Episode 4 Room 101


Episode 4

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APPLAUSE

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Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,

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the show where three guests compete to have their biggest bugbears

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banished forever to the dreaded vault.

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Our guests' choices have been sorted into categories

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and each round only one item can be chosen.

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The final decision is mine. Let's meet this week's guests.

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Joining me tonight are comedian Miles Jupp,

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presenter Vernon Kay, and TV Dragon Kelly Hoppen.

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Right, then, let's have our first category.

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It's people. So, what kind of people wind up Miles Jupp?

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LAUGHTER

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Well, the people that deserve to go in Room 101 are parents

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who allow their children to climb up slides.

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This child is climbing up the slide.

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This is not the way that things are supposed to happen.

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This child, who may or may not be enjoying themselves,

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is ruining this child's life.

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I don't know if it's the sort of thing

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George Orwell was concerned about when he came up with the idea,

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but this child belongs in some sort of eternal damnation.

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LAUGHTER

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Are you against wheelchair ramps on the same basis?

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LAUGHTER

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No. No, they're clearly a very sensible idea, Frank.

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I know you were saying before the programme started, in make-up,

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you were going on about how you thought those people had it too easy.

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You'll remember I tried to talk you down from that position.

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Yes. You were indeed the voice of reason.

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If you don't sort of follow the sort of conventions and systems that we

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have in society, you don't really deserve to be part of society.

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We should show what happens, actually,

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when you try to go back up the slide,

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but we're not allowed to show this kind of clash with children,

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so we've had to get some other creatures to stand in for them.

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And there you go.

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AUDIENCE: Aw!

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But they do try and go back up.

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LAUGHTER

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That's what happens.

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That is why pandas are dying out.

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I used to love climbing up slides.

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-Right, well, you're a danger and a menace.

-Yeah.

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That's all about what kids do, isn't it?

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It's about the kids then having a fight,

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-who's going to get up or who's going to get down.

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

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That's part of life.

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If what you sort of get high on is forcing children to fight,

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I could appreciate this is the sort of thing

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-that you ought to encourage.

-No!

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Do you think it's related to the decline in snakes and ladders?

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Because children used to know, up the ladders,

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I mean, that was part of life, but now that's gone...

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Would you dare to tell another person's child not to do it?

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I'm wary, obviously.

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There's this sort of difficult... sort of boundaries, aren't there?

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So if other people sort of tell your children off,

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then you take that as a direct attack on your parenting skills.

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-Neighbours used to take your football off you...

-Yeah.

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..and keep it, you know.

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I remember we used to play cricket in the street,

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and if you got a six, it would definitely hit someone's house.

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And then they'd say, "Right, I'm having that.

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"Give me your bat and your ball, and I'll tell your mum as well!"

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"And if it comes over here again, I'll put a knife through it."

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-Yeah!

-That's what they said about our dog.

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LAUGHTER

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I want to show you a few slides.

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This is a fabulous elephant-themed slide, which...

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LAUGHTER

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It's a sort of a...

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Sort of back to the womb instinct in that child, I think.

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Amazing.

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What if they had a plunger and just fired kids into the elephant?

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What about...

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This is one, I think, ideal for the kid who wants to climb up the slide.

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It's a terrible design fault.

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Not quite as bad as this one.

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OK, then. What kind of people wind up Kelly?

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Ooh, people with weak handshakes.

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Oh, that's horrid!

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I just think there is nothing worse...

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If somebody is going to come and shake your hand,

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they're coming to shake your hand.

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They come towards you, and literally, it's just weak.

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And what's worse is it's always slightly...

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-Moist.

-Moist, yeah.

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I don't understand the moist thing.

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I go to Catholic church on Sundays,

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and we have a bit where we have to shake hands with each other,

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and sometimes you shake hands and it's just sodden with sweat.

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And I look at them, and I'm thinking,

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"Look, you're wearing absorbent clothing.

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"You could have prepped for this."

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If they've got a PVC cat-suit on, OK, but they rarely have.

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You can also get a handshake which is so strong, and people that

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have strong handshakes, they don't let go, and your hand starts

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to lose, you know, feeling in it, which I would rather that than this.

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-This, to me...

-Really?

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Oh, yeah. This is just... You kind of don't know what to say, do you?

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You're just left hanging, and you sort of hang, and you just...

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-You know?

-Yeah.

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There's just something really distasteful about it

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and it annoys me.

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But if you're given one, what do you give back?

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Oh, I squeeze it to death!

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Wring it.

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Do you do the kiss on both cheeks type thing?

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Yeah, and sometimes three.

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Three cheeks?

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-No, no...

-LAUGHTER

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No, because certain countries, like Holland and Belgium,

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-people give three kisses.

-Mmm.

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Sometimes it gets a bit confusing.

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You don't know whether to go in for the third or not.

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This is Prince Charles and Camilla with the Dalai Lama.

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Now, the Dalai Lama is an enthusiastic hand-shaker,

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but just watch this.

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Charles is not that keen at the beginning.

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Goes in early.

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Charles, "No, I don't think I will". But he won't give up.

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He won't give up, the Dalai, he's always got something up his sleeve.

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"Come on. Yes, got you."

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And I'll grab this as well.

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This is two hours later. He hasn't let go.

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LAUGHTER

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As they say, there are three people in this marriage.

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I shook hands with the Queen, for example.

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-I bet you... Have you met the Queen?

-Yeah.

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Yeah. She wears gloves at all times for handshaking.

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-Well, do you blame her?

-No. She burns them after.

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I know this for a fact.

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She's got a nice handshake.

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She's got... Yeah, well, I couldn't tell,

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because I wondered if it might be some sort of robot hand.

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Apparently, during the swine flu epidemic,

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she wore a falconry gauntlet.

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LAUGHTER

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Not taking any risks at all!

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Sometimes a handshake can go wrong, and then it can be embarrassing.

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This is Gordon Brown with Barack Obama.

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Now, his handshake, I imagine... he's very confident.

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Gordon Brown, a more difficult character.

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Look at him shaking hands with a policeman.

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Nice to see you. And Gordon?

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I don't think so.

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LAUGHTER

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That's harsh, isn't it?

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OK, then, what kind of people wind up Vernon?

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People that drop litter. There you go.

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-People who drop litter.

-Oh, do my head in.

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I don't understand why people feel the need to drop litter

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and not take it home and find a bin.

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If I was to just turn up in your living room, Frank...

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Yeah.

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..and empty the contents of my kitchen bin in your front room

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-and then leave, you'd be well annoyed.

-Mmm.

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So why do people do it on the street?

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I know what you mean. People shouldn't throw litter.

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But people like yourself, they do get a bit wound up about it.

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Is it such a terrible thing?

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Don't you find that litter can sometimes brighten

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an otherwise grey pavement?

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I bought myself a... And this is actually my own litter picker.

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I bought it off eBay for £4.99.

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Can I say that that is not a prop.

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Vernon brought that in.

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I did, I bought it.

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When we go walking our dog up and down the lane... I live near

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a farm and there's, like, rubbish strewn along the side of the road.

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So I thought, "You know what? While I'm walking my dog I'll clean that up".

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-What about this one?

-That's a beauty.

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I'm thinking I could do a vent act with this.

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"Where have you been, Charlie?"

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"Oh, I've been down...

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"I've been for a country walk with Vernon Kay."

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-"Lovely."

-Does that really pick up rubbish?

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Yeah, it's really to pick up rubbish.

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-What did you think it was for?

-I don't know. I wasn't sure.

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Yeah, it's because my handshake isn't as good as I'd like it to be.

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APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

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You've all argued your case very well.

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I don't want to put children who climb slides.

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It's specifically the parents, Frank. I'm not blaming the children.

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I realise that, but I'm a parent myself, and to be honest, when

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I'm in a playground, I'm just so keen to say, "I am with this child

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"and I'm not here on my own", that I let him run riot, to be honest.

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And Kelly, I appreciate your point, but I also think

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that sometimes people overdo the... They try to prove a point.

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Maybe you're putting a bit too much into it.

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However, I'm struggling to argue against litter.

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So I am going to put people who drop litter into Room 101.

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-Anthony Costa, ladies and gentlemen.

-LAUGHTER

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OK, let's have our next category.

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Ah, modern life.

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So, what about modern life winds up Kelly Hoppen?

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Loo roll covers. I hate them.

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First of all, it's like almost sort of creating a shrine to a loo roll.

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I don't know why anybody would want to sort of draw attention to it.

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And she just... I mean, I just think it's the height of kitsch, this.

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-I absolutely loathe it. It really annoys me.

-Oh, wow.

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-Yeah.

-I remember my grandma had one. It was a flamenco doll.

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I was just going to say, flamenco was a big thing.

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I think she could stand in two upright toilet rolls.

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It was a big flamenco dress.

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I mean, I think the idea is that the toilet roll,

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it has unsavoury associations,

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and so you want the extra toilet roll in there,

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because, you know, it's important to know that there is backup.

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This is what I have in my own...

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There you go! I would much rather that. Much better.

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This is what I call my worst-case scenario.

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LAUGHTER

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I've never got through more than two in one...

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That's perfectly acceptable.

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I think that's just awful.

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If you accept that toilet roll covers are to, sort of,

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hide the toilet roll, what a stupid idea is this one?

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LAUGHTER

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If I went to someone's house, I would use THAT.

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I've got a celebrity toilet roll cover.

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LAUGHTER

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That's evil.

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I don't think she's OFFICIALLY been declared evil.

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Can I ask, what do you do in your toilet?

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LAUGHTER

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Tell you what. I hope somebody has just switched on at that moment.

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I just have, like, a big, glass dish,

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which is from the floor up, like that,

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and it's just full of loo rolls.

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How many have you got in there, would you say?

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Probably about eight.

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What are you getting through a week?

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LAUGHTER

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Average week. Two meals in a day.

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I used to live alone.

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I would be hard pushed to get through a toilet roll

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-every two weeks.

-Oh, here we go!

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In fact, if I was hard pushed, I probably wouldn't get through one!

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LAUGHTER

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But my girlfriend moves in and now we get through about five a week.

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She'll say to me - honestly, I've seen her do this -

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she'll stand like this and she'll say,

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"Yeah, I'm just going to have a quick pee."

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A quick pee?!

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So, she'll have about this much on her hand,

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and then she'll say, "Right, I'll just go and have a quick pee."

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I think, "There's no need to use the toilet!

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"You could just pee into your hand!"

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LAUGHTER

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It would be sufficiently absorbent!

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OK, then.

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What doesn't Miles like about the modern world?

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I have a control button here.

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LAUGHTER

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Very good!

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I really have a problem with automated doors,

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particularly this... This is a fine example. Sliding doors.

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Not the film. I've got no problem with the film.

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But, I...

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LAUGHTER

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For instance, on trains, you're surrounded by sliding doors.

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They don't even have an industry standard,

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so you get to the end of the carriage and think,

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"Is this one of the ones with a button? No, it's the one with..."

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and you jump around for ages, or there's a concealed thing,

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a button that maybe opens, or it's touch-sensitive,

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or it's a proper button. And then, having got through the door,

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you get to the lavatory. You're bursting to go to the lavatory.

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It takes absolutely ages for the door to open.

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You get in, you think, "Thank goodness me, I'm in the loo.

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You're about to... You think, "I've got to wait for the door to close."

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And that's another six or seven seconds. I think that is the moment

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when most people wet themselves on public transport.

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There is nothing wrong with normal doors.

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These are an abomination.

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They should be consigned to the furnaces of history.

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Also, I think, when you make an entrance

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it's great with electric doors, don't you think?

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When you come up and they go swoosh! And you walk in.

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-Especially with smoke behind.

-Yeah, fantastic.

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Whereas a door, you've got to do this,

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and it's cumbersome and everything. That's good for an entrance.

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That's brilliant. I never look at anything and think,

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"Would that be any good for an entrance?"

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I'm all for sort of gadgetry

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that doesn't really achieve anything, or isn't necessary.

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Er, why?

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Can I persuade you into automatic things that we don't need?

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What do you imagine that is?

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Oh, is it... it's one of those things for measuring flutes.

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LAUGHTER

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This is an actual commercially available gadget.

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You know when you have to press control-alt-delete?

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, brilliant!

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They are technologies that are working.

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I mean, they're successful at what they do.

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Sliding doors only create havoc.

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The thing is, if you didn't have automatic doors,

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you wouldn't have had this very, very lovely moment.

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CHUCKLING

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LAUGHTER

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That's so cruel!

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OK. What doesn't Vernon like about modern life?

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The decline of kids' games,

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because now our kids are turning into finger-sweepers.

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You know, they just sit on iPads and phones.

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It's the fact that kids are sitting on their backsides

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and using their fingers to play games,

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instead of getting out on the street and playing hide and seek,

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tig, British bulldog.

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We played a game at school, this is absolutely true,

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called British Bull Snog.

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It would be boys versus girls.

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The girls would line up and we'd be ready

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and they had to run to the other side, and if we caught them,

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-we got to snog them.

-There you go.

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Unfortunately, I was the caretaker.

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I shouldn't really have been...

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LAUGHTER

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No, we did. That was a game we played.

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Yeah, there's all kinds.

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We used to play a game called Chainy, where, once again,

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one kid would be "it", and then you'd tig someone else

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and then you'd hold hands, and then you'd run around together

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and try and tig someone else, and then they'd join the chain,

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and then the chain would end when everyone kind of trapped

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the last kid in the corner of the playground, and then, you know...

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I played that for four and a half hours with the Dalai Lama.

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LAUGHTER

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So, you generally think it's better to do the real thing

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than to do some sort of Internet version of it?

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Yeah, because, you know, you've got all them arguments

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about our kids getting fat and, "Oh, obesity is rife."

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Yeah, because they're sat on the sofa just doing this.

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You don't burn many calories whilst you're sweeping,

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playing Fruit Ninja. You know what I mean?

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Go and get your dad's axe out of the garage.

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Throw some apples up and try and slice them in half.

0:18:530:18:55

You know, that's REAL Fruit Ninja!

0:18:550:18:57

And remember, children, please don't try that at home.

0:18:570:19:02

I wonder if it is health and safety

0:19:020:19:04

that's put a stop to some of these kids' games.

0:19:040:19:06

-It must be!

-Do you remember the compass game?

0:19:060:19:08

You used to get a compass and hold your hand like that.

0:19:080:19:12

It was like self-harming, but with an element of chance!

0:19:120:19:17

-Yeah. My brother used to play that.

-You couldn't do that now!

0:19:170:19:21

I agree. Board games. Fantastic.

0:19:210:19:23

Board games. But you can get them on your tablet now.

0:19:230:19:25

Board games don't keep you very fit, do they?

0:19:250:19:28

No, but they bring children together, you know.

0:19:280:19:31

We used to play Monopoly. We used to play forever.

0:19:310:19:33

In Monopoly, it's a game where you learn to cheat the bank, you know.

0:19:330:19:38

Surely that's a skill everyone should be learning these days!

0:19:380:19:40

-Yes.

-Well, even bullying now is all done on the Internet.

0:19:400:19:45

At least when you were being bullied,

0:19:460:19:48

you used to get a bit of fresh air!

0:19:480:19:50

Do kids still pretend to be people?

0:19:520:19:54

Like when we were at school, you know,

0:19:540:19:56

-we'd be Doctor Who one week and then the Saint.

-Yeah, yeah.

0:19:560:19:59

We had an incident at our house

0:19:590:20:01

that involved, er, the police coming round,

0:20:010:20:05

and me cleaning another man's blood off my patio.

0:20:050:20:09

Um ...

0:20:090:20:10

What were you playing? Brookside?

0:20:100:20:12

LAUGHTER

0:20:120:20:15

What happened was there was a dramatic incident

0:20:150:20:18

at our house, in our garden.

0:20:180:20:20

Two police ladies came and they were sort of taking statements,

0:20:200:20:23

and then my oldest son suddenly appeared at the door

0:20:230:20:26

and sort of coughed, and we all turned round,

0:20:260:20:28

and he'd gone and dressed as a policeman.

0:20:280:20:30

He'd got this great helmet, and he goes,

0:20:310:20:33

"If you hit the top of my helmet, there's a siren".

0:20:330:20:36

You have to have some things that kids do on the Internet

0:20:380:20:42

that they don't do in the real world. I think that's acceptable.

0:20:420:20:45

I could imagine you at your house saying,

0:20:450:20:48

"Never mind playing Grand Theft Auto!

0:20:480:20:50

"Go joyriding! Go on!"

0:20:500:20:52

Go on, have that.

0:20:520:20:54

So, anyway, I don't feel I can accept automatic doors,

0:20:560:21:00

because I love any bit of...

0:21:000:21:02

anything that makes me feel like I'm living in the 21st century.

0:21:020:21:05

I think toilet roll covers are quite a nice thing,

0:21:050:21:10

because toilet rolls are fine, but you can't get round the fact

0:21:100:21:13

that they get involved in some pretty unpleasant activities,

0:21:130:21:17

and I'd rather that was just, you know, kept undercover.

0:21:170:21:22

So, I am going to put

0:21:220:21:25

modern children's games into Room 101.

0:21:250:21:27

Yeah!

0:21:270:21:31

APPLAUSE

0:21:310:21:33

Next category, please.

0:21:390:21:41

OK, it's the wildcard round, so there are no restraints.

0:21:470:21:50

You can pick ANYTHING that you don't like.

0:21:500:21:52

So, what is Kelly's wildcard?

0:21:520:21:56

My pet hate is tradesmen,

0:21:590:22:02

so you're ringing up to have Sky come round, BT, a plumber,

0:22:020:22:05

an electrician, and they give you a date,

0:22:050:22:08

and they say they'll come between 9am and 6pm.

0:22:080:22:10

They turn up at 5.50pm

0:22:100:22:12

and then they don't have the parts to fix your...whatever it is.

0:22:120:22:15

Yeah. That's a good one.

0:22:150:22:17

We all work. We're all busy. Why can they not say to you,

0:22:190:22:23

"I'll either call you an hour before I'm going to get to your home",

0:22:230:22:26

so it gives you time to leave and get back?

0:22:260:22:28

And most of the time you tell them kind of what's wrong.

0:22:280:22:30

You'd think they would have a van full of what they need,

0:22:300:22:33

not that they have to go and order it,

0:22:330:22:35

then you have to wait another three weeks for somebody to turn up.

0:22:350:22:38

It's just ... that is not the 20th century.

0:22:380:22:40

No.

0:22:400:22:42

-It's the 21st century.

-Sorry, the 21st!

0:22:420:22:45

APPLAUSE

0:22:450:22:48

I am dyslexic.

0:22:480:22:49

That's the trouble. That's why they don't deliver on time.

0:22:490:22:53

You live in a time vortex.

0:22:540:22:57

I love it.

0:22:570:22:58

I've got some pictures of tradesmen, sort of, building...

0:22:580:23:03

I don't want to call them mistakes, but let's say, unsatisfactory jobs.

0:23:030:23:08

The first one I like to call the trapped fridge.

0:23:080:23:11

LAUGHTER

0:23:110:23:15

That was actually fitted in someone's kitchen.

0:23:150:23:19

That is awesome.

0:23:190:23:22

The next one, I think, in a strange way, is very inventive.

0:23:220:23:25

LAUGHTER

0:23:260:23:29

And when the door is shut, you can hand the toilet roll through.

0:23:330:23:37

-There you go.

-Perfect!

0:23:370:23:39

OK, what is Vernon's wildcard?

0:23:390:23:42

Three-quarter length shorts.

0:23:470:23:51

What is the point?

0:23:510:23:54

You go on holiday

0:23:540:23:56

and you wear a short

0:23:560:23:58

that tans your lower calf.

0:23:580:24:02

And the majority of three-quarter length shorts

0:24:020:24:06

have elasticated bottoms to stop the water from going up your leg,

0:24:060:24:10

should you choose to go for a walk in the sea.

0:24:100:24:13

I just do not understand.

0:24:130:24:15

It's often sort of British lads abroad, isn't it?

0:24:150:24:20

Often more used to stop the water coming down your leg.

0:24:200:24:26

Yes.

0:24:260:24:27

I mean, I've been to a lot of overseas games with England,

0:24:270:24:31

and you see a lot of England fans with those slip-on white trainers

0:24:310:24:36

and the three-quarter length shorts.

0:24:360:24:39

I think these people only wear long trousers for court appearances.

0:24:390:24:43

We've got a picture of some of these shorts.

0:24:450:24:47

There you go. Look at that.

0:24:470:24:50

That was, er, that was my stag do.

0:24:500:24:52

Now, you famously wore shorts, didn't you, on Splash?

0:24:550:24:58

Look at that. Now, that's a man's short!

0:24:580:25:00

I got a lot of grief for wearing shorts.

0:25:000:25:03

Well, it's very unusual to see a presenter wearing shorts.

0:25:030:25:05

That's why I got a lot of grief.

0:25:050:25:07

At least I didn't wear THEM bad boys! I'd look like a right buffoon.

0:25:070:25:10

In fairness, you don't see the espadrille enough, do you,

0:25:100:25:12

on light early evening entertainment formats.

0:25:120:25:17

OK. So what is Miles's wildcard?

0:25:200:25:24

I really don't like loud noises.

0:25:280:25:33

I'm quite a jumpy person.

0:25:330:25:35

I'm not...you know, I'm not as brave as I initially appear.

0:25:350:25:40

You must be that brave, at least!

0:25:400:25:44

I think the vast majority of noises

0:25:460:25:49

are either far too quiet or far too noisy.

0:25:490:25:52

I went to see the doctor.

0:25:520:25:54

I said, "There is something wrong with my ears",

0:25:540:25:57

and what happened was I had the whole hearing test

0:25:570:26:00

and the lady sat me down afterwards.

0:26:000:26:01

She goes, "Right, I've got the results.

0:26:010:26:04

"You have completely normal hearing.

0:26:040:26:07

"What I think you have is above average irritability."

0:26:070:26:12

LAUGHTER

0:26:120:26:16

There should basically be a decibel limit on any sort of new invention.

0:26:160:26:20

I mean, those Dyson Airblades, is that what...

0:26:200:26:22

they are absolutely deafening!

0:26:220:26:24

The hand drier?

0:26:240:26:25

I would happily stand in, not for, like, a whole day,

0:26:250:26:28

but I would happily just let people silently dry their hands

0:26:280:26:31

on my trousers, rather than inflict that on anyone.

0:26:310:26:37

-It's an appalling noise.

-I think you're somewhat grumpy.

0:26:370:26:40

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:26:400:26:43

Sometimes loud noises can be very comedic, you know,

0:26:470:26:51

like when you surprise somebody.

0:26:510:26:53

For example, this is a bit from the Internet,

0:26:530:26:55

and this girl's dad is doing the washing-up for a change,

0:26:550:26:59

so she thought she'd surprise him with a bit of a loud noise.

0:26:590:27:03

GIRL SCREAMS

0:27:030:27:06

LAUGHTER

0:27:060:27:09

You have to, er...

0:27:130:27:15

you have to be a BIT careful when you're going to do that.

0:27:150:27:19

We have to see that again, don't we?

0:27:190:27:23

GIRL SCREAMS

0:27:230:27:25

Oh, that's so awful!

0:27:320:27:36

OK. Well, look,

0:27:360:27:38

although I'm very frightened of the people

0:27:380:27:40

who wear those three-quarter length shorts,

0:27:400:27:42

I don't feel I can put them in,

0:27:420:27:44

otherwise there'd be nine people at the next England away game.

0:27:440:27:48

True. All right.

0:27:480:27:49

And I agree that loud noises can be a real pain,

0:27:490:27:52

but some of them are also quite exciting,

0:27:520:27:56

and they can get people hit with trays,

0:27:560:27:58

so that's... I wouldn't like to have missed out on that.

0:27:580:28:03

But I have to say, Kelly, you're quite right,

0:28:030:28:06

things are getting worse and worse

0:28:060:28:07

on the tradesmen-coming-to-your-house front.

0:28:070:28:10

So, I am going to put tradesmen in the home into Room 101.

0:28:100:28:14

APPLAUSE

0:28:140:28:17

And that brings us to the end of the show.

0:28:270:28:29

Well done, Vernon, you were the most persuasive guest tonight,

0:28:290:28:32

so you are this week's winner.

0:28:320:28:34

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:28:340:28:37

Thanks very much to Miles Jupp, Vernon Kay and Kelly Hoppen,

0:28:410:28:44

and thank you, goodnight!

0:28:440:28:46

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