Episode 3 Room 101

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101.

Getting their buttons pushed tonight are hit machine Rochelle Humes,

joke machine Jimmy Carr

and time machine Steven Moffat.

What's upsetting Steven?

Being Scottish. Now, there is nothing fundamentally wrong

-with Scots.

-No.

-I'm just bad at it.

The Scots are as lovely as all people

who are full of loathing and shame for themselves are.

I haven't got any of the correct opinions for a Scotsman,

so whenever I'm asked about anything to do with Scotland,

when I'm in England, I'm rubbish at the answer.

So I don't follow the sport, I don't follow the politics,

I understand nothing about it. I'm continually disappointing.

"Did you see the match last night?" No.

Which doesn't stop them telling me about it for the next half an hour,

and I don't understand that. So if you aren't any good at that,

if you aren't any good at being enthusiastic about being Scottish,

which I'm not, then being Scottish is a major problem, for me.

Would you say? See, there are certain things one

expects from a Scottish person.

Are you ever dour?

-Oh, completely, yes.

-OK.

-Yeah.

I went to see a Scottish historian being interviewed.

He was talking about the Scottish Enlightenment,

which centred around Edinburgh, and someone in the audience said,

"Do you think there'll ever be another Scottish Enlightenment?"

And he said...

"The future is not my period."

That's a lovely... I heard a great dour story about Scotland

that Ken Dodd told, about being on stage at the Glasgow Empire

on a Saturday night, like, the roughest gig you could possibly do,

and he absolutely stormed it.

It's Ken Dodd, back in the day, he took the roof off,

the crowd absolutely adored him,

and as there was a gap between a laugh and the next joke,

you just heard a voice, with total clarity, shout out,

"It's all very funny if you like laughing."

I mean, there's no pleasing these people!

If you like a laugh, or being happy, if you're into that sort of thing,

don't be Scottish.

If you like heroin and shortbread...

Well, who doesn't?

Both very moreish.

I thought this might win you over. This was...

This is available online.

If you are about to give me a lap dance, can you just step away?

No, I'm not about to do that. I know what you're wondering,

is it bigger on the inside?

Not in Scottish temperatures, definitely.

What do you think? I think it's actually quite nice.

I don't know where to look.

Does the little door open?

-Well, you can have a sort of a split...

-Oh!

I feel like we should be having a whip-round to buy you some carbs.

-Skin and bone, man!

-I'm a thin man!

Listen to Muscles on the end!

I'll get my own back, Carr.

So, look, I'm going to give you three reasons

why I think Scotland is great,

and I'm going to do it with three pictures, OK?

First of all, I think Scotland is great because

it has signs like this.

I also think Scotland is great, because of the

many, many reactions to Donald Trump I have heard,

I think this Scottish protester has the best one.

-Yes!

-And, best of all, the reason Scotland is brilliant

is because they can make their own Advent calendars.

LAUGHTER

That's good!

OK, so what's upsetting Jimmy?

APPLAUSE

Yeah. That's right.

Tax loopholes, Frank.

So this isn't tax evasion, this is tax avoidance.

So it's following the letter of the law, not the spirit of the law,

and leaving it up to us to decide how much we pay,

and I don't think it's a good idea.

-It's not a good idea.

-No.

I don't know all the detail, I think that's been reported on.

It's like one law for rich people and one law for everyone else,

it doesn't seem... It doesn't seem fair,

and it seems to me they should make the law much clearer

and much simpler to follow and it would be better for everyone.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I should probably mention, I'm a recent convert to this view.

I had, I'm not sure if you're aware, but in 2012,

I had a 50% pay cut.

And this is when you know you've got a tax problem.

If anyone's ever had a letter through from HMRC,

don't worry about that, pop that in the recycling.

They will send another letter, they're very good like that.

If, on the other hand, if the Prime Minister of the country

that you live in breaks off from the G20 summit in Mexico,

and he comes out early to do a press conference where he talks about

nothing other than your personal tax affairs...

that is going to be a problem,

and I know, because that is what happened to this guy.

Shall we go for a little walk down memory lane and relive that?

Oh, oh, I can't imagine any problem with that, psychologically! Yeah!

This is the then Prime Minister, David Cameron.

Some of these schemes, where people are parking huge amounts

of money offshore and taking loans back to just

minimise their tax rates, it is not morally acceptable.

And I put it like this, you know,

think of all those people who work hard, who pay their taxes,

and out of that post-tax income save up to go and see Jimmy Carr,

he's taking that money and stuffing it into something where he doesn't

have to pay taxes. That is not fair, that is not right.

He's got a point!

How much are your tickets that people have to save up?

They're expensive.

They're significantly more now than they were.

But I think that thing of, like...

The other reason I wanted to put this in was because,

I kind of thought, obviously, like, the Paradise Papers then came out

more recently, and the perception is - everyone's doing this.

I mean, the Queen!

I know, unforgivable.

I mean, but she's on money.

If she wants more money, she's just got to photocopy her face.

It's weird, as well, that thing of, like, you know, David Cameron,

that's his job to do that, and I absolutely respect that.

But the fact that, you know,

it's a large offshore trust in his family name that pays no tax.

You go, well, that's...

-There's always going to be a level of hypocrisy in this.

-Yeah.

Was there a little bit of you that was quite excited when he

named you on the telly, though?

-It's nice to be on the news, because it rates.

-Exactly, exactly.

-Because it rates!

-Yeah. Have you seen my new show?

It's called The News. It's good.

You've featured a lock on it lately.

I don't know why there isn't a law.

People, like when I've spoken to accounts -

I've spoken to a lot of people about this,

I've become something of an expert by accident -

and I sort of think it should be really simple.

And I really simplified my life afterwards, and went,

"Oh, why have I got a limited company?

"It's mental, why have I got that?"

Just get the money, pay the tax, and then fine.

Obviously, I should have done that earlier, but...

-Well, hey.

-It's a mea culpa, I did a bad thing,

and I've, you know...

Although, you know, I didn't kill anyone,

because there's a very clear law on that.

-No grey area there.

-If they had the same law on murder,

I'd have killed loads of people!

If they said, "Well, we leave it up to you,

"decide what you think is morally right."

No, that's your job!

I always thought at the time, I thought, Ken Dodd must have

been gutted, because he was the go-to tax dodger comedian

-for 30 years.

-You heard what Ken Dodd said, right?

I mean, he was on trial in Liverpool, he was in court,

in Liverpool, and they said to him, "Why didn't you pay any tax?"

And he said, "Well, it's the Inland Revenue, and I live by the sea."

I mean...

I mean, he's a genius.

Are you going to do a Ken Dodd quote for every topic tonight?

Please, please!

-He's the absolute master.

-That's quite an achievement.

The reason for putting this in there, they could close

all of those loopholes tomorrow, they could just say,

"We're not doing any of that, we're not doing any of that."

If you earn money, you pay 40% on it, and that's it, that's the law.

This is a bit like a burglar coming on the show

and trying to put in windows.

I mean, they're there, but you don't have to climb through them, mate!

No, but I mean, that's the thing, if you leave it up

to people's morality, you've got to understand, there's quite a lot

-of people like me that have got a morality that's flexible.

-Yeah!

But, I mean, you know how much tax I saved?

-No.

-None.

Is that because you paid it all back?

Yeah, but I think there's a weird thing that people still think,

"Oh, maybe you've got away with something."

No, you don't get away with anything at all.

It's an interesting thing that you go, it's almost like...

I think the government loaned me some money for a bit,

at quite a high interest rate, that's the way I see it.

Very good of them.

I'm sorry to hear you paid it all back,

because there's a pothole by where I live,

and every time I drive through it, I say to my partner,

"Thank you, Jimmy Carr."

And now I can't do it any more.

OK, we go on to Rochelle.

What's making her angry?

Yeah, HD TV. I mean, it seems very trivial now, talking about tax,

but my real issue with HD TV is the fact that my husband

has a real issue if I'm not watching the telly in HD.

So I can't get my head round this. I'm sitting at home,

watching whatever it might be, Doctor Foster, you know,

whatever I like to watch, and he will come in

and turn the channel over...

He's not even in the room at this point,

can you see how angry it's making me?

He's not even in the room, and he will take the remote

and turn it over.

"I've told you, the HD number is this one," and it really,

really bothers him, and I can't quite work out why.

I am totally with your husband.

-Are you?

-Yeah, I mean, I don't mean in that sense, that would be...

-OK, because...

-..a shocking way to tell you.

Yeah, I was going to say, "Don't tell me like this, please!"

But I can't bear not watching the HD version.

And what's really interesting about that is, I can't tell

unless I go up to the screen and put my reading glasses on.

Only then do I know whether or not I'm enjoying it.

Your husband is right, and you should listen to him!

Are you taking her husband's side because she was watching

-Doctor Foster, not Doctor Who?

-You bet I am!

I have to say, I'm with your husband, as well.

Are you? Is everyone?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

-No, you see, most of the females...

But why... It's there, the HD channel is there,

it's a button away, and you're deliberately watching

-the blurry old...

-Yeah, but I actually think it looks better,

I think it's a bit more soft focus, I think HD's a bit too sharp.

I have to agree with that, it's people like me who are the victims.

What about the viewers, Frank?

People used to say to me how young I look for my age,

but now HD has come probing and prying,

no-one ever says that any more.

So it is cruel, I must admit.

Have you ever seen Ultra HD?

Oh, well, this would be too much for me.

Well, I went in a shop, and they had an Ultra HD telly,

and I'm not exaggerating,

the picture on the telly was clearer than the shop.

It was clearer than life, Ultra HD.

You've probably got an Ultra HD telly.

I feel like I've been ripped off by these things before.

I went and bought, like, a 3-D TV.

They assured me 3-D will be the future, everything's going

to be in 3-D, and they made two kids films, and went,

"Yep, I think we're going to leave it."

-Yeah!

-Can I say, I've got a 3-D TV as well.

When the bloke fitted it, he said to me,

"Have you ever seen football in 3-D?"

I said...

"..Every match I've ever been to has been in 3-D."

I think this is...

-There's a survey done, get this.

-Is there?

1,500 heterosexual couples were interviewed,

and 24% of them said they watched TV in separate rooms regularly,

because they can't agree even on what to watch.

That's probably where I'm headed.

-That's sad, though.

-I'm about to be straight in that bracket, I think.

You see, me and my partner, we took the compromise,

and we sit and we watch together

something neither of us really wants to watch.

Anyway, I can't put HD TVs in, I think it's been a fabulous thing.

I'm not going to put being Scottish in,

because it's all very well for you to say,

but if I put it into Room 101,

I'm probably going to get head-butted into a mist.

Yeah, don't!

Also, I didn't want to win, because I'm Scottish.

I wanted to lose, I wanted my self-loathing to be unsuccessful,

-do you see?

-Isn't Self-Loathing a town in Scotland?

It's every town.

But I think Jimmy is right. If there were no tax loopholes,

then slimy characters like Jimmy wouldn't be exploiting them.

-100% right.

-I'm going to put tax loopholes into Room 101.

Thank you, Frank, thank you.

Great.

Right, then, to Jimmy.

Other people's opinions, Frank.

Specifically, this is about, sort of, 24 hour news,

and their propensity with the vox pop...

..which I'm not a huge fan of.

I like... I'll tell you what I like, experts.

I think it was Michael Gove who said, "I think people

"are tired of experts." No, I'll tell you what I'm tired of -

-Michael Gove.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I like an expert. I like watching the news, and they've got

some economist on there, or they've got a doctor talking

about something, and you go, "Oh, right, I didn't know that,

"that's brilliant." And they're very rarely outside a Greggs at four.

They're not.

I know what you mean. I heard a radio phone-in about crime

in the UK, just a couple of days ago,

and I think if the contributors, instead of speaking, had whistled,

it wouldn't have in any way lessened the content of the show.

I quite like vox pops. Like, some shows,

when they have like a morning show and it's a bit of fun,

and they go, "Who should be the next James Bond?"

Great question in the high street.

"Should they bring back salad cream?" I'm fine with that.

But as soon as they go, you know, "What do you think about Brexit?"

I go, "It's too important, tell us what happened,

"give us the facts on the news."

-It shouldn't be an opinion show, I don't think.

-Yeah.

APPLAUSE

And I realise...

I realise that applause there suggests this audience

agree with me, but that is only their opinion, so I don't care.

I think it is quite helpful, though, to constantly remind yourself

of how little people know about politics, for example.

Otherwise, you're likely to trust them with

a really significant, life-changing referendum.

Yeah.

Can I show you, this is an MP, an Australian MP,

who presumably is the sort of person you think should be interviewed,

and they're asking him about same-sex marriage.

So, you know, he's working in a legislative assembly,

so he's the man to speak to.

You know, people are entitled to their sexual proclivities, you know.

I mean, let there be a thousand blossoms bloom,

as far as I'm concerned.

But I ain't spending any time on it,

because in the meantime, every three months,

a person is torn to pieces by a crocodile in North Queensland.

LAUGHTER

-What?

-Sometimes it's nice to hear from more than one personality...

..within an interview.

This is not, strictly speaking, a vox pop, but it is an interview

with a member of the public, because she's 110,

and we all want to know what it feels like to be 110.

I think this woman illustrates it better than most.

Later today, Flossie's family is going to be coming out here

to throw you a big birthday party.

Are you excited for your party?

Not one bit.

-I love that woman.

-Is she Scottish?

Not one bit excited.

We should point out, we're not saying, A, the public are stupid.

We're saying we don't know about stuff.

I don't know about loads.

I was asked, this is a genuine thing,

I was on the South Bank in London,

and there was a group from a university,

and it was the Darwin centenary anniversary of some kind,

and they asked me my views on evolution.

So I said, "Well, if we came from chimpanzees,

"how come there are still chimpanzees knocking around?

"What are they, late developers?"

And I said to them, "Are they like when you get popcorn

"that hasn't popped, the hard bit?"

And the bloke looked upset, not just, like, disappointed in me,

but why ask me something like that?

Ask a scientist.

Yeah.

-You remember the point that I made?

-Yeah!

I think we're in agreement on this.

OK, so to Steven.

Sandy beaches.

Obviously a pressing issue.

-What?

-Yeah.

-Rochelle is horrified!

What you don't realise is, you actually agree with me.

-I don't!

-You do. Look, look...

It's sand, it's rubbish!

Look, it's just lots and lots of really small sharp stones.

It's basically grit!

It's a patch of grit!

Now, in the presence of a patch of grit,

which you have been sentenced to for your holiday,

why would you then say, "I think I'll undress?"

And I think I'll roll in it.

And I will lie in it! And I will get it all over me,

and in case that isn't working well enough, I'll get wet,

so it sticks to me!

Now, what about beaches made of wool?

Or velvet? Or something nice to walk on?

Not really small, blonde, stones?

If they were black, those beaches, you'd be saying,

"No, that's just a patch of grit!" Well, it is!

It's just bleached grit!

Have you considered visiting a beach outside of Scotland?

Beaches in Scotland don't have sand, they have boulders!

What about the fact that children love to play in it?

Yeah! What about a sandpit?

Children love to play in anything we give them to play in,

including cardboard boxes and litter.

Because children...

are stupid!

I have a five-year-old, I started very late with children.

I was 55 when he was born, so I was pushing it.

Anyway, I covered him in sand on the beach

so just his head was sticking out.

Had he been naughty?

No, just to give me a minute.

And he really thought it was great.

And he started going, "Let's bury Daddy!

"Let's bury Daddy!" And I said, "There'll be time enough for that."

Here is a bit, this is a sign next to a beach.

Oh, my gosh.

Sounds a bit extreme, but this here is the beach.

ENGINE WHIRS

LAUGHTER

Oh, what fun!

And that's real?

No, no, we did that.

The effects budget on this show, through the roof!

-We got a picture of you on the beach, Rochelle, actually.

-Oh, no.

I'm very worried about your tan lines.

I know, I know.

I don't know if you've ever seen a lattice porkpie...

-..but that's a real danger.

-There I am!

That's what your back would look like when you got in that night.

That looks really good, actually.

What, the lattice porkpie? It does look amazing.

And I've got some photographs of sand sculpture.

This might, at least when you're on sand,

it's sort of beach related, first one particularly brilliant.

-Look at that.

-Oh, wow.

-That is a Doctor Who sand sculpture.

-That's great, don't you think?

-Yeah, it is terrific.

They should've done it in some other substance and they could've kept it!

-Yeah, that...

-But they stupidly made it out of sand.

It's all going to go away, isn't it?

What a waste of work and effort.

Yeah, they didn't think it through. You're right. What about this one?

This is Winston Churchill.

I don't remember him being that chirpy.

I think that's Bob Hope, isn't it?

-OK!

-I'm pretty sure that's Bob Hope.

It could be Bob Hope.

My particular favourite is James Bond.

I didn't even know I'd got the job.

What a way to find out!

OK, Rochelle.

People that don't bring their own bag out on a night out.

-Obviously...

-Guilty as charged.

No, OK, so my problem with this is, don't bring lots of stuff.

You know, you've got your house keys, your phone,

whatever it might be you need, your wallet, etc, etc.

If you don't have a bag to hold the contents of that in

and expect me to be able to give you mine.

-You know?

-It's really annoying.

It's so annoying!

And you're the one, you're the one person with the bag.

I'm the one person with the bag.

And everybody... I get the reverse of this.

I wear a jacket when I go out and my partner likes

to just wear, you know, a dress, whatever.

And she doesn't even ask me, she starts putting stuff in my...

-She basically uses me as...

-See? It's irritating.

She uses me as shelving!

-Just loads you up!

-And takes stuff out!

So I'm talking, and she's already taken lipstick out.

And then that's going back in.

Do people still do that thing?

When I was a sort of person that went out drinking, people used to...

If it was the summer, say you hadn't got many pockets,

people used to put their cigarettes and their matches in the sleeve

of their T-shirt.

Or a bra!

-Pardon?

-No!

Oh, thought you were leaving, in French.

-A bra's quite useful for that.

-A bra? It never occurred to me.

Tell your wife, next time she tries to put the lip gloss in your pocket,

-just pop it in the bra.

-We got some pictures of you with various use.

First of all, using a bag as an umbrella.

Oh! Oh, yeah. Oh, no!

The picture on the right, I've never seen anyone respond

to rain that negatively.

That's probably a really expensive bag.

Would you put that bag on the pavement,

say if you are getting something out of the boot?

Oh, I'm not that person. I hate that,

when like people are like, "Oh, no, watch my bag and put it here."

No, the bag can go on the floor.

Yeah, because apparently the bottom of the average woman's handbag

has more bacteria than a dog's rectum.

-Yeah.

-I hope that wasn't a taste test.

No, it says, "Say scientists."

That must be... Yeah, that isn't...

Because you put it on the pavement, floors, and all that.

What do you guys do? When it's summery and you're not wearing

a jacket, where do you put your things?

In the jacket that I am wearing.

-Yeah.

-Even if it's really hot?

I put a jacket on just in order to be able to carry things.

-Oh, do you?

-Yes, even though I'm miserable.

-But as we've already covered...

-That is a bonus for you.

Are you familiar with deely boppers?

If I'm going out on a sort of a party night, I wear these.

Oh, God...

Which has got all the important things I need,

and they're not in the way.

So, you know, wallet, phone, Halls mentho-lyptus lozenges...

..magnifying glass. Mind your own business.

And obviously, wet wipes.

And if they don't get in the way, and I don't need to wear a jacket.

-You wouldn't even know you had it on.

-No.

So subtle.

OK, then. There is something I find strangely compelling about

the opinions of people who don't know what they're talking about.

Probably why you like hosting this show so much.

It is indeed.

And sandy beaches, you know what?

It's sort of brought this home to me.

I don't have a problem with it.

-I'd say I've got 99 problems, but a beach ain't one.

-Nice!

I think it's really, really annoying and selfish to go out

and not take a bag and expect you to carry stuff.

-Thank you.

-You, Rochelle Humes.

I mean, like a pop star person,

-carrying other people's detritus, it's a scandal.

-Thanks.

And, therefore, I'm going to put people that don't bring bags

-on a night out into Room 101!

-Thank you!

APPLAUSE

And that brings us to the end of the show.

Well done, Jimmy! You were the most persuasive guest,

so you are this week's winner!

Can't believe my luck.

Hooray for me! Hooray for me!

Thank you.

And thanks very much, Jimmy Carr, Steven Moffat and Rochelle Humes.

And thank you. Goodnight!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE