Episode 8 Room 101

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,

the show where three guests explain

what really winds them up in the hope

that I'll condemn said things to the grim environs of Room 101.

They'll have to argue their case well,

because in each round only one item can be chosen.

The final decision is mine.

Let's meet this week's guests.

Joining me tonight are comedy gold, Diane Morgan,

Olympic gold, Nicola Adams,

and his agents promise me he'll be as good as gold, Frankie Boyle.

So, let us begin.

What is winding up Diane?

APPLAUSE

I think they're quite needy people.

Generally.

Whenever I watch them, I'm never entertained.

That's quite a negative review.

-Isn't it?

-Really?

-Yeah!

-I love it.

There was one... I went to a restaurant,

there was one that was going between the tables, between courses,

and showing you a card trick.

And then he'd finished the card trick, and he'd wait,

and you can't just go...

You've got to go, "Oh, that was good."

How did you do that?

So you feel like they're getting more out of this than you are.

I think it starts with parents giving kids magic sets.

Because if you give a kid a magic set, that's like a starter kit for

-a psychopath, isn't it?

-LAUGHTER

I never had a magic kit, I must admit.

Is it a common gift for children?

-For psychopaths, yeah.

-OK.

It's so boring.

It's like cups and balls, who cares?

Pulling flags out of your sleeve.

I just can't find any enthusiasm for it.

Then there's these sort of sexy magicians.

Oh, the American ones that do that?

So instead of the sparkly leotard,

the women sort of dress like they might work in a dungeon.

That's another thing, isn't it?

The assistants don't get any of the glory.

They're the ones who are just

crouching in boxes for the entire act.

-Or being sawn in half?

-Or being sawn...

Well, no, they're down the bottom of the...

I don't want a ruin it for anyone.

There's two bendy women,

and one of them's crouched in the end of the box,

that's how it's done.

CROWD EXCLAIM

Ah.

They often marry those assistants as well, don't they?

That says a lot about what they want from a woman.

Someone who's prepared to crouch in a box for a few hours.

-And has a twin.

-Yeah.

-LAUGHTER

-Very bendy.

-Yeah.

We're all looking for bendy women, aren't we?

I do like... You know the women in the sparkly leotards,

it takes real confidence, I think,

to think I'm going to finish this trick

and that woman is going to go...

You've got to really believe that it's going to work.

I mean, can you imagine, Frankie, as a comic,

say if I had a woman standing here,

every punch line that I do, she goes...

They'd be those terrible moments when I'd go into the joke,

and she's ready.

And then gets nothing from the audience and she has to go...

It would be that thing as well when you start to lose her

and you look over and she's just sitting there having a fag.

Completely...

I like it.

I must say. When someone comes up to me and starts doing magic,

I do get slightly thrilled by it.

Even if someone disappears in front of me,

I still feel dead inside.

I don't know what it is.

I think it's because I know deep down its not really magic.

See, I'm never completely certain about that.

There's always the possibility for me that they could be magic.

No?

But surely, if you had magic powers,

the last place you would choose to hide them

would be an a magic act?

Unless it's a double bluff.

I'll tell you what I don't like, I don't like up-to-something hands.

Do you know what I mean by that?

Like when magicians hold a card...

Say if there's a card here like this, instead of...

You know, if I pick up a card I do this with it.

There's a card. With magicians there's that sort of...

And I think, they're up to something.

I immediately think they're up to something.

Cos no-one ever went like that.

Have you ever played cards with anyone when they said,

"Hold on, let me just look at my hand?"

I, erm....

The problem is it can be, it's sort of funny when it goes wrong.

Like, one of my favourite clips ever

is a Chinese man making himself disappear.

I don't know if you're familiar with this.

This... Well, this is a Chinese man making himself disappear.

HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

LAUGHTER

Absolutely marvellous!

I think magic's great when it's children.

But when it is an actual... Another guy going,

"Oh, where's the ball gone?"

You're just thinking, "We're both 40.

"And you have hidden a ball from me."

Do you mean children doing it or...

Yeah, children doing it.

But I saw a kid do a funny joke on a magician,

it's quite cruel.

A magician at a kids' party was making a handkerchief disappear,

and he blew on it and it disappeared.

And the kid went, "Oh, does blowing on things

"make them disappear, then?"

And the magician goes, "Yeah." And the kid went...

HE BLOWS

Wow!

I have a clip of some children.

These are German children doing magic.

I actually think this is brilliant.

THEY SPEAK GERMAN

Come on, Diane, that was entertainment!

That wasn't magic though.

I think that they set that up.

I think it is a magic trick.

-What? They set it up?

-I think so.

He made the kid disappear.

The thing is, if they didn't set it up,

we are all laughing at a child being crushed by a bookcase.

Are you familiar with the old rabbit out the hat?

-Yeah.

-OK.

Get off! Get under.

Hold on.

Well, once they get their claws into the lining.

Oh, God.

CROWD GROAN AND LAUGH

So what is winding up Frankie?

CROWD CHEER

Richard Branson.

Who... I can't believe I live in a society

where I'm asked to admire this guy.

A sort of sun-dried Bee Gee

who'll probably only wants to travel into space

so that he can find the rest of his own species.

He's sort of held up by a something for me to admire,

because he self-identifies as a good person.

He said he is an environmentalist and runs an airline.

Saying that he's an environmentalist is like saying that Joseph Stalin

ran skiing holidays.

People say, "Oh, you know, you're jealous of Richard Branson,

"you're jealous of his money."

If I had all his money, what I'd do with it,

is I'd use it to pull that island he lives on

towards Syria.

We've got a thing, we've got some photos of him.

One of his things... As you'd imagine,

a billionaire he's very good at picking up women,

it's what you'd assume.

He's one of the worst celebrities at picking up women.

Here he is with Dita Von Teese.

I accept that one.

That's the sort of traditional fireman's lift.

What about this one? This is Kate Moss.

That's... That looks like somebody's stocktaking at Madame Tussauds.

When he was 65, their website did 65 questions about Richard Branson.

So you could learn more about him.

I'll just give you a quick example.

This is question 12.

Now, I think, what this is, if you're getting up for work at

5:30am it's an absolute sickener.

But if you're getting up to be a billionaire...

Get up early!

You don't want to waste a day.

Cos basically we're all the same when we're asleep.

The minute you wake up, you're a billionaire.

I think that's a great move.

This is the next question.

Who knew?

I thought it was a pun on Doctor No, cos he lived on an island.

Also, is life more interesting when you say yes?

What about if the question is,

"What band would you like to listen to for the next eight hours?"

LAUGHTER

And then this is the last example, this is question 55.

Any ideas?

It surprised me, it's this.

Yeah, because his broadband doesn't work!

Oh, marvellous.

We've got a picture. This is of...

Well, I'm not going to beat around the bush.

This is a dog that looks like Richard Branson.

Actually not bad.

OK, so what's upsetting Nicola?

Yeah.

Is this something you do a lot?

Yeah, well, it always seems to happen when I'm in a rush.

And I'll be packing all my stuff, I'll be quickly going to the gym.

And then I can't find my keys.

And then it makes me late

and it really annoys me because they're always in,

like, a weird place.

So you're sort of absent-minded?

Have you had any blows to the head recently?

It doesn't happen every time!

-It's just like... It seems to happen when I'm in a rush.

-OK.

They just appear. I've found them in the dog's bed.

How they got there, I do not know.

In the dog's bed?

-Yeah.

-What kind of dog is it?

I've got a Doberman and a Pomeranian.

I bet the Doberman had them.

Yeah, the Doberman had the keys.

That's why they call them a Pinscher!

AUDIENCE GROANS

Tough crowd. Tough crowd.

It's amazing we still have keys, don't you think?

You could have like

voice recognition on your doors, couldn't you?

I suppose a lot of drunks

would freeze to death on their own front steps.

That's going to happen anyway.

Have you ever been in those hotels,

I know most hotels they've got the little card,

but the ones with the proper keys where they have a key ring,

an enormous key ring, so you can't possibly lose it.

Have you ever had one of those?

Yeah, but you know what you do with them?

You always take the big part off

so you can get it into your pocket and then...

-Do you?

-Yeah.

-You're really not supposed to do that.

I've got one that I use, which is...

It celebrates one of my favourite clips, it's...

It's the magician running into the door key ring.

And you just don't lose this.

OK. So we've come to the end of that round, I...

I'm worried about putting Richard Branson in,

partly because...

-CROWD:

-Go on!

I'm quite a fan of the Virgin train first-class section.

I also love the bit when it crosses over the border in Scotland,

because that's the moment I know I've got first class to myself.

To hell with it! I'm putting Richard Branson into Room 101.

Right.

Moving on to Diane's next choice.

Microwaves.

Or microwave ovens.

I just don't trust them.

Never have.

They cook food from the inside out.

I don't know why.

It's not natural, is it?

It's a bizarre order of events.

It uses gamma rays, I was reading about these.

These use gamma rays, and I thought,

where have I heard of gamma rays before?

And then I realised, it was the Hulk.

The Incredible Hulk.

Oh, yes?

That must be why I don't like microwaves.

It's one of the great inventions of the last 100 years, isn't it?

-The microwave?

-I think in ten years they'll be saying,

"Oh, my God, I can't believe that people used to use microwave ovens."

I think with kids, you've kind of got to use them though, haven't you?

Because you've got to get some calories into these monsters.

And you can't be going, "Well, you guys chop the parsley?

"I'll get the mushrooms." You know, you've just got to slam some, like,

pasta ready meal into a microwave

and then just scrape it into their faces.

Before they go insane.

But you could use a saucepan, it will take 20 minutes.

I've not got 20 minutes.

I've got like two minutes, tops.

At certain points you need a microwave.

Exactly, you can't get the slow cooker out for kids.

"Just sit down, do some crayoning for eight hours.

"And we'll all gather around."

Nothing tastes better having come out of a microwave.

I don't need it... I just want it to taste warmer.

You can use a hair dryer for that.

Funny you should say that, what about this as a method.

This is how to heat a slice of pizza in a hotel room.

Would you rather do that?

I'd rather do that than a microwave.

-OK.

-What about these onion rings?

That looks safe!

See, I like the fact that with a microwave I can do my exercises and

the ding goes off and then I can just get my food.

I know the time's done.

How long do your exercises take?

I do, like, a two-minute thing, and I'll do my press-ups and my sit-ups,

and I know I've done two minutes

when the ding goes off and then I get my food.

-That is perfect.

-It's like a workout before my meal.

-See.

-Set a timer!

But then you don't get food at the end of it.

You don't get the motivation.

You don't get radioactive food.

Yeah, but if Nicola had a slow cooker,

she'd be absolutely wrecked by the time her food was there.

OK, so to Frankie.

Celebrity atheists. I am an atheist.

But I don't like celebrity atheists. I was a very bad Catholic.

Unless you include my attitude to condoms,

in which case I was an amazing Catholic.

But I don't like the judgmental nature of celebrity atheists,

I think religions... Some religions have done good things.

The Quakers fought against the Vietnam War,

liberation theology in Central America.

Those people got killed standing up for poor people,

and what's the reward?

To be looked down on by Ricky Gervais.

LAUGHTER

I don't need Ricky Gervais to tell me that God doesn't exist

when I watched Derek get recommissioned twice.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I just sort of think,

you know, we all need something to get through.

And why stand in judgment on what other people need?

So Ricky Gervais, or Richard Dawkins, or whoever,

they need re-tweets, or whatever they need.

And other people need different things.

I just feel the whole thing sort of...

The whole thing's a bit religious.

You know, so it's the idea of certainty, to me, is very religious.

The idea of judgment is very religious and it's blaming God.

It's blaming religion.

They go, "Oh, religion causes violence."

OK, some violence is caused by religion,

some violence is caused by lager.

Some violence is caused by people cheating at pool.

But at the moment when you go, I'm blaming that on God,

that's like you don't get any mayonnaise in your Chicken Zinger,

and you blame it on Colonel Sanders.

I can sense Nicola here thinking,

"What's wrong with violence all of a sudden?"

Well, this is a difficult one for me.

I am a practising Roman Catholic,

so I'm sort of against celebrity atheists for other reasons than you.

I mean, I don't mind anyone being an atheist,

that's sort of a little bit more elbow room in paradise for me.

But I think what's happened is being an atheist,

or a celebrity atheist is incredibly cool.

And it's also, sort of,

associated with science and all that.

So it's like that all the intelligent people, you know,

like Stephen Fry and Dawkins, they're all atheists.

So it's like there's an elite gentlemen's club

with Dawkins and Stephen Fry sitting chatting.

And I'm in Julie's Pantry with Cliff Richard.

It's a bit like, you know when a toddler goes,

"Oh, I think I saw a fairy. Is that a fairy?"

And you go, "No, it's just a moth."

And then you tweet all day about how it's just a moth,

and you write a book about how it's just a moth.

It's like, nobody asked you people to do this.

Nobody asked Ricky Gervais to do this.

It's like one of those people,

you know those people who used to direct you

into a parking space without being asked?

Like, come on, mate. You've just taken this on yourself.

Here's a Stephen Fry quote which probably sums it all up.

He said...

Stephen Fry.

He certainly will.

LAUGHTER

OK, and so to Nicola.

This is exactly the reason.

-What?

-Like you can never look good.

I mean, you've got to wrap up.

It's cold.

It's always raining.

You know, it's not me. I'm a summer person.

Summer clothes.

It's hard to look good in winter.

I suspect the reason for this is, if you don't mind me saying,

that you're in great shape.

-And you don't want to hide that away. Is that right?

-Exactly.

Yeah. OK.

I mean, I understand that.

We have a picture of you in your...

AUDIENCE WHOOP

Well, exactly. I used to have quite a flat stomach.

In the '90s.

And every picture of me that was taken, I used to get it out.

I was so pleased.

This is just a standard paparazzi shot.

And as soon as... Look.

I was so happy with that.

But now I look forward to it.

You can take it down now.

I look forward to winter now at my age.

The more multilayers, the better.

I think boxers are famous for their style, for their fashion.

So we've got a few to look at.

That's Mike Tyson.

That looks like he's leaned on something and people...

-Yeah!

-It just shows you how little people can tell him the truth.

LAUGHTER

"Is this a nice jacket?" "Sure, Mike."

And this is, this is Chris Eubank.

That's pretty cool.

-No?

-No.

-You don't like that?

Why is he wearing the monocle thing?

Like, what's that about?

Because I think it's fair to say, he's slightly eccentric.

Have you met Chris Eubank?

-Yeah.

-How was it?

-How did it go?

-It was an experience.

I met Chris Eubank at a film premiere.

Did he shake your hand?

-Yes.

-Did he squeeze it really, really hard?

-No.

-No, he probably wouldn't with you.

I think with men he really, really squeezes your hand.

Very, very tight indeed, just to prove he is...

See, I'm funny with handshakes,

I don't like when people squeeze my hand really tight.

No. I didn't like it.

It's your tools, isn't it?

I saw him shake hands with Jeff Goldblum,

you know Jeff Goldblum, the actor.

And he really squeezed it and Jeff Goldblum was doing...

And you know Jeff Goldblum speaks in a slightly...

And he's going,

AS JEFF GOLDBLUM: "That is... Erm... Hurting me."

OK, so at the end of that round...

Microwaves, I'm completely dependent on.

I've almost abandoned all other forms of cooking.

I don't mind going blind in one eye if I get a meat pie in two minutes.

Well, you know what, I can talk about winter clothes forever,

but I'm still putting celebrity atheists into Room 101.

Right, we've got time to make a bonus choice,

so let's see what Frankie has chosen.

I just feel life is hugely overrated.

I know... Actually, it's always quite weird Scotland

comes top of these "how happy are you with your life?" studies.

And I think that's because

researchers don't really understand sarcasm.

But I think, do you ever just open your eyes in the morning and go,

"Not this again."

If someone said to you,

"Oh, we'll go and see a movie that was, like, the day of your life."

You know, it's going to be 16 hours long.

Nothing really happens,

and in the middle the main character has to go for a poo.

LAUGHTER

You probably wouldn't go.

It peaks early.

Life peaks at about 12, maybe,

and then it just starts to get worse and worse, and I'm now, like, 44.

I've got a body like a dropped lasagne.

Women look at my naked body

in the same fearful way that pensioners look at snow.

And we've all just got to, kind of, we've got to make it through.

Having had the high points of life already, you know,

by the time you reach a certain age you've heard your favourite song,

you've met the person you love the most, there's nobody who is 65,

sitting about going,

"Oh, that Angry Birds movie is the film I've waited all my life for."

And there's almost no consolation.

So we're supposed to say, "Oh, you know, life is about love,

"loving people and being loved in return."

And that, and I think, really,

we're in relationships because we don't want to die alone.

Which is why I've always planned

on taking quite a lot of people with me.

You know, if someone gave you a drug that was love,

and warned you what the withdrawal was going to be like,

you wouldn't take it.

If someone said, "Take this, it's amazing,

"but afterwards you're going to feel like you're having

"open heart surgery performed by a swarm of wasps."

LAUGHTER

You wouldn't do it.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You see, Nicola, you don't get this on A Question Of Sport.

I mean, we're having a lovely time, aren't we?

Professional comedians and all that.

This is, sort of, just a distraction for it, isn't it?

-For people.

-What is? Life?

No, this show, you know.

Maybe it's just me, but I...

I'm quite chirpy about at all.

Like, for example, here's a thing, I'm right-handed.

And so cutting the nails on my right hand, with my left hand,

I find quite tricky.

So what I do, I do that hand first,

and then I've got the easy bit to look forward to.

And I think that's how you have to construct life.

So you're always... Deferred gratification,

you're always looking forward to the next peak.

That was like Buddha.

Thanks very much.

But I mean, it's probably better than death? Is it?

Oh, a lot better.

To be honest, I was just having a hard week

when they asked me to choose the thing.

For some people, I think you'd agree,

life seems... Everything seems to go perfectly for them.

Wouldn't you say? You know those sort of people.

You take this crowd surfer.

I know what you're thinking, it might well be full of urine.

Well, look, it doesn't matter what I think, Frankie,

it's your bonus choice. It's going into Room 101.

And that brings us to the end of the show.

Well done, Frankie, you were the most persuasive guest,

so you are this week's winner.

APPLAUSE

Thanks very much, Frankie Boyle, Diane Morgan and Nicola Adams.

And thank you, good night.