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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:22 | 0:00:24 | |
Hello, I'm Frank Skinner, and welcome to Room 101. | 0:00:31 | 0:00:35 | |
Supplying the negative vibes tonight are | 0:00:35 | 0:00:38 | |
soul sister Alice Levine, | 0:00:38 | 0:00:40 | |
daddy cool Bill Bailey, | 0:00:40 | 0:00:42 | |
and me little Aunt Sally, Una Stubbs. | 0:00:42 | 0:00:44 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:00:44 | 0:00:46 | |
So, what's upsetting Bill? | 0:00:52 | 0:00:53 | |
Come on! | 0:01:00 | 0:01:02 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:01:02 | 0:01:04 | |
It's just not right. | 0:01:05 | 0:01:07 | |
It's just... There's something wrong about it. | 0:01:09 | 0:01:12 | |
It's toxic, salty, fishy gloop! | 0:01:12 | 0:01:17 | |
It looks like the devil's own blancmange. | 0:01:17 | 0:01:20 | |
It's wrong! | 0:01:20 | 0:01:21 | |
Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! | 0:01:21 | 0:01:23 | |
Why have taramasalata when there's hummus in the world? | 0:01:23 | 0:01:26 | |
CHEERING | 0:01:26 | 0:01:28 | |
I've got to tell you, Bill - I'm not saying this for comedy effect, | 0:01:32 | 0:01:35 | |
this is absolutely true - | 0:01:35 | 0:01:36 | |
I have taramasalata as a meal, I would say, five or six times a week. | 0:01:36 | 0:01:43 | |
-No, you don't. -What? -I swear! | 0:01:43 | 0:01:46 | |
-No, that's... -I swear that is true. | 0:01:46 | 0:01:48 | |
And I'll show you why... | 0:01:48 | 0:01:50 | |
You eat it... | 0:01:50 | 0:01:51 | |
-five times a week? -This is how I eat it. | 0:01:51 | 0:01:53 | |
-Have you seen corn cakes? -Corn cakes, yes. | 0:01:53 | 0:01:55 | |
I mean, cakes is pushing it. | 0:01:55 | 0:01:57 | |
-Let's call them corn coasters. -Yeah. | 0:01:59 | 0:02:01 | |
I break those, and I'm... | 0:02:03 | 0:02:05 | |
Honestly, if my family were here, they would testify to this. | 0:02:05 | 0:02:08 | |
And I will do this. | 0:02:08 | 0:02:09 | |
I'll have a bit of greenery with it, bit of salad. | 0:02:09 | 0:02:12 | |
But mainly... | 0:02:12 | 0:02:14 | |
Just you eating it like that, it's making me feel ill. | 0:02:14 | 0:02:18 | |
-It's great! -How could you? | 0:02:18 | 0:02:19 | |
-It's not right! -I love it. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:20 | |
You've gone for the kind of shop-bought pink one. | 0:02:20 | 0:02:23 | |
-Yeah. -Which I think is... Is it Greek? -It is. -Is that where | 0:02:23 | 0:02:26 | |
it's from? It's usually got fresh dill and stuff in it. | 0:02:26 | 0:02:29 | |
I don't know where the pink's come from. | 0:02:29 | 0:02:31 | |
It's dyed! It's dyed pink, to make it look more like pudding! | 0:02:31 | 0:02:36 | |
It might be when I was a kid, I thought it was Angel Delight. | 0:02:37 | 0:02:40 | |
I took a big spoonful of it... | 0:02:40 | 0:02:41 | |
-The sort of quality stuff is this colour. -Yes. | 0:02:43 | 0:02:47 | |
And I do occasionally... | 0:02:47 | 0:02:49 | |
That's less suspicious, isn't it? | 0:02:49 | 0:02:50 | |
-Yeah. -Now, the whiter stuff, that is the top-quality gear. | 0:02:50 | 0:02:55 | |
That I... | 0:02:55 | 0:02:56 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:56 | 0:02:58 | |
Sorry, I'm talking... | 0:02:58 | 0:02:59 | |
I'm talking like it's some kind of drug you'd buy in a pub. | 0:03:01 | 0:03:05 | |
You got any of that white stuff? You know, it's not cut | 0:03:05 | 0:03:07 | |
with the pink stuff. No, that's... | 0:03:07 | 0:03:09 | |
So, wait, is the pink stuff, that's like street grade? | 0:03:09 | 0:03:11 | |
That is really the low-grade stuff. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:14 | |
-That is really being... -But still lovely and they... | 0:03:14 | 0:03:16 | |
-It's not! -They tend to put a little bit of beetroot in it, | 0:03:16 | 0:03:19 | |
that's all to get it pink. | 0:03:19 | 0:03:20 | |
-It's nothing bad. -Bill thinks it's got rat poison in it | 0:03:20 | 0:03:23 | |
and cement dust! | 0:03:23 | 0:03:24 | |
The high-quality gear, yes, it's white, it's an ancient food. | 0:03:26 | 0:03:30 | |
Tarama, which is Turkish for... | 0:03:30 | 0:03:32 | |
..fish. | 0:03:34 | 0:03:35 | |
For, "Goodbye, mother." | 0:03:37 | 0:03:39 | |
And salata, which is Greek for salad. | 0:03:45 | 0:03:50 | |
I'm not decrying the good stuff, the ancient stuff. | 0:03:52 | 0:03:54 | |
I'm talking about what you're talking about, | 0:03:54 | 0:03:56 | |
which is this shop, this cheap, kind of pinky goop. | 0:03:56 | 0:03:59 | |
-And it's suspiciously smooth as well, isn't it? -Slimy. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:01 | |
It's got a strange, slimy texture. | 0:04:01 | 0:04:03 | |
What do you mean "suspiciously smooth"? | 0:04:03 | 0:04:05 | |
-Well, because I feel like the good stuff... -It is slimy. | 0:04:05 | 0:04:07 | |
Slimy, yeah. The good stuff has texture. | 0:04:07 | 0:04:09 | |
Hummus is slimy! | 0:04:09 | 0:04:11 | |
-No. -It's gritty. | 0:04:11 | 0:04:13 | |
It's gritty because it's made from hardboard. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:17 | |
That's what it tastes like. | 0:04:17 | 0:04:18 | |
It's one of the great foods of the world! | 0:04:18 | 0:04:20 | |
-Hummus? -Hummus with a carrot baton | 0:04:20 | 0:04:22 | |
is one of the great pleasures of life! | 0:04:22 | 0:04:25 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:04:25 | 0:04:26 | |
-You can put virtually anything in hummus. -Celery. | 0:04:29 | 0:04:32 | |
Yeah, but exactly. | 0:04:32 | 0:04:33 | |
Hummus needs help, in the way that taramasalata doesn't. | 0:04:33 | 0:04:36 | |
Taramasalata needs to be avoided! | 0:04:36 | 0:04:38 | |
It needs to be buried in the Earth for millions of years | 0:04:38 | 0:04:41 | |
until it loses its radioactivity! | 0:04:41 | 0:04:44 | |
All I'm saying, I don't like its solo work. | 0:04:45 | 0:04:47 | |
Yeah, but you had to have a flipping corn cake... | 0:04:47 | 0:04:50 | |
Well, there's a lot of flavour in that! | 0:04:50 | 0:04:53 | |
..to force the taramasalata down! | 0:04:53 | 0:04:55 | |
You wouldn't get it with a spoon! | 0:04:55 | 0:04:56 | |
That's because I don't want to use my fingers. | 0:04:56 | 0:04:59 | |
Well, use a straw! | 0:04:59 | 0:05:00 | |
I dare you! | 0:05:02 | 0:05:04 | |
-You're a musical man, Bill. -Yes. -Aren't you? | 0:05:04 | 0:05:06 | |
Let me see if I can win you over with this. | 0:05:06 | 0:05:09 | |
-# Taramasalata -# Taramasalata | 0:05:13 | 0:05:15 | |
# Just a starter made for two. # | 0:05:15 | 0:05:18 | |
LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SINGING | 0:05:18 | 0:05:20 | |
# Tip-top pitta platter went my heart | 0:05:20 | 0:05:23 | |
# And then somehow I knew | 0:05:23 | 0:05:25 | |
# Somehow I knew that this was love. # | 0:05:25 | 0:05:28 | |
This is some kind of hell! | 0:05:29 | 0:05:32 | |
Make it stop! | 0:05:32 | 0:05:33 | |
-Where was that from? -It's from my new album. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:40 | |
I can't tell you what an important part of my life it is, Bill. | 0:05:43 | 0:05:46 | |
-I can't believe that! -You think I'm making it up! | 0:05:46 | 0:05:48 | |
I have... Every week, I get through three tubs, no problem. | 0:05:48 | 0:05:53 | |
Would you, like, lick them clean? | 0:05:53 | 0:05:55 | |
Look at me, look at me! I'm 60! I look fantastic! | 0:05:55 | 0:05:58 | |
And do you know why I look fantastic?! | 0:05:58 | 0:06:00 | |
# Taramasalata | 0:06:00 | 0:06:02 | |
# Just a starter made for two. # | 0:06:02 | 0:06:04 | |
Nope! | 0:06:06 | 0:06:08 | |
And so to Una. | 0:06:09 | 0:06:11 | |
-People who speak too loudly. -Yes. | 0:06:14 | 0:06:18 | |
You know like when you're in a cafe or something and there's a group | 0:06:18 | 0:06:21 | |
of people next door, and they have to shout. | 0:06:21 | 0:06:24 | |
And the table's only quite small, | 0:06:24 | 0:06:26 | |
and they like shouting across to each other. | 0:06:26 | 0:06:28 | |
And the worst thing is... | 0:06:28 | 0:06:29 | |
I go to Edinburgh quite a lot, because I have a family up there, | 0:06:29 | 0:06:33 | |
and I love the train journey, it's about five hours. | 0:06:33 | 0:06:36 | |
And so you've got your picnic and your book, and then suddenly, | 0:06:36 | 0:06:40 | |
everybody's mobiles come out, and people start shouting down | 0:06:40 | 0:06:44 | |
into them. You want to go up to them and say, "Excuse me, | 0:06:44 | 0:06:48 | |
"if you're as sophisticated as you're making out you are, | 0:06:48 | 0:06:51 | |
"you should know that you don't have to shout into a mobile." | 0:06:51 | 0:06:55 | |
Technology. | 0:06:55 | 0:06:56 | |
My partner asked me very early on in our relationship | 0:07:02 | 0:07:06 | |
whether people thought I was deaf. | 0:07:06 | 0:07:08 | |
Because people used to come up to me and go... | 0:07:08 | 0:07:11 | |
HE SHOUTS: "Frankie! Frankie!" from about three feet away. | 0:07:11 | 0:07:15 | |
-Do you get this, Bill? -Yes. -What is that about? | 0:07:15 | 0:07:18 | |
Is it because we don't respond when they're shouting at the telly? | 0:07:19 | 0:07:22 | |
That's right. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:26 | |
I think it's an assumption that you are | 0:07:26 | 0:07:29 | |
always kind of up for a bit of a laugh. | 0:07:29 | 0:07:32 | |
-Yeah? -You know, if you're a comedian, | 0:07:32 | 0:07:34 | |
people think you're just up for a jape the whole time. | 0:07:34 | 0:07:37 | |
So they would say, "Bill! Billy! Billy!" | 0:07:37 | 0:07:40 | |
This is people shouting at me from vans. | 0:07:42 | 0:07:44 | |
Yeah. You get that thing from a van. "Legend!" | 0:07:44 | 0:07:48 | |
Which I quite like. | 0:07:48 | 0:07:49 | |
I got that once, and I was quite proud. | 0:07:51 | 0:07:53 | |
And I looked around and King Arthur was standing behind me. | 0:07:53 | 0:07:56 | |
Can you explain it? | 0:08:00 | 0:08:01 | |
The phone thing, I think that is people thinking you have to share. | 0:08:01 | 0:08:05 | |
But there are some people... | 0:08:05 | 0:08:06 | |
Plus, they're showing off as well, aren't they? | 0:08:06 | 0:08:09 | |
They're doing some big business deal, you know, | 0:08:09 | 0:08:11 | |
that they want everyone to hear about. | 0:08:11 | 0:08:13 | |
And you can't carry on reading if people are | 0:08:13 | 0:08:16 | |
shouting like that, like on the train, | 0:08:16 | 0:08:18 | |
because their words get all muddled up with the words | 0:08:18 | 0:08:21 | |
that you're trying to... | 0:08:21 | 0:08:22 | |
Maybe you should read aloud. | 0:08:22 | 0:08:24 | |
-Really loud. -Really loud! | 0:08:25 | 0:08:28 | |
-To annoy them. -That would be lovely! | 0:08:28 | 0:08:29 | |
-That would be so nice! -If you're going to do that, | 0:08:29 | 0:08:31 | |
can I come with you? | 0:08:31 | 0:08:33 | |
Have you ever considered ear plugs, Una? | 0:08:33 | 0:08:37 | |
No, I haven't! | 0:08:37 | 0:08:38 | |
-Some people... You know, you put your fingers in your ears? -Yeah. | 0:08:38 | 0:08:42 | |
But obviously, if you're in a restaurant, you're eating, | 0:08:42 | 0:08:44 | |
that's difficult. So I use these. | 0:08:44 | 0:08:47 | |
Absolute bliss. | 0:08:54 | 0:08:56 | |
These ones I wear and people don't even know I'm wearing earplugs. | 0:08:56 | 0:09:00 | |
A little glimpse into the future. | 0:09:07 | 0:09:09 | |
-They're quite nice! -Keep you warm. | 0:09:09 | 0:09:11 | |
What I really hate is when people wear these huge headphones | 0:09:13 | 0:09:17 | |
and listen to music. | 0:09:17 | 0:09:18 | |
But then start... | 0:09:18 | 0:09:21 | |
..you know, joining in with some of the words. | 0:09:23 | 0:09:25 | |
HE SHOUTS NONSENSE | 0:09:25 | 0:09:28 | |
-It's horrible! -So how do you cope with these loud people, Una? | 0:09:30 | 0:09:33 | |
Do you just tolerate it and smile? | 0:09:33 | 0:09:36 | |
I suppose I do tolerate it. | 0:09:36 | 0:09:38 | |
-You've never complained? -Just close the book and... -Aww. | 0:09:38 | 0:09:41 | |
Do you ever lose it? Do you ever just go crazy? | 0:09:41 | 0:09:44 | |
I'm going crazy inside, but I don't say anything. | 0:09:44 | 0:09:47 | |
I just... You never know nowadays. | 0:09:47 | 0:09:49 | |
They could give you a punch or whatever. | 0:09:49 | 0:09:52 | |
Oh, come on, not in first class. | 0:09:52 | 0:09:53 | |
Anyway, so what's upsetting Alice? | 0:09:55 | 0:09:58 | |
So, passive aggression, in general, I love. | 0:10:06 | 0:10:10 | |
It's great. But passive aggressive politeness is, for example, | 0:10:10 | 0:10:15 | |
when someone makes themselves feel better by doing something polite, | 0:10:15 | 0:10:19 | |
but it's kind of got an undertone. | 0:10:19 | 0:10:21 | |
So, have you ever been in a long corridor? | 0:10:21 | 0:10:23 | |
Actually, it happened here. There are long corridors here. | 0:10:23 | 0:10:26 | |
Where somebody opens the door for you, but it's miles away, | 0:10:26 | 0:10:29 | |
so you have to pick up your pace, | 0:10:29 | 0:10:31 | |
and you've got bags and stuff and like a coat with you, | 0:10:31 | 0:10:33 | |
so you have to run down the corridor so that you're not keeping them from | 0:10:33 | 0:10:37 | |
-holding the door too long. -Yeah, I hate that. | 0:10:37 | 0:10:39 | |
I didn't ask you to hold the door open for me. | 0:10:39 | 0:10:41 | |
Don't make out like I've put you out! | 0:10:41 | 0:10:43 | |
You've decided to be a doorman for the day. | 0:10:43 | 0:10:46 | |
The other one which particularly upsets me is, you're on a bus | 0:10:46 | 0:10:51 | |
and someone's sat on the outside seat, so the seat near the aisle, | 0:10:51 | 0:10:56 | |
not the one next to the window. | 0:10:56 | 0:10:57 | |
And you get on and they don't budge up to the window seat. | 0:10:57 | 0:11:01 | |
They make you climb. | 0:11:01 | 0:11:03 | |
They kind of lean like this, they go like this. | 0:11:03 | 0:11:06 | |
And they make you budge into the gap. | 0:11:06 | 0:11:08 | |
And then they go, "You're welcome," kind of thing. | 0:11:08 | 0:11:12 | |
You haven't helped me in the slightest! | 0:11:12 | 0:11:14 | |
Don't pat yourself on the back for being a good person! | 0:11:14 | 0:11:16 | |
You've done that... | 0:11:16 | 0:11:17 | |
I mean, the door thing, I hold doors open for people, | 0:11:19 | 0:11:23 | |
but you've got to judge your distance. | 0:11:23 | 0:11:24 | |
Very much. Otherwise, it is a move of aggression. | 0:11:24 | 0:11:28 | |
I've had people just give up on me. | 0:11:28 | 0:11:30 | |
If I open the door and I don't.. | 0:11:30 | 0:11:32 | |
I won't hurry. | 0:11:32 | 0:11:34 | |
And they've just given up. They look over your shoulder like | 0:11:34 | 0:11:36 | |
they were holding it for someone else who's now gone, | 0:11:36 | 0:11:39 | |
and they just leave it. I never accelerate, let them wait. | 0:11:39 | 0:11:42 | |
Having said that, if I hold a door open for someone, | 0:11:43 | 0:11:47 | |
I want a thank you. | 0:11:47 | 0:11:49 | |
And these flats I lived in, | 0:11:49 | 0:11:51 | |
I was getting in quite late and I held the door open for a bloke. | 0:11:51 | 0:11:54 | |
And the thing I always say, if they don't say anything is, | 0:11:54 | 0:11:57 | |
"Don't mention it. Oh, you didn't." | 0:11:57 | 0:11:59 | |
-I always say that. -That's so pass agg though. -Yeah. | 0:11:59 | 0:12:02 | |
And this guy said to me, "It's one o'clock in the morning." | 0:12:02 | 0:12:05 | |
And I said, "Sorry, what are the opening hours for politeness?" | 0:12:05 | 0:12:10 | |
It's like if you're in the car and you let someone out, | 0:12:10 | 0:12:13 | |
you want something back. | 0:12:13 | 0:12:16 | |
You've stopped, you're going, "Go on," | 0:12:16 | 0:12:18 | |
and they just drive past. I will go, "Oh, thank you! | 0:12:18 | 0:12:21 | |
"No, thanks! Cheers!" | 0:12:21 | 0:12:23 | |
I thought you were going to say, "I will follow them home | 0:12:23 | 0:12:25 | |
-"and I'll walk in front of them." -Yeah! | 0:12:25 | 0:12:27 | |
Follow them. Tailgate them all the way to where they live. | 0:12:27 | 0:12:31 | |
I have a friend who calls it out. | 0:12:31 | 0:12:32 | |
You know, the people that push onto the train before people | 0:12:32 | 0:12:34 | |
have come off. And she just stands at the door and goes, | 0:12:34 | 0:12:37 | |
"Off before on!" | 0:12:37 | 0:12:40 | |
No-one's asked her to do it. | 0:12:40 | 0:12:42 | |
-That's brilliant! -Wow. | 0:12:42 | 0:12:44 | |
And it does have quite an impact. | 0:12:44 | 0:12:47 | |
-It does. -Yeah, she's the only one in the cabin. | 0:12:47 | 0:12:50 | |
It's ideal. She always gets a seat. | 0:12:50 | 0:12:53 | |
Una, I imagine you're a phenomenally polite person. | 0:12:53 | 0:12:56 | |
-Is that...? -No. -You're not? -No. | 0:12:56 | 0:12:58 | |
-Oh, OK. -Like, for instance, with the car business | 0:12:58 | 0:13:01 | |
and sometimes they go, "Boop, boop, boop, boop," | 0:13:01 | 0:13:04 | |
because you're not hurrying or something when you're | 0:13:04 | 0:13:06 | |
crossing the road, and I always go, "Legs before wheels!" | 0:13:06 | 0:13:10 | |
It's true! | 0:13:12 | 0:13:13 | |
Is that the chronology of getting older? | 0:13:13 | 0:13:15 | |
I've never heard of this before, | 0:13:22 | 0:13:24 | |
but it's people using the names of their Wi-Fi networks | 0:13:24 | 0:13:29 | |
to be passive aggressive. | 0:13:29 | 0:13:30 | |
-Right. -So... | 0:13:30 | 0:13:32 | |
This is so your neighbours will pick up your Wi-Fi network. | 0:13:34 | 0:13:38 | |
-This is genius. -And then, actually, an exchange between two neighbours, | 0:13:38 | 0:13:43 | |
this one. | 0:13:43 | 0:13:44 | |
"Stop stealing my newspaper," | 0:13:46 | 0:13:47 | |
and the response - fabulous. | 0:13:47 | 0:13:49 | |
"For your information, I don't read it, I just throw away!" | 0:13:50 | 0:13:53 | |
I'm so into that. | 0:13:58 | 0:14:00 | |
You may have guessed, Bill... | 0:14:00 | 0:14:02 | |
-What? -I'm not going to put taramasalata. | 0:14:02 | 0:14:05 | |
AUDIENCE BOO | 0:14:05 | 0:14:07 | |
What would I live on?! | 0:14:07 | 0:14:09 | |
Hummus! | 0:14:09 | 0:14:11 | |
People who talk too loudly... | 0:14:12 | 0:14:14 | |
Again, it is a pain, but I love to eavesdrop on a train. | 0:14:14 | 0:14:20 | |
And I know it's not my business that Dave in sales lost 7K on the | 0:14:20 | 0:14:24 | |
Zanussi deal, but I still like the idea that I'm hearing it. | 0:14:24 | 0:14:28 | |
It's exciting. The passive aggressive polite... | 0:14:28 | 0:14:30 | |
I think politeness is such an important thing | 0:14:30 | 0:14:33 | |
and I don't want it impaired or spoilt in any way, | 0:14:33 | 0:14:37 | |
so I'm going to put passive aggressive politeness into Room 101. | 0:14:37 | 0:14:41 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:14:41 | 0:14:44 | |
So, what's making Una unhappy? | 0:14:52 | 0:14:55 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:15:02 | 0:15:05 | |
Moths. | 0:15:05 | 0:15:06 | |
I mean, what are they for? | 0:15:06 | 0:15:08 | |
I had a lovely, woolly dressing gown once, | 0:15:08 | 0:15:11 | |
and I hung it up for the summer season. | 0:15:11 | 0:15:14 | |
And when I went to it in the winter season, there was a hole - | 0:15:14 | 0:15:17 | |
I don't exaggerate - that big. | 0:15:17 | 0:15:19 | |
I mean, un-mendable. | 0:15:19 | 0:15:21 | |
And you never see moths flying around with great big bellies. | 0:15:21 | 0:15:25 | |
What do they do with the wool that they've eaten? | 0:15:25 | 0:15:27 | |
You never see moth poo. | 0:15:27 | 0:15:30 | |
-No. -What are they doing with all this wool? | 0:15:30 | 0:15:33 | |
What actually eats the material is, | 0:15:33 | 0:15:35 | |
they lay their eggs and the eggs use the cloth as nutrition, | 0:15:35 | 0:15:42 | |
and so it's the growing babies that... | 0:15:42 | 0:15:45 | |
But the hole was that big! | 0:15:45 | 0:15:47 | |
You know, it's quite a community there. | 0:15:47 | 0:15:50 | |
Do you think moths are making their own clothes? | 0:15:50 | 0:15:53 | |
You know, secretly? | 0:15:53 | 0:15:54 | |
They go for the posh wool. | 0:15:54 | 0:15:56 | |
They do, yeah. They love the nice stuff. | 0:15:56 | 0:15:58 | |
They leave all the taramasalata of the clothed world. | 0:15:58 | 0:16:02 | |
They leave all of that and they go for the nice stuff. | 0:16:02 | 0:16:05 | |
Well, that's resentment, | 0:16:05 | 0:16:06 | |
because, like, butterflies always look fantastic, | 0:16:06 | 0:16:10 | |
whereas moths have got that sort of North Korea type of feel. | 0:16:10 | 0:16:13 | |
I can show you an example, this is brought from my house. | 0:16:14 | 0:16:18 | |
I have a moth trap, and, if you look at that, | 0:16:18 | 0:16:22 | |
it looks like there's been some sort of terrible germ warfare | 0:16:22 | 0:16:26 | |
happened in the Louvre. | 0:16:26 | 0:16:28 | |
Or like somebody's done a graph, but using dead moths. | 0:16:30 | 0:16:33 | |
-This is about a month's worth of collection in my bedroom. -Really? | 0:16:36 | 0:16:40 | |
Yes, so I get quite a lot. | 0:16:40 | 0:16:42 | |
-I found the solution. -Ah. | 0:16:42 | 0:16:44 | |
Lavender bags. | 0:16:44 | 0:16:46 | |
What? Hit them with a lavender bag? | 0:16:46 | 0:16:49 | |
Squeeze the lavender bag. | 0:16:49 | 0:16:51 | |
Every time you open the drawer and then with the sweater, | 0:16:51 | 0:16:53 | |
just squeeze them and the smell. | 0:16:53 | 0:16:55 | |
-They don't like the smell. -I did that, but I got rid of the moths, | 0:16:55 | 0:16:58 | |
but when I got in my room it's full of pensioners. | 0:16:58 | 0:17:01 | |
Which... | 0:17:03 | 0:17:05 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:17:05 | 0:17:06 | |
..at my age, is not a bad thing. | 0:17:09 | 0:17:11 | |
Moths are amazing. No, I'm sticking up for moths, I'm afraid. | 0:17:13 | 0:17:16 | |
-Really? -Are you? -Moths are amazing creatures! | 0:17:16 | 0:17:18 | |
There's more species of moth than butterfly. | 0:17:18 | 0:17:20 | |
They're incredibly diverse, you can't say they're dull and brown. | 0:17:20 | 0:17:23 | |
What about the Emperor Hawk-moth? Come on! | 0:17:23 | 0:17:25 | |
-CHEERING -Yes! They're beautiful. | 0:17:25 | 0:17:28 | |
-Very pretty. -Stunning example. -Everyone's like, "Yeah! I don't really know..." | 0:17:28 | 0:17:31 | |
Just stunning pinks and browns, they're beautiful things. | 0:17:31 | 0:17:34 | |
Fascinating creatures! | 0:17:34 | 0:17:36 | |
And they're nocturnal. Like, I'm nocturnal. | 0:17:36 | 0:17:38 | |
So I associate with moths. | 0:17:38 | 0:17:41 | |
You didn't consider wearing the dressing gown with the hole? | 0:17:42 | 0:17:45 | |
No, it was huge and it was in a funny place. | 0:17:47 | 0:17:50 | |
So, what is upsetting Bill Bailey? | 0:17:53 | 0:17:54 | |
I find this a kind of torture. | 0:18:06 | 0:18:10 | |
And when I say trying on clothes, I don't mean at home, | 0:18:10 | 0:18:13 | |
in the comfort of your home. I mean going to a shop, | 0:18:13 | 0:18:16 | |
and trying to pick clothes out, going into a booth, | 0:18:16 | 0:18:20 | |
and trying them on. | 0:18:20 | 0:18:21 | |
It's just some form of hell. | 0:18:21 | 0:18:24 | |
Because you get in and the clothes are stiff and unyielding. | 0:18:24 | 0:18:29 | |
You get in the booth, I feel already claustrophobic. | 0:18:29 | 0:18:34 | |
I'm getting a bit of a sweat on just thinking about it now. | 0:18:34 | 0:18:36 | |
White wall, a mirror, yourself looking, staring at you. | 0:18:36 | 0:18:41 | |
And what usually happens with me is, take your jeans off, | 0:18:41 | 0:18:44 | |
all the change fell out of my jeans pocket. | 0:18:44 | 0:18:46 | |
And rolled under the door of the changing room, | 0:18:48 | 0:18:52 | |
-out into the shop! It's in the shop now! -Oh, no. | 0:18:52 | 0:18:55 | |
Like, about four and half quid's worth of change | 0:18:55 | 0:18:57 | |
is loose in the public domain. | 0:18:57 | 0:19:00 | |
And then, the most horrible, when people go around and they go, | 0:19:00 | 0:19:04 | |
"Are you all right in there?" | 0:19:04 | 0:19:06 | |
Like, they think's something's gone wrong. | 0:19:06 | 0:19:08 | |
And then, "Oh, there's money here!" | 0:19:08 | 0:19:10 | |
And then I was just scrambling around on the floor, | 0:19:10 | 0:19:13 | |
in my underpants, getting people passing money under the door. | 0:19:13 | 0:19:18 | |
I just thought... | 0:19:22 | 0:19:24 | |
"This is no way to live!" | 0:19:24 | 0:19:25 | |
I often, I'm with my girlfriend, | 0:19:27 | 0:19:30 | |
so she's trying on stuff and I'm hanging around outside, | 0:19:30 | 0:19:33 | |
which I don't like. | 0:19:33 | 0:19:34 | |
I always find they look at you, the assistants, as if, | 0:19:34 | 0:19:37 | |
are you waiting for someone or are you an opportunist? | 0:19:37 | 0:19:41 | |
Just hoping the curtain might not be properly drawn or something. | 0:19:41 | 0:19:45 | |
And I feel really... I have to sit looking at the floor. | 0:19:45 | 0:19:49 | |
This idea, though, of being in a closed space trying to | 0:19:49 | 0:19:52 | |
put on clothes, it's always awkward, there's never enough room. | 0:19:52 | 0:19:55 | |
I just find... And then that little shame thing | 0:19:55 | 0:19:58 | |
where they give you a little disc, some plastic disc. | 0:19:58 | 0:20:01 | |
"There, take that, because you look like you might steal it." | 0:20:01 | 0:20:04 | |
But when I go into a cubicle and step out, | 0:20:06 | 0:20:10 | |
I cannot resist going, "Ta-da!" | 0:20:10 | 0:20:13 | |
I do that in public toilets. | 0:20:14 | 0:20:16 | |
So there is an element of performance for me. | 0:20:18 | 0:20:22 | |
Well, there is, maybe. | 0:20:22 | 0:20:23 | |
But it's shame, I feel. | 0:20:23 | 0:20:25 | |
Because I've chosen these trousers and then when they go, | 0:20:25 | 0:20:28 | |
"Everything all right?" "Yes!" | 0:20:28 | 0:20:30 | |
"Do you need any help?" "No! No, I'm fine." | 0:20:30 | 0:20:32 | |
What I want to say is, "No, everything's not all right." | 0:20:32 | 0:20:35 | |
This is a squalid indignity that I'm putting myself through. | 0:20:35 | 0:20:39 | |
And when they bring that extra size, and they shout it out. | 0:20:39 | 0:20:42 | |
"Who are these for?! We got these out!" | 0:20:42 | 0:20:44 | |
-You're like, "Sh, don't have to tell the world! -Yeah. | 0:20:44 | 0:20:47 | |
"Too small? Were they too small?!" | 0:20:47 | 0:20:49 | |
"For the girl that let herself go over Christmas!" | 0:20:52 | 0:20:54 | |
Yeah, thank you...! | 0:20:54 | 0:20:56 | |
I don't like the mirror at the end of... | 0:20:56 | 0:20:58 | |
You know, if it is the separate cubicles, | 0:20:58 | 0:21:00 | |
where you're supposed to come out and look at the big mirror. | 0:21:00 | 0:21:02 | |
There's already a mirror in your little room, | 0:21:02 | 0:21:04 | |
you don't need to come out to the public mirror | 0:21:04 | 0:21:06 | |
to do a kind of catwalk. I have my own little private space. | 0:21:06 | 0:21:09 | |
And there's one of that, a bit of that on the mirror. | 0:21:09 | 0:21:12 | |
Oh, yeah, always distorted, like a fairground mirror. | 0:21:12 | 0:21:14 | |
So you're like, "Why are my ankles now the same width as my head?" | 0:21:14 | 0:21:18 | |
That's weird. | 0:21:18 | 0:21:19 | |
That's mean. | 0:21:19 | 0:21:21 | |
Somebody putting fairground mirrors in changing rooms! | 0:21:21 | 0:21:24 | |
-Yeah, or are they? -Or are they? | 0:21:24 | 0:21:26 | |
But can I share, this is a changing room that you don't have to step | 0:21:28 | 0:21:32 | |
out of to show the person with you what you're wearing, | 0:21:32 | 0:21:36 | |
which I think is a brilliant idea. | 0:21:36 | 0:21:37 | |
You put your clothing on... So a woman's gone in, this is | 0:21:37 | 0:21:41 | |
her partner sitting there. | 0:21:41 | 0:21:43 | |
And then she presses a button, he can see. | 0:21:43 | 0:21:47 | |
OK. | 0:21:47 | 0:21:48 | |
OK. So you don't have to step out. | 0:21:49 | 0:21:52 | |
Isn't that a great idea? | 0:21:52 | 0:21:53 | |
It feels a bit like she's not allowed out | 0:21:53 | 0:21:56 | |
until she finds the right one. | 0:21:56 | 0:21:57 | |
You know, that... See, that is already making me | 0:22:00 | 0:22:03 | |
slightly palpitate with the fear of what might happen | 0:22:03 | 0:22:06 | |
if that malfunctioned, you know? | 0:22:06 | 0:22:08 | |
It un-frosts and you're... | 0:22:11 | 0:22:13 | |
Stop it! | 0:22:17 | 0:22:19 | |
-That would be horrible! -APPLAUSE | 0:22:19 | 0:22:21 | |
That's just made it 100 times worse! | 0:22:21 | 0:22:23 | |
OK, what's winding up Alice? | 0:22:26 | 0:22:29 | |
So, it's drama cliches. | 0:22:32 | 0:22:35 | |
There are quite a lot of drama cliches. | 0:22:35 | 0:22:37 | |
So, I won't list them all, | 0:22:37 | 0:22:39 | |
but one in particular that kind of grinds my gears is | 0:22:39 | 0:22:44 | |
really bad exposition. | 0:22:44 | 0:22:47 | |
So that's that bit where, in TV or in film, | 0:22:47 | 0:22:49 | |
they give the audience the background that they need | 0:22:49 | 0:22:52 | |
to understand the rest of the story. They don't have time | 0:22:52 | 0:22:55 | |
to actually act it out, so they just do a bit of explaining. | 0:22:55 | 0:22:57 | |
So they do lots of this in cop dramas or medical dramas. | 0:22:57 | 0:23:02 | |
Medical dramas are good, because it's usually a doctor explaining | 0:23:02 | 0:23:05 | |
to another doctor something they already know. | 0:23:05 | 0:23:07 | |
So they'll be like, "Don't forget, if we pull the heart out, | 0:23:07 | 0:23:09 | |
"they're going to die!" | 0:23:09 | 0:23:11 | |
When it's bad, it's really bad. It's really patronising. | 0:23:11 | 0:23:14 | |
-It is patronising. -Isn't it patronising, Una? | 0:23:14 | 0:23:16 | |
Furious about it! | 0:23:16 | 0:23:18 | |
I shout at the television, "Cut!" | 0:23:18 | 0:23:20 | |
It's usually about the time, isn't it? | 0:23:22 | 0:23:24 | |
They think, "Let's move this along." | 0:23:24 | 0:23:26 | |
We want people to get what's happening pretty... | 0:23:26 | 0:23:30 | |
"Hey, so how was your day at the hospital | 0:23:30 | 0:23:33 | |
"where you work as an orthopaedic surgeon for the last ten years?" | 0:23:33 | 0:23:37 | |
"Well, it was great! It was great, thanks. | 0:23:37 | 0:23:39 | |
"But I'm having a few problems with the affair I'm having with | 0:23:39 | 0:23:43 | |
"Dr Mitchell, who lives at 42. | 0:23:43 | 0:23:45 | |
"Oh, that affair which has been going on for several years." | 0:23:45 | 0:23:48 | |
It's like, you wouldn't say that! That is not your small talk! | 0:23:48 | 0:23:50 | |
Nobody talks like that. | 0:23:50 | 0:23:51 | |
But the worst for it, the absolute worst for it, | 0:23:51 | 0:23:54 | |
is every single James Bond film. | 0:23:54 | 0:23:56 | |
So there's that bit, which we all know, where James Bond's | 0:23:56 | 0:24:00 | |
had a lovely time, probably had a little snog with a lady. | 0:24:00 | 0:24:04 | |
And then, oh, he's got captured, what a wally! | 0:24:04 | 0:24:07 | |
Jim, what you playing at? | 0:24:07 | 0:24:08 | |
So then he's usually about to be killed by the baddie, | 0:24:08 | 0:24:11 | |
and the baddie's like, "Just before I kill you... | 0:24:11 | 0:24:14 | |
"I'm just going to let you know the entirety of my plan | 0:24:14 | 0:24:17 | |
"for taking over the world. | 0:24:17 | 0:24:18 | |
"Kind of pointless, because obviously I'm about to kill you, | 0:24:18 | 0:24:21 | |
"but I just want to get it off my chest. | 0:24:21 | 0:24:23 | |
"It's kind of cathartic for me. So here's what I'm going to do..." | 0:24:23 | 0:24:26 | |
And then they tell him everything. | 0:24:26 | 0:24:27 | |
And then obviously he escapes. But that's for us, isn't it? | 0:24:27 | 0:24:30 | |
That's so we know what he has to discover, | 0:24:30 | 0:24:32 | |
or what he has to get over. | 0:24:32 | 0:24:33 | |
I always think once they tell him, they're going to say, | 0:24:33 | 0:24:35 | |
"Maybe I won't wait for the egg timer to strike the match | 0:24:35 | 0:24:38 | |
"that burns the string that causes... | 0:24:38 | 0:24:40 | |
"I'll just shoot you in the face." | 0:24:40 | 0:24:42 | |
I always think that a thing that they're not very good at in drama, | 0:24:42 | 0:24:47 | |
especially in like soap operas, is telling lies. | 0:24:47 | 0:24:50 | |
Because I think most people are brilliant at telling lies. | 0:24:50 | 0:24:53 | |
But in soap operas, they say, "Have you seen Steve recently?" | 0:24:53 | 0:24:57 | |
-Yes! -"Erm, no, no, no, I haven't seen... | 0:24:58 | 0:25:01 | |
"I haven't seen him for ages, actually!" "Oh, I just wondered." | 0:25:01 | 0:25:04 | |
Whereas in normal life - I know we've all had affairs... | 0:25:04 | 0:25:07 | |
..people are brilliant liars... | 0:25:09 | 0:25:10 | |
-Yeah! -.. in fact. -It's like the hug one. | 0:25:10 | 0:25:13 | |
You know, when they hug in a drama, | 0:25:13 | 0:25:14 | |
and one of them's evil and one of them's good. | 0:25:14 | 0:25:17 | |
And then the bad one's always like this... | 0:25:17 | 0:25:19 | |
-Yeah. -If you're evil, do you just constantly do evil looks | 0:25:21 | 0:25:24 | |
up to like...? It's usually top, top right. | 0:25:24 | 0:25:27 | |
I tell you, there's a thing in EastEnders I love. | 0:25:29 | 0:25:31 | |
If someone who runs one of the market stalls | 0:25:31 | 0:25:34 | |
has got something important to do, they'll just say, | 0:25:34 | 0:25:37 | |
"Paul, can you look after my stall for a bit?" | 0:25:37 | 0:25:40 | |
And they say, "Well, I don't... What's the pricing system? | 0:25:40 | 0:25:44 | |
"I've got no retail experience". | 0:25:44 | 0:25:46 | |
They just give them, like, they just give them a leather pouch... | 0:25:46 | 0:25:49 | |
-Yeah. -..with money in, and they say, "Yeah, sure", and off they go. | 0:25:49 | 0:25:52 | |
As long as you've got a bum bag, you'll be fine. | 0:25:52 | 0:25:54 | |
-Yeah. -You don't need to know. -Come back and you're bankrupt. | 0:25:54 | 0:25:57 | |
I hate it. I hate it in films and particularly dramas, | 0:25:57 | 0:26:00 | |
where people say, you know, "We need to meet", | 0:26:00 | 0:26:03 | |
and they go, "Where?" | 0:26:03 | 0:26:05 | |
And they... They immediately know the exact location. | 0:26:05 | 0:26:08 | |
"Where shall we meet?" "Corner of La Jolla, sunset, one hour. | 0:26:08 | 0:26:12 | |
"Come alone." Right, how can you think that fast? | 0:26:12 | 0:26:14 | |
I can't think that fast. | 0:26:14 | 0:26:16 | |
If I say to you, "I'll meet you in an hour, erm, but I don't know... | 0:26:16 | 0:26:19 | |
"behind Marks & Spencer's... Erm... | 0:26:19 | 0:26:23 | |
"Opposite the cashpoint, where the launderette used to be. | 0:26:23 | 0:26:26 | |
"I don't know!" | 0:26:26 | 0:26:28 | |
The chase, obviously, is the cliche. | 0:26:28 | 0:26:30 | |
Usually, like, through streets and often hitting a fruit stall. | 0:26:30 | 0:26:35 | |
Often, sometimes, a fruit stall that only sells pomegranates. | 0:26:35 | 0:26:39 | |
Are there any such stores? | 0:26:39 | 0:26:40 | |
We've got an example of a chase with a...something I've never seen. | 0:26:40 | 0:26:45 | |
I think this is, even though a chase is a cliche, | 0:26:45 | 0:26:48 | |
this is an original thing, for me. | 0:26:48 | 0:26:50 | |
ELEPHANT TRUMPETS | 0:26:56 | 0:26:57 | |
AUDIENCE LAUGHS | 0:27:00 | 0:27:02 | |
That's brilliant! | 0:27:14 | 0:27:15 | |
That's some serious horse skills, that is. | 0:27:15 | 0:27:18 | |
Do you think they dragged it through on a cable? | 0:27:18 | 0:27:21 | |
I'd like to think it was... You know when mechanics go under your car | 0:27:21 | 0:27:25 | |
on those sliding...? I like to think the horse was on one of those. | 0:27:25 | 0:27:29 | |
OK, so, the drama cliches, | 0:27:29 | 0:27:32 | |
it is poor and I suppose lazy writing, | 0:27:32 | 0:27:35 | |
but I so love recognising and spotting them... | 0:27:35 | 0:27:39 | |
that I don't want to, I don't want to get rid of them. | 0:27:39 | 0:27:41 | |
The amount of films I've seen saved by a horse slide... | 0:27:41 | 0:27:45 | |
And I was all set to put moths in, because moths have ruined clothes | 0:27:47 | 0:27:51 | |
of mine, and you argued it... | 0:27:51 | 0:27:53 | |
But I love trying on clothes, | 0:27:53 | 0:27:55 | |
but Bill has argued with such darkness and passion | 0:27:55 | 0:28:00 | |
and genuine fervour that I am going to put trying on clothes | 0:28:00 | 0:28:03 | |
-into Room 101. -Yeah! | 0:28:03 | 0:28:05 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:28:05 | 0:28:07 | |
That brings us to the end of the show and well done, Alice, | 0:28:18 | 0:28:22 | |
you were the most persuasive guest so you are this week's winner. | 0:28:22 | 0:28:24 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:28:24 | 0:28:26 | |
Thanks very much to Bill Bailey, Una Stubbs and Alice Levine, | 0:28:28 | 0:28:32 | |
and thank you, goodnight. | 0:28:32 | 0:28:35 |