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Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101. This week providing the | 0:00:33 | 0:00:38 | |
whinge beneath my wings are - | 0:00:38 | 0:00:40 | |
look at me, Geri Horner, | 0:00:40 | 0:00:42 | |
lift me up, Katherine Ryan, and mi chico Latino, Adam Buxton. | 0:00:42 | 0:00:46 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:00:46 | 0:00:48 | |
So what is winding up, Katherine? | 0:00:56 | 0:00:58 | |
-Thank you. -SPORADIC APPLAUSE | 0:01:04 | 0:01:06 | |
We have evolved beyond the need of phone calls, they are an ambush. | 0:01:08 | 0:01:12 | |
I am not ever in a position where I want to have an immediate | 0:01:12 | 0:01:16 | |
back-and-forth conversation with someone, it is too intimate, | 0:01:16 | 0:01:20 | |
it is too much pressure. | 0:01:20 | 0:01:22 | |
It's like somebody standing nude in my bedroom. | 0:01:22 | 0:01:25 | |
I'm like, "How dare you?! You make an appointment with me | 0:01:25 | 0:01:28 | |
"if you would like to make a phone call." | 0:01:28 | 0:01:30 | |
I do not want anyone ringing me on the phone and having a chat. | 0:01:30 | 0:01:34 | |
No, never. I'm not answering it. | 0:01:34 | 0:01:35 | |
I've even trained people not to leave voicemails. | 0:01:35 | 0:01:38 | |
I have a very hostile greeting. | 0:01:38 | 0:01:40 | |
Yet, people persist! | 0:01:43 | 0:01:45 | |
They ring me all the time! | 0:01:45 | 0:01:46 | |
My dad rings me! | 0:01:46 | 0:01:48 | |
Builders ring me! | 0:01:49 | 0:01:51 | |
People ring me looking for money that I owe them. | 0:01:51 | 0:01:54 | |
I don't want to answer it. | 0:01:54 | 0:01:56 | |
-I just won't answer it. -I know what you mean, it's very intrusive. | 0:01:56 | 0:02:00 | |
-Thank you, yes. -I don't like it when people switch media on you. | 0:02:00 | 0:02:04 | |
So you text someone and then they phone you back. | 0:02:04 | 0:02:08 | |
That is, what are you doing? | 0:02:08 | 0:02:10 | |
-Very presumptuous. -It's like a duel! | 0:02:11 | 0:02:14 | |
If I turn up with a sword for a... | 0:02:14 | 0:02:17 | |
Don't turn up with a flintlock pistol! | 0:02:17 | 0:02:19 | |
When I've decided how we're going to do it. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:23 | |
And I really love the multimedia of texting, | 0:02:23 | 0:02:27 | |
you can include so many embellishments now. | 0:02:27 | 0:02:30 | |
I really love a jolly GIF. | 0:02:30 | 0:02:33 | |
I have group chats, you can get so much done without using your voice. | 0:02:34 | 0:02:39 | |
My mother: "I just wanted to hear your voice." | 0:02:39 | 0:02:41 | |
"I moved away from you, no." | 0:02:41 | 0:02:42 | |
My dad rings me and identifies himself three times, | 0:02:44 | 0:02:48 | |
even though it says who it is. | 0:02:48 | 0:02:50 | |
He'll go, "Hello, Katherine, it's me, your father, Finbar Ryan." | 0:02:50 | 0:02:53 | |
And I'm like... | 0:02:53 | 0:02:55 | |
"Yeah, I know it is. | 0:02:57 | 0:03:00 | |
"What?" | 0:03:00 | 0:03:01 | |
Did you not...? When you were younger, though, | 0:03:03 | 0:03:06 | |
didn't you have conversations with romantic partners? | 0:03:06 | 0:03:09 | |
I'm not too old to date. | 0:03:09 | 0:03:12 | |
But... Yeah, OK, so if I'm in a new relationship, | 0:03:14 | 0:03:17 | |
I get really excited when that person rings and I want to talk to them. | 0:03:17 | 0:03:20 | |
For about three weeks and then they can text me, | 0:03:20 | 0:03:22 | |
they know where I live if they want it. | 0:03:22 | 0:03:24 | |
The only thing that really winds me up when you're talking to | 0:03:28 | 0:03:31 | |
-someone on the phone and it cuts out... -Yes! | 0:03:31 | 0:03:34 | |
And they always come back and say, "I don't know what happened there." | 0:03:34 | 0:03:38 | |
"Of course you don't!" | 0:03:38 | 0:03:39 | |
You'd need some sort of knowledge of network coverage, | 0:03:39 | 0:03:42 | |
of basic radio wave technology... | 0:03:42 | 0:03:45 | |
Ideally, you'd be in the central HQ of the phone company. | 0:03:45 | 0:03:49 | |
You'll never know what happened there! Get over it! | 0:03:49 | 0:03:52 | |
Now Skype, I find terrifying. | 0:03:52 | 0:03:55 | |
Yes, video-chatting... | 0:03:55 | 0:03:56 | |
The whole thing, FaceTime, I just don't want to be seen when I'm talking. | 0:03:56 | 0:04:01 | |
You know, ringing in sick used to be just about your vocal skills. | 0:04:01 | 0:04:04 | |
"Uh, sorry..." | 0:04:04 | 0:04:06 | |
Now you've got to buy a drip. | 0:04:06 | 0:04:08 | |
It's really ruined that. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:13 | |
My current boyfriend is a millennial, | 0:04:13 | 0:04:15 | |
not bragging, and they are all about the video chat. | 0:04:15 | 0:04:19 | |
And he is this whole new type of, he only video-chats. | 0:04:19 | 0:04:23 | |
He'll be in the middle of the street video-chatting me. | 0:04:23 | 0:04:26 | |
And I'll say, "I'm in the car, I'm with people." | 0:04:26 | 0:04:28 | |
"Oh, how are they?" And it's become this group activity, | 0:04:28 | 0:04:31 | |
which I told him repeatedly I'm not into. | 0:04:31 | 0:04:33 | |
And then you're just talking to an image of yourself. | 0:04:35 | 0:04:38 | |
I think if we are all really honest, | 0:04:38 | 0:04:41 | |
everybody looks at themselves. | 0:04:41 | 0:04:43 | |
I actually sometimes... I put my hand up. I'm vain. | 0:04:43 | 0:04:45 | |
Sometimes I cover my own face | 0:04:45 | 0:04:48 | |
so I don't look at myself, so I look at the person | 0:04:48 | 0:04:51 | |
-that I'm speaking to. -Wow. | 0:04:51 | 0:04:54 | |
I think if we asked the audience, | 0:04:54 | 0:04:55 | |
there would be no-one else who does that. | 0:04:55 | 0:04:57 | |
You know, I'm guessing. Anyway, | 0:05:00 | 0:05:02 | |
I want to show you a text leading to a voice thing. | 0:05:02 | 0:05:06 | |
And this is a very beautiful, heart-warming little section. | 0:05:06 | 0:05:10 | |
Wow! | 0:05:21 | 0:05:22 | |
That must've been horrible! | 0:05:22 | 0:05:24 | |
My mother calls me always on a Sunday, and she always does it. | 0:05:24 | 0:05:29 | |
I just think that's her medium to communicate. | 0:05:29 | 0:05:33 | |
What if your mother wants to call you for a chat? | 0:05:33 | 0:05:35 | |
My mother is dead! | 0:05:35 | 0:05:36 | |
What if your mother DID want to call you for a chat? | 0:05:42 | 0:05:45 | |
Well, if she did want to call me for a chat, | 0:05:45 | 0:05:46 | |
she'd go through Derek Acorah. | 0:05:46 | 0:05:48 | |
That is my dead mother material out of the way. | 0:05:54 | 0:05:58 | |
OK, so what is winding up Geri? | 0:05:59 | 0:06:02 | |
You know, I wouldn't have had you down as a pen person. | 0:06:09 | 0:06:14 | |
I love writing, I'm always writing. | 0:06:14 | 0:06:17 | |
Little notes and things. | 0:06:17 | 0:06:18 | |
But, it's when you're on the phone and someone says... | 0:06:18 | 0:06:22 | |
You know, you want to take a note? | 0:06:22 | 0:06:24 | |
And you go to write the note down, and the pen doesn't work. | 0:06:24 | 0:06:28 | |
And then I end up running round the house, looking for a pen. | 0:06:28 | 0:06:31 | |
I actually find it really, really annoying. | 0:06:31 | 0:06:35 | |
I'm with you on this one. | 0:06:35 | 0:06:36 | |
What gets me most upset is when you have to do that... | 0:06:36 | 0:06:40 | |
It's like it's slightly fallen asleep, | 0:06:41 | 0:06:43 | |
and you have to wake it up with this... "Oh, sorry!" | 0:06:43 | 0:06:45 | |
and it starts working again. | 0:06:45 | 0:06:47 | |
Deodorant, ball-based deodorant. | 0:06:47 | 0:06:51 | |
-What's it called? Ball-based? Roll-on. -Roll-on? | 0:06:51 | 0:06:54 | |
Roll-on, yes! | 0:06:54 | 0:06:56 | |
They're not going to have something called ball-based deodorant. | 0:06:59 | 0:07:03 | |
They probably do, that's a useful product. | 0:07:03 | 0:07:07 | |
But it's the same principle as a ballpoint pen. | 0:07:07 | 0:07:10 | |
But I never have to get roll-on deodorant and really, | 0:07:10 | 0:07:13 | |
really scribble it on my chest to get it going. | 0:07:13 | 0:07:15 | |
It just starts straightaway, | 0:07:15 | 0:07:16 | |
why don't they make it with the same technology? | 0:07:16 | 0:07:18 | |
Why are you wearing deodorant on your chest? | 0:07:18 | 0:07:21 | |
-I've got some pens you might be interested in from my collection. -OK. | 0:07:23 | 0:07:27 | |
-That's of me? Oh, Spice Girl ones! -Look at that! | 0:07:27 | 0:07:31 | |
-Aw! -AUDIENCE WHOOPS | 0:07:31 | 0:07:33 | |
I have to say the picture is quite... | 0:07:33 | 0:07:36 | |
..it's quite bum-centric! | 0:07:38 | 0:07:40 | |
-It is! -You know what? | 0:07:40 | 0:07:42 | |
Isn't it funny, now I can see that, at the time I didn't realise. | 0:07:42 | 0:07:46 | |
-What...? -Yeah. -You didn't realise? | 0:07:46 | 0:07:47 | |
-Isn't it fun, when you're, like, younger... -Did you not notice where the camera was? | 0:07:47 | 0:07:51 | |
-I didn't realise it was saying, "Hey, look at my bum." -Yes. | 0:07:52 | 0:07:54 | |
-I didn't realise. -It's so "look at my bum." | 0:07:54 | 0:07:57 | |
The fact they're called felt pens I find a worry. | 0:07:57 | 0:07:59 | |
It reminds me, you know I was the first practising Catholic to win | 0:08:01 | 0:08:05 | |
Rear Of The Year. There's a picture of me. | 0:08:05 | 0:08:08 | |
Ah, look at you! | 0:08:10 | 0:08:12 | |
Yeah, we both fell into the same trap, didn't we? | 0:08:12 | 0:08:14 | |
Hold on a minute. Can we just talk about what you're wearing there? | 0:08:14 | 0:08:18 | |
-What is that? -I'm wearing long johns. | 0:08:18 | 0:08:20 | |
Is that the picture they used to promote your win? | 0:08:20 | 0:08:23 | |
-Yes. -Well, that's not a good picture, though. | 0:08:23 | 0:08:26 | |
-Why didn't you wear pants? Is it cos you are shy? -Or nothing, or nothing. | 0:08:26 | 0:08:29 | |
Don't you start. At least I didn't say, | 0:08:29 | 0:08:31 | |
"Oh, I didn't realise they were taking a picture of my bottom!" | 0:08:31 | 0:08:35 | |
We don't have Rear Of The Year in Canada. | 0:08:39 | 0:08:42 | |
How many pens do you have to fit in to win? | 0:08:42 | 0:08:44 | |
I actually got those pens off eBay. | 0:08:48 | 0:08:51 | |
-I haven't kept them all these years. -Wow! | 0:08:51 | 0:08:53 | |
I want to show you the picture they used on eBay. | 0:08:53 | 0:08:55 | |
Just in case... You don't want to buy a set of pens | 0:08:59 | 0:09:01 | |
and find they're 30ft long. | 0:09:01 | 0:09:03 | |
Can't get them in your house. | 0:09:05 | 0:09:08 | |
Anyway, what is upsetting Adam? | 0:09:08 | 0:09:11 | |
I'll give you an example of what I'm talking about. | 0:09:21 | 0:09:23 | |
The other day after the school run in the morning, | 0:09:23 | 0:09:27 | |
I stopped in at my local supermarket | 0:09:27 | 0:09:29 | |
to pick up some supplies for the week ahead, | 0:09:29 | 0:09:32 | |
which included four cans of, you know, alcohol-rich lager. | 0:09:32 | 0:09:39 | |
As the checkout person was scanning them, | 0:09:41 | 0:09:44 | |
they raised their eyebrows at me and said, "A bit early, isn't it?" | 0:09:44 | 0:09:48 | |
And so I said, "Well, maybe for you, but I'm a raging alcoholic. | 0:09:51 | 0:09:57 | |
"For me, it's never too early to start blotting out the pain." | 0:09:59 | 0:10:02 | |
I didn't say that. What I actually said was, "Yeah!" But... | 0:10:05 | 0:10:10 | |
But there's no need for bants! | 0:10:14 | 0:10:16 | |
There is no need for commenting on my purchases. | 0:10:17 | 0:10:20 | |
Maybe I look like the kind of person that people want to... | 0:10:20 | 0:10:24 | |
-Help. -..judge or... | 0:10:24 | 0:10:25 | |
-That. -Maybe they're just being friendly? | 0:10:27 | 0:10:30 | |
Of course they're being friendly... | 0:10:30 | 0:10:32 | |
I mean, yes, you've undone me. | 0:10:36 | 0:10:38 | |
I went into a greeting card shop. This is absolutely true. | 0:10:39 | 0:10:42 | |
And a woman went up to the counter, | 0:10:42 | 0:10:45 | |
and this was just before Christmas, | 0:10:45 | 0:10:47 | |
and she said, "Do you have any Christmas cards | 0:10:47 | 0:10:49 | |
"with religious scenes?" | 0:10:49 | 0:10:50 | |
And the woman said, "No." | 0:10:50 | 0:10:52 | |
She went out of the shop, and this woman to the whole shop said, | 0:10:53 | 0:10:57 | |
"God you get some weird people." | 0:10:57 | 0:10:59 | |
I'll tell you what I can't do. | 0:11:02 | 0:11:05 | |
I can't go and just buy toilet roll. | 0:11:05 | 0:11:09 | |
-Yeah. -I have to buy other stuff with it. | 0:11:09 | 0:11:11 | |
If you just buy toilet roll, I don't like that man on a mission feel. | 0:11:11 | 0:11:16 | |
Because they'll be thinking, | 0:11:18 | 0:11:19 | |
"Frank Skinner's going to wipe his bum." | 0:11:19 | 0:11:21 | |
-Yeah. -Exactly. -But it'll be the Rear Of The Year! | 0:11:21 | 0:11:25 | |
-Right? -Very good! | 0:11:27 | 0:11:29 | |
That'll be a little handwritten sign on the toilet roll. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:35 | |
"As used..." | 0:11:35 | 0:11:36 | |
"..to wipe the Rear Of The Year." | 0:11:38 | 0:11:41 | |
Have you got a plaque in your bathroom? You should so do that. | 0:11:41 | 0:11:45 | |
It's got to be in the downstairs loo where other people go. | 0:11:45 | 0:11:48 | |
And so when they come into your house, they see your trophy, | 0:11:48 | 0:11:52 | |
your little certificate. | 0:11:52 | 0:11:54 | |
It's a lovely... You get a massive silver plate when you win. | 0:11:54 | 0:11:57 | |
-Do you? -It's a bit like the women's singles... | 0:11:57 | 0:12:01 | |
at Wimbledon. It's an enormous thing! | 0:12:01 | 0:12:03 | |
Is it moulded in the shape of your...? | 0:12:03 | 0:12:07 | |
Yeah, I've made many a... | 0:12:07 | 0:12:08 | |
That would be the thing, though, wouldn't it? To have a sort of | 0:12:10 | 0:12:13 | |
silver-plated jelly mould of your bottom? | 0:12:13 | 0:12:16 | |
And then you could make people arse jelly. | 0:12:16 | 0:12:19 | |
I like it, I love it. | 0:12:22 | 0:12:23 | |
Katherine likes it. | 0:12:23 | 0:12:25 | |
I would eat your ass jelly all day. | 0:12:25 | 0:12:26 | |
Things I never thought anyone would say to me. | 0:12:32 | 0:12:36 | |
Number 71. | 0:12:36 | 0:12:38 | |
This is on Amazon. | 0:12:39 | 0:12:40 | |
If you try and buy a baseball, | 0:12:41 | 0:12:43 | |
aluminium baseball bat on Amazon. | 0:12:43 | 0:12:46 | |
There it is, £18.40. Bargain. | 0:12:46 | 0:12:49 | |
And you know you get that bit, the people who bought this also bought? | 0:12:49 | 0:12:54 | |
The first one is a baseball. | 0:12:54 | 0:12:55 | |
You would guess that. Take a look at the second thing they buy. | 0:12:55 | 0:12:58 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:12:58 | 0:13:00 | |
Oh, my God. | 0:13:00 | 0:13:02 | |
It's funny that the baseball got a totally 5-star rating. | 0:13:07 | 0:13:10 | |
But there were a few people of the 94 criminals who ordered a balaclava | 0:13:10 | 0:13:15 | |
that weren't completely satisfied. | 0:13:15 | 0:13:19 | |
So it's good to know some of them are getting caught. | 0:13:19 | 0:13:21 | |
So, I'm not going to put in people who comment on your... | 0:13:22 | 0:13:29 | |
Because even you admitted, they probably are trying to be friendly. | 0:13:29 | 0:13:34 | |
-They're being friendly, I'm being a git. -Yeah. | 0:13:34 | 0:13:36 | |
I'm torn between the other two. | 0:13:39 | 0:13:40 | |
Because you both... The pen thing does drive me crazy. | 0:13:40 | 0:13:44 | |
But I think Katherine has argued | 0:13:44 | 0:13:47 | |
with such passion about the impertinence | 0:13:47 | 0:13:51 | |
of being called on the telephone, | 0:13:51 | 0:13:53 | |
that we have to try and rescue her from that. | 0:13:53 | 0:13:55 | |
So I'm going to put phone calls into Room 101. | 0:13:55 | 0:13:57 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:13:57 | 0:14:00 | |
OK, so what is upsetting Adam? | 0:14:11 | 0:14:16 | |
This is a phenomenon that arrived with the dawn of the new | 0:14:22 | 0:14:27 | |
millennium. And it is... | 0:14:27 | 0:14:30 | |
..packaging that tries to incorporate little bits of text | 0:14:33 | 0:14:39 | |
that are acute, or funny, or wacky. | 0:14:39 | 0:14:44 | |
Hence, wackaging. | 0:14:44 | 0:14:46 | |
And presumably it started off as a fairly, you know, innocent, | 0:14:46 | 0:14:50 | |
friendly gesture. | 0:14:50 | 0:14:54 | |
You know, an effort to inject a bit of fun and friendliness into a | 0:14:54 | 0:14:58 | |
boring corner of modern life. | 0:14:58 | 0:15:00 | |
But I feel that it's trying to fix a problem | 0:15:00 | 0:15:03 | |
that really didn't need fixing. | 0:15:03 | 0:15:05 | |
Shall we look at some examples of this? | 0:15:05 | 0:15:08 | |
You mentioned... | 0:15:08 | 0:15:09 | |
..the company Innocent, I think, not innocently. | 0:15:10 | 0:15:14 | |
I think of them as the champions of wackaging. | 0:15:14 | 0:15:17 | |
Here is something from a Innocent smoothie. | 0:15:17 | 0:15:22 | |
It's got all the contents. | 0:15:22 | 0:15:23 | |
Two mashed bananas, 37 peeled... | 0:15:23 | 0:15:25 | |
And right at the bottom, and zero bungalows. | 0:15:25 | 0:15:28 | |
I mean, it's comedy at what I would call the Christmas socks level. | 0:15:29 | 0:15:34 | |
You know, the idea that the bad thing about capitalism | 0:15:35 | 0:15:39 | |
is it's so unfriendly and the packaging is so functional. | 0:15:39 | 0:15:43 | |
I don't think Karl Marx was sat there thinking, | 0:15:43 | 0:15:45 | |
"This is... I...I..." Do you know why..." | 0:15:45 | 0:15:47 | |
This is a good impression of Karl Marx. | 0:15:47 | 0:15:51 | |
"You know the thing I really hate about capitalism is the | 0:15:51 | 0:15:55 | |
"functionality of the packaging." | 0:15:55 | 0:15:58 | |
That's what Karl Marx said. | 0:15:58 | 0:15:59 | |
-He was German, Karl Marx. -Was he? -Not Russian. | 0:15:59 | 0:16:02 | |
-IN GERMAN ACCENT: -"Why don't..." | 0:16:10 | 0:16:12 | |
"Why not on this tin of borscht, you could put on the bottom, | 0:16:14 | 0:16:20 | |
"'Turn me up the right way, otherwise when the borscht comes out, | 0:16:20 | 0:16:22 | |
"'I'll be all dizzy'?" | 0:16:22 | 0:16:24 | |
I'm trying to illustrate the fact that we don't need the little cute... | 0:16:25 | 0:16:29 | |
That was much better. | 0:16:29 | 0:16:30 | |
..funny messages. Thank you very much. | 0:16:30 | 0:16:32 | |
And also it's sort of bled across into other areas where people seem to | 0:16:32 | 0:16:37 | |
think that you need, like, a fun, crazy little jokey message, | 0:16:37 | 0:16:41 | |
where I don't think you do. Like, going... | 0:16:41 | 0:16:43 | |
Have you been into a certain train toilet and you will | 0:16:43 | 0:16:47 | |
close the door and you will immediately get a recorded message | 0:16:47 | 0:16:51 | |
that says, "Please do not flush sanitary towels, paper towels, | 0:16:51 | 0:16:56 | |
"your ex's sweater, goldfish," | 0:16:56 | 0:16:58 | |
you know, "Your hopes and dreams down the toilet." | 0:16:58 | 0:17:03 | |
And it plays every single time you go in. | 0:17:03 | 0:17:07 | |
Which for me is a great deal because I love the toilet. | 0:17:07 | 0:17:10 | |
And it's like having a guy... | 0:17:12 | 0:17:13 | |
And I understand that... | 0:17:13 | 0:17:15 | |
I don't mind the repeated joke, though. | 0:17:15 | 0:17:17 | |
Really? The same joke every single time told in exactly the same way? | 0:17:17 | 0:17:20 | |
I do that in my everyday life. | 0:17:20 | 0:17:23 | |
Ever since I've had a child, | 0:17:23 | 0:17:25 | |
some people will say to me, "How's your little one?" | 0:17:25 | 0:17:27 | |
And I always say, "How dare you?" | 0:17:27 | 0:17:29 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:29 | 0:17:30 | |
I mean, every time, yeah. | 0:17:30 | 0:17:33 | |
That's good. That's got the advantage of being short. | 0:17:33 | 0:17:37 | |
-The joke, I'm talking about. -Yeah. Yeah. | 0:17:37 | 0:17:40 | |
What would you have put on the packaging? | 0:17:40 | 0:17:42 | |
Just ingredients, sell by date, serving suggestion. | 0:17:42 | 0:17:47 | |
That's all I really actually want. | 0:17:47 | 0:17:50 | |
One thing that really annoys me is I kind of want to know if things are | 0:17:50 | 0:17:53 | |
good for me or not, and you get something | 0:17:53 | 0:17:55 | |
that's called the zero calories multi-nutritional snack bar, | 0:17:55 | 0:18:00 | |
and you find there is less sugar in a bag of sugar... | 0:18:00 | 0:18:03 | |
..than there is in that bar. | 0:18:04 | 0:18:06 | |
That winds me up. I want more facts. | 0:18:06 | 0:18:08 | |
If they're going to be matey with me, say stuff like, | 0:18:08 | 0:18:11 | |
"Contains a green powder that gives rodents chronic diarrhoea." | 0:18:11 | 0:18:15 | |
"Laid by chickens that live in the dark and wish for death." | 0:18:18 | 0:18:22 | |
No, wouldn't that be better to know? | 0:18:24 | 0:18:26 | |
To have the truth rather than some... | 0:18:26 | 0:18:29 | |
God knows, I love a silly joke more than anyone | 0:18:29 | 0:18:32 | |
but not on a packet of... | 0:18:32 | 0:18:35 | |
..sausages. | 0:18:35 | 0:18:36 | |
You don't get it on that. They wouldn't dare go there, let's face it. | 0:18:37 | 0:18:41 | |
Can I show you some random... | 0:18:41 | 0:18:43 | |
-Yeah. -..comedy packaging just to make myself happy? | 0:18:43 | 0:18:46 | |
This is table tennis training balls. | 0:18:46 | 0:18:49 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:18:52 | 0:18:54 | |
-That's funny. -I felt the Spice Girls marketing people missed an opportunity there. | 0:18:56 | 0:19:00 | |
I love... I tell you what, we laugh at that but it's a picture I keep | 0:19:01 | 0:19:04 | |
staring at. | 0:19:04 | 0:19:06 | |
There is something very sexy about that. | 0:19:06 | 0:19:08 | |
There is. | 0:19:08 | 0:19:10 | |
I think it is the fake tan element. | 0:19:10 | 0:19:12 | |
What about this jam? | 0:19:14 | 0:19:15 | |
"Tastes like grandma." | 0:19:16 | 0:19:17 | |
-Bit weird. -I have to say at my age, that's quite a selling point. | 0:19:25 | 0:19:28 | |
I think we'll move on, shall we? | 0:19:32 | 0:19:34 | |
OK, so to Geri. | 0:19:35 | 0:19:37 | |
OK, I've forgotten mine. | 0:19:37 | 0:19:39 | |
Well, everyone may relate to this in different ways. | 0:19:43 | 0:19:46 | |
And one of the things that sort of really made me think about it was | 0:19:46 | 0:19:51 | |
that I was breast-feeding and I've got quite a big baby | 0:19:51 | 0:19:56 | |
and I couldn't keep up with his demands, | 0:19:56 | 0:19:58 | |
so I ended up doing formula, feeding him formula. | 0:19:58 | 0:20:02 | |
And there's a bit of a milk mafia going on that you really must... | 0:20:02 | 0:20:05 | |
You know, breast is best. | 0:20:05 | 0:20:07 | |
And I really couldn't keep up. | 0:20:07 | 0:20:08 | |
And so, I read it in a book somewhere, it was saying, you know, | 0:20:08 | 0:20:11 | |
get rid of the guilt fairy, you know, that sits on your shoulder. | 0:20:11 | 0:20:14 | |
Whatever it is, you know, whether it's, you know, you've eaten the | 0:20:14 | 0:20:18 | |
cake, or have you been the best guy on TV, or the funniest comedians. | 0:20:18 | 0:20:23 | |
Whatever it is, I thought, | 0:20:23 | 0:20:24 | |
actually when I sort of let myself be a bit rubbish, | 0:20:24 | 0:20:28 | |
be a bit crap at whatever I'm doing, not being the best, it kind of is... | 0:20:28 | 0:20:33 | |
It feels pretty good. | 0:20:33 | 0:20:34 | |
And actually I normally do a better job at whatever it is. | 0:20:34 | 0:20:37 | |
Well, total silence. | 0:20:37 | 0:20:40 | |
I don't know if anyone can relate to it. | 0:20:42 | 0:20:43 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:20:43 | 0:20:47 | |
I'm going to say, I so agree with you about, | 0:20:47 | 0:20:51 | |
and this is odd coming from a bloke, but about the motherhood thing. | 0:20:51 | 0:20:54 | |
Cos we used to go to these groups, when my partner was pregnant, | 0:20:54 | 0:20:57 | |
we used to go to this group and they're like fundamentalist hippies | 0:20:57 | 0:21:01 | |
and they basically say the birth has to be in a forest clearing under | 0:21:01 | 0:21:05 | |
moonlight, and if you're suffering excruciating pain, OK, | 0:21:05 | 0:21:10 | |
then you can wear a garland of herbs. | 0:21:10 | 0:21:12 | |
Whatever you're going through in life, I'm just finding, | 0:21:14 | 0:21:17 | |
just from my own experience, you know, whatever it is, whether it's | 0:21:17 | 0:21:21 | |
exams, work, when I just take the pressure off and say, | 0:21:21 | 0:21:23 | |
"Do you know what, you're enough, you know. | 0:21:23 | 0:21:25 | |
"You don't have to be perfect," then everything's better. | 0:21:25 | 0:21:28 | |
-I've murdered a couple of guys, come on. -Let it go. | 0:21:28 | 0:21:32 | |
-Let it go. -Guilt fairy, the second guy deserved it and, you know, | 0:21:32 | 0:21:37 | |
nobody's perfect. | 0:21:37 | 0:21:38 | |
There's things I look back on that I do feel guilty | 0:21:39 | 0:21:42 | |
-about, and quite right. -Yeah. | 0:21:42 | 0:21:43 | |
On the first date with my partner, I told her, honestly, | 0:21:43 | 0:21:47 | |
I told her that she smelt like a derelict house. | 0:21:47 | 0:21:51 | |
-Why? -Well, mainly because she smelt like a derelict house. | 0:21:54 | 0:21:58 | |
But she still brings that up now. | 0:21:58 | 0:22:00 | |
17 years on, she will still bring that up. | 0:22:00 | 0:22:03 | |
There must be things you feel you have a right to be guilty about. | 0:22:03 | 0:22:07 | |
Whole albums. LAUGHTER | 0:22:07 | 0:22:09 | |
-Now, see... -Well, did you see the difference... | 0:22:11 | 0:22:13 | |
-No, no, no, it's OK... -No, see, now I feel guilty about that. | 0:22:13 | 0:22:16 | |
I think you have double trouble because you're British and you | 0:22:16 | 0:22:19 | |
-guys walk around apologising for I don't even know what. -Correct. | 0:22:19 | 0:22:22 | |
-Just for existing. -That is true. That's why I want to chuck the guilt in the bin. | 0:22:22 | 0:22:26 | |
I have zero guilt, Geri, none, and you should have none either. | 0:22:26 | 0:22:30 | |
My daughter dyed her hair purple the other day and she's British and a | 0:22:30 | 0:22:33 | |
-woman like you and so she was like... -IN BRITISH ACCENT: -.."Oh, no, mother, what shall I do? | 0:22:33 | 0:22:36 | |
"I'm going to get in trouble with my school." | 0:22:36 | 0:22:38 | |
Probably did. Not my problem. And I was like... | 0:22:38 | 0:22:41 | |
I said, "Violet, you've dyed your hair. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:46 | |
"Have you done something unkind?" | 0:22:46 | 0:22:48 | |
"Have you done something dangerous?" | 0:22:48 | 0:22:50 | |
She said, "No, Mummy, I haven't." | 0:22:50 | 0:22:52 | |
And I said, "Then you should never feel guilty." | 0:22:52 | 0:22:54 | |
"Unless you've been unkind or dangerous, hurt someone else, then do whatever you want." | 0:22:54 | 0:22:58 | |
You are owed it. | 0:22:59 | 0:23:00 | |
I don't care. | 0:23:02 | 0:23:03 | |
Is your daughter Queen Elizabeth II? | 0:23:03 | 0:23:06 | |
One thing that they've started putting on the Internet is dog shaming, | 0:23:09 | 0:23:13 | |
which is when dogs have done bad things. | 0:23:13 | 0:23:16 | |
-Poo. -Yes. And they're then reprimanded for it. | 0:23:16 | 0:23:20 | |
Here's a dog that destroyed the sofa with some gusto, I must say. | 0:23:20 | 0:23:27 | |
MAN SPEAKS HIS OWN LANGUAGE | 0:23:28 | 0:23:31 | |
So, what is winding up Katherine? | 0:23:53 | 0:23:55 | |
Marathons. | 0:23:59 | 0:24:00 | |
My friend Jane has a ham-coloured husband called Brian. | 0:24:03 | 0:24:07 | |
Brian... | 0:24:07 | 0:24:08 | |
..is one of these spandex men who runs marathons. | 0:24:11 | 0:24:15 | |
I don't know what it is about a middle-aged man, | 0:24:15 | 0:24:18 | |
he's got to know he can be 26 miles away from home on foot at any given moment. | 0:24:18 | 0:24:22 | |
They all just start to run and then they link it to charity like, | 0:24:22 | 0:24:27 | |
I've got to now subsidise their hobby. | 0:24:27 | 0:24:30 | |
They're like, "It's charity. It's charity. I'm just running to raise awareness for cancer." | 0:24:30 | 0:24:34 | |
We've heard of it. Sit down. | 0:24:34 | 0:24:36 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:24:40 | 0:24:43 | |
I think charity's a wonderful thing, but I donate to causes that | 0:24:45 | 0:24:49 | |
I believe in because of the work that is achieved, | 0:24:49 | 0:24:52 | |
not because someone from the office threatened to lose a toenail by | 0:24:52 | 0:24:56 | |
running around. I don't like it at all. | 0:24:56 | 0:24:58 | |
No, I can see that because if you said to someone, | 0:24:58 | 0:25:03 | |
"Do you want to give money to the local children's hospital?" | 0:25:03 | 0:25:06 | |
And they said, "Yeah, but I want you to go on a big run." | 0:25:06 | 0:25:08 | |
-Yeah! -"What, you don't just want to give it?" | 0:25:08 | 0:25:10 | |
"No, no, I need you to run first." | 0:25:10 | 0:25:13 | |
Some evil puppet master. | 0:25:13 | 0:25:16 | |
If I'm walking through central London and a homeless guy asks me | 0:25:16 | 0:25:19 | |
for change I don't go, "OK, what about a little dance?" | 0:25:19 | 0:25:22 | |
"Come on. Heads and shoulders... Come on!" | 0:25:23 | 0:25:26 | |
You'd think I was evil. | 0:25:26 | 0:25:29 | |
-Yeah. -So, as you're saying, just give people the money. | 0:25:29 | 0:25:31 | |
Don't make them go on a run, so you can help people who need help. | 0:25:31 | 0:25:35 | |
Just live your life. | 0:25:35 | 0:25:37 | |
I don't like it and I've never met someone who runs marathons that I | 0:25:37 | 0:25:41 | |
enjoy as a person. No offence. | 0:25:41 | 0:25:43 | |
I think if you want to run not for a charity, they should let you run but | 0:25:48 | 0:25:51 | |
you have to dress as Hitler. | 0:25:51 | 0:25:54 | |
Because there's so little scope for booing... | 0:25:54 | 0:25:57 | |
-Yeah. -..at the London Marathon, when you go you just cheer everyone. | 0:25:57 | 0:26:00 | |
It would be great if there was the occasional Hitler | 0:26:00 | 0:26:03 | |
who you knew wasn't doing it for charity. You could have... | 0:26:03 | 0:26:06 | |
You know, see him being refused water by one of the stewards. | 0:26:06 | 0:26:09 | |
That would really give it a sort of richness. | 0:26:10 | 0:26:12 | |
It's all cheering, it's so happy. | 0:26:12 | 0:26:14 | |
I think there's something about, I don't know, | 0:26:14 | 0:26:18 | |
making the person feel good about themselves they're achieving | 0:26:18 | 0:26:22 | |
something, so something... | 0:26:22 | 0:26:23 | |
..positive. | 0:26:24 | 0:26:26 | |
They're trying to make themselves feel better. | 0:26:26 | 0:26:29 | |
I think, OK, at least it's a healthy way rather than going to get the... | 0:26:29 | 0:26:32 | |
you were talking about the guy getting the three beers, | 0:26:32 | 0:26:34 | |
the Red Stripes in the morning. | 0:26:34 | 0:26:36 | |
It's a better way of dealing with it, I think. | 0:26:36 | 0:26:40 | |
-When you say "the guy", it was me. -Do you know what I mean? | 0:26:40 | 0:26:43 | |
So, if we have to pick, if I'm going to pick, | 0:26:43 | 0:26:46 | |
we all need releases in life. OK, we need releases in life, | 0:26:46 | 0:26:50 | |
so if I had to pick which is the better option... | 0:26:50 | 0:26:53 | |
..you know, to drink in the morning or run 26 miles - I think 26 miles. | 0:26:54 | 0:26:59 | |
Having said that, I'd probably walk it. | 0:26:59 | 0:27:02 | |
I appreciate your viewpoint, Geri, | 0:27:02 | 0:27:04 | |
and it is useful for me because I think there's really bad PR out there. | 0:27:04 | 0:27:07 | |
Some people think that I'm nice. | 0:27:07 | 0:27:10 | |
Have you ever tried it, though? | 0:27:10 | 0:27:13 | |
I'll run if someone's chasing me. | 0:27:13 | 0:27:14 | |
OK. So... | 0:27:19 | 0:27:22 | |
..ooh, I know what you mean about wackaging. | 0:27:22 | 0:27:27 | |
But I think it's somebody trying a little bit of comedy. | 0:27:28 | 0:27:32 | |
It's all right for us heroes of comedy to mock them | 0:27:32 | 0:27:35 | |
but they're doing what they can. | 0:27:35 | 0:27:39 | |
I do feel guilty about putting marathons in. | 0:27:39 | 0:27:42 | |
Guilt, as you say, things like mothering and stuff like that, | 0:27:42 | 0:27:46 | |
to be made to feel guilty about that is an absolute scandal. | 0:27:46 | 0:27:49 | |
Therefore, Geri Horner, I shall indeed put guilt into Room 101. | 0:27:49 | 0:27:55 | |
Yes. | 0:27:55 | 0:27:56 | |
And that brings us to the end of the show. | 0:28:07 | 0:28:10 | |
Well done, Geri, you were the most persuasive guest, | 0:28:10 | 0:28:13 | |
so you are this week's winner. | 0:28:13 | 0:28:14 | |
Oh, thank you. | 0:28:14 | 0:28:16 | |
Thank you very much to Katherine Ryan, | 0:28:17 | 0:28:20 | |
Adam Buxton and Geri Horner. | 0:28:20 | 0:28:23 | |
And thank you. Goodnight. | 0:28:23 | 0:28:24 |