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Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101, the show where | 0:00:33 | 0:00:36 | |
three guests battle to banish their betes noires to the notorious vault. | 0:00:36 | 0:00:40 | |
Let's meet this week's guests. | 0:00:40 | 0:00:42 | |
Joining me tonight are Pointless know-it-all Richard Osman, | 0:00:42 | 0:00:45 | |
broadcaster Joan Bakewell, and comedian Roisin Conaty. | 0:00:45 | 0:00:48 | |
Right, then, let's have our first category. | 0:00:55 | 0:00:57 | |
Nature. | 0:01:02 | 0:01:03 | |
So I'd like to see what Joan Bakewell doesn't like about nature. | 0:01:03 | 0:01:07 | |
Gardening. | 0:01:12 | 0:01:14 | |
Oh. | 0:01:14 | 0:01:15 | |
Gardening. This represents my feelings about gardening. | 0:01:15 | 0:01:19 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:22 | 0:01:23 | |
Brilliant. Who could like it after that? | 0:01:23 | 0:01:26 | |
That cost four grand! | 0:01:26 | 0:01:28 | |
I think it was worth it. So, what is it, Joan? | 0:01:28 | 0:01:31 | |
Well, gardening is housework out of doors. There's no difference. | 0:01:31 | 0:01:35 | |
Now, housework indoors has been streamlined, so it doesn't require | 0:01:37 | 0:01:41 | |
as much effort as it once did, but gardening, you've got to get down | 0:01:41 | 0:01:45 | |
on your knees on rubber mats that don't protect your knees, | 0:01:45 | 0:01:48 | |
you've got to wear clumsy gloves, | 0:01:48 | 0:01:50 | |
you've got hedge trimmers and wheelbarrows. | 0:01:50 | 0:01:52 | |
It's hard work. It's too hard work. | 0:01:52 | 0:01:54 | |
They don't reward the effort you put into it. | 0:01:54 | 0:01:58 | |
What about if you grow vegetables? | 0:01:58 | 0:02:00 | |
Then they... That's the gift that keeps on giving. | 0:02:00 | 0:02:02 | |
It's still hard work. | 0:02:02 | 0:02:04 | |
It's just easier to buy them at the shop, you know. | 0:02:04 | 0:02:07 | |
Some people love it, though, don't they? | 0:02:08 | 0:02:10 | |
Well, yes, but they love all sorts of strange things. | 0:02:10 | 0:02:13 | |
That is true. That's a whole other show, though, Joan. | 0:02:13 | 0:02:16 | |
Yeah, and it's probably on a bit later at night. | 0:02:16 | 0:02:19 | |
I just quite like that gardening is one of those things that we | 0:02:20 | 0:02:23 | |
haven't managed to make faster. | 0:02:23 | 0:02:25 | |
You buy something and say, "That is going to look lovely in May. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:28 | |
"That's going to look amazing." | 0:02:28 | 0:02:29 | |
You're going, "The rest of the year, "it's just going to look like just some shrub." | 0:02:29 | 0:02:33 | |
It'll look lovely for a month. You think, "I'm going to put all that effort in, just for a month?" | 0:02:33 | 0:02:37 | |
A load of twigs, standing there, doing nothing. | 0:02:37 | 0:02:39 | |
That's everything in life. That's like, "Oh, I'm just going to | 0:02:39 | 0:02:43 | |
"cook this dinner and then eat it. Huh, what a waste of time." | 0:02:43 | 0:02:46 | |
"Shouldn't fall in love with this person. I won't be in love in ten years." | 0:02:46 | 0:02:49 | |
Everything's only for a month. | 0:02:49 | 0:02:50 | |
Well, that's my second and third choice gone now. | 0:02:50 | 0:02:53 | |
Anyway, let's see what Richard Osman doesn't like about nature. | 0:02:55 | 0:02:59 | |
This is zoo filler. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:06 | |
Now, what is zoo filler? | 0:03:06 | 0:03:08 | |
Zoo filler is all the rubbish animals in the zoo. | 0:03:08 | 0:03:11 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:03:11 | 0:03:14 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:03:14 | 0:03:17 | |
When you go to a zoo, historically, | 0:03:19 | 0:03:22 | |
there's only five animals you go to the zoo to see. | 0:03:22 | 0:03:24 | |
There used to be four, there's now five. | 0:03:24 | 0:03:26 | |
You go to a zoo to see the lions, to see the tigers, | 0:03:26 | 0:03:31 | |
to see the monkeys, to see the penguins, and now, | 0:03:31 | 0:03:35 | |
in the last five or six years, to see the meerkats. | 0:03:35 | 0:03:38 | |
And that's it. | 0:03:38 | 0:03:40 | |
And everywhere around those five animals | 0:03:40 | 0:03:43 | |
they've got all sorts of things. | 0:03:43 | 0:03:44 | |
They've got fish. You want to see a pike? | 0:03:44 | 0:03:48 | |
So, hold on, I've got a lion over here, and a tiger over here. | 0:03:48 | 0:03:51 | |
I tell you what, why don't I spend ten minutes looking at a pike? | 0:03:51 | 0:03:55 | |
You didn't mention giraffes. They're essential. | 0:03:55 | 0:03:58 | |
Do you think? Oh, yeah. | 0:03:58 | 0:03:59 | |
Oh, what's the point? | 0:03:59 | 0:04:01 | |
They're very tall, that's the point. Yeah, but you know what? | 0:04:01 | 0:04:04 | |
Who isn't these days? | 0:04:04 | 0:04:05 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:05 | 0:04:07 | |
I think I've gone into the zoo in the past thinking, | 0:04:07 | 0:04:10 | |
"I want to see the monkeys". | 0:04:10 | 0:04:11 | |
I went to Cotswold Wildlife Park, and I went specifically to see | 0:04:11 | 0:04:15 | |
the monkeys, and then I saw a giant tortoise, | 0:04:15 | 0:04:18 | |
which I wouldn't normally expect to see, | 0:04:18 | 0:04:21 | |
and I was really excited about it. It was really massive. | 0:04:21 | 0:04:24 | |
It's kind of like when you watch... When I first started watching | 0:04:24 | 0:04:27 | |
Pointless, I watched it for Alexander Armstrong, | 0:04:27 | 0:04:30 | |
and then it turned out there was another creature on it. | 0:04:30 | 0:04:33 | |
I like some of the signs that you get in zoos. | 0:04:35 | 0:04:39 | |
What about this? My favourite ever "danger" sign. | 0:04:39 | 0:04:42 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:43 | 0:04:46 | |
Oh, how wonderful. | 0:04:50 | 0:04:52 | |
I like to think the crocodile has burped and she's going uphill. | 0:04:52 | 0:04:55 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:55 | 0:04:57 | |
Here's a thing, now, how are you with snakes? | 0:04:59 | 0:05:02 | |
Do you find those exciting? God, no. Snakes, you stand for ten minutes, going, | 0:05:02 | 0:05:05 | |
"Where is it? Is that it in the back?" | 0:05:05 | 0:05:07 | |
Cos they're so well camouflaged, and then you see it and think, "Oh, there it is." | 0:05:07 | 0:05:11 | |
They don't move. They are asleep for 22 hours a day, snakes. | 0:05:11 | 0:05:14 | |
Yeah. Here's a long...a long snake. | 0:05:14 | 0:05:17 | |
AUDIENCE GASPS | 0:05:34 | 0:05:37 | |
That was great from the crowd. | 0:05:49 | 0:05:52 | |
Some proper physical jumping in their seats. | 0:05:52 | 0:05:54 | |
Oh, my God. | 0:05:54 | 0:05:56 | |
Do you like the shop at the zoo? That's always a good bit. | 0:05:56 | 0:05:58 | |
I do like the shop. It's interesting, you know, the cuddly toys they get, | 0:05:58 | 0:06:02 | |
they are lions, tigers, penguins, monkeys and meerkats. | 0:06:02 | 0:06:05 | |
They're not doing cuddly toys of the moths. | 0:06:05 | 0:06:07 | |
This is my own personal favourite at London Zoo. | 0:06:07 | 0:06:11 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:12 | 0:06:14 | |
If you saw me coming from behind a hedgerow, | 0:06:18 | 0:06:20 | |
could you possibly think I was a lion? | 0:06:20 | 0:06:22 | |
That would certainly scare the foxes. | 0:06:24 | 0:06:27 | |
OK, then. So what doesn't Roisin like about nature? | 0:06:27 | 0:06:31 | |
AUDIENCE COOS | 0:06:35 | 0:06:37 | |
The most predictable reaction of the evening. | 0:06:37 | 0:06:40 | |
Bambi. OK. | 0:06:40 | 0:06:42 | |
I think Bambi should go in Room 101, | 0:06:42 | 0:06:44 | |
because Bambi was the first cartoon that started off a whole | 0:06:44 | 0:06:48 | |
generation of sad cartoons, and I hate sad cartoons. | 0:06:48 | 0:06:52 | |
Life's hard enough for kids, as you get older, | 0:06:52 | 0:06:54 | |
and I think children don't need to see animals dying on-screen. | 0:06:54 | 0:06:58 | |
People say it's good for them, it teaches them about the horrors of the world. It doesn't. | 0:06:58 | 0:07:02 | |
As you get older, if you lose a parent, you don't go, | 0:07:02 | 0:07:04 | |
"Oh, I'm glad I watched Bambi. | 0:07:04 | 0:07:06 | |
"Really, I knew what was going to happen". | 0:07:06 | 0:07:08 | |
It just gives you a really horrible | 0:07:08 | 0:07:10 | |
afternoon with children who have no sort of coping skills. | 0:07:10 | 0:07:13 | |
I was looking after some of my friends' children, | 0:07:13 | 0:07:16 | |
and I thought we'd watch The Lion King, and I fell asleep and woke | 0:07:16 | 0:07:19 | |
up to four six-year-olds screaming, "Mufasa's dead, Mufasa's dead!" | 0:07:19 | 0:07:22 | |
Spoiler alert! | 0:07:22 | 0:07:24 | |
So, yeah, I think Bambi should go in Room 101. | 0:07:27 | 0:07:29 | |
Well, in case... Has anyone here...not seen Bambi? | 0:07:29 | 0:07:34 | |
Oh, you've never seen Bambi. | 0:07:34 | 0:07:37 | |
The bit that everyone talks about is when Bambi's mum gets it early on. | 0:07:37 | 0:07:42 | |
What's happened is, they're out and they're in the forest | 0:07:42 | 0:07:45 | |
and then we hear the sound of the hunter and the gun goes, | 0:07:45 | 0:07:49 | |
and they both run away and then Bambi stops, | 0:07:49 | 0:07:52 | |
looks over his shoulder | 0:07:52 | 0:07:54 | |
and realises that Mummy isn't with him any more. | 0:07:54 | 0:07:57 | |
BAMBI: Mother? | 0:08:01 | 0:08:02 | |
Mother! | 0:08:10 | 0:08:12 | |
Your mother can't be with you any more. | 0:08:17 | 0:08:20 | |
I mean, it's desperately sad. | 0:08:23 | 0:08:25 | |
And the music isn't helping, is it? | 0:08:25 | 0:08:27 | |
Disney usually do Heigh-Ho or something. | 0:08:27 | 0:08:29 | |
Even if you had your eyes shut you'd be crying. Yeah. | 0:08:29 | 0:08:32 | |
I think it's fair to say Heigh-Ho would've been inappropriate. | 0:08:32 | 0:08:36 | |
The dwarfs dragging the carcass... | 0:08:38 | 0:08:40 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:08:40 | 0:08:42 | |
Anyway, look, I think you've all argued your cases very well. | 0:08:45 | 0:08:48 | |
I think gardening now is something that I'm thinking I'm going | 0:08:48 | 0:08:52 | |
to move towards, as I reach a certain age where gardening | 0:08:52 | 0:08:54 | |
seems apt, so I'm not going to put gardening in, Joan. Right. | 0:08:54 | 0:08:58 | |
And I feel sorry for those animals. | 0:08:58 | 0:09:01 | |
Just because they're not in the headlines. | 0:09:01 | 0:09:04 | |
But I agree, I think so much can happen in a cartoon film. | 0:09:04 | 0:09:08 | |
You can make animals talk and all wondrous things. | 0:09:08 | 0:09:11 | |
Why not just give them one little place in their lives | 0:09:11 | 0:09:13 | |
where bad stuff doesn't happen? | 0:09:13 | 0:09:15 | |
So, I am going to put Bambi into Room 101. | 0:09:15 | 0:09:19 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:09:19 | 0:09:23 | |
OK, let's have our next category, please. | 0:09:31 | 0:09:34 | |
It is modern life. | 0:09:38 | 0:09:40 | |
What doesn't Richard Osman like about modern life? | 0:09:40 | 0:09:43 | |
It's cobblers, Frank. | 0:09:48 | 0:09:49 | |
It's cobblers, because they shouldn't exist in modern life. | 0:09:51 | 0:09:54 | |
You know, by and large, the high street, | 0:09:54 | 0:09:56 | |
you sort of know what shops are for. | 0:09:56 | 0:09:58 | |
What on earth is the cobbler doing there? | 0:09:58 | 0:10:00 | |
What are they up to? | 0:10:00 | 0:10:01 | |
Given nobody has had a pair of shoes fixed since about 1967... | 0:10:03 | 0:10:07 | |
what's going on in that shop? | 0:10:07 | 0:10:09 | |
Well, let's... How many people here would go | 0:10:09 | 0:10:13 | |
and have their shoes fixed at the cobblers? | 0:10:13 | 0:10:15 | |
We'll have a show of... Show of feet. Show of feet. That's loads. | 0:10:15 | 0:10:18 | |
Richard, you've got it all wrong, loads of people go to the cobblers. | 0:10:18 | 0:10:21 | |
Do you know what? I'm choosing not to look. | 0:10:21 | 0:10:23 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:10:23 | 0:10:25 | |
OK, then. Why are people having their shoes fixed? | 0:10:25 | 0:10:28 | |
What's going on in the world? No-one is wearing expensive enough shoes... | 0:10:28 | 0:10:31 | |
Expensive shoes last for ever. You don't wear high-heels...do you? | 0:10:31 | 0:10:35 | |
To be fair, they haven't invented the ceiling yet that would | 0:10:38 | 0:10:41 | |
allow me to wear high-heels. | 0:10:41 | 0:10:43 | |
You need to have heels renewed quite often. | 0:10:43 | 0:10:46 | |
Anyway, I don't think enough people are getting their shoes fixed | 0:10:46 | 0:10:49 | |
that these people are funding their shops, | 0:10:49 | 0:10:51 | |
so I'm deeply suspicious, is all I'm saying. | 0:10:51 | 0:10:54 | |
Oh, they could be a front. Well, of course they're a front. | 0:10:54 | 0:10:58 | |
I think it's a given they're a front, | 0:10:58 | 0:11:01 | |
but what are they a front for? | 0:11:01 | 0:11:02 | |
What are the two things that cobblers' shops actually do? What do they actually do? | 0:11:02 | 0:11:05 | |
They cut your keys and they make house signs for you. | 0:11:05 | 0:11:09 | |
OK? So you're spending hundreds of pounds | 0:11:09 | 0:11:11 | |
making your house as secure as you possibly want, burglar alarms, | 0:11:11 | 0:11:14 | |
fitting all sorts of lock. | 0:11:14 | 0:11:15 | |
You're then going along to a man who pretends to fix shoes, | 0:11:15 | 0:11:18 | |
who you don't know, you're saying, "Here are my keys. | 0:11:18 | 0:11:21 | |
"I'll be back in an hour. | 0:11:21 | 0:11:23 | |
"And while I'm here, could you make a big, | 0:11:23 | 0:11:25 | |
"idiosyncratic sign to show you exactly where I live?" | 0:11:25 | 0:11:29 | |
And we wonder how they're funding themselves. | 0:11:29 | 0:11:31 | |
And then they wear your own shoes to burgle your house, | 0:11:31 | 0:11:34 | |
so they can't trace the footprints. | 0:11:34 | 0:11:36 | |
Exactly. It's like the best episode of The Wire EVER. | 0:11:36 | 0:11:39 | |
Can I ask a personal question? Of course you can. | 0:11:39 | 0:11:43 | |
What size shoe do you take? I take a 14. | 0:11:43 | 0:11:46 | |
AUDIENCE GASPS | 0:11:46 | 0:11:48 | |
How lovely to get a gasp for your shoe size. | 0:11:48 | 0:11:51 | |
So I'd have thought... | 0:11:51 | 0:11:53 | |
Are they quite hard to find, size 14s? | 0:11:53 | 0:11:56 | |
Well, I tend to sort of leave them by the door, so it's... | 0:11:56 | 0:11:59 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:12:01 | 0:12:03 | |
OK. Well, I'm worried about cobblers, but you argue it well. | 0:12:08 | 0:12:13 | |
So, what doesn't Roisin like about modern life? | 0:12:13 | 0:12:16 | |
Me. | 0:12:23 | 0:12:24 | |
Selfies. | 0:12:25 | 0:12:27 | |
Yes. | 0:12:27 | 0:12:29 | |
Er, "selfie" is a word used for people who take | 0:12:29 | 0:12:32 | |
photos of themself relentlessly and put them online. | 0:12:32 | 0:12:35 | |
I don't mind a selfie where people sort of look ridiculous, | 0:12:35 | 0:12:39 | |
but the sort of vain... Like that... Yeah, thanks. | 0:12:39 | 0:12:43 | |
But the sort of need people have to sort of document their own | 0:12:43 | 0:12:45 | |
existence to the point now they just take photos of themselves | 0:12:45 | 0:12:48 | |
looking nice, and, sort of, you have lots of young teenage girls | 0:12:48 | 0:12:51 | |
sort of pulling that face, doing that. | 0:12:51 | 0:12:54 | |
And you know what's really upsetting, | 0:12:54 | 0:12:56 | |
is these people have got, like, 5,000 followers on Twitter, | 0:12:56 | 0:12:58 | |
and yet no-one to take a photo of them. | 0:12:58 | 0:13:01 | |
It's like at least have the decency to hide your own arm | 0:13:01 | 0:13:04 | |
so it looks like you were with someone | 0:13:04 | 0:13:06 | |
and someone else thought your dress was nice enough to photo. | 0:13:06 | 0:13:10 | |
You can actually crop the pictures... Totally. | 0:13:10 | 0:13:12 | |
..and get your arm off. It's the lack of intelligence that upsets me the most about selfies. | 0:13:12 | 0:13:16 | |
You know that famous Van Gogh self-portrait? | 0:13:16 | 0:13:20 | |
If you actually looked at the original version of that... | 0:13:20 | 0:13:23 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:13:23 | 0:13:26 | |
..that was actually a selfie. | 0:13:28 | 0:13:30 | |
Are you familiar with "hot dogs or legs"? | 0:13:30 | 0:13:32 | |
Sorry? | 0:13:32 | 0:13:33 | |
Hot dogs or legs. It's a selfie-based phenomenon. | 0:13:33 | 0:13:37 | |
So, what you have to do, people take a photo of themselves, maybe, | 0:13:37 | 0:13:42 | |
and you have to guess whether it is their legs or whether it's hot dogs. | 0:13:42 | 0:13:46 | |
Let me show you an example. | 0:13:47 | 0:13:49 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:13:50 | 0:13:53 | |
It's tricky, isn't it? I'll show you another one. | 0:13:53 | 0:13:57 | |
You'll get this one. | 0:13:57 | 0:13:59 | |
What do you think? Hot dogs. Yes. | 0:14:02 | 0:14:04 | |
I think they've used the napkin to try and create a skirt... | 0:14:04 | 0:14:08 | |
Yeah. Went too far. | 0:14:08 | 0:14:09 | |
..to fool us. | 0:14:09 | 0:14:10 | |
This last one really... This confuses me. | 0:14:10 | 0:14:13 | |
I think that that's a leg and a hot dog. | 0:14:14 | 0:14:17 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:17 | 0:14:18 | |
Because... Yeah, it's a leg on the left, isn't it? | 0:14:18 | 0:14:21 | |
Yeah, that one on the right, you don't get a thighbone that | 0:14:21 | 0:14:24 | |
bends in like that normally. | 0:14:24 | 0:14:26 | |
I think that's legs. I think that's legs. Yeah? Yeah. | 0:14:26 | 0:14:29 | |
Can I just say - why are we doing the rest of the show? | 0:14:29 | 0:14:31 | |
Can we not just do this for half an hour? | 0:14:31 | 0:14:34 | |
I sort of use selfies in order to send messages. | 0:14:34 | 0:14:37 | |
So I've got a few examples that I use. | 0:14:37 | 0:14:40 | |
"I'm sorry I'm running late." | 0:14:40 | 0:14:41 | |
"Thanks for dinner." | 0:14:44 | 0:14:46 | |
And I haven't actually used this one yet, but I've got it in waiting. | 0:14:49 | 0:14:52 | |
Here it is. This is, "I'm having a heart attack". | 0:14:52 | 0:14:56 | |
They've saved me a hell of a lot of time, I must say. | 0:15:01 | 0:15:03 | |
Anyway, what doesn't Joan like about modern life? | 0:15:03 | 0:15:07 | |
Customer service surveys. | 0:15:13 | 0:15:16 | |
Hmm. No options. None of the options that we want. | 0:15:16 | 0:15:20 | |
You're given options from - disappointing, good, | 0:15:20 | 0:15:24 | |
very good, brilliant. | 0:15:24 | 0:15:26 | |
What you want to tell them is fired up with real hatred | 0:15:26 | 0:15:31 | |
of what the experience has been like, and there's no scope for that. | 0:15:31 | 0:15:34 | |
Most people don't do these surveys at all, | 0:15:34 | 0:15:37 | |
so the people who have sent this round get a distorted view | 0:15:37 | 0:15:41 | |
that everybody has to tick something, so they tick "good", | 0:15:41 | 0:15:44 | |
and they say, "This product is an absolute hit with the public." | 0:15:44 | 0:15:48 | |
It's completely deluded. | 0:15:48 | 0:15:51 | |
Isn't it nice that they care about our opinion? | 0:15:51 | 0:15:53 | |
No, they don't care. It's a marketing ploy. | 0:15:53 | 0:15:56 | |
If they cared they wouldn't... This is advertising speak. | 0:15:56 | 0:16:00 | |
This is to placate the managing director. | 0:16:00 | 0:16:03 | |
This is to please the shareholders. | 0:16:03 | 0:16:05 | |
This is nothing to do with the service they give you. | 0:16:05 | 0:16:07 | |
They want praise. | 0:16:07 | 0:16:09 | |
Everybody wants praise, but this is a deluded way of going about it, | 0:16:09 | 0:16:12 | |
because you convince people you're running a successful business | 0:16:12 | 0:16:15 | |
when all your customers are furious with the lack of standards. | 0:16:15 | 0:16:20 | |
So, in the interests of consumers I think these should go in Room 101. | 0:16:20 | 0:16:25 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:16:25 | 0:16:28 | |
This is my favourite ever complaint in a cafe or restaurant. | 0:16:28 | 0:16:33 | |
That's written in ketchup and mustard. | 0:16:33 | 0:16:36 | |
Wow. | 0:16:36 | 0:16:38 | |
That's what they call complaining with relish. | 0:16:38 | 0:16:41 | |
Can I end this on a happy note? | 0:16:43 | 0:16:46 | |
On the subject of customer service, I love this. | 0:16:46 | 0:16:49 | |
A man took his eight-year-old son on holiday to the Ritz Carlton Hotel | 0:16:49 | 0:16:54 | |
in Florida, and when he left they forgot his cuddly toy, Joshy. | 0:16:54 | 0:17:00 | |
The child was in bits, and the dad said, | 0:17:00 | 0:17:04 | |
"Well, the thing is, Joshy, you know, he's getting on now. | 0:17:04 | 0:17:08 | |
"He's having a vacation on his own." | 0:17:08 | 0:17:10 | |
So then he desperately phoned the hotel and said, "Is Joshy there?" | 0:17:10 | 0:17:14 | |
They said, "Yeah, we've got it." | 0:17:14 | 0:17:15 | |
And he said, "OK, well, can you hold on to it for a few days, | 0:17:15 | 0:17:18 | |
"cos I've told him that Joshy's on vacation?" | 0:17:18 | 0:17:22 | |
And they sent back a series of pictures of Joshy enjoying | 0:17:22 | 0:17:27 | |
the hotel facilities. | 0:17:27 | 0:17:28 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:17:31 | 0:17:34 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:38 | 0:17:41 | |
So, you know what? I love that story. | 0:17:42 | 0:17:46 | |
OK. So, I don't feel I can put cobblers in, Richard. | 0:17:46 | 0:17:52 | |
I just think we'll miss them. | 0:17:52 | 0:17:54 | |
And selfies, as I think I've proved, | 0:17:54 | 0:17:56 | |
can be a great practical boon in life. | 0:17:56 | 0:17:59 | |
But I can see little or no good, you've argued it so well, Joan, | 0:17:59 | 0:18:04 | |
I am going to put customer service surveys into Room 101. | 0:18:04 | 0:18:07 | |
Next category, please. | 0:18:19 | 0:18:21 | |
It's the wildcard category, which means no restraints, | 0:18:27 | 0:18:30 | |
you can pick anything at all you don't like. | 0:18:30 | 0:18:32 | |
So what is Roisin's wildcard? | 0:18:32 | 0:18:34 | |
Greeting cards with writing already in it. | 0:18:39 | 0:18:42 | |
Right. I can't bear them. | 0:18:42 | 0:18:43 | |
If you're going to bother buying and sending someone a card, | 0:18:43 | 0:18:46 | |
at least have the decency to write your own message. | 0:18:46 | 0:18:50 | |
Erm, and it's become, like, now they're like books. | 0:18:50 | 0:18:52 | |
You know those cards that have got pages of, like, | 0:18:52 | 0:18:55 | |
synthetic emotion that I can't compete with, so you're just like, | 0:18:55 | 0:18:59 | |
"To Mum, love, Roisin," like loads of stuff that's quite dramatic. | 0:18:59 | 0:19:03 | |
Yes. I don't buy them, and my sister does, | 0:19:03 | 0:19:05 | |
and then my mum reads that out as if it's from my sister, | 0:19:05 | 0:19:08 | |
and then reads mine out, like, "To Mum, love you". | 0:19:08 | 0:19:11 | |
She's like, "Oh, you could've made an effort". | 0:19:11 | 0:19:13 | |
I'm like, "She bought it... Clintons wrote that, not her." | 0:19:13 | 0:19:16 | |
I like to write under the verse, | 0:19:16 | 0:19:18 | |
"This is a fair approximation of what I feel." | 0:19:18 | 0:19:21 | |
I'm always at a loss on what to write on cards, | 0:19:24 | 0:19:28 | |
so I'm kind of glad for a bit of help. | 0:19:28 | 0:19:31 | |
This is a card, | 0:19:31 | 0:19:32 | |
this is for people who've recently split up in a relationship, | 0:19:32 | 0:19:35 | |
and it says, "You're the strongest person I know." | 0:19:35 | 0:19:40 | |
I sent one of those to Geoff Capes. | 0:19:40 | 0:19:42 | |
Look, "And I totally believe in you." | 0:19:44 | 0:19:47 | |
How lovely. | 0:19:47 | 0:19:48 | |
It didn't really apply to anyone that I knew, | 0:19:48 | 0:19:51 | |
so I got a bit of Tipp-Ex... | 0:19:51 | 0:19:54 | |
and I just gave it a bit of a... | 0:19:54 | 0:19:56 | |
And now I can send them to loads of my friends. | 0:19:57 | 0:20:01 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:20:03 | 0:20:04 | |
See, you've just got to give it a bit of thought. | 0:20:06 | 0:20:10 | |
This is slightly sad, but a friend of mine was bereaved recently, | 0:20:10 | 0:20:15 | |
and I sent them this, "With deepest sympathy card", | 0:20:15 | 0:20:19 | |
and, er, I went for the... | 0:20:19 | 0:20:21 | |
You see, you condemn the selfie, they're so versatile. | 0:20:24 | 0:20:27 | |
OK, well, let's see what Joan's wildcard is. | 0:20:29 | 0:20:32 | |
Chewing gum. | 0:20:37 | 0:20:38 | |
AUDIENCE GROANS | 0:20:38 | 0:20:40 | |
How vile is it? | 0:20:40 | 0:20:43 | |
You mean generally or on pavements? | 0:20:43 | 0:20:45 | |
Altogether, because it loses its flavour after ten seconds, | 0:20:45 | 0:20:49 | |
then you've got a mouthful of rubber. | 0:20:49 | 0:20:50 | |
It doesn't do anything. | 0:20:50 | 0:20:52 | |
It just sticks there, and your jaw chews around at it, makes lots | 0:20:52 | 0:20:56 | |
of saliva, horrible, and you look ridiculous, so you spit it out. | 0:20:56 | 0:21:01 | |
Then it disfigures the environment. | 0:21:01 | 0:21:04 | |
It spoils the pavements, it sticks to people's shoes, | 0:21:04 | 0:21:06 | |
and it sets up these spots everywhere, | 0:21:06 | 0:21:09 | |
which are very expensive to remove, and are just a disgrace to the | 0:21:09 | 0:21:13 | |
environment, which we want to be beautiful. | 0:21:13 | 0:21:15 | |
The trouble is, as my mother told me, | 0:21:15 | 0:21:18 | |
if you swallow it, it sticks your insides up. | 0:21:18 | 0:21:21 | |
Did you used to pull it out, and do that with it? | 0:21:21 | 0:21:25 | |
Yes, I used to do that. | 0:21:25 | 0:21:27 | |
I've done that with catarrh. | 0:21:29 | 0:21:31 | |
Oh, my God. | 0:21:33 | 0:21:34 | |
Well, I have one thing that might win you over, Joan, | 0:21:35 | 0:21:39 | |
and this is something which I think is pretty impressive. | 0:21:39 | 0:21:43 | |
There is a man, and he's called Ben Wilson, | 0:21:43 | 0:21:46 | |
and Ben Wilson is known as the chewing gum man. | 0:21:46 | 0:21:48 | |
Now, we have a photograph of Ben, doing what he does. | 0:21:48 | 0:21:52 | |
Ben actually paints those chewing gum splodges on the pavement | 0:21:52 | 0:21:59 | |
which annoy you so much. Now, Ben is here tonight. Where is Ben? | 0:21:59 | 0:22:03 | |
Hello, Ben, how are you? Well done. | 0:22:03 | 0:22:06 | |
We have a couple of examples of your work, Ben, | 0:22:12 | 0:22:15 | |
just to give people an idea. | 0:22:15 | 0:22:17 | |
This is a scene from Archway in North London. | 0:22:17 | 0:22:21 | |
Wow. | 0:22:22 | 0:22:23 | |
And this is a full English breakfast. | 0:22:23 | 0:22:27 | |
And can I say, they're definitely sausages. | 0:22:29 | 0:22:31 | |
So, how did it all start, Ben? | 0:22:33 | 0:22:35 | |
Well, advertisers have a monopoly over public space, | 0:22:35 | 0:22:38 | |
and it was a way to make creativity happen in a more spontaneous way. | 0:22:38 | 0:22:43 | |
And technically, if you paint on the chewing gum, | 0:22:43 | 0:22:46 | |
it's not criminal damage. | 0:22:46 | 0:22:48 | |
Oh, cos you're not painting on the pavement. | 0:22:48 | 0:22:51 | |
You're not painting on the pavement. | 0:22:51 | 0:22:52 | |
The City of London Police tried to get me on a criminal damage charge. | 0:22:52 | 0:22:56 | |
They did arrest me. But I won my case. | 0:22:56 | 0:22:58 | |
They couldn't make the charges stick. | 0:22:58 | 0:23:01 | |
Well, look, Ben has done something very wonderful, | 0:23:07 | 0:23:10 | |
because he has mounted some chewing gum on a brick, | 0:23:10 | 0:23:13 | |
and this shows us the life, basically, of Joan Bakewell. | 0:23:13 | 0:23:18 | |
If you can see that, | 0:23:19 | 0:23:21 | |
down there you've got Joan as a child with her family. | 0:23:21 | 0:23:24 | |
Good heavens! Then Joan in the '60s. | 0:23:24 | 0:23:27 | |
Then Joan as a '70s TV presenter, and then Joan, there she is, | 0:23:28 | 0:23:33 | |
as she is now. Wow. | 0:23:33 | 0:23:35 | |
And they're really good likenesses. That's fabulous. | 0:23:35 | 0:23:37 | |
What can I say? I can't retrieve my hatred of this kind of gum, | 0:23:41 | 0:23:45 | |
but can you get round faster? | 0:23:45 | 0:23:48 | |
It's beautiful. What about a big hand for Ben? Fabulous art. | 0:23:50 | 0:23:53 | |
OK. So what is Richard's wildcard? | 0:23:56 | 0:23:59 | |
It is people telling me I'm tall. | 0:24:04 | 0:24:07 | |
Because, believe me, I know. I already know. | 0:24:12 | 0:24:15 | |
I'm reminded in my daily life - I bump my head on things, | 0:24:15 | 0:24:18 | |
I get tutted at in cinemas and what have you. | 0:24:18 | 0:24:20 | |
I don't need people endlessly coming up in the streets | 0:24:20 | 0:24:23 | |
and informing me of the fact. | 0:24:23 | 0:24:25 | |
I'm 6'7", or I'm 6'8" if I'm trying to get an upgrade on a plane, | 0:24:25 | 0:24:29 | |
but, lots of people come up to you in the street, | 0:24:29 | 0:24:31 | |
and people are interested if you're tall, | 0:24:31 | 0:24:33 | |
and it's exciting and people are lovely. | 0:24:33 | 0:24:35 | |
So, by and large, it's fine. | 0:24:35 | 0:24:37 | |
But it's the people who shout out of car windows, | 0:24:37 | 0:24:39 | |
"Hey, you're tall, mate!" | 0:24:39 | 0:24:41 | |
So, people actually tell you that you're tall? | 0:24:43 | 0:24:45 | |
Oh, endlessly. | 0:24:45 | 0:24:47 | |
There's a class of people who delight in telling anyone they're different. | 0:24:47 | 0:24:51 | |
For most people, | 0:24:51 | 0:24:52 | |
differences are wonderful things and we celebrate them. | 0:24:52 | 0:24:55 | |
Most people are like that, but there are a group of people as well, | 0:24:55 | 0:24:58 | |
who, whatever it is in their brains, | 0:24:58 | 0:25:00 | |
will delight in letting you know that something about you is unusual. | 0:25:00 | 0:25:03 | |
I mean if your shoelace is undone, that's good. That's helpful. | 0:25:03 | 0:25:06 | |
If you're telling me I'm tall, I promise you, it's covered. | 0:25:06 | 0:25:10 | |
I was in a shop the other day, and people quite often ask me | 0:25:10 | 0:25:12 | |
to get things off high shelves... | 0:25:12 | 0:25:14 | |
Do they really? As I say, most people are lovely. | 0:25:14 | 0:25:17 | |
So I'm in a shop and there's a lady, must have been 70-odd, very, very short, and she said, | 0:25:17 | 0:25:21 | |
"You couldn't get me some eggs from up there, could you?" I said, "Oh, absolutely". | 0:25:21 | 0:25:25 | |
So I got them and gave them to her, and she just went, | 0:25:25 | 0:25:27 | |
"Is there anything I can get you from down here?" | 0:25:27 | 0:25:30 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:25:30 | 0:25:33 | |
I've invented something. It's called the height reversal platform. | 0:25:36 | 0:25:42 | |
OK. You're nine inches taller than me. Uh-huh. | 0:25:42 | 0:25:46 | |
And it must be, for you, thinking, "God, what's it like for Frank | 0:25:46 | 0:25:50 | |
"being next to a man who's nine inches..?" | 0:25:50 | 0:25:53 | |
So the height reversal platform, if you'll come and join me, Richard, | 0:25:53 | 0:25:58 | |
means that we can show you what it would be like if you were me... | 0:25:58 | 0:26:03 | |
OK. ..as it were. | 0:26:03 | 0:26:05 | |
So can you bring on the height reversal platform, please? | 0:26:05 | 0:26:08 | |
OK. I've got you. | 0:26:15 | 0:26:18 | |
Yeah? Yeah. | 0:26:18 | 0:26:20 | |
So I stand on here, you step into those... Ah. | 0:26:20 | 0:26:23 | |
This is what you're like to me. | 0:26:31 | 0:26:33 | |
God, you're tall, aren't you? Yeah. Can I try these? | 0:26:33 | 0:26:37 | |
There we go. | 0:26:37 | 0:26:38 | |
There you go. | 0:26:39 | 0:26:41 | |
People watching this will think, | 0:26:41 | 0:26:43 | |
"Yeah, God, that Richard Osman's dressed smart." | 0:26:43 | 0:26:46 | |
Or they might think, "Blimey, Michael Gove's tall." | 0:26:47 | 0:26:50 | |
Actually, it'd be interesting to see what would happen if we, er... | 0:26:57 | 0:27:00 | |
If instead of balancing, it made things... Reverse around. | 0:27:00 | 0:27:03 | |
Yeah. Let's blow people's minds, Frank. | 0:27:03 | 0:27:06 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:27:08 | 0:27:12 | |
Thank you, Richard. | 0:27:22 | 0:27:24 | |
The height reversal platform, ladies and gentlemen. | 0:27:24 | 0:27:27 | |
CHEERING | 0:27:27 | 0:27:30 | |
I love the removal men. | 0:27:32 | 0:27:33 | |
They're like something from Laurel and Hardy, aren't they? | 0:27:33 | 0:27:36 | |
So, Roisin, I've often been very glad of a bit of help with | 0:27:36 | 0:27:41 | |
a greetings card, I must admit, so I just can't put that into Room 101. | 0:27:41 | 0:27:45 | |
Joan, you argued so well, and I am anti-litter, very, very much so, | 0:27:45 | 0:27:49 | |
but I just thought Ben's art was so good, | 0:27:49 | 0:27:52 | |
I just don't feel I can put it in. | 0:27:52 | 0:27:54 | |
But, Richard, I do feel for you. | 0:27:54 | 0:27:56 | |
Can anyone watching just... He knows. He knows. | 0:27:56 | 0:27:59 | |
And consequently, I'm going to put | 0:27:59 | 0:28:01 | |
people telling Richard he's tall into Room 101. | 0:28:01 | 0:28:03 | |
And that brings us to the end of the show, | 0:28:16 | 0:28:18 | |
and well done, Richard, you were the most persuasive guest tonight, | 0:28:18 | 0:28:22 | |
so you are tonight's winner. | 0:28:22 | 0:28:24 | |
So, thank you very much to Richard Osman, to Joan Bakewell | 0:28:26 | 0:28:30 | |
and Roisin Conaty, and thank you, good night. | 0:28:30 | 0:28:32 |