Episode 3 Room 101


Episode 3

Similar Content

Browse content similar to Episode 3. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:00:290:00:31

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101,

0:00:330:00:37

the show where three guests battle to banish their bete noires

0:00:370:00:40

to the notorious vault.

0:00:400:00:42

They'll have to argue their case well because, in each round,

0:00:420:00:45

only one item can be chosen. The final decision is mine.

0:00:450:00:48

Let's meet this week's guests.

0:00:480:00:49

Joining me tonight are Murder On The Dance Floor, Sophie Ellis-Bextor,

0:00:490:00:52

Murder In The Cathedral, Rob Beckett and murder,

0:00:520:00:55

but only if he felt there was no alternative, Ross Kemp.

0:00:550:00:57

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:00:570:00:59

OK, so, let's get ready to grumble,

0:01:040:01:07

and we'll begin with Rob.

0:01:070:01:08

LAUGHTER

0:01:120:01:14

Um, I've gone for teeth.

0:01:190:01:21

-Yeah. It's a little bit awkward...

-Yeah!

-..I'll be honest with you.

0:01:210:01:26

Just cos I've had a lot of abuse about my teeth over the years, and I

0:01:260:01:29

might have had a sort of easier life if I didn't have teeth.

0:01:290:01:32

But if everyone didn't have teeth,

0:01:340:01:36

I think it'd just be easier all round, just cos...

0:01:360:01:38

they're a pain, aren't they?

0:01:380:01:40

You've got to clean them...twice a day, you've got to go to the

0:01:400:01:42

dentist, which everyone hates, when they hurt,

0:01:420:01:45

they really hurt,

0:01:450:01:46

and also I sort of think you'd lose weight,

0:01:460:01:50

because all you'd have is soup!

0:01:500:01:53

And I've never seen an overweight person knocking back

0:01:530:01:56

-soup all day.

-No.

-Easier with the shop, innit?

0:01:560:01:58

"What we got?" "Soup again." "Got nothing to chew it with."

0:01:580:02:01

And I just think it would just be easier if everyone had no teeth.

0:02:010:02:05

I'm thinking of some of the implications as we speak.

0:02:060:02:09

-I think, yeah, I mean...

-Yeah.

0:02:120:02:14

..I feel that your teeth are almost your identity.

0:02:140:02:18

Oh, yeah, I would be unemployed if I had no teeth.

0:02:180:02:21

It's a terrible system, isn't it, as well?

0:02:210:02:23

You have to...you're going through

0:02:230:02:26

-the agonies as a tiny baby of teething.

-Yeah.

0:02:260:02:28

-Teething.

-And you think,

0:02:280:02:30

aww, the baby must think,

0:02:300:02:31

because it doesn't know the wider implications,

0:02:310:02:34

"Thank, God, I've got that out the way."

0:02:340:02:37

I've got...like, a little baby and the teeth,

0:02:370:02:40

the poor thing - they're like tomb stones coming out of her head.

0:02:400:02:45

-These massive things coming down and she's..."I'm sorry."

-Yeah.

0:02:450:02:49

I wonder why they're so big?

0:02:490:02:50

And, also, you could have fizzy drinks.

0:02:520:02:54

You've not got to worry about sugar, sweets. Chocolate,

0:02:540:02:57

You haven't got to worry. You can have Ribena every day!

0:02:570:03:00

Are you aware of the national obesity crisis?

0:03:000:03:03

Yes, Frank, but we're already on soup, aren't we?

0:03:040:03:07

-Oh, so soup and sweets.

-Soup and sweets.

-Yeah!

0:03:080:03:12

There's a Twitter feed called Without Teeth.

0:03:120:03:15

-Oh!

-And it's pictures of celebrities without...

0:03:150:03:19

what they would look like.

0:03:190:03:21

There's one of Barack Obama,

0:03:210:03:23

who, um...does look very different.

0:03:230:03:26

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:03:260:03:28

I think he looks great!

0:03:300:03:32

I think I used to drink with him...

0:03:320:03:34

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

0:03:340:03:36

..in the late '70s. I'm sure that I remember that bloke!

0:03:360:03:39

So, we've got you with no teeth,

0:03:390:03:41

-Rob, if you'd want to see what that would look like.

-Oh, wow.

0:03:410:03:44

Here we go.

0:03:440:03:45

LAUGHTER

0:03:450:03:47

-Everyone looks more fun!

-I was gonna say, you do look really sweet.

0:03:480:03:51

-Don't they?!

-Like you're from Muppets or something.

0:03:510:03:53

You'd absolutely smash through a Mr Whippy, wouldn't you?

0:03:530:03:57

Bosh!

0:03:570:03:58

Here's Ross.

0:03:580:04:00

LAUGHTER

0:04:000:04:02

And here's Sophie.

0:04:040:04:06

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:04:070:04:09

-Wow.

-Wow.

-Wow, that's like an extra 40 years along with losing my teeth.

0:04:100:04:14

-Wow.

-Yeah, and it's made your whole mouth look, well, bigger.

0:04:140:04:18

LAUGHTER

0:04:180:04:20

Sometimes, when I'm somewhere, and there's bottles of beer

0:04:200:04:22

and no-one can find a bottle opener,

0:04:220:04:24

-I can open the bottles with my teeth.

-Ooh!

0:04:240:04:25

-How about that?

-That's impressive.

0:04:250:04:27

-I'd need teeth.

-You wouldn't be able to do just with gummy gum-gums,

0:04:270:04:30

-would you?

-I would not. So, what would happen then?

0:04:300:04:32

Get a bottle opener.

0:04:320:04:35

-Well, you can't find it.

-Oh, yeah.

0:04:350:04:36

Yeah. That's good, though, because, you see,

0:04:360:04:40

if Ross said he could open bottles with his teeth, I'd think,

0:04:400:04:42

"Well, of course you can."

0:04:420:04:44

-But I can't, there's the whole point of that?

-You can't? Really?!

0:04:440:04:47

No, he just bites the top off.

0:04:470:04:49

These are my third set of front ones.

0:04:490:04:51

-OK.

-Oh, really?

-Wow.

-Yeah. One, two, three.

-What happened to them?

0:04:510:04:54

First one, kicked out playing rugby,

0:04:540:04:56

and then a really bad night in Caracas, like you do.

0:04:560:05:00

Is that a nightclub?

0:05:000:05:01

No! It's the capital of Venezuela.

0:05:010:05:03

Oh, I thought it was a nightclub in Croydon, Cer-ackers.

0:05:030:05:06

-LAUGHTER

-It might be...

0:05:060:05:08

Two for one on Sambuca on a Wednesday. Cer-ackers!

0:05:080:05:12

I don't rememb... I don't remember much about it.

0:05:120:05:14

-You have shoes and a shirt to get in?

-But I did wake up

0:05:140:05:16

the next morning with, like, everyone looking at me, going...

0:05:160:05:20

LAUGHTER

0:05:200:05:21

I'm going, "What? What?"

0:05:210:05:24

-I'd taken off all the fascias cos I'd hit the marble bar...

-Wow.

0:05:240:05:27

..and I'm going, "I will never drink again."

0:05:270:05:30

-Have you stuck with that?

-A little bit.

0:05:310:05:34

OK.

0:05:340:05:35

No, don't take this badly, Rob.

0:05:350:05:37

I've got a clip of a dog,

0:05:400:05:41

and it...I think it does look a bit like you.

0:05:410:05:46

-It better be a fit dog, Frank.

-In the nicest possible way.

0:05:460:05:49

It's a beautiful dog. Here it is.

0:05:490:05:51

'Hey, Charlie. What you got?'

0:05:520:05:54

TOY SQUEAKS

0:05:540:05:55

'What's that?'

0:05:550:05:57

'Is it a new toy?'

0:05:570:05:59

-'Is that your new...?'

-SHE LAUGHS

0:06:000:06:02

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:06:020:06:04

Oh, good, he took it well!

0:06:140:06:16

OK, what's upsetting Sophie?

0:06:160:06:19

So many things.

0:06:190:06:20

This is misplaced clapping.

0:06:220:06:24

APPLAUSE

0:06:240:06:25

FRANK LAUGHS

0:06:250:06:27

-It's OK. That was placed in the right place.

-They're good.

0:06:270:06:30

-Um...

-They're good this crowd.

-It might need... Yeah.

0:06:300:06:33

No? All right!

0:06:330:06:35

You're all brilliant at this one!

0:06:350:06:36

-So, I'm thinking any time clapping doesn't really need to happen.

-APPLAUSE

0:06:360:06:41

Oh, all right!

0:06:410:06:42

I'm so confused, I'm like, "They like it, they don't like it."

0:06:420:06:46

Things like when the plane lands, and people clap when a plane lands.

0:06:460:06:49

People clapping at the end of a film in the cinema

0:06:490:06:52

when no-one from the film is in the room to hear it.

0:06:520:06:55

People clapping when a waiter drops plates.

0:06:550:06:58

So, yeah, extraneous clapping.

0:06:580:07:02

The first plane I ever went on,

0:07:020:07:03

they clapped when we landed and I thought it was just...

0:07:030:07:06

It was with the Wright Brothers.

0:07:060:07:08

APPLAUSE

0:07:120:07:13

But it's the weirdest thing.

0:07:180:07:20

Does that mean if you were on a plane and it was going down,

0:07:200:07:22

-they'd start about booing?

-Exactly!

0:07:220:07:25

It's only doing what it's supposed to do. You don't need the clap.

0:07:250:07:28

I think that's fair enough.

0:07:280:07:30

I find over laughing in theatres...

0:07:300:07:32

-Oh, yeah, that's very annoying.

-..worse than... So, like, you know,

0:07:320:07:35

you do a comedy gig, people laugh at end of a joke, but when you go to a,

0:07:350:07:37

like, a straight play and one person does, like, one little thing of,

0:07:370:07:40

like, a pun or something like, "Duh-DUH-duh!"

0:07:400:07:42

Everyone goes, "A-HA-HA, oh, my God, that's so funny!"

0:07:420:07:45

-Well, they do...

-That's rubbish.

0:07:450:07:48

In Shakespeare, people do it, they're like,

0:07:480:07:50

-"Ah, I show I understand."

-That's right! It's like,

0:07:500:07:52

"I'm cleverer than you are...because I got the joke first."

0:07:520:07:55

In Warhorse, oh, my God, there's a about a 20 minute bit all in French.

0:07:550:07:59

So you get, like, loads of geezers laughing.

0:07:590:08:01

Like, "Oh-ho, I know French." Oh, shut up, mate.

0:08:010:08:04

Showing off you know French,

0:08:040:08:06

pretending to laugh at a rubbish joke about a wooden horse.

0:08:060:08:10

I wouldn't mind a few of those people in tonight.

0:08:100:08:14

I have this thing if, when I go to West Brom games,

0:08:140:08:17

occasionally they get booed off at half-time.

0:08:170:08:21

-I can't explain it.

-No.

0:08:210:08:23

But whenever they get booed off at half-time,

0:08:230:08:25

when they come out for the second-half,

0:08:250:08:27

they always get cheers and applause.

0:08:270:08:29

And I think, "What have they done to win the crowd back over?"

0:08:290:08:34

-Yeah.

-Not play!

0:08:340:08:36

Yeah.

0:08:360:08:38

It's like absence makes the heart grow fonder.

0:08:380:08:40

"Aw, actually, I actually missed them."

0:08:400:08:42

"I know we booed them off, but I'm missing them now."

0:08:420:08:45

If you had a row with your wife and then - like, a big blazing row

0:08:450:08:48

and then storm out, if you come back after 15 minutes,

0:08:480:08:50

she's never gonna go, "Oh, nice to see you back."

0:08:500:08:53

Can I say, that's definitely true.

0:08:530:08:56

I went to the circus with my partner and after a bit she said,

0:08:560:09:00

"Can you clap more with your fingers?"

0:09:000:09:02

"It's...you're clapping so loud, it's hurting my ears."

0:09:030:09:06

At the circus?!

0:09:080:09:09

And I actually was like this.

0:09:110:09:15

Anyway, have you ever wondered

0:09:150:09:16

what people from other planets might clap like?

0:09:160:09:20

-Ooh, no, I have not.

-Well, it's...

0:09:200:09:21

oh, you know, I'll show you.

0:09:210:09:23

THEY LAUGH

0:09:230:09:24

LAUGHTER

0:09:250:09:27

-That's very weird.

-Has anyone ever clapped like that before?

0:09:320:09:34

Yeah, that kinda went round.

0:09:340:09:36

And, also, the wind from his clapping

0:09:360:09:38

seems to be blowing his mouth. Did you see that?

0:09:380:09:42

What's happening with his...his clapping mouth?

0:09:420:09:44

LAUGHTER

0:09:440:09:45

I think Boris Johnson's played a trick on him

0:09:460:09:49

and put his arms through his jumper and popped up like that.

0:09:490:09:53

OK, so, what's upsetting Ross?

0:09:530:09:55

Snobby shop assistants.

0:09:590:10:01

-Mm.

-Yeah. Yeah!

0:10:010:10:03

APPLAUSE

0:10:030:10:05

Now, why's that?

0:10:090:10:11

I tell you...one of the reasons is because,

0:10:110:10:14

by the time I could go into certain shops...

0:10:140:10:16

-afford to go into certain so-called posh shops...

-Mm.

0:10:160:10:20

..I was either too ugly or they thought I was going to rob the shop!

0:10:200:10:25

LAUGHTER

0:10:250:10:27

So, when I was young and I really desperately could have fitted into

0:10:270:10:30

those clothes, when I wasn't the size that I am now,

0:10:300:10:33

I couldn't go in them anyway,

0:10:330:10:34

and now I can afford to go in one - or I used to before I had kids...

0:10:340:10:37

LAUGHTER

0:10:370:10:39

..and I would be looked as like,

0:10:390:10:43

"Shouldn't you have just gone into Millets?"

0:10:430:10:45

-"It's down there on the right."

-Mm.

0:10:450:10:48

But definitely the look of,

0:10:480:10:49

"You shouldn't be in here, you know that."

0:10:490:10:52

-Yes.

-"You're too ugly." And...

0:10:520:10:54

-Oh, Ross.

-That would upset me a little bit.

0:10:540:10:56

-It would upset me a little bit.

-I wouldn't say you were TOO ugly.

0:10:560:11:00

-I would say...

-Definitely too ugly for them, though!

0:11:000:11:03

I can slightly buy into the fact

0:11:030:11:05

that you might be there to rob the shop!

0:11:050:11:08

-But also...

-Didn't you try to buy a single stocking?

0:11:080:11:12

And, I think, you know,

0:11:120:11:14

if you do go in to a shop, they should be nice to you,

0:11:140:11:16

that's the whole point of them being there.

0:11:160:11:18

They're there to kind of serve you and help you.

0:11:180:11:21

-That aloofness...

-Yeah, it's horrible.

0:11:210:11:22

..you're sort of looking at them and looking at the mannequins

0:11:220:11:25

and think, "Who shall I ask?"

0:11:250:11:27

I do, I think the mannequins are probably

0:11:270:11:30

more human than the shop assistants.

0:11:300:11:33

Sometimes maybe a little bit too human.

0:11:330:11:36

LAUGHTER

0:11:360:11:39

They opened a Hollister

0:11:410:11:44

on Regent's Street,

0:11:440:11:46

which is a very smart, up-market shop.

0:11:460:11:49

This is the staff. Look at these people.

0:11:490:11:52

Absolutely beautiful, all of them.

0:11:540:11:57

And, truly, I went into the Hollister in San Francisco,

0:11:570:12:00

I was on a stop-over and I went into the Hollister, not to buy for me,

0:12:000:12:04

but I was told I was too old to be served.

0:12:040:12:07

-Oh, my God!

-Wow! That's outrageous!

0:12:070:12:10

I was being blanked, I've got them...I've got the top here,

0:12:100:12:13

and I've got my dollars in my hand and I'm going,

0:12:130:12:15

"Can I just pay for this?" And he went,

0:12:150:12:17

-"No, man, you're too old."

-That's outrageous.

0:12:170:12:19

-You get more respect from Mexican drug lords.

-Absolutely!

0:12:190:12:22

LAUGHTER

0:12:220:12:24

Me and El Chapo. He'd have no problem going in there

0:12:240:12:26

-because he'd clear the shop first.

-Yeah, exactly.

0:12:260:12:29

OK, so we come to the end of that round.

0:12:290:12:31

I don't think we can do away with teeth, you know.

0:12:310:12:35

I-I...I like...I actually like going to the dentist.

0:12:350:12:39

-I've never had a problem with that.

-What?!

0:12:390:12:40

Yeah, you get to wear, um, shades and...stuff.

0:12:400:12:44

-I get shades so I don't get bits of me in my eyes.

-Yeah.

0:12:440:12:48

I get four blokes and a JCB. So it's a bit different...

0:12:480:12:51

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:12:510:12:52

Bit different for me.

0:12:520:12:54

And misplaced clapping. I know what you mean, you know,

0:12:540:12:58

but I'm not a big fan of clapping at the best of times.

0:12:580:13:01

I prefer laughter.

0:13:010:13:03

-OK.

-And if it comes to clapping, I'll take it anywhere I can get it.

0:13:030:13:08

VERY LIGHT APPLAUSE But the people in those shops,

0:13:080:13:10

LAUGHTER the people - thank you - the people in those

0:13:100:13:13

shops, Ross, they are terrible people,

0:13:130:13:15

-and us ugly people have to stick together.

-Fair enough.

0:13:150:13:18

-Yeah, put them in.

-So, I am going to put snobby shop assistants

0:13:180:13:22

-into Room 101.

-Wahey!

0:13:220:13:23

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:13:230:13:25

OK, then, so.

0:13:330:13:35

Oh, my God. THEY LAUGH

0:13:370:13:39

Sorry about me bell.

0:13:390:13:40

LAUGHTER

0:13:410:13:43

Come on.

0:13:430:13:44

So...and so to Sophie's choice.

0:13:440:13:48

Ooh, that's a good name for a film.

0:13:480:13:50

-Enforced seating plans.

-Oh!

0:13:510:13:54

So, I'm talking specifically about when I go to an event and...

0:13:540:13:58

you know, a party, whatever it is,

0:13:580:14:00

and they've separated me from whoever I've gone with at the table.

0:14:000:14:04

If I've gone to something with my sister, my friend, my husband,

0:14:040:14:08

I want to sit next to them when I'm eating.

0:14:080:14:10

I don't want them to be on the other side of the table or miles away.

0:14:100:14:14

I don't like it when they move us apart, and if I get to the table

0:14:140:14:17

quick enough, I will move us back together.

0:14:170:14:19

-Really?

-I have no shame in rearranging seating plans.

0:14:190:14:22

-Wow!

-Are you one of those people that do that?

0:14:220:14:24

Controversial, I hear. Yeah, sure, I want to sit next to my husband.

0:14:240:14:28

What's wrong with that? That's why I married him, so I want to go and sit

0:14:280:14:31

next to him, I want to chat about the evening with him next to me.

0:14:310:14:34

-How long have you been married?

-11 years.

0:14:340:14:37

FRANK WHISTLES

0:14:370:14:39

I find me and my partner jump at the chance to sit...

0:14:390:14:42

LAUGHTER

0:14:420:14:44

-I don't believe you.

-Honestly.

0:14:440:14:46

But it is. I think we regard it as a bit of a treat.

0:14:460:14:49

It's what Nelson Mandela, I think,

0:14:490:14:51

called the short walk to freedom!

0:14:510:14:53

He never sat with Winnie.

0:14:560:14:58

I, um...

0:14:580:14:59

I don't mean that in a bad...

0:15:000:15:02

I don't mean it in a negative way.

0:15:020:15:06

I think, I take the approach, the old coat theory, is that if I sit

0:15:060:15:10

separately from my partner,

0:15:100:15:12

I'll appreciate her more when I get outside.

0:15:120:15:14

Because if you both had, like, a different experience,

0:15:150:15:19

you get to slag off twice as many people.

0:15:190:15:21

I find it very annoying, enforced seating plans.

0:15:220:15:25

Oh, the worst one is when they go,

0:15:250:15:26

-"So, everyone moves along a seat every five minutes."

-Oh, yeah.

0:15:260:15:30

-Have you had that?

-Or every course you move on...

-Or every ten minutes.

0:15:300:15:33

I find boy, girl, boy, girl quite annoying as well. Like...

0:15:330:15:36

It doesn't matter. Just sit down.

0:15:360:15:38

I think it's quite excit... It's the closest, probably,

0:15:380:15:40

I'll ever get to swinging!

0:15:400:15:42

LAUGHTER

0:15:420:15:44

Do you have those warnings?

0:15:450:15:47

You know when you need to be rescued?

0:15:470:15:49

-Oh, yeah.

-I mean, that can be,

0:15:490:15:51

you know, you get someone who's really...

0:15:510:15:53

-I mean, I started carrying a flare gun.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:15:530:15:57

I tell you what I have done - you'll like this, Ross.

0:15:570:15:59

There's a laugh I sometimes use, which is...

0:15:590:16:01

Ha-ha-ha! Huh-huh-huh!

0:16:010:16:04

Ha! Ha-ha-ha!

0:16:040:16:06

Ha-ha-ha!

0:16:060:16:07

Huh-huh-huh!

0:16:070:16:09

Ha-ha-ha!

0:16:090:16:10

Which is the Morse code for SOS.

0:16:100:16:12

LAUGHTER

0:16:120:16:15

APPLAUSE

0:16:150:16:17

How are you with this kind of thing, Ross?

0:16:200:16:22

I meet a lot of strangers through the job.

0:16:220:16:24

-Some very weird ones occasionally.

-Yeah.

-I just met Rowdy.

0:16:240:16:27

You'd like Rowdy.

0:16:270:16:28

-Who's that?

-Rowdy's an Imperial Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan.

0:16:280:16:32

Oh, my word.

0:16:320:16:34

I think I know him.

0:16:340:16:35

LAUGHTER

0:16:350:16:36

-Is he a very, very tall bloke, pointy head?

-Yeah, exactly!

0:16:360:16:39

Rowdy was a very scary man.

0:16:400:16:42

-Yeah.

-I suppose if you're the Imperial Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan,

0:16:420:16:46

you're going to have an edge.

0:16:460:16:48

He was at a wedding?!

0:16:480:16:50

He had a very long place...

0:16:500:16:53

I hate it when someone else wears all white at a wedding.

0:16:530:16:56

ROB CACKLES

0:16:590:17:01

-He wears purple.

-So rude.

0:17:010:17:02

Really stealing your moment, the clown.

0:17:020:17:05

Can I tell you what, the one...his mate, I said,

0:17:050:17:07

"So, who's the one in green?"

0:17:070:17:09

He went, "He's the Green Dragon."

0:17:090:17:11

I said, "I used to drink in there when I was younger."

0:17:110:17:14

LAUGHTER Yes, anyway, I didn't think

0:17:140:17:16

we'd be talking about the Klan tonight, you never know.

0:17:160:17:19

Every night we talk about the Klan.

0:17:190:17:21

I wonder if the Klan have these problems?

0:17:210:17:23

They stand around saying, "You know when we had that dinner

0:17:230:17:26

"and they made me sit by the Imperial Wizard?"

0:17:260:17:28

I don't know him that well.

0:17:280:17:30

They do seating plans normally if there's, like, either a couple that

0:17:320:17:35

are a nightmare, or if there's people that are coming on their own

0:17:350:17:37

so they're not sitting on their own,

0:17:370:17:39

but, then, normally there's a reason if they're sitting on their own!

0:17:390:17:42

Because they're hard work.

0:17:420:17:45

Are we still talking about the Klan?

0:17:450:17:47

I bet the Klan, they're looking at the tablecloth and thinking,

0:17:500:17:53

"This would make a lovely robe."

0:17:530:17:55

Do you want this after... Are you keeping this?

0:17:580:18:00

OK. That's enough Klan jokes...

0:18:000:18:03

LAUGHTER

0:18:030:18:04

..for one night. What's upsetting Rob Beckett?

0:18:040:18:07

-Insurance.

-Oh!

0:18:110:18:14

APPLAUSE

0:18:140:18:17

It's just so expensive, and whenever you benefit from it,

0:18:170:18:21

something bad's happened. It's all just very negative,

0:18:210:18:23

and I think a lot of the time as well, it's like,

0:18:230:18:25

you just sort of have it just so that if anything does go wrong,

0:18:250:18:28

you go, "I didn't have insurance",

0:18:280:18:29

go "Oh, my God, you should got had insurance!"

0:18:290:18:31

Where if no-one had insurance, then, like, I think people would drive

0:18:310:18:35

more carefully,

0:18:350:18:37

-because then they'd have to pay.

-Oh, yeah. Yeah.

0:18:370:18:39

Or it might be like Mad Max and either way he's a laugh.

0:18:390:18:42

LAUGHTER

0:18:420:18:44

I just find it...it's just annoying, like, going on holiday,

0:18:440:18:47

I mean, your travel insurance, I bet that's pricey, isn't it?

0:18:470:18:49

Just a bit.

0:18:490:18:51

-THEY LAUGH

-Are you going skiing?

0:18:510:18:53

I'm not going skiing, but I am going with a drug cartel!

0:18:530:18:57

You can't go skiing with the Klan, you'd never find them.

0:18:570:19:00

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:19:000:19:02

-The Green Dragon's won again!

-Yeah!

0:19:060:19:09

"I don't remember there being a mountain range in that direction.

0:19:090:19:12

"Oh, it's the lads. Come here!"

0:19:120:19:13

-It's the lads!

-I call them "the lads",

0:19:150:19:18

I'm assuming you wouldn't... LAUGHTER

0:19:180:19:21

If you were, you know, in your deathbed, looking back,

0:19:210:19:24

and you're thinking, "I've had a good life,

0:19:240:19:26

"I've never really been ill. I've never been in a car crash,

0:19:260:19:29

"I've never been burgled,

0:19:290:19:31

-"I have squandered a fortune...

-Yeah.

0:19:310:19:34

"..on insurance that I've never, ever..."

0:19:340:19:36

I think it would make people less worried about material things.

0:19:360:19:39

Because if you've got no house insurance,

0:19:390:19:41

don't have anything nice.

0:19:410:19:44

They ain't got nothing to nick, then, have they?

0:19:440:19:46

One of my favourite methods for stopping being burgled is these.

0:19:460:19:51

Do you ever see these on people's houses?

0:19:510:19:54

I love those.

0:19:540:19:56

I've got one on my house. This is my one.

0:19:560:19:59

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:20:010:20:04

-Can I borrow that?

-You can have this, Ross, if you like.

0:20:090:20:11

-Thank you, mate, I'll have it afterwards!

-That would be great!

0:20:110:20:14

What would you insure, Rob, do you think?

0:20:140:20:16

-What would I insure?

-If you had to insure...

0:20:160:20:18

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Your teeth!

-Oh, yeah.

-Your teeth?

0:20:180:20:20

-Maybe my teeth.

-It probably would be the teeth.

0:20:200:20:23

Yeah, but I talk about South-East London a lot, so...Lewisham.

0:20:230:20:26

LAUGHTER

0:20:260:20:28

-Never going to happen.

-It'd be quite a big...

0:20:280:20:30

You should do one of your documentaries there.

0:20:300:20:32

I'm amazed you can get insurance of any kind.

0:20:320:20:34

It's part of the job. You have to fill out, you know,

0:20:340:20:37

accident report forms before you go out, and sometimes you're just

0:20:370:20:39

saying, this is, you know, what I'm actually writing down to

0:20:390:20:42

get insured for.

0:20:420:20:43

-"Will be spending time with Taliban", you know?

-Yeah.

0:20:430:20:47

"Will be flying into Hot LZ in Chinook,"

0:20:470:20:50

but, you know, there's people who specialise in it,

0:20:500:20:53

and, obviously, for your family, but it's also a real...

0:20:530:20:55

for getting kidnapped and stuff like that,

0:20:550:20:57

you have to write in actually proof of life.

0:20:570:21:00

So, you know, you have to say...I'm not going to tell you what I write,

0:21:000:21:03

but you have to actually write down, should you be taken,

0:21:030:21:06

-what words will you say...

-Wow.

-..through the kidnap pass

0:21:060:21:09

to prove that it's you.

0:21:090:21:11

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:21:110:21:14

Wow.

0:21:150:21:16

SPEECH DROWNED BY APPLAUSE

0:21:170:21:19

Doof-doo-doof-doof!

0:21:190:21:21

So, when you do that, when you do that, you go,

0:21:210:21:24

"I don't mind, I don't mind insuring the car."

0:21:240:21:26

What about these celebrities who insure body parts?

0:21:260:21:32

-Do you know these people?

-Mm-hmm.

0:21:320:21:34

Oh, didn't...with Michael Flatley and his legs?

0:21:340:21:36

Michael Flatley, his legs were once insured for £40 million.

0:21:360:21:41

-Wow.

-Blimey.

-Now, I can see it with Michael Flatley to some extent,

0:21:410:21:44

because his legs is his job,

0:21:440:21:46

but this is the one that really, uh...Taylor Swift,

0:21:460:21:50

her legs are insured

0:21:500:21:52

for £26.5 million.

0:21:520:21:56

-Is this true?!

-Yes.

0:21:560:21:58

-Who's...who's doing it?

-Well...

0:21:580:22:00

Who'd you ring?

0:22:000:22:01

I don't think her legs are any better than my legs.

0:22:010:22:05

Honestly, I think my legs are that good.

0:22:050:22:07

-Yep. Can we see them?

-Here's Taylor Swift.

0:22:070:22:09

Here's me.

0:22:090:22:10

LAUGHTER

0:22:100:22:13

I think, arguably, my legs are better than hers.

0:22:140:22:18

-They're not your legs.

-They are my legs!

0:22:180:22:20

-I swear to you. There's no...

-They're so shiny!

0:22:200:22:23

-I know, well, I've oiled them.

-You've oiled them?!

0:22:230:22:27

No, I've oiled them for a bit, but they're still my legs.

0:22:270:22:29

-Nothing has been done.

-To be fair, If you cover the top half up,

0:22:290:22:32

it's really...I don't know what I'm thinking any more, Frank.

0:22:320:22:36

Well, let's go to the... I'll go to the close up. That'll help.

0:22:360:22:40

-Wow.

-Good pins.

0:22:400:22:42

Thank you very much.

0:22:420:22:43

There's a slight hint that, on the upper thigh,

0:22:430:22:46

of a bit of cellulite, if I'm going to be totally honest.

0:22:460:22:49

but I think that's like,

0:22:490:22:50

when you sometimes get bulging of masonry on a cathedral,

0:22:500:22:54

around a very, very heavy gargoyle.

0:22:540:22:57

LAUGHTER

0:22:570:23:00

On the left, those legs are 26.5 million quid's worth.

0:23:010:23:04

What are mine worth? Nothing.

0:23:040:23:06

Have you put your...the pants over the top of the lace thing?

0:23:060:23:09

That is...that is a border...for my pants.

0:23:090:23:13

Oh, wow. OK. It's a slightly different garment.

0:23:130:23:16

I'm glad... Not many people would look at that

0:23:160:23:18

and talk about the pants.

0:23:180:23:20

You're fashion crazy.

0:23:210:23:22

I was quite pleased with it.

0:23:230:23:26

This is a man who is at work,

0:23:260:23:29

and I think a tricky insurance claim to fill in.

0:23:290:23:33

SOPHIE GIGGLES

0:23:370:23:38

CHUCKLES IN AUDIENCE

0:23:400:23:41

LAUGHTER

0:23:540:23:56

I liked the "ow" at the end of it. Ow!

0:23:590:24:02

I imagine it'd be a great advert for InjuryLawyers4U.

0:24:040:24:07

LAUGHTER

0:24:070:24:09

Imagine the meeting in HR.

0:24:090:24:10

"So, what happened to the photocopier?" "Oh, God."

0:24:120:24:15

OK, so what's upsetting Ross?

0:24:150:24:17

Expensive water in hotel rooms. Well, anywhere, really,

0:24:210:24:25

but...so, I obviously travel around the world,

0:24:250:24:28

apart from when I'm not dum-dum-dumming.

0:24:280:24:30

Not happy with me!

0:24:320:24:33

But we'll find out later. I hope you're insured!

0:24:350:24:38

Oh, God.

0:24:390:24:40

I am a member of the Ku Klux Klan.

0:24:430:24:45

But when you go to hotels, and you can't drink the water in the taps.

0:24:480:24:52

-No.

-You can't even clean your teeth with them, and then there's

0:24:520:24:55

a bottle of French Alp water and you're, like,

0:24:550:24:58

in South America somewhere, so how much does that cost, just in kind of

0:24:580:25:02

carbon footprinting,

0:25:020:25:03

and it's there and it's got a little sign around it,

0:25:030:25:05

"This is 15."

0:25:050:25:08

It's just a rip off from hotels, and by the people that make the stuff,

0:25:080:25:11

and I think it's outrageous.

0:25:110:25:13

Water falls from the sky or evaporates from the sea

0:25:130:25:16

and turns into drinkable water and they shouldn't charge 15

0:25:160:25:20

for a bottle of water that big.

0:25:200:25:23

I think it's outrageous and it's not right.

0:25:230:25:25

I didn't think it was legal, actually.

0:25:250:25:27

I thought if the water in the taps wasn't drinking water,

0:25:270:25:30

then they had to provide other water.

0:25:300:25:32

You should come on holiday with me, Sophie.

0:25:320:25:36

I wouldn't if I were you, Sophie!

0:25:360:25:37

LAUGHTER

0:25:370:25:39

The Taliban are not big on music.

0:25:390:25:41

They're quite big on murder. Well, not on the dance floor.

0:25:430:25:46

Allegedly.

0:25:460:25:47

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:25:470:25:50

I think you get to an age...I don't feel now I can carry

0:25:530:25:56

a plastic bottle of water in the street.

0:25:560:25:59

I feel I'm too old.

0:25:590:26:01

A bloke my age shouldn't be having a plastic bottle of water

0:26:010:26:03

-in the street.

-I think it's absolutely fine!

0:26:030:26:06

I think it's all right, too. Release yourself from that worry.

0:26:060:26:09

You've got to drink, mate!

0:26:090:26:11

You can't dehydrate because of social pressure.

0:26:110:26:14

I saw a geezer in central London walking a ferret.

0:26:140:26:16

No-one cares about you drinking water.

0:26:160:26:19

That's eccentric, but there's no age limit on walking a ferret.

0:26:190:26:22

I saw Frank Skinner the other day, you'll never guess what,

0:26:220:26:24

only drinking some water, weren't he?

0:26:240:26:27

He's gone whack job!

0:26:270:26:29

It depends on the size of the bottle.

0:26:290:26:31

If it's, like, one of those massive,

0:26:310:26:33

like, five litre ones and you're like...

0:26:330:26:36

The water cooler.

0:26:360:26:37

-I suppose, at my age, I feel I should have a Thermos.

-Yeah!

0:26:370:26:43

I tell you what I do like,

0:26:430:26:44

you know when there's those water machines and you get the paper cone,

0:26:440:26:48

-the pointy...I love those!

-Yeah!

0:26:480:26:51

Like drinking out of a '60s brassiere.

0:26:510:26:53

LAUGHTER

0:26:530:26:55

-And, also, for a Klan meeting, you've got the hat.

-The pointy hat!

0:26:550:27:00

Do you ever complain at these hotels, Ross?

0:27:000:27:03

-Complain?

-About the water thing?

0:27:030:27:05

-Yeah, of course, I do.

-How does that go?

0:27:050:27:08

I generally end up with no teeth in a bar in Caracas.

0:27:080:27:11

LAUGHTER

0:27:110:27:13

Fair enough!

0:27:130:27:14

We come to the end of that round,

0:27:140:27:16

and I like the enforced seating plans.

0:27:160:27:19

I think there's too many people who would only ever talk to their

0:27:190:27:21

partner, and I think that's a good thing,

0:27:210:27:23

although it can be a bit uncomfortable at first.

0:27:230:27:26

Now, these two, I like the idea of there not being insurance.

0:27:260:27:31

I've not really worked out...how we all cope.

0:27:310:27:33

Yeah, I think me might probably need insurance of some kind.

0:27:330:27:38

I hate to say it.

0:27:380:27:39

But the whole concept of bottled water is one thing,

0:27:390:27:43

but people taking advantage of a place

0:27:430:27:45

where you can't drink the water,

0:27:450:27:47

I mean, it's an absolute scandal.

0:27:470:27:50

Thus, I should put expensive water in hotels into Room 101.

0:27:500:27:55

Thank you.

0:27:550:27:56

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:560:27:58

And that brings us to the end of the show.

0:28:060:28:09

Well done, Ross. You were the most persuasive guest this week

0:28:090:28:12

and, let's face it, the most frightening.

0:28:120:28:14

So, you're this week's winner.

0:28:140:28:16

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:160:28:17

Thanks very much to Rob Beckett,

0:28:220:28:24

Ross Kemp and Sophie Ellis-Bextor, and thank you, goodnight.

0:28:240:28:27

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:270:28:30

Download Subtitles

SRT

ASS