Episode 6 Room 101

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,

the show in which three guests battle to get the things they hate into the dreaded room.

Joining me are The One Show's Alex Jones, broadcaster Clive Anderson and comedian Jack Whitehall!

CHEERING

OK, so let's see our first category.

Ah, the great outdoors. So what does Alex hate about the great outdoors?

-Oh, hold on!

-That's me.

No, I have to help this a little.

SHE LAUGHS Here we go.

Oh!

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

Yeah. It is.

It is seagulls and, to be honest, that has happened way too many times.

-When has it happened to you?

-The most recent time, I was in the House of Lords. I was out on the balcony.

And it was a dinner.

It was the first time that Christine Bleakley and I would be sitting next to each other.

-Oh, tense!

-So I thought, "Make an impression."

-Yes.

-So I go out, have a little orange juice on the balcony, calm myself.

Next thing, one of these... MIMICS AIRCRAFT ENGINE

It deposited this lumpy stuff right down my arm, down a cream coat.

-Did you see the bird?

-I did see the bird. It was a massive one.

I think it might have been Adrian Chiles.

LAUGHTER

We've got a special guest.

-No, we haven't.

-They're scavengers.

They're a menace on society, they will eat your food and then poo on you!

They are on the edges of society, I'll give you that. They're outlaws.

We have video evidence of this, of criminal activity.

Look at this character, right?

Outside a mini-market...

In he goes, straight, straight to the orange Doritos!

APPLAUSE

Oh, look, and there's his mate going in for dips!

The thing is, we've all stolen snacks from a mini-market, but you don't eat it right outside the shop!

LAUGHTER

-They get really big as well, you know.

-Huge.

-Enormous.

-In 2002, a seagull did actually manage to kill somebody.

LAUGHTER

Are you not thinking of Steven Seagal?

-No!

-They do grow. They grow enormous. Look at this.

'Tom Steinfort, 9 News.'

Police hope someone burdened with information will help solve a 27-year-old gangland murder...

-You see, they're endless fun.

-Well, no.

I'd like to stick up for seagulls. These animals that nick our food, they're finding stuff that's there.

Foxes do it, pigeons do it, seagulls do it.

But they're brilliant at it. I sat on the beach at Brighton eating fish and chips.

I just chucked chips into the air and they just plucked it out of the air like that.

That is... Could you do that?

-No.

-Let's try.

-OK.

-Could you catch this in your mouth? I think she'll do it. She's got the teeth for it.

LAUGHTER

Get ready, Alex. Don't laugh.

-Oh!

-It hit me right there.

Come on, I've seen Fern Britton do this with a Black Forest gateau.

Last one.

Oh!

Let's see what Jack Whitehall doesn't like about the great outdoors.

Glamping.

-Glamorous camping.

-Yes.

Because it's not a real camping experience.

You stay in some luxury yurt and you have a lovely time and there's a bed and a stove.

That's not how I remember camping.

Camping should be a real experience -

five members of the family in a horrible little tent fighting over the last wet wipe.

You shouldn't wake up after a camping experience in a bed.

You should wake up with grass stains on your knees

-and a sense that you can never look your best friend in the eye again.

-Yes.

-That's camping.

-It's a life experience.

-I agree with you.

There's nothing more exciting than the sound of a zip going up and down in a dark field.

LAUGHTER

I can show you some examples. Would you like to see the bubble tent, for example?

-Look at that.

-Ooh!

-And if you shake it, does a snowstorm happen?

-Don't you think that's beautiful?

-I think it would get really warm.

It's a bit like sleeping in a conservatory though, isn't it?

-Yes, but it's so difficult to travel with a conservatory.

-True, true.

I would say, though, Jack...

Would it not be fair to say that this trend is represented by your good self to some extent?

You're a young, successful, well-educated man,

but you're here tonight in your T-shirt, your hair a bit raggedy.

You're a sort of... You're a glamp.

LAUGHTER

-Whoa!

-That's why I need camping

because otherwise, when else am I going to poo in a hole in the ground?

So what doesn't Clive like about the great outdoors?

What is that?!

Well... Well, my...

My selection was deer.

But I was expecting you to produce a little model Bambi and everyone would turn against me,

but you've combined a deer with... It might even be me, but I suppose it's the devil.

I love the countryside, I love all the animals and creatures in it, but there are just too many deer.

There's more deer now than there have ever been in this country. Maybe three million of them.

-Three million?

-I haven't counted them. Don't hold me to the last...

-Three million?

-Roughly.

-All they need is a charismatic leader.

LAUGHTER

Maybe the Dalai "Llama".

Near enough.

APPLAUSE

I don't know how you'll do it if you put the deer into Room 101,

but one way to do it would be to reintroduce things like wolves.

It's a good idea. We should have wolves in this country.

They would keep the deer population down to manageable proportions.

Wouldn't they keep the human population down as well?

-They've reintroduced beavers into Scotland recently.

-That's right.

Let me guess. They did a film about it on The One Show!

I tried to stop myself, but it just came out.

They're lovely creatures. I was photographing beavers in Scotland this year.

LAUGHTER Oh, yeah?

I've got some brilliant... I've got some brilliant beaver shots I could show you.

I'm going to get off the subject. There are too many deer. I don't want to get rid of all of them.

If you could put a good proportion of them in Room 101, that would be a great idea.

One thing I found very odd was this idea that deer kidnap people.

-You know there was this series of kidnappings done by deer?

-What?

-No, I didn't.

-Look at this. I have evidence.

SCREAMS

Was that kidnapping or was it some sort of mating ritual?

If you see the rest of it, she's bundled into the back of a sleigh and they're off!

-Do you think you could actually kill a deer?

-I just saw this programme as a mechanism

where we can adjust the population without having to get too messy ourselves.

I think I can change your mind. I have one last Exhibit A.

I have a special guest. Usually, we have big applause for a special guest.

But if you applaud this time, somebody might get killed,

so can we have a very silent welcome indeed for Arthur, the deer?

AUDIENCE: Aw!

Can someone get Clive a hammer?

LAUGHTER

-Come on, Clive.

-Can I come and say "hello"?

-You can say "hello".

-You know what we're all hoping for.

-I'm sorry, Arthur.

I didn't mean you. I didn't mean you, honestly. No, not you.

So, sorry. I'll, um...

I withdraw my... I withdraw my offer.

Clive was just saying how much he likes eating venison.

-Is he a red deer?

-Yes.

And he hasn't got his horns at the moment. Is he too young for that?

No, he doesn't have any horns. He's castrated.

I was about to say, he looks more of a Martha than an Arthur!

OK, I think we can say goodbye to Arthur, but don't applaud. Just a wave for Arthur.

I don't think that's a good idea either.

There he goes.

-To the BBC canteen!

-Yes.

Anyway, we've come to the end of the Great Outdoors round.

I don't feel I can put deer in, having seen one in the flesh.

-I withdraw my suggestion.

-They're such beautiful things.

I get your point about seagulls and their general messiness,

-but they are mystical creatures that I find beautiful.

-Mystical?!

I'm a fan of camping, but I think glamping is the wrong approach to the whole thing. I agree with Jack.

So I am going to put glamping into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

Anyway, let's have our next category.

It's going out, so what doesn't Jack like about going out?

The Last Supper?

-Jesus! No...

-LAUGHTER

It's shared tables.

If you look closely, Jack, you'll see why this picture is featured.

-Oh, I'm in it!

-LAUGHTER

-That's you sharing a table.

-Good.

-You fit in rather well.

-I fit in rather well, don't I?

So, shared tables. When you go out to a restaurant for a night out

and then they put you on a shared table and you have to sit next to strangers.

It's ludicrous. Where does that end?

We're going to share seats, we're going to share the table, there'll be two people next to me.

Next, let's share food or the bill. Before you know it, it's car keys in a bowl time. It shouldn't happen.

It's dangerous. This as well. This is the Last Supper. This is Jesus.

If I was next to Jesus of Nazareth at dinner, that would be cool. His conversation would be interesting.

When you go to these restaurants, you're not sat next to Jesus of Nazareth.

You're sat next to Gareth of the Wandsworth Borough Council.

He's not as fun. He can turn water into wine.

All Gareth can do is turn rather bland noodles into unfeasibly smelly wind.

It's difficult because a particular well-known restaurant that I frequent

is one of those with the long benches,

so I sit on one side and my girlfriend sits on the other.

There's people sitting next to us.

And people eavesdrop.

-Yeah.

-Don't you find that? I'll be talking to her and she'll start going...

That means there's someone listening. She texts me about the people we're sitting next to.

Honestly, I was with her. I got a text that said, "Fattest neck in the world?"

And then I had to start looking around for the fattest neck and there he was.

It's not just the table, it's the bench thing going on where you're sat opposite your date,

then there's a man next to you there and a man next to you there and you're being squashed down.

You're having more intimacy with him than you'll end up having with your girlfriend that night.

You're trying to get a bit of your neighbour's area. I know a man that did that. His name was Hitler.

Every time you go to one of these restaurants, you're supporting the Nazis!

-That's the way I see it.

-Well, you argue your case very well.

Maybe you, Frank, and you, Jack, have a particular problem because you're well-known people.

You're saying you're sitting down and people are getting close to you.

They might be saying, "That's Jack Whitehall. I like him in..." whatever you've been in.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You're not really objecting about sharing a table.

You're objecting about sharing a planet with these people. That's the truth of it.

Anyway, let's find out what Clive doesn't like about going out.

There's a sort of procedure or ceremony that a lot of restaurants still insist upon doing.

If you order some wine, they'll give you a taste of it beforehand.

It's almost like a religious ceremony.

You're supposed to check to see if the wine has been corked or is off.

But they do that nowadays when quite good wine is in a screw-top bottle, which is not going to be corked.

It can be screwed, but not corked. And it's a strange thing.

-They don't bring you little bits of food to try first.

-That's true.

It's based on the idea that in every group of people, one person is the host, so he - it could be she -

has to make sure it's all right before his guests get to taste it.

So corked, the idea is the cork reacts chemically with the wine?

It can sometimes go off a bit. That's what you're detecting,

not deciding, "Mm, yes, that is the wine that the label says it is. You haven't rebottled it."

Although it would be worth mentioning it!

I've had it with a microwave. If someone microwaves fish and you do porridge immediately after,

"This has been fished!"

Where it could work is in a pub when you normally do buy a round. There's one person buying the round.

That person should be given each of the beers, Diet Cokes, the wine to taste.

But we don't do that. Why do we put up with this in restaurants? Why do we still do it?

Well, there is a lot of massive snobbiness about wine.

I guess it is tied in with that. I used to drink the cheaper types of wine and sherry,

basically on waste ground.

And I...no one ever asked me if it was corked!

-But we have a clip of Jilly Goolden, who is something of a wine expert.

-Ah, yes.

This doesn't bear any resemblance to any wine drinking I ever did.

It's Tarrawingee Riesling Gewurtztraminer. Let's have a smell.

Very seductive. It's like melon balls, when they're scrunched up. That gorgeous aroma.

It's a bit like rosewater and witch hazel. Those lovely scents.

There's a bit of patchouli. It's very heady stuff indeed.

-It really does whoosh up your nose. Very come on-ish.

-For me, it used to be more...

Oh, I'm scenting an argument about immigration on the night bus.

-LAUGHTER

-A brick through my ex-girlfriend's window

and I get home later with two domestic pets I've never seen before. It's a different world.

-Yeah.

-The whole thing is to make you look stupid.

I went to a restaurant with my girlfriend and the sommelier brought up the wine list on an iPad.

He was going through it like that, showing off. And then he said, "Does Sir have any questions?"

I was like, "Um, has this got Angry Birds on it?"

-I don't know anything.

-OK, let's look at Alex's choice.

Yep. This is British-themed bars abroad.

GROANS

-Oh, the crowd!

-Divided you straight away!

You've booked your holiday, you pick your destination,

you turn up, it's lovely, sun's out. Nice. And you're walking down the road and the first thing you see

is like this. The Chav and Devil Dog.

Or Lineker's. Or The Rose and Crown.

And basically it's like, "We will show every sport event going,

"we will only serve Guinness and Carlsberg,

"but also we do Sunday roasts every Sunday."

-In 85-degree heat, not sure we'll be wanting that.

-Yes.

But I tried learning a foreign language. It's impossible.

So it is nice to have that little home from home.

It is quite comforting, but if you wanted to spend your week or two weeks with a family from Newcastle

-or Liverpool or from Wales, you'd stay at home.

-We have some pictures of pubs, so people get a sense.

The first one is in Benidorm.

Ye Olde Pub. Lovely, lovely furniture.

And this one from Majorca.

This is called Trotters On The Beach.

It's a lovely looking place!

This is the oddest themed pub I've ever heard of.

Hitlers' Cross. Nothing very new about that, of course! He often was.

-Look, that's so disgusting. The apostrophe is after the S.

-Exactly!

-It should be before!

OK, well, I'm worried that the shared tables thing suggests a hatred of other people

more than actual furniture arrangements. I like the idea

that people who are homesick can go and be among their fellow countrymen and brothers.

And I'm not sure about the whole wine ritual. I think it's outdated,

-so I'm going to put waiters who put a little bit of wine in your glass into Room 101.

-Thank you very much.

OK, next category, please.

Yes, it's the Wildcard round so you have no restraints.

OK, so what's Alex's Wildcard?

Yeah, it's people who watch the same film over and over again.

It's a waste of your life.

OK. Is there no film that you've seen three or four times?

-There are exceptions to the rule...

-Ah!

-Ah!

..in the form of Titanic.

-Hang on!

-The longest film ever!

-That's a big commitment.

-I know. Good effort, eh? It was when it came out in the cinema.

-But I've learned from my mistake since then.

-Yes.

-This is what I hate about my boyfriend.

-His favourite film is Shawshank Redemption.

-Mm, another long film.

-Stupid film.

-If I was your boyfriend, we could watch Marley and Me every night.

-LAUGHTER

-Mamma Mia. Love it.

-Yes.

-Dirty Dancing.

-All the greats.

-Beaches.

-Aww!

-It makes me cry every time.

-Every time!

Oh...

-A bar of chocolate.

-Lovely.

-Get into our onesies.

-Yeah.

Popcorn in a bowl. Oh, dream.

See? I don't want to be sexist, Frank, but I do think this is a trait that comes out more in men.

-They like seeing things again and again.

-And they can quote from films.

-Like Star Wars.

-Yeah!

I met a bloke in Wolverhampton who'd seen Star Wars 112 times.

-For God's sake!

-And he still hadn't got through all the reading at the beginning.

There are films I've seen like 30 or 40 times, but they're not films we could show clips from.

LAUGHTER

I think in an age where one in three marriages end in divorce,

there's something very loyal about someone who watches the same film.

-I love that.

-Is it not more special to watch something new together?

-You can watch new films as well,

-but there's something very comforting about the same old movie.

-No! You know you're in a rut then.

That's what I was saying to Arthur earlier.

Let's have a look at Clive Anderson's Wildcard.

This is not One Direction. The concept here is

that you can never go and see anything spontaneously any more. Everybody's booked up in advance.

Just go to see a play or a concert or even getting a railway ticket.

I think we must all band together because this is all done by people saying, "I'll fit in with this."

If we all say, "No, we're going to buy on the day. We're all going to turn up on the day to see the film,

"to get on the train," the prices would have to be adjusted down for OUR convenience,

not for the convenience of vast mega-corporations who have got us by the throat. Thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

I kind of respect the enthusiasm of people who keep an eye out when their favourites are on tour

and they know when the next Batman movie's opening. I've done that,

-keep an eye out for the next Batman movie.

-What about aeroplanes?

If you want a cheap airline ticket, you book well in advance.

That depends on you knowing when you want to go and having a regular lifestyle. Mine isn't.

-I feel penalised...

-What are you? Some kind of reckless rock'n'roll animal?!

-"I'm off to Florida today! Let's do it!"

-Disorganised.

OK, what is Jack's Wildcard?

-It is metrosexuals. Overly-preened men...

-OK.

..who take massive amounts of time over their personal appearance.

Oh, is that what a metrosexual is? I thought it was somebody who got up to dodgy things on the Underground!

I just don't think... We're tricked into it. They're trying to make it manly.

You buy moisturiser for men and it's called Face Fuel

so that we buy it and use it, but I don't want that.

I want to get to...old age, like yourselves...

No, I mean and have a face that looks like it's been lived in.

Like I've done some stuff.

-But you're almost the definition of a metrosexual. You are one!

-I don't want to be a metrosexual!

-You are one!

-I know! You sound like my dad now! I don't want that. I want to be a man!

-I look at my idols, like men...that I look up to.

-LAUGHTER

Yeah, but I don't want, like, you know,

Cristiano Ronaldo or David Beckham.

I want...Ben Fogle. Someone like that. A proper man.

I think what you need is parenthood. That tends to sort it out.

Since becoming a parent, my idea of looking smart is only having sick on one shoulder.

Would you ever wear a mankini?

-Oh, no!

-I don't think he's asking you!

LAUGHTER

-There we are. There you go.

-Yeah. See?

There's an element of soap on a rope about that, isn't there?

I don't want to buy a mankini so I just put my arms through the legs in my Y-fronts.

And it ends up like that.

Your beard, by the way, I would say with all due respect

is a metrosexual beard, isn't it?

That could be more shaped. I keep it quite bushy.

I used to have a beard. I grew a beard because I was too drunk to shave. This was mine.

LAUGHTER

If you had a programme called Beard Swap, we could find out how I'd look with a lovely, neat beard

and how you'd look with mine.

-#

-Beard Swap, Beard Swap

-#

-Look at them changing beards.

-#

You're fired!

-#

-I dreamed a dream of time gone by...

-#

Thank you!

It looks great!

Can I keep it and go home in it?

Aaargh! It took the last-remaining real hair with it.

I think, Jack, it's nice that men like Clive

are looking after themselves a bit more these days.

-Better, better!

-You all right, honey?

-But you must use something. What's your morning routine?

-Don't ask him that!

-LAUGHTER

You've really entered into this. God bless you.

I don't know what I put on my face. It's hair gel and something else. It's really beginning to sting.

We need to move on. You could well be blind soon.

-LAUGHTER

-So, look...

I think metrosexuality isn't such a bad thing if it stops men from smelling

-and being horrible.

-Yep!

-And...

-Yeah, Frank, in your own time(!)

-Honestly...

-LAUGHTER

I think that booking things in advance is quite an enthusiastic and keen thing

and although I do watch films over and over, I am going to put

-Alex's people who watch films over and over again into Room 101.

-Thank you!

OK, that brings us to the end of the show.

Well done, Clive. You were the most persuasive guest tonight so you are this week's winner.

Thank you very much. I didn't know there was a winner.

Thanks very much, Jack Whitehall, Clive Anderson and Alex Jones. Thank you. Good night!

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