Episode 7 Room 101


Episode 7

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Transcript


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Hello, I'm Frank Skinner and welcome to Room 101. This week providing the

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whinge beneath my wings are -

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look at me, Geri Horner,

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lift me up, Katherine Ryan, and mi chico Latino, Adam Buxton.

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APPLAUSE

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So what is winding up, Katherine?

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-Thank you.

-SPORADIC APPLAUSE

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We have evolved beyond the need of phone calls, they are an ambush.

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I am not ever in a position where I want to have an immediate

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back-and-forth conversation with someone, it is too intimate,

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it is too much pressure.

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It's like somebody standing nude in my bedroom.

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I'm like, "How dare you?! You make an appointment with me

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"if you would like to make a phone call."

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I do not want anyone ringing me on the phone and having a chat.

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No, never. I'm not answering it.

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I've even trained people not to leave voicemails.

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I have a very hostile greeting.

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Yet, people persist!

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They ring me all the time!

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My dad rings me!

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Builders ring me!

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People ring me looking for money that I owe them.

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I don't want to answer it.

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-I just won't answer it.

-I know what you mean, it's very intrusive.

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-Thank you, yes.

-I don't like it when people switch media on you.

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So you text someone and then they phone you back.

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That is, what are you doing?

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-Very presumptuous.

-It's like a duel!

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If I turn up with a sword for a...

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Don't turn up with a flintlock pistol!

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When I've decided how we're going to do it.

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And I really love the multimedia of texting,

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you can include so many embellishments now.

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I really love a jolly GIF.

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I have group chats, you can get so much done without using your voice.

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My mother: "I just wanted to hear your voice."

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"I moved away from you, no."

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My dad rings me and identifies himself three times,

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even though it says who it is.

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He'll go, "Hello, Katherine, it's me, your father, Finbar Ryan."

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And I'm like...

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"Yeah, I know it is.

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"What?"

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Did you not...? When you were younger, though,

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didn't you have conversations with romantic partners?

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I'm not too old to date.

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But... Yeah, OK, so if I'm in a new relationship,

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I get really excited when that person rings and I want to talk to them.

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For about three weeks and then they can text me,

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they know where I live if they want it.

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The only thing that really winds me up when you're talking to

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-someone on the phone and it cuts out...

-Yes!

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And they always come back and say, "I don't know what happened there."

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"Of course you don't!"

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You'd need some sort of knowledge of network coverage,

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of basic radio wave technology...

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Ideally, you'd be in the central HQ of the phone company.

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You'll never know what happened there! Get over it!

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Now Skype, I find terrifying.

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Yes, video-chatting...

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The whole thing, FaceTime, I just don't want to be seen when I'm talking.

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You know, ringing in sick used to be just about your vocal skills.

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"Uh, sorry..."

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Now you've got to buy a drip.

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It's really ruined that.

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My current boyfriend is a millennial,

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not bragging, and they are all about the video chat.

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And he is this whole new type of, he only video-chats.

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He'll be in the middle of the street video-chatting me.

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And I'll say, "I'm in the car, I'm with people."

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"Oh, how are they?" And it's become this group activity,

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which I told him repeatedly I'm not into.

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And then you're just talking to an image of yourself.

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I think if we are all really honest,

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everybody looks at themselves.

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I actually sometimes... I put my hand up. I'm vain.

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Sometimes I cover my own face

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so I don't look at myself, so I look at the person

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-that I'm speaking to.

-Wow.

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I think if we asked the audience,

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there would be no-one else who does that.

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You know, I'm guessing. Anyway,

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I want to show you a text leading to a voice thing.

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And this is a very beautiful, heart-warming little section.

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Wow!

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That must've been horrible!

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My mother calls me always on a Sunday, and she always does it.

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I just think that's her medium to communicate.

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What if your mother wants to call you for a chat?

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My mother is dead!

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What if your mother DID want to call you for a chat?

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Well, if she did want to call me for a chat,

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she'd go through Derek Acorah.

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That is my dead mother material out of the way.

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OK, so what is winding up Geri?

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You know, I wouldn't have had you down as a pen person.

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I love writing, I'm always writing.

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Little notes and things.

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But, it's when you're on the phone and someone says...

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You know, you want to take a note?

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And you go to write the note down, and the pen doesn't work.

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And then I end up running round the house, looking for a pen.

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I actually find it really, really annoying.

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I'm with you on this one.

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What gets me most upset is when you have to do that...

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It's like it's slightly fallen asleep,

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and you have to wake it up with this... "Oh, sorry!"

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and it starts working again.

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Deodorant, ball-based deodorant.

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-What's it called? Ball-based? Roll-on.

-Roll-on?

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Roll-on, yes!

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They're not going to have something called ball-based deodorant.

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They probably do, that's a useful product.

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But it's the same principle as a ballpoint pen.

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But I never have to get roll-on deodorant and really,

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really scribble it on my chest to get it going.

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It just starts straightaway,

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why don't they make it with the same technology?

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Why are you wearing deodorant on your chest?

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-I've got some pens you might be interested in from my collection.

-OK.

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-That's of me? Oh, Spice Girl ones!

-Look at that!

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-Aw!

-AUDIENCE WHOOPS

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I have to say the picture is quite...

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..it's quite bum-centric!

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-It is!

-You know what?

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Isn't it funny, now I can see that, at the time I didn't realise.

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-What...?

-Yeah.

-You didn't realise?

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-Isn't it fun, when you're, like, younger...

-Did you not notice where the camera was?

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-I didn't realise it was saying, "Hey, look at my bum."

-Yes.

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-I didn't realise.

-It's so "look at my bum."

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The fact they're called felt pens I find a worry.

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It reminds me, you know I was the first practising Catholic to win

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Rear Of The Year. There's a picture of me.

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Ah, look at you!

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Yeah, we both fell into the same trap, didn't we?

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Hold on a minute. Can we just talk about what you're wearing there?

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-What is that?

-I'm wearing long johns.

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Is that the picture they used to promote your win?

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-Yes.

-Well, that's not a good picture, though.

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-Why didn't you wear pants? Is it cos you are shy?

-Or nothing, or nothing.

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Don't you start. At least I didn't say,

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"Oh, I didn't realise they were taking a picture of my bottom!"

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We don't have Rear Of The Year in Canada.

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How many pens do you have to fit in to win?

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I actually got those pens off eBay.

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-I haven't kept them all these years.

-Wow!

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I want to show you the picture they used on eBay.

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Just in case... You don't want to buy a set of pens

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and find they're 30ft long.

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Can't get them in your house.

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Anyway, what is upsetting Adam?

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I'll give you an example of what I'm talking about.

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The other day after the school run in the morning,

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I stopped in at my local supermarket

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to pick up some supplies for the week ahead,

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which included four cans of, you know, alcohol-rich lager.

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As the checkout person was scanning them,

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they raised their eyebrows at me and said, "A bit early, isn't it?"

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And so I said, "Well, maybe for you, but I'm a raging alcoholic.

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"For me, it's never too early to start blotting out the pain."

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I didn't say that. What I actually said was, "Yeah!" But...

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But there's no need for bants!

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There is no need for commenting on my purchases.

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Maybe I look like the kind of person that people want to...

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-Help.

-..judge or...

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-That.

-Maybe they're just being friendly?

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Of course they're being friendly...

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I mean, yes, you've undone me.

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I went into a greeting card shop. This is absolutely true.

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And a woman went up to the counter,

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and this was just before Christmas,

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and she said, "Do you have any Christmas cards

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"with religious scenes?"

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And the woman said, "No."

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She went out of the shop, and this woman to the whole shop said,

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"God you get some weird people."

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I'll tell you what I can't do.

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I can't go and just buy toilet roll.

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-Yeah.

-I have to buy other stuff with it.

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If you just buy toilet roll, I don't like that man on a mission feel.

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Because they'll be thinking,

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"Frank Skinner's going to wipe his bum."

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-Yeah.

-Exactly.

-But it'll be the Rear Of The Year!

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-Right?

-Very good!

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That'll be a little handwritten sign on the toilet roll.

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"As used..."

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"..to wipe the Rear Of The Year."

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Have you got a plaque in your bathroom? You should so do that.

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It's got to be in the downstairs loo where other people go.

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And so when they come into your house, they see your trophy,

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your little certificate.

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It's a lovely... You get a massive silver plate when you win.

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-Do you?

-It's a bit like the women's singles...

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at Wimbledon. It's an enormous thing!

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Is it moulded in the shape of your...?

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Yeah, I've made many a...

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That would be the thing, though, wouldn't it? To have a sort of

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silver-plated jelly mould of your bottom?

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And then you could make people arse jelly.

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I like it, I love it.

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Katherine likes it.

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I would eat your ass jelly all day.

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Things I never thought anyone would say to me.

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Number 71.

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This is on Amazon.

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If you try and buy a baseball,

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aluminium baseball bat on Amazon.

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There it is, £18.40. Bargain.

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And you know you get that bit, the people who bought this also bought?

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The first one is a baseball.

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You would guess that. Take a look at the second thing they buy.

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LAUGHTER

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Oh, my God.

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It's funny that the baseball got a totally 5-star rating.

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But there were a few people of the 94 criminals who ordered a balaclava

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that weren't completely satisfied.

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So it's good to know some of them are getting caught.

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So, I'm not going to put in people who comment on your...

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Because even you admitted, they probably are trying to be friendly.

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-They're being friendly, I'm being a git.

-Yeah.

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I'm torn between the other two.

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Because you both... The pen thing does drive me crazy.

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But I think Katherine has argued

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with such passion about the impertinence

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of being called on the telephone,

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that we have to try and rescue her from that.

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So I'm going to put phone calls into Room 101.

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APPLAUSE

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OK, so what is upsetting Adam?

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This is a phenomenon that arrived with the dawn of the new

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millennium. And it is...

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..packaging that tries to incorporate little bits of text

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that are acute, or funny, or wacky.

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Hence, wackaging.

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And presumably it started off as a fairly, you know, innocent,

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friendly gesture.

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You know, an effort to inject a bit of fun and friendliness into a

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boring corner of modern life.

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But I feel that it's trying to fix a problem

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that really didn't need fixing.

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Shall we look at some examples of this?

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You mentioned...

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..the company Innocent, I think, not innocently.

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I think of them as the champions of wackaging.

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Here is something from a Innocent smoothie.

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It's got all the contents.

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Two mashed bananas, 37 peeled...

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And right at the bottom, and zero bungalows.

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I mean, it's comedy at what I would call the Christmas socks level.

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You know, the idea that the bad thing about capitalism

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is it's so unfriendly and the packaging is so functional.

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I don't think Karl Marx was sat there thinking,

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"This is... I...I..." Do you know why..."

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This is a good impression of Karl Marx.

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"You know the thing I really hate about capitalism is the

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"functionality of the packaging."

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That's what Karl Marx said.

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-He was German, Karl Marx.

-Was he?

-Not Russian.

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-IN GERMAN ACCENT:

-"Why don't..."

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"Why not on this tin of borscht, you could put on the bottom,

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"'Turn me up the right way, otherwise when the borscht comes out,

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"'I'll be all dizzy'?"

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I'm trying to illustrate the fact that we don't need the little cute...

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That was much better.

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..funny messages. Thank you very much.

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And also it's sort of bled across into other areas where people seem to

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think that you need, like, a fun, crazy little jokey message,

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where I don't think you do. Like, going...

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Have you been into a certain train toilet and you will

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close the door and you will immediately get a recorded message

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that says, "Please do not flush sanitary towels, paper towels,

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"your ex's sweater, goldfish,"

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you know, "Your hopes and dreams down the toilet."

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And it plays every single time you go in.

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Which for me is a great deal because I love the toilet.

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And it's like having a guy...

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And I understand that...

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I don't mind the repeated joke, though.

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Really? The same joke every single time told in exactly the same way?

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I do that in my everyday life.

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Ever since I've had a child,

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some people will say to me, "How's your little one?"

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And I always say, "How dare you?"

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LAUGHTER

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I mean, every time, yeah.

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That's good. That's got the advantage of being short.

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-The joke, I'm talking about.

-Yeah. Yeah.

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What would you have put on the packaging?

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Just ingredients, sell by date, serving suggestion.

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That's all I really actually want.

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One thing that really annoys me is I kind of want to know if things are

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good for me or not, and you get something

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that's called the zero calories multi-nutritional snack bar,

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and you find there is less sugar in a bag of sugar...

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..than there is in that bar.

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That winds me up. I want more facts.

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If they're going to be matey with me, say stuff like,

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"Contains a green powder that gives rodents chronic diarrhoea."

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"Laid by chickens that live in the dark and wish for death."

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No, wouldn't that be better to know?

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To have the truth rather than some...

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God knows, I love a silly joke more than anyone

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but not on a packet of...

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..sausages.

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You don't get it on that. They wouldn't dare go there, let's face it.

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Can I show you some random...

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-Yeah.

-..comedy packaging just to make myself happy?

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This is table tennis training balls.

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LAUGHTER

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-That's funny.

-I felt the Spice Girls marketing people missed an opportunity there.

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I love... I tell you what, we laugh at that but it's a picture I keep

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staring at.

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There is something very sexy about that.

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There is.

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I think it is the fake tan element.

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What about this jam?

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"Tastes like grandma."

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-Bit weird.

-I have to say at my age, that's quite a selling point.

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I think we'll move on, shall we?

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OK, so to Geri.

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OK, I've forgotten mine.

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Well, everyone may relate to this in different ways.

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And one of the things that sort of really made me think about it was

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that I was breast-feeding and I've got quite a big baby

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and I couldn't keep up with his demands,

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so I ended up doing formula, feeding him formula.

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And there's a bit of a milk mafia going on that you really must...

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You know, breast is best.

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And I really couldn't keep up.

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And so, I read it in a book somewhere, it was saying, you know,

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get rid of the guilt fairy, you know, that sits on your shoulder.

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Whatever it is, you know, whether it's, you know, you've eaten the

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cake, or have you been the best guy on TV, or the funniest comedians.

0:20:180:20:23

Whatever it is, I thought,

0:20:230:20:24

actually when I sort of let myself be a bit rubbish,

0:20:240:20:28

be a bit crap at whatever I'm doing, not being the best, it kind of is...

0:20:280:20:33

It feels pretty good.

0:20:330:20:34

And actually I normally do a better job at whatever it is.

0:20:340:20:37

Well, total silence.

0:20:370:20:40

I don't know if anyone can relate to it.

0:20:420:20:43

APPLAUSE

0:20:430:20:47

I'm going to say, I so agree with you about,

0:20:470:20:51

and this is odd coming from a bloke, but about the motherhood thing.

0:20:510:20:54

Cos we used to go to these groups, when my partner was pregnant,

0:20:540:20:57

we used to go to this group and they're like fundamentalist hippies

0:20:570:21:01

and they basically say the birth has to be in a forest clearing under

0:21:010:21:05

moonlight, and if you're suffering excruciating pain, OK,

0:21:050:21:10

then you can wear a garland of herbs.

0:21:100:21:12

Whatever you're going through in life, I'm just finding,

0:21:140:21:17

just from my own experience, you know, whatever it is, whether it's

0:21:170:21:21

exams, work, when I just take the pressure off and say,

0:21:210:21:23

"Do you know what, you're enough, you know.

0:21:230:21:25

"You don't have to be perfect," then everything's better.

0:21:250:21:28

-I've murdered a couple of guys, come on.

-Let it go.

0:21:280:21:32

-Let it go.

-Guilt fairy, the second guy deserved it and, you know,

0:21:320:21:37

nobody's perfect.

0:21:370:21:38

There's things I look back on that I do feel guilty

0:21:390:21:42

-about, and quite right.

-Yeah.

0:21:420:21:43

On the first date with my partner, I told her, honestly,

0:21:430:21:47

I told her that she smelt like a derelict house.

0:21:470:21:51

-Why?

-Well, mainly because she smelt like a derelict house.

0:21:540:21:58

But she still brings that up now.

0:21:580:22:00

17 years on, she will still bring that up.

0:22:000:22:03

There must be things you feel you have a right to be guilty about.

0:22:030:22:07

Whole albums. LAUGHTER

0:22:070:22:09

-Now, see...

-Well, did you see the difference...

0:22:110:22:13

-No, no, no, it's OK...

-No, see, now I feel guilty about that.

0:22:130:22:16

I think you have double trouble because you're British and you

0:22:160:22:19

-guys walk around apologising for I don't even know what.

-Correct.

0:22:190:22:22

-Just for existing.

-That is true. That's why I want to chuck the guilt in the bin.

0:22:220:22:26

I have zero guilt, Geri, none, and you should have none either.

0:22:260:22:30

My daughter dyed her hair purple the other day and she's British and a

0:22:300:22:33

-woman like you and so she was like...

-IN BRITISH ACCENT:

-.."Oh, no, mother, what shall I do?

0:22:330:22:36

"I'm going to get in trouble with my school."

0:22:360:22:38

Probably did. Not my problem. And I was like...

0:22:380:22:41

I said, "Violet, you've dyed your hair.

0:22:430:22:46

"Have you done something unkind?"

0:22:460:22:48

"Have you done something dangerous?"

0:22:480:22:50

She said, "No, Mummy, I haven't."

0:22:500:22:52

And I said, "Then you should never feel guilty."

0:22:520:22:54

"Unless you've been unkind or dangerous, hurt someone else, then do whatever you want."

0:22:540:22:58

You are owed it.

0:22:590:23:00

I don't care.

0:23:020:23:03

Is your daughter Queen Elizabeth II?

0:23:030:23:06

One thing that they've started putting on the Internet is dog shaming,

0:23:090:23:13

which is when dogs have done bad things.

0:23:130:23:16

-Poo.

-Yes. And they're then reprimanded for it.

0:23:160:23:20

Here's a dog that destroyed the sofa with some gusto, I must say.

0:23:200:23:27

MAN SPEAKS HIS OWN LANGUAGE

0:23:280:23:31

So, what is winding up Katherine?

0:23:530:23:55

Marathons.

0:23:590:24:00

My friend Jane has a ham-coloured husband called Brian.

0:24:030:24:07

Brian...

0:24:070:24:08

..is one of these spandex men who runs marathons.

0:24:110:24:15

I don't know what it is about a middle-aged man,

0:24:150:24:18

he's got to know he can be 26 miles away from home on foot at any given moment.

0:24:180:24:22

They all just start to run and then they link it to charity like,

0:24:220:24:27

I've got to now subsidise their hobby.

0:24:270:24:30

They're like, "It's charity. It's charity. I'm just running to raise awareness for cancer."

0:24:300:24:34

We've heard of it. Sit down.

0:24:340:24:36

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:24:400:24:43

I think charity's a wonderful thing, but I donate to causes that

0:24:450:24:49

I believe in because of the work that is achieved,

0:24:490:24:52

not because someone from the office threatened to lose a toenail by

0:24:520:24:56

running around. I don't like it at all.

0:24:560:24:58

No, I can see that because if you said to someone,

0:24:580:25:03

"Do you want to give money to the local children's hospital?"

0:25:030:25:06

And they said, "Yeah, but I want you to go on a big run."

0:25:060:25:08

-Yeah!

-"What, you don't just want to give it?"

0:25:080:25:10

"No, no, I need you to run first."

0:25:100:25:13

Some evil puppet master.

0:25:130:25:16

If I'm walking through central London and a homeless guy asks me

0:25:160:25:19

for change I don't go, "OK, what about a little dance?"

0:25:190:25:22

"Come on. Heads and shoulders... Come on!"

0:25:230:25:26

You'd think I was evil.

0:25:260:25:29

-Yeah.

-So, as you're saying, just give people the money.

0:25:290:25:31

Don't make them go on a run, so you can help people who need help.

0:25:310:25:35

Just live your life.

0:25:350:25:37

I don't like it and I've never met someone who runs marathons that I

0:25:370:25:41

enjoy as a person. No offence.

0:25:410:25:43

I think if you want to run not for a charity, they should let you run but

0:25:480:25:51

you have to dress as Hitler.

0:25:510:25:54

Because there's so little scope for booing...

0:25:540:25:57

-Yeah.

-..at the London Marathon, when you go you just cheer everyone.

0:25:570:26:00

It would be great if there was the occasional Hitler

0:26:000:26:03

who you knew wasn't doing it for charity. You could have...

0:26:030:26:06

You know, see him being refused water by one of the stewards.

0:26:060:26:09

That would really give it a sort of richness.

0:26:100:26:12

It's all cheering, it's so happy.

0:26:120:26:14

I think there's something about, I don't know,

0:26:140:26:18

making the person feel good about themselves they're achieving

0:26:180:26:22

something, so something...

0:26:220:26:23

..positive.

0:26:240:26:26

They're trying to make themselves feel better.

0:26:260:26:29

I think, OK, at least it's a healthy way rather than going to get the...

0:26:290:26:32

you were talking about the guy getting the three beers,

0:26:320:26:34

the Red Stripes in the morning.

0:26:340:26:36

It's a better way of dealing with it, I think.

0:26:360:26:40

-When you say "the guy", it was me.

-Do you know what I mean?

0:26:400:26:43

So, if we have to pick, if I'm going to pick,

0:26:430:26:46

we all need releases in life. OK, we need releases in life,

0:26:460:26:50

so if I had to pick which is the better option...

0:26:500:26:53

..you know, to drink in the morning or run 26 miles - I think 26 miles.

0:26:540:26:59

Having said that, I'd probably walk it.

0:26:590:27:02

I appreciate your viewpoint, Geri,

0:27:020:27:04

and it is useful for me because I think there's really bad PR out there.

0:27:040:27:07

Some people think that I'm nice.

0:27:070:27:10

Have you ever tried it, though?

0:27:100:27:13

I'll run if someone's chasing me.

0:27:130:27:14

OK. So...

0:27:190:27:22

..ooh, I know what you mean about wackaging.

0:27:220:27:27

But I think it's somebody trying a little bit of comedy.

0:27:280:27:32

It's all right for us heroes of comedy to mock them

0:27:320:27:35

but they're doing what they can.

0:27:350:27:39

I do feel guilty about putting marathons in.

0:27:390:27:42

Guilt, as you say, things like mothering and stuff like that,

0:27:420:27:46

to be made to feel guilty about that is an absolute scandal.

0:27:460:27:49

Therefore, Geri Horner, I shall indeed put guilt into Room 101.

0:27:490:27:55

Yes.

0:27:550:27:56

And that brings us to the end of the show.

0:28:070:28:10

Well done, Geri, you were the most persuasive guest,

0:28:100:28:13

so you are this week's winner.

0:28:130:28:14

Oh, thank you.

0:28:140:28:16

Thank you very much to Katherine Ryan,

0:28:170:28:20

Adam Buxton and Geri Horner.

0:28:200:28:23

And thank you. Goodnight.

0:28:230:28:24

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