Episode 4 Room 101

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello. I'm Frank Skinner. Welcome to Room 101,

the show where three guests compete to get their pet hates exiled forever

to the dark vault that is Room 101.

Joining me tonight are TV Dragon Deborah Meaden,

pop star Paloma Faith and comedian Jason Manford.

OK, let's kick off. Shall we have our first category, please?

Shopping. OK.

So what doesn't Deborah like about shopping?

Cue.

This is people who don't get their money out or ready until the...

AUDIENCE APPROVAL

..until the cashier actually says, "That's £50, please",

and they look really surprised. "Oh? I've got to pay?"

Having watched all of their goods come through.

It's all right for you, Deborah. You keep all your money in a big pile on the table!

What if they have to rush through to pack

so then they don't have time to get their wallet. That always happens to me.

Ah, well, I'm usually ahead of the cashier.

-I'm like that.

-And I'm that person...

-Of course you are!

I am that person who...

I imagine you're a person who's an impatient person who has things to do.

-Is that fair to say?

-I don't know if I'm impatient, but I'm...

-No, you don't sound at all impatient(!)

-Not at all, no.

I'm very relaxed about things.

No, but I am prepared

and it's not a surprise that if you've bought a lot of goods that they're going to ask for your money.

But their money's in their bag. It's easy for you, cos you've got more of it!

It's easy for you to find.

Some people are trying to... "Oh, I can't find my money cos I'm on minimum wage."

-Oh!

-So...

-Don't go for the sympathy vote. He's really competitive.

-I'm just saying...

-Do not go for the sympathy vote!

No, I think it's a good point...

Jason is not on minimum wage, you do know that?

Too right!

Don't let that shirt fool you, Deborah!

I'm like you. I'm ahead of the game.

I get to a point where I'm annoyed, when I put my card in the chip and pin machine,

if they tell me, "Just put your number in there."

"I know how it works! I've had this for..." "Put your number in."

"I know! I know what to do!"

"You can take it out now." "I know! It says, 'Take it out'!

"I wasn't gonna leave it here, was I?"

I think they're both a bit up-tight.

I wonder if they're thinking, "That's Deborah Meaden in the queue behind us.

"If we take ages to get the money, she might say, "Oh, I'll pay."

The cashier helps, doesn't he, sometimes.

He's like, "Want any help with your packing?"

And you always say no. You go, "I'm all right, really."

Even though there's loads of it. You go, "I'm all right."

And they look at you like you've insulted their skills.

They look at you like, "OK. Let's see how we manage it triple speed."

Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!

OK. What is Paloma's shopping hate?

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

All go the crowd!

Ugg boots.

This is an actual item of shopping.

Ugg stands for ugly!

Everyone seems to like them

and their justification for it is, "But they're comfortable."

Well, look at me.

That does not factor in my system.

That is not good enough in my book.

I actually have a rule that if anybody turns up to work for me in these,

they immediately will get fired.

Wow!

And how many industrial tribunals have you been taken to?

They make people walk in a lazy way.

Like, if you lazily wear Ugg boots,

you might become lazy in every other area of your life.

I get your point!

-I daren't say it!

-She's got some, I know!

I wear them all the time. When I'm not wearing these,

I wear those. And you're gonna hate... You're gonna hate this,

crocs.

Oh, they were the other ones!

Hold on. You said that these make people walk lazy

and then they become lazy in everyday life.

-That's what you're saying.

-Yeah... Well, she's the proof.

-Deborah.

-I get it.

How many businesses do you run?

-19 at the moment.

-19 businesses.

-Aside from that...

-Apart from...

They're just ugly.

Aside from actual proof!

OK, maybe that's wrong. Maybe that's a sweeping statement.

But, yeah, I'm happy to admit that that might be wrong.

-Let's see what's in my one, then!

-My main point...

I just think that they're really unattractive and ugly and horrible.

Have you actually worn a pair?

-I would never.

-I feel, like you say, you can't judge a man till you've walked in his shoes.

-True.

-Shall I try them on?

-It's only fair.

-Yeah, try 'em on!

Please, whoever's at home, do not freeze-frame this

and put it in some silly gossip column!

I hate it already.

I hate it!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

WOLF WHISTLE

You look great!

Can you take them off? I don't like them.

I think they look quite sexy.

I find them horrible and repulsive and they're too hot.

We've got a picture of Raquel Welch looking great in Uggs.

That's what I look like at home!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Let's talk about comfort. I think this could change your mind.

The new invention is this, right?

It's called a pillow hat.

There you go.

Can you still hear me?

Now this is... When I was a drinking man,

this would have been really handy.

Cos when I used to go to the urinal in the 1980s,

I used to stand like this!

LAUGHTER

-I love it.

-I get the same feeling about that as I do about Ugg boots.

Yeah. You look like a dead Teletubby!

It's fine!

OK. What doesn't Jason like about shopping?

It's this shop

on the high street, called Lush.

Ah, yes.

CHEERING

Even if you don't want hand-made soap,

and you don't want any involvement in the shop,

the smell from the shop spills out onto the street.

And not in a good way, like Greggs!

And, I tell you, it's like you've been punched in the nose

by a mango or something. I don't know what...

All the soaps are like "Fun Green",

"Fun Pink" and "Mango and Lime".

I just want to wash my bits, I don't need one of my five a day!

I mean, not in the shop, don't get me wrong.

I just find it odd. I suppose as a bloke,

I just grab some soap or some shower gel or whatever, and wash in it.

I don't really focus on the types

and I don't need it to smell a certain way.

I don't even... I made the mistake - have you used that mint and tea tree shower gel?

Have you used that?

No. I usually... I'm a soap man.

-That's the one that makes you go all...

-It's the coldest thing you've ever put on your body in your life.

Up here, it's all right. Down there, it's like a polar bear's having a lick.

Freezing. Freezing.

Well, I'm a big soap fan, I must say.

I had apple and laburnum, I was using recently.

-What?!

-Yeah.

-I only know what half of that is!

I actually got a scratch on my back

from a bit of branch that was in the soap.

-You liked that? That was...

-That's what I told my girlfriend, anyway.

I think that's it for shopping, isn't it?

Well, I like fancy soaps, so I'm drawn to this place.

And I think women certainly look great in Uggs.

I thought you looked great in Uggs when you put them on.

So I'm afraid I do get annoyed by people that don't have their change ready

so I am going to put people who don't have their change ready at the till into Room 101.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Anyway, let's have our next category.

What kind of people wind up Paloma?

This is quite clever, this prop.

Jobsworths.

It's a mathematical sign for "more than".

It's more than my job's worth.

AUDIENCE: Ooh-hoo!

The thing that irritates me really

is people who are doing their job

and they take their power too seriously.

And there's no like consideration for the fact that you're a human being.

The kind of jobsworths I'm talking about are like,

Immigration, when you aren't part of that country.

And they're really enjoying saying, "Stand behind the yellow line."

And your foot's an inch over it

and they're like, "Please stand behind the line, ma'am."

And I'm just like...

And, um, traffic wardens.

They love to do that.

"You have to move on." It's all like, "Sorry, but it's my job."

And that's what they say.

But why are you parked there? Do you know what I mean?

I had a jobsworth. A barman, or landlord, where I went into the pub

just to use the toilet.

I just needed a loo, I didn't need a drink.

I just thought I'd just use the loo.

And he said, "The toilets are for customers only."

And I said, "Well, I have been a customer here, once.

"And I didn't use the loo.

"So..."

I've had experiences with traffic wardens in particular,

where you've realised that they're being really unhelpful

and then suddenly you just go to him,

"Mate, if I give you 20 quid",

and they go, "All right."

Wow, where's this?

-So you know they were just being belligerent on purpose.

-I'm so glad you said that on TV, Paloma(!)

Yes, and of course there is bribery.

That is one way around it.

I think it's a Ying and Yang thing.

These people, if there weren't people like that

who are following rules and are very stiff and unbending,

then people like you with your wacky, colourful, anarchic sense

wouldn't exist. You need Ying and Yang. You need the balance.

But do you think it's harmful for somebody's foot to be an inch over the yellow line?

-Rules is rules.

-It can be an inch one day...

Oh, God, I bet you're a Tory voter!

Guess who's not gonna win this round?

OK. What sort of people wind up Jason?

People in lifts.

They just wind me up. I don't know what it is.

I spend a lot of time in hotels and find myself in lifts quite a lot.

It's the only time you say good night to a stranger, for some reason.

You get out of a lift. "Good night." "Why have I done that? It's weird."

Then you get the bloke on the ground floor who goes,

he gets nearest the buttons and he goes, "What floor?"

And you go, "You're not in charge of the lift. Why have you...

-"You've got no more... You've got no more..."

-He's trying to be helpful.

"You've got no more right to those buttons than I have."

You'd be a miserable contestant on Countdown!

"I'll move my own numbers, thank you very much!"

I just don't like the presumption. I don't like it.

The ones that get me, when you're waiting to cross the road and you're at a pelican crossing.

And you've been there for ages and someone comes and presses the button,

even though it's got "Wait" lit up

and you've clicked, like you're too stupid and you would have stood there

and not pressed the button! How insulting! And worst of all,

is when you haven't pressed the button!

I didn't realise how dangerous lifts could be.

This is a safety instructions diagram

warning people about - and it's a genuine thing -

for taking a wheelie bin into a lift.

Could that really happen?

That's brilliant.

That is brilliant.

Anyway, what is Deborah's "People" choice?

It's people who say, "With all due respect".

Because what that actually means is, "Brace yourself,

"cos I've got your 'Get out of jail free' card

"and whatever I say next, you're not gonna like it

"and I have no respect for you whatsoever."

-That is true.

-Hmm.

They never quantify how much respect you are actually due.

No, but you know it's none!

You know underneath that, it's none.

The other phrase that gets me is people who say, again, a phrase that means nothing,

"I just live each day as it comes."

But like we all do! That's the whole thing!

That's the only option, isn't it?

"Oh, no, not me. I like to save seven or eight days up and then use them all at once!"

I'm amazed, Deborah, that anyone would dare say this to you.

Cos aren't you usually the boss in these situations?

Actually, I've had someone say it in the Den, just the once, very early on.

And actually somebody said - it was a really smooth pitch -

and it was this really confident guy,

and I remember just asking him a question,

proffering it in a way that I kind of, "Doesn't that happen?"

and it was, "With all due respect..."

-and you could just feel the tension.

-Oh!

-Exactly.

That's what happened! Five Dragons all went... Like that.

So he didn't get an investment. And nobody's done it again.

I used to do that thing where... Well, I say a thing.

I might be the only person who ever did it!

Where I'd be ringing up, you know, one of the power companies or something,

complaining about money or whatever.

And at the end of the conversation, I'd be really angry and say,

"I want the money back in my account now! Right. OK. Love you. Bye."

"Oh, no!"

I'd just told Norweb I love them!

OK. That brings us to the end of that round.

I am not gonna put in "people in lifts",

because I think they're trying to be nice to you,

they're trying to press the buttons to help you out.

I think you're the bad guy in this story!

-And Deborah, with all due respect...

-Oh, no!

I think you're being a bit touchy

about people who feel they need to tell you something but are a bit frightened.

-Really?

-However, I do agree there are some people who have no flexibility

and they can really make life miserable.

So I am going to put "Jobsworths" into Room 101.

OK, next category, please!

It's the Wildcard category, which means there are no restraints, no categories.

You can just choose anything at all that you don't like.

So, what is Jason's wildcard?

It is little cars that hide behind big cars.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Oh, look!

"We've got a space! We've got a space!

-"Oh, you little..."

-LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

It winds me up.

There's no reason not to park here, and then we'd know.

I've had to make a decision now. Get here. Oh, great(!)

It's even worse when you're the passenger and you go, "I've seen one. I've seen one."

Then you just like an idiot to the rest of the car.

Like you can't see a car.

I think most of those little cars are best for the environment.

-Right.

-So actually I think it's the big cars that are the problem.

-Really?

-If more people had little cars,

everyone would see each other and the environment would be a better place.

I find parking difficult at the best of times.

-Hmm.

-I failed my driving test six times. So...

Oh, yeah, laugh. I cried myself to sleep!

I remember one of them was parallel parking.

He said, "Can you put your car between that red car and that blue car?"

And I said no.

I don't live there. I mean, why do they do that? "Park it there."

"I'll tell you what. Let's find a proper space and we'll walk back, if you're bothered."

That's what I do in real life!

Yeah. Though I do that thing, if I park, and then walk to the place I'm going,

-and I see another space, I always say, "I could have parked there."

-That is annoying.

In a car park, why don't they have a system

where, when you go into the car park, you're given a number

like at a deli counter

and that is the number of your parking bay

and you just drive straight there and park.

That's genius. Hang on.

Deborah, you should get on this.

Actually, I was sitting there thinking, "That seems like a very good idea."

-It's a brilliant idea.

-You just said it on national TV now.

Then as you leave, you'd clock out so they'd know that bay was now empty.

That is a very good idea. Mind, you'd have to know where the bay is.

You'd have to kind of know your car park.

It would be in numerical order.

That's a good idea. That is brilliant.

-Gosh, he's good!

-I didn't tell you about that particular detail!

Now this is the best piece of parking I think I've ever seen.

MAN: Nice parking!

Brilliant.

Anyway, what is Deborah's wildcard?

It is smart casual.

Smart...casual.

How does that work? What does that mean on invitations?

Is it smart...

or is it casual?

Smart-casual.

But it's easier for men than for women.

Cos it changes according to the group of friends.

Some groups of friends, if you say smart casual, I turn up in jeans with something sparkly on top.

And she's wearing top-to-toe sequins.

-So it changes all the time.

-If you're friends with Shirley Bassey, that's going to happen.

I got invited to a wedding a little while ago.

It said, "Dress code - fabulous."

-I mean, what's that?

-What did you wear? Please, tell me what you wore.

I just didn't go. That was that.

Cos I don't know what that is.

Tonight, I am wearing what I think is probably the ultimate smart casual.

They're called cord-arounds.

I'm going to show you these.

These are corduroy trousers

but the cord, instead of going straight down...

-Goes around!

-..is horizontal.

-Ooh, look at that!

-Can you see that?

This is the genuine blurb from the company.

"Don't you hate it when vertical cord friction heats your crotch

"to uncomfortable, even dangerous levels?"

Wait for it!

"Cord-arounds mesh evenly,

"lowering the crotch heat index by 22 per cent."

"Crotch heat index"! That's amazing!

Crotch heat index!

OK, then. What is Paloma's wildcard?

This is the book Fifty Shades of Grey.

Yes, Fifty Shades of Grey, written by E.L.James.

My beef with it is, there are a few levels to it,

then I'm gonna read out quotes to back up my argument.

I hope you've selected these carefully!

Basically, first of all, it's as if feminism never existed.

The second thing is, it's written with the worst English imaginable.

And then the third thing, it's got text messages in it

that are just written in abbreviations.

"R u OK, Ana?"

Then he says - she doesn't reply -

"Where r u Ana?"

She doesn't reply.

"Dammit, Ana!"

I'm not stimulated by this.

-There are...

-I think my crotch heat index just went up!

-Woo!

-There are some bits where she says,

these are the non-feminist bits where he says,

"Miss Steele, you're not just a pretty face.

"You've had six..." I'll doctor it for the sake of the fact this is 8.30.

"Six BEEP so far,

"and all of them belonged to me."

Like, what a BEEP-hole!

"Because actually, no, they were mine, thanks."

I've underlined so many bits. I could teach a course on how rubbish this is.

I think you should do the audio book!

God, what if you'd blinded Deborah then?

People are reading this!

I've just had an image of Deborah Meaden in hospital, saying,

"I'm blind!" And they say, "What was it?" And you say, "It was Fifty Shades of Grey."

There is this argument now that it's wakened things in some people that...

I think there are loads of other books that could have done that

without making people feel like they have to get back to 1940s values.

But also, at the same time, what if, just in this instance...

Read some of it. Go on, read some.

I mean, that's impossible, that.

From a feminist point of view, it's on thin ice.

Because this woman, Anastasia Steele,

she meets this bloke Christian Grey and she basically signs a contract

in which she gives him control of her life.

Let me read this. This is the first paragraph of the contract.

"The submissive" - that's her - "The submissive will obey any instructions

"given by the dominant" - that's him -

"immediately, without any hesitation or reservation

"and in an expeditious manner."

Which is exactly the same clause that Nick Clegg had

in his contract with David Cameron.

If someone turned up going, "I want to be submissive to you and you be in charge",

you'd be going, "Well, can I watch the football first?"

-It's not...

-Yeah, but she has to do it in this book.

Yeah, she'd have to say yes.

Well, I think that sounds all right.

OK. So we come to the end of that round.

And, um...

Jason argues very well for the annoying car parking.

But I also think that the point that little cars are saving our lives

-does slightly blow that out the water.

-What?!

Smart casual, I like the excitement of some people getting it right and some people getting it wrong.

But I do think that the whole concept of Fifty Shades of Grey,

the idea that it's awoken all these little people in their suburbs

is just wrong.

Because there's all sorts of lovely books, videos and a whole internet

that can do that.

So I am going to put Fifty Shades of Grey into Room 101.

And that brings us to the end of the show.

And well done, Paloma. You were the most persuasive guest,

so you are tonight's winner!

So thanks very much, Jason Manford, Deborah Meaden and Paloma Faith.

And thank you! Good night!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd