Episode 2 Room 101

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,

the show where three guests compete to cast their greatest gripes

into the notorious vault that is Room 101.

Let's meet this week's guests.

Joining me tonight are comedian Henning Wehn,

musical star Michael Ball, and actress Caroline Quentin.

APPLAUSE

OK. Let's have our first category.

Modern life. So, what winds up Michael about modern life?

There isn't a person who won't agree with this.

It's the junk mail that we get.

That dread. You go away on holiday, and it's bad enough travelling,

but, you know, you come, you put the key in the door,

you can't open the door because it's mounded up, piles and piles.

You get the same...

How long do you go on holiday for?

I don't know if it's just me they pick on,

but you get the same thing, the same bloody pizza delivery thing.

Don't bother. I don't want it.

I don't know anybody who ever responds to this stuff.

No. I don't think anybody actually picks it up and goes,

"Ooh, that looks yum, I must go and get some of that".

Younger people do.

I mean, it's just...

No, it is. I mean, that's something...

I mean, if people have reached a certain maturity,

so then, they'll just say, "Oh, I'm set in my ways.

"I don't need to find out".

More dynamic people might go, "Ooh, there is a new pizza place.

"I must try that out".

One thing that puts me off a bit is the pizza, I have discovered,

is not pizza that's photographed at the shop.

-It's Google Image pizza.

-Really?

I have this same problem with those postcards you get in phone boxes.

It's not them. Have you considered recycling?

No. In what way?

-Well, I had this idea. Do you own a dog?

-Yeah, two.

You know when they get an operation and they have stitches

and you have to put those funnels on?

Look at this.

LAUGHTER

This is classic recycling. I'm thinking I could market this.

It would suffocate him over time.

There's only so many leaflets you can stick in there.

Yeah. I'm not going to keep adding leaflets to it.

Yeah, but what are you going to do with the rest of the leaflets?

We're going to make more. I'm not working on one dog.

What kind of a market is that?

We have a clip of someone who seems to hate junk mail as much as you do.

DOG BARKS MANIACALLY

I want to manage what comes in and out of my house.

It's like vampires.

They'll only come in...

Work with me.

Vampires can only come into the house if you invite them.

-Really?

-Absolutely.

-Is that right?

-What? I didn't know that.

Do you watch no television?

If you say to a vampire, "You can't come in my house."

They can't come in.

They have to be invited into your house, in order

to then suck your blood.

Are you sure you're not thinking of the Jehovah's Witnesses?

What winds up Caroline about modern life?

Control pants.

Undergarments designed for women, primarily,

I think almost exclusively,

that are meant to hold in the bits of pork that want to get away.

I find them uncomfortable and hideous and ugly and useless,

and also I think what's sexy about people is how they move,

and if you actually make someone immobile, when they're going out,

I think that's not sexy.

I had never heard of the word, "control pants".

I assumed that was like a euphemism for, like, control freak.

Like, "Oh, yeah, he's a right old control pants, he is".

I have been subjected to these for years.

People always say to you, "Oh, is it a photo shoot? Slip those on."

And they hand you something that big.

Actually those.

Yeah.

And then you go off into a corner,

and then you cram yourself into some Lycra.

As we know in life, what goes up, must come down,

and in my case...

..everything tends to come upwards.

So this bit of my person rises to about here,

and then I can't eat or move for the rest of the day.

Maybe if it came out the top, you could have

a self-generated snood.

Women in this audience will know exactly what I'm talking about,

and I don't think you understand quite how grim they are to wear,

-these things.

-I'm very thin, with a little potbelly.

I look like...

You know when you see those pictures of a snake that's swallowed a goat?

So, I really... A girdle would be perfect for me.

As it is, I just opted for a desk.

I'd rather wear a desk.

OK, then. So what doesn't Henning like about modern life?

Yeah. Well, there is nothing wrong with buckets.

But what they're used for is evil.

So what I absolutely hate is anything to do with fundraising.

-You know...

-I thought that would get a big round of applause.

You know them e-mails, don't you, Frank?

Like them e-mails that go like,

"Ooh, I'm going to do a fun thing I always wanted to do.

"Give generously."

-What?

-I've just done one of those, and I sent all my friends an e-mail

saying, "I'm doing a 30-mile... Please sponsor me."

Next time, I'm going to do that to you.

What response will I get?

Well, I'll send you lots of junk mail round.

I think it's outrageous. I mean, if you want to do something,

why do you bother other people about it?

I think it's outrageous.

It's like a friend of mine

recently went on a 100k fell walk in the Pennines,

and he was seriously angry with me for me not donating any money.

I said, "Listen, where I'm from,

"you going for a walk shouldn't set me back."

APPLAUSE

You know all them e-mails, don't you?

Like, "Oh, I'm going to go to Rio de Janeiro,

"sunbathe on the Copacabana and watch football at the Maracana...

"for charity."

We have a clip here. You'll like this.

This is students trying to raise money for their rag week.

The idea in this is they send balloons

with the names of their sponsors out into the world,

and if you find one of these, you send it back.

The first one back wins a prize.

So, this is the grand launch.

Three, two, one, launch!

BALLOONS POP

The worst month to live in the UK, without a shadow of a doubt,

is November...

and that's got nothing to do with Remembrance Sunday.

Or, as I like to call it, Highly-Selective Remembrance Sunday.

LAUGHTER

You're so on a winner here.

The thing that really drives me...

I suppose you're used to losing.

It's started.

Yeah, thanks for bringing that up.

That Hitler was a right control pants, wasn't he?

LAUGHTER

Sorry, Henning.

Because in November, there's people coming up to me asking me

for my hard-earned, because they're not shaving.

-Movember.

-Yeah, Movember nonsense. I mean, what's the next step?

Getting beaten up if you maintain standards and do shave?

Who is behind the Movember movement?

Is it the Taliban?

Ridiculous. Start to finish, ridiculous. And everyone's at it.

Everyone's at it.

Ian Botham, he didn't get his OBE for playing cricket.

He got his OBE for walking all the way from Cornwall to the north tip

of Scotland for charity,

and Eddie Izzard running 50 marathons in 50 days

and David Walliams swimming across the Channel and down the Thames

for Comic Relief, or, to be more precise, his own ego.

LAUGHTER

They're all very British achievements, aren't they?

Walking a lot, running a lot, swimming a lot -

they're all very British achievements,

because nothing's been produced.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Anyway, we come to the end of the Modern Life round

and it's been fun.

The control pants thing, I can understand how they are a restraint,

but I think that they...

There's something that's a little bit intriguing

and exciting about them.

That's why they should go, Frank.

I'm sorry, Caroline. I know what you mean,

but I am not going to put control pants into Room 101.

AUDIENCE: Aww.

That sounded like a lot of people taking them off.

LAUGHTER

That's exactly what it's like!

Junk mail. I never understand why people get so angry about junk mail.

I'm always interested to find out about a new takeaway

-or local cab firm.

-You're weird.

I have to say, although it goes against all my inner goodness,

that you have argued your case so well,

I am going to put fundraising into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

Right. Let's have our next category.

People. Right. What kind of people doesn't Caroline like?

I don't like clairvoyants...

..because I don't believe in clairvoyants.

I don't like them for lots of reasons, but it seems that

everybody here, kind of, understands what I'm talking about.

I went to... It was a show, and I went along to see three people

who claimed to be able to see...beyond.

First of all, we were introduced to a lady who walked out and said,

"Oh, oh, oh, I've got... Oh, something's coming through."

You get to a certain age...

She walked around the audience, she said, "Yes, I can feel something

coming from this bit of the audience here, something coming through.

"Oh, oh! There's an old man.

"He's got glasses on. He's using a stick.

"Does anyone know an old man who uses a stick?"

It's like, what are the chances?

"And he's died. I think he's not breathing very well.

"I think when he died, he had trouble breathing."

That's what dying is!

It was humiliating and embarrassing and it was slightly cruel.

-But do you think anyone has a gift?

-No.

-Can sense things?

I'm basing it on this evening of clairvoyance at the cricket club.

And...you know, I wasn't convinced by anybody.

At one point, she said, "I've got Swansea coming through. Swansea."

And no-one said anything at all.

She went, "Anyone been to Swansea, ever?"

No-one, nothing at all, and she went, "DVLA? Anybody got a car?"

It was desperate.

A friend of mine went to see one in Watford.

He swears this is true.

This bloke come out and says, "I've got the letter D. The letter D.

"I've got a name. The letter D. Anyone? The letter...

"Dad".

LAUGHTER

This brings me on to Derek Acorah,

who doesn't only speak to humans in the world of spirits.

I'm going to describe, please, he's only a little guy.

We would call him... OK...very small legs.

Small body. Tail, clipped.

He's white and he's got brown...light brown patches and dark brown patches.

Would that fit with the memory of your dog?

Near enough, he was...black with a white...

Yeah.

That's near enough, isn't it?

OK. So what sort of people wind up Michael?

People who wear comedy pants, socks and ties.

They're the most pointless things going. They're never funny.

They, I think, are worn by people who show a lack of humour.

Especially the Christmas ones that have a reindeer with a flashing nose

on it, and you'll get three of them, at midnight mass at Christmas,

who'll press the nose, and it'll play Jingle Bells,

and it's hilarious!

And it's not.

If it's for the occasion, say it's Christmas,

and there's a little snowman on it, by all means.

Don't have to be draconian on everything.

At last, the voice of reason.

Have you never seen a tie which is, sort of, a comedy tie

-that you've thought, "Actually, that's quite a good tie?"

-No.

I've got one. I think this is quite funny.

If we can actually read that.

It says, "Fat men are harder to kidnap".

I bought this for Terry Waite.

-And, you're right, he didn't laugh.

-No.

And pants, as well. Comedy pants, comedy socks.

They're pointless. They're always cheap.

They're vulgar.

Well, what about these? These are for men.

They're for men who like Maltese Terriers, and it says,

-"My heart belongs to a Maltese".

-They're not really for men.

They're not for men. They're not for men. That's never for a man.

They are for men.

Dog pants on a man looks better than human tights on a dog.

LAUGHTER

That's horrific. That's horrific!

-I like a comedy sock. And in fact, this evening...

-Uh-oh.

-Oh, God.

-I have... You'll like these.

APPLAUSE

Yeah, we love those.

-Do you know what? I love them.

-I knew you would!

OK. Well, what sort of people...

LAUGHTER

..make Henning Wehn angry?

Oh, dear.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

BOOING

Now, come on. They're my lot. I can make fun about them.

I suggest we abolish the monarchy, because I feel, well, see,

-I feel so sorry for all the members of the royal family.

-Why?

Well, because, you know, life is about bettering yourself,

but, when you're born into the royal family,

how are they going to better themselves?

"Here's everything."

"OK, then."

So, now imagine William and Harry born into a regular family.

I mean, you could easily see Harry getting a job at a garage,

and William, I mean, who is to say William couldn't make it up

into middle management in a recruitment company?

Let's abolish the monarchy and give them an opportunity

of upward social mobility.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

As we all know, they are essentially German, the British monarchy.

Well, not all Germans are good people.

Even the Duke of Edinburgh, his family name

is Schleswig Holstein Sonderburg Glucksburg.

Everybody's talking 'bout pop music.

So have you ever... Have you met them? Any of them?

You would think they'd invite me round for tea,

-but, no, never met them.

-But there is...

-Have you, Michael?

-Well, once or twice.

Here's a clip of Prince Charles at the Doctor Who studios in Cardiff,

so he must be all right.

DALEK: We are the masters of this planet.

EXTERMINATE!

Would you like to have a go?

-I don't think my voice will...

-Give it a go.

-Do you make it...?

-You have to do some serious hectoring.

-DALEK VOICE:

-You have to!

-DALEK VOICE:

-Exterminate!

Exterminate! Exterminate!

That's very good.

There's a bit later, which we couldn't show,

when he starts going, "Mum, abdicate! Mum, abdicate!"

So that is the end of the round

and I am not going to put the royal family in,

because I just love all that pomp and circumstance.

APPLAUSE

And I'm not going to put comedy socks, pants and ties in,

because I identify with the office joker and his wacky sense of humour.

I think that's marvellous. But you're right, clairvoyants,

although they are extremely entertaining,

they're also extremely exploitative, in many ways,

so I am going to put clairvoyants into Room 101.

Quite right.

Next category, please.

OK, it's the wildcard. So, the gloves are off.

You can choose anything at all that you don't like.

What is Caroline's wildcard?

Knick-knacks.

Ooh.

Yeah. Bibelots. Trinkets. Bits and bobs.

Basically, I've chosen the things that, as I'm getting older,

I find myself mysteriously drawn to.

I would not have given house room to a stone with two googly eyes

and a tail when I was 45, but the minute I turned 50,

I can't walk through a gift shop without touching cushions

with tapestry kittens on,

or bookmarks with "Darling, sister, how I love thee," on them.

It's something I think that happens to you when you hit the menopause,

and it's a biological response to crap.

-And whereas, before, you were perfectly rational...

-Mm-hmm.

..when you hit the menopause, your temperature goes way up,

and you start buying fudge and notepads.

It's like you can't...

So why don't you put the menopause, then, into Room 101?

LAUGHTER

Because...

APPLAUSE

..the menopause is the result of having been fertile

and without fertility, you wouldn't be here.

Mum!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You've got tat all behind you, you see. You've got all that stuff.

-Yeah.

-I love it. I love a bit of clutter.

-You've got a Toby jug there.

-This is absolute...

This is not for comedy purposes. I took a photo of this. I own this.

This is a vacuum cleaner cover that I bought.

It's a country mouse vacuum cleaner cover.

It's really quite grotesque.

It's a little bit frightening at night.

Where do you hold it?

You have to take it off the Hoover. You don't hoover with it.

I don't want people to come round

and think I'm dancing with a woodland creature.

The thing when I was a kid, everyone used to have those things,

-including us, a gift from Weymouth...

-Yeah.

..and stuff. And I think people brought those back to prove

they hadn't really served a short custodial sentence.

It was like, "We really did go to Weymouth."

Let's see what Henning's wildcard is.

What I definitely want to outlaw is people singing Happy Birthday

in a restaurant.

APPLAUSE

I like singing in any context.

It's nice that people... A bit of community singing.

-But it's not, really.

-There's something lovely about community singing.

Not really, because it's not a community feeling, is it?

Because it's, essentially, you separate yourself

from the rest of the restaurant.

So, like, there is a pizza place round where I live

and they do very good pizzas,

but you have to have eaten there by a quarter past six.

If you're not out of there by quarter past six,

it all starts to kick off.

Every half hour, on the Tannoy, they go,

# Da, da-da da, da, da. #

Then somebody bringing out a cake with some candles in,

then everybody's joining in. You don't even know them!

And then, if you really want to get involved,

move over to their table and say, "Ooh, who's birthday is it, then?

"Where is my slice of cake?"

Most people, they can't even sing properly.

That is another annoying thing.

I mean, if I want to hear people sing out of tune, I go to church.

-Can I show you my favourite ever birthday cake?

-Yes.

This was... What happened, I'll tell you the back story of this.

This woman phoned up the cake company and this is what she said.

She said she wanted "Best wishes, Suzanne", and then underneath that,

"We will miss you," and this is the cake that she got delivered.

OK, then. Let's see what Michael's wildcard is.

I feel terrible doing this,

but it's giving grown men stuffed animals and teddy bears as presents.

I've had one or two.

I've got enough now.

I don't need any more. And it's not just me.

People do it to a lot of...a lot of blokes.

They'll send, you know, as a gift.

And I suppose when you get them, you see the little...

Bags and bags.

-Actually...

-Henning can't move for teddy bears, can you?

It's the thought that counts.

I do understand that,

but why would you buy a teddy or a panda,

and think that a grown man would relish that?

Well, you want to toughen up your image.

Do you know? You're quite right. You're quite right.

They don't chuck any of them at rappers.

-I think he's onto something.

-Because it's a lovely thing...

-Why do they send that to you?

I don't know, because they're sending me a hug, and this is...

I don't know, and I don't want to get into the psychoanalysis of it.

-No.

-I just don't want any more, and I mean that in a loving way.

Yes, I'm sure.

I really do.

But honestly, why?

I don't need them.

Have you considered recycling, Michael?

I do. I give them away.

I've been sent probably about a couple of hundred

-over the years, I would say.

-You have?

-Yeah.

What do you do with them?

Well, I'll show you what I do with them.

And there's no reason why you shouldn't do this yourself.

I had them tailored.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That is awesome.

Let me just get this, get the whole outfit.

You have to take...

You have to take the...

APPLAUSE

A friend said to me, "It looks like post-nuclear Britain,"

and I have declared myself king.

-Yeah.

-It's proper Pearly King, isn't it?

Yeah, it is.

It's what I call the Coat Of Many Koalas.

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

So, look, I love knick-knacks so much

and I also love people singing in public.

It's difficult.

Just because I think Michael is such a personal victim of this attack,

it's people, as you say, who send teddy bears to grown men.

It's inappropriately to a 50-year-old man.

So, on those grounds, I am going to put people who send teddy bears

to grown men into Room 101.

OK, and that brings us to the end of the show

and it's actually a draw.

Now, normally, in these circumstances,

we have a penalty shoot-out, but just to save time,

I'm just going to give it straight to Henning, so...

-..you're this week's winner.

-Thank you very much. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

So, thanks very much, Henning Wehn, Michael Ball

and Caroline Quentin, and thank you, good night.