Episode 2 Room 101

CHEERING

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,

the show where three guests compete to condemn their deepest dislikes

to the dreaded room.

They'll have to argue their case well

because in each round only one item can be chosen -

the final decision is mine.

Let's meet this week's guests.

Joining me tonight are... The Thick Of It, Joanna Scanlan.

The SHTICK OF IT, Noel Fielding.

And, "give us a kick of it," Ian Wright.

CHEERING

Anyway, as they used to say on 'Allo 'Allo!...

good moaning. BELL DINGS

So what's Noel's choice?

Spiders.

SUBDUED CHEERING

Ooh, that's...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-It was like they had a debate first.

-I know!

-"Shall we applaud?"

-Whole gamut of emotions.

Yeah. So why? Why spiders?

Well, I recently went to Australia, and...

that was a whole other ballgame.

-Mm.

-I mean, I'm frightened of spiders here,

but in Australia, they are massive.

I mean, literally, one picked me up at the airport.

-LAUGHTER

-In a taxi.

It's still on your head. LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Quite good when we got to the hotel, though,

cos he picked up all my bags...

But, I mean, they're properly dangerous in Australia as well, so...

Yeah, well, they can kill you. You know like here, in England,

the thing is, in England, you do the sort of postcard/cup technique.

-You know, you try and trap...

-IAN:

-Mm-hm.

In Australia, there was one in... This is a true story.

Me and my brother were sharing a hotel, doing a Boosh tour,

and there was... A huntsman, it's called. And...

it literally was this big, right, on the wall,

so we couldn't even get it in a mug.

We had to... I had to go to the kitchen and get a mixing bowl, yeah,

and we had to use an album...

IAN LAUGHS

I used Abbey Road, right? This is a true story.

And cos mixing bowls, they're see-through,

they're sort of magnifying.

So, it was THAT big anyway, and when I put the mixing bowl,

its head was bigger than mine.

-Wow.

-I could see its cheekbones, it was awful.

And so I slid the album underneath it and took it outside,

and I put it out, and it didn't even just go in the bushes,

it walked down the sidewalk like a man.

Like a man would, it just went off...

across the zebra crossing...

Must have got the idea from Abbey Road.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So bad.

-The huntsman spider.

-I know.

Does it herald its arrival with a bugle call?

Bwwuh-rooo!

I am not very good with the... the cup and the...

I always think beermat, the glass and the beermat.

Or, you know, the coaster thing.

If it's a really big spider,

I don't really want it in the same postcode as me.

-I've got a spider catcher.

-Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

It's really long, plastic, thin, and it's got a bulb on the end...

And you...you go near the spider, you just press the bulb

and a vacuum sucks the spider up

-and then you can go outside and release.

-Wow.

-A spider in Australia would snatch that off you.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

"What else you got?"

Just to prove that, um, Noel's not exaggerating,

we have a man actually catching a spider in Australia.

-It is a bit scary.

-Oh...

Can you see Daddy and the spider?

-CHILD:

-'Yeah, I can.'

-OK.

That's the one!

'Daddy, careful.'

Decided to get a bigger container because of...the size of this one.

I'll have to move really quick.

-NOEL:

-Oh...

-Aah!

-CHILD SCREAMS

Oh!

-That's what I'm talking about.

-I know.

-They do nothing and then right at the last minute... Whoo!

-Yes.

Can you find any admiration for 'em?

Cos they are, they're remarkable creatures, aren't they?

No. You know the old Robert the Bruce story?

Robert the Bruce saw the spider and it swung...

-Yeah.

-..and it kept climbing and... if at first -

d'you know the Robert the Bruce...?

-SOME AUDIENCE MEMBERS:

-Yeah.

-Oh, yeah.

No, they... Let me bring it down for the crowd.

You know Incy Wincy Spider?

LAUGHTER

Well, the rain comes down and washes Incy out,

and when the sun comes out he climbs back up.

They don't give up.

It's this idea that they keep fighting. It's like, sort of...

-Like Gary Barlow.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

-How do you feel about Spider-Man, are you all right with him?

-Yeah.

I feel all right around Spider-Man, yeah.

We've got some pictures of people fancy-dressing as Spider-Man,

which I like.

LAUGHTER

-That's not good enough, in my opinion.

-No.

-SPIDER-BLOKE, that is.

-Yeah.

What about... What about this guy?

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

Wow.

Now, I think if he walked round the perimeter of a football pitch,

the fans would chant, "Who ate all the FLIES?"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Now, let's see what Ian's choice is.

The film Grease.

CHEERING AND BOOING

FRANK LAUGHS

-I hate that bloody film.

-MAN:

-Whoo!

When I was younger, it was... it was all cool

and John Travolta, who done Night Fever and all that,

he was a great dancer and it was fine

cos, you know, when you're growing up, it looked pretty cool.

They had cars and everything.

But as you get older, I've got daughters now, I just...

I was watching it the other day and I thought,

"I don't like Grease now."

Um... You know, you've got the girls - really decent.

Olivia Newton-John - gorgeous, beautiful, nice gear,

nice clothes she's wearing and everything.

She wanted to get the guy, so in the end,

she had to dress up in that tight leather, high-heel wearing,

-red lipstick, smoking, biker chick, to get the bloke.

-Mm.

And I thought to myself, "I don't want my girls to see Grease."

-WOMAN:

-Whoo!

APPLAUSE Wow.

So...

..TELL ME MORE.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I think it's cos I'm getting older about stuff, like.

I used to quite like...

I used to quite fancy... There's a girl who was...

She thought she was pregnant all the way through the film!

-Yeah.

-Rizzo, weren't it?

-Yeah, Rizzo.

-What's that about?

Oh, come on.

I've got to tell you, you're going to have to go some to get this in.

I love it. I love it, love it, love it.

You must like...

Summer... Summer Nights, do you like that?

Well, to be honest, when I was younger, I got into the songs, man.

-Yeah.

-Of course you did, you know what I mean?

LAUGHTER Yeah, yeah. Come on!

-"Summer lovin'" and all that.

-Oh, that bit where it goes...

# Summer dreams Ripped at the seams... #

And-And John Travolta suddenly goes, "Oh."

I love that!

And then he goes...

# Those summer... #

-And suddenly they become the Bee Gees...

-Yeah.

..and go...

-# Ni-i-i-i-ights

-Ni-i-i-i-ights. #

Yeah! NOEL LAUGHS

You must... You must like Greased Lightning.

The song was great, but, like... there's too much other stuff

that's going on that I don't like with the film.

There are good influences.

I think the whole Greased Lightning sequence sent loads of young boys

off to join Kwik Fit.

LAUGHTER

-Shall we watch Greased Lightning?

-Let's watch it.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Let's watch a bit cos it's pretty good.

Why couldn't it be Greased Lightning? Greased Lightning!

# We'll get some overhead lifters and four barrel quads, oh, yeah

# Keep talking, whoa, keep talking

# Fuel injection cut-offs Chrome-plated rods, oh, yeah

# We'll get her ready I'll kill to get her ready

# With a four-speed on the floor They'll be waiting at the door

# You know that ain't no shit We'll be getting lots of tit

-# In Greased Lightning

-Go, go, go, go-go-go-go-go-go-go-go

# Go Greased Lightning You're burning up the quarter mile

# Greased Lightning Go, Greased Lightning... #

JOANNA LAUGHS

CHEERING

HE CLEARS THROAT

Wow.

Oh, you know what? I love a bit of GARAGE.

Also, that car at the end takes off and goes into space.

-How's that happening?

-Yeah, that's a... That's a strange bit.

-That was the director gone mad, wasn't it?

-Yeah.

You know what the theory is about that?

You know when he said they were messing around

and she almost drowned?

-You know that, in the song, at the beginning?

-Oh, yeah.

-Yeah.

That she DID drown...and during the bit where she was los...

h-had no oxygen, she imagined the whole Grease thing,

and at the end she goes to heaven in a car.

STILTED LAUGHTER

Goodnight.

No, it's a... No, that is a theory.

-You might have ruined Grease for me.

-Oh, don't say that.

-Good.

I think... LAUGHTER

NOEL LAUGHS

Could you argue, Ian, that a young person watching that

learns a lot about teenage love and stuff like that?

But what I'm saying is it's the way that it transpires

and how it ends up them being together.

I mean, she's not pregnant in the end, Rizzo.

She's not, but they're having sex at school!

They all look about 37, to be fair.

There's a thing now, this...

You might not believe this, but there's a song in Grease

which I have never been able to sing without crying.

-Right, OK.

-And that is...

-I know it.

-Can you guess which one it is?

-Hopelessly Devoted?

-It is.

I was just singing it at home the other day, and I just...

I just lost it.

I was telling the production team about this, and they said,

-"Try singing it on the show".

-Mm.

And I don't know if it'll work here, obviously, cos I...

-But shall I give it a go?

-Yeah.

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Sing it from the heart, Frank, that's... Sing it from the heart.

# Guess mine is not the first heart broken

# My eyes are not the first to cry

# I'm not the first to know there's just no getting over you

# But baby can't you see there's nothing else for me to do?

# I'm hopelessly devoted to you

# But now there's nowhere to hide

# Since you pushed my love aside I'm out of my head

# Hopelessly devoted to you... #

You're crying, man.

# Hopelessly devoted to you... #

Your eyes are welling... Oh, my God!

I can't do any more. It's too much.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, well done!

-I'm going to have to do that thing now that women do.

-Yeah.

OK, so what's Joanna's choice?

I don't even have to say it, bad toast etiquette.

APPLAUSE

I have a thing which is that if...

If you put your knife into the butter...

and then you put the butter on the toast...

..you spread it with that same knife,

then you go back to the butter...

-possibly even go into the jam...

-Oh.

..the peanut butter or the Marmite,

then put that back in the butter, you're going to have crumbs -

jam, Marmite and peanut butter - or whatever else, in the butter.

-Yeah.

-You're supposed to have a side plate and you put your toast on it.

Then you have your knife, which is for the butter,

the butter knife, which is only for butter, and then a spoon

or something else to get it onto your plate, the jam and the stuff.

Put the butter on, then take the butter from the plate

onto the toast and back again.

Wow.

APPLAUSE

-I'm with you.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, I'm with you.

-Yeah, yeah.

-I like that, yeah.

-Yeah.

I must admit, I quite like to see a bit of jam in the butter.

No.

Looks like a beautiful sunset.

-No.

-No?

I don't believe you. I think you're...

It is a disgusting sight.

-I don't think it is.

-Yeah, it is weird.

Crumbs particularly.

I know they're microscopic but there's something really,

for me, very visceral about it, seeing them there.

When I put the... Because I do it, that's why I'm being a bit quiet.

-Oh.

-I put the...

-Here we go.

-I don't do the Marmite. I do the jam.

But what I do, when I do go back into the butter

after I've been in the jam, I try to go back to where I've left jam

and take that out of the butter.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

So I'm trying to...

I'm trying to clean up.

I'm trying to clean up after myself.

Anywhere where there's bits of jam, I take that bit of butter.

You'd be amazing at a murder scene.

Columbo comes in.

"Hey, who's taken the butter?"

The thing is that when you're doing that,

aren't you leaving new crumbs and new jam from your last trip?

I'm going back. I can't get all of it.

It's a never-ending process, though.

You start to think you're...

You're trying to make it better but make it a little bit worse.

Sometimes you're just burying the crumbs. You're not taking them out.

So they're under the surface.

Oh!

My dad, he used to put butter on his hair.

He'd be in the mirror, ready to go out.

He'd just reach into the butter.

And he'd double... Sometimes he'd go back.

There was hair and dandruff and everything.

Oh!

Oh! Oh! That's the limit.

I mean..

That's double dipping at its worst.

-I tell you what I sometimes use...

-Oh, here we go.

..which definitely helps on this front.

And that is... I have this knife.

-Wow.

-So with this knife, I...

You know, I put the butter on and...

Haven't got quite enough. Oh, I can't go back with...

-I'm already in trouble.

-Exactly.

So now I'm going to go to the jam.

Yeah.

LAUGHTER

-Wow.

-All absolutely fine.

APPLAUSE

-That's a cool knife.

-Yeah.

You also get jam in the butter, you get butter in the jam.

It's a two-way street, Joanna.

It's not a matter of whether you mind.

It's about consideration for others, isn't it?

Yes, but I don't get that from my partner.

My partner insists that all the butter in our house

is kept in the fridge.

So it's like...

It's kind of like cheese when it comes out.

-It's so hard.

-I know.

-So I'm trying to do the...

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Can't get in.

-So I tell you what I...

It breaks the bread. It breaks the toast. That's a nightmare.

-Yeah.

-That's awful.

-God, that's a nightmare.

-I've thrown bread away because it's broken like that.

-Me too.

-Yeah.

I've moved house because of that.

This is what I end up eating, is this.

-That's a Battenberg.

-It looks like a children's drawing of a house.

It's clear that there's a problem, isn't there?

Because they're trying to invent things that would help sort out

this massive issue. So it's just...

What's the solution? Technology hasn't got us there yet.

I wonder if you could get the jam out of the butter

with your otherwise unused spider catcher.

It is, it's a difficult problem,

and I can tell here people feel your pain.

OK, so we come to the end of that round

and I have to make my decision.

For a start off, I take your point about the lax attitude

to teenage physical activity in Grease, but as you can see,

it's a film that's at the very core of my being.

I didn't realise I was going to get a rendition of the song

-with you crying and all that.

-No, exactly.

It just killed me.

No, that was pretty tough. Don't remind me of that again.

So I can't possibly put that in.

With the toast thing, I mean, I feel people's concern about it.

What I do in my house is I have my own butter,

so I have crumbs, jam, marmite...

-Yeah.

-..some of my dad's hair. It's fine.

So I think it's as simple as having two sources of butter.

Spiders, in a way I admire spiders and respect spiders,

but I also find myself killing them with sheer terror,

and I don't like the side that they bring out in me.

So although we're going to be overrun with insects of all kinds,

I am going to put spiders into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

And so to Ian's choice.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Honestly, I've had brilliant meals, and afterwards

they bring the cheeseboard and it just makes me gag.

It's like, the first guy who...

He must have been absolutely ravenous,

starving, to eat cheese that smells like

some of the cheese that I've smelt when it's come out on the board.

It's just ridiculous. It's not supposed to be eaten.

I think one day people are going to say, "You know something?

"Eating all that stinky cheese, you shouldn't have been eating that."

It's rotten.

It's supposed to be a sign of, sort of, a cultured a palate,

isn't it, if you like? Sort of a food connoisseur.

Can't understand how anyone can get it past this part here,

the nose here, to go into your mouth.

-You know, I like Manchego.

-That smells.

-No, it doesn't smell.

-Oh, yeah. Manchego really...

Manchego does not smell.

Oh, I really don't like the smell of Manchego.

Of all cheeses, I think that does smell nasty.

No, no, no, man. Not Manchego.

Manchego is a beautiful-smelling cheese.

Join us for Cheese Wars.

LAUGHTER

I tell you what doesn't smell.

The Babybel.

They smell of life, of pure life,

and then you can make a small shape out of the wax coat.

-Yeah, that's nice.

-That's a good point.

I have some...

This is called... I'm going to have an attempt.

-..Epoisses.

-Epoisses.

And this is...

Yeah, this is like, um...

like the changing room at school.

But what I find with this is if you're eating something like...

I watch quite a lot of zombie movies, and when the zombies appear,

you just take the lid off

and it's very, very realistic.

I've got a bit of a ...

I'm basically... My dad's French, so my family are French,

so I'm a bit of a French duke,

so I have been faced with eating stinky cheese.

And one cheese that I had to eat, honestly,

it sent me into the future.

I was 12 when I tasted it.

I was 17 when I came to.

But I love it. I don't know if you've ever been

into one of those cheese shops where they just sell cheese.

You do feel like it's quite an exciting...

The first cheese, I suppose, was brie,

which now feels pretty normal, but when I first had brie

I really thought I'd reached... Just the feel of it.

-Yeah.

-That sort of...

-Velvety.

Oh, I miss Grandma.

And I like the waxed... This is Gouda, I think.

-Oh, yeah.

-But look at that. That's a brilliant...

That can't smell.

It's just a massive Babybel, a yellow one.

That's the mother-ship.

It's a little bit on the rolly side. Luckily...

Oh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

See, they're very handy, the Dairylea triangles.

I used to like that. When we were younger,

I liked the way they fit into that little...all the triangles.

-That's clever, isn't it?

-Yeah.

I tell you what you'd like. Trivial Pursuit.

LAUGHTER

My favourite cheese experience - this doesn't happen very often -

but you know when you get the Swiss cheese, like this?

This is the sliced Leerdammer cheese.

And occasionally, on a day when the whole world is in sync,

my patchy thing that I've done from the really hard...

..fits absolutely.

APPLAUSE

OK. So what's Jo's next choice?

Ooh.

Numbers. I can't cope with numbers.

When I hear a number, my brain goes...

SHE WHIRS AND FIZZES

..and I just stop listening, and panic.

And it can be anything.

It could be money, or it could be,

you know, speed.

It could be anything. It's a problem.

-I mean, it's clearly a problem.

-Yeah.

-I got...

For my maths O-level, I got a U.

I got an unclassified for my maths O-level.

I mean, I understand the problem that they're setting,

it's not like I don't understand the problem.

So if they say, "What is half?"

I understand what half is. I understand the concept of half.

It's the number bit that I have a problem with.

Of course, if I let it through there'll be no numbers

in the world, after they've gone into the room.

I can see there would be some issues, but...

Couldn't we go back to abacus?

And, sort of, you know... Like, it's beads.

It's more on that side than that side, but you don't give it

one, two, three, four, five...

I can see a couple of calculators just edging out by the door.

The thing that always amazes me is when someone texts you to say their

baby is born, they all have to say, like, "Nine pounds three ounces."

They always have to tell you the weight.

Why do they do that?

No-one would ever say, "I've got a new girlfriend.

"Nine stone two."

LAUGHTER

You would never do that. What is that weird obsession?

-It's true.

-Well, the Americans do a bit, though.

When they describe people they say, "200 pounds."

You know, they do throw numbers alongside names.

-I never know what that means. Do you?

-No.

"Got to be 400 pounds, that guy." I just think, "Is that a lot?

"How big is he? Is he a goblin? What's happening?"

Did you like charts and all that at school,

when you used to get graphs and things?

Well, I mean, I preferred a picture to the number.

Yeah. They sort of appeal to me, pie charts.

Are you familiar with the Meatloaf song?

# I would do anything for love

# But I won't do that. #

They actually, um...

They took that song lyric and expressed it as a graph.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK, so, what is upsetting Noel Fielding?

What's the point?

CHEERING

I mean, what's the point of hangovers?

Why?

If we just drank five bottles of wine, fell asleep,

woke up the next day, felt fine, what's the problem with that?

What is this rubbish about?

I mean, when I was younger, they were fine.

My liver the next day would give me a little cheeky warning,

you know, like a Mogwai. It would go, "Bar-bar-r-r-r."

Now it comes in like Chewbacca, kicks the door down,

"Br-r-r-r-r-r-r," gets me in a headlock.

I mean, I literally am out of the game for three days.

The only time you think you haven't got a hangover, now,

you're still drunk.

I've gone through the night. That's how drunk I was.

I don't like that fuzzy feeling.

I'm not a massive drinker, so it doesn't take much for me to...

the next day, after having a couple the night before, to really...

And it stays all day, that fuzzy, horrible feeling.

Drink more water.

-Drink so much water, you know what I mean?

-Doesn't work.

Your belly is gushing. Your belly is like, "Blumf, blumf."

I'm a recovering alcoholic. I'll be upfront about it.

I used to wet the bed anyway,

without drinking three pints of water before I went to bed.

What am I, just trying to take the colour down a couple of shades?

LAUGHTER

The trouble is, whenever I talk to people about drinking anecdotes,

it all starts off all funny

and then I tell some of my stories, and people just go, "Oh."

Like, you'll particularly like this one.

This sort of sums up the show for you.

I once went on a massive bender for about five days

and I was lying in bed one morning, and I could see spiders crawling

about on the ceiling, which were caused by the alcohol in my brain.

They weren't really there.

See, you don't get banter like this on Would I Lie To You?

As you get older they become bleaker and bleaker, the hangovers.

Longer. Like, three-day hangovers.

That's a holiday, isn't it?

That's a weekend break.

People say to me now, they say, if I tell them I haven't drunk...

I haven't had a drink since September 24th 1986.

Woo! Nice one, man.

APPLAUSE

And people say to me, "Oh, well, you know,

"at least you can remember what you did last night."

And I say, "Yeah, nothing."

LAUGHTER

So have you come up with a cure for a hangover?

Not really.

I think what happens is you fight it and fight it and eventually you

just have to think, "Oh, I'll just lie here and watch Police Academy 5.

"I won't try and move my arms or legs.

"Hopefully someone will put a pizza in my face at some point."

I think the only cure is to just not drink as much.

Yes, I think that's true.

I guess if you didn't have them then you'd just drink all the time,

-and it would be ridiculous.

-Yes.

You kind of have to have the high and low, don't you?

The yin and the yang.

I think you've just talked me out of putting them into Room 101.

Oh, no.

Well, the truth is, if hangovers didn't exist,

if I put them into Room 101, I'd probably start drinking again

tomorrow and I'd end up on waste ground with 15 carrier bags

shouting, "I used to be on television."

Stinky cheese. I, um...

I think it's all right.

What you need to do is use your senses individually.

Close down the nose and go for the taste.

If you get it as far as the mouth it actually tastes all right.

And also, I don't have many things that make me feel sophisticated, Ian,

so don't take this away from me, please.

I don't have a gold tooth.

Numbers. I know it's going to be a bit weird

if I take all the numbers out of the world,

but I have struggled with numbers a lot in my life, and we all have.

-Yeah.

-And it is a real problem.

I wish there'd be some way that we could make it a language thing.

So I am going to put numbers into Room - what used to be called - 101.

APPLAUSE

And that brings us to the end of the show.

Well done, Noel, you were the most persuasive guest,

so you are this week's winner.

APPLAUSE

Thanks very much, Noel Fielding, Ian Wright and Joanna Scanlan,

and thank you. Good night.