Episode 3 Room 101

APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,

the show where three guests compete to get their pet hates exiled for ever to the infamous vault.

Joining me tonight are broadcaster Janet Street Porter, explorer Ben Fogle and comedian Greg Davies.

APPLAUSE

OK, let's have our first category.

Film and Television.

So, what winds up Janet about film and television?

Extreme Fishing with Robson Green.

I'm sorry, it's already a popular choice.

That is your economy version of this programme.

Now, fishing is a quiet pastime. Men and women fish.

And it gives millions of people quiet, contemplative pleasure.

This programme is jingoistic, chauvinistic...

It's absolute rubbish.

He goes all over the world, catching loads of unnecessarily large and ugly fish,

which they line up on the deck,

and in the process he manages to be rude about whole continents, countries...

It's simplistic twaddle.

It's like Top Gear for fishermen.

It's one of those men's programmes.

I call it shed television.

I have to admit, I quite like it.

There will be people in the audience here and watching at home

that have never seen this programme.

So let's have a look at Extreme Fishing with Robson Green.

Please, please, stay on the line, man!

I beg you, stay on the line.

PROLONGED GRUNTING

PANTING AND GRUNTING

You did it, man! Woo-hoo-hoo!

Look at the size of that fish!

That's a 500lb fish.

A blue marlin.

The majority of the footage looked like a man having a difficult poo.

LAUGHTER

I would definitely watch Extreme Pooing with Robson Green.

ONLY if it was with Robson Green!

Of course!

Apparently, before Robson Green was on board they were going to have Abu Hamza present it.

LAUGHTER

They'd save quite a lot of money on tackle.

There's something I like about his enthusiasm, though.

He seems to really have a brilliant time.

That level of hyperbole,

that level of orgasmic enthusiasm, never lets up.

-We're allowed programmes like that.

-Maybe you don't see it, Frank.

-Surely...

-Oh, you are, by the way...

-I knew it!

I knew we'd get there!

You're just the upper class version of that.

Oh! Oh! You've... You've played your class card rather early.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

OK, then, what doesn't Ben Fogle like about TV and film?

What I absolutely can't stand...

Is it when the vertical hold goes on the telly?

Can anyone guess?

Multi-channel TV.

When you have so many channels, that you can choose from, that you can't settle on one.

Call me old-fashioned, but I grew up in a time when we pretty much had the four channels and that was it.

Now you go on and you have to go through all the terrestrial channels,

then you have all of the cable channels, then plus-one,

then you have 3-D, then you have HD, then you have minus-one,

and then, just as your wife's about to get in, you go into the adult channels

and she comes in just as you get to Essex Babes and...er...

and it's a complete nightmare.

Now what I like about it, Ben, is that there IS a channel called Essex Babes.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

You haven't just made that up, have you?

534, I think.

I like that fact that you feel the need to go through all the channels before you get to Essex Babes.

You can jump straight to that, you know that?

But you go through them all and then half of them have adverts so you then have to jump back.

And the bottom line is, there's still absolutely nothing to watch.

But I've got the 3-D channel, and I wouldn't want to give that up.

-But then you have to put glasses on.

-But that's brilliant!

And you have to go through the whole process and it makes you all dizzy...

But in my flat, the flats kind of look in on each other a bit.

And I love the fact that my neighbours think I'm living a sort of Reservoir Dogs lifestyle,

cos I've got about eight mates all in shades in the evenings,

all just sitting around in there. It must look brilliant.

That fact that we're watching Puss in Boots is neither here nor there.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

But, yeah, that would go?

I firmly think we need to go back to a day where less is more,

we have fewer channels, and we just improve the quality overall.

People don't turn on the television for high quality. They want rubbish.

It's like eating a diet. You don't want to eat rich food all the time,

you want to eat rubbish, as well.

And in your world - you're being very, if you don't mind me doing the class card again...

Here we go again!

It's a bit dictatorial to say let's go back to four channels and let's not give people choice,

-it's their human right to have choice.

-Oh, blimey!

You've just been saying we can't have male TV,

and yet you do a show where lots of women sit around whinging at each other all day.

You're allowed to have that!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I'm not going to even retaliate.

But when you are going through all those multi-channels,

-you do get captivated, caught up, for a couple of minutes...

-Yeah.

..then you move to the next one. But you don't watch anything.

But that's the joy of it.

You watch a bit. You can just sit at home like this.

# I... will...

All human life!

-APPLAUSE

-But you've just...

Anyway, what is Greg's TV and film dislike?

It's unnecessary interviews with the public.

And I'm a big fan of the general public,

but, um, there are times when we don't need to talk to them.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

I was watching some of the Jubilee footage

and a reporter went over to a couple who were dressed from head to foot in Union Jacks -

Union Jack hat and jacket and shoes -

I don't even know where you get those from!

And his opening question was, "Are you here to see the Jubilee?"

That's the start of the interview.

And OF COURSE that's what they're here for!

And then he went, "What are you most looking forward to?"

And they were obviously cross-eyed lunatics, and they were...

"Oh, we're looking forward to seeing the Queen." All right, brilliant, that's incisive.

The interview, I swear, went on for 10 minutes.

By the end of it he was, "What part of the Queen are you most...?"

LAUGHTER

"Are you looking forward to seeing her hands?"

And they were really trying...

"We're looking forward to seeing what sort of hat she's got on." Really?!

"What colour hat might the Queen have? She might have red.

"She might have... Maybe she'll have a yellow hat!" Shut up!

LAUGHTER

If it's dead telly time... Like if sportsperson does really well,

they always take a camera to the pub in that person's home town, right?

And they're expecting to get incisive commentary about how well this athlete's done,

just because these people live in their town.

Oh, well done, Jessica Ennis has done an amazing thing.

We're here talking to Barry, who is a butcher in the same town

that Jessica Ennis happened to grow up in. He's never met her. "Barry, what do you think of Jessica's...?"

"I think it's amazing!"

"It's amazing what Jessica's done."

"Have you ever met Jessica?" "No!"

"You seem to have been celebrating for a long time."

"I've drunk 30 pints."

"I can't see!"

"This eye has shut down."

Unfortunately, you're selling it really well.

I have to say though, I find it very reassuring that people don't know about stuff.

Because have you ever been in the pub and you're having a conversation,

you're all really involved and enjoying it,

and then there's one bloke who actually knows about the topic and it really spoils it.

So I sort of wrap myself in the warm blanket of ignorance, when I'm watching this.

And I'm glad we're all ignorant together.

Listening to everyone talk though

I want to know what the audience think about what we're talking about.

I want a vox pop from the audience.

Sorry, Ben, that's just not going to happen.

-LAUGHTER

-I want one!

But my point is, that's because people don't want to hear experts,

they want to hear people like themselves talking about things.

I would say, if you didn't get random vox pops on the telly,

you would never have got this...

REPORTER: My friend, the zombie, Jonathan, you're looking good.

Jonathan just got an awesome face paint job. What do you think?

I like turtles!

All right, you're a great zombie!

Good times here at the Waterfront Village...

LAUGHTER AND LIGHT APPLAUSE

Very good.

I take it all back!

Anyway...

LAUGHTER

..we come to the end of that round.

First of all, I can't possibly put in multi-channel TV.

What would I do with my nights?!

And I'm glad that Robson Green has found a job that he likes and stuff.

I don't like the idea of him being alone and listless,

so I think it's good, and people do like it.

I think you're right that, sometimes,

members of the public are horribly put on the spot by vox pops,

and it needs to stop.

So, I'm going to put interviews with members of the public into Room 101.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Anyway, let's have our next category.

What kind of people doesn't Ben like?

People who use suitcases on wheels.

LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's so annoying!

See, it's divided already.

But, just looking at this person makes my heart start pounding.

These are weapons! These ARE weapons.

They pull them around and up station platforms, through airports,

and they try and trip you up. You can't get past them...

and look how small they are!

Obviously, probably, most people use one slightly larger than this one.

But, often, they really are just about large enough for a pair of pants.

-They are small.

-Well, what do you want us to carry our luggage in?!

Just carry it in a bag. Pick it up.

Oh, just carry it in one of your posh little weekend leather holdalls?!

LAUGHTER

Oh, Janet!

Well, I'm sorry!

I travel a lot, and if I did not have a wheelie bag,

I would have put my back out numerous times.

I just think...you're horrible.

LAUGHTER

I have to say, I'm totally with Ben on this. Totally.

I think civilisation began with the wheel

and now it's ending with it.

You don't need to put your pants in a little...

But you're talking man speak.

I can see you're a rugged adventurer,

and you probably travel for three weeks with one pair of pants

and, you know, bare minimum.

Most of us like choice.

You've already said you don't like choice in TV channels.

We like choice in clothes too, as well as television,

and that requires packing stuff in bags that's a little bit, sometimes, too heavy to carry.

And also, it's putting a lot of people out of work.

I'd have thought, with a surname like yours, you'd be a bit more loyal!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Look at this! This is what I've started walking round with.

I mean, in the end, if you can't beat them, join them.

This is my wallet.

LAUGHTER

-Your wallet!

-That's how it's getting.

I tell you, this has been my style for years,

and I'm going to stick with it.

I carry one of these, and when I'm in a queue,

this is what I do....

-Right, so, I'm in the queue. We move along a bit.

-Kick it with your foot.

-There you go! That is how you do it!

-It's a grand tradition!

-Shuffle it along?

-Yeah! And I love that. You don't need wheels.

-I agree.

-And they walk right across you, don't they?

-They do! Exactly.

-They forget they've got it.

Also, you know that classic moment in The Exorcist,

where the exorcist turns up?

You know that fabulous, iconic picture?

Just imagine how that would be now.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Rubbish!

Anyway, what kind of people wind up Janet?

Right, what really winds me up

is women who want to be treated like "ladies."

And by that, I mean women who want men to open doors for them,

women who want men to stand up when they come into the room,

or to show them to their seats...

That whole selective feminism, it really, really annoys me.

OK. I thought you were pro-choice?

I am pro-choice, but I think if you're going to be a strong female and you want equality,

you're not going to get too wound up about whether men open doors for you,

and if you go on the Underground or go on a train,

why should a bloke get up for you?

I agree. I don't stand up for women on buses and trains.

It's borderline for some pensioners...

LAUGHTER

I've got to see proof that they're in trouble before I get up.

I'm a pensioner, and I wouldn't want you to stand up, no.

Thank you, Janet. And I wouldn't.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, what if you'd been on the Titanic, and they said,

"Women and children first"?

Would you have said, "Don't patronise me"?

LAUGHTER

Was that your attempt to be me?!

I don't think a career in Dead Ringers awaits you.

-But...

-Yeah?

-I would hold the door open for you any time.

-Oh, don't...

But I'd also hold the door open for Ben and for Greg.

Oh, that's fine, if you hold the door open for all of us. But not just me.

I'd hold the door open for Piers Morgan!

LAUGHTER

If it was a trap door, and he was being hanged at the time.

APPLAUSE

This is the other extreme, I would say.

This is an Australian guy,

who set up a series of street signs for his girlfriend

as she drove home.

LAUGHTER

GASPING

-That is genuine, as well!

-No!

That is fantastic!

LAUGHTER

Oh! What kind of people wind up Greg?

Well, it's not people, really. It's just a man.

-OK.

-LAUGHTER

I go really regularly to the same town in Spain on holiday,

and there's just this old bloke who really hates me there.

LAUGHTER

Yeah?

LAUGHTER

He's about 85 and he looks like the deceased actor, Ernest Borgnine.

How do you know that he hates you?

It started off quite subtly, that I would...

He always sits on the same corner, and the house where I stay,

his house is on the road for me to get to it,

so I have to go past his house every time I come down.

And it started off, I would just drive past and he would do this...

LAUGHTER

-And I thought...

-You do that they drive on the right, don't you?

Yeah! But I thought I was being paranoid,

and all my family would say, "Oh, no, you're imagining it."

But then, it escalated, so that I would drive past,

and I'm not exaggerating, I've never said a word to this man,

I would drive past and just glance at him, and he would do this...

HE GROWLS

LAUGHTER

..which no normal human being does.

I really hate him!

Is it because you're the only non-Spanish person in the town?

He doesn't know I'm not Spanish. I've never spoken to him.

But you don't behave in a way that sounds very Spanish, or local.

You're behaving in quite an aggressive way.

What should I do? I should drive past him with castanets...?

LAUGHTER

..eating some meat and cheese? "Ey!"

And you're sure you're not just misreading his body language?

You can't misread this! You can't misread this, Ben!

HE GROWLS

Usually, you find that the Spanish are a very warm, friendly...

I mean, I'm basing this totally on the man from Del Monte,

-but they're a very positive...

-I've done controlled tests, Frank.

I sent a friend down without me, right?

Maybe I've gone too far...

but I hid at the top of the street, and my friend drove past him,

and my friend, who is very clearly English, went, "Beep, beep!"

and he went, "Ey!"

LAUGHTER

I swear to God, it's awful!

He's generally just absolutely, totally happy with life.

I've observed him from distance.

He's, like, with his family, all the kids, "Ey!"

"Oh, look at Grandad, he's such a great laugh!"

I drive past...

Well, we did try to get him tonight,

but it turns out he's on Spanish television tonight,

putting Greg Davies into Room Kera Uno...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Well, you argue your case well, because nobody wants to be hated,

and I do also know exactly what Janet means,

and I sympathise with her argument,

because you do feel that people are letting the side down a bit.

But, I feel so passionately and strongly about suitcases on wheels

that I cannot go against Ben.

I'm going to put suitcases with wheels into Room 101!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next category, please!

OK. This is the wild card round, so there's no limitations now.

You can pick anything at all that you don't like.

So, what is Ben's wild card?

Umbrellas.

But it's not just the umbrella itself,

it's people that don't know how to drive an umbrella,

if that's the term I can use.

I personally think that when you get an umbrella,

you should actually have to pass a little licence

about how to use an umbrella.

Because you'll be walking down the street,

and shorter people with umbrellas go flying down the pavement,

and these pointy bits here poke you in the eyes, they...

they jab you in the ribs.

But also, if you are using an umbrella, you get caught in narrow bits...

especially if you're in the street in London, there's trees,

you have to pull it down a little bit, you get soaking wet,

you inevitably end up sharing it,

because I like to share it with the person I'm with,

so half of you gets soaking wet. I don't see the point.

Unless you're Greg's size and you can hold it

so you're like Jack and the Beanstalk and you can shelter everyone in London,

there's no point in having an umbrella.

-Which I could do.

-LAUGHTER

Well, what I do, my normal method is, if I've got the umbrella,

as I get nearer to people, I hold it high, high, high, like that.

That's good umbrella driving. You'd pass your test.

Yes, so it doesn't touch them. But I was doing that and I got home,

I was being followed by 30 Japanese tourists.

LAUGHTER

Ben, 15 years ago, I saw something, and I thought,

"This will change the world."

This is, you know, it's a game-changer.

-I've seen these.

-LAUGHTER

It was the umbrella hat.

And I'm not kidding you, but when I saw it, I thought,

"That's the answer, isn't it?"

Can I say, I actually agree with that.

I think that is a very useful piece of kit.

I don't know about you. I play a lot of outdoor accordion...

LAUGHTER

..and it's perfect for that.

And also, what about the deaf?

When the deaf are out and it's raining,

they have to do the first part of the sentence with one hand and then change...

LAUGHTER

With this, you can sign absolutely fluently.

I really approve of that. You see, I would like to keep those.

Yes, I'm glad we agree on that.

Can I have that later?

-Could we set up a small business together?

-We could.

-SHE SIGHS

-I think that would be excellent.

"Umbrellas for the deaf by Fogle and Skinner?!"

-LAUGHTER

-Yeah!

Where do I sign for my investment?

LAUGHTER

Anyway, what is Greg's wild card?

LAUGHTER

It's friends who develop new interests and hobbies.

LAUGHTER

It just really winds me up when you get to a certain age that suddenly,

someone you've known you were a kid is suddenly "into" something.

I just find it...I just think there should be a cut-off point.

You're allowed to develop interests up until the age of about 22,

and from that point onwards, you just stay the same.

I have friends who go, "Oh, of course, I'm into cycling now."

Oh, are you? Are you into cycling? Fascinating(!)

LAUGHTER

I would be a terrible friend for you, in that respect,

because I have had lessons and done hobbies like...

I've done tango, ice skating, drawing, horse riding, meditation...

I've done taxidermy, I've done... I've done yoga, Pilates...

-Have you?!

-I've done French, German...

I think, the moral of this is, you can stop drinking, but you never replace it.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But I believe you should always be having lessons in something

at any stage in your life, and I've always got a hobby on the go.

I'm all for people having new hobbies and interests.

I just want them never to talk to me about them, that's all.

Have you got any hobbies?

No, I'm a fairly lonely character, actually.

LAUGHTER

We have a clip. This is, I think, arguably,

the most marvellous hobby anyone could have.

LAUGHTER

-Come on!

-You'd want to hear about a hobby like that!

Let me make it perfectly clear.

If a friend said to me, "Greg, I've got a new hobby,

"it's dressing live squirrels in human clothes,"

I'd go, "Tell me more about it!"

LAUGHTER

Exactly!

"And tell me about the medical treatment

"that you personally receive."

It's just finding the right hobby, it's as simple as that.

OK, what Janet's wild card?

I've chosen local news.

Really, I'm talking about local news bulletins on the television,

where the areas they cover are so big,

like BBC Newsroom South East

seems to range from Dover to Eastbourne to Chatham,

and it always involves one murder, one cat lost somewhere,

a blocked drain, and a rugby match.

And you've wasted ten minutes of your time

and you know absolutely nothing about what's happened in your area.

I spend quite a lot of time in Whitstable,

and the staple diet of the local newspapers is,

"Should we have one-way traffic in the High Street?"

And that has been the main news story now for ten years.

LAUGHTER It's amazing!

Our local newspaper, when I was a kid,

was called The Smethwick Telephone.

And I've no idea why it was called The Telephone,

and I remember I was on stage in Birmingham, and I said,

"I don't know why it was called The Smethwick Telephone,"

and this bloke said, "Cos it was from Smethwick."

LAUGHTER

But, my favourite thing about local newspapers...

I don't how this started,

but it's the idea that every picture tells a story,

so every photograph has to tell the complete story,

like people can't read.

So, I'm just read you a few local news stories,

and we'll show the accompanying picture.

"A heavily pregnant woman was refused bus travel

"because she had too many five pence pieces."

LAUGHTER

It's the whole story there!

"Residents are warning that someone will be seriously injured on pot-holed road."

LAUGHTER

"Hoteliers complain about noise levels from North Pier, Blackpool."

LAUGHTER

And, "Man discovers a 21-inch, three-and-a-half pound cucumber in his greenhouse."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Anyway, we come to the end of that round,

and this is a tough one for me, cos I kind of like all these things.

And I can't put friends' hobbies in,

because I love obsessives and all kinds, and I'm a big hobbies fan,

and umbrellas, I like the whole thing of having an umbrella

and having it hanging on your arm

and pressing buttons and all that stuff.

I also really like local news,

but I admit, TV local news can go a bit rubbish.

So, although I don't want to get rid of the newspapers,

I am going to put local TV news into Room 101.

Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So...

..that brings us to the end of the show, and well done, Greg,

you were the most persuasive guest tonight,

-so you are this week's winner!

-Oh, thank you!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You did brilliantly well, all three of you.

Thank you very much, Greg Davies, Ben Fogle and Janet Street-Porter.

And thank you, goodnight!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd