Bonus Bellyaches Room 101

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner,

and welcome to a special edition of Room 101

featuring some of the best moments from the series

and loads of brilliant stuff which you haven't seen before.

Enjoy.

I don't have to watch this stuff, do I?

LAUGHTER

OK, Greg's choice.

Hotel check-in, check-out.

APPLAUSE

Shall I say it again? Because I missed the "and" out. It's weird.

OK.

Hotel, checking in and checking out. I've said it weird again.

LAUGHTER

Hotel check-in and check-out.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

You're going to have to give me more.

It seems a harmless activity.

I want to make it absolutely clear - I'm not having a pop at the people

who check you in or check you out at hotels.

People who've welcomed me to hotels

and out of them have always been very lovely.

-Mm.

-It's the process, and it's how long it takes.

I don't understand why I have to stand for hours

watching someone type.

I've booked a hotel.

I've given all of my details when I booked the hotel,

so when I arrive, this is what should happen.

"Hello." "Hello."

"What is your name?" "It's Greg Davies."

-HE IMITATES KEYBOARD TAPPING

-"Ah, here's your key.

-"It's up there."

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-I don't know what...

-HE IMITATES KEYBOARD TAPPING

"Can you fill this form in?" "No, I've given you the details."

"Oh, all right, then."

It took me years of standing there watching

until I finally looked behind.

-She didn't have a keyboard.

-LAUGHTER

-She had little castanets.

-LAUGHTER

And checking out, I've stopped checking out,

and I encourage...

I want the nation to join me. You don't have to check out.

-No.

-What?

-I agree.

-I agree.

I walk past the desk with my card, I put it on the side,

and you can see them go...

Ready with the castanets, and I go, "Goodbye."

-LAUGHTER

-"Are you checking out?"

And I go, "I just have!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, let's see what David has chosen.

-My South African accent.

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

As part of my day job, which is pretending to be other people,

I do occasionally have to assume another accent,

and usually, with a bit of practice and a bit of time,

I can make a decent fist of most of them,

but my Becher's Brook, my Waterloo...

-LAUGHTER

-..is the South African accent.

I don't know why it should be.

I don't know what it is about it that is elusive to my ear,

but I've tried and I've struggled and...

-SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT:

-I can start off all right

and it's not too bad, but it doesn't take long and...

-MIDLANDS ACCENT:

-..suddenly I'm from Dudley.

LAUGHTER

We thought we might want to help you with this, David...

-Right.

-..so we contacted a man called Paul Myer.

He runs a thing called

the International Dialects Of English Archive,

and he thinks that he can teach, well, you and I,

to do South African.

-Would you like to try?

-I'd love to, yeah.

If you'd like to join me on your... You can see your mark.

-I can.

-Good on you. OK.

OK. So, you've got to imagine now,

instead of being set in the West Midlands,

that suddenly we're in, um, Joburg.

-OK.

-And it's written as a...

I don't know why I'm doing it as Nelson, but...

LAUGHTER

So, yeah. So it's phonetic. OK, let's go for it.

"Well, ahff bet nyees fuh yew, Sem.

"Ah em uh sigh-shuh-luhst."

LAUGHTER

"Well, yew maht uhss well chust guhff dah mahnuhss

"duh geese duh duh Ruddy guntRee uhn lituhm git on wuhf uht."

-LAUGHTER

-That was good.

-I think you've got...

-Yeah.

"Mmm, not uh bed ahdeeuh.

"Ah math pRuh-piess uht et duh nix dee-yew-see gonfRuhnts."

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

I have a feeling that if you played this backwards,

it would sound absolutely fine.

David Tennant, the South African actor.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And so, Katie's choice.

-Parking.

-Parking.

APPLAUSE

For one, it's always hard to find a space, and now,

when you do find a space, say if you want to pop in somewhere

for literally two minutes, you know, you can't even pay money now.

You have to phone a number and then put in the code for where you are,

and you spend ten minutes or whatever doing that,

then giving your credit card,

and then sometimes it's, "Oh, it didn't work."

So, it's easier just to go in and get a parking ticket.

-It's just like...

-LAUGHTER

..why can't they just keep it old-fashioned,

where you put your money in or make it a credit card machine?

APPLAUSE

And then some machines now,

you have to put your registration in.

I don't know my registration off the top of my head.

So then, what do you do then?

Look at the car. It's normally got it on the front and the back.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And Dartford Tunnel.

-LAUGHTER

-You can't just pay.

You now have to phone up before you go through that,

and if you don't, then you get a £75 fine.

Are you saying that you occasionally park in the Dartford Tunnel?

LAUGHTER

If somebody lets you in...

You know if there's a queue of traffic

and somebody lets you in, how do you thank them,

or do you not bother?

Like that, or hazards. Or if they're behind me, hand up.

Bit of a smile?

Well, my face don't really move, so I can't really get out a smile.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's why I love you, Katie.

So, what's Noel's choice?

-Spiders.

-AUDIENCE MURMURS

Ooh, that's... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-It was like they had a debate first.

-I know.

-"Shall we applaud?"

-Whole gamut of emotions.

Yeah. So, why? Why spiders?

Well, I recently went to Australia, and that was a whole other ballgame.

I mean, I'm frightened of spiders here,

but in Australia they are massive.

I mean, literally, one picked me up at the airport...

-LAUGHTER

-..in a taxi.

It's still on your head. LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Quite good when we got to the hotel, though,

-cos he picked up all my bags.

-LAUGHTER

But I mean, they're properly dangerous in Australia as well.

Yeah. They can kill you.

You know, like, here in England, the thing is in England

you do the sort of postcard/cup technique.

You know, you try and trap...

In Australia there was one, and this is a true story.

Me and my brother were sharing a hotel doing a Boosh tour

and there was a huntsman, it's called.

It literally was this big, right, on the wall,

so we couldn't even get it in a mug.

I had to go to the kitchen and get a mixing bowl, yeah,

-and we had to use an album.

-LAUGHTER

I used Abbey Road, right? This is a true story.

And cos mixing bowls, they're see-through,

they're sort of magnifying.

So, it was that big anyway, and when I put the mixing bowl -

its head was bigger than mine.

I could see its cheekbones. It was awful.

And so I slid the album underneath it and took it outside,

and I put it out, and it didn't even just go in the bushes.

It walked down the sidewalk like a man.

Like a man would.

It just went off across the zebra crossing.

Must have got the idea from Abbey Road.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So bad.

I used to like...

Do you remember the Daddy Saddles you used to get, way back?

We've got a picture.

This was the box from one. LAUGHTER

"Now every child's favourite game - 'Horsie' - comes to life!"

So, I've got a Daddy Saddle.

These are commercially available

if there's any dads at home who want to wear one.

And let me just work out...

Yeah, so this goes through the arms.

Is there any kids here?

LAUGHTER

And you bring this around...

..and the stirrups are on the side...

and so you can go round like this.

What you get up to in the privacy of your own home is your business.

LAUGHTER Do you want to try it?

-Do you want to try on my back?

-No, I think Heston is your man.

-OK. Come on, Heston.

-Heston's going to do it.

-He likes adventure.

Oh! Oh! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Come on.

APPLAUSE CONTINUES

Oh!

Whoa!

So butch.

Wow.

And then there was the time I was ridden by Heston Blumenthal.

LAUGHTER

# I pull the levers that make the whole world sing... #

Come on!

# I pull the levers... #

PENCIL SHARPENER BUZZES

LAUGHTER Not bad.

PANPIPES TUNE PLAYS

-LAUGHTER

-Were they in Room 101 already?

-What, the panpipes?

-Yeah.

-No.

I call these my pun pipes,

and if I do a very bad pun, I give these a bit of a...

PANPIPES TUNE PLAYS

TUNE CONTINUES

AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS

OK. What's winding up James?

-Geese.

-LAUGHTER

Don't need to explain that, do I?

Probably the worst of all the animals, I'd say.

Lairy, but unjustifiably lairy.

I don't really believe a goose could handle itself,

-but it fronts it all the time.

-LAUGHTER

Like, a swan, we know can break your arm,

and geese are just like the people who hang out with the bigger kids.

Just go up to you, going, "Naah,"

and you know you could punch it, but it's a goose.

-We have a clip, actually...

-Oh, God.

..of a man in a canoe enjoying a beautiful day's canoeing.

-Argh!

-LAUGHTER

-I rest my case.

-LAUGHTER

You know, they have teeth as well.

Where?

They have teeth not only in their beak but also on their tongue.

Oh, I hate them so much.

Ugh!

Oh, my God. Right. I've won the round.

-LAUGHTER

-There's no way I've not won.

-Look at that.

-APPLAUSE

They are nasty little things,

but the fact that they have all these magical things

which allows them to fly in a V formation,

I'll forgive them almost anything for that.

-The Nazis were organised.

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Look, it's too late to change your choice now.

LAUGHTER

Anyway, what's Claudia's choice?

-Skiing.

-Wow. AUDIENCE MURMURS

-Yeah. Oh, come on. We had a deal.

-LAUGHTER

You were going to be on my side.

I only went once, but here's the thing.

You have to wake up early.

You put on genuinely

the most disgusting clothes you've ever seen in your life.

Padded, multicoloured.

This one's got a picture of a rat on it.

This has got stripes AND circles. Anyway, salopettes.

Then you have to put on these massive things,

which we shouldn't be wearing.

Huge metal things that you can't walk in.

Then you go on the ski lift.

That alone is terrifying. The most terrifying...

I was just like this, holding on.

Went round it for seven days. No, come on.

Then you physically exert yourself.

Why would anybody ever do that? You go down.

It's incredibly dangerous. Slushy. Then you have to take it off.

At the end, there's some sort of revolting alcohol that makes people,

you know, throw up on their boots.

I don't understand skiing.

Why does anybody go skiing?

It's a gazillion pounds. You smell of cheese.

I mean, I admit, I do associate it with the super-cool

and the super-beautiful, and that's why I sort of like it,

because I like the idea of them putting themselves in grave danger.

LAUGHTER

But I've never been.

It's always seemed like something that other people do, I must admit.

-It's ridiculous.

-Yeah.

And it's all lip-gloss. They've all got lip-gloss on.

SHE MUMBLES POSHLY

Nobody spends any time with their kids.

-"In you go. In you go, Lucifer.

-LAUGHTER

"In you go. In you go.

"Good luck. Don't break anything.

-"Mummy's going up...

-LAUGHTER

"I'll bring him up. Feed him. Feed him. I'll bring him up later."

SHE MUMBLES POSHLY

It's for tools.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What's Russell's choice?

Grumpy kids.

-APPLAUSE

-Exactly, right?

I was...

I was in a restaurant the other day

and I heard a child say, "Oh, Wagamama again?"

LAUGHTER

I used to lose my mind when I went to a Harvester.

Lose my mind. Go into school the next day.

"Salad bar. Amazing.

"I had an Italian dish called a la-sag-nea."

They've got everything. They're whining.

They've got wheels in their shoes, iPads, Sky Plus.

If you'd have shown me Sky Plus when I was ten,

I'd have thought you were a wizard, pausing the telly.

And it could have been worse.

You could've grown up in the '80s.

The telly was awash with offenders and, you know...

-LAUGHTER

-It was, you know?

And, like, think of the hours we played the recorder.

The hours we did that. Have we ever needed it?

I've never been at a party, "I know what this needs."

IMITATES RECORDER PLAYING TUNE

Girls in the corner, "Do you know Little Donkey?"

-"You know I do."

-LAUGHTER

We have a picture of you

when you were a, I think, 12-year-old, Russell.

-Oh, really? OK. Oh, there you go.

-LAUGHTER

-Aw!

-Aw!

What a happy child.

APPLAUSE

Well, I haven't seen that for a long...

I look a bit like Harry Potter's German pen pal.

I feel a bit sorry for kids now, though.

I live in quite a sort of a posh bit of London,

and I think the kids there just don't get enough sugar.

LAUGHTER

They ask for a Cornetto, they get a little box of raisins.

-That's not parenting.

-Exactly.

-LAUGHTER

I remember... Like, remember Angel Delight?

-Now there's a pudding.

-Yes.

You have one bite of that and you go, "I'm going on the roof."

-LAUGHTER

-And my sister -

my sister has one of the greatest moments in the Howard family.

My sister was eating Angel Delight, and she goes,

"Dad, what's Angel Delight made of?" And my dad just went, "Dead angels."

-LAUGHTER

-That's parenting.

Me and my brother were like, "This is the best day ever!"

So, what's winding up Aisling?

Twins.

Yeah, twins, but not just any. Identical twins.

-OK.

-They freak me out.

-LAUGHTER

You never know.

They're the natural sort of tricksters of the world

because they've grown up knowing they can con people,

and when you're on a date with one, you're never sure

if it's that one or his brother's crept in through the window

during one of the starters or main courses.

Very trickstery. Just don't trust them.

It's not that I want to put identical twins into Room 101.

I just want to put one of them...

LAUGHTER

-APPLAUSE

-You know?

What shocks me about this is with you being Irish,

you come from the home of the most lovable identical twins

-in the world.

-Well, yes.

And you know, I knew you'd bring that up.

Twins have been very important to the Irish music industry.

You know, Jedward, the two in B*Witched, and, you know,

Bono and Enya, who are, uh... They're actually twins as well.

-Didn't know that.

-Yeah, yeah. Enya is the boy.

LAUGHTER

So, they have been very important, but I still...

I would give up all of that back catalogue of Jedward's music

to get rid of twins.

Wow.

In case you don't know who Jedward is,

-I think is the right grammatical term...

-Yeah.

..here they are. LAUGHTER

What they need to do is, before they do a publicity shot,

decide whether they're going to be happy or sad.

LAUGHTER

OK, what's Sam's choice?

Yeah, people who are too much into Batman.

-LAUGHTER

-Just Batman stuff in general.

I mean, if you're over the age of 14...

There's nothing sadder than a 45-year-old man

wearing a Batman shirt.

Like, really.

I have to tell you now,

I am one of those blokes who grew up completely reading comic books

and then carried on and loved Batman and Superman and...

I'll be off.

LAUGHTER No, don't go. Don't go, Sam.

-I did have the Batman outfit in the '60s.

-Yeah.

The plastic head and the plastic cape, that one.

Well, my mum made me one.

I used to wear jeans with my swimming trunks over the top.

LAUGHTER But it was good.

She made me a proper mask.

And my cousin, he was Robin the Boy Wonder,

but the thing is, we were just of an age

where we were getting a bit too old to play-act,

so we just used to sit around in the park dressed as...

LAUGHTER

It was like Batman and Robin, but, you know, off duty.

Can I maybe try and tempt you with some other superheroes

that you may not have heard of?

Perhaps one of the greatest one was this guy,

who had a unique method for fighting the bad guys.

LAUGHTER

This guy could detach his limbs

and use them

as dull objects to hit people with.

But look at the armpit.

He seems to have had his arm socket upholstered.

LAUGHTER

It's like he's part-Chesterfield. LAUGHTER

And this is a genuine hero, and do you know what his name was?

Any guesses?

Limb Man.

That's better than the real one.

He was called Arm-Fall-Off-Boy.

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, come off it!

-He was!

I'll show you something that might just win you over.

This is a pug dog whose owner claims that it can say "Batman".

-DOG YELPS:

-Batman! Batman!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yeah, that's all right.

Am I winning you over, Sam?

Yeah. I like Bat Pug. That's all right.

I tell you what, I've got a soft spot for clingfilm,

because when I was a drinking man,

I used to have this trick that I did.

You know when you get, like, a bread roll in the pub

and it's got clingfilm on it?

So, what I used to do is I'd take the clingfilm and string it out.

No-one would know this was happening,

so I'd be doing it secretly under the table

in a pub full of strangers, and I used to dip it in my beer

to make it all gungy and cheeky,

and then when I got it all stringy and horrible, I used to...

Bear in mind, no-one has seen this. It's all secret.

I used to stand up in the pub,

and I'd turn my back like this, and go... Ah! Ah! Achoo!

Oh!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

But it doesn't do what it's supposed to do.

It is very good to put over a toilet at a party.

LAUGHTER I've never done that.

-I've never done that.

-That's a lot of fun, yeah.

I understand it's bad for the environment.

I've heard that said. Is that true?

Surely if you covered the entire planet in clingfilm

it would last longer. LAUGHTER

Yeah, and be microwaveable.

Yeah.

If you're watching, you can't put clingfilm in a microwave.

-Can't you?

-No, it melts.

-It's foil you can't put in.

-No, it doesn't.

You're thinking a cat.

-Yeah.

-LAUGHTER

I've made such a fool of myself.

I am thinking of cats.

Well, look,

now you're a man who's at the very centre of the food world.

I had an idea.

I thought what we needed was clingfilm

that's got a bit more character.

-Now, that...

-That's lovely.

That's beautiful. I'm calling it bling film.

LAUGHTER

I find cooked vegetables,

you put them in this and they sparkle.

I call it vegazzling.

LAUGHTER

OK. So, what is John's choice?

AUDIENCE WHOOPS

RUSSELL WHOOPS

-Go, Johnny! Go, Johnny!

-I've lost already, haven't I?

-No!

It's all over. Whooping in audiences.

-Shall I leave now?

-No.

-That was ironic.

-Come on.

-That was pretty good by the audience.

-It was.

-Fair play.

I'll say. Look, it's awful. Do you know what?

You're not going to believe this.

It'll shock you to the very core of your being, Frank, my dear fellow.

Gardeners' Question Time on Radio 4.

-Hallowed institution. Any of you listen to it?

-Yes.

Of course you do.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Whoo!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-I'm so regretting this.

-LAUGHTER

-I know Shaun's been looking forward to this one.

-Oh, yeah.

Well, I'm definitely not going to win this, am I?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Football talk and all the fools that write songs about it.

What don't you like about football talk?

Oh, come on. It's broken biscuits. It's gaga.

It's just... It's just... It doesn't even make sense.

"Down the middle! Down the middle, Rooney. What? Oh!"

"Van Gaal, Van Gaal, bluh, bluh!"

"Did you watch the game?"

"Oh, listened to it. Listened to it. They went down.

"They scored, they scored, they scored. I turned it off."

It's just...

-No, don't.

-..bluh!

-LAUGHTER

Do you know what? I walk away from them.

I walk away from anything that... I got in the taxi, right, in Camden.

I jumped in. The geezer goes, "So, where are we?"

I went, "Where are we? You're a taxi driver in Camden."

He went, "No, in the league! In the league! Come on, you Reds!"

How the bleeding hell should I know? Do I look like a football fan?

Well, hold on a minute. LAUGHTER

Why don't we talk about science fiction movies or something,

or Clint Eastwood films, you know?

-Mm.

-Something right-on.

Yeah.

I must admit, I talk about both of those as well.

-And you write songs...

-Yes.

-..about it.

-Yeah. I know.

-You never shut up about it, Frank.

LAUGHTER All right!

You're going on a bit yourself! LAUGHTER

Let's find out what's winding up Russell Kane.

LAUGHTER

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

This genuinely wasn't planned.

This is one thing I would like to put in Room 101,

is men who get grumpier with age.

Now, we know that on the whole,

women tend to be more emotionally connected than men.

If they've got a problem they get friends over.

"Hey, I got Claud over, got Tess over. We talked.

"No solution, but we lit a candle.

"I feel better just for talking about it." Right?

LAUGHTER

-Whereas men...

-Because that's how it works.

Whereas men will be like, "I have a problem.

"I'm going to hold it inside till it's a diamond,

"then poo it out and die"...

LAUGHTER

..leaving behind a generation of women, relatively young these days,

who then have to pretend to grieve.

"How will I survive without the miserable sod? What a disaster."

-LAUGHTER

-"How will I go on

"without Barry mocking my parking? How will I survive?

"You can park forever in the crematorium. Goodbye, Barry."

LAUGHTER

-End of point.

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

LOUD CHEERING

So, thank you to all our guests over the series,

and thank you.

CHEERING CONTINUES It's imposs... It's impossible!

Come here! Come here!