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APPLAUSE | 0:00:24 | 0:00:26 | |
Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101, | 0:00:36 | 0:00:39 | |
the show where three guests compete to have their biggest bugbears | 0:00:39 | 0:00:43 | |
banished forever to the dreaded vault. | 0:00:43 | 0:00:45 | |
Our guests' choices have been sorted into categories | 0:00:45 | 0:00:47 | |
and each round only one item can be chosen. | 0:00:47 | 0:00:50 | |
The final decision is mine. Let's meet this week's guests. | 0:00:50 | 0:00:53 | |
Joining me tonight are comedian Miles Jupp, | 0:00:53 | 0:00:56 | |
presenter Vernon Kay, and TV Dragon Kelly Hoppen. | 0:00:56 | 0:00:59 | |
Right, then, let's have our first category. | 0:01:06 | 0:01:09 | |
It's people. So, what kind of people wind up Miles Jupp? | 0:01:13 | 0:01:19 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:24 | 0:01:27 | |
Well, the people that deserve to go in Room 101 are parents | 0:01:27 | 0:01:32 | |
who allow their children to climb up slides. | 0:01:32 | 0:01:35 | |
This child is climbing up the slide. | 0:01:35 | 0:01:41 | |
This is not the way that things are supposed to happen. | 0:01:41 | 0:01:44 | |
This child, who may or may not be enjoying themselves, | 0:01:44 | 0:01:47 | |
is ruining this child's life. | 0:01:47 | 0:01:51 | |
I don't know if it's the sort of thing | 0:01:51 | 0:01:53 | |
George Orwell was concerned about when he came up with the idea, | 0:01:53 | 0:01:57 | |
but this child belongs in some sort of eternal damnation. | 0:01:57 | 0:02:00 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:00 | 0:02:03 | |
Are you against wheelchair ramps on the same basis? | 0:02:03 | 0:02:07 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:07 | 0:02:09 | |
No. No, they're clearly a very sensible idea, Frank. | 0:02:11 | 0:02:15 | |
I know you were saying before the programme started, in make-up, | 0:02:15 | 0:02:18 | |
you were going on about how you thought those people had it too easy. | 0:02:18 | 0:02:22 | |
You'll remember I tried to talk you down from that position. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:28 | |
Yes. You were indeed the voice of reason. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:33 | |
If you don't sort of follow the sort of conventions and systems that we | 0:02:33 | 0:02:36 | |
have in society, you don't really deserve to be part of society. | 0:02:36 | 0:02:41 | |
We should show what happens, actually, | 0:02:41 | 0:02:44 | |
when you try to go back up the slide, | 0:02:44 | 0:02:46 | |
but we're not allowed to show this kind of clash with children, | 0:02:46 | 0:02:49 | |
so we've had to get some other creatures to stand in for them. | 0:02:49 | 0:02:52 | |
And there you go. | 0:02:53 | 0:02:55 | |
AUDIENCE: Aw! | 0:02:55 | 0:02:57 | |
But they do try and go back up. | 0:02:57 | 0:02:59 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:59 | 0:03:01 | |
That's what happens. | 0:03:02 | 0:03:04 | |
That is why pandas are dying out. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:07 | |
I used to love climbing up slides. | 0:03:10 | 0:03:12 | |
-Right, well, you're a danger and a menace. -Yeah. | 0:03:12 | 0:03:15 | |
That's all about what kids do, isn't it? | 0:03:17 | 0:03:19 | |
It's about the kids then having a fight, | 0:03:19 | 0:03:22 | |
-who's going to get up or who's going to get down. -Oh, yeah, yeah. | 0:03:22 | 0:03:24 | |
That's part of life. | 0:03:24 | 0:03:26 | |
If what you sort of get high on is forcing children to fight, | 0:03:26 | 0:03:29 | |
I could appreciate this is the sort of thing | 0:03:29 | 0:03:32 | |
-that you ought to encourage. -No! | 0:03:32 | 0:03:35 | |
Do you think it's related to the decline in snakes and ladders? | 0:03:35 | 0:03:39 | |
Because children used to know, up the ladders, | 0:03:40 | 0:03:43 | |
I mean, that was part of life, but now that's gone... | 0:03:43 | 0:03:46 | |
Would you dare to tell another person's child not to do it? | 0:03:46 | 0:03:51 | |
I'm wary, obviously. | 0:03:51 | 0:03:52 | |
There's this sort of difficult... sort of boundaries, aren't there? | 0:03:52 | 0:03:56 | |
So if other people sort of tell your children off, | 0:03:56 | 0:03:59 | |
then you take that as a direct attack on your parenting skills. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:02 | |
-Neighbours used to take your football off you... -Yeah. | 0:04:02 | 0:04:04 | |
..and keep it, you know. | 0:04:04 | 0:04:05 | |
I remember we used to play cricket in the street, | 0:04:05 | 0:04:08 | |
and if you got a six, it would definitely hit someone's house. | 0:04:08 | 0:04:11 | |
And then they'd say, "Right, I'm having that. | 0:04:11 | 0:04:13 | |
"Give me your bat and your ball, and I'll tell your mum as well!" | 0:04:13 | 0:04:17 | |
"And if it comes over here again, I'll put a knife through it." | 0:04:17 | 0:04:20 | |
-Yeah! -That's what they said about our dog. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:23 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:23 | 0:04:24 | |
I want to show you a few slides. | 0:04:26 | 0:04:29 | |
This is a fabulous elephant-themed slide, which... | 0:04:29 | 0:04:34 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:34 | 0:04:35 | |
It's a sort of a... | 0:04:37 | 0:04:39 | |
Sort of back to the womb instinct in that child, I think. | 0:04:41 | 0:04:45 | |
Amazing. | 0:04:45 | 0:04:46 | |
What if they had a plunger and just fired kids into the elephant? | 0:04:46 | 0:04:49 | |
What about... | 0:04:49 | 0:04:51 | |
This is one, I think, ideal for the kid who wants to climb up the slide. | 0:04:51 | 0:04:55 | |
It's a terrible design fault. | 0:04:59 | 0:05:02 | |
Not quite as bad as this one. | 0:05:02 | 0:05:04 | |
OK, then. What kind of people wind up Kelly? | 0:05:10 | 0:05:13 | |
Ooh, people with weak handshakes. | 0:05:18 | 0:05:22 | |
Oh, that's horrid! | 0:05:24 | 0:05:28 | |
I just think there is nothing worse... | 0:05:28 | 0:05:30 | |
If somebody is going to come and shake your hand, | 0:05:30 | 0:05:32 | |
they're coming to shake your hand. | 0:05:32 | 0:05:34 | |
They come towards you, and literally, it's just weak. | 0:05:34 | 0:05:38 | |
And what's worse is it's always slightly... | 0:05:38 | 0:05:41 | |
-Moist. -Moist, yeah. | 0:05:41 | 0:05:44 | |
I don't understand the moist thing. | 0:05:44 | 0:05:46 | |
I go to Catholic church on Sundays, | 0:05:46 | 0:05:48 | |
and we have a bit where we have to shake hands with each other, | 0:05:48 | 0:05:51 | |
and sometimes you shake hands and it's just sodden with sweat. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:55 | |
And I look at them, and I'm thinking, | 0:05:55 | 0:05:57 | |
"Look, you're wearing absorbent clothing. | 0:05:57 | 0:06:00 | |
"You could have prepped for this." | 0:06:00 | 0:06:02 | |
If they've got a PVC cat-suit on, OK, but they rarely have. | 0:06:02 | 0:06:07 | |
You can also get a handshake which is so strong, and people that | 0:06:08 | 0:06:11 | |
have strong handshakes, they don't let go, and your hand starts | 0:06:11 | 0:06:15 | |
to lose, you know, feeling in it, which I would rather that than this. | 0:06:15 | 0:06:18 | |
-This, to me... -Really? | 0:06:18 | 0:06:20 | |
Oh, yeah. This is just... You kind of don't know what to say, do you? | 0:06:20 | 0:06:23 | |
You're just left hanging, and you sort of hang, and you just... | 0:06:23 | 0:06:27 | |
-You know? -Yeah. | 0:06:27 | 0:06:28 | |
There's just something really distasteful about it | 0:06:28 | 0:06:31 | |
and it annoys me. | 0:06:31 | 0:06:33 | |
But if you're given one, what do you give back? | 0:06:33 | 0:06:36 | |
Oh, I squeeze it to death! | 0:06:36 | 0:06:38 | |
Wring it. | 0:06:38 | 0:06:40 | |
Do you do the kiss on both cheeks type thing? | 0:06:40 | 0:06:42 | |
Yeah, and sometimes three. | 0:06:42 | 0:06:44 | |
Three cheeks? | 0:06:44 | 0:06:46 | |
-No, no... -LAUGHTER | 0:06:46 | 0:06:50 | |
No, because certain countries, like Holland and Belgium, | 0:06:50 | 0:06:53 | |
-people give three kisses. -Mmm. | 0:06:53 | 0:06:54 | |
Sometimes it gets a bit confusing. | 0:06:54 | 0:06:56 | |
You don't know whether to go in for the third or not. | 0:06:56 | 0:06:59 | |
This is Prince Charles and Camilla with the Dalai Lama. | 0:06:59 | 0:07:05 | |
Now, the Dalai Lama is an enthusiastic hand-shaker, | 0:07:05 | 0:07:09 | |
but just watch this. | 0:07:09 | 0:07:10 | |
Charles is not that keen at the beginning. | 0:07:10 | 0:07:12 | |
Goes in early. | 0:07:12 | 0:07:14 | |
Charles, "No, I don't think I will". But he won't give up. | 0:07:14 | 0:07:17 | |
He won't give up, the Dalai, he's always got something up his sleeve. | 0:07:17 | 0:07:21 | |
"Come on. Yes, got you." | 0:07:23 | 0:07:25 | |
And I'll grab this as well. | 0:07:27 | 0:07:29 | |
This is two hours later. He hasn't let go. | 0:07:29 | 0:07:31 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:07:31 | 0:07:34 | |
As they say, there are three people in this marriage. | 0:07:34 | 0:07:37 | |
I shook hands with the Queen, for example. | 0:07:40 | 0:07:41 | |
-I bet you... Have you met the Queen? -Yeah. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:44 | |
Yeah. She wears gloves at all times for handshaking. | 0:07:44 | 0:07:46 | |
-Well, do you blame her? -No. She burns them after. | 0:07:46 | 0:07:49 | |
I know this for a fact. | 0:07:49 | 0:07:51 | |
She's got a nice handshake. | 0:07:51 | 0:07:52 | |
She's got... Yeah, well, I couldn't tell, | 0:07:52 | 0:07:54 | |
because I wondered if it might be some sort of robot hand. | 0:07:54 | 0:07:58 | |
Apparently, during the swine flu epidemic, | 0:07:58 | 0:08:00 | |
she wore a falconry gauntlet. | 0:08:00 | 0:08:02 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:08:02 | 0:08:06 | |
Not taking any risks at all! | 0:08:06 | 0:08:08 | |
Sometimes a handshake can go wrong, and then it can be embarrassing. | 0:08:08 | 0:08:14 | |
This is Gordon Brown with Barack Obama. | 0:08:14 | 0:08:16 | |
Now, his handshake, I imagine... he's very confident. | 0:08:16 | 0:08:19 | |
Gordon Brown, a more difficult character. | 0:08:19 | 0:08:22 | |
Look at him shaking hands with a policeman. | 0:08:22 | 0:08:24 | |
Nice to see you. And Gordon? | 0:08:24 | 0:08:26 | |
I don't think so. | 0:08:26 | 0:08:27 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:08:27 | 0:08:30 | |
That's harsh, isn't it? | 0:08:33 | 0:08:34 | |
OK, then, what kind of people wind up Vernon? | 0:08:37 | 0:08:40 | |
People that drop litter. There you go. | 0:08:44 | 0:08:48 | |
-People who drop litter. -Oh, do my head in. | 0:08:48 | 0:08:50 | |
I don't understand why people feel the need to drop litter | 0:08:50 | 0:08:57 | |
and not take it home and find a bin. | 0:08:57 | 0:08:59 | |
If I was to just turn up in your living room, Frank... | 0:08:59 | 0:09:03 | |
Yeah. | 0:09:03 | 0:09:04 | |
..and empty the contents of my kitchen bin in your front room | 0:09:04 | 0:09:07 | |
-and then leave, you'd be well annoyed. -Mmm. | 0:09:07 | 0:09:10 | |
So why do people do it on the street? | 0:09:10 | 0:09:12 | |
I know what you mean. People shouldn't throw litter. | 0:09:12 | 0:09:14 | |
But people like yourself, they do get a bit wound up about it. | 0:09:14 | 0:09:18 | |
Is it such a terrible thing? | 0:09:18 | 0:09:20 | |
Don't you find that litter can sometimes brighten | 0:09:20 | 0:09:22 | |
an otherwise grey pavement? | 0:09:22 | 0:09:24 | |
I bought myself a... And this is actually my own litter picker. | 0:09:27 | 0:09:30 | |
I bought it off eBay for £4.99. | 0:09:30 | 0:09:33 | |
Can I say that that is not a prop. | 0:09:34 | 0:09:36 | |
Vernon brought that in. | 0:09:36 | 0:09:38 | |
I did, I bought it. | 0:09:39 | 0:09:41 | |
When we go walking our dog up and down the lane... I live near | 0:09:41 | 0:09:45 | |
a farm and there's, like, rubbish strewn along the side of the road. | 0:09:45 | 0:09:49 | |
So I thought, "You know what? While I'm walking my dog I'll clean that up". | 0:09:49 | 0:09:52 | |
-What about this one? -That's a beauty. | 0:09:52 | 0:09:54 | |
I'm thinking I could do a vent act with this. | 0:09:54 | 0:09:57 | |
"Where have you been, Charlie?" | 0:09:57 | 0:09:58 | |
"Oh, I've been down... | 0:09:58 | 0:10:01 | |
"I've been for a country walk with Vernon Kay." | 0:10:01 | 0:10:05 | |
-"Lovely." -Does that really pick up rubbish? | 0:10:05 | 0:10:08 | |
Yeah, it's really to pick up rubbish. | 0:10:08 | 0:10:09 | |
-What did you think it was for? -I don't know. I wasn't sure. | 0:10:09 | 0:10:12 | |
Yeah, it's because my handshake isn't as good as I'd like it to be. | 0:10:12 | 0:10:15 | |
APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER | 0:10:15 | 0:10:17 | |
You've all argued your case very well. | 0:10:22 | 0:10:26 | |
I don't want to put children who climb slides. | 0:10:26 | 0:10:28 | |
It's specifically the parents, Frank. I'm not blaming the children. | 0:10:28 | 0:10:31 | |
I realise that, but I'm a parent myself, and to be honest, when | 0:10:31 | 0:10:34 | |
I'm in a playground, I'm just so keen to say, "I am with this child | 0:10:34 | 0:10:37 | |
"and I'm not here on my own", that I let him run riot, to be honest. | 0:10:37 | 0:10:43 | |
And Kelly, I appreciate your point, but I also think | 0:10:43 | 0:10:47 | |
that sometimes people overdo the... They try to prove a point. | 0:10:47 | 0:10:52 | |
Maybe you're putting a bit too much into it. | 0:10:52 | 0:10:54 | |
However, I'm struggling to argue against litter. | 0:10:54 | 0:10:57 | |
So I am going to put people who drop litter into Room 101. | 0:10:57 | 0:11:01 | |
-Anthony Costa, ladies and gentlemen. -LAUGHTER | 0:11:18 | 0:11:22 | |
OK, let's have our next category. | 0:11:22 | 0:11:25 | |
Ah, modern life. | 0:11:29 | 0:11:32 | |
So, what about modern life winds up Kelly Hoppen? | 0:11:32 | 0:11:36 | |
Loo roll covers. I hate them. | 0:11:42 | 0:11:44 | |
First of all, it's like almost sort of creating a shrine to a loo roll. | 0:11:44 | 0:11:48 | |
I don't know why anybody would want to sort of draw attention to it. | 0:11:48 | 0:11:51 | |
And she just... I mean, I just think it's the height of kitsch, this. | 0:11:51 | 0:11:55 | |
-I absolutely loathe it. It really annoys me. -Oh, wow. | 0:11:55 | 0:11:59 | |
-Yeah. -I remember my grandma had one. It was a flamenco doll. | 0:11:59 | 0:12:02 | |
I was just going to say, flamenco was a big thing. | 0:12:02 | 0:12:05 | |
I think she could stand in two upright toilet rolls. | 0:12:05 | 0:12:08 | |
It was a big flamenco dress. | 0:12:08 | 0:12:10 | |
I mean, I think the idea is that the toilet roll, | 0:12:10 | 0:12:12 | |
it has unsavoury associations, | 0:12:12 | 0:12:15 | |
and so you want the extra toilet roll in there, | 0:12:15 | 0:12:18 | |
because, you know, it's important to know that there is backup. | 0:12:18 | 0:12:21 | |
This is what I have in my own... | 0:12:21 | 0:12:24 | |
There you go! I would much rather that. Much better. | 0:12:24 | 0:12:27 | |
This is what I call my worst-case scenario. | 0:12:27 | 0:12:29 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:12:29 | 0:12:32 | |
I've never got through more than two in one... | 0:12:35 | 0:12:39 | |
That's perfectly acceptable. | 0:12:39 | 0:12:42 | |
I think that's just awful. | 0:12:42 | 0:12:44 | |
If you accept that toilet roll covers are to, sort of, | 0:12:44 | 0:12:48 | |
hide the toilet roll, what a stupid idea is this one? | 0:12:48 | 0:12:53 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:12:53 | 0:12:56 | |
If I went to someone's house, I would use THAT. | 0:12:57 | 0:13:02 | |
I've got a celebrity toilet roll cover. | 0:13:02 | 0:13:05 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:13:07 | 0:13:09 | |
That's evil. | 0:13:09 | 0:13:11 | |
I don't think she's OFFICIALLY been declared evil. | 0:13:11 | 0:13:15 | |
Can I ask, what do you do in your toilet? | 0:13:15 | 0:13:19 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:13:19 | 0:13:22 | |
Tell you what. I hope somebody has just switched on at that moment. | 0:13:22 | 0:13:25 | |
I just have, like, a big, glass dish, | 0:13:25 | 0:13:28 | |
which is from the floor up, like that, | 0:13:28 | 0:13:30 | |
and it's just full of loo rolls. | 0:13:30 | 0:13:32 | |
How many have you got in there, would you say? | 0:13:32 | 0:13:34 | |
Probably about eight. | 0:13:34 | 0:13:35 | |
What are you getting through a week? | 0:13:35 | 0:13:37 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:13:37 | 0:13:40 | |
Average week. Two meals in a day. | 0:13:40 | 0:13:44 | |
I used to live alone. | 0:13:44 | 0:13:46 | |
I would be hard pushed to get through a toilet roll | 0:13:46 | 0:13:48 | |
-every two weeks. -Oh, here we go! | 0:13:48 | 0:13:51 | |
In fact, if I was hard pushed, I probably wouldn't get through one! | 0:13:51 | 0:13:54 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:13:54 | 0:13:58 | |
But my girlfriend moves in and now we get through about five a week. | 0:13:58 | 0:14:02 | |
She'll say to me - honestly, I've seen her do this - | 0:14:02 | 0:14:05 | |
she'll stand like this and she'll say, | 0:14:05 | 0:14:07 | |
"Yeah, I'm just going to have a quick pee." | 0:14:07 | 0:14:11 | |
A quick pee?! | 0:14:11 | 0:14:13 | |
So, she'll have about this much on her hand, | 0:14:13 | 0:14:17 | |
and then she'll say, "Right, I'll just go and have a quick pee." | 0:14:17 | 0:14:20 | |
I think, "There's no need to use the toilet! | 0:14:20 | 0:14:23 | |
"You could just pee into your hand!" | 0:14:23 | 0:14:25 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:25 | 0:14:29 | |
It would be sufficiently absorbent! | 0:14:29 | 0:14:34 | |
OK, then. | 0:14:34 | 0:14:35 | |
What doesn't Miles like about the modern world? | 0:14:35 | 0:14:38 | |
I have a control button here. | 0:14:41 | 0:14:44 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:45 | 0:14:47 | |
Very good! | 0:14:47 | 0:14:49 | |
I really have a problem with automated doors, | 0:14:49 | 0:14:53 | |
particularly this... This is a fine example. Sliding doors. | 0:14:53 | 0:14:57 | |
Not the film. I've got no problem with the film. | 0:14:57 | 0:15:00 | |
But, I... | 0:15:00 | 0:15:01 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:15:01 | 0:15:03 | |
For instance, on trains, you're surrounded by sliding doors. | 0:15:03 | 0:15:07 | |
They don't even have an industry standard, | 0:15:07 | 0:15:09 | |
so you get to the end of the carriage and think, | 0:15:09 | 0:15:11 | |
"Is this one of the ones with a button? No, it's the one with..." | 0:15:11 | 0:15:14 | |
and you jump around for ages, or there's a concealed thing, | 0:15:14 | 0:15:17 | |
a button that maybe opens, or it's touch-sensitive, | 0:15:17 | 0:15:19 | |
or it's a proper button. And then, having got through the door, | 0:15:19 | 0:15:22 | |
you get to the lavatory. You're bursting to go to the lavatory. | 0:15:22 | 0:15:25 | |
It takes absolutely ages for the door to open. | 0:15:25 | 0:15:27 | |
You get in, you think, "Thank goodness me, I'm in the loo. | 0:15:27 | 0:15:30 | |
You're about to... You think, "I've got to wait for the door to close." | 0:15:30 | 0:15:33 | |
And that's another six or seven seconds. I think that is the moment | 0:15:33 | 0:15:36 | |
when most people wet themselves on public transport. | 0:15:36 | 0:15:39 | |
There is nothing wrong with normal doors. | 0:15:39 | 0:15:41 | |
These are an abomination. | 0:15:41 | 0:15:43 | |
They should be consigned to the furnaces of history. | 0:15:43 | 0:15:45 | |
Also, I think, when you make an entrance | 0:15:45 | 0:15:48 | |
it's great with electric doors, don't you think? | 0:15:48 | 0:15:50 | |
When you come up and they go swoosh! And you walk in. | 0:15:50 | 0:15:53 | |
-Especially with smoke behind. -Yeah, fantastic. | 0:15:53 | 0:15:55 | |
Whereas a door, you've got to do this, | 0:15:55 | 0:15:57 | |
and it's cumbersome and everything. That's good for an entrance. | 0:15:57 | 0:16:00 | |
That's brilliant. I never look at anything and think, | 0:16:00 | 0:16:03 | |
"Would that be any good for an entrance?" | 0:16:03 | 0:16:05 | |
I'm all for sort of gadgetry | 0:16:05 | 0:16:08 | |
that doesn't really achieve anything, or isn't necessary. | 0:16:08 | 0:16:11 | |
Er, why? | 0:16:11 | 0:16:13 | |
Can I persuade you into automatic things that we don't need? | 0:16:13 | 0:16:17 | |
What do you imagine that is? | 0:16:17 | 0:16:19 | |
Oh, is it... it's one of those things for measuring flutes. | 0:16:19 | 0:16:22 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:22 | 0:16:25 | |
This is an actual commercially available gadget. | 0:16:25 | 0:16:28 | |
You know when you have to press control-alt-delete? | 0:16:28 | 0:16:32 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:32 | 0:16:34 | |
Oh, brilliant! | 0:16:39 | 0:16:41 | |
They are technologies that are working. | 0:16:41 | 0:16:43 | |
I mean, they're successful at what they do. | 0:16:43 | 0:16:45 | |
Sliding doors only create havoc. | 0:16:45 | 0:16:47 | |
The thing is, if you didn't have automatic doors, | 0:16:47 | 0:16:50 | |
you wouldn't have had this very, very lovely moment. | 0:16:50 | 0:16:53 | |
CHUCKLING | 0:16:55 | 0:16:57 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:02 | 0:17:04 | |
That's so cruel! | 0:17:07 | 0:17:09 | |
OK. What doesn't Vernon like about modern life? | 0:17:14 | 0:17:18 | |
The decline of kids' games, | 0:17:23 | 0:17:26 | |
because now our kids are turning into finger-sweepers. | 0:17:26 | 0:17:29 | |
You know, they just sit on iPads and phones. | 0:17:29 | 0:17:32 | |
It's the fact that kids are sitting on their backsides | 0:17:32 | 0:17:34 | |
and using their fingers to play games, | 0:17:34 | 0:17:36 | |
instead of getting out on the street and playing hide and seek, | 0:17:36 | 0:17:40 | |
tig, British bulldog. | 0:17:40 | 0:17:42 | |
We played a game at school, this is absolutely true, | 0:17:42 | 0:17:44 | |
called British Bull Snog. | 0:17:44 | 0:17:47 | |
It would be boys versus girls. | 0:17:47 | 0:17:49 | |
The girls would line up and we'd be ready | 0:17:49 | 0:17:51 | |
and they had to run to the other side, and if we caught them, | 0:17:51 | 0:17:54 | |
-we got to snog them. -There you go. | 0:17:54 | 0:17:56 | |
Unfortunately, I was the caretaker. | 0:17:56 | 0:17:59 | |
I shouldn't really have been... | 0:17:59 | 0:18:01 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:18:01 | 0:18:04 | |
No, we did. That was a game we played. | 0:18:04 | 0:18:07 | |
Yeah, there's all kinds. | 0:18:07 | 0:18:08 | |
We used to play a game called Chainy, where, once again, | 0:18:08 | 0:18:11 | |
one kid would be "it", and then you'd tig someone else | 0:18:11 | 0:18:13 | |
and then you'd hold hands, and then you'd run around together | 0:18:13 | 0:18:16 | |
and try and tig someone else, and then they'd join the chain, | 0:18:16 | 0:18:19 | |
and then the chain would end when everyone kind of trapped | 0:18:19 | 0:18:22 | |
the last kid in the corner of the playground, and then, you know... | 0:18:22 | 0:18:25 | |
I played that for four and a half hours with the Dalai Lama. | 0:18:25 | 0:18:28 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:18:28 | 0:18:30 | |
So, you generally think it's better to do the real thing | 0:18:33 | 0:18:36 | |
than to do some sort of Internet version of it? | 0:18:36 | 0:18:38 | |
Yeah, because, you know, you've got all them arguments | 0:18:38 | 0:18:41 | |
about our kids getting fat and, "Oh, obesity is rife." | 0:18:41 | 0:18:43 | |
Yeah, because they're sat on the sofa just doing this. | 0:18:43 | 0:18:46 | |
You don't burn many calories whilst you're sweeping, | 0:18:46 | 0:18:48 | |
playing Fruit Ninja. You know what I mean? | 0:18:48 | 0:18:50 | |
Go and get your dad's axe out of the garage. | 0:18:50 | 0:18:53 | |
Throw some apples up and try and slice them in half. | 0:18:53 | 0:18:55 | |
You know, that's REAL Fruit Ninja! | 0:18:55 | 0:18:57 | |
And remember, children, please don't try that at home. | 0:18:57 | 0:19:02 | |
I wonder if it is health and safety | 0:19:02 | 0:19:04 | |
that's put a stop to some of these kids' games. | 0:19:04 | 0:19:06 | |
-It must be! -Do you remember the compass game? | 0:19:06 | 0:19:08 | |
You used to get a compass and hold your hand like that. | 0:19:08 | 0:19:12 | |
It was like self-harming, but with an element of chance! | 0:19:12 | 0:19:17 | |
-Yeah. My brother used to play that. -You couldn't do that now! | 0:19:17 | 0:19:21 | |
I agree. Board games. Fantastic. | 0:19:21 | 0:19:23 | |
Board games. But you can get them on your tablet now. | 0:19:23 | 0:19:25 | |
Board games don't keep you very fit, do they? | 0:19:25 | 0:19:28 | |
No, but they bring children together, you know. | 0:19:28 | 0:19:31 | |
We used to play Monopoly. We used to play forever. | 0:19:31 | 0:19:33 | |
In Monopoly, it's a game where you learn to cheat the bank, you know. | 0:19:33 | 0:19:38 | |
Surely that's a skill everyone should be learning these days! | 0:19:38 | 0:19:40 | |
-Yes. -Well, even bullying now is all done on the Internet. | 0:19:40 | 0:19:45 | |
At least when you were being bullied, | 0:19:46 | 0:19:48 | |
you used to get a bit of fresh air! | 0:19:48 | 0:19:50 | |
Do kids still pretend to be people? | 0:19:52 | 0:19:54 | |
Like when we were at school, you know, | 0:19:54 | 0:19:56 | |
-we'd be Doctor Who one week and then the Saint. -Yeah, yeah. | 0:19:56 | 0:19:59 | |
We had an incident at our house | 0:19:59 | 0:20:01 | |
that involved, er, the police coming round, | 0:20:01 | 0:20:05 | |
and me cleaning another man's blood off my patio. | 0:20:05 | 0:20:09 | |
Um ... | 0:20:09 | 0:20:10 | |
What were you playing? Brookside? | 0:20:10 | 0:20:12 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:20:12 | 0:20:15 | |
What happened was there was a dramatic incident | 0:20:15 | 0:20:18 | |
at our house, in our garden. | 0:20:18 | 0:20:20 | |
Two police ladies came and they were sort of taking statements, | 0:20:20 | 0:20:23 | |
and then my oldest son suddenly appeared at the door | 0:20:23 | 0:20:26 | |
and sort of coughed, and we all turned round, | 0:20:26 | 0:20:28 | |
and he'd gone and dressed as a policeman. | 0:20:28 | 0:20:30 | |
He'd got this great helmet, and he goes, | 0:20:31 | 0:20:33 | |
"If you hit the top of my helmet, there's a siren". | 0:20:33 | 0:20:36 | |
You have to have some things that kids do on the Internet | 0:20:38 | 0:20:42 | |
that they don't do in the real world. I think that's acceptable. | 0:20:42 | 0:20:45 | |
I could imagine you at your house saying, | 0:20:45 | 0:20:48 | |
"Never mind playing Grand Theft Auto! | 0:20:48 | 0:20:50 | |
"Go joyriding! Go on!" | 0:20:50 | 0:20:52 | |
Go on, have that. | 0:20:52 | 0:20:54 | |
So, anyway, I don't feel I can accept automatic doors, | 0:20:56 | 0:21:00 | |
because I love any bit of... | 0:21:00 | 0:21:02 | |
anything that makes me feel like I'm living in the 21st century. | 0:21:02 | 0:21:05 | |
I think toilet roll covers are quite a nice thing, | 0:21:05 | 0:21:10 | |
because toilet rolls are fine, but you can't get round the fact | 0:21:10 | 0:21:13 | |
that they get involved in some pretty unpleasant activities, | 0:21:13 | 0:21:17 | |
and I'd rather that was just, you know, kept undercover. | 0:21:17 | 0:21:22 | |
So, I am going to put | 0:21:22 | 0:21:25 | |
modern children's games into Room 101. | 0:21:25 | 0:21:27 | |
Yeah! | 0:21:27 | 0:21:31 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:21:31 | 0:21:33 | |
Next category, please. | 0:21:39 | 0:21:41 | |
OK, it's the wildcard round, so there are no restraints. | 0:21:47 | 0:21:50 | |
You can pick ANYTHING that you don't like. | 0:21:50 | 0:21:52 | |
So, what is Kelly's wildcard? | 0:21:52 | 0:21:56 | |
My pet hate is tradesmen, | 0:21:59 | 0:22:02 | |
so you're ringing up to have Sky come round, BT, a plumber, | 0:22:02 | 0:22:05 | |
an electrician, and they give you a date, | 0:22:05 | 0:22:08 | |
and they say they'll come between 9am and 6pm. | 0:22:08 | 0:22:10 | |
They turn up at 5.50pm | 0:22:10 | 0:22:12 | |
and then they don't have the parts to fix your...whatever it is. | 0:22:12 | 0:22:15 | |
Yeah. That's a good one. | 0:22:15 | 0:22:17 | |
We all work. We're all busy. Why can they not say to you, | 0:22:19 | 0:22:23 | |
"I'll either call you an hour before I'm going to get to your home", | 0:22:23 | 0:22:26 | |
so it gives you time to leave and get back? | 0:22:26 | 0:22:28 | |
And most of the time you tell them kind of what's wrong. | 0:22:28 | 0:22:30 | |
You'd think they would have a van full of what they need, | 0:22:30 | 0:22:33 | |
not that they have to go and order it, | 0:22:33 | 0:22:35 | |
then you have to wait another three weeks for somebody to turn up. | 0:22:35 | 0:22:38 | |
It's just ... that is not the 20th century. | 0:22:38 | 0:22:40 | |
No. | 0:22:40 | 0:22:42 | |
-It's the 21st century. -Sorry, the 21st! | 0:22:42 | 0:22:45 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:22:45 | 0:22:48 | |
I am dyslexic. | 0:22:48 | 0:22:49 | |
That's the trouble. That's why they don't deliver on time. | 0:22:49 | 0:22:53 | |
You live in a time vortex. | 0:22:54 | 0:22:57 | |
I love it. | 0:22:57 | 0:22:58 | |
I've got some pictures of tradesmen, sort of, building... | 0:22:58 | 0:23:03 | |
I don't want to call them mistakes, but let's say, unsatisfactory jobs. | 0:23:03 | 0:23:08 | |
The first one I like to call the trapped fridge. | 0:23:08 | 0:23:11 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:23:11 | 0:23:15 | |
That was actually fitted in someone's kitchen. | 0:23:15 | 0:23:19 | |
That is awesome. | 0:23:19 | 0:23:22 | |
The next one, I think, in a strange way, is very inventive. | 0:23:22 | 0:23:25 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:23:26 | 0:23:29 | |
And when the door is shut, you can hand the toilet roll through. | 0:23:33 | 0:23:37 | |
-There you go. -Perfect! | 0:23:37 | 0:23:39 | |
OK, what is Vernon's wildcard? | 0:23:39 | 0:23:42 | |
Three-quarter length shorts. | 0:23:47 | 0:23:51 | |
What is the point? | 0:23:51 | 0:23:54 | |
You go on holiday | 0:23:54 | 0:23:56 | |
and you wear a short | 0:23:56 | 0:23:58 | |
that tans your lower calf. | 0:23:58 | 0:24:02 | |
And the majority of three-quarter length shorts | 0:24:02 | 0:24:06 | |
have elasticated bottoms to stop the water from going up your leg, | 0:24:06 | 0:24:10 | |
should you choose to go for a walk in the sea. | 0:24:10 | 0:24:13 | |
I just do not understand. | 0:24:13 | 0:24:15 | |
It's often sort of British lads abroad, isn't it? | 0:24:15 | 0:24:20 | |
Often more used to stop the water coming down your leg. | 0:24:20 | 0:24:26 | |
Yes. | 0:24:26 | 0:24:27 | |
I mean, I've been to a lot of overseas games with England, | 0:24:27 | 0:24:31 | |
and you see a lot of England fans with those slip-on white trainers | 0:24:31 | 0:24:36 | |
and the three-quarter length shorts. | 0:24:36 | 0:24:39 | |
I think these people only wear long trousers for court appearances. | 0:24:39 | 0:24:43 | |
We've got a picture of some of these shorts. | 0:24:45 | 0:24:47 | |
There you go. Look at that. | 0:24:47 | 0:24:50 | |
That was, er, that was my stag do. | 0:24:50 | 0:24:52 | |
Now, you famously wore shorts, didn't you, on Splash? | 0:24:55 | 0:24:58 | |
Look at that. Now, that's a man's short! | 0:24:58 | 0:25:00 | |
I got a lot of grief for wearing shorts. | 0:25:00 | 0:25:03 | |
Well, it's very unusual to see a presenter wearing shorts. | 0:25:03 | 0:25:05 | |
That's why I got a lot of grief. | 0:25:05 | 0:25:07 | |
At least I didn't wear THEM bad boys! I'd look like a right buffoon. | 0:25:07 | 0:25:10 | |
In fairness, you don't see the espadrille enough, do you, | 0:25:10 | 0:25:12 | |
on light early evening entertainment formats. | 0:25:12 | 0:25:17 | |
OK. So what is Miles's wildcard? | 0:25:20 | 0:25:24 | |
I really don't like loud noises. | 0:25:28 | 0:25:33 | |
I'm quite a jumpy person. | 0:25:33 | 0:25:35 | |
I'm not...you know, I'm not as brave as I initially appear. | 0:25:35 | 0:25:40 | |
You must be that brave, at least! | 0:25:40 | 0:25:44 | |
I think the vast majority of noises | 0:25:46 | 0:25:49 | |
are either far too quiet or far too noisy. | 0:25:49 | 0:25:52 | |
I went to see the doctor. | 0:25:52 | 0:25:54 | |
I said, "There is something wrong with my ears", | 0:25:54 | 0:25:57 | |
and what happened was I had the whole hearing test | 0:25:57 | 0:26:00 | |
and the lady sat me down afterwards. | 0:26:00 | 0:26:01 | |
She goes, "Right, I've got the results. | 0:26:01 | 0:26:04 | |
"You have completely normal hearing. | 0:26:04 | 0:26:07 | |
"What I think you have is above average irritability." | 0:26:07 | 0:26:12 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:12 | 0:26:16 | |
There should basically be a decibel limit on any sort of new invention. | 0:26:16 | 0:26:20 | |
I mean, those Dyson Airblades, is that what... | 0:26:20 | 0:26:22 | |
they are absolutely deafening! | 0:26:22 | 0:26:24 | |
The hand drier? | 0:26:24 | 0:26:25 | |
I would happily stand in, not for, like, a whole day, | 0:26:25 | 0:26:28 | |
but I would happily just let people silently dry their hands | 0:26:28 | 0:26:31 | |
on my trousers, rather than inflict that on anyone. | 0:26:31 | 0:26:37 | |
-It's an appalling noise. -I think you're somewhat grumpy. | 0:26:37 | 0:26:40 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:26:40 | 0:26:43 | |
Sometimes loud noises can be very comedic, you know, | 0:26:47 | 0:26:51 | |
like when you surprise somebody. | 0:26:51 | 0:26:53 | |
For example, this is a bit from the Internet, | 0:26:53 | 0:26:55 | |
and this girl's dad is doing the washing-up for a change, | 0:26:55 | 0:26:59 | |
so she thought she'd surprise him with a bit of a loud noise. | 0:26:59 | 0:27:03 | |
GIRL SCREAMS | 0:27:03 | 0:27:06 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:27:06 | 0:27:09 | |
You have to, er... | 0:27:13 | 0:27:15 | |
you have to be a BIT careful when you're going to do that. | 0:27:15 | 0:27:19 | |
We have to see that again, don't we? | 0:27:19 | 0:27:23 | |
GIRL SCREAMS | 0:27:23 | 0:27:25 | |
Oh, that's so awful! | 0:27:32 | 0:27:36 | |
OK. Well, look, | 0:27:36 | 0:27:38 | |
although I'm very frightened of the people | 0:27:38 | 0:27:40 | |
who wear those three-quarter length shorts, | 0:27:40 | 0:27:42 | |
I don't feel I can put them in, | 0:27:42 | 0:27:44 | |
otherwise there'd be nine people at the next England away game. | 0:27:44 | 0:27:48 | |
True. All right. | 0:27:48 | 0:27:49 | |
And I agree that loud noises can be a real pain, | 0:27:49 | 0:27:52 | |
but some of them are also quite exciting, | 0:27:52 | 0:27:56 | |
and they can get people hit with trays, | 0:27:56 | 0:27:58 | |
so that's... I wouldn't like to have missed out on that. | 0:27:58 | 0:28:03 | |
But I have to say, Kelly, you're quite right, | 0:28:03 | 0:28:06 | |
things are getting worse and worse | 0:28:06 | 0:28:07 | |
on the tradesmen-coming-to-your-house front. | 0:28:07 | 0:28:10 | |
So, I am going to put tradesmen in the home into Room 101. | 0:28:10 | 0:28:14 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:28:14 | 0:28:17 | |
And that brings us to the end of the show. | 0:28:27 | 0:28:29 | |
Well done, Vernon, you were the most persuasive guest tonight, | 0:28:29 | 0:28:32 | |
so you are this week's winner. | 0:28:32 | 0:28:34 | |
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING | 0:28:34 | 0:28:37 | |
Thanks very much to Miles Jupp, Vernon Kay and Kelly Hoppen, | 0:28:41 | 0:28:44 | |
and thank you, goodnight! | 0:28:44 | 0:28:46 |