Episode 6 Room 101

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,

the show where three guests compete to get their pet hates exiled

forever to the dreaded vault.

Let's meet this week's guests.

Joining me tonight are queen of the dance floor Claudia Winkleman,

king of the questions John Humphrys, and joker in the pack Russell Kane.

And so to another instalment of Game Of Moans.

LAUGHTER

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Hey-hey!

It was. It was good. I know it was good.

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

No, don't go too far.

OK. So, what is John's choice?

AUDIENCE WHOOPS

Go, Johnny. Go, Johnny.

-I've lost already, haven't I?

-No.

It's all over. Whooping in audiences.... Shall I leave now?

-No.

-Come on, that was pretty good by the audience. Fair play.

I'll say.

Straight in there.

It's awful. Do you know what?

You're not going to believe this.

It'll shock you to the very core of your being, Frank, my dear fellow.

Gardeners' Question Time on Radio 4. Haloed institution.

-Any of you listen to it?

-Yes.

-Of course you do.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Whoo!

I'm so regretting this.

All the things I could have put in...

Anyway, Gardeners' Question Time, at the end of the programme, somebody

in a Radio 4 audience, the home service of the BBC, went, "Whoo!"

I mean it wasn't a big one.

You know, but it was a... it was a...

It might have been an owl.

-That is... That is hard to...

-It is.

-Yeah.

-It is. And I thought, "That's it. It's all over".

I never get whoops.

Do you ever get whoops, Russell, when you're on stage?

-When you first walk on...

-No, I never get whoops.

A whoop and cheer. That staring, menacing silence.

There's Frank.

For me a good reception is

if they're all generally looking in my direction.

What about a nativity, and your child...

and he's absolutely brilliant.

Is it just not...

Oh, God, no. You don't applaud them at all.

I mean, children have to be brought up to face the real world, and

if you start applauding them, where will it all... They'll expect it.

I think I would have whooped at THE Nativity.

Oh, yeah. God, yeah.

I think that's fair enough. Quite a big event.

And she's a virgin. Amazing.

Whoo!

One of the things I do like is when an audience...when they're

quiet, but they've taken the trouble to write signs, so they can

do it beautifully in silence, but make quite interesting points.

-Are you aware of this phenomenon?

-No.

This is a woman cheering the crowds on in an American marathon.

-That's brilliant.

-That's better than any whoop.

I think that's fantastic.

I went to the London Marathon.

You know people have their names on their back so you can cheer them?

I shouted "Flora" about five times before I worked out...

And this one, incredibly, is at an ice hockey game.

That's quite advanced irony for an American.

That's so funny.

Do you know what I find produces a whoop from a British audience, because of our humour?

It's when something goes wrong.

Like one of the best gigs I've ever had was when I fell off stage,

and as soon as I got back up, everyone was like, "I know it's wrong, because he's crippled

"and he'll never perform again, but that is the funniest thing I've ever seen in my entire life.

"Whoo! His leg's broken".

I've been in what I would like to call show business

for nearly 30 years, but without doubt the biggest cheer

I ever got was when I dropped my full tray in the school dinner hall.

-That's what I'm talking about.

-That's exactly right.

-It was deafening. Deafening.

-When you're on holiday you learn the hard way.

It's not culturally normal to cheer when a glass is dropped.

If you're in Italy, "Whey! Pick it up, you idiot.

"Oh, sorry, mate. Sorry, sorry."

-ITALIAN ACCENT:

-"My glass is destroyed. It makes no sense. Why you cheering?"

Where we come from we cheer at disaster because we're so uptight.

We love it.

Just one clip from America I have to show.

This is how to guarantee an ecstatic response from an audience.

We've all tried to get that, but this, absolutely guaranteed.

-This is Oprah Winfrey, showing how it's done.

-Oh.

Cue the drumroll. All right, open your boxes.

Open your boxes. One, two, three.

ALL SCREAM

You get a car. You get a car.

You get a car. You get a car.

Everybody gets a car.

Everybody gets a car!

Simple as that.

Look at John's face. Horrified.

-Yeah. We're going to try it on Today next week.

-Yeah.

We're certainly not trying it tonight.

LAUGHTER AND BOOING

-That's how to do it.

-It's pretty...

-Yeah. That's class.

-It's pretty special, I must say.

-Yeah.

OK, then. Let's find out what's winding up Russell Kane.

LAUGHTER

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

This genuinely wasn't planned.

This is one thing I would like to put in Room 101,

is men who get grumpier with age.

What?!

Not because I've got any problems with these men,

although it would be nice to be around men in their 50s,

60s and 70s who are happy all the time.

It's just that I think men would be healthier, happier creatures,

if we weren't so miserable. Most men - not all men.

Now and again you do see a happy old man, but it...it's something you stop and point at in the street.

You see like a Norman Wisdom, "Look at that happy old man. It's amazing."

"I don't know. I don't know what the secret is. I've always been like it."

Most men are walking along, going, "What am I like?"

Some men get so miserable they can only laugh, you know, if they

see, I don't know, if they see a car written off on the M25 motorway.

"Look at the state of that Jaguar.

"That'll never run again. Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

We live, men of this country, five to seven years less than women.

-Doesn't happen in every country.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Whoo!

And my theory... It's women cheering! My theory is this.

We think ourselves to death. Yeah?

The less happy you are, the less likely you are to live a long and happy life.

Lonely people die before. Now, we know that on the whole women

tend to be - not always - more emotionally connected than men.

If they've got a problem they get their friends over.

"Hey, I got Claud over. I got Tess over. We talked about the problem.

"There wasn't a solution, but we lit a candle, and do you know? I feel better just for talking about it."

-Whereas men...

-Because that's how it works.

Whereas men will be like, "I have a problem.

"I'm going to hold it inside till it's a diamond then poo it out and die".

Now, the evidence is, in cultures,

like parts of Sicily, Sardinia, Japan, where there

are villages where men can't sort of do that isolation thing,

"I need time on my own", and the houses are full of aunts and grandmas

and daughters, the men's mortality rate equalises with the women.

We are literally, by being grumpy, thinking ourselves to death.

We go, "I'm not going to speak to anyone".

Heart attack, death at 60, leaving behind a generation of women,

relatively young these days, who then have to pretend to grieve.

"How will I survive without the miserable sod? What a disaster."

"How will I go on without Barry mocking my parking? How will I survive?

"You can park forever in the crematorium. Goodbye, Barry."

End of point.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Um, so your theory is that women are happier as they get older.

-Statistically they are.

-Really?

Without getting too macabre and...

-I think women get quite grumpy as they...

-Yes, I would agree with that.

I'm going on the stats.

This is anecdotal evidence,

but I was once in St Mark's Square in Venice, and I'd already been

bitten by a mosquito the previous day, and it had gone... I'd had

a reaction to it and it had swollen into a sort of Scooby-Doo type lump.

And I was sitting in St Mark's Square

and another mosquito came and bit me on the end of the same lump.

And that is the only time I've ever seen my girlfriend truly happy.

She wept. She wept with laughter.

It was like a different person. Her face changed.

So I'm not sure it's generally true about women not getting...

I'm not... I'm saying it's mostly true for our culture.

The other interesting thing about... You know when you try to mediate and try and get in the moment?

A woman can go, "Do you know what? That's over there, that's over there, but I'm here".

Better than a man, who's like, "That's over there. I'm thinking about it.

"I'm going to let it ruin my day, focusing on what's coming tomorrow."

"Come back to the present moment." "I can't. I'm a man. I'm focused on the misery in the future."

That's something else we can work on.

Or you could set about finding a different group of men to associate with.

Well, I'd have to emigrate, unfortunately, to Sardinia.

Yeah, right. Good.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, John is actually offering to sponsor you on that.

It's that kind of hatred that's taking years off your life, John.

Actually, here's an interesting...

This is the idea of using age as a punishment.

There's a barber in America who offers,

if your child has been naughty, as a punishment he will give him

the haircut of a middle-aged man.

-No.

-Honestly. Honestly. Look.

-This kid...

-Fantastic.

..who looks quite a sweet kid. He was a bit naughty.

His mum took him in for this.

LAUGHTER

No.

It's absolutely true.

That is fantastic.

Is that true? He just didn't go bald overnight or something?

Absolutely true.

And let's have a look at Claudia's choice.

Yeah. I know. I don't like summer.

I don't like what it does to people.

Like, normal people, suddenly it gets a tiny bit sunny, "Ooh!"

Out comes some paisley, weird maxi-dress.

People's toes... I don't approve of flip-flops.

I don't like the communal joy, really.

I don't like a picnic.

I don't like the fact that it's even a bit warm, and they're lying out.

"Come on." I don't like the clothes.

I like wearing a high-neck,

heather-grey coat with a knee-length boot.

I like marching through a bit of rain.

I like spring. I like autumn.

I think summer is a nonsense.

FAINT APPLAUSE

Two people applauded.

You must like flying ant day.

One day there's no flying ants, and then they're just everywhere.

-Yeah.

-I mean, it's incredible.

I'm not saying it has to be freezing cold all the time.

I don't mind an open-neck...

Like, if you want to wear a short-sleeve T-shirt, I'm not

going to argue with you, in May, but then suddenly it's August.

People are wearing a cropped top, and it's all the happiness,

the picnics.

I don't like it.

Is it the happiness that really gets you? People looking happy.

John's warming to this one.

I've got him.

I like a bit of shade, but I never understand.

If you go abroad, often people will carry an umbrella if it's a hot day.

It's very sensible, but there's something about

in Britain people think, "No, that's for rain.

"I'm not using that". I tell you what I take.

If it's a really bright day, this is what I use for shade.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I need one of those.

That would get me through the summer.

Oh, this is so... I'm so cool now under here.

Absolutely lovely.

What about... Would you wear this on the beach?

Oh! No! That's so wrong.

-He's so wrong as well.

-That is so tacky.

I can't believe he's wearing a marijuana necklace.

Well, I know you're a boots lady.

Yeah.

These are.... Now, you can send away

your cowboy boots to a place in America,

and they turn them into summer-wear.

That's the best thing I've ever seen.

There you go. I don't know.

I've gone a bit Tales Of Beatrix Potter as I demonstrate.

You look like you're about to Riverdance.

Yeah. They really let the air...

-Breezy.

-Yeah.

Hello.

Crippling me.

-They're amazing.

-Yes. See, am I winning you over?

No.

Anyway. Summer. I must admit, I know what you mean.

I know what you mean about summer.

I don't like...you know that sweat... Well, you wouldn't.

I hate it.

I also... I enjoy grumpiness in old men so much,

I don't know why they haven't made a TV show about it.

There's something lovely about miserable people.

You have to have that mix of light and dark.

No-one loves applause more than I do.

I spend my whole life more or less begging for it.

But whooping, I have to say, I think it's gone too far.

It's fine in America, but here it just feels wrong.

So I am going to put whooping audiences into Room 101.

AUDIENCE WHOOPS AND APPLAUDS

Righty-o. And so we move on.

Let's see what Russell has got up his sleeve.

Yeah. Fussy eaters. That's what I want to put in.

One of the sentences I hate most in the world is,

"I don't like it." Particularly if you go, "Have you tried it?"

"No, I just know I won't like it."

It really annoys me.

We are privileged to live in a wealthy country.

We're lucky to have food.

Fussy eating is not a natural state of affairs. No, it isn't.

"When I was little my mum tried giving me spinach,

"but I would eject it out and I would only eat potato waffles."

It's a lot of nonsense.

I was brought up with a method that will lead to people being unfussy.

My mum did this technique. "There's your dinner. Brussels sprouts. Nice balanced meal. Bit of mince."

"Right, I'm not eating it. Don't like sprouts."

"OK. You can go and play." There was no punishment.

There was no dessert.

Next day, "I'm still not eating it". OK, no punishment.

By day three you're starting to get a little bit peckish, yeah?

By day four, "Where are those Brussels sprouts, Mama?

"They look tasty", because you can feel your ribs.

What it's called is - you get what you're given. Right?

And you learn to be unfussy.

Funny how it doesn't crop up in countries that don't have enough food.

"I cannot eat the goat meat. I want a potato waffle."

We're lucky to be where we are.

Fussy eaters need to go in Room 101. I rest my case.

Yeah.

My problem is with sweets. That's the one that gets me,

because you'd think with sweets everyone is happy.

You offer someone sweets, say if they're,

like, Fruit Gums, Fruit Pastilles, and if there's a green one or

a yellow one on the top of the tube, they'll say, "Oh, I'll wait."

I think it's such a strong argument, because it has to stop.

It really has to stop.

How do you feel about allergies? People who can't eat wheat, gluten...

Allergies is completely different.

Obviously if you can't physically eat something that's

completely different. I'm talking about, "I don't like spinach."

They're the same kids that don't sit in a high chair in a restaurant as well.

"We tried, but it was like his back was reacting, so we've released

"him into the restaurant to spoil everyone else's dining experience."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm going to have to put myself in this category,

because I will eat... I like to think of myself as a man

who'll eat anything, but I have... there is one limitation.

Something that I just - I won't take on.

It's the... It's that little end nodule.

I can't.

No parent could have forced me to eat that.

Anyway, what's Claudia's choice?

-Skiing.

-Wow.

Yeah. Oh, come on. We had a deal.

You were going to be on my side.

I only went once, but here's the thing.

You have to wake up early.

You put on genuinely the most disgusting clothes you've

ever seen in your life.

Padded, multicoloured - this one's got a picture of a rat on it.

This has got stripes and circles. Anyway, salopettes.

Then you have to put on these massive things,

which we shouldn't be wearing.

Huge metal things that you can't walk in.

Then you go on the ski lift.

That alone is terrifying.

I was just like this, holding on.

Went round it for seven days. No, come on.

Then you physically exert yourself.

Why would anybody ever do that? You go down.

It's incredibly dangerous. Slushy.

Then you have to take it off.

At the end there's some sort of revolting alcohol that makes

people, you know, throw up in their boots.

I don't understand skiing. Why does anybody go skiing?

It's a gazillion pounds. You smell of cheese.

I mean, I admit, I do associate it with the super-cool

and the super-beautiful, and that's why I sort of like it,

because I like the idea of them putting themselves in grave danger.

But I've never been.

It's always seemed like something that other people do, I must admit.

-It's ridiculous.

-Yeah.

And it's all lip-gloss. They've all got lip-gloss on.

-Straight mouth, and...

-SHE MUTTERS

Nobody spends any time with their kids.

"In you go. In you go, Lucifer. In you go.

"In you go. Good luck. Don't break anything.

"Mummy's going up.

"I'll bring him up. Feed him.

"Feed him. I'll bring him up later."

It's for tools.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Actually, I've got a lovely photo of a man,

my favourite photo ever of a man on a ski lift.

Look at this poor chap. This is genuine.

He slipped in such a way that it ripped down his trousers.

Oh, my God.

Wait for it. Wait for it.

He was there for 15 minutes.

His private parts got so cold they started to operate as wind chimes.

Can I say, he was safe, by the way?

He was OK, so it's all right to laugh.

What about these guys braving the cold weather?

What's incredible about that is they all needed

a plaster in exactly the same place.

So, John, what have you got?

What?!

AUDIENCE GROANS

SOLITARY APPLAUSE

SOLITARY WHOOP

Ooh, you've split the crowd.

All professional sport. Not all sport.

-No.

-No. All professional sport.

Take yourself back, Frank, to the old days

when you were no but a lad, and your local football team -

you have one called, I think, West Ham United.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Whoo!

West Bromwich...

..Bromwich Albion.

LAUGHTER

There's a difference?

Can I tell you, you are not going to win this round?

West Ham, West Brom, they're all the same, aren't they?

AUDIENCE GROANS

They each consist of 11, 15, however, men...

..in a manner of speaking, grossly overpaid, sitting around waiting for

a foreign club to pay them a vast, unimaginable amount of money, so

that they can desert the team that has nurtured them over the years.

Yeah?

This is less true of West Bromwich Albion.

Only, Frank, because it's a rubbish team that hasn't got enough money.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-Well, you...

-Now, here's...

You can't condemn the money and then say we're rubbish because we don't have enough.

-Here's the point, Frank.

-Go on.

If some sort of Saudi Arabian oligarch, for instance, just

to think of the sort of person we're all genuinely sympathetic towards,

instinctively, with many billions to spare, decided it was going to...

he was going to buy West Bram, or West Bomb, or whatever it's called,

and said he's going to put £500 billion into it, all of a sudden,

within a year, you'd be the best team in the world,

because of the money.

All of a sudden, gone, finished, pride in your community is all over.

Pride in the players is all over,

because that bloke who's struggling desperately to take his two little

boys to the game can't afford it, obviously, but he's damned if he's

going to let them miss it, knowing that his week's wages has gone

to pay about 30 seconds of the wages of that overpaid tos... that overpaid...

..gentleman on the pitch, who is failing to put the ball in the net.

APPLAUSE

Well... I'm still savouring the idea of that big rich Arab coming

and buying the club.

I agree it's getting very, very expensive.

I mean, the amount of money now it costs for a country to

buy the World Cup...

-..is outrageous.

-Yeah.

I know what you mean, though, about amateur sport.

There is something about it which is more down to earth.

Take this rodeo, for example.

So, anyway... Well, look, this won't take long. I'm not putting all professional sport in.

What am I going to do with my time?

And fussy eaters, I know what you mean.

But skiing, it's in!

Yes.

APPLAUSE

Right, we've just got time to hear a bonus choice,

so let's see what Claudia has gone for.

Foreheads.

Well, now I feel bad, because you have...you know,

you're all... you're all sporting foreheads.

My head looks something like a light bulb.

It looks like my neck has had a really good idea.

No, look, it's adorable.

Yours is adorable, but the others need to go.

Well, I haven't seen my forehead since '86.

No-one has.

I don't know what's up there. Squirrels. Um, Lego.

I don't... I don't know.

Can we look?

We were hoping you had a small string at the side that you pull.

-I don't think you want to see.

-I do, badly.

Is it the same colour as the rest of your face?

No.

Pale forehead. Put it down, put it down.

That's an interesting take, Russell.

Um...

She was about to show us. Do we want to see?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

-Come on.

-Are you ready?

-I am ready, yeah. More than ready.

You're going to need to hold hands for this.

Argh!

I mean, that's disgusting. Let's pretend that never happened.

It just feels like a large...

like, already that is making me very nervous.

If you put a fringe on this human,

suddenly I want to go out with him, I want to share chicken.

Let's get married.

I don't like the... Just, there's a veiny, big arena of skin,

like, open skin, and soon my fringe will just sweep...

I would like to part it in order to speak, and then release.

So, yeah, I don't like a forehead.

But if men had fringes like that, especially men of...ahem.

How can I put this? A certain age, um...cover the wrinkles.

It would be good. Cover their wrinkles, make them more...

-Let's try it.

-Oh, wow!

Yes.

What do you think?

That's what I'm saying.

I couldn't... I couldn't...

What's it worth? Can I...?

Are you sure that's a head wig?

Well, if it isn't, it fits perfectly.

Oh, man.

We have a picture of you on the town with your fringe, as it were.

I'm never on the town.

Well, it's at the GQ awards, which I'd say... Look at that.

LAUGHTER

Never looked better, right? Never looked better.

I tell you what, it looks like when someone doesn't quite

get into the lift before the doors close.

That's the face you see.

I stand by that that is better than a forehead,

and that's why it should go into Room 101.

Well, hey, it doesn't matter what I think.

It's your bonus choice, Claudia, and it goes straight into Room 101.

APPLAUSE

And that brings us to the end of the show.

Well done, Claudia, you were the most persuasive guest,

so you are tonight's winner.

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much, Russell Kane, John Humphrys

and Claudia Winkleman, and thank you.

Goodnight.