Episode 1 Room 101


Episode 1

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Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101, the show where

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three guests battle to banish their betes noires to the notorious vault.

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Let's meet this week's guests.

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Joining me tonight are Pointless know-it-all Richard Osman,

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broadcaster Joan Bakewell, and comedian Roisin Conaty.

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Right, then, let's have our first category.

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Nature.

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So I'd like to see what Joan Bakewell doesn't like about nature.

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Gardening.

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Oh.

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Gardening. This represents my feelings about gardening.

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LAUGHTER

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Brilliant. Who could like it after that?

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That cost four grand!

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I think it was worth it. So, what is it, Joan?

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Well, gardening is housework out of doors. There's no difference.

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Now, housework indoors has been streamlined, so it doesn't require

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as much effort as it once did, but gardening, you've got to get down

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on your knees on rubber mats that don't protect your knees,

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you've got to wear clumsy gloves,

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you've got hedge trimmers and wheelbarrows.

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It's hard work. It's too hard work.

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They don't reward the effort you put into it.

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What about if you grow vegetables?

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Then they... That's the gift that keeps on giving.

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It's still hard work.

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It's just easier to buy them at the shop, you know.

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Some people love it, though, don't they?

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Well, yes, but they love all sorts of strange things.

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That is true. That's a whole other show, though, Joan.

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Yeah, and it's probably on a bit later at night.

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I just quite like that gardening is one of those things that we

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haven't managed to make faster.

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You buy something and say, "That is going to look lovely in May.

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"That's going to look amazing."

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You're going, "The rest of the year, "it's just going to look like just some shrub."

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It'll look lovely for a month. You think, "I'm going to put all that effort in, just for a month?"

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A load of twigs, standing there, doing nothing.

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That's everything in life. That's like, "Oh, I'm just going to

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"cook this dinner and then eat it. Huh, what a waste of time."

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"Shouldn't fall in love with this person. I won't be in love in ten years."

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Everything's only for a month.

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Well, that's my second and third choice gone now.

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Anyway, let's see what Richard Osman doesn't like about nature.

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This is zoo filler.

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Now, what is zoo filler?

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Zoo filler is all the rubbish animals in the zoo.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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When you go to a zoo, historically,

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there's only five animals you go to the zoo to see.

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There used to be four, there's now five.

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You go to a zoo to see the lions, to see the tigers,

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to see the monkeys, to see the penguins, and now,

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in the last five or six years, to see the meerkats.

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And that's it.

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And everywhere around those five animals

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they've got all sorts of things.

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They've got fish. You want to see a pike?

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So, hold on, I've got a lion over here, and a tiger over here.

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I tell you what, why don't I spend ten minutes looking at a pike?

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You didn't mention giraffes. They're essential.

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Do you think? Oh, yeah.

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Oh, what's the point?

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They're very tall, that's the point. Yeah, but you know what?

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Who isn't these days?

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LAUGHTER

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I think I've gone into the zoo in the past thinking,

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"I want to see the monkeys".

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I went to Cotswold Wildlife Park, and I went specifically to see

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the monkeys, and then I saw a giant tortoise,

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which I wouldn't normally expect to see,

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and I was really excited about it. It was really massive.

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It's kind of like when you watch... When I first started watching

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Pointless, I watched it for Alexander Armstrong,

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and then it turned out there was another creature on it.

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I like some of the signs that you get in zoos.

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What about this? My favourite ever "danger" sign.

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, how wonderful.

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I like to think the crocodile has burped and she's going uphill.

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LAUGHTER

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Here's a thing, now, how are you with snakes?

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Do you find those exciting? God, no. Snakes, you stand for ten minutes, going,

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"Where is it? Is that it in the back?"

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Cos they're so well camouflaged, and then you see it and think, "Oh, there it is."

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They don't move. They are asleep for 22 hours a day, snakes.

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Yeah. Here's a long...a long snake.

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AUDIENCE GASPS

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That was great from the crowd.

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Some proper physical jumping in their seats.

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Oh, my God.

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Do you like the shop at the zoo? That's always a good bit.

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I do like the shop. It's interesting, you know, the cuddly toys they get,

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they are lions, tigers, penguins, monkeys and meerkats.

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They're not doing cuddly toys of the moths.

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This is my own personal favourite at London Zoo.

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LAUGHTER

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If you saw me coming from behind a hedgerow,

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could you possibly think I was a lion?

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That would certainly scare the foxes.

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OK, then. So what doesn't Roisin like about nature?

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AUDIENCE COOS

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The most predictable reaction of the evening.

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Bambi. OK.

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I think Bambi should go in Room 101,

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because Bambi was the first cartoon that started off a whole

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generation of sad cartoons, and I hate sad cartoons.

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Life's hard enough for kids, as you get older,

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and I think children don't need to see animals dying on-screen.

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People say it's good for them, it teaches them about the horrors of the world. It doesn't.

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As you get older, if you lose a parent, you don't go,

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"Oh, I'm glad I watched Bambi.

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"Really, I knew what was going to happen".

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It just gives you a really horrible

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afternoon with children who have no sort of coping skills.

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I was looking after some of my friends' children,

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and I thought we'd watch The Lion King, and I fell asleep and woke

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up to four six-year-olds screaming, "Mufasa's dead, Mufasa's dead!"

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Spoiler alert!

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So, yeah, I think Bambi should go in Room 101.

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Well, in case... Has anyone here...not seen Bambi?

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Oh, you've never seen Bambi.

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The bit that everyone talks about is when Bambi's mum gets it early on.

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What's happened is, they're out and they're in the forest

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and then we hear the sound of the hunter and the gun goes,

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and they both run away and then Bambi stops,

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looks over his shoulder

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and realises that Mummy isn't with him any more.

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BAMBI: Mother?

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Mother!

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Your mother can't be with you any more.

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I mean, it's desperately sad.

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And the music isn't helping, is it?

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Disney usually do Heigh-Ho or something.

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Even if you had your eyes shut you'd be crying. Yeah.

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I think it's fair to say Heigh-Ho would've been inappropriate.

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The dwarfs dragging the carcass...

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LAUGHTER

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Anyway, look, I think you've all argued your cases very well.

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I think gardening now is something that I'm thinking I'm going

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to move towards, as I reach a certain age where gardening

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seems apt, so I'm not going to put gardening in, Joan. Right.

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And I feel sorry for those animals.

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Just because they're not in the headlines.

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But I agree, I think so much can happen in a cartoon film.

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You can make animals talk and all wondrous things.

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Why not just give them one little place in their lives

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where bad stuff doesn't happen?

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So, I am going to put Bambi into Room 101.

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APPLAUSE

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OK, let's have our next category, please.

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It is modern life.

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What doesn't Richard Osman like about modern life?

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It's cobblers, Frank.

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It's cobblers, because they shouldn't exist in modern life.

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You know, by and large, the high street,

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you sort of know what shops are for.

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What on earth is the cobbler doing there?

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What are they up to?

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Given nobody has had a pair of shoes fixed since about 1967...

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what's going on in that shop?

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Well, let's... How many people here would go

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and have their shoes fixed at the cobblers?

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We'll have a show of... Show of feet. Show of feet. That's loads.

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Richard, you've got it all wrong, loads of people go to the cobblers.

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Do you know what? I'm choosing not to look.

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LAUGHTER

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OK, then. Why are people having their shoes fixed?

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What's going on in the world? No-one is wearing expensive enough shoes...

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Expensive shoes last for ever. You don't wear high-heels...do you?

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To be fair, they haven't invented the ceiling yet that would

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allow me to wear high-heels.

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You need to have heels renewed quite often.

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Anyway, I don't think enough people are getting their shoes fixed

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that these people are funding their shops,

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so I'm deeply suspicious, is all I'm saying.

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Oh, they could be a front. Well, of course they're a front.

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I think it's a given they're a front,

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but what are they a front for?

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What are the two things that cobblers' shops actually do? What do they actually do?

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They cut your keys and they make house signs for you.

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OK? So you're spending hundreds of pounds

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making your house as secure as you possibly want, burglar alarms,

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fitting all sorts of lock.

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You're then going along to a man who pretends to fix shoes,

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who you don't know, you're saying, "Here are my keys.

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"I'll be back in an hour.

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"And while I'm here, could you make a big,

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"idiosyncratic sign to show you exactly where I live?"

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And we wonder how they're funding themselves.

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And then they wear your own shoes to burgle your house,

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so they can't trace the footprints.

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Exactly. It's like the best episode of The Wire EVER.

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Can I ask a personal question? Of course you can.

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What size shoe do you take? I take a 14.

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AUDIENCE GASPS

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How lovely to get a gasp for your shoe size.

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So I'd have thought...

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Are they quite hard to find, size 14s?

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Well, I tend to sort of leave them by the door, so it's...

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LAUGHTER

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OK. Well, I'm worried about cobblers, but you argue it well.

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So, what doesn't Roisin like about modern life?

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Me.

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Selfies.

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Yes.

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Er, "selfie" is a word used for people who take

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photos of themself relentlessly and put them online.

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I don't mind a selfie where people sort of look ridiculous,

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but the sort of vain... Like that... Yeah, thanks.

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But the sort of need people have to sort of document their own

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existence to the point now they just take photos of themselves

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looking nice, and, sort of, you have lots of young teenage girls

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sort of pulling that face, doing that.

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And you know what's really upsetting,

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is these people have got, like, 5,000 followers on Twitter,

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and yet no-one to take a photo of them.

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It's like at least have the decency to hide your own arm

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so it looks like you were with someone

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and someone else thought your dress was nice enough to photo.

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You can actually crop the pictures... Totally.

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..and get your arm off. It's the lack of intelligence that upsets me the most about selfies.

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You know that famous Van Gogh self-portrait?

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If you actually looked at the original version of that...

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LAUGHTER

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..that was actually a selfie.

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Are you familiar with "hot dogs or legs"?

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Sorry?

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Hot dogs or legs. It's a selfie-based phenomenon.

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So, what you have to do, people take a photo of themselves, maybe,

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and you have to guess whether it is their legs or whether it's hot dogs.

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Let me show you an example.

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LAUGHTER

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It's tricky, isn't it? I'll show you another one.

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You'll get this one.

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What do you think? Hot dogs. Yes.

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I think they've used the napkin to try and create a skirt...

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Yeah. Went too far.

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..to fool us.

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This last one really... This confuses me.

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I think that that's a leg and a hot dog.

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LAUGHTER

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Because... Yeah, it's a leg on the left, isn't it?

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Yeah, that one on the right, you don't get a thighbone that

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bends in like that normally.

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I think that's legs. I think that's legs. Yeah? Yeah.

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Can I just say - why are we doing the rest of the show?

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Can we not just do this for half an hour?

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I sort of use selfies in order to send messages.

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So I've got a few examples that I use.

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"I'm sorry I'm running late."

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"Thanks for dinner."

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And I haven't actually used this one yet, but I've got it in waiting.

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Here it is. This is, "I'm having a heart attack".

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They've saved me a hell of a lot of time, I must say.

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Anyway, what doesn't Joan like about modern life?

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Customer service surveys.

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Hmm. No options. None of the options that we want.

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You're given options from - disappointing, good,

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very good, brilliant.

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What you want to tell them is fired up with real hatred

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of what the experience has been like, and there's no scope for that.

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Most people don't do these surveys at all,

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so the people who have sent this round get a distorted view

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that everybody has to tick something, so they tick "good",

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and they say, "This product is an absolute hit with the public."

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It's completely deluded.

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Isn't it nice that they care about our opinion?

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No, they don't care. It's a marketing ploy.

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If they cared they wouldn't... This is advertising speak.

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This is to placate the managing director.

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This is to please the shareholders.

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This is nothing to do with the service they give you.

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They want praise.

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Everybody wants praise, but this is a deluded way of going about it,

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because you convince people you're running a successful business

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when all your customers are furious with the lack of standards.

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So, in the interests of consumers I think these should go in Room 101.

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APPLAUSE

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This is my favourite ever complaint in a cafe or restaurant.

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That's written in ketchup and mustard.

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Wow.

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That's what they call complaining with relish.

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Can I end this on a happy note?

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On the subject of customer service, I love this.

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A man took his eight-year-old son on holiday to the Ritz Carlton Hotel

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in Florida, and when he left they forgot his cuddly toy, Joshy.

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The child was in bits, and the dad said,

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"Well, the thing is, Joshy, you know, he's getting on now.

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"He's having a vacation on his own."

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So then he desperately phoned the hotel and said, "Is Joshy there?"

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They said, "Yeah, we've got it."

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And he said, "OK, well, can you hold on to it for a few days,

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"cos I've told him that Joshy's on vacation?"

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And they sent back a series of pictures of Joshy enjoying

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the hotel facilities.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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LAUGHTER

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So, you know what? I love that story.

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OK. So, I don't feel I can put cobblers in, Richard.

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I just think we'll miss them.

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And selfies, as I think I've proved,

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can be a great practical boon in life.

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But I can see little or no good, you've argued it so well, Joan,

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I am going to put customer service surveys into Room 101.

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Next category, please.

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It's the wildcard category, which means no restraints,

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you can pick anything at all you don't like.

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So what is Roisin's wildcard?

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Greeting cards with writing already in it.

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Right. I can't bear them.

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If you're going to bother buying and sending someone a card,

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at least have the decency to write your own message.

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Erm, and it's become, like, now they're like books.

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You know those cards that have got pages of, like,

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synthetic emotion that I can't compete with, so you're just like,

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"To Mum, love, Roisin," like loads of stuff that's quite dramatic.

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Yes. I don't buy them, and my sister does,

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and then my mum reads that out as if it's from my sister,

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and then reads mine out, like, "To Mum, love you".

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She's like, "Oh, you could've made an effort".

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I'm like, "She bought it... Clintons wrote that, not her."

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I like to write under the verse,

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"This is a fair approximation of what I feel."

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I'm always at a loss on what to write on cards,

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so I'm kind of glad for a bit of help.

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This is a card,

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this is for people who've recently split up in a relationship,

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and it says, "You're the strongest person I know."

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I sent one of those to Geoff Capes.

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Look, "And I totally believe in you."

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How lovely.

0:19:470:19:48

It didn't really apply to anyone that I knew,

0:19:480:19:51

so I got a bit of Tipp-Ex...

0:19:510:19:54

and I just gave it a bit of a...

0:19:540:19:56

And now I can send them to loads of my friends.

0:19:570:20:01

LAUGHTER

0:20:030:20:04

See, you've just got to give it a bit of thought.

0:20:060:20:10

This is slightly sad, but a friend of mine was bereaved recently,

0:20:100:20:15

and I sent them this, "With deepest sympathy card",

0:20:150:20:19

and, er, I went for the...

0:20:190:20:21

You see, you condemn the selfie, they're so versatile.

0:20:240:20:27

OK, well, let's see what Joan's wildcard is.

0:20:290:20:32

Chewing gum.

0:20:370:20:38

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:20:380:20:40

How vile is it?

0:20:400:20:43

You mean generally or on pavements?

0:20:430:20:45

Altogether, because it loses its flavour after ten seconds,

0:20:450:20:49

then you've got a mouthful of rubber.

0:20:490:20:50

It doesn't do anything.

0:20:500:20:52

It just sticks there, and your jaw chews around at it, makes lots

0:20:520:20:56

of saliva, horrible, and you look ridiculous, so you spit it out.

0:20:560:21:01

Then it disfigures the environment.

0:21:010:21:04

It spoils the pavements, it sticks to people's shoes,

0:21:040:21:06

and it sets up these spots everywhere,

0:21:060:21:09

which are very expensive to remove, and are just a disgrace to the

0:21:090:21:13

environment, which we want to be beautiful.

0:21:130:21:15

The trouble is, as my mother told me,

0:21:150:21:18

if you swallow it, it sticks your insides up.

0:21:180:21:21

Did you used to pull it out, and do that with it?

0:21:210:21:25

Yes, I used to do that.

0:21:250:21:27

I've done that with catarrh.

0:21:290:21:31

Oh, my God.

0:21:330:21:34

Well, I have one thing that might win you over, Joan,

0:21:350:21:39

and this is something which I think is pretty impressive.

0:21:390:21:43

There is a man, and he's called Ben Wilson,

0:21:430:21:46

and Ben Wilson is known as the chewing gum man.

0:21:460:21:48

Now, we have a photograph of Ben, doing what he does.

0:21:480:21:52

Ben actually paints those chewing gum splodges on the pavement

0:21:520:21:59

which annoy you so much. Now, Ben is here tonight. Where is Ben?

0:21:590:22:03

Hello, Ben, how are you? Well done.

0:22:030:22:06

We have a couple of examples of your work, Ben,

0:22:120:22:15

just to give people an idea.

0:22:150:22:17

This is a scene from Archway in North London.

0:22:170:22:21

Wow.

0:22:220:22:23

And this is a full English breakfast.

0:22:230:22:27

And can I say, they're definitely sausages.

0:22:290:22:31

So, how did it all start, Ben?

0:22:330:22:35

Well, advertisers have a monopoly over public space,

0:22:350:22:38

and it was a way to make creativity happen in a more spontaneous way.

0:22:380:22:43

And technically, if you paint on the chewing gum,

0:22:430:22:46

it's not criminal damage.

0:22:460:22:48

Oh, cos you're not painting on the pavement.

0:22:480:22:51

You're not painting on the pavement.

0:22:510:22:52

The City of London Police tried to get me on a criminal damage charge.

0:22:520:22:56

They did arrest me. But I won my case.

0:22:560:22:58

They couldn't make the charges stick.

0:22:580:23:01

Well, look, Ben has done something very wonderful,

0:23:070:23:10

because he has mounted some chewing gum on a brick,

0:23:100:23:13

and this shows us the life, basically, of Joan Bakewell.

0:23:130:23:18

If you can see that,

0:23:190:23:21

down there you've got Joan as a child with her family.

0:23:210:23:24

Good heavens! Then Joan in the '60s.

0:23:240:23:27

Then Joan as a '70s TV presenter, and then Joan, there she is,

0:23:280:23:33

as she is now. Wow.

0:23:330:23:35

And they're really good likenesses. That's fabulous.

0:23:350:23:37

What can I say? I can't retrieve my hatred of this kind of gum,

0:23:410:23:45

but can you get round faster?

0:23:450:23:48

It's beautiful. What about a big hand for Ben? Fabulous art.

0:23:500:23:53

OK. So what is Richard's wildcard?

0:23:560:23:59

It is people telling me I'm tall.

0:24:040:24:07

Because, believe me, I know. I already know.

0:24:120:24:15

I'm reminded in my daily life - I bump my head on things,

0:24:150:24:18

I get tutted at in cinemas and what have you.

0:24:180:24:20

I don't need people endlessly coming up in the streets

0:24:200:24:23

and informing me of the fact.

0:24:230:24:25

I'm 6'7", or I'm 6'8" if I'm trying to get an upgrade on a plane,

0:24:250:24:29

but, lots of people come up to you in the street,

0:24:290:24:31

and people are interested if you're tall,

0:24:310:24:33

and it's exciting and people are lovely.

0:24:330:24:35

So, by and large, it's fine.

0:24:350:24:37

But it's the people who shout out of car windows,

0:24:370:24:39

"Hey, you're tall, mate!"

0:24:390:24:41

So, people actually tell you that you're tall?

0:24:430:24:45

Oh, endlessly.

0:24:450:24:47

There's a class of people who delight in telling anyone they're different.

0:24:470:24:51

For most people,

0:24:510:24:52

differences are wonderful things and we celebrate them.

0:24:520:24:55

Most people are like that, but there are a group of people as well,

0:24:550:24:58

who, whatever it is in their brains,

0:24:580:25:00

will delight in letting you know that something about you is unusual.

0:25:000:25:03

I mean if your shoelace is undone, that's good. That's helpful.

0:25:030:25:06

If you're telling me I'm tall, I promise you, it's covered.

0:25:060:25:10

I was in a shop the other day, and people quite often ask me

0:25:100:25:12

to get things off high shelves...

0:25:120:25:14

Do they really? As I say, most people are lovely.

0:25:140:25:17

So I'm in a shop and there's a lady, must have been 70-odd, very, very short, and she said,

0:25:170:25:21

"You couldn't get me some eggs from up there, could you?" I said, "Oh, absolutely".

0:25:210:25:25

So I got them and gave them to her, and she just went,

0:25:250:25:27

"Is there anything I can get you from down here?"

0:25:270:25:30

LAUGHTER

0:25:300:25:33

I've invented something. It's called the height reversal platform.

0:25:360:25:42

OK. You're nine inches taller than me. Uh-huh.

0:25:420:25:46

And it must be, for you, thinking, "God, what's it like for Frank

0:25:460:25:50

"being next to a man who's nine inches..?"

0:25:500:25:53

So the height reversal platform, if you'll come and join me, Richard,

0:25:530:25:58

means that we can show you what it would be like if you were me...

0:25:580:26:03

OK. ..as it were.

0:26:030:26:05

So can you bring on the height reversal platform, please?

0:26:050:26:08

OK. I've got you.

0:26:150:26:18

Yeah? Yeah.

0:26:180:26:20

So I stand on here, you step into those... Ah.

0:26:200:26:23

This is what you're like to me.

0:26:310:26:33

God, you're tall, aren't you? Yeah. Can I try these?

0:26:330:26:37

There we go.

0:26:370:26:38

There you go.

0:26:390:26:41

People watching this will think,

0:26:410:26:43

"Yeah, God, that Richard Osman's dressed smart."

0:26:430:26:46

Or they might think, "Blimey, Michael Gove's tall."

0:26:470:26:50

Actually, it'd be interesting to see what would happen if we, er...

0:26:570:27:00

If instead of balancing, it made things... Reverse around.

0:27:000:27:03

Yeah. Let's blow people's minds, Frank.

0:27:030:27:06

LAUGHTER

0:27:080:27:12

Thank you, Richard.

0:27:220:27:24

The height reversal platform, ladies and gentlemen.

0:27:240:27:27

CHEERING

0:27:270:27:30

I love the removal men.

0:27:320:27:33

They're like something from Laurel and Hardy, aren't they?

0:27:330:27:36

So, Roisin, I've often been very glad of a bit of help with

0:27:360:27:41

a greetings card, I must admit, so I just can't put that into Room 101.

0:27:410:27:45

Joan, you argued so well, and I am anti-litter, very, very much so,

0:27:450:27:49

but I just thought Ben's art was so good,

0:27:490:27:52

I just don't feel I can put it in.

0:27:520:27:54

But, Richard, I do feel for you.

0:27:540:27:56

Can anyone watching just... He knows. He knows.

0:27:560:27:59

And consequently, I'm going to put

0:27:590:28:01

people telling Richard he's tall into Room 101.

0:28:010:28:03

And that brings us to the end of the show,

0:28:160:28:18

and well done, Richard, you were the most persuasive guest tonight,

0:28:180:28:22

so you are tonight's winner.

0:28:220:28:24

So, thank you very much to Richard Osman, to Joan Bakewell

0:28:260:28:30

and Roisin Conaty, and thank you, good night.

0:28:300:28:32

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