Episode 3 Room 101

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,

the show where three guests battle to banish their bete noires

to the notorious vault.

They'll have to argue their case well because, in each round,

only one item can be chosen. The final decision is mine.

Let's meet this week's guests.

Joining me tonight are Murder On The Dance Floor, Sophie Ellis-Bextor,

Murder In The Cathedral, Rob Beckett and murder,

but only if he felt there was no alternative, Ross Kemp.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, so, let's get ready to grumble,

and we'll begin with Rob.

LAUGHTER

Um, I've gone for teeth.

-Yeah. It's a little bit awkward...

-Yeah!

-..I'll be honest with you.

Just cos I've had a lot of abuse about my teeth over the years, and I

might have had a sort of easier life if I didn't have teeth.

But if everyone didn't have teeth,

I think it'd just be easier all round, just cos...

they're a pain, aren't they?

You've got to clean them...twice a day, you've got to go to the

dentist, which everyone hates, when they hurt,

they really hurt,

and also I sort of think you'd lose weight,

because all you'd have is soup!

And I've never seen an overweight person knocking back

-soup all day.

-No.

-Easier with the shop, innit?

"What we got?" "Soup again." "Got nothing to chew it with."

And I just think it would just be easier if everyone had no teeth.

I'm thinking of some of the implications as we speak.

-I think, yeah, I mean...

-Yeah.

..I feel that your teeth are almost your identity.

Oh, yeah, I would be unemployed if I had no teeth.

It's a terrible system, isn't it, as well?

You have to...you're going through

-the agonies as a tiny baby of teething.

-Yeah.

-Teething.

-And you think,

aww, the baby must think,

because it doesn't know the wider implications,

"Thank, God, I've got that out the way."

I've got...like, a little baby and the teeth,

the poor thing - they're like tomb stones coming out of her head.

-These massive things coming down and she's..."I'm sorry."

-Yeah.

I wonder why they're so big?

And, also, you could have fizzy drinks.

You've not got to worry about sugar, sweets. Chocolate,

You haven't got to worry. You can have Ribena every day!

Are you aware of the national obesity crisis?

Yes, Frank, but we're already on soup, aren't we?

-Oh, so soup and sweets.

-Soup and sweets.

-Yeah!

There's a Twitter feed called Without Teeth.

-Oh!

-And it's pictures of celebrities without...

what they would look like.

There's one of Barack Obama,

who, um...does look very different.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I think he looks great!

I think I used to drink with him...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

..in the late '70s. I'm sure that I remember that bloke!

So, we've got you with no teeth,

-Rob, if you'd want to see what that would look like.

-Oh, wow.

Here we go.

LAUGHTER

-Everyone looks more fun!

-I was gonna say, you do look really sweet.

-Don't they?!

-Like you're from Muppets or something.

You'd absolutely smash through a Mr Whippy, wouldn't you?

Bosh!

Here's Ross.

LAUGHTER

And here's Sophie.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Wow.

-Wow.

-Wow, that's like an extra 40 years along with losing my teeth.

-Wow.

-Yeah, and it's made your whole mouth look, well, bigger.

LAUGHTER

Sometimes, when I'm somewhere, and there's bottles of beer

and no-one can find a bottle opener,

-I can open the bottles with my teeth.

-Ooh!

-How about that?

-That's impressive.

-I'd need teeth.

-You wouldn't be able to do just with gummy gum-gums,

-would you?

-I would not. So, what would happen then?

Get a bottle opener.

-Well, you can't find it.

-Oh, yeah.

Yeah. That's good, though, because, you see,

if Ross said he could open bottles with his teeth, I'd think,

"Well, of course you can."

-But I can't, there's the whole point of that?

-You can't? Really?!

No, he just bites the top off.

These are my third set of front ones.

-OK.

-Oh, really?

-Wow.

-Yeah. One, two, three.

-What happened to them?

First one, kicked out playing rugby,

and then a really bad night in Caracas, like you do.

Is that a nightclub?

No! It's the capital of Venezuela.

Oh, I thought it was a nightclub in Croydon, Cer-ackers.

-LAUGHTER

-It might be...

Two for one on Sambuca on a Wednesday. Cer-ackers!

I don't rememb... I don't remember much about it.

-You have shoes and a shirt to get in?

-But I did wake up

the next morning with, like, everyone looking at me, going...

LAUGHTER

I'm going, "What? What?"

-I'd taken off all the fascias cos I'd hit the marble bar...

-Wow.

..and I'm going, "I will never drink again."

-Have you stuck with that?

-A little bit.

OK.

No, don't take this badly, Rob.

I've got a clip of a dog,

and it...I think it does look a bit like you.

-It better be a fit dog, Frank.

-In the nicest possible way.

It's a beautiful dog. Here it is.

'Hey, Charlie. What you got?'

TOY SQUEAKS

'What's that?'

'Is it a new toy?'

-'Is that your new...?'

-SHE LAUGHS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, good, he took it well!

OK, what's upsetting Sophie?

So many things.

This is misplaced clapping.

APPLAUSE

FRANK LAUGHS

-It's OK. That was placed in the right place.

-They're good.

-Um...

-They're good this crowd.

-It might need... Yeah.

No? All right!

You're all brilliant at this one!

-So, I'm thinking any time clapping doesn't really need to happen.

-APPLAUSE

Oh, all right!

I'm so confused, I'm like, "They like it, they don't like it."

Things like when the plane lands, and people clap when a plane lands.

People clapping at the end of a film in the cinema

when no-one from the film is in the room to hear it.

People clapping when a waiter drops plates.

So, yeah, extraneous clapping.

The first plane I ever went on,

they clapped when we landed and I thought it was just...

It was with the Wright Brothers.

APPLAUSE

But it's the weirdest thing.

Does that mean if you were on a plane and it was going down,

-they'd start about booing?

-Exactly!

It's only doing what it's supposed to do. You don't need the clap.

I think that's fair enough.

I find over laughing in theatres...

-Oh, yeah, that's very annoying.

-..worse than... So, like, you know,

you do a comedy gig, people laugh at end of a joke, but when you go to a,

like, a straight play and one person does, like, one little thing of,

like, a pun or something like, "Duh-DUH-duh!"

Everyone goes, "A-HA-HA, oh, my God, that's so funny!"

-Well, they do...

-That's rubbish.

In Shakespeare, people do it, they're like,

-"Ah, I show I understand."

-That's right! It's like,

"I'm cleverer than you are...because I got the joke first."

In Warhorse, oh, my God, there's a about a 20 minute bit all in French.

So you get, like, loads of geezers laughing.

Like, "Oh-ho, I know French." Oh, shut up, mate.

Showing off you know French,

pretending to laugh at a rubbish joke about a wooden horse.

I wouldn't mind a few of those people in tonight.

I have this thing if, when I go to West Brom games,

occasionally they get booed off at half-time.

-I can't explain it.

-No.

But whenever they get booed off at half-time,

when they come out for the second-half,

they always get cheers and applause.

And I think, "What have they done to win the crowd back over?"

-Yeah.

-Not play!

Yeah.

It's like absence makes the heart grow fonder.

"Aw, actually, I actually missed them."

"I know we booed them off, but I'm missing them now."

If you had a row with your wife and then - like, a big blazing row

and then storm out, if you come back after 15 minutes,

she's never gonna go, "Oh, nice to see you back."

Can I say, that's definitely true.

I went to the circus with my partner and after a bit she said,

"Can you clap more with your fingers?"

"It's...you're clapping so loud, it's hurting my ears."

At the circus?!

And I actually was like this.

Anyway, have you ever wondered

what people from other planets might clap like?

-Ooh, no, I have not.

-Well, it's...

oh, you know, I'll show you.

THEY LAUGH

LAUGHTER

-That's very weird.

-Has anyone ever clapped like that before?

Yeah, that kinda went round.

And, also, the wind from his clapping

seems to be blowing his mouth. Did you see that?

What's happening with his...his clapping mouth?

LAUGHTER

I think Boris Johnson's played a trick on him

and put his arms through his jumper and popped up like that.

OK, so, what's upsetting Ross?

Snobby shop assistants.

-Mm.

-Yeah. Yeah!

APPLAUSE

Now, why's that?

I tell you...one of the reasons is because,

by the time I could go into certain shops...

-afford to go into certain so-called posh shops...

-Mm.

..I was either too ugly or they thought I was going to rob the shop!

LAUGHTER

So, when I was young and I really desperately could have fitted into

those clothes, when I wasn't the size that I am now,

I couldn't go in them anyway,

and now I can afford to go in one - or I used to before I had kids...

LAUGHTER

..and I would be looked as like,

"Shouldn't you have just gone into Millets?"

-"It's down there on the right."

-Mm.

But definitely the look of,

"You shouldn't be in here, you know that."

-Yes.

-"You're too ugly." And...

-Oh, Ross.

-That would upset me a little bit.

-It would upset me a little bit.

-I wouldn't say you were TOO ugly.

-I would say...

-Definitely too ugly for them, though!

I can slightly buy into the fact

that you might be there to rob the shop!

-But also...

-Didn't you try to buy a single stocking?

And, I think, you know,

if you do go in to a shop, they should be nice to you,

that's the whole point of them being there.

They're there to kind of serve you and help you.

-That aloofness...

-Yeah, it's horrible.

..you're sort of looking at them and looking at the mannequins

and think, "Who shall I ask?"

I do, I think the mannequins are probably

more human than the shop assistants.

Sometimes maybe a little bit too human.

LAUGHTER

They opened a Hollister

on Regent's Street,

which is a very smart, up-market shop.

This is the staff. Look at these people.

Absolutely beautiful, all of them.

And, truly, I went into the Hollister in San Francisco,

I was on a stop-over and I went into the Hollister, not to buy for me,

but I was told I was too old to be served.

-Oh, my God!

-Wow! That's outrageous!

I was being blanked, I've got them...I've got the top here,

and I've got my dollars in my hand and I'm going,

"Can I just pay for this?" And he went,

-"No, man, you're too old."

-That's outrageous.

-You get more respect from Mexican drug lords.

-Absolutely!

LAUGHTER

Me and El Chapo. He'd have no problem going in there

-because he'd clear the shop first.

-Yeah, exactly.

OK, so we come to the end of that round.

I don't think we can do away with teeth, you know.

I-I...I like...I actually like going to the dentist.

-I've never had a problem with that.

-What?!

Yeah, you get to wear, um, shades and...stuff.

-I get shades so I don't get bits of me in my eyes.

-Yeah.

I get four blokes and a JCB. So it's a bit different...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Bit different for me.

And misplaced clapping. I know what you mean, you know,

but I'm not a big fan of clapping at the best of times.

I prefer laughter.

-OK.

-And if it comes to clapping, I'll take it anywhere I can get it.

VERY LIGHT APPLAUSE But the people in those shops,

LAUGHTER the people - thank you - the people in those

shops, Ross, they are terrible people,

-and us ugly people have to stick together.

-Fair enough.

-Yeah, put them in.

-So, I am going to put snobby shop assistants

-into Room 101.

-Wahey!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, then, so.

Oh, my God. THEY LAUGH

Sorry about me bell.

LAUGHTER

Come on.

So...and so to Sophie's choice.

Ooh, that's a good name for a film.

-Enforced seating plans.

-Oh!

So, I'm talking specifically about when I go to an event and...

you know, a party, whatever it is,

and they've separated me from whoever I've gone with at the table.

If I've gone to something with my sister, my friend, my husband,

I want to sit next to them when I'm eating.

I don't want them to be on the other side of the table or miles away.

I don't like it when they move us apart, and if I get to the table

quick enough, I will move us back together.

-Really?

-I have no shame in rearranging seating plans.

-Wow!

-Are you one of those people that do that?

Controversial, I hear. Yeah, sure, I want to sit next to my husband.

What's wrong with that? That's why I married him, so I want to go and sit

next to him, I want to chat about the evening with him next to me.

-How long have you been married?

-11 years.

FRANK WHISTLES

I find me and my partner jump at the chance to sit...

LAUGHTER

-I don't believe you.

-Honestly.

But it is. I think we regard it as a bit of a treat.

It's what Nelson Mandela, I think,

called the short walk to freedom!

He never sat with Winnie.

I, um...

I don't mean that in a bad...

I don't mean it in a negative way.

I think, I take the approach, the old coat theory, is that if I sit

separately from my partner,

I'll appreciate her more when I get outside.

Because if you both had, like, a different experience,

you get to slag off twice as many people.

I find it very annoying, enforced seating plans.

Oh, the worst one is when they go,

-"So, everyone moves along a seat every five minutes."

-Oh, yeah.

-Have you had that?

-Or every course you move on...

-Or every ten minutes.

I find boy, girl, boy, girl quite annoying as well. Like...

It doesn't matter. Just sit down.

I think it's quite excit... It's the closest, probably,

I'll ever get to swinging!

LAUGHTER

Do you have those warnings?

You know when you need to be rescued?

-Oh, yeah.

-I mean, that can be,

you know, you get someone who's really...

-I mean, I started carrying a flare gun.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I tell you what I have done - you'll like this, Ross.

There's a laugh I sometimes use, which is...

Ha-ha-ha! Huh-huh-huh!

Ha! Ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha!

Huh-huh-huh!

Ha-ha-ha!

Which is the Morse code for SOS.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

How are you with this kind of thing, Ross?

I meet a lot of strangers through the job.

-Some very weird ones occasionally.

-Yeah.

-I just met Rowdy.

You'd like Rowdy.

-Who's that?

-Rowdy's an Imperial Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan.

Oh, my word.

I think I know him.

LAUGHTER

-Is he a very, very tall bloke, pointy head?

-Yeah, exactly!

Rowdy was a very scary man.

-Yeah.

-I suppose if you're the Imperial Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan,

you're going to have an edge.

He was at a wedding?!

He had a very long place...

I hate it when someone else wears all white at a wedding.

ROB CACKLES

-He wears purple.

-So rude.

Really stealing your moment, the clown.

Can I tell you what, the one...his mate, I said,

"So, who's the one in green?"

He went, "He's the Green Dragon."

I said, "I used to drink in there when I was younger."

LAUGHTER Yes, anyway, I didn't think

we'd be talking about the Klan tonight, you never know.

Every night we talk about the Klan.

I wonder if the Klan have these problems?

They stand around saying, "You know when we had that dinner

"and they made me sit by the Imperial Wizard?"

I don't know him that well.

They do seating plans normally if there's, like, either a couple that

are a nightmare, or if there's people that are coming on their own

so they're not sitting on their own,

but, then, normally there's a reason if they're sitting on their own!

Because they're hard work.

Are we still talking about the Klan?

I bet the Klan, they're looking at the tablecloth and thinking,

"This would make a lovely robe."

Do you want this after... Are you keeping this?

OK. That's enough Klan jokes...

LAUGHTER

..for one night. What's upsetting Rob Beckett?

-Insurance.

-Oh!

APPLAUSE

It's just so expensive, and whenever you benefit from it,

something bad's happened. It's all just very negative,

and I think a lot of the time as well, it's like,

you just sort of have it just so that if anything does go wrong,

you go, "I didn't have insurance",

go "Oh, my God, you should got had insurance!"

Where if no-one had insurance, then, like, I think people would drive

more carefully,

-because then they'd have to pay.

-Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Or it might be like Mad Max and either way he's a laugh.

LAUGHTER

I just find it...it's just annoying, like, going on holiday,

I mean, your travel insurance, I bet that's pricey, isn't it?

Just a bit.

-THEY LAUGH

-Are you going skiing?

I'm not going skiing, but I am going with a drug cartel!

You can't go skiing with the Klan, you'd never find them.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-The Green Dragon's won again!

-Yeah!

"I don't remember there being a mountain range in that direction.

"Oh, it's the lads. Come here!"

-It's the lads!

-I call them "the lads",

I'm assuming you wouldn't... LAUGHTER

If you were, you know, in your deathbed, looking back,

and you're thinking, "I've had a good life,

"I've never really been ill. I've never been in a car crash,

"I've never been burgled,

-"I have squandered a fortune...

-Yeah.

"..on insurance that I've never, ever..."

I think it would make people less worried about material things.

Because if you've got no house insurance,

don't have anything nice.

They ain't got nothing to nick, then, have they?

One of my favourite methods for stopping being burgled is these.

Do you ever see these on people's houses?

I love those.

I've got one on my house. This is my one.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Can I borrow that?

-You can have this, Ross, if you like.

-Thank you, mate, I'll have it afterwards!

-That would be great!

What would you insure, Rob, do you think?

-What would I insure?

-If you had to insure...

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Your teeth!

-Oh, yeah.

-Your teeth?

-Maybe my teeth.

-It probably would be the teeth.

Yeah, but I talk about South-East London a lot, so...Lewisham.

LAUGHTER

-Never going to happen.

-It'd be quite a big...

You should do one of your documentaries there.

I'm amazed you can get insurance of any kind.

It's part of the job. You have to fill out, you know,

accident report forms before you go out, and sometimes you're just

saying, this is, you know, what I'm actually writing down to

get insured for.

-"Will be spending time with Taliban", you know?

-Yeah.

"Will be flying into Hot LZ in Chinook,"

but, you know, there's people who specialise in it,

and, obviously, for your family, but it's also a real...

for getting kidnapped and stuff like that,

you have to write in actually proof of life.

So, you know, you have to say...I'm not going to tell you what I write,

but you have to actually write down, should you be taken,

-what words will you say...

-Wow.

-..through the kidnap pass

to prove that it's you.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Wow.

SPEECH DROWNED BY APPLAUSE

Doof-doo-doof-doof!

So, when you do that, when you do that, you go,

"I don't mind, I don't mind insuring the car."

What about these celebrities who insure body parts?

-Do you know these people?

-Mm-hmm.

Oh, didn't...with Michael Flatley and his legs?

Michael Flatley, his legs were once insured for £40 million.

-Wow.

-Blimey.

-Now, I can see it with Michael Flatley to some extent,

because his legs is his job,

but this is the one that really, uh...Taylor Swift,

her legs are insured

for £26.5 million.

-Is this true?!

-Yes.

-Who's...who's doing it?

-Well...

Who'd you ring?

I don't think her legs are any better than my legs.

Honestly, I think my legs are that good.

-Yep. Can we see them?

-Here's Taylor Swift.

Here's me.

LAUGHTER

I think, arguably, my legs are better than hers.

-They're not your legs.

-They are my legs!

-I swear to you. There's no...

-They're so shiny!

-I know, well, I've oiled them.

-You've oiled them?!

No, I've oiled them for a bit, but they're still my legs.

-Nothing has been done.

-To be fair, If you cover the top half up,

it's really...I don't know what I'm thinking any more, Frank.

Well, let's go to the... I'll go to the close up. That'll help.

-Wow.

-Good pins.

Thank you very much.

There's a slight hint that, on the upper thigh,

of a bit of cellulite, if I'm going to be totally honest.

but I think that's like,

when you sometimes get bulging of masonry on a cathedral,

around a very, very heavy gargoyle.

LAUGHTER

On the left, those legs are 26.5 million quid's worth.

What are mine worth? Nothing.

Have you put your...the pants over the top of the lace thing?

That is...that is a border...for my pants.

Oh, wow. OK. It's a slightly different garment.

I'm glad... Not many people would look at that

and talk about the pants.

You're fashion crazy.

I was quite pleased with it.

This is a man who is at work,

and I think a tricky insurance claim to fill in.

SOPHIE GIGGLES

CHUCKLES IN AUDIENCE

LAUGHTER

I liked the "ow" at the end of it. Ow!

I imagine it'd be a great advert for InjuryLawyers4U.

LAUGHTER

Imagine the meeting in HR.

"So, what happened to the photocopier?" "Oh, God."

OK, so what's upsetting Ross?

Expensive water in hotel rooms. Well, anywhere, really,

but...so, I obviously travel around the world,

apart from when I'm not dum-dum-dumming.

Not happy with me!

But we'll find out later. I hope you're insured!

Oh, God.

I am a member of the Ku Klux Klan.

But when you go to hotels, and you can't drink the water in the taps.

-No.

-You can't even clean your teeth with them, and then there's

a bottle of French Alp water and you're, like,

in South America somewhere, so how much does that cost, just in kind of

carbon footprinting,

and it's there and it's got a little sign around it,

"This is 15."

It's just a rip off from hotels, and by the people that make the stuff,

and I think it's outrageous.

Water falls from the sky or evaporates from the sea

and turns into drinkable water and they shouldn't charge 15

for a bottle of water that big.

I think it's outrageous and it's not right.

I didn't think it was legal, actually.

I thought if the water in the taps wasn't drinking water,

then they had to provide other water.

You should come on holiday with me, Sophie.

I wouldn't if I were you, Sophie!

LAUGHTER

The Taliban are not big on music.

They're quite big on murder. Well, not on the dance floor.

Allegedly.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I think you get to an age...I don't feel now I can carry

a plastic bottle of water in the street.

I feel I'm too old.

A bloke my age shouldn't be having a plastic bottle of water

-in the street.

-I think it's absolutely fine!

I think it's all right, too. Release yourself from that worry.

You've got to drink, mate!

You can't dehydrate because of social pressure.

I saw a geezer in central London walking a ferret.

No-one cares about you drinking water.

That's eccentric, but there's no age limit on walking a ferret.

I saw Frank Skinner the other day, you'll never guess what,

only drinking some water, weren't he?

He's gone whack job!

It depends on the size of the bottle.

If it's, like, one of those massive,

like, five litre ones and you're like...

The water cooler.

-I suppose, at my age, I feel I should have a Thermos.

-Yeah!

I tell you what I do like,

you know when there's those water machines and you get the paper cone,

-the pointy...I love those!

-Yeah!

Like drinking out of a '60s brassiere.

LAUGHTER

-And, also, for a Klan meeting, you've got the hat.

-The pointy hat!

Do you ever complain at these hotels, Ross?

-Complain?

-About the water thing?

-Yeah, of course, I do.

-How does that go?

I generally end up with no teeth in a bar in Caracas.

LAUGHTER

Fair enough!

We come to the end of that round,

and I like the enforced seating plans.

I think there's too many people who would only ever talk to their

partner, and I think that's a good thing,

although it can be a bit uncomfortable at first.

Now, these two, I like the idea of there not being insurance.

I've not really worked out...how we all cope.

Yeah, I think me might probably need insurance of some kind.

I hate to say it.

But the whole concept of bottled water is one thing,

but people taking advantage of a place

where you can't drink the water,

I mean, it's an absolute scandal.

Thus, I should put expensive water in hotels into Room 101.

Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And that brings us to the end of the show.

Well done, Ross. You were the most persuasive guest this week

and, let's face it, the most frightening.

So, you're this week's winner.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks very much to Rob Beckett,

Ross Kemp and Sophie Ellis-Bextor, and thank you, goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE