Episode 5 Room 101


Episode 5

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,

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the show where three guests compete to cast their biggest gripes

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deep into the gloomy vault.

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They'll have to argue their case well, because in each round

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only one item can be chosen - the final decision is mine.

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Let's meet this week's guests.

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Joining me tonight are Happy Mondays' Shaun Ryder,

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took her for a drink on Tuesday Meera Syal,

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and we were making love by Wednesday Sam Simmons.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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All right, then. So, may the best moan win.

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BELL DINGS

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OK. So, what is Shaun's choice?

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-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Meeting new people.

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Do you know what, Frank? It's not even new people, it's people.

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It's anyone, even my family.

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Even my best mates, my next-door neighbours, people in Tesco.

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Anyone. Can do without it.

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I could live on an island really easily, on my own.

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-Wow.

-Just with a television to argue with.

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But you must meet loads of new...

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I mean, tonight, I'd never met you before.

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-I don't know if you guys...

-No, we have met before.

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-Have we?

-Yeah.

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That's how interesting it was.

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, I forgot that, Shaun. Sorry.

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Because I was quite excited about meeting you tonight.

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-Was I drinking at the time?

-Er... Can't remember. I was.

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Was it you, or Trevor McDonald? Can't remember.

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Didn't recognise me without the spectacles.

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-Do you drink now?

-Not really. Not any more.

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I sort of went out when I was 20, didn't come home till I was 40,

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and then stopped drinking, and never really spoke to anyone since.

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-MAN IN AUDIENCE:

-Legend!

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-What was that?

-He's a legend!

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You're a legend, apparently.

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Well, he loves you...

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but you wouldn't want to meet him, am I right?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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How are you with fans? Because obviously, you...

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Well, that's part of the job.

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You just go, "All right, mate? Yeah, nice one,"

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and then sign something, have a selfie and move on.

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You don't have to have a huge conversation with them, do you?

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-No.

-If they do, just... "See you."

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Yeah.

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We have a clip.

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Do you know who Liam Payne is? He's in One Direction.

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Oh, right. OK.

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This was shot on a fan's phone,

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and it's this thing where he smiles for the pictures,

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but it's the way the smile disappears, is dramatic.

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Yeah, most people in television are like that...

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-Yes...

-..Frank.

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On the thing of people with their fans, this is Olly Murs.

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Do you know, I remember doing that once - signing someone's breast -

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and the woman said to me, "It's not for me, it's for my dad."

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LAUGHTER

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I'll never know if it was a joke or not.

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-I hope so.

-Hope so.

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I've been watching for it on Jeremy Kyle ever since.

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How is this going to carry on, Shaun?

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You don't want to be lonely in later life.

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I'm not lonely. I love myself.

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I love my own company, and my shrink. Talk to him.

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-OK.

-That's all I need.

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Television to shout at, psychiatrist and me.

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Let's role-play. Let's say we've just met. You ready?

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-Hey, Shaun.

-All right, mate.

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You, er...

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..up to much?

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Not really.

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See you.

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Now, that's how I like it.

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People who turn on now will think it's Coronation Street.

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I must admit, I can sympathise.

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I've started to get a bit like that as I've got older.

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-Maybe it's a sort of grumpy old man...

-Yeah.

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-Do you have a smartphone?

-Yeah.

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-See, I don't even like... You know Siri?

-Yeah.

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You know that voice that comes on?

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And it says, "Hello, Frank," and I always think, "You don't know me."

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I like her. I've had a lot of chats with Siri.

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Did you say "her"?

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-Siri is a girl.

-Oh, no, I've got the male Siri.

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I've got a female Siri.

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Oh, no, I couldn't have a female Siri.

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-Don't think that would work.

-Oh, right.

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I'd be saying, "Where's the nearest Chinese restaurant?"

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She'd say, "What, you're going out again?!"

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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The master of this is the Queen, isn't it?

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Imagine being the Queen, who meets, like, 30,000 new people every year.

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Here she is, meeting people.

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It's me!

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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I know, my hair... I was going through a midlife crisis.

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-That is you?

-Wow.

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Yes. Those gloves were white before she shook hands with me.

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Oh, look, and there's Mike Baldwin in the background.

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Yeah, Mike Baldwin. Well spotted.

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There, you have someone from Salford.

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The Queen... The QUEEN is at the front and he's saying,

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"Oh, there's Mike Baldwin, look."

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OK. So what is Meera's choice?

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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They like that.

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It drives me nuts.

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I was sitting behind a couple of young people -

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I suppose my definition would be anybody under 25 -

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and the conversation went something like,

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"So I was, like, no, and he was, like, yeah, and I was, like,

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"whatever, and I was, like, no, and he was, like, yeah."

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I'm sat there thinking,

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I don't actually know what any of that was about.

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There wasn't any nouns in it.

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Wasn't any verbs in it, I don't think.

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It's become this all-purpose filler word which means nothing.

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It's robbing us of all our descriptive uses of this beautiful language, which it is,

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and it makes people sound really thick, when they're not.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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You've got the crowd on your side.

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It's a sort of cue for acting, isn't it?

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It's sort of saying, "I'm about to...

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"So, yeah, so she told me, and I was, like..."

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So it's a bit of a... They're saying,

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"I can't exactly represent what I did, but I was LIKE this..."

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So I think you could say they're

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trying to make the scene that they're describing more vivid.

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-How does that sound?

-Except, most people are very bad actors.

-Yes.

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-So that doesn't really work.

-Most actors, even.

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Indeed. I absolutely agree.

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So, let's hear an example of this phenomenon.

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This is a young woman in a car

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talking to a sort of boyfriend/friend.

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Yeah, so, like, I was never, like, really too, like,

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concerned with, like, you know, dating you.

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I was just, like, you know, we're friends, whatever,

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like, whatever happens, happens, and, like, I obviously have, like,

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strong feelings for you as my, like, best friend.

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Like, I definitely, like, want to, like, try it out,

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like, you know, see, like, how it can go, cos, like,

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if we can make a relationship happen, like, that would be awesome.

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I'm sure that cleared the air. Good communication going on.

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Well, yeah.

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He's just thinking, "Like, I want to get in your kecks, like.

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"I'm not really bothered what you're saying."

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I bet you he's not thinking "kecks".

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But that thing about comparison -

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in football commentary they'll say this thing, like,

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"Of course England up front, they've got people like Wayne Rooney,

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"and, er, people like Raheem Sterling,"

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and I thought, they haven't got people LIKE them.

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-That's them!

-Yeah.

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You would never use that in any other context.

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You'd say, you know,

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"I've been on a couple of holidays with people like my wife."

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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OK. Let's have a look at Sam's choice.

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Holding hands.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Aww...

-What?

-Oh...

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No, I'll give you an example. I'll give you an example, OK?

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No, wait, wait. Just wait. This is good. OK.

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The example is, you know when you're walking down a very narrow footpath

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and you see a loved-up couple walking towards you holding hands?

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Now, a decision has to be made as to who is going to stand

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in the gutter of despair and loneliness, OK?

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Why should I be standing in the gutter of despair and loneliness

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whilst you're walking past me with your bloody love? Yeah?

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And if I was a single man of one, you look at them

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and you're thinking, you know what?

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They've got a double disposable income,

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so they're making more money than me as well.

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My wife has just gone back to Australia.

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I went to Tesco the other day to buy myself

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all the ingredients for Amatriciana pasta. Cost me £42.

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You could at least give me a little bit of concrete!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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No?

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The only thing about holding hands for me is,

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if you're a little boy and you need to cross a street, you hold hands.

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If you're a little old lady, you need help across the street, you hold hands.

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So you do it on the way in and you do it on the way out.

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It's interesting you say that,

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because I used to hold hands with my partner quite regularly,

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and I've noticed since I've gone grey, we don't hold hands any more.

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Because it does, it looks like I'm being helped.

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See, I love seeing an older couple holding hands.

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There's nothing sweeter than this little old grey-haired couple sort of tottering...

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Yeah, they're on their way out. It's fine.

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One of my pet hates is,

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sometimes you'll see a couple holding hands across a table...

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-No.

-..like that. Sitting, just looking at each other.

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That, I struggle with.

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Unless you're both on the back legs of your chair

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and leaning right back and doing that...

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I have a picture of a couple.

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This is not exactly holding hands,

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but it's a kind of intimacy, which I find strangely rewarding.

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That's usually me, but with my hands down my own kecks.

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To be fair, that's actually a ventriloquist act

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I worked with in the '80s.

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This is a couple that were buried 700 years ago,

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and they found the skeletons of this couple, and they were holding hands.

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The interesting thing is, the woman is yawning.

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But, yeah, they were holding hands.

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-There's something beautiful about that, Sam, is there not?

-Yeah.

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That? There's nothing beautiful about that at all. Look at it!

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The idea of continuing love, is what I meant.

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OK. No.

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I'll tell you what. I have a three-year-old now, and now,

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instead of holding hands with my girlfriend, he's in the middle.

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So, we hold hands with...

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you know, I hold one of his hands and she holds the other hand.

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And that is just the sort of distance you need

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when you've been in a long-term relationship.

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A bit of space.

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But something that's never mentioned is that single parents,

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that swinging thing you do with kids...

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How are you going to do that?

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If you're a single parent - I've seen single parents falling over

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trying to do them between their legs.

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And I came up with a gadget.

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It's a shopping trolley for single parents.

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APPLAUSE

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My kids won't hold hands with me.

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No. They just run off.

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How old are they?

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Er, the ones at home are six and seven.

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-And they won't hold your hand?

-No.

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Too busy running in and out of the road.

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OK. So, I don't think I can put holding hands in, Sam.

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-OK.

-I mean, it can make me nauseous,

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especially when they won't separate, as you say,

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and you have to go round.

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But in the early days of a relationship,

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-it can be a very lovely thing.

-OK.

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Meeting new people, I'm very tempted by this one.

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-Go on, stick it in.

-But, um ...

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That's what I used to say when I met new people, in the old days.

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But people who overuse the word "like" -

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at first I wasn't certain, but then the people have spoken.

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You got such a response when you said that.

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-Clearly, there is a...

-There's a movement.

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Yeah, there is. There's a bubbling under.

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So, I am going to put people who overuse the word "like"

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-into Room 101.

-Well done.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Well done, Meera.

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OK.

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BELL DINGS

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So, off we go. Let's see what's winding up Meera.

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-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Oh, good.

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You're on a roll. Tell me more.

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These are makeover programmes.

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It's usually a woman, and they take her away

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and they transform her into the swan that she apparently wants to be.

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-Yes.

-And we're not talking about a little nip and tuck here.

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This is extreme - months of surgery, facial reconstruction,

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getting all your teeth taken out and put back in...

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-Had that done.

-..extreme dieting.

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And at the end of it, these women, that had issues of all kinds,

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come out at the end apparently happier,

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but looking basically like '70s porn stars.

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Well, let's not knock that.

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-I mean, The Swan is the classic example of this.

-Right.

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We've got a bit of a before-and-after thing.

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This is Christina before she went on The Swan.

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OK? And this is Christina after.

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-Wow.

-You say, "Wow,"

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but hasn't she taken her glasses off...

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LAUGHTER

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..and then let her hair down?

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That's basically what's occurred there, hasn't it?

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I'm going to do a makeover show called Here's A Comb, Now Get Out.

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My issue with these programmes is that actually, not only...

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Firstly, it's a standard

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and a vision of what women should look like,

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which just isn't anywhere near achievable

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without loads and loads of money and intense grooming,

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which most people can't achieve.

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So, are you saying that unless you look like this idealised version,

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we're all ugly and we're never going to have a happy life?

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And the other issue is that for a lot of these women,

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they don't actually need the surgery.

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What most of them need is a therapist,

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because all the issues they've got

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are actually much more about their self-esteem than the nose job.

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APPLAUSE

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I had Botox. I went to the dentist...

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-Oh, did you?

-..to get some nerves sorted out,

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and while I was there I went, "Give me some of that Botox."

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So, he did. Stuck a load of pins in me.

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I went home, no-one could tell the sodding difference!

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Well, you've never been a man who was afraid of experimentation.

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You, if you don't mind me saying, your teeth weren't...

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They weren't so good as they are now.

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Well, it was fantastic at one time,

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then about ten years ago, they all fell out, so I got some new ones.

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We've got a shot of your old teeth.

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-Oh, yeah.

-Just for old time's sake.

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-Yeah.

-They look better now, I must say.

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-Well, they will do.

-Yeah.

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I'd like to know how it felt, because I went... I've got...

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-I was heavily sedated, Frank.

-Yes.

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But that's enough about the '90s.

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I just worry you might...

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Because those teeth that you had before

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were sort of part of the Shaun Ryder character.

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Well, they only were there for, like, you know...

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I made sure I got them done pretty quick.

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They sort of literally fell out overnight,

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after spending a while in Australia.

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Yeah. Do you think it was being upside down?

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It was either that or the crystal meth.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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One thing you've never heard said about crystal meth

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is that it's bad for your teeth.

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What about this guy?

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This guy, he had the pec implants and he had the muscles done,

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and I think he looks fantastic.

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MEERA GASPS, AUDIENCE GROANS

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No!

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-Oh...

-Wow.

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But what's that thing up there? What are they?

0:18:410:18:43

I think that's the cigarettes he got at duty free.

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If he went through customs, you'd be very, very suspicious.

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It actually looks like

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someone has put Homer Simpson's face on his torso.

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I don't know if you've seen this.

0:19:050:19:07

You don't have to go to the surgeon to get more youthful.

0:19:070:19:10

This is a Japanese face-slimming exercise mouthpiece.

0:19:100:19:15

-What?

-And...

0:19:150:19:17

I'm glad you told us what it was,

0:19:170:19:19

because my mind was going through all kinds of...

0:19:190:19:21

Well, it is tonight!

0:19:210:19:22

What you have to do, it fights wrinkles around your eyes

0:19:250:19:28

and helps shape the overall look of your face.

0:19:280:19:31

And so, it keeps you more youthful and vibrant,

0:19:310:19:34

and when you do it, you're supposed to make vowel sounds.

0:19:340:19:37

That's the idea. So you put it in.

0:19:370:19:39

Ah, ah, ah, eh, eh, eh, ah, ah,

0:19:430:19:47

ah, oh, oh, oh, oh...

0:19:470:19:50

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:19:500:19:53

OK. What's Sam's choice?

0:19:550:19:57

I've got no time for boisterous whistling whatsoever. OK?

0:20:030:20:07

If you're boisterously whistling, it sounds like you're hiding a secret.

0:20:070:20:11

It's kind of sinister. Do you know what I mean?

0:20:110:20:13

You know who holds secrets? The milkman.

0:20:130:20:15

What does the milkman do? He whistles. He's got secrets.

0:20:150:20:18

What whistles? Kettles whistle,

0:20:180:20:20

birds whistle, cartoon dwarfs...

0:20:200:20:23

What else whistles?

0:20:230:20:25

Overconfident men and the Dutch. The Dutch love a whistle.

0:20:250:20:29

-Do they?

-They do. They whistle all the time.

0:20:290:20:32

You've been over there quite a bit, I can imagine.

0:20:320:20:34

They whistle a lot, and it's always a non-descript tune as well, like...

0:20:340:20:38

HE WHISTLES TUNELESSLY

0:20:380:20:41

It's not even any song.

0:20:420:20:43

It's just really annoying whistling on their weird bikes.

0:20:430:20:46

That's why joined the Nazis.

0:20:460:20:48

They weren't concentrating, because they were whistling.

0:20:480:20:52

I've just got no time for it.

0:20:520:20:53

I don't know whether something weird happened to me as a young boy

0:20:530:20:56

with a loud whistle, but there's just something about it.

0:20:560:20:58

Can anyone do a big man whistle in here?

0:20:580:21:00

It always really intimidates me.

0:21:000:21:02

-BIG WHISTLE

-There you go.

-Whoa!

0:21:020:21:05

-WHISTLING CONTINUES

-All right, that's enough.

0:21:050:21:07

No, that's actually R2-D2 drunk.

0:21:070:21:09

-Can you do it, Shaun?

-Me? No.

0:21:110:21:14

Don't want you to blow your teeth out.

0:21:140:21:16

I remember people on talent shows whistling. Wasn't that a thing?

0:21:180:21:21

-Yes! Do you remember Ronnie Ronalde?

-Was that him?

0:21:210:21:23

-What was he, a champion whistler?

-He was a stage whistler.

0:21:230:21:26

I was so impressed by him I used to buy Ronnie Ronalde records

0:21:260:21:30

and I used to... You know people play air guitar?

0:21:300:21:32

I used to do air whistling.

0:21:320:21:34

Look, I'll give you a...

0:21:350:21:37

WHISTLING RECORD PLAYS

0:21:370:21:41

That was him.

0:21:490:21:51

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:21:510:21:54

-One of the problems with it is you have to do that.

-Mmm.

0:21:570:22:00

Which looks a bit rubbish, but there is a way round this.

0:22:000:22:04

This is a guy from the '80s.

0:22:040:22:07

He was on a show called Kelly and Company,

0:22:070:22:09

and he kind of developed his own whistling style.

0:22:090:22:12

-This is remarkable.

-Is this a whistling anus?

0:22:120:22:15

No!

0:22:150:22:17

WHISTLING

0:22:260:22:29

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:22:460:22:49

Right. Well, I know Shaun has been looking forward to this one.

0:22:500:22:53

Oh, yeah!

0:22:530:22:54

Well, I'm definitely not going to win this, am I?

0:22:540:22:57

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:22:590:23:02

Football talk...

0:23:050:23:07

and all the fools that write songs about it.

0:23:070:23:11

LAUGHTER

0:23:110:23:13

What don't you like about football talk?

0:23:150:23:17

Oh, come on! It's broken biscuits. It's gaga.

0:23:170:23:20

It's just... It's just... It doesn't even make sense.

0:23:200:23:23

"Down the middle, down the middle, Rooney." What? Oh.

0:23:230:23:28

"Van Gaal, Van Gaal, bluh, bluh!"

0:23:280:23:31

"Did you watch the game?" "I listened to it. Listened to it.

0:23:310:23:34

"They went down. They scored, they scored, they scored,

0:23:340:23:36

"and I turned it off." It's just...

0:23:360:23:39

No, don't.

0:23:390:23:42

Do you know what? I walk away from them.

0:23:420:23:44

I walk away from anything like that. I got in the taxi, right, in Camden.

0:23:440:23:47

I jumped in. The geezer goes,

0:23:470:23:50

"So, where are we?"

0:23:500:23:52

I went, "Where are we? You're a taxi driver! In Camden!"

0:23:520:23:54

He went, "No, in the league, in the league! Come on, you reds!"

0:23:540:23:58

How the bleeding hell should I know? Do I look like a football fan?

0:23:580:24:01

Well, hold on a minute... LAUGHTER

0:24:020:24:05

Why don't we talk about science-fiction movies or something,

0:24:060:24:10

or Clint Eastwood films, you know?

0:24:100:24:12

-Mmm.

-Something right-on.

0:24:120:24:14

I must admit, I talk about both of those as well.

0:24:160:24:19

-And you write songs about it.

-Yeah, yeah. I know.

0:24:190:24:22

You never shut up about it, Frank.

0:24:220:24:24

All right!

0:24:240:24:26

You're going on a bit yourself!

0:24:260:24:27

When my son was born, my girlfriend went into labour,

0:24:290:24:33

I had to drive her across town at, like, three o'clock in the morning.

0:24:330:24:36

Her waters had broke and stuff, and she was in the car going,

0:24:360:24:40

"Argh! Argh!" Like, really...

0:24:400:24:42

And we got into the hospital, and we went into a lift,

0:24:420:24:46

and she was on the floor, I mean, "Argh!"

0:24:460:24:50

And this porter got in the lift. She's there screaming, and he said,

0:24:500:24:53

"So, what do you think about the new England manager?"

0:24:530:24:56

-LAUGHTER

-Yeah.

0:24:560:24:58

And the thing was, I had some really good opinions.

0:24:580:25:03

I really wanted to talk about it,

0:25:030:25:05

but I thought, "Maybe this is a mistake."

0:25:050:25:08

So I do know what you mean.

0:25:080:25:10

I think you might like this clip.

0:25:120:25:14

This is non-league football.

0:25:140:25:16

This is Wealdstone versus White Hawks, and this is a guy -

0:25:160:25:20

he's become slightly legendary - known as the Wealdstone Raider.

0:25:200:25:25

-Right.

-Do you know him?

0:25:250:25:27

-Yeah.

-I think this is the sort of thing that might draw you...

0:25:270:25:30

-Has he got a baseball bat with him?

-..draw you into it. He may have.

0:25:300:25:35

Have a look at this.

0:25:350:25:37

You've got no fans. You've got no ground.

0:25:370:25:40

The Hawks are playing well, I'm telling you.

0:25:400:25:43

-You want some?

-Eh?

0:25:430:25:44

-You want some?

-Well, the Hawks are playing well.

0:25:440:25:47

You want some, or what?

0:25:470:25:48

They're fantastic. They're fantastic.

0:25:480:25:51

If you want some, I'll give it you.

0:25:510:25:53

Now, I would talk to him.

0:25:570:25:59

You lived in Australia for a little bit. You were in Perth.

0:26:010:26:04

Did you check out any Australian rules football?

0:26:040:26:06

-No.

-Because that vernacular is fun.

0:26:060:26:07

-No, I went and got off my face with the Aborigines.

-Did you?

0:26:070:26:11

-Did you really?

-Yeah, for about six months.

0:26:110:26:14

-With the Aborigines? Whereabouts?

-Everywhere.

-Wow.

0:26:140:26:17

That's how he lost his teeth - boomerang.

0:26:190:26:21

I was watching Sky Soccer Saturday,

0:26:240:26:28

and one of my favourite reporters is ex-manager Chris Kamara.

0:26:280:26:32

And I love him and he's brilliant, but sometimes you think,

0:26:320:26:35

"Maybe I could do that."

0:26:350:26:37

Unbelievable, Jeff!

0:26:390:26:40

We've just seen a marvellous, fantastic goal, a brilliant goal,

0:26:400:26:44

a wonderful overhead kick goal that has put them in front.

0:26:440:26:48

The only problem is, because I'm at the far end of the ground,

0:26:480:26:51

I don't know who scored it.

0:26:510:26:53

I think, Jeff, it was...

0:26:530:26:56

Well, I don't know, to be fair.

0:26:560:26:58

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:26:580:27:01

OK. I sense I haven't won Shaun over on this one.

0:27:050:27:10

Right. Well, um...

0:27:100:27:13

Boisterous whistling?

0:27:140:27:17

I'm sorry, Sam. I like whistling.

0:27:170:27:20

It's got a sort of traditional thing from a world that's nearly gone.

0:27:200:27:23

And extreme makeover shows, although they are entertaining,

0:27:230:27:28

I hate myself for even watching these programmes.

0:27:280:27:32

And although I absolutely love football talk,

0:27:320:27:35

I do sympathise with you.

0:27:350:27:37

The amount of people who come up to me

0:27:370:27:40

and tell me what's wrong with West Bromwich Albion,

0:27:400:27:42

based on 34 seconds on Match Of The Day, it is annoying.

0:27:420:27:47

So I think you've got a point.

0:27:470:27:49

I know this sounds incredible,

0:27:490:27:50

but I am going to put football talk into Room 101.

0:27:500:27:53

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:530:27:57

What have I done?

0:28:060:28:07

And that brings us to the end of the show.

0:28:070:28:10

Well done, Meera - you were the most persuasive guest,

0:28:100:28:12

-so you are this week's winner.

-Thank you.

0:28:120:28:15

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:150:28:18

Thanks very much to Sam Simmons, Meera Syal and Shaun Ryder,

0:28:190:28:23

and thank you, goodnight!

0:28:230:28:25

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