Episode 3 Room 101

APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,

the show where three guests battle to despatch their pet hates

to the infamous vault.

Let's meet this week's guests.

Joining me tonight are comedian Lee Mack, Hairy Biker Dave Myers,

and TV legend Ruby Wax.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Legend?

How come you get "legend"?

Let's have our first category.

Television. Watch out. OK.

What doesn't Lee like about television?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

FAINT BOOING

Top Gear.

Let's put this to bed straightaway.

I'm speaking on behalf of everyone in the world

when I say cars are boring.

Full stop.

They're not interesting.

And even the producers, I think, of the show,

know that that's true, because what they talk about is never

the reality of cars, our world of cars.

It's that fake reality of things like,

"Today, we're going to talk about off-road vehicles."

Am I the only person in the world that's never driven off a road?

I have. I've gone off, but in a normal car.

-Yeah.

-I see those women... those women, and I just swerve.

I'm not talking about your heavy drinking days, Ruby. I'm talking about... Yeah. It's the language.

The language doesn't have anything to do

with my experience of driving, you know.

You know, you'll hear them say things like, you know,

"If I talked about the new suspension on the Audi 6149,

"you'd say, 'But what about the torque?'"

No, I wouldn't.

I'd say, "Where's the cup-holder?"

because that's the only thing...

LAUGHTER

If it's on the right, good design.

If it's on the left, it's a bad design

cos I'm right-handed. That's it. Anything else...

I know nothing about cars at all. I drive a...a grey one.

What do you drive, then?

Well, as it happens, I drive a 1966 Triumph TR4A IRS,

but that's not the point.

LAUGHTER

The point is... But it's not the point, is it?

-Hold it. That's not true, is it?

-It is, yeah.

But I'd like to point out, because I know nothing about cars,

but it's an old 1960s classic car, and I love the look of it.

-I can definitely appreciate...

-Oh, God, he's going on now.

I appreciate the beauty of a car without seeing a programme about it.

Here's a thing. This is a picture of Jeremy Clarkson in a small car.

Now that...that's funny, isn't it?

I won't have a word said against this man.

Once I had him on a talk show, and my husband said,

"Whatever you do, don't ask him for a free car."

Before he actually hit the leather I said,

"Jeremy, can you fix me up with a free car?"

Anyway, he did, about ten years ago, and I've still been using his name.

He got you a free car?

He got me a deal. I can't say with who.

-No.

-But I... So I have to say "Jaguar!" as much as I can.

LAUGHTER

But would you love it more if he did more classics?

I would, because classics look nice.

All modern cars look roughly the same, don't they, roughly?

Oh, no, not a Jaguar.

LAUGHTER

This is starting to look like a really bad episode of Top Gear.

I tell you what, if he gave her the glasses with that T-shirt,

it would be a really bad episode of "Where's Wally?"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So, what doesn't Dave like about TV?

Deal Or No Deal.

Oh, Frank. Deal Or No Deal.

It's wrong on so many levels.

Starting with its core value, you know,

it's the product of cosmic ordering, apparently, by Noel Edmonds.

Apparently, he gets followed by two orbs.

One is the size of a cantaloupe melon, and it's his mother.

-Two orbs?

-Yeah, yeah. Spiritual orbs.

The other one's like a watermelon and it's his father,

-and they give him positivity and...

-Is this true?

-Yes.

-Well, hold on. Not true.

-No. I'll rephrase it.

Is it true that Noel said this?

Oh, yes. He's written a book on it.

And what it has resulted in is, like, a game show

that's completely and utterly pointless and devoid of skill.

You know what I mean?

Like, you watch Countdown, that's clever, but Deal Or No Deal,

you get somebody sweating buckets going...you know,

there's some poor soul there who needs a new wheelchair,

and they're praying for what's in that box

to make their dreams come true.

And he's going, "I'll do my best for you."

All you've got to do is open a box, haven't you?

LAUGHTER

You know, then they have specials, don't they?

They've never got the production values.

They did like a music festival one with a Portaloo,

and they made somebody sit in the Portaloo.

I just don't like it, Frank.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

PHONE RINGS

LAUGHTER

Yeah, he is, isn't he? Yes. OK.

He'll give you £10,000 to get off the show.

I'm off.

They could spice it up a bit.

If they had one box every...

every show had a box that was completely crammed with wasps.

LAUGHTER

"Argh, it's the wasp box!" That would make it more exciting.

How many times have you seen this show?

I've seen it quite a bit because I got into it.

That's why I hate myself, Ruby.

-Yeah. You're addicted.

-Well, I think I've broke it now,

cos I'm so disillusioned with myself.

I'm more a Countdown kind of person, really.

Dictionary Corner, the sums, Rachel Riley, it's fascinating.

I don't watch Countdown cos I'm a Catholic.

We can't use a conundrum.

But, Dave, you've done what I suppose is

a sort of a reality/game show,

but one that definitely requires a great deal of skill, like this.

Bring on the wall!

Knees up more, knees up more...!

Oh!

APPLAUSE

I've never done anything like that ever again. Never.

For how much money wouldn't you?

OK.

PHONE RINGS

LAUGHTER

12 grand?

Yeah, I'm in.

OK. What television show winds up Ruby?

This is good.

Oh, very good.

What is it, Ruby?

I did a show called Celebrity Shark Bait.

LAUGHTER

Many of you have seen it, I'm sure.

But Richard E Grant and I did a double suicide, career-wise.

So we said, "Yeah, who's going to see it, right?"

And it's a free trip to Cape Town.

So we go, and there's a girl, I can't remember her name,

-but fabulous cleavage.

-She's called Amy Nuttall.

-OK. Well, now I can't say anything.

-We have a picture of Amy.

This will illustrate your, er, your point.

Oh, yeah, there she is. Not bitter at all.

-So Amy clearly had attributes that I don't have, OK.

-Mmm.

So when we got to Cape Town, they never shot with Richard and I.

Every day they'd say, "Go away, old people."

Sorry to interrupt, but I must be getting really old,

cos I'm looking at her, and I really want some shortbread.

LAUGHTER

-That's a sign of age, that, isn't it?

-Yeah.

OK. Enough now. Enough.

Can we get her off now? OK.

So the day came to swim with the sharks,

and the cleavage woman said she wouldn't go in, right?

After all her training, she wouldn't go in the water,

so they took the old people, and they put us in a wetsuit.

We hadn't been prepared, so "shark lady", it said, said,

"It's perfectly all right.

"We've never had an incident.

"It's completely safe," and she had three fingers.

LAUGHTER

Anyway, it was a horrifying thing to watch.

Well, we have a clip.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God, no!

This is Ruby in the cage.

Oh, my God.

'Can he stick his head in there?'

Ruby. Ruby, Ruby, can you hear me?

Ruby?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God...

Oh, my God!

Oh, for God's sake!

It's huge!

Did you see how big that was?

How big was it?

-It's exhilarating.

-That's the biggest high I've ever had...

-in my life.

-Fantastic!

APPLAUSE

I don't... I think that might be the first time I've ever said,

"Oh, my God, it was so huge," and have a bad expression on...

But, Ruby, you say there

that it's the biggest high you've ever had in your life.

It sounds brilliant.

Well, after you get out, but while I was in there, I remember,

I went to the loo, and it came out of my collar.

SHOCKED LAUGHTER

I had a halo of gold around me.

Seriously. The shark was just disgusted.

LAUGHTER

Ruby also did Cirque de Celebrite.

-Do you have any...

-Of course we have a clip! You were the ringmaster.

-Here is... It already looks to me like you're hating it.

-Yeah.

And there's that other matter I promised you at the end of the show,

the Cirque de Celebrite human pyramid.

It's unwatchable.

Oh, I mean, unmissable.

LAUGHTER

OK. Well, look, you've all argued very well.

I just can't put Top Gear in because I've accidentally,

during the research for you hating it, have fallen in love with it.

Well, whatever. I'm easy-going.

Oh, no. Sorry.

LAUGHTER

And I think you're right.

There is just a total randomness about Deal Or No Deal,

but I've always been a great fan of gullibility

in all its manifestations, so I kind of like it for that.

But I think you argue with such fervour and personal pain...

-Yeah.

-..that I am going to put Celebrity Shark Bait...

-Thank you.

-..into Room 101.

-Thank you.

APPLAUSE

OK. Next category, please.

It's modern life. So, what doesn't Dave like about modern life?

Chunky chips.

LAUGHTER

Chunky chips are so wrong.

You know, I cook for a living, but chunky chips,

I wouldn't cook them, I wouldn't eat them.

It just doesn't work. They're always raw in the middle.

They're kind of cooked wrong on the outside.

You see, when you deep-fry, what happens, Frankie...

RUBY PRETENDS TO SNORE

-If you get your temperatures right...

-Yeah.

..like, the potato inside, the steam comes out, repels the fat,

hence crispness on the outside, softness on the inside.

But the thing is, with a chunky chip, it always remains

raw on the inside, it sucks the grease in, soggy on the outside.

I'm getting very turned on.

Academically, sexually, sensually, chunky chips don't work.

The thing is, if you want thick potatoes like that, you want

to have, kind of, roast potatoes, you know, with the goose fat.

You could always sprinkle polenta, or a little bit of...

Yes, all right, it's not a cookery show, Dave.

I just think they're horrible.

When it says on a menu, "Comes with chunky chips",

just forget it. They're just dreadful.

Then they come in this, like Yenga-like pile,

so when you get them,

they're flaccid, they're soft and they're cold.

I mean, they're like a yeti's member in a stack.

LAUGHTER

Blimey. I can see why you didn't make it as a maitre d'.

LAUGHTER

No, but...there's something offensive about the way

that they stack them like that,

like a game of Yenga, that's somehow so pretentious.

Well, not as pretentious as saying "Yenga".

Jenga! Jenga!

I like chunky chips,

and I've never noticed them being raw on the inside.

At least with a good French fry... I'm not talking skinny chips,

just a nice, regular cut chip, that's cut to that right

kind of diameter so the outside is crispy, preferably twice cooked...

Do you have a girlfriend?

LAUGHTER

Yeah, married and everything.

Have you not met her? She's called Yanet.

LAUGHTER

I'm with Frank on this. I love a chunky chip.

Yeah, but some people like Morris dancing, and that's wrong as well.

Do you know what? That is a fair argument.

To be fair, you could say that at the end of any argument

-and I'd go, "Yeah, fair enough."

-No, not with me, you can't.

-I like Morris dancing.

-Do you?

-Yes.

-And chunky chips?

-And chunky chips.

-You're weird.

LAUGHTER

Do you like wedges? What about potato wedges?

-Well...

-Isn't that when you pull your underwear up?

-With a potato?

-I don't know where the potato comes in.

-No, it's not right.

-I don't know anything about cooking,

but even I know, get a bit of duck fat on your finger,

rub it on your chunky chip,

and then you've got your chunky chip with a crispy outer.

Little tip for you. Use it if you like.

No. You've got a piece of potato covered in grease.

Well, that's what a roast potato is.

-No. No, it's not.

-I think...

LAUGHTER

You actually swivelled then. "Right, that's it!

"That's fighting talk!"

Well, I went to a restaurant.

It was a very, very old-fashioned restaurant indeed.

I ordered chunky chips and they served them like this.

LAUGHTER

OK, so what does Lee Mack not like about modern life?

It's David Blaine.

CHEERS OF APPROVAL

Now, in my day, magicians, like Paul Daniels, would go on telly,

and it was simple. The rules were simple.

You knew how you were watching it, as a viewer.

He'd stick Debbie in a cage, chuck a silk hankie over her.

Whoop, she's a leopard, end of story.

And then about 15 years ago, something changed with magic,

where they decided it was un-cool,

so they were going to make it grungy. And more frighteningly -

and this is the thing I don't like - and it's not just him,

he just represents this modern way of doing magic,

now they pretend it's real.

So, whereas Paul Daniels used to go, "Ta-da!"

Them lot, now, like him, he'll end the trick with...

Like it was actually draining to do the real magic.

Yeah, but you can't do 44 days in a glass box over Tower Bridge

and then go, "Ta-da!"

I think magic is partly about the audience.

And here's David Blaine, and the audience just makes this for me.

You might feel this. Hold your hand here. Watch. Here's my idea.

Just wave, see?

Did you feel anything? Now, watch, ready?

Cool.

LAUGHTER

But that is good, isn't it?

Well, it's all right.

I'd still rather see Debbie McGee turn into a leopard,

but I'm old school.

So, what doesn't Ruby like about modern life?

New Age books.

In the '60s, I guess, cos they didn't trust doctors anymore,

for some reason, or they just wanted to not pay so much,

is that they invented this, er, kind of love of the self, you know.

So, it would be like looking for the you in you,

or the awakening of the goddess within,

but spewing and becoming a woman and dropping your seed.

These were the types, and it had to do...

You'd always see these women who were goddesses

with the grey hair, no bra,

with, like, the Himalayas on the floor.

And then dancing, dancing to, like, the "ding-ding" music,

you know, dancing with the wolves, usually with that music from whales.

Whales, not the country.

They recorded whales, and that was the whole music for the new age.

-Let's look at some New Age books, shall we?

-Oh, I love them.

There you go. I like this one.

Wherever You Go, There You Are.

It's a sort of very basic...

LAUGHTER

..very basic A to Z.

-That is great.

-I actually like that guy. He was my professor.

LAUGHTER

Really?

Yeah. It's an unfortunate title, but he's the real thing.

OK. Or, um...

Anybody Can Be Cool... But Awesome Takes Practice.

LAUGHTER

What about this one?

How To Communicate With Animals.

What I like about this, the deer in the background is clearly

looking across and saying, "Hold on, isn't that Malcolm's antler?"

So, it's big business, Ruby.

It's huge business, yeah. Well, you've done it.

-No, but...

-He's not done it, surely.

Yes, he's done it. You don't look like that for nothing.

LAUGHTER

No, but you do look like a warlock.

There used to be a woman in Barrow-in-Furness

that did rebirthing, and she did...

And she had, like, ventilator ducts and castor oil,

and the idea was you popped in one end, you had to work your way out,

and then you got out,

-and she slapped you and you were born again.

-See?

How's your mum, Frank? Is she all right?

Anyway, I'm not going to put in the New Age stuff,

cos I think there might be something in it. I like chunky chips.

But you know what? I've got no time for David Blaine.

I am going to put him into Room 101.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, let's have our next category.

It's the Wildcard round. In this round there are no restrictions.

You can just have anything at all you don't like.

So, what is Dave's Wildcard?

-Wigs.

-Thank God. I thought it was Judy Finnigan.

I wouldn't have let you put her in. Wigs. Why?

All my life has been beset with wigs since I was a little boy.

When I was eight, I got stricken with alopecia totalis, you know,

so I had no hair, no eyebrows, no eyelashes,

and I got sent to the hospital,

and I was offered a National Health Service wig,

and this thing, honestly, was like a crash helmet,

and I couldn't wear it cos I had National Health glasses as well.

It was a sorry sight. I had alopecia till I was about 40.

Now, my first job, when I left art school,

I worked as a make-up artist...

-He was my make-up artist.

-I was.

I did, I made you up on the Secret Policeman's Third Ball.

-Yeah. Yeah.

-Wow.

We have a picture of you, um, from this period,

when you had the alopecia.

So was the beard a wig?

No, no. My beard, my pits, my... that was always fine.

-It was just my head.

-It must have been awful, though, Dave, wasn't it?

Well, I was just used to it. I was just bald, you know.

I was the bald kid at school.

You know, they used to call me Uncle Fester

and make me put light bulbs in my mouth, but, you know, I coped.

I joined the BBC, and the personnel person at the time,

this was in 1980, wanted me to have a wig made

in case I offended the artists,

cos, obviously, I looked more like a mugger than a make-up man.

But they wanted me to have the wigs made and they were going to dock

the cost of the wigs out of my wages on a monthly basis.

So, anyway, I just shaved my head and said I'm bald

and you can't fire me for being bald.

I mean, one of the most sinister people I ever met was

a Russian hair merchant, and he came over with bags full of human hair,

like a really posh wig that's got the wispy bits at the front.

That's point hair, and that's made from children's hair,

from their first cut.

-Oh.

-Oh.

-Wigs are a sinister world.

That's the name of your autobiography, isn't it?

You know, the whole thing of artificial hair, it's all wrong.

If you're bald, just be bald.

I have to say, I have watched the Hairy Bikers on several occasions

and thought to myself, if you worked in a restaurant,

-wouldn't you have to wear a hairnet with that?

-No.

-Yes, you would.

-You'd have to wear a hat or something.

-Or...

Dave, this is day one, restaurant school. You should know this.

You know you have to wash your hands after you've been to the toilet?

LAUGHTER

OK, what's Ruby's Wildcard?

My mother.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw...

As far as eccentrics, this was the A-lister of A-listers.

So, I'm grateful to her for some of my comedy.

We have a dog that she loved, Lumby, and this is not tasteful.

You know, when people came over, he would sort of grab their leg,

you know, and you'd smear him off, but my mother would go,

"Look, the lover boy. He's dancing, he's dancing!"

And then she'd go, in Polish,

she'd go, "Lumby, say 'Heil Hitler,'"

and he'd go like this.

NERVOUS LAUGHTER

Oh, no, this was... She was way out there.

To be fair, he was only following orders.

LAUGHTER

She'd get fixed on things, like I do now.

You know, it's like a Russian missile just homing in.

-Yeah.

-So she, um, she came to England and she said, "Buy a broom."

But then she doesn't stop it, right?

So we'd to a restaurant, and she'd go, "A broom,

"and with the bristles, not this... with the bristles," and every night

she'd draw it in the tablecloth with a knife, "With the bristles."

It never stopped, so finally I took her to the airport.

She's still going, "Buy a broom."

You could see her through the window, and then sits down.

As soon as she gets home, a few days later, she goes,

"Did you get the broom?"

And then she says, "Oh, your Aunt Hamburger died".

And then she said, "Now, what about the broom?"

and I went, "Wait, what did you just say?" And she said, "Your aunt Hamburger died. The broom!

"Buy the broom!" And I said, "What did you say?"

She went, "OK, back the clock up 24 hours. She's not dead.

"Now, buy the broom."

LAUGHTER

That's genius.

-She was fantastic.

-She sounds marvellous.

-Yeah.

My mum used to say,

"Don't put hot tea bags in the bin or you'll set the bin on fire."

LAUGHTER

OK. So what's Lee's Wildcard?

It's children's parties.

-Hmm.

-Controversial, you might think.

-Well, we'll soon find out. Why?

-Hate children. Hate parties. Next.

LAUGHTER

When I was a kid, and tell me if it's just me,

but birthday parties were not every year, to start with.

We wouldn't have them every year. We'd have them every two or three years, and it was like you,

your brother, maybe a cousin, a couple of mates from school.

That was it, wasn't it?

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-No.

-No? Oh.

-No. I had big parties.

-Yeah, me too.

But not the way they are now.

This is not just my kids.

Every kid in the class is having them. These are a weekly event.

Sometimes it's two! Two parties in a day.

He went to a party of 30.

Two hours later, he went to another party. That is 60 people.

Why has a seven-year-old child got a better social life than me? I'm 45.

Cakes. What happened to Victoria sponges and a couple of candles?

-Now it's like...

-Fireworks.

-Aladdin on a skateboard

with doves coming out. What happened to just normal little cakes

and a bit of pass the parcel. Now it's themes and it's...

I've got some pictures of cakes I think you'll enjoy.

This is a Mickey Mouse cake.

LAUGHTER

Or Liza Minnelli.

LAUGHTER

Here's one themed on road kill.

LAUGHTER

It looks like it's been skinned, though. A flayed hedgehog.

Here's a fabulous children's party.

This is... I'm not making this up.

This is a bouncy castle based on the Titanic.

LAUGHTER

-That's good. That's good.

-That is genuine.

-Yeah. That's fantastic.

-That is unbelievable.

-But if you arrived at a party and it had that,

you'd know it was going to be a really good party.

Well, it depends if it's 1912.

LAUGHTER

Would it be morally wrong to not tell your children

about birthdays at all?

Well, that could work. We haven't told them about Easter or Christmas,

so I suppose we could extend it to birthdays.

I feel sorry for your kids.

-Why?

-Because, you know, the spirit of birthday parties

-and throwing them a good bash...

-Let me tell you what my kids get

that your kids will never get - big, fat chips.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

They're happy with that. That's all they want.

It's all they're getting.

They wouldn't eat them cos mine have got taste.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

You can't choose your parents.

I tell you what,

the catering's good in my house when you have a party.

Yeah, but there's lots of hair in it.

I bet you have to unblock your shower more than me.

At least I've got one.

This is a proper northern battle of wits.

"Chunky chips? At least I've got a shower."

LAUGHTER

So, I can't put your mother in, Ruby.

-She sounds lovely...

-No, she is lovely.

..in a slightly mad kind of way.

And, um, children's parties, they're an expensive business,

but I don't think there's any getting round it, really.

They must celebrate.

But I find my little one is fascinating.

Other people's kids, not so fascinating.

It's like haemorrhoids.

LAUGHTER

But, wigs, I don't understand it.

They're all right for fun, but people who suddenly turn up in a wig

when you know they're bald underneath, it doesn't make any sense.

So I am going to put wigs into Room 101.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, that brings us to the end of the show, and Dave,

you were the most persuasive guest, so you are this week's winner.

APPLAUSE

Thanks very much, Lee Mack, Dave Myers and Ruby Wax,

and thank you, good night.