Episode 4 Room 101


Episode 4

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Transcript


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Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101,

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the show where three guests compete

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to cast their biggest gripes deep into the gloomy vault.

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They'll have to argue their case well,

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because in each round only one item can be chosen.

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The final decision is mine.

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Let's meet this week's guests.

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Joining me tonight are I predict a riot, Joe Lycett.

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Oh, my God, I can't believe it's Zoe Lyons,

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and every day I love you less and less, Ricky Wilson.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Let's get ready to grumble!

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Oh, lovely.

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OK. So, what's upsetting Ricky?

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It's new towels, Frank.

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New towels, why?

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Well, in my line of work I use a lot of new towels.

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I don't know why.

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I think people try and impress you with new towels.

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And there's nothing that impresses me less than a new towel, Frank.

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The thing about new towels is,

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you have to wash a towel before it's usable.

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Now, who makes something and then the person who's purchased it

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has to put it through a process,

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a manufacturing process, if you will,

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in order for it to do the use it's supposed to do?

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Cos a new towel, Frank, doesn't absorb anything.

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Have you experienced this, or is it just me?

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AUDIENCE: Yes.

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-No, you're absolutely right.

-And a new towel, Frank, leaves fluff everywhere,

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all over your body, and you have to have another shower

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while you're washing a towel,

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to then get the fluff off you.

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Hang on, though. If you put new towels into Room 101,

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then that means all towels go in,

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cos you can't have an old towel without it having been new

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at one stage.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Well...

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That's an interesting thought process there you've got.

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I think the current old towels will still remain,

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-cos I won't put them in.

-No.

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Oh, I see. So we've got to use the towels

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that reside in the world presently?

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Yes. We've got to use them forever.

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And necessity is the mother of invention.

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And by the time all those towels have worn out

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they'll be a new way of drying.

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-Global warming?

-Yes!

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Have you ever stayed...? You must stay in some lovely hotels,

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I guess you all do. Have you ever stayed in those places

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where they fold the towels into a...

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-Yes!

-..shape for you?

-Yeah.

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I checked into a hotel in Cardiff

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and this was on my bed when I got in.

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I've had an elephant.

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Someone had gone to the trouble...

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Are we sure it's an elephant?

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No, that's my pants.

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We have another one. This is a squid.

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-I don't think you should be allowed to add eyes.

-No.

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Is it a squid or the leader of the Ku Klux Klan?

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Maybe it's just his hat.

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He just arrived and thought,

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"I'll put me hat there, go and have a quick shower."

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I mean, he could have made a hole in the bed

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and it's actually him just ready to pop out.

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Well, that's obviously his jacket underneath.

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The head of the Ku Klux Klan after he's been run over!

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There aren't many people on earth you can laugh about being run over,

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but the Ku Klux Klan, fine.

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This one I am particularly interested in.

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Now, I don't want to alarm anyone,

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but if I was doing a gig and I got back to my hotel,

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say, 1.30 in the morning, and that was on the bed,

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I don't know if I'd be responsible for my actions.

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By the way, why do tea towels,

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why are they made out of different stuff from human being towels?

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Because we're made of different stuff than plates.

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APPLAUSE

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Oh, yeah. You're right.

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Do you do...? Women don't do this, I guess,

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but you know that thing when you sort of wear a towel as a sarong,

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you sort of tie it round your waist.

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-Women have it up here, don't they, for obvious reasons.

-Yeah.

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It depends how old you are, Frank!

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It can drop quite considerably.

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-Interesting point!

-That'll do, just tuck them in.

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-In the end, one small tea towel would cover the whole thing.

-Yeah.

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A couple of oven gloves.

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Quite happily open the door to the postman like that.

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Oh, is that for me?

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Just put the letters under there.

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I'll read those later.

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What about...? Have you seen these?

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ZOE GASPS

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These are towel gloves.

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And so you get... You come out of the shower, and then...

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And Frank's there!

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And then you just do...

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It's great, it's like being frisked by a Muppet.

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It's a good idea, though, don't you think?

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Really?

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Please host the rest of the show with those on.

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If people put it on, though, and don't know what's going on,

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they'll be startled.

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Let me show you...

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This is a towel which is the cover of Playboy.

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And so the idea is you can have it on the beach,

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and you can lie on it and it makes it

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like you're on the cover of Playboy.

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Oh!

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I bought one, and...

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see what you think of this.

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Just bear with me. Talk amongst yourselves, it's fine.

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I'm just glad you're here.

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It'll all be revealed in a minute.

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This is like someone's dad trying to make them have a good time.

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It's almost exactly that.

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Oh, great.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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That's looks pretty good.

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I genuinely think this is a great idea.

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I'm getting one of those. Do they do them in Horse And Hound?

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Puzzler.

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OK, so what is upsetting Joe Lycett?

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People that show me YouTube videos.

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Like, people showing me any video, ever.

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It doesn't have to be YouTube.

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Just somebody showing me a video that they think is funny.

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And 99,000 times

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out of 99,000, it's not.

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I have a friend who does this in the pub a lot,

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and will insist that I put headphones in

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in order to watch the video.

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And will do the face of expectation, that,

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"Oh, you're going to find this so funny."

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Which is...

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And then it's a video of a cat walking.

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It's a cat, that's how they walk, they've got legs.

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So what I've started doing with her,

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because if it's over 30 seconds, my heart sinks as well.

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What I've started doing now is I will show her videos,

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but I'll just get, like, the Lord Of The Rings up on Netflix.

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Just like, "Enjoy that."

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Can I say, first of all, I generally agree with you.

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But occasionally I will have something on my phone

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that I am so desperate to share,

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even though I think it's wrong.

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"Room 101, look, I was so good on it," like that.

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I'll give you an example.

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I met Buzz Aldrin, the astronaut.

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Oh, you didn't show him a cat video?

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No, I didn't. And he's in his 80s now,

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and he's had quite a full-on face-lift.

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And I had my picture took,

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as you would with Buzz Aldrin,

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but because of the face-lift I thought it looks like

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a picture of me on tour doing a ventriloquist act

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with a Buzz Aldrin puppet.

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Here it is.

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LAUGHER AND APPLAUSE

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So, where have you been, Buzz?

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I've been to the moon.

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You can see why, if you're in a pub, you really want to show people that.

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But that's fine. That's a picture and a lovely story.

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If you had a three-minute video of you meeting Buzz Aldrin,

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I'm not interested.

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But people used to do other stuff in pubs before this.

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You know, by that stage in the evening we'd be congaing.

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We congaed, like, most nights.

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I've been on congas where we had to get the bus back

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to where we started.

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People used to do pub games and stuff like that.

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Do you remember that thing with the beer mats

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where you used to put them on the side of the...?

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Can he do it? Can he still do it?

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-Come on!

-Oh!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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What about the coins?

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The coins. Do you remember the coins on the elbow?

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I'm finding you so hot right now.

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Now, if you miss this, you can blind people.

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I'm going to stand for this, OK?

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So you put a pile of coins...

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Oh, God.

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Oh, my goodness.

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-Oh!

-Come on! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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I mean, I know it's an old cliche,

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but I think we did make our own entertainment in them days

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rather than just saying, "Look at that."

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Yeah. I mean, phones have been around pretty much all of

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my drinking, pub years,

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so it's been a growing thing.

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And I may as well just get drunk in the bath

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with my phone on YouTube and not have to deal with other people.

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Maybe I want to put people in Room 101, actually.

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I hate if you're on a train, though, or something,

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and somebody's clearly watching a video on their phone on a train

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or a public space, and it's got full volume on it.

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And they seem to be completely oblivious to the amount of

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irritant that it's causing to people around them.

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This happened to me the other day,

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and somebody was playing music really loudly on their phone

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on a train and I just did that beautifully British thing

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of just going, "That's really annoying.

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"I'm going to say something."

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And then I didn't, I just meerkated them.

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And then I just sat back down again,

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and that was all I did.

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You should've filmed it, put it online,

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and then gone over and said, "Have you seen this?"

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OK, so what's upsetting Zoe Lyons?

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It's escalators, Frank.

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-What? Why?

-I don't like them.

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They frighten me. They really frighten me.

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They're basically like, very, very aggressive stairs.

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If you've ever stopped to look at an escalator,

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it's basically stairs with teeth.

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Good point.

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And I have never mounted,

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nor dismounted an escalator confidently.

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I always approach it with a slight air of trepidation,

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because I'm not... I've got really bad balance,

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so I've never been able to just sort of glide onto one quite happily

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and then just ride up the escalator, and then glide off the other end.

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There's always a moment of...

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And then I'm not relaxed through the whole journey.

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And then there's a...

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-when I get off at the other end.

-Yes.

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And the other thing I hate is when,

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cos I do need to hold on to the moving handle as well,

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and quite often it moves at a different pace...

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LAUGHTER

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..to the rest of your torso, so you're...

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-Yes.

-It's a constant adjustment.

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And I think it...

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I'm working in London a lot, and if you're working in London,

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the escalators are incredibly territorial in the capital.

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They really, really are.

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And there's a code of conduct on the escalators in London,

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you stand on the left, you walk on the right. And...

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You stand on the right.

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Oh, God, do you!

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BOOING

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That's why you've been upsetting people.

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-You stand on the... No, what side do you stand on?

-Stand on the right.

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Stand on the right, don't you? Yes. Yes!

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That's why I've got so many enemies.

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I don't mind a travelator.

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I love a travelator.

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Well, I've got a tweet of yours, actually,

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which refers to a travelator.

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Yep.

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That kind of hard-hitting truth will change the world, my friends.

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That tweet was sent at 3am.

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-Yeah.

-Everything all right at home?

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I do know what you mean,

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because when people stop on it

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they're actually going slower than a walk,

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-which isn't the point of it. The point of it is to speed you up.

-No, it is though.

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I so disagree with this.

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People have worked in laboratories and engineering...

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booths to make these things,

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and the idea is that they move us without us doing anything.

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So don't get on and start helping it,

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let it do its job.

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I do not ever, ever walk,

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never on an escalator, travelator.

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-Never.

-You've got to.

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-No!

-Cos just for that moment you feel like a,

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I was going to say pedigree horse.

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But do you know what I mean? You're like, this is...

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Like if you were a minor superhero.

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But then you have that moment of coming off

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-where it's like running down a hill.

-Yeah.

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I like the idea of a minor superhero's power being,

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"I can go slightly quicker."

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OK. I love escalators.

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I don't think you're using them properly.

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You stand on them and then you wait.

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That's the simple thing.

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And I think, because very, very occasionally,

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you get an interesting YouTube video.

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I mean, one in a million,

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but, even so, you never get a good new towel in a million.

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They're impossible.

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So I am going to put new towels into Room 101.

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APPLAUSE

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CHEERING

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OK. So what's upsetting Ricky Wilson?

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-It's bin day.

-Oh!

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Now, it might seem innocuous,

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but if I get bin day wrong in any capacity

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it really throws me out of whack for the rest of the week.

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There's different coloured bags,

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there's the fact that in your neighbourhood

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you can become a social pariah for getting something wrong with that.

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It's getting harder and harder to keep up with the changes,

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and I'm a relatively young man, Frank.

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-I know.

-And the other day I was looking out my window,

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and there's a little paparazzi guy that likes to hang around at the end

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of my street. And I put the bins out and I went upstairs,

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I looked out of the window, and he ran across the road

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and he took a bag out and ran away.

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AUDIENCE GASPS

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And then I told this to a DJ and I said, "This guy..."

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-And he goes, "Yeah, they probably just want to find out if you're getting high."

-Wow.

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I'm not getting high,

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but I was so embarrassed.

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I thought he's just going to find out that I don't recycle properly!

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-Which, in this day and age...

-Is worse than getting high.

-..is worse.

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I live with my parents,

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and I don't know anything of what you've just talked about.

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It's basically, along with not looking forward to post,

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I think it's a mark of adulthood.

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Hang on. There's a day, like Christmas Day?

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More than one day a year, Joe,

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otherwise it would build up quite considerably.

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Like the Winter of Discontent all the time.

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-Once a week, isn't it?

-OK, so it's the day that it's emptied,

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rather than a celebration of the concept of bins.

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-It's not like Thanksgiving.

-Right.

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It's the day they empty the bins.

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Oh, bin day!

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In our road they take everything on a Tuesday.

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-Everything?

-I mean, they don't always return it.

0:17:230:17:26

I get back from work,

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the bin men have left my bin so far from my front gate

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they've become the responsibility of another local council.

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I've seen urban foxes going, "I've completely lost my bearings.

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"Where's the bins?"

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We don't have a bin day where I am.

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-What?

-I know. But we've got communal bins in the street where I live,

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because it's a lot of flats.

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-Do you live in prison?

-I live in prison.

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It all goes down a chute. We get showered on a Monday,

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bins get cleaned out on a Tuesday.

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No, every so often along the street you'll have a big communal bin,

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and that's where you put your rubbish.

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Is your bin a big one with, like, a hole in the front?

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-A hole in the front.

-I know this because on your Twitter,

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you do a series of things left by the bins.

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-Oh, I love these.

-Yeah, I'm obsessed with things that people leave by bins.

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This is from Zoe's Twitter account.

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And I've found that like that. I didn't set it up.

0:18:220:18:24

Somebody had put that by a bin.

0:18:240:18:26

An entire dining room set.

0:18:260:18:29

-It looks like the bin has convened a meeting.

-Yes!

0:18:290:18:33

Thank you for coming.

0:18:330:18:35

I think we need to talk about the recycling in this area.

0:18:350:18:38

Bin day will be changing to Thursday from now on.

0:18:380:18:42

And then this one, there's something tragic about this one.

0:18:420:18:45

Cos that used to be one of those milk fridges that...

0:18:490:18:52

HE IMITATES FRIDGE HUMMING

0:18:520:18:54

It lit up, people looked to it for nourishment.

0:18:540:18:58

And now it looks like it's being sick.

0:18:580:19:00

I took that picture in Scotland, so maybe it was being sick.

0:19:020:19:05

Oh, so you do it wherever you are?

0:19:070:19:08

You don't just do it in your own...

0:19:080:19:10

Yeah. No, all around the country you can find...

0:19:100:19:12

It's a weird hobby, but, you know,

0:19:120:19:13

it keeps me occupied.

0:19:130:19:15

I like it. I think you'll grow into bin day.

0:19:150:19:19

Cos I didn't used to like it.

0:19:190:19:21

As I've got older,

0:19:210:19:22

it's probably one of the main social events of my week.

0:19:220:19:26

Whenever I take the bins out, I'm out there 20 minutes talking to neighbours and...

0:19:270:19:32

I remember I found myself with an elbow on the wheelie bin

0:19:320:19:36

and this hand, sort of, left free for high-fiving.

0:19:360:19:40

The only time I wear Crocs is when I put the bins out.

0:19:410:19:45

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:19:450:19:48

Can you actually physically feel yourself

0:19:490:19:51

go down in someone's estimation?

0:19:510:19:54

Surely the fact I put my own bins out is recommendation enough?

0:19:540:19:58

OK, so what's upsetting Zoe?

0:20:000:20:02

It's running out of loo roll.

0:20:050:20:07

Do you want to elaborate?

0:20:100:20:11

Well, this is a double-fold horror,

0:20:110:20:14

or two-ply, if you will.

0:20:140:20:16

The first horror of running out of loo roll is in your own home when,

0:20:180:20:21

I think running out of loo roll as an adult

0:20:210:20:24

just makes you feel like you are failing so badly as a human being.

0:20:240:20:28

It is such a basic need.

0:20:280:20:30

And whenever I do run out of loo roll at home I always think

0:20:300:20:33

there are people who've invented the internet,

0:20:330:20:35

they've put people on the moon,

0:20:350:20:37

they've developed the Hadron Collider,

0:20:370:20:40

and now I can't even wipe my bottom!

0:20:400:20:44

I am failing as a human being.

0:20:440:20:46

I think, worse than that, though,

0:20:460:20:49

is running out of loo roll

0:20:490:20:51

or discovering there's no loo roll in a public loo,

0:20:510:20:55

if you're out and about.

0:20:550:20:56

Because there's that moment of realisation, isn't there?

0:20:560:20:59

Just that moment where you're just having a little you time

0:20:590:21:02

or whatever, and then the old...

0:21:020:21:04

And then you do the most exaggerated Zumba movements

0:21:080:21:10

you'll ever do, just in the disbelief.

0:21:100:21:12

"It's got to be somewhere. It's got to be on a pipe somewhere.

0:21:120:21:15

"It's got to be! It's got to be!"

0:21:150:21:17

As a woman, it's a bit easier probably if you're in a cubicle

0:21:170:21:19

and there's other women beside you, you can always do that thing,

0:21:190:21:22

I'm sure you've all done it.

0:21:220:21:23

"Have you got any loo roll? Have you got any loo roll?"

0:21:230:21:25

And somebody's going, "Yeah, I've got some loo roll, hun. I'll pass you some through."

0:21:250:21:29

And then they pass you one sheet, and you're like,

0:21:290:21:32

"What you think I am, a dormouse?"

0:21:320:21:34

And then there's the horrible, sort of, moment where you have to go,

0:21:360:21:38

-GRUFF VOICE:

-"I'm going to need more than that, love."

0:21:380:21:43

Do you remember the tracing paper toilet paper

0:21:430:21:46

you used to have at school?

0:21:460:21:47

-Oh, yes.

-Like a new towel.

0:21:470:21:48

Yes, like a new towel! How did they think that was ever going to work?

0:21:480:21:52

-The most popular make was a thing called Izal.

-Yes. Yeah.

0:21:520:21:56

Cos my dad was a school caretaker,

0:21:560:21:58

so we had about 400 rolls in our house.

0:21:580:22:03

But for us it was an improvement.

0:22:030:22:05

Honestly, for the first 12, 13 years of my life,

0:22:050:22:08

we used newspaper.

0:22:080:22:09

That's what we had in our toilet.

0:22:090:22:11

So we were low on hygiene, but high on current affairs.

0:22:110:22:14

I was in a toilet once

0:22:160:22:18

and realised there was no toilet paper,

0:22:180:22:20

and I ended up using a KFC lemon-scented wet wipe.

0:22:200:22:24

You had to go to KFC?

0:22:260:22:28

No, I had one with me.

0:22:280:22:30

And... I don't know,

0:22:300:22:32

it just made the whole experience a bit more...

0:22:320:22:35

zingy.

0:22:350:22:37

I had one of the worst experiences of my entire life

0:22:370:22:41

as a result of there being toilet paper.

0:22:410:22:45

Because I had a cold a couple of years ago

0:22:450:22:47

where I was blowing my nose, like, constantly,

0:22:470:22:50

it was one of those that was streaming.

0:22:500:22:52

And I got used to, basically, excusing myself from whenever I was,

0:22:520:22:56

going to the toilet, blowing my nose in the toilet,

0:22:560:22:59

and then trying to get back on with my day.

0:22:590:23:02

And I was in a restaurant, and I got there,

0:23:020:23:05

said hello to everybody,

0:23:050:23:06

and then went to blow my nose in the toilet,

0:23:060:23:09

and also use the toilet.

0:23:090:23:11

And on the toilet seat was urine

0:23:110:23:14

from the previous person who had been there,

0:23:140:23:17

so I got some toilet roll out to wipe up the urine,

0:23:170:23:20

but because I was unwell and not really thinking clearly...

0:23:200:23:23

AUDIENCE SHOUTS No!

0:23:230:23:26

And I realised as I'd done it

0:23:260:23:30

what I'd done...

0:23:300:23:31

..and I just left the restaurant.

0:23:330:23:36

I couldn't cope with it.

0:23:360:23:39

That's really stuck with me.

0:23:390:23:41

Well, it would.

0:23:420:23:43

Next question.

0:23:450:23:47

OK, so what's upsetting Joe?

0:23:480:23:51

The bartender at my local pub.

0:23:580:24:01

Specifically The Actress and Bishop in Birmingham.

0:24:010:24:05

I don't know if you're familiar, Frank,

0:24:060:24:08

with the beer pumps that have sort of frosting on them.

0:24:080:24:13

I don't go in pubs much now.

0:24:130:24:16

The whole thing is...

0:24:160:24:17

-The whole pump has got, like, a layer of ice on it.

-OK.

0:24:170:24:20

And I've since discovered that it is just for marketing purposes,

0:24:200:24:23

-it doesn't actually affect the temperature of the beer.

-OK.

0:24:230:24:27

I'm quite hot-blooded.

0:24:270:24:29

I get very clammy palms,

0:24:290:24:31

and so whenever I go into a pub and I see one of these

0:24:310:24:33

I like to put my hand on it to cool my hand down.

0:24:330:24:37

I went into the Actress And Bishop,

0:24:430:24:44

put my hand on the pump,

0:24:440:24:46

and the bartender went, "Get your hands off my pump!"

0:24:460:24:50

-Like that, really aggressively.

-As the actress said to the bishop!

0:24:500:24:54

APPLAUSE

0:24:560:24:58

No, as the knobhead said to Joe.

0:24:590:25:02

And I didn't like his tone,

0:25:040:25:05

the way he'd said it to me, because it was very aggressive.

0:25:050:25:08

So I'd had a few pints by that point,

0:25:080:25:11

I cajoled the people in the pub to,

0:25:110:25:14

when he wasn't looking,

0:25:140:25:16

to go over and just gently rest their hand on the pump

0:25:160:25:19

in order to melt it down to the metal core.

0:25:190:25:23

Well, you kindly brought photographic evidence of this.

0:25:230:25:26

Yes, that's Gerard, with his hand on the pump.

0:25:260:25:30

And then Harry had a go. I mean, we got all sorts of people,

0:25:300:25:32

like, just people we didn't know.

0:25:320:25:34

We actually got one of the other bartenders in there

0:25:340:25:36

to have a go at it. And then this is the result.

0:25:360:25:39

I mean, that is a success.

0:25:390:25:40

-That was about 20 people having a go.

-We contacted him.

0:25:400:25:43

No!

0:25:430:25:45

No. No, no, no.

0:25:450:25:47

-He's not here.

-Oh, God.

0:25:470:25:48

He couldn't come, he said...

0:25:480:25:51

-He's guarding his pump.

-Yes, exactly.

0:25:510:25:54

He sent us a couple of messages.

0:25:540:25:57

One was,

0:25:570:25:58

"He always puts his hands on my bloody beer tap. Drives me insane.

0:25:580:26:02

"Nincompoop.

0:26:020:26:03

I'm imagining him in tweeds and a monocle.

0:26:060:26:10

Oh, he's used the word nincompoop. That's quite sweet, really, isn't it?

0:26:100:26:14

Yeah, I don't know if you'll like this one. He goes on,

0:26:140:26:16

"I can confirm it is myself who keeps asking him to get off

0:26:160:26:20

"the ice beer tap.

0:26:200:26:22

"These famous people think they can get away with murder."

0:26:220:26:25

And encloses a picture of OJ Simpson.

0:26:280:26:31

He doesn't. He doesn't.

0:26:330:26:35

Again, so he's not taking my point in any way there, though.

0:26:350:26:38

He's not actually engaging with the issue here,

0:26:380:26:41

which is that his tone is unacceptable.

0:26:410:26:45

Next time I see him, I'm going to go back with some de-icer.

0:26:450:26:49

APPLAUSE

0:26:490:26:51

I don't know if you're aware of this,

0:26:540:26:56

but a man was stuck for two minutes to one of these pumps by licking it.

0:26:560:27:01

This is his release, but it doesn't look like fun to me.

0:27:010:27:05

Oh, I miss alcohol(!)

0:27:230:27:25

I'd sort of see, no-one likes to be spoken to aggressively,

0:27:270:27:31

he could have handled it better, you're quite right.

0:27:310:27:33

But what you launched was a vendetta.

0:27:330:27:35

-Yeah.

-Yeah!

-Quite right.

0:27:370:27:40

-OK.

-I want his life ruined.

0:27:400:27:42

I...

0:27:440:27:46

I don't think I'm going to put that man in, Joe.

0:27:460:27:50

I mean, he's been kind enough to send an abusive comment.

0:27:500:27:53

And I respect him for that.

0:27:550:27:56

And I say bin day is really the only time I really meet people,

0:27:560:28:02

so I'm going to stick with that.

0:28:020:28:04

But I think, no matter who you are,

0:28:040:28:07

be you a peasant or a king,

0:28:070:28:09

there is something so terrifying about running out of loo roll.

0:28:090:28:13

And so I'm going to put that into Room 101.

0:28:130:28:16

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:170:28:21

And that brings us to the end of the show.

0:28:270:28:29

Well done, Zoe. You were the most persuasive guest,

0:28:290:28:31

-so you are this week's winner.

-Thank you very much.

0:28:310:28:34

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:340:28:37

Thank you very much to Joe Lycett, Ricky Wilson and Zoe Lyons.

0:28:400:28:44

And thank you, good night.

0:28:440:28:46

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