Episode 7 Room 101

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,

the show where three guests compete to have their biggest bugbears

banished forever to the dreaded vaults.

They'll have to argue their case well, because in each round

only one item can be chosen.

The final decision is mine. Let's meet this week's guests.

Joining me tonight are acting dynasty Laurence Fox,

acting suspiciously Rob Delaney,

and acting like she's actually concerned

when someone breaks their leg on The Jump, Davina McCall.

APPLAUSE

Right then, let's get ready to grumble.

It is the first round,

and I want to find out what is winding up Davina McCall.

Women who tell other women about their terrible births.

-I'm already annoyed.

-Yeah?

Because, honestly, when I was pregnant,

and especially with my first child,

and I didn't know about this condition that happens,

that other woman have the need to tell you -

but when I was obviously pregnant,

and it wouldn't necessarily even just be friends of mine,

it could be complete strangers in a supermarket, out on the streets.

They'd come up and go, "Oh, you're pregnant.

"Can I... Lovely, oh! It's so sweet. When are you due?"

"About four weeks." "Amazing. I had a TERRIBLE birth.

"It was terrible!

-"I split from here to here!"

-LAUGHTER

"And my waters broke in Sainsbury's,

"and everybody saw and then they had forceps and..."

-Oh, man.

-I just think, "Look, I've had my babies,

"the shop shut, I'm not going to have any more.

"I'm over. Tell me, tell me now.

"I'm ready, don't tell the pregnant ladies.

"I'll listen. You know, I've got a good ear for that."

I think it's like getting drunk, though,

you can't remember how bad the hangover was.

My partner said to me, "No matter how much pain I'm in,

"and how much I beg for it, do not let me have an epidural,

-"under any circumstances.'

-And what did you do?

She said, "If I'm screaming at you, 'I want an epidural,'

"I need you to say no, because I don't want..."

And I said, "OK." She said, "You promise me? I said, "I promise."

So we got there, she was in labour, in quite a bit of pain,

and she said to me, "I want an epidural now!"

And the thought of saying...

LAUGHTER

"If you think back...

"I think we agreed."

The thought of that never crossed my mind for one second.

I mean, I've got to say, you know, even though it is painful,

it is an incredible experience,

and I actually feel quite sorry for men,

that they don't get to experience this amazing thing

of giving birth to a human life. It's incredible.

You're all right. LAUGHTER

Plus, you can't tell a pregnant woman, like, you know,

what you're putting on top of a pizza as you're preparing it

without them murdering you.

-Yes.

-They're insane.

-Yes!

-Exactly.

-So why tell a pregnant woman anything bad at all?

Yeah, exactly.

Everything's bad and emotional and difficult and scary and...

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Well, I had that...

Not everyone is blessed with this,

but I have actually had that, sort of,

3am drive to the hospital, which is very exciting.

The waters had already gone.

I was a bit edgy about the upholstery.

LAUGHTER

We had a towel. And she was, er...

honestly, in the passenger seat going...

HE STRAINS

And so I'm driving like this. It's like a movie.

And she's going to me, "You should've gone left!

"You should've gone left, you idiot!"

I thought, "This is like the worst sat nav..."

LAUGHTER "..of all time!"

I was sent back to go, we went down to get the baby checked out,

he was the wrong way around, and they were like,

"We've got to get the baby out by emergency Caesarean now.

"Go, and we'll do it in 20 minutes."

And I was like, "But we don't have any of the stuff."

And I went home with my eldest son, got home,

and said, "You wait in the car. I'll go inside and get stuff."

And he didn't wait in the car.

He went out into the garden, picked up a brick, threw it in the air...

-Oh, my God.

-..and it landed on his head.

LAUGHTER

So I run outside and say, "Let's get back in the car.

"What happened to your face?"

And he's just covered in blood.

The second child was given birth to in one building,

and I was getting the other one stitched up in A&E!

LAUGHTER

But respect to him for getting attention on...

-LAUGHTER

-Yes!

Of course, one can make light of the whole pregnancy thing.

This couple have sort of tried a basketball theme.

Look!

Oh, no!

No. No?

-No.

-I like it better than the couple who did the baseball themed one.

Oh!

-No!

-I don't think they're together.

That's from my country.

That's where I'm from!

LAUGHTER

Anyway. What's winding up Rob Delaney?

-Why?

-Because it's not real.

I mean...

It's a thing, I know it exists, but it...

The world is such a filthy, suppurating toilet,

that there is nothing you can do,

and you don't need to be marketed some crazy thing

that they invented 20 minutes ago when soap and water does a fine job.

So, basically,

the fact that they're trying to make us buy it and carry it around -

you can put it on your belt loop now -

just enrages me.

Really. I have three little kids - a five-year-old, three-year-old,

and a one-year-old - so I live in filth.

LAUGHTER

I don't get any sicker than the next guy.

My wife is a teacher, so she's around other scummy children.

-LAUGHTER

-And it's just...

It's just silly.

Yes, germs exist, but -

I was talking to a doctor friend of mine recently.

Usually, when we get sick

it's cos of just stuff that's inside our own bodies

that decides to present itself.

What, are you going to drink the hand sanitiser?

So I say no.

I'm not saying no to hygiene.

I'm saying no to the unnecessary, very recent invention

of like, "Soap II". Or whatever.

It's so silly.

APPLAUSE

Apparently your average hand sanitiser is like 65% alcohol,

which is three times more than vodka.

Now, I'm a recovering alcoholic,

it would be safer for me to have human excrement on my hands.

LAUGHTER

And that is certainly the path I've chosen.

But, also, you know, you get...

..more healthy the more dirty you let kids be.

They all say nowadays that the reason kids get sick all the time

is because we're all so clean. We're too clean.

I mean, the first time we get on the tube with my kids,

you know, I make them lick a pole.

LAUGHTER

So that we don't have to go and get jabs.

What about in hospital?

What about when you have to go into a hospital ward

and they have the hand sanitiser outside the hospital?

That's fine. When the NHS says, use this, OK, then it's a good idea,

but when it's your friend Rick

being like, "Eurgh, I touched a doorknob",

-shut up!

-LAUGHTER

When I got to about 17

I had my first suit and I found that when I wore a suit and tie

people responded very differently to me.

I find the same thing when I wear rubber gloves.

I find people are...

..uneasy about people in rubber gloves in public places.

And I don't think that's really an option.

One thing I tried - do you remember these thimbles?

You used to see them in post offices for money counting.

So these are very...

If you wear one of these, very good for, like, pelican crossing buttons.

Doorbells.

And, also, I get asked to start

a lot of elaborate domino effect demonstrations.

LAUGHTER

And you never know who's been pushing those dominoes.

So I'd recommend these.

I'm a Catholic, so this is it for me.

But...

They are ribbed for extra stimulation.

I have a special method for urinals,

because I am quite sensitive about cleanliness.

I used to live with a laboratory scientist,

and this is what they recommended.

And I have to say, it does work.

It's cumbersome, but it gives you real confidence.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

You've got to warm the gloves up a bit.

But I find myself standing at the urinal like this, you know.

It's a good thing.

800 quid, that cost.

LAUGHTER

OK. So, what's winding up Laurence?

Cats!

Yeah. And I really don't mind offending

half of the population of this country. I hate cats.

My first memory in life is my grandmother saying to me,

"Don't go near the cat."

My second memory in life is the blood gushing out of my mouth.

I don't like them. I think they all look at us like they rule the world.

I'm scared of them.

I hate them.

The last time I saw a cat - I have a scar,

and it was eight months ago, the last cat I stroked.

I hate them. Hate them!

I like dogs. Dogs listen.

Dogs are your friend. Dogs look at you and go,

"Hey, man, I missed you when you were at work."

Cats wouldn't do that. Horrible things.

Can I say that cats rarely tear human beings to pieces,

which is one of the dogs' minus points.

-I would say.

-What, a dog...?

A dog will attack a human.

No, dogs just get bad press.

That is, you know, if cats were bigger, they'd kill.

Would you go and have a lie down with a tiger?

I think tigers have proved that. LAUGHTER

What do they do that's good?

Dogs can walk people around when you're blind,

dogs can, you know, my dogs, I use as burglar alarms.

Because they're cheaper.

-What do cats do?

-You're right, though,

a guide cat for the blind would be a real...

There'd be some bloke being dragged across gardens and over fences.

Firemen having to get a blind person out of a tree.

This is a cat that...

..obviously had some sort of ill fortune previously.

LAUGHTER

I think there'll be goldfish watching this show thinking,

"But cats always look like that."

Do you know the thing that cats are scared of cucumbers?

Are they? Goes home, buys cucumber.

Yeah, they are.

That is an internet theory, that they are scared of cucumbers.

In what way? How?

I'll give you an example. This is the Are Cats Scared Of Cucumbers?

This is the evidence.

-Case closed.

-Oh, my God!

So we come to the end of that round,

I certainly am not keen on people

telling their terrible birth stories,

but I do think that that is an urge.

I mean, this is why we watch One Born Every Minute.

-It's one that must be suppressed.

-Yes.

Hand sanitiser I have used.

I would be a hypocrite, I think, to put it in.

I haven't quite got over the idea that you can wash your hands

without a tap.

It just seems like magic to me.

Cats, however, are horrible.

-I'm putting them into Room 101.

-Yeah!

Well done. Well done.

Onto the next round and it's Davina's turn to have a whinge.

People who order starters. Thank you.

Yes!

There's some grumbling going on,

I knew it could possibly be controversial.

-But...

-You can spot the people who definitely do.

My thing is...

..that, firstly, if you go out for dinner,

portions are so massive

you don't really need a starter and a main course,

and if somebody is eating with me, I will not order a starter.

I will just have a main course, and then they go,

"Are you having a starter?"

And I go - this is actually my husband,

and I go, "No, I'm not going to have a starter.

"So you're not going to have a starter, are you?"

And he'll go, "I'm just going to have...

"I think I am, actually. I'm going to have this little starter here.

"This one." And I go, "Please don't have a starter, because literally,

"I'm going to eat your arm in a minute if I don't get some food.

"And they're not going to bring out the main course,

"they're not going to be cooking it until you've finished your starter."

And he's like, "No, no, they will be.

"They'll be cooking it while I'm eating."

I say, "No, you've never worked in a restaurant.

"I worked in a restaurant for two years.

"They are waiting to clear the table before they start the starter."

And by the time he's finished his starter

I've demolished the breadbasket, I hate myself.

I hate myself, and I'm no longer hungry.

So people who order starters are going in Room 101, right now.

-Hear, hear.

-Thank you, Laurence.

It would be a less popular show if we did it like that.

I have do confess to forcing someone to - saying to the waiter,

"Can you bring them both at the same time, please?

-"Bring them both at the same time, please."

-That's what I do.

"No, do have a starter, do have a starter,

"we'd like them both at the same time,

"everything at the same time, now, please. Thank you, please.

-"Very, very hungry."

-I do that.

And that brings out the worst in me.

The hunger!

When I've got the hunger, don't mess with me.

Bread kills it. And chips kill it as well.

Because then, also, your kids, I'm going on holiday with the kids,

and they only eat bread and chips, and then you wonder,

when was the last time the kids went to the toilet?

It was Monday, wasn't it?

It was Monday.

What I don't like about my fellow contestants

is that if you added the two of them together

they'd weigh a little less than me.

Because I'm good at eating.

I want the starter. I want the main.

I want a side or two, then I want a dessert.

Then I'll finish before you cos I eat like a hoover,

and then I'm going to get mad at you if you continue to eat your food

without offering it to me.

That's where I'm at.

APPLAUSE

I think I agree with you - but I always order a starter.

-Do you?

-Because I'm a little bit frightened of waiters.

And I find if a waiter, if I order a main course,

say, "I'll have the chilli con carne, please."

And he'll say, "Do you want a starter?"

And I'll go, "No, I won't have a starter."

And they go, "Oh!"

I can't cope with that.

I don't know if they're on commission or what?

They have to shift the prawn cocktail.

Exactly. I do get very intimidated, I think, still, in posh restaurants.

The first time I ever went to a posh restaurant

was a place called Christopher's in Covent Garden.

I ordered steak tartare and said, "Could I have it well done?"

And those of you who didn't get that, that's where I was.

I had no idea.

And people, they didn't just laugh on my table,

people on other tables were laughing.

OK, and, so, what's upsetting Rob?

That's a good pet hate, I must say.

What have you got against them, Rob?

Because I think, I listen to guitar music all day, every day -

and everybody loves a guitar, but I think six strings is usually enough.

Whenever it's 12 strings it's only for singing about fairies

and a county fair and a maiden.

And you are accompanied by bells.

I think - not that they shouldn't exist,

but if you're going to use one

I think you should have two apply for a special licence,

because whenever I see somebody playing one I just think,

"Who do you think you are, you minstrel?"

It's just...

Why do you need...

Justify your use of those extra...

..six, silly little dingly, dangly... No.

So, they make me angry.

I can see the studio audience shares my anger.

LAUGHTER

I mean, if you're Jimmy Page,

singing a led Zeppelin song about hobbits,

you need 12 strings.

But if you're my roommate, you don't need...

You don't need any strings, go away.

There will be people are watching this who aren't really aware...

of the 12 string guitar, I have one with me.

So this is a 12 string guitar, and it does sound...

-Oh, my God, he's going to play for us.

-I'm not going to play anything,

because I think there is far too many strings.

Oh, he agrees.

Just...

STRUMS GUITAR

# Well, I was wandering... #

LAUGHTER

What? You can't...

There's that lovely sort of a...

They have that lovely tuning, the Nashville tuning,

using all the higher strings of the 12 string,

they put it on a six string.

So you can play a six string with the high 12 string strings

and it sounds gorgeous with...

-I don't know what you're talking about.

-No.

Can you play each individual string individually,

or do you play two at a time?

You can play each individual string...

but only like this.

It's also less practical in urinals.

I should say, that wasn't my guitar, we borrowed it.

So...

It's... It is a bit of a strange instrument.

I can think of a stranger one.

This is...

Well, I won't tell you what it's called, see if you can guess.

HIGH-PITCHED ELECTRONIC HUM

That's actually called a badgermin.

LAUGHTER

So it's a theremin made out of a dead badger.

-What do you think?

-I didn't like...

I didn't like the look on the guy's face playing it.

I think that is the conventional expression to take

when you're playing a badgermin.

OK. What's upsetting Laurence Fox?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Cyclists in Lycra!

I'd like to differentiate between Boris bike users,

and people who have those lovely bikes,

you know, the really expensive ones that...

..are not racers.

Again, it's about me, selfishly.

But I was crossing the road to go to the theatre

between a matinee and an evening performance of a show,

and it was the only time I got to hang out with my eldest son,

at that point. And I was crossing the road,

and this dude dressed like a fat Lance Armstrong...

LAUGHTER

..comes caning across the road.

And nearly took his head off, really.

You know, I hate them all.

The ones that dress like they are in the Tour de France.

I call them two-wheeled road fascists.

And I hate them from the bottom of my heart.

I'd like to add a caveat.

-OK.

-Could you possibly say...

..two-wheeled fascists in cities?

No, because when I lived in the countryside, on a Saturday morning,

this is going to sound even more posh, sorry.

But I had a horse, right.

-I had a horse.

-LAUGHTER

I don't care.

I don't mind admitting it, I had a horse.

And I would take my horse, he was a bit nuts, to be fair, he had issues,

and I would take my horse up the road.

And these fascists would come in their droves, like, three abreast,

racing each other in some imaginary race

that they invented that morning.

I love people who take pride and love in their bikes,

and they sedately and serenely go about,

and if I had my say,

London would be closed to cars for a good mile and a half

from the centre. But not these dudes, seriously.

You know, have sex.

LAUGHTER

You don't need to cycle.

It's fine.

Something happened, didn't it, with the bicycle?

Because when I was a young man,

the bicycle was very much the home of gentle, kind...

Baskets.

This is Philip Larkin, one of our great poets,

now this is what cycling used to be like.

'Whenever I saw a church I used to stop and look inside.

'It was a nice excuse for stopping.

'I like going into them.

'I know very little about them,

'but I always welcome the feeling I have going into a church.

'In the end I began to try to write about it.'

That's what cyclists used to be like.

Lovely, gentle people.

And then, I'll tell you what happened, Team GB.

-Oh, really?

-Yes, and all those hairy guys

that used to pump iron at the weekend saw cycling,

that looks like a real macho activity.

And then you see these people, as you say,

if someone's cycling 50 miles I don't mind them wearing Lycra,

but you see people going to work, and you know, in their head,

they are in the velodrome.

LAUGHTER

I used to do horse riding in North Finchley, and I must admit,

when I was on the horse - I was a big fan of Westerns -

and in my head all I could hear was...

MUSIC: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly Theme Tune

OK, which is fine, so I fantasise,

as these men fantasise about being in big races.

But I didn't dress up.

I didn't wear a cowboy outfit.

-But that's practicality.

-It's not, it's fancy dress.

-It is practicality.

-Not with all the garb on.

Not with the, like, yellow jerseys.

Look, I don't mind watching a bit of Formula 1,

but when I drive to work I tend not to wear a fireproof jumpsuit...

LAUGHTER

..and a full-face crash helmet.

But if you were in a Formula 1 race car you would.

-Have you ever seen a naked bike ride...?

-No, what?

I think we're going to see it now.

Somebody say yes. Where is this?

I saw it, this is a picture of the naked bike ride.

Oh, my God!

-This is a thing?

-That's the guy playing the badger thing!

LAUGHTER

Hold on, there's the badger... Oh, no.

Where is that?

-Well, I saw them going across Waterloo Bridge...

-Stop it!

It's actually a beautiful sight.

There's all shapes and sizes and ages, it really symbolised freedom,

-I thought.

-None of them on racers though, are they?

But there was a guy with his family standing behind me.

I was looking at them thinking, this is brilliant.

There was a guy with his family, and I heard him say, "Weirdos."

And I thought, this is what life is all about.

You have to decide whether you're with the naked bike riders,

or whether you're with that bloke.

-Now, I'm with the naked bike riders.

-Yeah.

APPLAUSE

I don't think I can put in 12 string guitars,

because although they are, let's say, cluttered.

People do make them sound nice, as well.

And I like a bit of wizard...

..riding a unicorn type beauty.

-I think that's...

-That's its proper application, I'm just saying,

you know, if people use them willy-nilly.

That's just wasteful.

I wouldn't want to lose that genre, wizard rock.

I do understand the starters thing,

I think it is a bit of a waste of time, really.

It just makes you leave your main course.

But, often, they are better than main courses across the world.

And if I accidentally put poppadoms into Room 101,

I don't know what I'd do with myself.

I really have a problem with these cyclists in Lycra,

turning cycling into a butch activity

instead of a beautiful Philip Larkin type activity.

So you know what, I am going to put cyclists in Lycra, brackets male,

into Room 101.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done.

And that brings us to the end of the show.

Well done, Laurence, you were the most persuasive guests,

so you are this week's winner.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And thanks very much, Rob Delaney, Davina McCall and Laurence Fox.

And thank you, goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE