Episode 8 Russell Howard's Good News Extra

This programme contains some strong language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Thank you very much indeed.

Hello.

Hello. Welcome to my Good News "Best Of" show.

We've covered a lot of stories this series,

and here are some of my favourite ones.

Enjoy!

Is it me, or are Jeremy Paxman's interviews getting too harsh?

You actually are impotent.

LAUGHTER

I tell you what, teaching standards in this country have gone to shit.

Two-plus-two is vagina.

Vagina and vagina.

LAUGHTER

I'm pretty sure it's four.

This is one of my favourite clips of all time.

Check out the advice an old Lady gave Ed Miliband

on how to deal with the Tories.

I know, I know. We've got to do something about them, don't we?

Well, I don't think that's a good idea, but we need to get them out.

We definitely need to get them out. Take care.

And finally, a word of advice, don't blow your nose near a child.

They really don't like it.

CHILD GIGGLES

SOMEONE BLOWS NOSE

Now, you may remember, last week we had the bug that looked like Elvis.

The week before, we had the Hitler house.

CHEERING AND WHOOPING

Incredibly, the papers have come up with another. This week, it's...

a tree that looks like a rock guitarist.

-Do you want to see it? You know you want to.

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

It's brilliant, isn't it?

To be honest, we shouldn't be surprised.

If you look hard enough, most trees look like someone.

Some look like politicians.

Some look like film stars.

And if you look hard enough,

you can even find trees that look like Katie Price.

LAUGHTER

Sometimes I truly love the news in this country.

Have a look at the major crimewave that swept through Norwich.

Donkeys at a sanctuary in Norwich

have had more reason than usual to be downhearted.

Their favourite toys were recently stolen.

Forget the recession, someone's stolen a toy from a donkey.

It gets even better - check out what their favourite toys are.

Why are there donkeys playing with space hoppers?

Surely they prefer Buckaroo?

LAUGHTER

Reminds me of Grandad.

I miss him so much.

To be honest, it's little wonder they're upset.

Check out their owner's hat.

So we put an appeal out on the news

to see if anybody has one in their garden shed,

they could kindly donate.

Why has she got our dead brother on her head?

Have you heard the latest news about the Liberals?

A company in Suffolk have planned a musical about Nick Clegg.

Apparently they're going to call it Clegg - The Musical.

Surely they should have gone for

Nick And His Amazing Technicolour Bullshit.

I was so excited by this, I couldn't wait.

So, I've decided to write my own version.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Whatever you're doing, stop!

You are about to have your mind blown to smithereens.

This is one of the most amazing news stories I've ever seen.

Take a look at this giant egg from a farm in southeastern Iowa.

The egg came from a chicken named Aussie,

and it measures more than three inches long

and weighs more than four ounces.

Look how it compares with a normal egg.

Holy shit! Are you getting this?

Look at the size of that egg!

You're probably thinking, and quite rightly, how did this make the news?

I reckon it's because it was found by Cletus off the Simpsons.

"I was trembling.

"It was the biggest egg I'd ever seen.

"I knew something was up because the chicken was all like..."

So, did he keep this discovery to himself?

I love him. He took his egg and showed it to complete strangers.

"Mr Fireman, look at this egg!

"Mr Mayor, we've got to celebrate.

"We should call today... I don't know, Big Egg Day, or some shit."

'As for Aussie, he says she took a week off before laying her next egg.'

"She had to, her ass looked like a yawning hippo."

LAUGHTER

Here's a headline I never thought I'd see...

A bloke from Melbourne has been attaching a parrot

to his windscreen wipers and taking him for a drive.

-Do you want to see the parrot in action?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

'One of the videos was shot in a Melbourne backstreet.'

Hey, go Angus!

Good boy, mate!

"I love it out here,

"the wind blowing through my feathers.

"You know, I don't think I've ever been happier."

'Another, this one, at around 100 kilometres an hour

'in the breakdown lane of a busy Melbourne freeway.'

"Fuuuck!

"STOP THE CAR!

"STOP THE FUCKING CAR!"

Poor parrot!

"Who's a pretty boy then?" "Not me, I've got flies in me teeth!"

"Beak, not teeth. I haven't actually...

"I haven't actually got any teeth...

"I'm a parrot."

I'd do the next joke if I were you, Russ,

you look like a dick on national telly.

The bloke is an absolute moron. Look what he gets angry about.

I'm sick of people looking at me and laughing as I'm driving down the street.

Well, don't Sellotape a parrot to your car then!

As you can imagine, the authorities want this to stop.

'And you're telling people it'll stop?'

No, I won't say it'll stop. I'm going to think about it.

"Yeah, I'm going to think about it.

"But then, in fairness, I said I'd think about going to the dentist."

To be honest, the parrot should count himself lucky.

There are worse cars to be attached to.

# It's Friday, Friday

# Gotta get down on Friday

# Everybody's looking forward To the weekend, weekend... #

HE MIMES ALONG TO SONG

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Blimey, look at the latest thing

the Chinese government have banned...

Just when you thought that the Chinese censors

couldn't get any more sensitive,

the authorities here have decided to ban time travel

from all television programmes.

Their version of Doctor Who is going to be shit.

LAUGHTER

"Let's get the Daleks!" "I can't." "Someone's clamped the TARDIS."

So, why are China doing this?

Madness. It'd be great to rewrite history.

If I could travel back in time,

I would prevent the world's greatest evil.

Mr and Mrs Bieber!

For the sake of humanity, use this condom.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

We don't want you having a baby.

-BOTH: Baby?

-Baby.

BOTH: Oh.

Look at the latest drug craze sweeping America.

Young people have reportedly been snorting or smoking

common bath salts

in an attempt to get high.

How does it work?

Are there kids just walking up and down,

"Yo, man, got any Radox?"

Just getting in the bath, "Oh, I feel so rejuvenated!"

I tell you what, I would not fancy tripping in the bath.

Stop it! Stop it!

Look at you, having a bath, talking to a duck.

You used to be on Mock The Week!

Too freaky!

HE GASPS

Look at the size of my egg!

Aaargh!

Did anyone else see that old bloke talking about vajazzling?

If it's groomed and quite smart,

then it can be quite...enhancing.

But if it's a mess, you think, "Yuck".

I mean, what's it got inside there?

Did anyone else hear that bloke get his cock out, mid-interview?

We're not royalists...

ZIP! ..simple.

And finally, I think this guy's in love with David Cameron.

It's a system so unfair...

# I want to know what love is

# I want you to show me

# I want to feel what love is... #

What an incredible week of news.

First, you couldn't have missed this...

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge show their love to each other

and the world.

Married in Westminster Abbey with friends,

family and dignitaries from across the globe.

It was a wonderful day. Two people in love, the sun was shining,

we got a day off.

As ever, the British public were very reserved.

-Oh, look at William looking at her. Look.

-It's magical!

It is absolutely magical!

-I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

-Beautiful.

I am speechless. Speechless.

CHEERING

Kate! William!

I love that. One minute she's speechless, next minute,

"Aaaaah!"

It wasn't just the public, even the police got into the party spirit.

CROWD CHEERS

CROWD CHEERS

CROWD CHEERS

Mind you, it wasn't hard to get them going.

The crowd cheered anything from the weather to a road sweeper.

There's a 10% chance of a shower during the service itself...

CHEERING

CROWD CHEERS

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-"Hooray!

"It's like a car AND a Hoover."

LAUGHTER

It's great, innit?

Mind you, that was nothing compared to the moment Chris Hollins

was accidentally racist.

Have we had a super day today?

-CROWD CHEERS

-I've had a great day, thank you.

-Are you going home?

-No.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Did anyone else notice the Queen didn't join in

when they sang the national anthem?

I reckon it's because she's so bored of it.

She's probably there, going,

"Oh! If I had a pound for every time they played that song.

"Oh, I do!

"Nice one!"

I bet she makes up lyrics in her head.

# I'm missing Bargain Hunt

# What shall I have for lunch?

# Maybe some chips

# Doo-doo-doo-doo

# Who would I rather be?

# SpongeBob or Mr T?

# I want a butler space monkey

# Cos I'm the Queen. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Now, this is the part of the show

I genuinely don't know anything about.

There's a mystery guest who's been in the news and I have to figure out who it is.

So, please welcome my mystery guest!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

LAUGHTER

-Welcome.

-Hello.

-I'm guessing your name's Jackie.

That's me. Big Jackie.

So, Big Jackie...

If I close my eyes, it sounds like I'm on a chat line.

Hello, is that Big Jackie?

666 9595.

Mum, are you on the line?

Are you a ninja or something?

Why did you say that?

Because you threatened to beat me up.

Have I given the secret away?

I don't know!

I'm nervous of the next question in case I ask the wrong one and you knock me out.

-I can easily do that.

-OK.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

My name's Sam Sam the Bubble Man.

Sam Sam the Bubble Man.

And I'm seven times Guinness World Record-holding bubbleologist.

Bubbleologist?

When I think of bubbles, I think of being five and just having...

Remember those ones, just like that, and just going, "Aaah".

I'm not going to hold it. Look, it's terrifying.

Will somebody have a go for me?

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

-Do you want to have a go? You pretend to be me.

-OK.

-Sweet.

What's that?!

What the fuck is this?

What's that?! I've never done that!

With a little bit of polish, we...

# We can make it through tonight... #

Russell, you never know, you might. There are princesses available, Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie.

We might have the wedding of Princess Beatrice and Russell Howard.

I've met her. My brother offered her Vaseline.

No, no, no. Sorry. He did it the correct way.

Open, twist, move.

It was before the London Marathon and you chafe terribly

and he went, "Would you like some?"

And she... actually, she was very, "Da, da, da, da, da-da, da-da-da-da".

Lovely(!) That's one for dinner parties.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This is the way we do it for Guinness.

And if you want to get lots of bubbles in a bubble.

Now I'm going to get you to catch a bubble on top.

-OK.

-Catch your bubble. Watch my lips.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm going to be showing you some of the things I teach, which is self defence.

-Now, I won't throw you about like jujitsu because you wouldn't know how to fall, would you?

-No.

-So...

-Come over here. I'm going to get beaten up.

Right. Grab here again.

We're not really meant to do this, but...

-So grab there.

-Yeah.

-Oh, no!

Strike!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ooh, let's get it off.

I don't like that dress anyway.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We know what's happening - I'm getting beaten up again.

-Have you ever arm wrestled before?

-I'm getting beaten up yet again.

Oh, the imagination of my production team(!)

"He should get beaten up again!"

I'll show you a few techniques.

Just punch me in the face.

Why do we have to fight? Can we not cuddle?

Just sit down.

-You sit down.

-I don't want to be a sumo wrestler!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'll just pull you around.

You'll be all right!

Stop it!

Oh, stop it, you naughty boy!

Stop it!

-First technique...

-You smell lovely.

-Thank you.

-Aaah! Yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You left me there longer than you had to.

But you're such a nice boy.

-Well, we could try to put YOU in a bubble.

-We could do, yeah.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK. Admit it, it's got to be better than being beaten up my random women.

Yes, it is. Absolutely.

It'd be lovely if I died in this bubble, eh?

So what we're going to do to try and make it big is, I want you to stand a little bit to your left.

You're bigger than I thought, you know.

By the way, you can also make bubbles with your hands.

Just put me in a fucking bubble.

APPLAUSE

Here we go. On the count of three. One, two, three.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You've been wonderful.

You'll always remember me, won't you?

Yeah. Every time I see a lollipop lady, I'll go like that.

HE SCREAMS

I'll go round! I'll go round.

She's mental!

-But I'll always remember you.

-Can I go now?

-Of course you can.

We're going to give you a round of applause and then you can run back.

Ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ena the Warrior Princess!

Mystery guest!

Sam Sam the Bubble Man!

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for our mystery guest.

Every series we do, we have to cut out a lot of stories from the show.

Here are a few of those unseen bits. Hope you enjoy.

I'll tell you a secret. Two of my friends are here

and I looked over to them and one of them was laid down there

and the other was going like that.

Trying to concentrate and your mates are there going...

Have a look at a novel way prisoners in America are getting high.

Three inmates in New Jersey tonight charged in a clever scheme.

They are accused of using children's colouring books to smuggle drugs into the prison.

Basically, they rub drugs onto kids drawings.

Much of these colourings on these sheets is actually a narcotic called suboxone. It's made into paste,

thinned to look like paint, then smeared on drawings

that are sent to inmates who can lick the substance to get high.

I'd love to have seen that in The Shawshank Redemption.

"I remember the first time I saw Andy. He was licking a drawing of Daffy Duck.

"I was off my tits sucking Scooby Doo."

That sounded weirder than I meant it to.

It's madness, isn't it?

Getting high while staring at kids' cartoons, that'd be terrifying.

What if you were on a bad trip?

Hi, Russell!

PONY LAUGHS

Hello!

PONY SCREAMS

I told you not to leave Mock The Week.

HE SCREAMS

Have you seen the latest doll hitting the shelves?

It's called the Breast Milk Baby,

and the toy company's video demonstration on its website

shows how it works.

Now, its website says the doll is designed

to teach little girls how to breastfeed.

Breastfeeding baby?

A doll that teaches you how to breastfeed?

Cos that's what you need to know when you're five.

Why not go the whole hog and just get a doll that hands out sex tips?

The kid pulls a cord and it says, "When you're giving a blow job, play with his balls".

Mum! Mum, Barbie's gone weird!

Mind you, there are worse children's toys.

That's ET's finger.

LAUGHTER

I must have missed that bit of the film.

"Elliot. Elliot, I'm not ready to go home yet".

"Nobody's going to believe you in the morning".

"The alien. Where's the alien? He's gone!"

It's so hard reading in autocue cos my lazy eye's like,

"I want to go over there".

APPLAUSE

Horrible, right?

There you go.

-WOMAN:

-Can you sign it?

-Can I sign it?

-Please.

It's probably voodoo and you're like, "Ha ha ha. Ha-ha. Da-ha-ha."

How weird is this?

For the people at home, what's happened, during my show,

a young lady has turned up and started knitting, right?

Already fairly weird. She's a young woman.

"In case it's crap, I'll knit."

She said she was going to knit this. Presumably it started out as Prince William.

No, Kate Middleton's head! >

It was meant to be Kate Middleton, but instead...

we have me.

But I've fallen on such hard times, I can no longer afford shoes.

Over in Siberia, there's been a major discovery.

Two students found the creature. They even recorded a video.

Well, it looks like Elliot's dad kicked the shit out of ET.

It was pretty amazing. Everyone thought they'd discovered an alien,

then some scientists turned up and found this out.

The students were taking the piss. Isn't that great?

"Did you pass your degree?"

"No, I made ET out of toast."

Do you reckon this happens a lot in Russia?

"Oh, look - Bigfoot. Oh, no, is Scotch egg."

The bread alien isn't the only UFO story in the news.

There's a bloke in America who wants to build a place for aliens to park their ships.

And as you can imagine, oh, he's completely normal(!)

He goes by UFO Phil and he's a...

Scientist of sorts,

alien translator...

And a pretty amazing bullshitter.

Listen to why he reckons the aliens haven't visited.

They're up there now and they would love to come down. They have no docking stations here.

They're not coming, they've got no docking stations.

Like there's aliens going, "I would visit Earth, but the parking is a nightmare.

"And don't get me started on the congestion charge!"

Then again maybe I'm the fool. I mean, UFO Phil has actually met them.

-He will be the leader of the good aliens.

-OK.

-Zaxon with a Z.

-Is he actually blue?

-Oh, yes.

I would not take artistic liberties with Zaxon.

"I would not take artistic liberties with Zaxon!

"Can you imagine him calling me up?

" 'Hey, Phil, you bitch, you made me look fat.'

"OMG! I'm so sorry, Zaxon.

"You're not fat, you're cuddly."

So You're probably thinking the locals must think this guy is a nutter.

Guess again. Some of them want to work at the docking station.

Aim for the stars, mate.

"Wow, aliens we can learn more about their culture."

"Yeah, and I can wash their fucking cars."

Not everyone is in love like Wills and Kate. Some of you may need this.

Do you ever wish you could make an ex jealous on Facebook

or fool your friends into thinking

you're in a happy relationship? Well, now you can.

A new service called Cloud Girlfriend helps guys who aren't ready to admit

that they're single.

It allows users to create the perfect girlfriend

who will post on their wall and make all other social media moves

so it seems like the guy really does have a girlfriend.

Basically, this is for depressed blokes who've been dumped.

The trouble is, what if you get spotted out?

"All right, Bob?

"It says on Facebook you're having a romantic meal with your girlfriend.

"So why are you outside crying in your pants?"

Or even worse, what if you commit suicide and the programme carries on?

Your mate's going, "You know Bob died?

"Yeah, well, his girlfriend is a sick bitch!

"On his wall, capital letters, 'Just gave Bob the best blow job ever.'

"What's wrong with her? He's been dead three weeks."

to be honest, it'd be easy to tell which posts are fake

because their girlfriend will be stupidly nice on his wall.

"You're amazing. I love you so much."

Real couples aren't like that,

real couples are like this.

This one's even better, right?

It's Saturday night, which means it's time for my stand-up guest,

so, ladies and gentlemen, please go wild and crazy for the brilliant Mr Jason Cook!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Oh, what a wonderful welcome. Hello!

-AUDIENCE:

-Hello!

-Are you well?

-Yes!

-Excellent, excellent.

I'm going to talk about fear a little bit tonight.

People say this is a scary job. It can be. It really can be.

Fear is a wonderful thing. I did a show about fear.

One of the biggest fears we have is spiders. Who's afraid of spiders?

Usually the most popular one.

I asked this in a show once. I said to a guy, are you afraid of spiders?

He was the campest guy I've ever met in my life.

I don't mind saying "camp". Camp's a wonderful thing.

I am a camp man. I'm a straight man, but I can do this...

You want jazz hands?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Jazz hands difficult to do, my big friend, of course,

a man of your size - perhaps spirit fingers.

LAUGHTER

This guy put his hand up, I said, "Are you afraid of spiders?"

And he went, "Yes...but no."

LAUGHTER

I said, "It's an either/or question. You either are or you're not."

This is exactly what he said,

"Spiders I don't mind, but daddy longlegs can fuck off."

LAUGHTER

I said, "Why can daddy longlegs fuck off?"

He said, "Because they have no concept of personal space."

This job can be scary. I do this job all over the world.

I was doing a gig in Glasgow, I said, "What's the perfect word in a Glasgow accent?"

This voice in the darkness went, "Murder."

LAUGHTER

I like this show, it's one of my favourite TV shows.

We live in scary times. Fear all around us.

You switch on the television these days and it basically says, "Don't leave the house."

You switch on the news, it goes, "Don't leave the house."

"Why not?" "Bird flu infected asylum seekers are coming over to force feed junk food to our children

"to make some giant obesity crisis. The kids will get so fat they'll sit on the buses,

"the buses will use more petrol we can't pay for what with the credit crunch.

"The sea levels will rise, the ozone layer's knackered, we're all going to die!"

"I want to go outside, I want to go outside!"

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Yeah!

"I want to go outside!" "You can't go outside." "Why not?"

"Because you'll get stabbed by an urban fox in a fucking hoody."

I was in Amsterdam doing some shows. Who's been to Amsterdam, by cheer?

WHOOPING Excellent.

Did anyone get the ferry? By cheer. CHEERING

Oh, get the ferry from Newcastle. It's incredible. The overnight ferry.

It's the pikiest pirate ship that's ever sailed the seven seas.

It could sink and you could make life-rafts out of shell suits. It's incredible.

I was in Amsterdam and Dutch comics don't talk to the audience.

What they do is they do their jokes and leave. They go home, that's it.

I like to mess around with the crowd, I asked them what they did, what their names were.

They were a bit taken aback, then they got into it.

I asked one guy what his name was and he took my legs out by just giving me his life.

This is my advice, if you're at a comedy club, give the compere your life.

I said, "My friend, what's your name?"

He went, "My name is John. I am an architect, but I'm not very good at it.

"This is my wife, she is called Anna. Our marriage is in trouble and I did not want to come here tonight."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Then...he said, "Is that enough to be getting on with?"

I had nothing. I had nothing at all!

So it is wonderful to be here.

People are too cynical, I think. Don't you think?

I'm a Geordie. Any Geordies in?

A WHOOP One Geordie girl? Excellent, we've got a fight on after. Way!

I grew up in Newcastle. Newcastle's a scary town, it is.

Have you ever been to Newcastle? Go for a night out there, it's incredible.

I was there when the snow came before Christmas.

Two feet deep in snow and everyone was just going on as normal.

Just enormous blokes striding through the snow in gossamer-thin T-shirts,

punching the snowflakes in front of them, "Hawhey, Mr Snoooo-flake!

"Think you're cold, do ya?"

And big herds of Geordie women - have you ever seen a herd of Geordie women in action?

Wearing one bit of dental floss. "That's all I need!"

If they bend over it looks like ham having an argument. Have you ever seen that?

Travelling in packs, big packs of them.

HE SNORTS

Beautiful it is. Land of the corned beef leg, ever seen a good corned beef leg?

Oh, they're just standing in chip shops, shaving each other's backs.

HE SNORTS

Beautiful, they're beautiful.

All right. The best job I ever had from an audience member, I was in Sheffield.

I said, "What do you do?" WHOOPING

Oh, people from Sheffield! That sounded like pixies from Sheffield.

"It's us, we're here. Jazz hands!"

Good place, man. Best job I ever had - I said to a guy, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a ventriloquist." Right?

He had a business card, he did some for us. It was incredible, he was.

Eventually I said to him, "Have you ever used your ventriloquism skills,

"like, inappropriately?" He just looked at the floor and refused to answer any more questions.

Then when his wife stood up and went, "Go on, tell them what you did."

LAUGHTER

What he said next stopped the gig.

We have a term in comedy called gig-stoppers.

It's when something random happens in the crowd. It's a human moment.

You can never beat it on stage.

I'll give you an example. At the Edinburgh Festival two years ago,

I had a German guy in the front row. Any German people in?

WHOOPS Oh, really?

At a comedy show? Interesting. Hmm.

LAUGHTER

Not really the comedy show I thought I would find you at.

GERMAN ACCENT: "How can the news be good?"

LAUGHTER "It is unalterable fact, that is all it is."

This German guy again took the legs out from under me.

He stopped the gig. He was called Stefan, I'll never forget him.

I said, "We're in the world's biggest arts festival, are you enjoying the festival so far?"

Best German answer ever. He just looked at me and went,

"Well, we're about to find out, aren't we?"

LAUGHTER

That's a lot of pressure, isn't it?

At the end of the show, I'd involved him quite a lot, I said,

"Did you have a good time?"

Do you know what he said? "I'm satisfied."

You're a good crowd. That was two years ago that happened.

I've told that story all over the world, it's one of my favourites.

At the Edinburgh Festival this year, the first show of my run, the first story I told was that story.

I got to the end of it and a little voice at the back of the room went,

"I'm ba-ack!"

LAUGHTER

It was him. It was Stefan, he'd come back.

I thought, "I'm leaving him alone, I'm not going to talk to him. He'll get me again."

So we did the show, it was great energy, everyone had a good time.

Towards the end of the show, my ego started going, "Ask him.

"Ask him if he likes you. You've got to ask him, he's come for the second year running."

So I did and he got me again, ladies and gentlemen.

I said, "Stefan, what did you think of it this year?"

Do you know what he said? "It's of a similar standard."

LAUGHTER

The ventriloquist stopped the gig in a totally different way.

If you don't think what happened was funny, imagine the atmosphere when he said it.

This is totally true, may God strike me down.

This was the weirdest thing that's ever happened to me at a gig.

When the wife had said, "Tell them what you did," we all thought he'd done a sex thing in the bedroom.

Like any man in here, I don't care how mature you believe yourself to be,

if you could do ventriloquism, you'd make your willy talk every day.

LAUGHTER

It's not big, it's not clever, you just know you'd do it.

You'd run up to your girlfriend going, "Kiss me, I'm the happy snake!"

LAUGHTER

But it wasn't that, it was something so much darker.

I went, "Come on, you've got to tell us,

"when did you use your ventriloquism skills inappropriately?"

That's when he looked at the floor, pointed at his wife and said,

"At her dad's funeral."

LAUGHTER

Now, I'm on stage when this is happening.

I'm freaking out, I'm freaking out.

"What'll I do? I'll just keep asking questions, that's all I can do."

I said, "It wasn't the old classic, was it?" He went, "Yeah,

"I don't want to be in the box, let me out of the box!"

LAUGHTER

Your job, that's an important thing.

That's what you'll get asked in a comedy club.

I'll ask the audience what they think the best job in the world is.

Can anyone suggest a job? If you could do anything in the world, what would you do?

My job?

Hang on, what was that again?

< Penis model!

Penis model.

LAUGHTER

MAN CHEERS

Well...

to be honest, you look like a cock from here.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Penis model!

LAUGHTER

Do the walk, do the walk.

Anybody else? I like the suggestions.

-WOMAN:

-Ninja!

-Ninja! That was...

I've got some enemies, I've got some issues. Yeah, ninja. You like me now, Dad?

The best answer I've had so far was in Newcastle,

I said, "What's the best job in the world?" And this really dour Geordie bloke went,

"Bomb disposal expert."

LAUGHTER

I said, "Why is that?" His answer was brilliant. He said,

"Well, you know, if you think about it,

"you never truly know if you have a bad day, do you?"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Before I go, I'll give you a joke you can take away with you.

Do you want a joke to take away, something you can do at home?

This is brilliant. This is a couples thing to do late at night when you're in bed with your loved one,

your wife, your girlfriend, the one the agency sent.

LAUGHTER

This is it, I'm lying in bed with my Claire, and it's absolutely pitch black.

You know when something's so dark and so quiet you can almost reach out and touch it?

You know that little voice we all have,

you know the one that lives in the back of your head, that goes,

"How funny would it be..."

LAUGHTER

I'm lying there with Claire, the voice went,

"I've thought of the funniest thing ever...

"We'll talk about this for years to come!"

Try this, I just tensed up, held her really close and whispered in her ear

"Shit!

"Did you just hear that noise downstairs?"

LAUGHTER

Claire went, "Jason, Jason! What is it? What is it?"

The voice went, "We've got her!"

LAUGHTER

"Do it again!"

So I did it again, I went, "Claire, there's someone in the house."

Claire went, "Jason, no, no, no!" I'll be honest with all of you,

I got carried away, I was having too much fun.

I thought, "If we're going to do this, we'll do it properly or not at all."

So I went for it, I really went for it. I went,

"Claire, there's someone in the house, a murderer, he's coming upstairs, he'll kill us both."

And she punched me in the face.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, I'm sitting on the end of the bed with a sore face,

thinking, "Claire's annoyed, we've established that much."

I'll go to the bathroom and let her chill out for a few minutes.

I go to the bathroom and while I'm in there I think of hilarious prank number two.

LAUGHTER

Which, to this day, only one of us calls "hilarious prank number two".

I came back and got back into bed with Claire, still absolutely pitch black,

held onto her really tightly, and Claire said,

"Well, I hope you've calmed down."

So I didn't say anything.

LAUGHTER

HE CHUCKLES

And she went, "Jason!"

So I didn't say anything.

Then she went, "JASON!"

That's when I couldn't help myself and I whispered in her ear,

"Jason's still in the toilet."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Try it, honestly, try it. It is such a good laugh. It is.

You won't have sex for a long time.

People say it's hard being a stand-up comedian, this is what it's like,

I was doing a show up north, where I live, in Newcastle.

I got a taxi there, it was about a 40-minute taxi ride,

I got in and it was one of those taxi drivers you have all over the world,

you get in and the taxi driver is just massive.

It looks like he's driving a little clown car, like that.

Like when God was handing out necks, he went, "Nah, I don't need a neck.

"Just a fold of fat at the back of my massive head will do."

The kind of cab where you open the door and you can smell racism. Do you know what I mean?

How can it be a hate crime when I fucking love it?

LAUGHTER

He said, "What do you do?" I said I was a comedian and he said, "Are you funny?"

I said, "Well, I'd like to think so." It's not something you ask, you don't say to a doctor, "Can you heal?"

He said, "On telly? You been on telly?"

And I said, "No, no."

And he went, "Well, you're not fucking funny then, are you?"

So I'd just like to look down the camera and say,

if this gets on telly, if you're watching this, you bigoted fucking taxi driver,

guess who's fucking funny now! CHEERING

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gents, thanks for having me, good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Jason Cook!

Thank you very much for watching Good News.

Have a wonderful Saturday night. Farewell, my friends.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]