Episode 4 Room 101


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APPLAUSE

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Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101.

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Exploring a world of woe tonight are This Is England, Vicky McClure,

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This Is Denmark Sandi Toksvig,

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and This Is Devon, Josh Widdicombe.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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OK, what's winding up Josh?

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LAUGHTER

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So, this is people being rude about Paul McCartney.

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Top of the list, your production team, seemingly, with that picture.

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Yeah!

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Um...

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It looks like there should be a dog's tail above that mouth.

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Anybody else feel sick now?

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Um, yeah, I feel quite strongly about this.

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It seems to have been a thing that's kind of happened in the last decade,

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that being half of the greatest songwriting partnership of all time,

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changing the face of popular music, changing the face of society,

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doesn't deem respect if you're a bit of a square 74-year-old.

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-Hm.

-Like, he's 74.

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We're lucky he's not doing an advert for walk-in baths.

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Do you listen to his more recent solo albums?

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No, of course not.

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Hold it,

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is this a person being rude about Paul McCartney?

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Right, I thought this might happen.

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I've made a list of the pros and cons of Paul McCartney.

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-Oh, brilliant.

-Wow.

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OK, so this is basically how the argument goes.

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So, the pros - he was responsible for changing popular music for ever.

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He wrote Hey Jude. He invented the concept album.

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He produced the greatest Glastonbury headline set ever while in his 60s.

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He wrote Blackbird. The Frog Chorus was quite good.

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-LAUGHTER

-He took a decade of public abuse.

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He headlined Live Aid. He made it OK to be a vegetarian.

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He wrote Helter Skelter, Fool On The Hill, Paperback Writer, Michelle,

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Eleanor Rigby, For No-one, and Let It Be.

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Cons - he dyes his hair.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I think Paul McCartney has achieved so much at such a young age

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that he should have a free pass to do whatever he wants.

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Isambard Kingdom Brunel, when he was old, no-one was going, "Yeah,

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"but what bridges has he built recently?"

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You know, Alexander Fleming, no-one said,

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"But what did he follow penicillin with?"

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Abraham Lincoln, no-one said...

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"What did he do good after whatever it was he was meant to have done?"

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And I'd say Paul McCartney is up there with the greatest people that

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has ever lived, and people are rude about him and they shouldn't be.

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But nobody criticises him for Eleanor Rigby, or for all the early stuff.

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They criticise him for giving the evil eye to burgers.

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I mean, it's fine if he wants to be a vegetarian.

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Just the rest of us are doing a public service by eating cows and keeping them off the road. So...

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LAUGHTER

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Think of the accidents there could be if I wasn't doing my bit keeping the livestock back.

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So, you don't observe meat-free Mondays?

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What on Earth is that? I'm from Denmark, darling - what on Earth is that?

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This was his little blurb for it.

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Please, just log in -

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pledge.meatfreemondays -

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all one word - .com.

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pledge.meatfreemondays.com.

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pledge.meatfreemondays.com.

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pledge.meatfreemondays.com.

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You can do it, right now, please.

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Wow!

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-What was that?

-It's definitely not as good as his early work.

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See, you say that's bad.

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-Yeah.

-The first time I heard that, that was in my head for a week.

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-Have you met him?

-No, I'd love to meet him.

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I saw him at this thing and I went over and he went, "Oh, hello, Frank."

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And I thought, A, he knows my name, and then he said to his fiancee,

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"This is a very famous British comedian."

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And I can't tell you how good I felt.

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And I was so pleased,

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and then someone went past with a tray of little bits of food,

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and I took a small burger off it and went like that, and he went.

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And I tried to put it back, but they'd gone.

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I ended up... I held...

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You know when you're behind the bike shed having a smoke

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and the teacher... I held the burger behind my back like that,

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hoping that he might have forgotten about it.

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-Do you like his stuff?

-Yeah, I mean, I love the Beatles.

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We was at the NME Awards and he was there and my partner is a massive

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Beatles fan so I was like, "You've got to tap him when he comes past."

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And he did stop and say hello, but that was about it.

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I'm a bit disappointed that this has become me coming on to talk about how much I love Paul McCartney

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and then just hearing stories about how everyone else has met Paul McCartney.

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There are some amazing Paul McCartney lookalikes around.

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Look at this woman.

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Look at this woman!

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-God bless her.

-Brilliant!

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Can I say, God bless her?

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I do not mock this lovely old lady in her little Welsh home.

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-She's so cute.

-But it has to be said that she does have more than a passing resemblance.

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They certainly share a hairdresser, I think.

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-Yeah.

-That's fantastic.

-And what about this woman?

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That is him!

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-Wow!

-He's allowed to relax if he wants to.

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What do you Google if you want to find people who look astonishingly like Paul McCartney?

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-Exactly that.

-Just that?

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And so to Sandi.

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Yeah, pointless things you learn at school.

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-APPLAUSE

-I have got... Yeah.

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So, let's start with mathematics.

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OK, so I spent many,

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many hours of my youth learning about something called logarithms.

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Now, I didn't understand what they were for,

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they seemed to me entirely pointless,

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and the very day that I finally understood what they were about,

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we moved on and did something else

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and they've never come up again in my entire life.

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So, not just the intellectual stuff that I think is a waste of space

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in my brain. I know, for example, how an oxbow lake is formed.

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Who cares?

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It was physical education.

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They used to strip us down to our underwear and make us try and do a forward roll.

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Now, I do not know...

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LAUGHTER

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I am never going to throw myself off a train at high speed...

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The forward roll, I have to say, is still a great way to arrive in a tent.

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It's my personal favourite.

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But I was asked to do one on a TV show about two years ago.

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I hadn't done one for 40 years but they said, "Can you do a forward roll?"

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And I said, "Yes," because I could remember doing one.

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So, I did it with tremendous confidence and gusto.

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I honestly felt like I'd fallen out of a helicopter.

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I do cartwheel occasionally, if the lift doors are beginning to close.

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I have to say my father was brilliant about all these things

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because he was a very patient man

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and I was struggling with some French one day,

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and he said, "Yes, yes, funny thing, French -

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"in French, "cheval" means "horse."

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"It's like that all the way through.

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"They have a different word for each one of ours. It's very annoying."

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In art class - I can't really draw -

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the only tip I remember was they were teaching us to draw faces

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and they said, "Start with the eyes, and always remember that eyes are halfway down the head."

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And that's... Well, that's not true.

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Oh, yeah, of course they are, that's why I have my glasses on under my ears.

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We're not 50% forehead.

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You speak for yourself.

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LAUGHTER

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Do you know what...

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The worst thing about that, I started saying it,

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and for the last 30 seconds I've been thinking,

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"I can't even look at Frank."

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There is a professor from Newcastle University who says there is

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no longer any point in teaching how to spell

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because in the age of spell check and predictive text,

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it's a completely pointless skill.

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That's not true, though, darling, because predictive text can be

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unpredictable and therefore you need to make sure it's right, you know?

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Well, I had... I was trying to write,

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for some reason I won't go into, a text message,

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which included the name Nostradamus.

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And I spelt it wrongly and it offered me "nostril."

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And you'd think predictive text would have some respect for Nostradamus!

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The Godfather of all predictivity.

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So, I went to get... You have to get a birth certificate done,

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we'd just had a baby, and her middle name is Virginia.

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Oh, no.

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And you'd think the one thing that you could do if you're a registrar is spell.

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So she turns the birth certificate round

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and it says "vagina" on it!

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But I was so embarrassed.

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So she's still got that now?

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No, no, no.

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I...

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You can change it?

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The worst thing is, her first name's Frannie, she got that wrong as well!

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No, it's not!

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There must be some things you learned from school that you still use.

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Of course, I mean, you know, it was quite useful to learn to read.

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It seemed like every science lesson I was learning to use a Bunsen burner.

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Not a skill that has come up once in my life.

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Comes round, do you want a cup of tea?

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I'll just pop on the Bunsen burner.

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Blue flame, I'm not an idiot.

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All you do with the orange flame,

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all you did with the orange flame, one use...

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That's all you do.

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Tiny piece of copper, big tongs, goggles on.

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What's the point?

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And in science we'd be dispatched into the car park with a wheel

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on a stick and we'd just walk around clicking for hours.

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Just going, "I don't know what I'm learning here."

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Would you like to relive that moment?

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Go on.

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-Brilliant!

-And you're going, "Is this going to come up in the exam?"

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"How big's the car park?"

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Oh, it is satisfying, though, isn't it?

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Oh, isn't it!? Isn't it!?

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Do you know what, I'm back... It's 1993 again.

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Ooh.

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-Wait for it.

-Oooh!

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CLICKS

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Oooh!

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Sounds like I've got a bad knee.

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-Oooh!

-That is weirdly satisfying.

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It is, isn't it?

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It's great if you don't want the responsibility of a real pet.

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Yeah!

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Do you know what you should have, you should have that with a

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-hamster in it.

-That's good.

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And then you could go, "I'm just going to take my hamster for a walk."

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Marvellous. It is the precise method that the American pioneers used on

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the wagon wheels as they went across to try and work out how many miles

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-they had travelled.

-Is that right?

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-Yeah.

-And did they click?

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Uh...

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They got on but I wouldn't say they clicked.

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OK.

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And so to Vicky.

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Leaflets in hotel rooms.

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-Hm!

-I live in hotels quite a lot because, you know, I live in Nottingham,

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-which is miles away from London.

-Hm.

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And you go into the room,

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you go to put your bag down and you can't see the table for, you know,

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the trips to here and there.

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You just need your bed and your telly, done.

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Sparse.

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There we go, keep it simple.

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Then, there's even phones now.

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There's these weird things where you go in and they're like mobile phones,

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just in a port.

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Oh, yes.

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Does that operate the television?

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I've no idea.

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I've no idea.

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Here am I thinking, "Nottingham, are they still going?"

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Let's have a look at some leaflets from hotel rooms.

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Some of them are a little disturbing.

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-Wow.

-Whoa.

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At first I thought, "Why has she got a vest on in the shower?"

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Yeah.

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What is the point of that leaflet, though?

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Well, it says, "Showering just got a whole lot more fun."

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That looks like one of those things you're meant to hang on your door.

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-Yeah.

-Is that the third option?

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Leave me alone, tidy my room,

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or shower me in fun.

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I have one which I find even more unnerving.

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Oh, wow.

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There is a man getting his money's worth from the free Wi-Fi, I would say.

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-Look at his face.

-Yeah.

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Yeah, he's gelled for the event.

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God, I hope he's gelled.

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Oh!

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"Do not disturb.

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"Favor de no molestar."

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I'm hoping that's a translation of "do not disturb."

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Not the hotel slogan, "special favours for molesters."

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I'll tell you what I hate, when you have to phone down for the Wi-Fi code.

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The way they kind of smugly reply to you, like,

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there's an element that they're going, "We know what you're up to."

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And I'm not, 10% of the time, I'm not.

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What about... This is the sign on a hotel lift.

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LAUGHTER

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I don't even understand what that...

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It... What else could it possibly mean?

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What is after hours ass?

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There's only one way to find out, isn't there?

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-Yeah!

-Yeah, I wonder how many...

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If you're are not pressing that out of curiosity...

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-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-..you need to have a long hard look at yourself.

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-Yeah.

-You don't want to be woken up at three o'clock by someone leading

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a donkey into your room.

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Or maybe you do.

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Um... It is a nightmare,

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the leaflets thing, I must admit.

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I agree we are taught pointless things.

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But one of my favourite things is pointless knowledge of all kinds.

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Bear in mind that Sandi's talking about pointless things being taught

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and she's the presenter of QI.

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Yeah, those things are not pointless.

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LAUGHTER

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So, I think it's about time this wrong was righted.

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I am going to put people who are rude about Paul McCartney into Room 101.

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Yes!

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Yes!

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OK, what's making Josh angry?

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Right.

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AUDIENCE: Ooooh!

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Oh!

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Bring it on.

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This I truly believe.

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I spent my teenage years teaching myself to like the taste of lager

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so that I could be considered one of the boys.

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I managed it.

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I've been fine with that,

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even though we all know none of us actually like the taste.

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Now, they've brought along this worse drink called real ale.

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Have you seen...

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Awful. Right, these people who drink real ale,

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they act like they're better than you, Frank.

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-They act like they're better than you.

-Hm.

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They'll go, "Oh, it tastes so much, so good."

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No-one is drinking alcohol for the taste.

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You're not. Otherwise you wouldn't keep drinking it.

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I like the taste of milk.

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I stop after one glass.

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You don't find me at 2am eight pints of milk down.

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There's got to be another dairy somewhere, hasn't there?

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I mean,

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you go and buy it,

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and you have to queue behind them because they're sampling it and then

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they have to kind of...

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Have you seen them trying to push it out of the pump?

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It's like they're kind of sluicing a chemical toilet.

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And you have to stand there and it looks like a canal,

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it might as well have a shopping trolley in it.

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And they're acting like they're cooler than you.

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You're not cooler than me because you drink real ale.

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James Bond wouldn't be as cool if when he was in the casino the woman

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came over and said, "Can I get you another drink, 007?"

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"Yeah, just a pint of Otter's Cock, please."

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That is one of my... One of my problems with it is

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it's all slightly ironic, isn't it?

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It's all got comedy names.

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-Yeah!

-People go and have a pint of Needless Cruelty.

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It's in a pub called, like, The Uncertain Zebra.

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It's like you might as well go in and ask for a pint of mead.

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I didn't go to the pub to drink like Henry VIII.

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No, that's a good motto.

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Yeah.

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I remember in the '80s, the first time, the first wave of real ale,

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and then it was all about men in jumpers and big beards and stuff

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-like that drinking it.

-Yeah.

-But now I think it's become quite cool, hasn't it?

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Yeah, it has. I live in East London and it's full of people, you know,

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you'll go to their house and they'll go, "Do you want...

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"I've made some home-brew, do you want it?"

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and you go, "No."

0:18:340:18:35

"I'll have the one that passed EU safety standards, please."

0:18:350:18:40

But you must...

0:18:400:18:42

I mean, but they're...

0:18:420:18:43

You must like the taste of some alcohol.

0:18:430:18:46

-Wonderful wines and whiskeys.

-Yeah, I enjoy them.

0:18:460:18:48

Is it all just about getting drunk?

0:18:480:18:50

Life? Yes.

0:18:500:18:51

No, it's this kind of celebration of the drink that does taste worse.

0:18:530:18:58

You know, let's be honest,

0:18:580:19:00

it doesn't taste as good as a nice cool, crisp lager.

0:19:000:19:05

You go to someone's house for a home-brew and, "Oh, we mixed it, you know,

0:19:050:19:10

"I mixed it in my bath but don't worry, I washed the bath first."

0:19:100:19:13

That's not... I don't care, it is a bath.

0:19:130:19:16

If you said, "Is this plate clean?"

0:19:160:19:18

"Well, I washed it but before that I was sat on it naked."

0:19:180:19:21

It's the confidence.

0:19:230:19:24

Why do you think you can make beer?

0:19:240:19:26

I can't get the, you know, the ratios of Ribena right.

0:19:260:19:30

At least that's not going to send me blind if I get it wrong.

0:19:300:19:33

I love that people are trying to do the old crafts themselves.

0:19:330:19:36

I think that's a wonderful thing, to make your own beer.

0:19:360:19:39

I don't think I've ever tried a real ale but I think you should be applauded for giving it a go, no?

0:19:390:19:43

Well, come back to me when you've tried a real ale and been unable to see for 48 hours.

0:19:430:19:47

What about this? This is a bit of old footage from BBC Nationwide.

0:19:480:19:53

And just listen out, by the way, to how much this man can drink.

0:19:530:19:58

This takes me back.

0:19:580:19:59

Alan Hunter, a man who can really hold his beer,

0:19:590:20:03

whichever way you look at it.

0:20:030:20:05

For nearly a year now, he's been defying the laws of specific gravity.

0:20:050:20:09

Drinking beer the right way up, his form is impressive.

0:20:090:20:13

He's capable of sinking 32 pints in an evening.

0:20:130:20:17

The only time he's ever tasted defeat was when he was beaten

0:20:170:20:20

by two seconds over a five-pint sprint.

0:20:200:20:23

But to be fair, on that occasion his opponent was a horse.

0:20:230:20:26

When I saw him like that it reminded me of your story of doing a forward roll.

0:20:300:20:35

OK, to Vicky.

0:20:370:20:39

Yeah, coat hangers.

0:20:450:20:46

-Hm.

-Yeah.

0:20:460:20:48

The one thing that really bugs me is when you go into a shop,

0:20:480:20:52

you've not even attempted to look at something and it's on the floor.

0:20:520:20:57

Before you know it you're doing a shift, you're there,

0:20:570:20:59

every time you touch something it's on the floor.

0:20:590:21:02

Oh, yeah, get up.

0:21:020:21:04

They don't hang. They just...

0:21:040:21:06

Why is that, though?

0:21:060:21:07

I don't know. And then you've got so...

0:21:070:21:09

Look at that, you've got like a variety of coat hangers.

0:21:090:21:13

The velvet ones, you can't get your clothes off.

0:21:130:21:17

That's it.

0:21:170:21:18

That's just the way it is.

0:21:180:21:21

Also, the one thing that really annoys me is if you've, like,

0:21:210:21:24

got a bit of a backlog,

0:21:240:21:25

so you've got your bag of coat hangers and you think, "Oh,

0:21:250:21:28

"I'll just go and grab a coat hanger from the bag."

0:21:280:21:30

No, it's like the whole thing comes out.

0:21:300:21:33

It's rattling around, it's in your face.

0:21:330:21:36

You know, it's... I've got a real problem.

0:21:360:21:39

I think those are all very good points.

0:21:390:21:41

-They are.

-If you look at a coat hanger...

0:21:410:21:45

um...

0:21:450:21:47

even my shoulders don't slope

0:21:470:21:51

to that degree.

0:21:510:21:53

Why on Earth did they make that you have to hang something on a slope?

0:21:530:21:59

-Yeah.

-With a normal one, when I hang my pants up to dry...

0:21:590:22:03

You know when you hang your pants up to dry?

0:22:040:22:07

No.

0:22:070:22:08

I don't mean when you've washed them.

0:22:080:22:11

They will not...

0:22:120:22:14

Look, everything is...

0:22:140:22:16

They will not... And I've ended up putting pants on hangers...

0:22:160:22:20

..like this.

0:22:210:22:23

And there's something very unnerving about coming through the fly.

0:22:240:22:29

It's like a very terrible scene from Peter Pan

0:22:290:22:32

that didn't make the book.

0:22:320:22:34

Wouldn't it make more sense if coat hangers were shaped like that?

0:22:340:22:38

-Yes.

-And then you'd have the proper shoulders.

0:22:380:22:41

-Try it with the pants.

-Look, these were born for pants.

0:22:410:22:46

-Yeah, they're good.

-Well, it hangs.

-Absolutely.

0:22:460:22:50

Also, if it ever rains two-dimensionally...

0:22:500:22:52

Someone asks you directions in the street.

0:22:560:22:58

"Do you know where the chemist is?"

0:22:580:23:00

I honestly think that is a more...

0:23:030:23:06

It's way more practical, I agree.

0:23:060:23:07

Somebody's going to steal that off you, you know that, right?

0:23:070:23:10

I don't care. God, I don't need any more money.

0:23:100:23:12

I find it difficult to get the trouser balance right.

0:23:140:23:17

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

0:23:170:23:18

Because one side of the trouser is heavier than the other side of the

0:23:180:23:21

-trouser.

-It slips off.

-It slips off.

0:23:210:23:23

-You need staff.

-I need staff?

0:23:230:23:25

There is... Have you seen these ones that stop trousers slipping off?

0:23:250:23:31

-So, they've got like an extra...

-Oh.

-Oh.

-Have you seen that?

0:23:310:23:34

-Yeah.

-You look like Robin Hood.

0:23:340:23:35

You can actually... I have just for leisure at home...

0:23:350:23:40

It will actually...

0:23:420:23:45

Watch yourselves.

0:23:450:23:47

And if you get that into the wardrobe door you can hang

0:23:480:23:51

a coat hanger on it.

0:23:510:23:53

OK, and so to Sandi.

0:23:530:23:55

Ah, yes.

0:23:550:23:57

Yes, bar stools.

0:23:580:24:00

So, what happens is... Again,

0:24:000:24:02

let us imagine that you're on a first date and you've dressed up,

0:24:020:24:06

you look rather marvellous, and you walk into the bar thinking you look rather marvellous and they say,

0:24:060:24:10

"Shall we meet at the bar for a drink?" "What a marvellous idea." And the stool is here.

0:24:100:24:14

Now, we've already established I'm not a gymnast.

0:24:190:24:21

I can't leap onto the thing.

0:24:210:24:23

So I try and sort of casually...

0:24:230:24:25

"No, I don't want to sit, actually, I'm fine."

0:24:270:24:31

And then always, as I'm waiting, some woman who is fresh off a basketball court and seven foot tall

0:24:310:24:37

comes to the bar stool next to me and just goes like that.

0:24:370:24:41

So... I don't even like the name of them.

0:24:410:24:43

Bar stools. It just sounds rude.

0:24:430:24:46

-Hm.

-So I think they're...

0:24:460:24:48

-Bar stools! I'd never thought of that.

-Yeah, they're heightist.

0:24:480:24:51

We should have a... We've got a bar stool here.

0:24:510:24:53

-Oh, dear God.

-This I think is a fairly standard bar stool.

0:24:530:24:59

Would you be happy with this?

0:24:590:25:00

Yes, I mean, the thing is,

0:25:000:25:02

once you're on it, as well, I don't know how you're supposed to...

0:25:020:25:05

Look at it, just straightaway, I'd have no idea how to...

0:25:050:25:08

No, it does... I've never really...

0:25:080:25:09

So, I'd have to clutch the bar, I think, to start with.

0:25:110:25:15

Imagine I've arrived, I haven't had a drink yet.

0:25:150:25:17

Oh, goodness me, I'm anxious.

0:25:200:25:22

Plus, it's a bloody swivel one...

0:25:220:25:25

Oh, my God.

0:25:280:25:31

At this precise...

0:25:310:25:33

At this precise moment, my date arrives.

0:25:400:25:43

And then you're on and you have a couple.

0:25:450:25:48

Now you've got to get off again.

0:25:480:25:51

It's a nightmare!

0:25:510:25:53

Do you do a leap? Now, the forward roll now would be very helpful.

0:25:530:25:57

-Oh, that would be interesting.

-That would be cool, right?

0:25:570:25:59

-Yeah.

-But they say, "Your table's ready."

0:25:590:26:01

And you think, "OK." "You go ahead, I'll be... I'm just...

0:26:010:26:05

"I'm going to wipe the bar down for a little bit."

0:26:050:26:08

Thank you, darling. Frank's got terrible manners.

0:26:130:26:16

I'm 5'10", and as you say, I dread any first date on one of these.

0:26:210:26:27

-Yeah.

-Because the thing is when you slide off, which you do,

0:26:270:26:31

your trousers ride up quite a bit,

0:26:310:26:33

which you don't want on a first date,

0:26:330:26:35

especially as I am...

0:26:350:26:37

..I favour a garterette.

0:26:400:26:42

-What is that?

-And it's something you want them to find out maybe week two or three.

-Yeah.

0:26:440:26:49

Are they real or painted on with Bovril?

0:26:500:26:52

But it's not... I mean... Have a go...

0:26:540:26:56

-Vicky, have a go. See if you can be elegant, darling.

-Do try it, Vicky.

0:26:560:26:59

Because you're taller than me and you've got heels.

0:26:590:27:01

The thing is they do make me nervous because...

0:27:010:27:04

Oh, yeah.

0:27:040:27:06

I'm not a fan of them, I have to agree.

0:27:060:27:08

I find myself clutching the front.

0:27:080:27:11

-Yeah.

-So, I look like I've been caught mid-leapfrog.

0:27:110:27:14

Oooh!

0:27:140:27:16

Oh!

0:27:160:27:17

Sandi!

0:27:170:27:19

Yay!

0:27:230:27:25

We've come to the end of that round.

0:27:350:27:37

Real ale, I don't... Really,

0:27:370:27:41

I just want to put alcohol in but that would be very unfair.

0:27:410:27:44

Yeah, I'd fight against that.

0:27:440:27:46

Oh, God, the bar stools thing is very tempting because it's never occurred

0:27:460:27:51

to me that if you're... I'm not saying you're short but if you're not tall,

0:27:510:27:55

shall we say, it's a problem.

0:27:550:27:58

But coat hangers, they're badly designed, they're upside down,

0:27:580:28:02

they're complicated, they're hostile,

0:28:020:28:04

I'm going to put coat hangers into Room 101.

0:28:040:28:07

Yay!

0:28:070:28:08

And that brings us to the end of the show.

0:28:170:28:19

Well done, Josh, you were the most persuasive guest, so you are this week's winner.

0:28:190:28:22

Thanks very much Josh Widdicombe, Sandi Toksvig and Vicky McClure,

0:28:290:28:34

and thank you. Goodnight.

0:28:340:28:36

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