Episode 5 Room 101

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,

the show where three guests compete to cast their biggest gripes

deep into the gloomy vault.

They'll have to argue their case well, because in each round

only one item can be chosen - the final decision is mine.

Let's meet this week's guests.

Joining me tonight are Happy Mondays' Shaun Ryder,

took her for a drink on Tuesday Meera Syal,

and we were making love by Wednesday Sam Simmons.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

All right, then. So, may the best moan win.

BELL DINGS

OK. So, what is Shaun's choice?

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Meeting new people.

Do you know what, Frank? It's not even new people, it's people.

It's anyone, even my family.

Even my best mates, my next-door neighbours, people in Tesco.

Anyone. Can do without it.

I could live on an island really easily, on my own.

-Wow.

-Just with a television to argue with.

But you must meet loads of new...

I mean, tonight, I'd never met you before.

-I don't know if you guys...

-No, we have met before.

-Have we?

-Yeah.

That's how interesting it was.

LAUGHTER

Oh, I forgot that, Shaun. Sorry.

Because I was quite excited about meeting you tonight.

-Was I drinking at the time?

-Er... Can't remember. I was.

Was it you, or Trevor McDonald? Can't remember.

Didn't recognise me without the spectacles.

-Do you drink now?

-Not really. Not any more.

I sort of went out when I was 20, didn't come home till I was 40,

and then stopped drinking, and never really spoke to anyone since.

-MAN IN AUDIENCE:

-Legend!

-What was that?

-He's a legend!

You're a legend, apparently.

Well, he loves you...

but you wouldn't want to meet him, am I right?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

How are you with fans? Because obviously, you...

Well, that's part of the job.

You just go, "All right, mate? Yeah, nice one,"

and then sign something, have a selfie and move on.

You don't have to have a huge conversation with them, do you?

-No.

-If they do, just... "See you."

Yeah.

We have a clip.

Do you know who Liam Payne is? He's in One Direction.

Oh, right. OK.

This was shot on a fan's phone,

and it's this thing where he smiles for the pictures,

but it's the way the smile disappears, is dramatic.

Yeah, most people in television are like that...

-Yes...

-..Frank.

On the thing of people with their fans, this is Olly Murs.

Do you know, I remember doing that once - signing someone's breast -

and the woman said to me, "It's not for me, it's for my dad."

LAUGHTER

I'll never know if it was a joke or not.

-I hope so.

-Hope so.

I've been watching for it on Jeremy Kyle ever since.

How is this going to carry on, Shaun?

You don't want to be lonely in later life.

I'm not lonely. I love myself.

I love my own company, and my shrink. Talk to him.

-OK.

-That's all I need.

Television to shout at, psychiatrist and me.

Let's role-play. Let's say we've just met. You ready?

-Hey, Shaun.

-All right, mate.

You, er...

..up to much?

Not really.

See you.

Now, that's how I like it.

People who turn on now will think it's Coronation Street.

I must admit, I can sympathise.

I've started to get a bit like that as I've got older.

-Maybe it's a sort of grumpy old man...

-Yeah.

-Do you have a smartphone?

-Yeah.

-See, I don't even like... You know Siri?

-Yeah.

You know that voice that comes on?

And it says, "Hello, Frank," and I always think, "You don't know me."

I like her. I've had a lot of chats with Siri.

Did you say "her"?

-Siri is a girl.

-Oh, no, I've got the male Siri.

I've got a female Siri.

Oh, no, I couldn't have a female Siri.

-Don't think that would work.

-Oh, right.

I'd be saying, "Where's the nearest Chinese restaurant?"

She'd say, "What, you're going out again?!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The master of this is the Queen, isn't it?

Imagine being the Queen, who meets, like, 30,000 new people every year.

Here she is, meeting people.

It's me!

AUDIENCE GROANS

I know, my hair... I was going through a midlife crisis.

-That is you?

-Wow.

Yes. Those gloves were white before she shook hands with me.

Oh, look, and there's Mike Baldwin in the background.

Yeah, Mike Baldwin. Well spotted.

There, you have someone from Salford.

The Queen... The QUEEN is at the front and he's saying,

"Oh, there's Mike Baldwin, look."

OK. So what is Meera's choice?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

They like that.

It drives me nuts.

I was sitting behind a couple of young people -

I suppose my definition would be anybody under 25 -

and the conversation went something like,

"So I was, like, no, and he was, like, yeah, and I was, like,

"whatever, and I was, like, no, and he was, like, yeah."

I'm sat there thinking,

I don't actually know what any of that was about.

There wasn't any nouns in it.

Wasn't any verbs in it, I don't think.

It's become this all-purpose filler word which means nothing.

It's robbing us of all our descriptive uses of this beautiful language, which it is,

and it makes people sound really thick, when they're not.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You've got the crowd on your side.

It's a sort of cue for acting, isn't it?

It's sort of saying, "I'm about to...

"So, yeah, so she told me, and I was, like..."

So it's a bit of a... They're saying,

"I can't exactly represent what I did, but I was LIKE this..."

So I think you could say they're

trying to make the scene that they're describing more vivid.

-How does that sound?

-Except, most people are very bad actors.

-Yes.

-So that doesn't really work.

-Most actors, even.

Indeed. I absolutely agree.

So, let's hear an example of this phenomenon.

This is a young woman in a car

talking to a sort of boyfriend/friend.

Yeah, so, like, I was never, like, really too, like,

concerned with, like, you know, dating you.

I was just, like, you know, we're friends, whatever,

like, whatever happens, happens, and, like, I obviously have, like,

strong feelings for you as my, like, best friend.

Like, I definitely, like, want to, like, try it out,

like, you know, see, like, how it can go, cos, like,

if we can make a relationship happen, like, that would be awesome.

I'm sure that cleared the air. Good communication going on.

Well, yeah.

He's just thinking, "Like, I want to get in your kecks, like.

"I'm not really bothered what you're saying."

I bet you he's not thinking "kecks".

But that thing about comparison -

in football commentary they'll say this thing, like,

"Of course England up front, they've got people like Wayne Rooney,

"and, er, people like Raheem Sterling,"

and I thought, they haven't got people LIKE them.

-That's them!

-Yeah.

You would never use that in any other context.

You'd say, you know,

"I've been on a couple of holidays with people like my wife."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK. Let's have a look at Sam's choice.

Holding hands.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww...

-What?

-Oh...

No, I'll give you an example. I'll give you an example, OK?

No, wait, wait. Just wait. This is good. OK.

The example is, you know when you're walking down a very narrow footpath

and you see a loved-up couple walking towards you holding hands?

Now, a decision has to be made as to who is going to stand

in the gutter of despair and loneliness, OK?

Why should I be standing in the gutter of despair and loneliness

whilst you're walking past me with your bloody love? Yeah?

And if I was a single man of one, you look at them

and you're thinking, you know what?

They've got a double disposable income,

so they're making more money than me as well.

My wife has just gone back to Australia.

I went to Tesco the other day to buy myself

all the ingredients for Amatriciana pasta. Cost me £42.

You could at least give me a little bit of concrete!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

No?

The only thing about holding hands for me is,

if you're a little boy and you need to cross a street, you hold hands.

If you're a little old lady, you need help across the street, you hold hands.

So you do it on the way in and you do it on the way out.

It's interesting you say that,

because I used to hold hands with my partner quite regularly,

and I've noticed since I've gone grey, we don't hold hands any more.

Because it does, it looks like I'm being helped.

See, I love seeing an older couple holding hands.

There's nothing sweeter than this little old grey-haired couple sort of tottering...

Yeah, they're on their way out. It's fine.

One of my pet hates is,

sometimes you'll see a couple holding hands across a table...

-No.

-..like that. Sitting, just looking at each other.

That, I struggle with.

Unless you're both on the back legs of your chair

and leaning right back and doing that...

I have a picture of a couple.

This is not exactly holding hands,

but it's a kind of intimacy, which I find strangely rewarding.

That's usually me, but with my hands down my own kecks.

To be fair, that's actually a ventriloquist act

I worked with in the '80s.

This is a couple that were buried 700 years ago,

and they found the skeletons of this couple, and they were holding hands.

The interesting thing is, the woman is yawning.

But, yeah, they were holding hands.

-There's something beautiful about that, Sam, is there not?

-Yeah.

That? There's nothing beautiful about that at all. Look at it!

The idea of continuing love, is what I meant.

OK. No.

I'll tell you what. I have a three-year-old now, and now,

instead of holding hands with my girlfriend, he's in the middle.

So, we hold hands with...

you know, I hold one of his hands and she holds the other hand.

And that is just the sort of distance you need

when you've been in a long-term relationship.

A bit of space.

But something that's never mentioned is that single parents,

that swinging thing you do with kids...

How are you going to do that?

If you're a single parent - I've seen single parents falling over

trying to do them between their legs.

And I came up with a gadget.

It's a shopping trolley for single parents.

APPLAUSE

My kids won't hold hands with me.

No. They just run off.

How old are they?

Er, the ones at home are six and seven.

-And they won't hold your hand?

-No.

Too busy running in and out of the road.

OK. So, I don't think I can put holding hands in, Sam.

-OK.

-I mean, it can make me nauseous,

especially when they won't separate, as you say,

and you have to go round.

But in the early days of a relationship,

-it can be a very lovely thing.

-OK.

Meeting new people, I'm very tempted by this one.

-Go on, stick it in.

-But, um ...

That's what I used to say when I met new people, in the old days.

But people who overuse the word "like" -

at first I wasn't certain, but then the people have spoken.

You got such a response when you said that.

-Clearly, there is a...

-There's a movement.

Yeah, there is. There's a bubbling under.

So, I am going to put people who overuse the word "like"

-into Room 101.

-Well done.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done, Meera.

OK.

BELL DINGS

So, off we go. Let's see what's winding up Meera.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Oh, good.

You're on a roll. Tell me more.

These are makeover programmes.

It's usually a woman, and they take her away

and they transform her into the swan that she apparently wants to be.

-Yes.

-And we're not talking about a little nip and tuck here.

This is extreme - months of surgery, facial reconstruction,

getting all your teeth taken out and put back in...

-Had that done.

-..extreme dieting.

And at the end of it, these women, that had issues of all kinds,

come out at the end apparently happier,

but looking basically like '70s porn stars.

Well, let's not knock that.

-I mean, The Swan is the classic example of this.

-Right.

We've got a bit of a before-and-after thing.

This is Christina before she went on The Swan.

OK? And this is Christina after.

-Wow.

-You say, "Wow,"

but hasn't she taken her glasses off...

LAUGHTER

..and then let her hair down?

That's basically what's occurred there, hasn't it?

I'm going to do a makeover show called Here's A Comb, Now Get Out.

My issue with these programmes is that actually, not only...

Firstly, it's a standard

and a vision of what women should look like,

which just isn't anywhere near achievable

without loads and loads of money and intense grooming,

which most people can't achieve.

So, are you saying that unless you look like this idealised version,

we're all ugly and we're never going to have a happy life?

And the other issue is that for a lot of these women,

they don't actually need the surgery.

What most of them need is a therapist,

because all the issues they've got

are actually much more about their self-esteem than the nose job.

APPLAUSE

I had Botox. I went to the dentist...

-Oh, did you?

-..to get some nerves sorted out,

and while I was there I went, "Give me some of that Botox."

So, he did. Stuck a load of pins in me.

I went home, no-one could tell the sodding difference!

Well, you've never been a man who was afraid of experimentation.

You, if you don't mind me saying, your teeth weren't...

They weren't so good as they are now.

Well, it was fantastic at one time,

then about ten years ago, they all fell out, so I got some new ones.

We've got a shot of your old teeth.

-Oh, yeah.

-Just for old time's sake.

-Yeah.

-They look better now, I must say.

-Well, they will do.

-Yeah.

I'd like to know how it felt, because I went... I've got...

-I was heavily sedated, Frank.

-Yes.

But that's enough about the '90s.

I just worry you might...

Because those teeth that you had before

were sort of part of the Shaun Ryder character.

Well, they only were there for, like, you know...

I made sure I got them done pretty quick.

They sort of literally fell out overnight,

after spending a while in Australia.

Yeah. Do you think it was being upside down?

It was either that or the crystal meth.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

One thing you've never heard said about crystal meth

is that it's bad for your teeth.

What about this guy?

This guy, he had the pec implants and he had the muscles done,

and I think he looks fantastic.

MEERA GASPS, AUDIENCE GROANS

No!

-Oh...

-Wow.

But what's that thing up there? What are they?

I think that's the cigarettes he got at duty free.

If he went through customs, you'd be very, very suspicious.

It actually looks like

someone has put Homer Simpson's face on his torso.

I don't know if you've seen this.

You don't have to go to the surgeon to get more youthful.

This is a Japanese face-slimming exercise mouthpiece.

-What?

-And...

I'm glad you told us what it was,

because my mind was going through all kinds of...

Well, it is tonight!

What you have to do, it fights wrinkles around your eyes

and helps shape the overall look of your face.

And so, it keeps you more youthful and vibrant,

and when you do it, you're supposed to make vowel sounds.

That's the idea. So you put it in.

Ah, ah, ah, eh, eh, eh, ah, ah,

ah, oh, oh, oh, oh...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK. What's Sam's choice?

I've got no time for boisterous whistling whatsoever. OK?

If you're boisterously whistling, it sounds like you're hiding a secret.

It's kind of sinister. Do you know what I mean?

You know who holds secrets? The milkman.

What does the milkman do? He whistles. He's got secrets.

What whistles? Kettles whistle,

birds whistle, cartoon dwarfs...

What else whistles?

Overconfident men and the Dutch. The Dutch love a whistle.

-Do they?

-They do. They whistle all the time.

You've been over there quite a bit, I can imagine.

They whistle a lot, and it's always a non-descript tune as well, like...

HE WHISTLES TUNELESSLY

It's not even any song.

It's just really annoying whistling on their weird bikes.

That's why joined the Nazis.

They weren't concentrating, because they were whistling.

I've just got no time for it.

I don't know whether something weird happened to me as a young boy

with a loud whistle, but there's just something about it.

Can anyone do a big man whistle in here?

It always really intimidates me.

-BIG WHISTLE

-There you go.

-Whoa!

-WHISTLING CONTINUES

-All right, that's enough.

No, that's actually R2-D2 drunk.

-Can you do it, Shaun?

-Me? No.

Don't want you to blow your teeth out.

I remember people on talent shows whistling. Wasn't that a thing?

-Yes! Do you remember Ronnie Ronalde?

-Was that him?

-What was he, a champion whistler?

-He was a stage whistler.

I was so impressed by him I used to buy Ronnie Ronalde records

and I used to... You know people play air guitar?

I used to do air whistling.

Look, I'll give you a...

WHISTLING RECORD PLAYS

That was him.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-One of the problems with it is you have to do that.

-Mmm.

Which looks a bit rubbish, but there is a way round this.

This is a guy from the '80s.

He was on a show called Kelly and Company,

and he kind of developed his own whistling style.

-This is remarkable.

-Is this a whistling anus?

No!

WHISTLING

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Right. Well, I know Shaun has been looking forward to this one.

Oh, yeah!

Well, I'm definitely not going to win this, am I?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Football talk...

and all the fools that write songs about it.

LAUGHTER

What don't you like about football talk?

Oh, come on! It's broken biscuits. It's gaga.

It's just... It's just... It doesn't even make sense.

"Down the middle, down the middle, Rooney." What? Oh.

"Van Gaal, Van Gaal, bluh, bluh!"

"Did you watch the game?" "I listened to it. Listened to it.

"They went down. They scored, they scored, they scored,

"and I turned it off." It's just...

No, don't.

Do you know what? I walk away from them.

I walk away from anything like that. I got in the taxi, right, in Camden.

I jumped in. The geezer goes,

"So, where are we?"

I went, "Where are we? You're a taxi driver! In Camden!"

He went, "No, in the league, in the league! Come on, you reds!"

How the bleeding hell should I know? Do I look like a football fan?

Well, hold on a minute... LAUGHTER

Why don't we talk about science-fiction movies or something,

or Clint Eastwood films, you know?

-Mmm.

-Something right-on.

I must admit, I talk about both of those as well.

-And you write songs about it.

-Yeah, yeah. I know.

You never shut up about it, Frank.

All right!

You're going on a bit yourself!

When my son was born, my girlfriend went into labour,

I had to drive her across town at, like, three o'clock in the morning.

Her waters had broke and stuff, and she was in the car going,

"Argh! Argh!" Like, really...

And we got into the hospital, and we went into a lift,

and she was on the floor, I mean, "Argh!"

And this porter got in the lift. She's there screaming, and he said,

"So, what do you think about the new England manager?"

-LAUGHTER

-Yeah.

And the thing was, I had some really good opinions.

I really wanted to talk about it,

but I thought, "Maybe this is a mistake."

So I do know what you mean.

I think you might like this clip.

This is non-league football.

This is Wealdstone versus White Hawks, and this is a guy -

he's become slightly legendary - known as the Wealdstone Raider.

-Right.

-Do you know him?

-Yeah.

-I think this is the sort of thing that might draw you...

-Has he got a baseball bat with him?

-..draw you into it. He may have.

Have a look at this.

You've got no fans. You've got no ground.

The Hawks are playing well, I'm telling you.

-You want some?

-Eh?

-You want some?

-Well, the Hawks are playing well.

You want some, or what?

They're fantastic. They're fantastic.

If you want some, I'll give it you.

Now, I would talk to him.

You lived in Australia for a little bit. You were in Perth.

Did you check out any Australian rules football?

-No.

-Because that vernacular is fun.

-No, I went and got off my face with the Aborigines.

-Did you?

-Did you really?

-Yeah, for about six months.

-With the Aborigines? Whereabouts?

-Everywhere.

-Wow.

That's how he lost his teeth - boomerang.

I was watching Sky Soccer Saturday,

and one of my favourite reporters is ex-manager Chris Kamara.

And I love him and he's brilliant, but sometimes you think,

"Maybe I could do that."

Unbelievable, Jeff!

We've just seen a marvellous, fantastic goal, a brilliant goal,

a wonderful overhead kick goal that has put them in front.

The only problem is, because I'm at the far end of the ground,

I don't know who scored it.

I think, Jeff, it was...

Well, I don't know, to be fair.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK. I sense I haven't won Shaun over on this one.

Right. Well, um...

Boisterous whistling?

I'm sorry, Sam. I like whistling.

It's got a sort of traditional thing from a world that's nearly gone.

And extreme makeover shows, although they are entertaining,

I hate myself for even watching these programmes.

And although I absolutely love football talk,

I do sympathise with you.

The amount of people who come up to me

and tell me what's wrong with West Bromwich Albion,

based on 34 seconds on Match Of The Day, it is annoying.

So I think you've got a point.

I know this sounds incredible,

but I am going to put football talk into Room 101.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What have I done?

And that brings us to the end of the show.

Well done, Meera - you were the most persuasive guest,

-so you are this week's winner.

-Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks very much to Sam Simmons, Meera Syal and Shaun Ryder,

and thank you, goodnight!