Episode 1 Russell Howard's Good News Extra

Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Hello and welcome to

Good News. Probably the biggest story of the summer, sexual icon,

John Holmes, can make womens or gassism just by saying their name -

org asam, just by saying their name. Hello. Oh. If you want to make

someone interrupt on the news, this is how you do it? (man barks)

A human, who makes an animal noise, if only there was an animal who

makes human noises. Perhaps a cat who could say no. No, no, no, no.

And finally f you report from a windy pier, you get what you

deserve. But if there is a big wave I will step out slightly! The big

news this week was all about Colonel Gaddafi. The end of a

dictator. It has been a landmark day for the people of Libya.

Ifrpblgt it was announced that the dictator who terrorised the Libyan

people. For four decades. Was found hiding in a drainage pipe.

found shot dead in his home in Sirte. It might be just me, but the

Libyan people didn't seem that bothered.

Everybody happy now. Libya. Even the cars were dancing.

It was insane, one bloke turned up with the FA Cup! Everyone was happy,

I say everyone, I bet pigeons in Libya were terrified. Stop shooting

at us! We hated him too. Jesus Christ! I mean, Allah, I'm Libyan.

Did you see what the rebels found on Gaddafi? The prize find is

proudly shown off here, as fighters parade through the streets with it.

The former leader's golden gun. man with the golden gun, more like

the man with the melty face. Apparently his final words were

"don't shoot". I think he missed a trick, he had done so many bad

things, he could have used the final moment for doing something

good. It would be great if the final words could have been "I'm

just the puppet, the real master is...Justin Bieber". He dies

tonight! It would have been a lovely moment.

One of the main talking points about the whole story was how

Gaddafi died, some say he was executed, others in cross fireworks

others claim he committed suicide after learning - crossfire, others

claim he committed suicide after learning this news. The Irish

boyfriend, Westlife is breaking up. No, everybody's looking for that

something. Goodbye cruel world. David Cameron and Barack Obama both

issued statements addressing Gaddafi's death. Today is a day to

remember all of Colonel Gaddafi's victims. This marks the end of a

long and painful chapter for the people of Libya. Italian bunga

bunga Lord, Silvio Berlusconi, not as fussed. He was too busy texts

Hillary Clinton a photo of his penis. Wow! Plenty more where that

came from. Back in Britain, it was all kicking

off at farm in Basildon. Police and bailiffs are now in almost total

control of Dale Farm, after storming the illegal travellers'

site at dawn. There were violent clashes as bricks and other

missiles were thrown, and the police responded with Tasers.

what headline did the Sun go with: Thanks Sun. What kind of

sophisticated did the protestors use. Something to get the public on

their side, not really. "they dropped their pants to urinate on

officers." Dave, I done a wee on a policeman,

I'm like Gandhi. One lady turned up with a crucifix. Who brings a

crucifix to a protest. The police are not vampires. She's a long time

activist, do you know what her name is, she's called Minty Chalice. It

sounds like something Boris Johnson calls a have a giennafplt did

anyone see the protestors on the skaf - vagina. Did anyone see the

protestors on the scaffold. looks like the police have taken

control of the lion's share of Dale Farm. I was thinking where have I

seen that before. Shame on you! Overin Europe it's bad news for

noisy pets. The town of Herson in Ukraine have banned pets from

making noise between 10.00pm, and 8.00am. This is great news for

burglars. Some dog, what is it boy? I don't know what you're on about.

What is it? The bloke comes down in the morning, oh we've been burgled.

Not only, that they have done a shit on the floor! It wasn't me, it

was the burglars. It isn't just dogs they are

clamping down on. The new law doesn't just apply to cats and dogs,

goats, cows and pigs will get the owners into trouble. Who the fuck

has a pet cow, people watching the X Factor next door with the bullock,

I agree, Frankie does look like he's got crabs.

Why stop pets were making noise, if you are going to silence any animal

at night, it should be foxes. Have you ever heard them make love?

Ahhhhhh. It is terrifying. Pets aren't like that. If you ban pets

from making noise, you will miss out on dogs that sound like this.

(giggles) Don't get rid of that. And goats, lovely goats, that sound

a little bit broken. (weak bleat) Don't get rid of those noises.

From the Ukraine to Egypt, and an insane story about a bloke who

resembles a dead man. An Egyptian man shares an unfortunate doppleg

ane, executed Iraqi dictator, Saddam Hussein. Check this out. You

are thinking that now Saddam is dead, his wife wouldn't be so bad.

He has to deal with people hare ration him on the street for

looking like Saddam Hussein, he has to evade the Iraqi gang trying to

kidnap him and force him to star in their porpb movie. Unbelievable,

nobody sees that coming. Who does that bloke look like, you know what

we can make him do! It is the weirdist kidnap ever. What are the

demands, make love to beautiful women, over and over what do you

think about that? Oh no, better scream for help I suppose.

(quietly) help. No-one's coming, let's drop it like it's hot, who's

your bagdaddy! Saddam Hussein porn. Can you

imagine the trailer. We thought he had weapons of mass destruction.

Turns out he had a weapon of ass destruction. Saddam Hussein is: the

dick-tator. Coming soon. Over to America, a report about a

woman who attacked police in a rather unusual manner. When

deputies arrived, Robin was already in the back seat of her car. She

cursed at detectives when they tried to get her out, then sprayed

them with bodily fluids. Bodily fluids. She pulled out one of her

breasts and started milking and spraying breast milk towards the

officers. No, no, no, no. Spraying breast milk. It is like it

filthy Super Soaker. What happened to this grubby criminal? They kept

talking to her and were finally able to take her out of the car,

cuff her and take her to jail. got her out of the car, not before

they had this amazing conversation. It is my American right. Go ask my

fucking husband. Swearing and calling the officer racist. Why am

I being racist? Oh, because I'm a female. You're racist because I'm

female, and you're sexist because I'm a blackman.

What I don't understand about this story, why is she attacking the

police, she clearly has talented boobs. She should use her powers

Finish him off, period girl. No - oooooo.

The biggest sports story of the week was this. Football, Manchester

United suffered a humiliating 6-1 thrashing at the hands of local

rivals, Manchester City. It was United's heaviest home defeat in

Premier League history. 6-1. I haven't seen a pounding like that

since I watched that Saddam porn! The game was incredible, I will be

honest, the thing that really caught my eye, what did Man City's

crazy striker, Mario Balotelli, do the night before the game. Did he

go to bed early, or have a camomile team. Mario Balotelli has escaped

unharmed after setting his house on fire after letting fireworks off in

his bathroom. He let fireworks off in his bathroom, what was he doing,

celebrating a shit. That was a really good one, light the

Catherine wheel, let's do this. Apparently firemen were at his

house until 3.00am. Anyone thinking what I'm thinking, fire in the

bathroom, turn the fucking shower on. What happened to Balotelli

after the fire? Did he get fined by his club, cautioned by the police?

Not really. He's now, would you believe, the face of a regional

firework safety campaign. Have you seen what we're doing with our

bins? The life of a litter bin must sometimes be a lonely one. There is

now a new weapon in the war on waste. It may look like an ordinary

bin, this one has plenty to say for itself. Hello. Hello. Just want to

to say thanks for the rubbish. just wanted to say, this is

bullshit. Why am I spending money on bins that say thank you. Are

bins saying I'll only stop littering if the bin is nice to me.

Next you will be telling me I can't piss on a policeman. Don't give

bins voices. How depressing would it be to hear the dog muck bin. No,

no, please no. Oh God alive! Has anybody got a mint?

In case some of you are interested, they don't just say thank you.

sing, they talk, and sometimes even burp. (belch sound) If you want a

noise that will help people put rubbish in a bin. Do the noise

again, it is the best thing I have heard. If you heard that every time

you put something in a bin, Britain would be cleaner than a nun's hard

drive. It isn't just burping, celebrities are voicing so much of

the bins. Amanda Holden, Michael Palin and others are volunteering

their voices. If you use a celebrity, surely you use this guy.

That would be the angriest bin ever. Nobody would drop a litter if he

said this. Fuck you shit, up your arse, you fucking boring, fucking,

fuck off you cow. All right, I'll put it in the bin,

sorry Brian, that bin has a real temper.

Now next up let's meet a guy with an unusual companion. Usually it is

a dog that's a man's best friend. For Barry, it doesn't walk on four

paws, it waddles on two webbed feet. His best friend is a duck named

Star. Don't ahhhh, stop it he's best mates with a duck. He has just

put bread in his socks. He won't leave me aown? Because you're

covered in Hovis. Look where else they go? Down the shops or ducking

into the pub for a pint. A duck in a pub, he must get soic sick of the

jokes. Who is paying the bill? Very good. Do you want cheese and

crackers? Yeah, yeah. Who's your wingman? Fuck off Brian, no wonder

your wife left! I hate you Brian. I fucking hate

you. For me it's madness. Don't choose a

duck, if you're going to be best friends with any animal, it would

have to be this guy! Look at his face. Kill me.

Moving along, have a look at this shocking tale about prejudice.

the world's largest sperm bank is saying thanks but no thanks to one

pool of potential donor, people with red hair.

Isn't it shocking. Don't applaud! Don't applaud! It's horrible.

Ginger people aren't allowed to donate sperm. How unfair is that.

Do you reckon they will protest. They have got sperm, you've got

money, let us in. What I want to know, how do you

identify ginger sperm, can you tell under a microscope.

It is such a ridiculous idea, listen to the reason they are

banning the red-redded friend. Given the choice the majority of

women would prefer a child with more common blonde or dark hair.

Like hair is the only indicator of beauty this lady, or Jodie Marsh.

She has brown hair, but she looks like a Toblerone. Perhaps the worst

worrying part of the story is this. This ginger rejection comes as some

geneticist predict natural redheads could become extinct within 100

years. This is awful. Do you think soon people will be watching

programmes like this. Moving on, it has been a worrying

discovery for women. Do you see this, working women look their best

for just two hours and 22 minutes. A study found the beautifully

styled hairdo and fully made up face is history by precisely

10.03am. So basically, girls, you can do whatever you want to look

pretty, but at 10.03 in the morning, it will all fade. To be honest, I

Apology for the loss of subtitles for 40 seconds

Hey, how are you doing. How are you Ahhhh, ha ha. What's happened!

This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about,

there will be a mystery guest who has been in the news, I have to

figure out who that person is. It does scream sex offender,

doesn't it. I will make my way gingerly. It may be a little bit

weirder than usual. Hello. Hiya. Can I have my ball back! What are

you doing in a hedge? Very rare you get to start an interview like that.

That be the correct opening the question. What are you doing in the

hedge? I spend a lot of time out in my environment, out in rural areas

during the nightime. OK. Are you a keen dogger? Not quite. Presumably

you are looking at nature I imagine in the West Country? I am in the

West Country and spend a lot of time in the rural areas during the

nightime. Without giving too much away. I know who you are. You are

you're the yofl ninja. Yes I am. It's not very often you call

someone a sex offender and they rock up dressed like Darth Maul. So

I'm the Yeovil ninja. And today we're going to get you geared up in

a ninja suit and give you a crash course in becoming a ninja.

I'm absolutely involved now First First of all, why did you become

the Yeovil Ninja? I wanted to know how to move like a ninja in the

shadows in the nightime, as a young boy. I made contact with ninjas,

practitioners from around the world, and learning the arts of ninja out

in the shadows using anything that would benefit me as a ninja today.

Let's do this. One thing we will go through, moving. What we do is keep

our hands close to our chest. You move across, keeping very silent,

aware of your surroundings. What you do, is you put the furthest leg

out, you go down to one knee. Now when you're down on one knee, you

observe your surroundings, smell, sight, use your awareness. There is

people looking at us! I don't think we're in the shadows! No. What we

do is moving as a ninja we move in, bounce, always looking at the next

point of concealment. You are aware, you hear people coming from a

distance. I sometimes use a hearing aid to amplify the sound. Benefit

cheat! We're moving bounce, crossing legs, transfering legs,

I'm getting in your way. Next is the serpent movement. You are down

on your knees. What we do is we might use the dead ground, we are

moving up to a position. You can call that or a serpent, that is

crawling, that is what that is. What do your family think of this?

Are you married? Married with two kids. One is five, I started

teaching her about the shadows at the age of three. They probably

have the serpent thing down quick? He is a natural. Did you spray-

paint his nappy black? Have you got any other skills you can teach me.

I have many different striking techniques. There is pressure

points as well. I fucking hate these ones. Go on. I teach 45

pressure points, pain, unconsciousness and death. Let's

work from the beginning! Just very basic, you have a pressure point.

Just between your collarbone. sound like a pug. Whah. If you grab

me there. I can influence your body by moving through and flipping you

over. In this case I would raise your armpit strike there, it sends

your body into shock, you will collapse, and then the monarchy

swing. Nice. Do you throw in a "ooh-ah". They are basic ones.

one, and the monarchy - the monkey. We all know being a student is

stuff, you can get a degree, but you don't want the massive debts.

These guys have come up with a novel solution. Two graduates have

come up with an unusual solution, by selling advertising on their

face. They set up buymyface.com, people could buy their face for day.

Bizarrely the idea is working. idea is a hit, they have made

�3,500 and they are three weeks in. �3,500 and counting, I liked it so

much, and I found the guys and gave them �100 to do this. No, no, no.

Once I paid them to do that, I had to make them do this. (dog sound)

I had to. This is amazing, you may remember

last series I showed you a story about cystic fibrosis sufferer,

Kirstie Mills, how about this for a fantastic update. Kirstie has

cystic fibrosis. Kirstie's lungs had become so badly damaged in

March this year, doctors told her she had at best two-and-a-half

years left to live. By May they had revised the estimate to six months.

Regardless Kirstie went on to get married, eventhough she spent the

days leading up to her wedding in intensive care. New lungs would

prolong her life, and she was on the transplant waiting list. The

decision after the wedding was to airlift her to the transplant

hospital in London to be available if a donor became available.

Earlier that day my husband and mum had been called in, they knew it

was a matter of hours that I had left. Then it was a surprise that a

pair of lungs became available. They didn't know if I was too I

will at that point to be transplanted. I really didn't have

long left in that day. I was kept on bypass until the lungs arrived.

They were transplanted. No-one can tell you how hard

transplant will be, but no-one can really tell you how good it is once

you get into recovery. And just doing simple things, just feels

amazing, and being able to plan what me and Stuart are going to do

with our future. Beautiful isn't it.

APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, it is

Saturday night, which means it is time for my stand-up guest, it is a

genuine pleasure to bring this next guy on. He's called Steve Williams.

He's absolutely fantastic, he's on tour next year, he is one of the

funnyist blokes I know. Welcome the brilliant Steve Williams.

Hello. This is cool. I have been warned this evening not to swear,

which is difficult. I think swearing it's awesome. You know

like a lot of swear words have no negative information at all, bloody,

is an achievation of three other words, "by your lady", by your lady,

by your lady, bill oddie bloody. As hole, then you pull it out to what

it used to be, Ashley Cole. If you have the right accent you can say

what you like A Welsh accent has an innocence to it, you say anything.

Even stuff as of a sexual nature, dild dough, it doesn't feel like it.

- dildo, it doesn't feel rule, it sound like something on telly,

dildo's on it. Welsh lawyers can get them out, does my client look

like someone who could slap a diabetic with a dildo (in a Welsh

accent) I love the Geordie accent, I never under the furore about her

accent, America saying they can't understand the accent. You say,

it's Geordie, it is not something you are supposed to understand, it

took three series of X Factor before you realised she wasn't

Gazza. The way the Americans do things, alluminium, Steve have you

bed Bern-ard, it's Bernard, Bern- ard is what others do. It is

madness. The Geordie accent is a gift, a gift from the heavens to

the people of the earth. It is an amazing accent, it goes up at the

end. So it sounds happy. It sounds happy, me, I've got cancer (in a

Geordie accent) It has an upward inflection. It is where the powers

that by changed the sexual transmitted disease, STD to sexual

transmitted infection, SDI shepherd's pie, STD, HIV, Andrew

Murray. Negative inflation. That is why Geordie's can say anything they

want and never get in trouble. I saw a guy in the airport carrying

his luggage, his wife said, John, pull it by the handle on the wheels.

And John went, because I'm not some kind of puff. But John wasn't

homophobic, no, because his accent goes up at the end, he was a

character! He can say what he likes, nobody

would be offended. Where are you off John? Me, I'm going date

raping! Because, in truth, the rb I was told not to swaerbgs - the

reason I was told not to swear, it was my wife, she said you don't

have to swear to be funny. It is ridiculous, me having a wife.

Wedding clamp. I didn't want to get married, not my thing. You have to

have a system, have to have a system. I think happy music is

always the letter "l", Laa-Laa la, Laa-Laa la. An evil music is always

the letter "d", da-da, or Darth Vader, da-da-da-da-da-da. Imagine

my feeling when she came into the church going da - da - da - da. The

clutches of evil. It is the greatest mistake you could have

ever made, she's awesome. As a person I'm a shambles. She saved me,

she's like my life jacket. She really is. What I mean, as soon as

I put the ring on my finger, she pulled a chord and went whoa. She

chunked up pretty quick, we thought she was allergic to wedding cake.

Are you all right babe? I can't stop eating it. It is mad, unfair

world, it is all marketing, there is nothing more than marketing,

women get a tough deal. You look around the department stores,

everything is French, Clinique, it is all French, it sounds sexy.

There is no perfume called Cockney, Cockney, Wear it you mum pet.

French is sexy, sexy vocab. English vocabulary up against French,

bakery, bakery, bakery, bouleng arie. Bakery, bakery, bouleng erie,

Greggs. This French it is verbal dressage,

it is made to sound sexy. Croque monsieur, what is what is this

cullinary delight, cheese on toast. It is dressage, we adopt French

words, we take on French words like guillotine, deja vu, menag ae et

troois, we take on French towards because they sound sexy. The French

don't like anglo-words, they don't. They are protectionist with their

language. They are wrong, it is age multiculturalism, we should sneak

one word, every time one of us goes to France we should sneak one word

in, how cool would it be to have two Parisians arguing saying, le

clung e monkey! Language is important, it is the

building blocks of chuencation. I have had arguments - comuen

communecation. I have had arguments about - communecation. I have had

arguments with kids. With kids, you know these kids with shoulders up

and down like a mobile oil pump on the move. On my road they cut

across the street. You see a car coming, and you go oh my God, car

coming down, these guys they slow down, you can't run me down, I'm a

human being. I'm driving a metal car of two tonnes, I think you can

run you over, my problem is I want to, get off the road. It is not

their problem. Some of it is the aattire, their pants are down

behind them, the crotch of their jeans is brejing between their

knees. They probably couldn't move any quicker if they wanted to. They

are probably ThinkBroadbanding they are going to die.

- thinking they are going to die. The kind of people, my granddad

would say put them in the army. Britain has the best army in the

world, we don't fill it with turbo pld plebs. I don't know if you have

- turbo plebs. Have you seen Ross Kemp is on the Taliban fighters,

can you imagine Ross Kemp coming around the corner with the Taliban,

"it's Grant Mitchell" I'm going to shoot him, you don't shoot him,

think, you shoot grant and they send Phil! It is a good idea,

celebrities in the army is a good idea. I'm not talking about the top

celebrities, I'm talking about the slower strata, the Strictly, and

the I'm a celeb - I'm A Celebrity thyme type. The most dangerous time

for soldiers is when they spring up, run to the next position and take

cover again. My mate is a sold yes, he's a Manchunian. I said that's

madness, surely you will be all right, imagine a Manchunian

springing up, are you all right, are you all right, it's a moving

target. You can't hit him, he's moving too fast. That were close,

weren't it. Minor celebrities it could be the answer. Because who

here, in the moment, that dangerous moment for a soldier, when they pop

their head up over the parapet, who here could pull the trigger of the

rifle, who here in that moment would hesitate and go, what's he

been in, what's he from? Ahhh. That's Ann Widdecombe, of course.

It is a good idea. I recently, the argument was, a kid come down my

street, giving it the big one, confidence times a million, threw a

crisp packet on the floor. I said, excuse me mate, I live here, mind

picking it up. He turns to me, confidence times a million, he says,

why, are you my dad or something. I can tell by the look in his eyes

not to force the issue, he clearly doesn't know if I'm his dad or not.

I say, mate, pick it up. He does that thing, he stairs at me, he

stairs at me - stares at me, he's giving me the eyeballs, we all know,

when a bloke stares at another block, it is because they want

violence to ensue. We have all seen it, what are you looking at? What

are you looking at? You are sat there thinking, I was looking at my

meal, having glass of wine with my wife, you stabbed and punched your

way through the club, punched the bouncer and bit that policeman, and

roared like a lion, I have to be honest t kind of caught my fucking

iefplt but this guy, pops - eye. But this guy, pops to attention

goes whatever, ming er, because your mother works in McDonalds. I

like, I like, because it is very rarely you are going to turn

violent after spelling! I prefer that, every day of the week to when

they do that. Nobody knows what that, whatever, you are going to

shoot me with a mime gun. What's going to happen, if you are going

to mime a gun back, I'm going to mime back some bullet-proof glass!

But the thing is, if you know your language, you can see the game,

whatever minger, you have to slam him, the mother works in McDonald,

you have to slam his mum and get the spelling right, "m"requests and

"w", I'm all over him. I'm like, mate, pick up the crisp packet up,

munter, your mummy wapbgs willies on the World Wide Web! The most

important thing is answer back. Whatever you say, answer back. I

saw a brilliant thing. A sign, I was driving through Luton, "welcome

to Luton" the sign said, and someone had written "you can't

polish a turd" I loved the cheeky little optimist who wrote "no, but

you could role it in glitter". You know what I mean. I was driving up

the M1, there was this builder's van, they write in the dirt on the

back of the van, "I wish my wife was this dirty", brilliantly his

wife had twiged this, and she had written in small letters, "I am

when you're out driving". The best one I ever saw, in The University

of Wales in Cardiff. If you believe in oche morons, someone dk oche

morons, someone had written they hate the city and this university

and this place. Someone had written "why don't you drop out you thick

fucker". The first pen answered back to the second pen, in anger in

the back of the door, "I can't drop out, because I teach here".

Genius. Ladies and gentlemen thank you very

much for your company, I'm Steve Williams.