Episode 6 Room 101

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,

the show where three guests compete

to condemn their deepest dislikes to the dreadful Room 101.

They'll have to argue their case well because in each round,

only one item can be chosen. The final decision is mine.

Let's meet this week's guests.

Joining me tonight are King of the North, Alun Cochrane,

Queen of the South, Gabby Logan,

and Richard the Nerd, Richard Ayoade.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, let's get ready to grumble. LAUGHTER

And let's see what's upsetting Gabby Logan.

Half and half football scarves, Frank.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Whoo!

-Yeah, they are a recent phenomena.

I would say it's only in the last six or seven seasons

-that they have become a thing.

-Mm.

-To the point now,

where there is almost not a Premier League fixture that goes by

where people don't feel the need to be peddling and, therefore,

other people buying these half and half scarves.

I've tried hard to work out if there is a justification,

if there is a reason why they should exist

and I shouldn't be quite so angry about them.

I can't think of anything.

The whole point of football is to be parochial, to be tribal,

to be committed to a team in your area and it's just wishy-washy,

it's indecisive, it shows a lack of commitment and they've got to go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I mean, some people could argue, I suppose,

that it suggests a lack of aggression and that partisan thing

and there's love in the room.

I love both these teams, I want them both to play well.

But I hate that idea.

-Can I just check...? Sorry.

-LAUGHTER

-Are these things mocked up on a match by match basis?

-Yes.

-So, what's your knitwear bill?

-LAUGHTER

I just can't think of anybody who'd grow up in Liverpool

and be a massive Red - that's a Liverpool fan.

-OK, not a commie.

-No.

-LAUGHTER

-But they could be both.

-OK.

-They could be both.

Do you get any commie-fascist scarves?

LAUGHTER

They go, "I don't know, they both seem extreme ideologies."

Liverpool, actually, have got

the best half and half scarf I've ever seen, which is this one.

LAUGHTER

-That, I find acceptable.

-Because what that means, Richard...

-Thank you.

-It says there are only two teams

-and actually, there IS another team. It's called Everton.

-Shut up!

-Yep.

LAUGHTER

-For the same town?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-They're good, aren't they?

LAUGHTER

It's strange, to me, that they've gone for the scarf

as the half and half souvenir of knitwear.

You'd think gloves would lend themselves.

LAUGHTER

Because then any surplus that are not sold could be rematched

-to an opposite for a future Liverpool or United game.

-Yes.

-And thus, they cut down on waste.

-That is better.

I've got a towel, which has got two halves - white and...

..and not white.

-And it's got "FACE" on one side.

-Oh...

-And I can't re...

I think ELBOW on the other, I always get those mixed up.

But anyway, you use it accordingly.

Which, at least, has got a practical message behind it.

The thing is, these great rivalries that we have in football

in this country, obviously, the local derby rivalries,

Newcastle against Sunderland, you've got, in Scotland,

-Glasgow Rangers against Glasgow Celtic.

-Ooh.

Liverpool, Everton. And the idea that you would have...

OK, say Aston Villa go back to the Premier League, OK.

LAUGHTER

The idea that you'd have a scarf that has Aston Villa on one side

and West Bromwich Albion on the other must fill you with delight,

-the idea of wearing that.

-Well, it's not dissimilar to this.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

What do you think about this version of the half and half?

This is a sort of romantic version.

-Ah.

-OK.

-"Together since 2014."

To me, that looks like, "Together since she was 14."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And if it started when he was 20, you should not be applauding that.

No. LAUGHTER

The problem with that, though,

is if he wears it to five-a-side and she's busy, it just looks weird.

-No, I didn't mention his name is Paul Together.

-Oh, OK.

There's a song Paul Together Now.

LAUGHTER

See, I've got twins and one's an Arsenal fan and one's a Spurs fan.

-They couldn't have, you know...

-So, you've got half and half children!

-Yeah.

-And you mind a scarf.

But the idea that they would get together and have a scarf made.

-Right.

-No way, no way.

Well, I went to West Brom-Manchester City

and they lost 4-0 at home to Manchester City

and there was a period when we actually had the ball for a bit

and the fans started going,

# We've got the ball We've got the ball

# We've got the... We've lost the ball. #

They kept that going for about 20 minutes.

It puts tremendous pressure on the players, I think.

I feel that should be the theme song of football.

LAUGHTER

-It's basically football commentary...

-Yeah.

..melted down to a quintessence.

That's the haiku version of football.

LAUGHTER

So, what's upsetting Richard?

Audiences cheering...

LAUGHTER

I mean, that could be enough,

but audiences cheering at the name of the town in which they reside.

LAUGHTER

I don't quite... I just don't see why you need to emit that sound.

I'm from Ipswich, so, obviously, I can't emit joy.

LAUGHTER

So, it seems very strange to me. I've never understood it.

-You say, "Hull."

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Yay!

LAUGHTER

It seems odd. I don't know what I'm meant to do with that information.

Are you happy about Hull?

You're happy. OK.

LAUGHTER

-I think it's a form of missionary work.

-OK.

It's that man saying,

"You probably think it's terrible coming from Hull."

-No, it's all right.

-"When, in fact, it's, hey."

-OK.

-I think he's selling Hull as a concept.

-Right.

Yeah, I mean, it's not a LONG pitch for Hull.

LAUGHTER

It makes me feel like everyone's been hypnotised and someone's said,

"When your town's name is mentioned,

"obviously you'll have to go, 'Yay.'" And someone's gone...

And they've never been snapped back out of it.

It would make life difficult.

I mean, you obviously stand up and, you know,

perform in front of an audience.

You all do that and, actually, it's the easiest way

to get a few people on side, to just mention a town.

Look, let's specify here,

because I feel we're maybe getting off on the wrong foot.

I'm not talking about the response to a specific enquiry

addressed to an audience as to where they live.

"Hooray," is a fine response.

We can't all say, "Nine of us are from Preston."

-A FEW AUDIENCE MEMBERS:

-Yay!

-Thank you.

What I find odd is the mere mention of the name,

in a Pavlovian sense, eliciting a "Hooray".

That seems odd because why should that only exist in crowds?

You should follow it through any time, when you're on your own,

if you see it on a map. Any time, then say it.

It would be odd if you were on your own, though,

and you were watching the news and, "This evening,

"we're bringing you news of a fatal accident in Hull." Yay!

LAUGHTER

If you're going to do it, follow it through.

Don't just do it cos you're in a public place.

Yeah, I think you could have a clause,

"Not after the announcement of a fatal accident."

That would be reasonable.

The thing is, when I first started in comedy,

which was...before the old king died...

LAUGHTER

..I'd say, "What do you do?" And people would say,

"I'm a plumber" or something of that nature, and now they say to me,

"I'm a consultative HR area managerial cooperative officer."

-Yeah.

-And then I say, "Where are you from?" And they say, "Ipswich."

And I say, "Did you come on a tractor?" It gets a big laugh.

-Yeah.

-LAUGHTER

-It's a tough business, Richard.

-Yeah.

It's more the spontaneous whoop when a town is mentioned

and also, it's existing in a group dynamic

because, conversationally,

if I were to say, "I went to Ipswich," and you went, "Yay!",

-in a group of less than four...

-Yeah.

I don't know when it becomes all right to say, "Yay".

-Is there a critical mass?

-What if it was just me and you talking?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, just mention Ipswich.

-OK.

-I did this gig in Ipswich...

-Yay!

LAUGHTER

OK, so what's upsetting Alun?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Advice, Frank, is what I'd like to put in Room 101 cos I think...

Maybe I'm arrogant, but when people say,

"I've got some advice for you," I often just think, "No."

LAUGHTER

No, don't bother. But a lot of advice is terrible.

Like, when you tot it up, a whole life,

there's probably about three bits that are any use

and one of them's yellow snow.

LAUGHTER

And the rest of it I just think is waffle, just bad, bad advice.

A friend told me that he was told, when he was younger,

dress for the job you want, not for the job you've got.

Have you heard that? That's apparently business advice.

And people think it's good. It's not.

He is serving a custodial sentence

for repeatedly impersonating a police officer.

LAUGHTER

I think it's bad advice.

I'm trying to remember if I've ever given Alun any advice.

-Have I?

-I don't think so.

Cos comedians do, especially, you know, elder statesmen comics,

like myself, sometimes.

I remember an American comic,

he said, "I'll tell you something about stand-up comedy,"

and I thought, "This could be handy."

He said, "Always take your wallet on stage."

LAUGHTER

-Sensible.

-Yeah.

And another guy, an English magician, actually,

and he said to me, "I'll tell you something." I was very new.

He said, "I'll tell you something, Frank.

"When you get a BMW - and you will..."

LAUGHTER

"..get power-assisted steering."

LAUGHTER

That is the comedy advice that I've had. In my whole career, that's it.

My dad was big on advice, my dad.

He told me to keep salt in my pocket,

so that if anyone approached me after dark in the street,

I should throw it in their faces.

LAUGHTER

See, I think that's good advice.

I'm going to make that four...

LAUGHTER

-Yeah.

-..that you get in a whole lifetime.

And also, if you need to grit snow at short notice.

LAUGHTER

He even told me the method.

He said what you would do if someone came over

and said, "Give me your wristwatch,"

you'd go, "Oh, look I don't want any trouble, I'll just... Ha-ha!"

And then you'd get the salt. LAUGHTER

He said, "Cos you want their eyes to be...

"Make sure they're open. Don't give them any kind of hint."

-And then you...

-Will you pass that advice on to your son?

No, because we've got, you know, mace and stuff now.

LAUGHTER

You've got to move with the times, I think.

Now everyone uses sea salt,

you'd have to just crumble it in their eyes.

LAUGHTER

-Exhausting.

-LAUGHTER

It's Jamie Oliver's fault.

When I was a young man, I was in a pub, and a man told me,

"If ever a dog bites you and locks its jaws...

"..put your finger up its bottom and it will open its mouth."

LAUGHTER

-Right.

-That's what he said.

I based a cutting-edge ventriloquist act on it in the 1980s.

LAUGHTER

Frank Skinner and Bongo. Do you remember it?

Does that work just for that particular bite?

If it bites again, you can do it again.

It's not a bee, where it bites you and then it dies.

No, but at some stage, you've got to get that finger back out.

LAUGHTER Yeah.

And then where are you? You need a net.

-No, they open their mouth...

-Yeah.

-So, you've got it open.

-Yeah, but now it's annoyed.

-LAUGHTER

Not necessarily.

Well, it's got something to say on the matter.

It's either annoyed or quite attached. It's certainly attached.

-You've started a dialogue.

-Yes.

-It does... I've seen it work.

-Oh, have you?

LAUGHTER

OK, so, I'm glad of any kind of cheering or applause I can get

-at any gig, so I don't want to close down any areas.

-Sure.

-So, you know...

-That's OK.

Advice, I mean, one does get good advice

and I know it's thin on the ground,

but when you get it, it can be really brilliant and uplifting.

I just can't put in all advice.

However, the half and half scarf, I think,

is probably what's gone wrong with Great Britain and Europe.

LAUGHTER

And so, I'm going to put half and half scarves into Room 101.

-Thank you.

-APPLAUSE

Righty ho. On we go with Gabby Logan.

People who are afraid of flying.

Which sounds like I have no empathy

and I'm very intolerant

and it sounds like I don't care.

-Um, I don't, actually.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

If you sit next to me on a flight... I've had a few of them lately.

-Right.

-You've bought the ticket, you know how it works.

We're getting on a plane, we're going somewhere.

It cannot be a surprise to you that we are going to take off.

You've not watched The A-Team.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I've had a few bad experiences in the last 12 months

and this has brought this to a head.

I was on my way to Newcastle - just a quick hop,

from London up to Newcastle -

and the lady sat next to me in the middle,

she sat down and pulled her coat off

and she started kind of rubbing herself in an almost sexual manner,

and I thought, "What's going on here?"

And then she started sweating a bit and she started rocking

and I thought, "We have somebody who's scared of flying,

so I'm going to be there for her." I start off with a lot of compassion.

I said, "Would you like some water?" She went, "No, no, no, I'm fine.

"I'm on a bus, I'm on a bus, I'm on a bus, I'm on bus."

I said, "No, we're on a plane. But, listen..."

LAUGHTER

"That's better because this is a lot safer than being on a bus.

"You are far more likely to die being on a bus than a plane.

"You're in a good place right now."

So, she carries on with this whole thing and I said,

"Look, I give this advice to anybody I sit next to

"who's scared of flying, and it's this.

"Have you ever met anybody who's had a little shunt at 35,000 feet?"

And she said, "No." And I said, "No, that's cos they die." So...

LAUGHTER

It's logic.

And it didn't occur to you

that dying might be the thing she was afraid of?

LAUGHTER

I mean, because that is a legitimate fear.

I think the only time I've been...concerned abut crashing,

I was on a flight with Ant and Dec...

..and it did occur to me that if the plane went down,

they would get top billing in the...

LAUGHTER

-Right.

-The headline would be "Ant and Dec die."

And then, "Brummie comedian also perishes."

LAUGHTER

And that, I must say, I was glad when we got off that plane. I was...

I understand that people might, you know,

might have an apprehension about it but I don't see why it's any more,

that they would have an apprehension about getting on a bus or...

-People don't go...

-SHE GASPS:

-I'm getting in the car!

The car is much more dangerous than the plane.

-It's not, though.

-It IS, it's fact.

-It IS.

-It's not.

-It IS.

-Also, I DO do that before I go into cars.

LAUGHTER

It's a lot more likely that you're going to die in a car accident

-than a plane accident.

-No.

-Yes.

-LAUGHTER

No, what you mean is,

it's a lot more likely that you're going to have a car accident

but it's a lot more likely

that you're going die in a plane accident.

-No.

-Yeah.

-No.

LAUGHTER

Can I give you some statistics?

The US National Transport Safety Board did a survey

of commercial airlines and these are the odds of dying in a plane crash.

They are 1 for every 1.2 million flights.

And this is what amazes me.

Out of the planes that do crash, 96.7% of passengers survive.

-What?

-Yes.

See, your death thing isn't even any comfort.

-LAUGHTER

-We may crash,

and there's a good chance we're going to survive this bloody thing.

LAUGHTER

Thus, the odds of dying in a plane crash are 1 in 11 million.

-Those odds are too high for me.

-LAUGHTER

Apparently, stewardesses often survive because they are protected

by the hardened shell of their make-up.

LAUGHTER

Here's a man now.

This man was on an aeroplane and it was said that he drank

all of his duty-free liquor on the flight from Iceland to JFK

and, in the end, he attacked a woman, spat on other passengers

and screamed the plane was going to crash.

And so they duct taped him to his seat.

Here he is.

LAUGHTER

Now, I wonder, if that plane crashed,

maybe he might be the only person who'd survive,

and we'd all discover that is actually the safest way to travel.

OK, so, what's winding up Alun Cochrane?

LAUGHTER

It's people laughing out loud when reading a book.

And it's especially people near ME

laughing out loud when reading a book.

I don't know why it grinds my gears quite as much,

but that thing of, like... Ha-ha-ha.

Yeah, all right, we get it. We can all read.

I think there's a bit of show-offiness, like,

"Yeah, I'm reading a book!"

And I think,

"I've read loads of books but I'm not showing off about it.

There's just a self-aggrandi-i...

-There's a show-offiness about it.

-LAUGHTER

You need to read more books! LAUGHTER

You say something funny, we go, "Ha-ha."

But if somebody's written something funny,

I feel like you should type, "LOL", or just write down, "Laughed".

-In a notebook to the side of the book, just go, "Laughs."

-Yeah.

You could have marginalia. You could write, "Ha-ha" next to things.

I think that's a perfectly appropriate response

and I think there's a bit of people reading in public,

going, "Oh, I'm reading."

So, if I'm on a train and somebody near me's like,

"Ha-ha-ha-ha", I just think, "Get a room."

-Just read this in the comfort of your own...

-Is this OK?

Yeah, that's fine.

Because it's not an assault on me living my life,

-which is what extraneous noise is to me.

-Actual, really audible laughter.

Just, yeah...

Maybe it's other people's tangible existence that you don't like.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, I just find it very irritating.

I'm surprised it's getting so much resistance

cos I thought this was a thing.

I read an autobiography recently

and I really laughed out loud on several occasions,

which you would condemn me for.

-Who's autobiography were you reading?

-Mine.

LAUGHTER

-It WAS actually mine.

-Yeah.

This is one of the pluses of age-related memory loss.

-And you were laughing out loud?

-I laughed out loud.

It's properly funny, my autobiography.

-"Laugh-out-loud funny..."

-Yeah.

-"..Frank Skinner."

-Exactly.

I know that's not going to have the same impact as a recommendation.

"I laughed out loud while re-reading it,

-"having forgotten it."

-"Said narcissist Frank Skinner."

LAUGHTER

-Have you ever seen the thumb thing, by the way?

-No.

The thumb thing is a special gadget for reading books

and this is what the blurb says.

"Ever relaxed on the beach with a book?"

-LAUGHTER

-Yeah.

"Likely you held the book in front of your face with your thumb

-"to block the sun from your eyes."

-Mm.

-Yeah, done that.

"A few minutes later, your thumb gets tired

"and the book smacks you in the face."

LAUGHTER

That's never happened to me ever.

But the thumb thing is invented for that. So, you get your book...

LAUGHTER

And you can hold it like that and it does give you,

if you can see there, it gives you a lot of extra support.

That's good.

-It's a simple thing, but so many of the best inventions are.

-Mm.

-How's it doing?

-Great.

-No, the invention. Is it selling well?

Oh, sorry. LAUGHTER

-THIS is selling extremely well, apparently.

-Is THAT funny?

Um, I've never actually, um...

I HAVE read it. LAUGHTER

And if you were offended at someone laughing on a train,

you should have been there when I read THAT!

LAUGHTER

There some books which I would be edgy about reading on a train.

Would you read Fifty Shades Of Grey on a train?

-No.

-No.

-No.

-What about this one?

LAUGHTER

I'd like to read this on a train and every now and again,

stare at female passengers and go...

LAUGHTER

Any luck, Mrs? LAUGHTER

How did you find that book? Was it Amazon Recommends?

Yeah, "People who bought this also like..." I got one of those.

-"Hi, Frank, we thought you might like..."

-Exactly.

I once got a news story on a news feed I have and it said,

"Here's a story you might like."

And it was a couple who'd been eaten by cannibals while on holiday.

Spot on. LAUGHTER

I'd love to read... I WOULD read this on a train.

LAUGHTER

There's something brilliant about that.

I would have thought that was the least of their problems,

-their carbon footprint.

-Yeah.

They did a lot of bad, but they did offset a lot of it with trees.

LAUGHTER

Yeah. Respect to them.

I think... Just on THAT point, I mean.

Not generally. Righto, and so to Richard.

LAUGHTER

Yes...fun.

-I don't understand it.

-LAUGHTER

I don't know...whether it's possible.

LAUGHTER

And I think, if you describe something as fun,

that's a bad thing.

It trivialises it.

If you think of anything you actually like,

and if you were to describe it to someone else,

I don't know that you'd use the word "fun".

It seems to be quite a word that's only really appropriate

for describing a Wham(!) video.

LAUGHTER

And only some of them.

And also, every time someone has said,

"This is going to be fun," you know they're lying. It's not.

I mean, if someone says, "This will be tolerable"...

LAUGHTER

-..I'd go, "I'm there."

-LAUGHTER

-That's one of my chat-up lines.

-Yeah.

I mean that, to me, is a boast.

LAUGHTER

Well, I suppose the most concrete example of fun

that one can get is this.

This is a fun-sized Mars Bar,

which suggests that your standard Mars Bar is a bit of a slog.

Yep.

That they're saying is, if we take that...

If, when you're eating a Mars Bar, this section of it is actually fun.

-Yeah.

-After that, it's about knuckling down

and just getting the job done.

-LAUGHTER

-That applies for a lot of stuff.

LAUGHTER Exactly.

Sometimes when you think something's going to be fun,

it absolutely isn't.

Take this, for example.

-VIDEO FOOTAGE:

-Ready? Are you ready? Ready, steady, go.

LAUGHTER

Lift your legs up.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

DAD LAUGHS ON VIDEO

That sounds like you.

You see, I think that's a very potent symbol

-of how fun often turns out.

-Yeah.

I think the dad filming it is having GREAT fun.

LAUGHTER

Some people don't even want to be seen to be having fun.

I'm not saying you're in this category, Richard,

but look at this guy.

HE SINGS IN NATIVE LANGUAGE

LAUGHTER

That's right. Don't document his fun. Don't spoil that moment.

He was connecting to the performer.

LAUGHTER

OK, we come to the end of that round.

I don't think you can put people who are afraid of flying in

because they've got enough problems.

They're probably also claustrophobic,

so if we put them in the vault, they'll have a screaming fit.

People laughing out loud when they read a book.

I sort of respect the fact there's anyone left who reads a book.

Any reaction they get I don't mind. And if it's my...

I have seen people reading my book and laughing

but it was in the mirror.

LAUGHTER

-Fun. I tell you what. Fun, the way we're talking about it.

-Yes.

-That fun was, "Way, let's have fun!"

-Yes, Radio 1 Roadshow fun.

-Yeah, that kind of "fun".

-Yes.

-No, you're right.

-I don't like it and I'm going to put fun into Room 101.

-Yeah.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And that brings us to the end of the show. Well done, Gabby.

You were the most persuasive guest, so you are this week's winner.

Thank you very much.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks very much, Alun Cochrane, Gabby Logan and Richard Ayoade.

And thank you. Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE