...

-You did.

OK, what is Phil's wildcard?

Yes!

Tips.

To tip, or not to tip?

That is the question.

Because I don't go to work... Or when I used to play cricket,

get a few wickets or something, and someone at the end of the day go,

"Listen, you did really well today, Phil.

"Here's a couple of quid. Go and have a drink."

You know what I mean? No-one used to tip me.

Whereas cricketers in Pakistan - it happens all the time.

I was in America the other day, and I went into a brasserie.

I sat down, I had a cup of coffee and a ham sandwich,

the bill's come up, it said US10, so I got 10 out.

I was in there for, you know, five minutes.

Put the US10 down, I walked out of the brasserie,

the bloke chased me down the road, with his mate, frogmarched me,

virtually, back to the place and said, "You haven't paid our tip."

Can I say I believe that, cos I've seen Phil play cricket,

and a man who worked in a brasserie would catch him easily.

Do you tip when it's already on the bill, and...

No.

I don't think it should be shared out amongst all the waiters either.

If I want to tip a good waiter, I want them to get...

-Mm.

-I don't want people who are perhaps rubbish getting the same tip as them.

It's like when... You know at the end of a Take That gig

and they come out and they all get the same applause.

It seems wrong.

Here's an example of a tip.

Damien Hirst, you know, the artist,

he got out of a cab and he gave the man this as a tip.

Signed. It says, "A great drive".

As well as the fare, he gave him that,

and the bloke put it up for auction, and it went for 4,500 quid!

-That's great.

-What about that for a tip?

-That's terrific.

So what I've started doing now is I give them... I say, "That's £7.80.

"A bloke went into a doctor's..."

OK, we come to the end of the wildcard round.

I think that we probably need windows to not open all the way,

because not everyone is as smart as you are, Victoria,

and we have to protect fools.

Those health fad things - they are annoying -

but I suppose it's because people are, at long last,

trying to get fitter and healthier

and thinking about what they eat and stuff like that.

So, although you were both excellent, I thought...

I thought you made a very good point about tipping.

It's a horrible story, Phil, about being chased,

so I am going to put tipping into Room 101.

And that brings us to the end of the show.

Well done, Phil, you were the most persuasive guest,

-so you are this week's winner.

-Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, thanks very much, Victoria Coren, Phil Tufnell

and Sir Terry Wogan, and thank you. Good night.