Episode 5 Room 101

Hello, I'm Frank Skinner

and welcome to Room 101.

This week joining me in the game of moans are

man down Roisin Conaty,

man up, Nish Kumar,

and man-to-man marking, Chris Kamara.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, so what is upsetting Nish?

Er, I am very upset with people who are really into cars.

I don't get why they are so into cars.

Like, I mean, that may be because I can't drive,

which could be a huge factor in it.

But I just, I find it so tedious when people are like,

"Yeah, I'm just, just really into my automobiles."

I just think, "Ah, man, I want to kill you and myself, right."

I don't understand why people are so into a mode of transport.

And also, the people that are into it are considered sort of cool and

interesting. Like train spotters are pariahs but people who are really

into cars get their own Amazon shows.

Like, it doesn't make any sense to me.

And it's not just the fact that they're cars,

it's the fact that cars sort of pollute the atmosphere.

That people who are into them are called petrolheads,

as if that's a good thing, but petrol is killing people.

So if you call people like the Boy Stranglers, like,

it wouldn't be anywhere near as cool. And it's not just cars.

It's also just the fact that they, all the wider culture of it,

like I hate Formula 1, I think it's unbelievably dull,

and I like Test cricket so that is saying something.

Er, I don't like the film Drive,

I think Cars is the worst Pixar film

and anyone who says that their ideal car isn't the Batmobile

I have no interest in speaking to.

Wow, that's fairly, fairly comprehensive.

I feel very strongly about this, frank.

I think I'm, at this stage I'm with you.

I drive a car but I have no real interest in cars.

I mean, I drive a BMW,

3 Series.

I'm saying that because someone asked me and I said,

"It's a Series 3."

They looked at me, I said,

"You know the one when Rachel leaves her job at Central Perk."

But it's um... There aren't many things I've paid 30 grand for

that I would leave in the gutter outside my house

covered in bird excrement.

It is a weird thing. I feel it should be locked up.

I agree. I don't like, I don't like people who are really into cars.

I'm not into cars. But I am into the lifestyle.

I like the gloves. Driving gloves.

-Oh, no, those are the creepiest things in the world.

-They're not, they're so cool.

Can I ask you, do you keep the gloves in the glove compartment?

-Well, I can't drive.

-Oh!

I bet Kammy likes cars.

-Do you like cars?

-Yeah, Nish, I'm an ex-footballer, innit.

So you know, once you've got enough money in the bank, you think,

Range Rover?

A Mercedes soft top?

You know?

A Rolls-Royce?

Have you ever owned a Rolls-Royce?

No.

I tell you what, what do you think of this. I'm guessing you don't own one of these.

This is, it's a, it's a mouse for the old computer,

but it's a Porsche mouse.

If you look at that,

it's actually in the shape of

a Porsche. Stylish?

I'll show you, I'll show you my mouse.

Quite normal.

But, on the back...

LAUGHTER

What would you say was worse then, people who are really into cars,

or people who are really into trains?

I mean...

..neither is ideal.

We've got, we've got a clip of some train spotters,

waiting for that legendary train,

the Flying Scotsman, and I've got to say I love this.

Aw, look at it.

Would you believe... Ah, bloody hell.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK. So what is upsetting Kammy.

Oh.

Hopefully, everyone will agree with me on this one, Frank.

I have to say, I get upset when men don't stand up for women

on the trains, or senior citizens.

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

It's so annoying. It really is so annoying.

Cos I do the trains all the time.

Cos traffic jams in London, they just do my head in.

So my Achilles heel is getting in a taxi, or whatever,

because Sky's the other side of London, so I drive to there quite a lot.

Um, so I get the train

and when I get off the train at King's Cross I get the Tube.

Don't feel you have to give us the whole route, Kammy.

Well, it is, it's the Piccadilly line...

Right, so when I get off the...

Season-ticket?

No, no, I've got one of them things that you just put in the machine,

what's it called, something card?

-Money.

-Oyster card.

-Oyster card.

So you put the Oyster card in and you...

So I get on the Piccadilly line after I get to King's Cross.

Right, all the way to Osterley.

And then I walk from Osterley...

I don't know about you, I liked him a lot better in the Merc.

So when I'm on the, when I'm on the Tube, at certain times of the day,

when it's really, really crowded, and there's no seats, right,

there are men who allow women,

or senior citi, citizens,

easy for me to say,

there are men who allow women or senior citizens to...

LAUGHTER

I've got a lisp!

So it annoys me so much, it really does.

But is there an argument here?

Because your modern woman wants to be treated as an equal, then why,

why should we stand up?

Well, because they've got the option to say, "Thank you very much for

"offering but I'd rather stand."

Right. It's on me, then, is it?

Brilliant.

What do you think, Roisin?

I don't expect to be offered a seat by a man,

um, I don't think it's necessary.

But I do agree with you for older people, or if a woman is pregnant,

I agree absolutely, 100%.

Literally makes no difference to me,

because I get on a Tube carriage and everyone gets off anyway.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It's the only...

You've got to get rid of that backpack!

Absolutely not, Frank. It's the only acceptable form of racism!

Because it's a form of racism that results in me sitting all the way home!

There's a woman here proving that men standing up is not always

necessarily a good thing.

Oh!

CHRIS LAUGHS

I have a little confession to make.

-Go on.

-I did once, I was really hung over and I wanted a seat.

So I'd just like breathed out as much as I could.

Just didn't say it.

-Wow!

-But I just let it go.

And I got a seat.

And I went, "Thank you," and that was it.

But I did a, yeah, so I have, yeah, I faked a preggo, see.

-I'd have given you my seat, Roisin.

-Thank you very much.

That's brilliant. Well, I'm all for politeness.

You wouldn't have needed to breathe out, either.

So I think the moral is...

What are you saying, Chris?

LAUGHTER

Well, I'm 60. Do you think people should...

No-one has yet stood up for me on... I'm waiting for that day.

Because you're young and you're virile.

No, but I'm 60. You have no idea if I'm virile!

So I was travelling from South Ealing, right, to Covent Garden

cos I was doing, er, some work in Soho.

So I thought, right, I get on the Tube,

so, I get as far as Hammersmith.

It really gets crowded. And there's a lady there, and I said,

"Would you like a seat?" And she said, "No, I don't want one thanks."

I went, please.

So I got up and gave my seat.

She said, "Well I've only got three stops to go, I'm going to Earls Court."

I said, "Well, it doesn't matter."

After I've... It's no problem.

So she takes my seat.

So she sits in my seat and I'm stood there.

Just as we get to Earls Court, somebody asked me for a photo.

Says, I've been watching Soccer Saturday, would you have a photo?

And where were they going?

I presume they were getting off at Earls Court.

-Right, OK.

-Yeah. Quickly.

Changing to District?

So they take a quick selfie and then when I look back, there's a young fella sat in my seat.

Ahhh.

-Now that...

-I'm gutted. I'm absolutely devastated.

Not only is there a young fella sat in my seat, there's an old,

a mature lady, I should say,

with a walking stick stood right in front of him.

So I am fuming.

So he's got his headset on, listening to music.

So I pulled the thing out of his ear...

-Whoa.

-And I've said,

do you realise there's a lady there who needs to sit down.

He went...

"I broke my leg in a car accident.

"And that's my nan with the walking stick!"

-So it has backfired on me, I have to say.

-Yeah.

OK, what's upsetting Roisin?

Ex-partners.

Right guys.

Um, I would like to put, and not just mine,

but I think everyone's ex-partners into Room 101 because

I think, they're not any good, are they?

Er it's like, I don't think there's any reason to have to experience

someone you've been romantically intimate with, ever again

after that's done.

And now because of the social media and you know, friends...

LAUGHTER

You've got to still meet them in the modern world.

It never makes an evening better seeing one, "Oh, brilliant.

"My ex is here." It's a really odd thing.

I think there should be a way in which like you can sort of just,

you know, not be on the same grid, so you never bump into them again,

-like some sort of Uber map or something.

-Um, I mean I do...

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you!

One person, going through a horrific break-up!

Either that or that's one of your exes.

Once you've seen someone naked...

-Yeah.

-..you can never really see them with clothes on again.

Yeah. So you're in Waitrose, and you're talking,

having this weird conversation, where you're sort of

where have you been... But it's all mad.

This is madness that we're talking like this with the things we've done.

Like, I don't want to... This is crazy,

that we're talking to each other about you know, like, "Oh, yes,

"the new book shop's opened, it's great." It's crazy.

I always think though if you want to see someone at their absolute best,

I mean looking amazing,

invite them to any event that they know their ex is going to be at.

-Yeah, but then...

-And they make such a supreme effort.

-They look fantastic.

-The first hour they look amazing.

And then the second hour, they're normally wined out of their mind.

So the first hour, they are like, "Yeah, I'm doing really great.

And the second, they are like... Just like...jittery.

I mean, I'm friends with all my exes but I just think sometimes it

would be quite nice if you go,

"I'll never have to meet anyone I've been romantic with ever again."

I suppose on one level I hate the idea that they can live without me!

Oh, no, they can miss you, they just never get to see you!

-Yeah.

-Sometimes when you see, like,

it can be sort of affirming when you see an ex,

because you look at them and you go,

"Oh, I really have grown a lot since then!"

Like, do you not think, like...

That came out much harsher!

And I also want to make clear that all of my exes, brackets two,

are very nice people...

There is something to be said for, like, looking at it and going,

-"Oh, we've both grown...

-You know, it makes me feel depressed.

I think, this is going to be really sad, but I feel like...

I remember being so in love with you,

and now that feels so alien that it makes me doubt love!

Wow! I love that!

I love that! You're right, you're right!

Thank you!

So, we come to the summary,

I do have a big problem with people who are into cars, I must say,

it does get on my nerves. But there are a lot of them,

and I'm starting to think it might be my own insecurities.

Exes...

I don't mind so much, if I feel I've had their golden years...

Oh!

How do you know when their golden years are?

People peak at different times!

Well, maybe. As you can imagine, a lot of my exes are actually dead!

So, it's not...

It's not such a problem for me.

Men standing up for women, I've got a problem with this as well, Kammy.

Because I'm thinking the way things are going in the world now,

you're liable to get head-butted by a feminist if you stand up.

I think I am going to put into Room 101

people who are mad about cars.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Roisin...

Oscar bait.

-What is that?

-So, around Oscar season you'll see the same

sort of films that get nominated.

And a lot of the time it's sort of extreme acting.

It's actors who take on roles to win Oscars,

but they're not actually acting.

Like Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenant.

He's not acting cold, he's cold!

He's just freezing! He's there,

he is not pretending to eat whatever he ate, he ate it.

He's saying, "Oh, look at me." It's not acting, you're doing it!

It's just like Bear Grylls!

-Good point.

-There's no acting in this.

I want to see him in the Sahara shivering,

then I'm like, "Look at that,

"you know how hot it is there and he's shivering."

He is filming in the Sahara, that's acting.

And also, actors who, they take on roles, and there's no storyline,

all they do is either get really big or really skinny and then do two

years of interviews saying what good actors they are.

Like, no, that's just dieting or eating doughnuts,

that's not acting either.

And the other one is when they get really sad films,

they do such, like, graphic crying when they're sad,

they don't even wipe the snot from their nose, they are just like...

Really ugly acting.

There's no kind of natural, you know when we're a bit like that?

And they leave the snot run down onto their lip?

And whenever I see that, I think, "You Oscar-hungry little sod!"

Instinct wipes it.

When it's like two lines of bubble and you're just like, "Let me tell you what you did..."

You're just like, "Oh, God!"

Maybe the Oscars should embrace it and have like the biggest

weight-loss or biggest weight.

You could have like a fatter Oscar!

We've got Charlize Theron in the film Monster,

she put on 30lbs by eating crisps

and wore prosthetic...

I mean, she's a fabulously attractive woman.

This is what she looked like in Monster.

It's uncomfortable for me, because that's what I look like!

-I look so much like Charlize Theron in Monster!

-That is not true!

What about all the ugly actors who could have played that part?

-Exactly!

-Think how many ugly actresses there must be

-who could have walked into that.

-She got an Oscar for becoming...

Listen, her performance is good, but fundamentally it's like,

"I made myself unattractive."

And they're like, "Give her the Oscar, how brave!"

But there'll be ugly people at home saying, "What about us?!

"We never get anything in life.

"Can't we just play...

"The rare opportunity to play an ugly person, they cast a beautiful person."

I don't even know why Hollywood actors want to do real?

Why not stick with what you know?

I know, because I get a lot of work...

I'm a teeth double in films set in Medieval England!

And the real thing, as well...

I don't know about you, but in life, people say stuff to me and I say,

"What?" And they have to repeat it. That never happens in a film!

They hear everything first time, everything.

No-one ever in the middle of the conversation goes, "Hold on a minute."

That never, ever happens.

The number of films I've seen with people running down a street

and not one of them has ever trod in a dog turd!

That's not statistically possible.

Exactly.

No-one ever farts in a movie.

And if they do, it's considered crass.

Exactly! Also, the Oscars itself is such a painful evening.

They read from the autocue like they've never read out loud

before in their lives.

This is John Travolta, a fine actor,

I've seen him in many brilliant things,

and he's presenting the singer Idina Menzel.

Here to perform the Oscar-nominated, gorgeously empowering song

Let It Go, from the Oscar-winning animated movie Frozen,

please welcome the wick-ed-ly talented, one and only,

Adele Dazene.

LAUGHTER

I remember that, it was so funny.

Idina Menzel becomes Adele Dazene.

It sounds like someone unplugged him.

It's the confidence of going, the wick-ed-ly talented...

When would you ever say that in life?!

OK, so what's upsetting Nish?

It's downloading music.

So, I...

..feel that the fact that we, download music has slightly spoiled things.

I really miss sort of the physical copy of a CD, or a record.

I really miss that. I think it's taken some of the sort of poetry and the romance out of music.

And it's ended the sort of culture of mix tapes and sharing music by

discovering it via your friends.

But then I am a certain type of person, and a couple of years ago,

my girlfriend bought me a record player.

And I said, "Oh, this is amazing."

And she said, "Yeah, I just thought you should have one because you seem

"like the sort of nob that does!"

LAUGHTER

She's not off-base with that!

And also like the event of going...

I went on the day the newest Kendrick Lamar album came out,

I went to my local record shop,

or the shell where my local record shop used to be.

I went in there and I said to the guy, I was like, "I can't wait,

"new Kendrick Lamar album." I couldn't see it on the shelves.

I was like, "Well, they must have sold out."

I went to the guy, "Do you have any copies left?"

And he was like, "No, it doesn't come out on CD for like two weeks."

I was like, "Oh, what am I supposed to do?"

He went, "Just download it!" I was like, "That's your business that you're ruining!"

What about you, Kammy? Do you download?

No, I don't download.

But just bringing that on from Nish.

Basically, going to the record shop to buy Dexy's Midnight Runners'

Come On Eileen.

Come On Eileen?!

I had no idea...

# Come on, Eileen... #

We know it!

You know, that was the main thing, you know, at the end of the day...

-What, every week?!

-No, not every week. I bought it once.

No wonder it was number one for so long!

When I first left home and I went to live in a bedsit,

I left and I didn't have a record player,

CD player, cassette player, I didn't have a television.

I really learned to appreciate the ice cream van!

Just any sort of music!

Are you old enough to remember the CD Walkman?

The Discman?

That's the first thing that I had to listen to music on.

I've got one here.

And this is what I remember about the Discman,

is that you'd have...

You'd be thinking, "I'm all set now for the music."

But the least little bump and it jumped the CD.

So, honestly, I would find myself...

This is how I used to walk listening to music.

LAUGHTER

I think people thought, "Look at that bloke, balancing a 50p piece

"on his private parts."

Queen facing away, obviously.

So, I don't miss that, Nish.

Oh, maybe I am wrong.

OK, so, to Kammy.

-This is my biggie, Frank.

-OK.

This is my biggie, I have to say - bread in restaurants.

-Hmm.

-So, we go out for a meal, we go to a restaurant, we get in there,

we order some drinks, as soon as we order the drinks,

a pint of lager for me...

Oh, no, it's like the travel story again!

I want to know how Kammy got to the restaurant.

-We got a taxi, Frank.

-Oh, OK.

Thank God!

Tap water for the missus, she's driving.

The taxi?!

Yeah, just in case she gets a call-out...

..while we're eating!

So then you get in the restaurant, so they come

and take the drinks order and then they bring the bread.

They bring the bread and they put it down.

And I know what you're going to say, "You don't have to eat it."

But you haven't eaten all day.

Right? So you know you're tempted.

So you go for the bread, little bit of butter on it.

While you're still waiting for the drinks little bit more,

eat it.

So then they bring the drinks.

Great, brilliant. So we're sat there, we're eating the bread

and then they put the order in.

So then there's some more bread, isn't there?

Kammy, I think you're in a bakery!

Kammy!

Oh, it's just bread upon bread upon bread!

Then dessert comes out.

What is it? Bread pudding! Good lord!

So then your starters come.

And I've ordered the tomato soup, and it comes with a bread roll.

So by the time my lobster Thermidor comes,

I don't want anything more to eat cos I've eaten all the bread.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, and I'm full, I'm completely full.

So that's why I want to throw bread in restaurants in Room 101.

I have to... Come on, that deserves a round of applause!

And don't get me wrong... Don't get me wrong, Frank,

I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for bread, you know?!

That has to be the trailer, Frank, that has to be the trailer!

"Don't get me wrong, Frank, I wouldn't be here today

"if it wasn't for bread!"

After hearing Kammy's story, I'm feeling a bit bloated.

But you're right, it is a strange thing that you go

into a restaurant and you say,

"I want a meal," and they say, "OK, I'll just go and get something

"to ruin your appetite."

And then they come... Why do they do that?

It doesn't make any sense, when you think about it.

-No, it doesn't.

-Wait, and I'll just have the food.

It's to stop you being cranky. In a busy restaurant, it's kind

of a good thing to do as well. You know when you get into a

restaurant and you're like, foaming, like, "I need food now."

-And they're like, "OK, that person looks crazy hungry."

-Yeah.

So that's probably like what they're thinking, he looks really hungry.

So if they give you bread and a bit of salad,

-it just takes the edge off.

-Exactly, it takes the edge off.

And then it slows down reading the menu,

you've got that lovely calm feeling.

It's all OK!

But when the food comes, I want to be hungry.

I'd rather that they gave, when I went in, they gave me marijuana...

..to make me hungrier, you know?

I know restaurants you can go in and you get that.

Just give me a call, Frank!

If anyone from Sky is watching, that was a joke.

No, it wasn't.

I think the Kamara household is the most industrious household

in Britain, cos your wife's driving taxis,

you're presenting football shows,

and apparently dealing drugs.

Well, we don't deal.

Kammy has got his standards.

I'm happy to just start the meal abruptly.

I don't need a ramp.

Where do you all stand on poppadoms? Because I think...

I think there is no Indian dish which is good enough to

follow poppadoms.

Poppadoms are so brilliant.

I try to limit myself to two.

Because, you know, once you poppadom, you can't stopadom.

What people do is they break a bit of poppadom

-and then they put a piece of poppadom back.

-Yeah.

And I'm losing count. I'm trying to eat two, but there's

half pieces, I don't know...

I've had nine, let's face it.

I've had nine with their accompanying pickles.

They're so brilliant.

Also, but I do realise my mother is definitely going to watch this show

and she is now going to see what you've said

as some sort of a challenge extended.

So if you ever make it down to Croydon,

my mother will absolutely make you an Indian meal that she feels can

follow poppadoms. That is a 100% guarantee.

I am definitely going to come for the poppadoms.

What's the best route for me to take?

You get the Northern line...

Anyway, we come to the end.

And the Oscar bait, you know what...

..it's a really interesting thing,

with lots of points I'd never thought of before.

It doesn't sound like I've got it, though!

I know the old...

I know the old switcheroo.

Thank God for that!

The truth is, I think downloading music is brilliant.

I think the Oscars, I think that's really clever and insightful.

But could anything be better than Kammy talking about bread?!

I'm going to put bread in restaurants into Room 101.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And that brings us to the end of the show.

Well done...

Nish. You were the most persuasive guest,

so you are this week's winner.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks very much, Nish Kumar, Roisin Conaty and Chris Kamara.

And thank you, goodnight.