Bonus Bellyaches Room 101

Yeah. I'll tell you what I'd put in Room 101...

..those special editions of programmes they have when they

sort of look back at the highlights of the series

and then show you some unseen bits that they think you'll enjoy.

Fu...

Hello, and welcome to a special edition of Room 101

in which we look back at the highlights of the series

plus some unseen moments that we think you might enjoy.

Thank you so much for coming.

Now, I always start by asking the guests the same question.

Just by way of a warm-up, really.

So I'll begin with Lucy.

Lucy, when's the last time you fell over?

Oh, God. Embarrassingly recently.

Mum on a night out.

Don't drink too much these days.

Misjudged a bus step

-and...

-On the shin?

Proper there. And then cried.

-No!

-A 43-year-old woman crying at a bus stop.

What were you doing on a bus?

LAUGHTER

You watch the show and you never think it's going to happen to you,

do you? But then he turns his gaze on you and...

But why were you on a bus? What you mean my show?

Why are you watching my show at two o'clock in the afternoon?

She's a comedian.

And what do you mean by turns his GAYS on you,

he's not got an army of them!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

We don't know that!

What's upsetting Richard?

Audiences cheering...

I mean, that could be enough, but audiences cheering

at the name of the town in which they reside.

I don't quite... I just don't see why you need to emit that sound.

I mean, I'm from Ipswich, so obviously I can't emit joy.

So it seems very strange to me.

I've never understood it.

-You say Hull...

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Wahey!

LAUGHTER

It seems odd.

I don't know what I'm meant to do with that information.

Are you happy about Hull?

You're happy?

OK.

What I find odd is the mere mention of the name, in Pavlovian sense,

eliciting that "hooray!"

That seems odd. Because why should that only exist in crowds?

You should follow it through any time - when you're on your own,

if you see it on a map - any time, then say it.

It would be odd if you were on your own, though,

and you're watching the news and,

"This evening we're bringing you news of a fatal accident in Hull."

ALL: Wahey!

-That's not good.

-I think if you're going to do it, follow it through.

Don't just do it because you're in a public place.

I think you could have a clause,

not after the announcement of a fatal accident.

OK, and so to Sophie.

So, I don't mean things that bring you pleasure you feel guilty about,

I mean the term guilty pleasures,

because, I think basically if something is making you happy,

it's not hurting anyone, you don't need to feel guilty about it.

And sometimes, guilty pleasures become a term

that's a way of talking about things

-to sort of ascertain if they're cool or not.

-Mm.

And I think being cool is quite overrated anyway,

so I think if you like it, tell people, it's OK.

No, I absolutely...

I mean, I'm a Roman Catholic, so all my pleasures are guilty pleasures.

LAUGHTER

But I don't do this, only if my partner is away -

I love to watch the telly...

..with hard-boiled eggs and...

-..and put salt in my navel.

-No!

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

And...

Hold on...

That's such a vivid image.

You just said if it doesn't hurt anybody it's all right.

I find that oh, so relaxing.

Do you have anything that you think would be described by others

as a guilty pleasure?

I like things, like, if I have smoked salmon on toast

I also have ketchup. I know that that's weird for some people.

You've shot up in my estimation.

I've got a six CD set of comedy songs.

And I thought my son would like them because they're comedy songs.

You know, he's four, he likes a laugh.

So there's one song on there he loves more than any other.

He just wants to play it all the time.

It's Tie Me Kangaroo Down.

LAUGHTER

Should I...? How do you handle that?

Because there's guilty pleasures and there's five years in prison.

But, you know, he's loving it because he loves it.

What should I...? What should I do?

I think just preserve the innocence, let him have...

-Enjoy the song for now.

-Yeah, it's a great song.

-Yeah, it's OK.

-The song didn't do anything wrong.

Exactly. The song did not do anything wrong.

-Quite right.

-You might eat a pie, you don't know who's made it.

-Yeah.

-The person that made the pie could have been awful...

-It's true.

-..but you're not going to take it out on the pie.

It's a good point.

Or a sandwich. I mean, different foods.

There's one other I would like to share with you.

This is Emma Thompson from Wallsend, North Tyneside.

She eats up to 20 sponges a day.

-Here's Emma.

-Whoa!

She rips the scourer off.

So just eats the sponge bit?

Yeah, she soaks the sponges overnight

in apple-flavoured Fairy liquid...

AUDIENCE EXCLAIM

..before enjoying one first thing in the morning.

I bet her toilet's clean!

LAUGHTER

Yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's not often you hear a male guest

say that about a woman and it gets applause.

Let's find out what is winding up Rylan.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's low ceilings, Frank.

As a man...

I am six foot three, six foot four,

-depending on what boots I've got on...

-OK.

..and every day is a struggle for me.

Whether I'd be, you know, walking along the road,

there could be a branch.

Whether I'm on a plane,

that is a self-portrait of myself on the screen now.

But, more importantly, I feel that I have a constant groove

in the top of my head from door frames.

I've had to have the door frames in my house raised.

-Really?

-Yeah. Because it just don't work,

especially when the hair's up.

Have you considered ducking?

-Frank, I don't consider it. I am a professional ducker.

-OK.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I duck morning, noon and night.

-Respect.

-But I don't enjoy it.

I just, I don't.

Let's talk about the top deck of a bus.

It all goes on on the top deck of a bus.

That's where you want to be on a bus, you know?

-You do.

-You're right, though, you're right.

Do you know what I mean? And, I mean, I'm not going to lie,

I've not been on a bus for years, but...

LAUGHTER

I'm being serious.

If I wanted to get on a bus, I'd want to get on the top deck.

But I'll get at them stairs

and I'll probably be three away from the top and that's it.

The next step is that...

..the step before the actual floor is that...

and then when I'm actually on the top deck I'm like that.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's hard, it's hard!

So, what is winding up Frankie?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Richard Branson, who...

I can't believe I live in a society where I'm asked to admire this guy.

A sort of sun-dried Bee Gee...

..who probably only wants to travel into space so that he can find

the rest of his own species.

He's sort of held up as something for me to admire

because he self-identifies as a good person.

He says he's an environmentalist, and runs an airline!

Saying that he's an environmentalist is like saying that

Joseph Stalin ran skiing holidays.

LAUGHTER

People say, "Oh, you're jealous of Richard Branson.

"You're jealous of his money." If I had all his money,

what I'd do with it is I'd use it

to pull that island he lives on towards Syria.

LAUGHTER

OK. What's miffing Rob Delaney?

APPLAUSE

Is that it?

In the morning I don't want decaf,

so why is my room cluttered with the decaf?

What if I touch decaf on my way to get real coffee?

This shouldn't happen.

And if you like decaf coffee,

if you just like the taste of coffee but not the effects of coffee,

you're a sicko.

You should be in a prison community.

So, when good taxpaying civilians are in public,

they shouldn't have to wade through decaf coffee packets

to get to the good stuff.

I mean, what if you're hungover and you're jittery

and you've got to...? No.

I don't like coffee very much,

but when I drink coffee I have decaf.

Decaffeinated cappuccino is what I always go for.

And I always get the same experience.

The waiter comes over and says, "Here's your cappuccino, sir,"

and I say,

"Decaffeinated cappuccino?"

and he goes...

"Yes."

LAUGHTER

Here's something I particularly like -

you know when you go into a coffee shop,

be it a famous American chain or wherever?

And you order your coffee and they ask you your name

-and they write it on the cups.

-Oh, yeah. I always lie.

Do you, just for fun?

-Do you lie? For fun?!

-Scarlett!

-What sort of fun is that?

It's hilarious, because you're like, "Who's that? Oh, it's me."

Here is a guy, and what he did, they said, "OK, what's your name?"

and he said "It's Marc with a C."

And this was the coffee he got.

LAUGHTER

OK. So, what's upsetting David Mitchell?

Sugar lumps.

You take a commodity that people want to decide how much they want

and you congeal it in such a way as to prescribe a minimum dose.

You don't get that with ketchup.

You can put as much ketchup on or as little as you like.

You don't have two put a minimum that-sized clod of it.

Sugar exists as a powder in a granulated form,

why turn it into lumps?

What are you doing? You're only limiting its usage,

you're not extending its usage.

So there you go.

Sugar lumps. Why do they exist?

Stop doing it. Stop congealing sugar into lumps.

APPLAUSE

I don't know why it exists, actually.

And do you know? One argument you could make...

Let me play devil's advocate.

And I mean devil's, they're devils.

You could say, well, it's a useful way to take,

you know, an amount of sugar, you know, you can then hold it,

such as a sugar sachet.

And obviously, a sugar sachet, that involves paper,

that's worse for the environment.

However, there exists, and I have seen this,

and the people who make these are the real satans of the world -

sugar lumps in sachets.

A lump of sugar in a little plastic...

Why is that allowed to exist?

What's the point of that?

The only defence for the lump,

the sugar lump that allows bowls of sugar in cafes to get dirtier

and dirtier and dirtier, and people, "Oh, I'll have that one,

"oh, that's a bit of a wonky one," you know, this disgusting thing.

The only defence is a certain level of convenience

and then someone decides, well, actually,

let's take the sachet that also provides that level of convenience

and put a lump in it.

These aren't sugar sachets that have been left in the wet or something,

this is a deliberately-formed sugar lump put in a sachet.

Can you imagine anything more diabolical?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

How do they stick it together, the lump?

God knows!

I've heard they get Chinese children to cry.

LAUGHTER

So let's see what Joe has gone for.

Mating foxes.

MUSIC: Crazy Horses by The Osmonds

Sorry, it's a bit like Crazy Horses.

Yeah, nice.

# Mating foxes! #

CRAZY HORSES PLAYS

Nice.

OK, let's see what is winding up Judy Murray.

-Sniffing.

-Sniffing, there's a lot of it in show business, I know.

I can't stand sniffing.

Anyone who sniffs, especially if they sniff constantly,

is going straight in Room 101, and it had better be soundproofed.

I sat on a flight on the way down here

beside a guy who sniffed constantly.

And I started off looking at him with my best death stare,

which I usually reserve for people like Novak Djokovic.

Judy, can you show me your evil stare?

-Wow, that's a good one.

-It didn't make any difference.

And I always keep a pack of tissues in my bag

because of my sniffing problem.

And I said, "Would you like a tissue?"

-You actually said that?

-Yeah, because it drives me absolutely...

I mean, I don't want to know what's going on up that guy's nose.

And why don't you just blow your nose?

Why don't you just get it out?

And I don't want your germs either.

No, sniffing... Can't stand it.

Get in that room, now.

They have a thing in Japan...

..called the hay fever hat.

Have you ever heard of that?

It just so happens I have one here.

And if you have hay fever and are in a sniffy situation...

LAUGHTER

This is real. This is honestly real.

So...

What you don't want to do is fall asleep in a public lavatory.

So that's the hay fever hat.

Tremendous.

What do you think of this for a piece of nasal activity,

from the world of international tennis, Judy?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

At least he didn't sniff.

OK, and so to Catherine's choice.

CHEERING

-Oh!

-School cake bake sales.

The bane of my life because there's one every...

Oh, my gosh, every week, it seems.

And everyone else knows about it in advance apart from me, it seems.

-I'm never aware of the cake bake sale.

-Yeah.

It's the dread of walking to school in the morning

and up ahead you see some people carrying Tupperware.

You realise, oh, not another bloody cake bake sale

that I was supposed to have remembered

and supposed to have baked myself.

And then it's the state of the cake bake sale as well.

They look like monstrosities. You know they're 20% snot.

They've got neon-coloured icing and sprinkles,

they're awful things.

Mary Berry's not going to say it's good.

-No.

-Why should I?

I should say that we on the BBC now believe, of course,

that baking cakes is the work of the devil.

LAUGHTER

And the best place for it is on Channel 4,

amidst naked game shows

and documentaries about the boy with the 28st head.

So, to Sophie's choice.

Oh, that's a good name for a film!

Oh.

So, I'm talking specifically about when I go to an event,

you know, a party or whatever it is,

and they've separated me from whoever I've gone with at the table.

If I've gone to something with my sister, my friend,

my husband, I want to sit next to them when I'm eating.

I don't want them to be on the other side of the table, or miles away.

I don't like it when they move us apart

and if I get to the table quick enough,

I will move us back together.

I find me and my partner jump at the chance to sit somewhere else.

-I don't believe you.

-Honestly.

But it is, I think we regard it as a bit of a treat.

I find it very annoying, enforced seating plans.

The worst one is where they go,

-"So, everyone moves along a seat every five minutes."

-Oh, yeah.

Have you had that? Every course you move along

or every ten minutes you move along.

I find boy, girl, boy, girl quite annoying as well.

Like, it doesn't matter, just sit down.

How are you with this kind of thing, Ross?

I meet a lot of strangers through the job,

-some very weird ones occasionally.

-Yeah.

I just met Rowdy, you'd like Rowdy.

-Who's that?

-Rowdy is an Imperial Wizard

-of the Ku Klux Klan.

-Oh, my word.

I think I know him. LAUGHTER

-He's a very, very tall bloke, pointy head.

-Yeah, exactly.

Rowdy was a very scary man.

Yeah, I suppose if you're the Imperial Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan

-you're going to have an edge.

-He was at a wedding?

He had a very long place...

I hate it when someone else wears all white at a wedding!

Yes, anyway, I didn't think we'd be talking about the Klan tonight.

-You never know.

-Every night we talk about the Klan with Rowdy.

I wonder if the Klan have these problems.

They stand around saying, "You know when we had that dinner

"and they made me sit by the Imperial Wizard?

"I don't know him that well."

I bet at the Klan they're looking at the tablecloth and thinking,

"This would make a lovely robe.

"Do you want this after? Are you keeping this?"

Let me show you...

This is a towel which is the cover of Playboy,

and so the idea is you can have it on the beach and you can lie on it

and it makes it like you're on the cover of Playboy.

-Oh!

-Oh!

LAUGHTER

I bought one, and...

Let's see what you think of this.

Just bear with me. Talk amongst yourselves, it's fine.

I'm just glad you're here.

FRANK HUMS A TUNE

It'll all be revealed in a minute.

This is like someone's dad trying to make them have a good time.

It's almost exactly that!

Great!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK. What's upsetting Robert?

APPLAUSE

Look, I don't particularly care that it celebrates the font of all evil,

I don't mind that. It's just the things that it comes with,

all the accoutrements, like trick or treat.

What a nonsense!

I mean, first of all, in my area they come with trick or treat -

who says, "Oh, yes, I'd like a trick"?

Nobody says that. They're teenagers that come,

so I'm always unprepared.

And so they're never terribly amused

when you go into the cupboard and you come back with a custard cream.

That's no good.

And then you say, well, it's got to the stage where I've prepared,

and I've got the little penny sweets and that sort of thing ready,

thinking they'll be children, and they sort of look at you and...

Well, last time I did it, the person wanted my watch!

LAUGHTER

For a judge, you don't seem to be able to recognise

that you're a victim of a mugging.

And so to Richard.

LAUGHTER

Yes.

Fun.

I don't understand it.

I don't know...

..whether it's possible.

And I think, if you describe something as fun,

that's a bad thing.

It trivialises it.

If you think of anything you actually like...

..and if you were to describe it to someone else,

I don't know that you would use the word fun.

It seems to be quite a word

that's only really appropriate for describing a "Wham!" video.

And only some of them.

And, also, every time someone has said, "This is going to be fun,"

you know they're lying.

I mean, if someone says "This will be tolerable..."

..I'd go, "I'm there."

-That's one of my chat-up lines.

-Yeah!

I mean, that, to me, is a boast.

Well, sometimes when you think something's going to be fun,

it absolutely isn't.

Take this, for example.

Are you ready, Gary?

Ready, steady, go!

LAUGHTER

You see, I think that's a very potent symbol

-of how fun often turns out.

-Yeah!

What's upsetting Rob Beckett?

Yeah.

APPLAUSE

It's just so expensive.

And whenever you benefit from it, something bad's happened,

it's all just very negative,

and I think a lot of the time as well, it's like,

you just sort of have it so that if anything does go wrong,

you go, "I didn't have insurance."

"Oh, my God! You should have got insurance,"

where if no-one had insurance, then, like,

I think people would drive more carefully.

-Because then they'd have to pay.

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

Or it might be like Mad Max and either way, it's a laugh.

I just find it...

It's just annoying, like, going on holiday.

I mean, your travel insurance, I bet that's pricey!

Just a bit.

"You going skiing?" "I'm not going skiing,

"but I'm going with a drug cartel."

You can't go skiing with the Klan, you'd never find them!

LAUGHTER

I don't remember there being a mountain range in that direction.

Oh, it's the lads! Come here!

-"It's the lads!"

-I call them the lads...

So, let's see what Frankie has chosen.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I just feel life is hugely overrated.

I know, actually, it's always quite weird,

Scotland comes top of these

"how happy are you with your life?" studies,

and I think that's because researchers

don't really understand sarcasm.

I think... Do you ever just open your eyes in the morning and go,

"Not this again"? You know, if someone said to you,

"We'll going to see a movie that was like the day of your life,"

you know, it's going to be 16 hours long, nothing really happens,

and in the middle the main character has to go for a poo...

..you probably wouldn't go.

And it peaks early.

Life peaks at about 12, maybe,

and then it just starts to get worse and worse.

And I'm now, like, 44,

I've got a body like a dropped lasagne.

Women look at my naked body in the same fearful way

that pensioners look at snow.

LAUGHTER

We're supposed to say, oh, you know,

life is about loving people and being loved in return and that.

I think, really, we're in relationships

because we don't want to die alone,

which is why I've always planned on taking

quite a lot of people with me.

LAUGHTER

You know, if someone gave you a drug that was love,

and warned you what the withdrawal was going to be like,

you wouldn't take it. "Take this, it's amazing,

"but afterwards you're going to feel like you're having

"open heart surgery performed by a swarm of wasps."

You wouldn't do it.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You see, Nicola, you don't get this on A Question Of Sport.

I'll tell you what also I'd put in Room 101 as well -

at the end of a programme, where they say, "Oh, goodbye,"

like anyone cares.

And they say, "Thanks for watching."

No-one's been paying any attention.

But they have to do it, you know, as if it really matters to people.

What?

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE