Episode 12 Russell Howard's Good News Extra

This programme contains strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to Good News.

One of the great things about doing this show -

I meet loads of comedians I've watched and, basically,

seen being really funny over the years and I can show them to you.

This is a special edition looking at some of my favourites. Enjoy.

-HE SHOUTS:

-Good evening, Russell Howard's Good News!

CHEERING

-Are you all right?

-Yeah!

-Are you all right? Louder!

-Yeah!

-Are you all right?

-Yeah.

-Are you all right? Louder!

-Yeah.

-Are you all right?

-Yeah.

Let's kick this in the dick!

Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes?

Do you like jokes? Do you like jokes?

Do you like jokes? Answer me!

Yeah.

You're in luck, mate. I've got six of 'em.

Let's do this.

CHEERING

I won a swimsuit contest.

CHEERING

I ate 57 swimsuits.

You lucky, lucky people.

Does anyone else think that Tim Rice

and Tim Curry should get together and open up an Indian takeaway?

They could call it Tim's. It would be ideal.

You're welcome.

Do you think Mr T likes wearing all that jewellery

or do you think he was just paranoid about being burgled?

OH. MY. GOD.

This is happening.

This is the act. Get on board.

All right? Lightning doesn't shoot out of my dick.

It doesn't get any better than this.

My mate was in the Army. He ate all the pudding rations.

He got shot for DESSERTing.

In the Bigg Market, right,

there's a place that does a thing called Mr Rupali's Curry Challenge.

You might have heard of this,

this is essentially the hottest curry in the world, right.

And the challenge is you go there, you order it, you eat it.

If you finish it, you get it for free.

There's a slight chance - slight chance, however -

that you might die.

You have to sign something. It's ridiculous, right.

Me mate, one night, me and me mate were having a pint and me mate went,

"Hey, Ramsey, I think I can do this Curry Challenge, you know."

And I went, "I think you can as well."

"Shall we get in a taxi?"

We went down to this place, I knew it was going to be amazing

cos he said these words, he went,

"Right, with stuff like this, piece of piss.

"All you've got to do is eat it as fast as you can,

"and worry about the consequences later."

I went, "That sounds spot-on, mate."

Sat down, he inhaled it, bang, it was gone, whoomph, and he was fine.

He was ab... He was spot-on.

For about 35 seconds.

Then he was in a bit of a plight.

He was sitting there going, "Ah, piece of piss.

FLUSTERED BREATHING

"Hoo!" He started shaking, he started sweating, his vision went blurry.

A bead of sweat rolled down his forehead, down his nose,

joined with one of his own tears, rolled onto his top lip.

He licked it, it tasted like curry, right.

The spices were leaving his body immediately.

He went outside to lie down on the park bench,

cos that's how you solve a problem in Newcastle.

Park bench - everything's champion, right.

Put a paper on your mate, you'll be all right, you'll be spot-on.

Next door to this restaurant, right, you can Google this, it's true.

Next door to this restaurant, there is a Greek restaurant.

Lying on a park bench, sweating, shaking,

through his curry-glazed vision, he just went, "YOGHURT!"

He got up and he went into this restaurant, right.

Now, the reason I mention that it's such a scummy area

is because the staff in these establishments

will take no shit from anyone.

If you walk in in the middle of the night sweating,

shouting about yoghurt, you are going to get a slap, right.

He walked in, he went, "I need some yoghurt!"

This massive bloke went, "Get out, mate. We're closed."

He went, "No! I need some yoghurt!"

He went, "Get out, mate. We're closed.

"I am not going to tell you again."

He went, "No, please."

The guy ran up, grabbed me mate by the scruff of the neck,

smashed him up against the wall.

Me mate went, "Please, man, I've just done the Curry Challenge."

The bloke went,

"GET THE YOGHURT!"

I was a very, very creepy child.

There's no easy way of getting into that.

I was one of those children that when people saw them, they went, "Urgh, God!"

And, contrary to popular opinion, I wasn't sort of those quiet and kill-y children.

I was very loud and mental. I'd sort of run in, go,

"All right, yeah? My dad drives a helicopter.

"Prove he don't."

Really annoying, really weird, creepy child.

But as I've got older, you know, I've become very socially adept.

I'm very normal now. Like, I'm really socially adept.

If I met you, sir, I'd be like,

"Hello, how are you? Would you like a cup of tea?"

Bang, done.

The only time the true core of myself comes out

is when I meet someone that I'm attracted to.

Then old Creepy McCreepson comes back.

It's really bad.

And when I say creepy, I don't mean in a sort of bumbling,

but ultimately endearing, kind of Meg Ryan way.

I mean fucking creepy.

My friend Caroline said,

"It makes the hairs on my arm stand up to watch."

I was at a party recently in North London.

It was a massive house and I was talking to this guy

and, after about five minutes, I thought,

"Oh, what's this feeling I'm experiencing? Attraction?"

That's fine.

After about ten minutes, I knew Creepy was waking up,

cos I found myself talking quite a lot about cheese.

And I don't know anything about cheese.

I thought, "Maybe it's not... No, he's not back.

"No, he's not back, he's not back."

15 minutes into it, Creepy was running things.

I was talking to this guy doing this,

like some horny gazelle about to leap at him,

still banging on about cheese, like,

"There's other cheeses, there's other cheeses,"

and I thought to myself, "What shall I do? How shall I make this...?"

Normally I'd be like, "I've just got myself into a funny position. Ha-ha."

But, of course, Creepy went, "I'm going to give you nuffink."

There was music coming from another part of the house,

very, very vague music.

Creepy went, "Pretend you're dancing."

So I started clicking along to this music, just clicking.

"Cheese, I've had feta - it gives me wind."

Do you know what music was playing?

Reggae.

No-one in the history of the world has ever clicked to reggae.

"Yeah, yeah, I've had cheese on pizza. I've had cheese on pizza.

"That's quite nice. Um, yeah, there's...

"What other cheeses have I had? What other cheeses have I had?"

And the horror of what's happening - cos I'm very socially adept -

the horror of what's happening is killing me

and I just start sweating profusely, literally dripping.

I looked like Mickey Rourke from The Wrestler.

I was like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

Then one trickle of sweat slowly starts coming down my face.

Could have wiped it away like a human being but Creepy was running things.

I went...

Caught it with my own mouth like some horrible lizard woman.

And that is one of the many reasons I will die alone.

A few summers ago, I went on a tour with a bunch of bands.

And, before the tour started, I wanted to go online,

check these bands out, to get an idea who I'd be working with.

I was looking at one band.

Every show, the lead from this band put the microphone in his ass.

So I was concerned.

I e-mailed the promoter, said,

"Hey, man, what's up with this dude putting a microphone in his ass?"

He e-mailed me back and said, "Don't worry.

"Microphone-in-the-ass-guy brings his own microphone."

As he should bring his own microphone,

but I'm sure it didn't start out like that.

It probably took complaints from other performers.

"Hey, man, I don't want to be a diva or anything

"but this guy just totally had the microphone in his ass,

"so is there a way that we can get a spare microphone,

"or is there a special spray we could put on that microphone

"to make it less ass-y?

"I don't want to be a diva."

But they would put on a live show. Their show was good.

Every show, the lead would take a garbage can full of pub garbage

and throw it on the head of his drummer.

And the drummer just kept drumming with a garbage can on his head,

garbage all over his body. It was disgusting.

He would keep the beat and everything. He was a professional.

My favourite show was in Montreal.

During this, somebody else from the crowd took the garbage can

off the drummer's head and put it on his own head.

I don't know why he did that cos, immediately after,

somebody else from the crowd punched him in his garbage-can head

and he fell to the ground, bloody.

And I tell you why that happened.

That's because, when you put a garbage can on your head,

it limits your peripheral vision about 100%.

You're very open to these type of attacks.

That's why I never put garbage cans on my head,

cos I always need to know what's going on around me.

I can't maintain that level of awareness with a garbage can on my head.

I just know myself like that.

I felt bad for the guy because it happened so fast

that he didn't even get to enjoy having a garbage can on his head.

His two consecutive thoughts were,

"I have a garbage can on my head!

"Man, I regret putting that garbage can on my head."

Here's a good question.

I was wondering for ages the other day,

what took so long with the invention of suitcase wheels?

It's a genuinely good question, but some of the young people

haven't got a clue what I'm talking about.

You know suitcases? We used to have to pick them up

and fucking carry them,

even when they were heavy.

We'd carry them about like that. Not now. Not your generation.

Now they've all got little wheels at the bottom.

This is mind-blowing if you think about this for long enough.

How long did the suitcase

and the wheel exist entirely separately for,

before some genius inventor thought,

"We could pop those two together and save on a bit of back-break,

"and probably make a few pounds in the process"?

That is a change that occurred in my lifetime.

Did we really conquer space travel

before we put the suitcase and the wheel together?

It seems an absurd set of priorities for the human species.

Surely we should have had the wheelie suitcase

before we had a fully-functioning spaceship.

If nothing else, it could have helped them load up.

So I tend to buy my clothes from charity shops.

-That's all right, innit?

-Yeah.

I mean, not Oxfam. I'm not made of money. Jesus!

I was in a charity shop the other day, right,

and I knew I must have been looking pretty rough

when this woman handed me a leaflet called The Truth About Drugs.

Had a little read, though, and I'll share with you what it said on the first page.

It said, word for word, "Taking drugs has a liability.

"It can affect the way your mind works."

Yeah, I don't do drugs but I am pretty sure that's an asset.

I don't think anyone's been up all night taking cocaine,

got up the next morning and gone, "Do you know what?

"Didn't like the way that gave me confidence

"and made me forget all my troubles.

"Not going to stop taking it, though, cos I really like nosebleeds."

I've been trying to look after myself a bit more but it's hard, innit?

Go to the gym but that's boring.

Is it just me or would you be more likely to go to the gym

if they were like they were at school, with wall bars and ropes?

It's way more fun, isn't it?

Or is that just cos I'm a girl

and we had quite a voyage of discovery on those ropes, didn't we, ladies?

Boys are looking at me blankly

but the girls know exactly what I'm talking about, don't you?

I went to an all-girls school -

some days you couldn't get on them, the queue was round the playground.

I'm trying to find a sport I like but I'm not a very sporty person.

I mean, my mum plays golf but that's not a sport, is it?

You can't call something a sport if you're so unlikely to break into a sweat,

you could play it wearing a jumper.

I like crazy golf. That's fun. I'll do a bit of crazy golf.

They're missing a trick. Why aren't they doing this with other sports?

I'd play cricket if I had to run up and down a seesaw to get a run.

As it is, the only sport I am any good at is badminton

but then, you know, anyone can hit a ball

when it's attached to its own parachute, can't they?

I'm very bad at seducing ladies, you know.

One of my main problems is I'm very bad at giving the eye.

It's a skill I've never mastered, giving the eye, right.

I tried to do it the other day in the cafe.

There was me and this girl sitting there, no-one else there.

I thought, "I'll give her a bit of the eye."

So I started looking at her, right.

I can do eye contact, that first bit, eye contact.

I can do that but the crucial thing is the smile, right.

Because if you don't do the smile, it's just...

So the smile, the smile is crucial.

I was looking at her and I thought,

"I'm going to do the smile. I'm going to do the smile,"

but I chickened out.

When it came to the moment of smiling,

I chickened out and I looked away, I looked down.

But this was the pathetic bit.

I then thought to myself, "Maybe it's not too late.

"Maybe it's not too late for the smile.

"Maybe I can still do the smile after I've looked down

"and it'll have a sort of retrospective smile effect."

So this is what happened when I gave her the eye.

APPLAUSE

Now, one of the many problems with this

is that it looked as if I was picturing her murder.

Basically, right, my whole life...

babies have stared at me.

Right...

But I was on the bus the other day with my friend, and my friend...

There were five or six babies on the bus and my friend looked around,

and they were all staring at me, obviously...

My friend looked around the bus and she went, "Er, Joe...

"..all the babies...

"on this bus are staring at you!"

I went, "Yeah, I know, it happens, yeah."

She went, "Really?" I went, "Yeah, this always happens."

She went, "Bit weird." I went, "Er, you know."

Got off - about an hour later, got on another bus,

on my own, and there was a baby on that bus,

and it wasn't staring at me, and I thought, "Ooh, that's weird."

Right? But then, I saw the baby do this - I saw the baby go...

And I swear to God, at that point, I thought,

"Still got it!"

Actually, I lived in the UK once before,

I lived in London a couple of years ago,

and this is probably the strangest thing that happened at that time.

I was hanging out on Liverpool Street in east London,

looking for Brick Lane, which was close, but I couldn't find it.

I kept going around in circles, and I saw this woman,

asked her if she knew where Brick Lane was,

and she didn't know - not a big deal, right?

I'm about to walk away when she grabbed me, looked me in the eye,

and said, "Excuse me, do you go to church?"

I thought she meant, do I go to her church? "No, I'm sorry, I don't."

She's like, "OK. Because I go to church,

"and I believe in Jesus Christ, and I think you should

"believe in Jesus as well." Wow!

How did you get from this part of the conversation...

to that part of the conversation so quickly?

It's like she thought to herself,

"Ah! He does not know where Brick Lane is.

"Clearly, he is lost in all aspects of his life.

"I will help him.

"Jesus - perhaps you've heard the name before?"

"Yeah, perhaps. That name has gotten around,

"mostly through word of mouth and pamphlets and...

"bullets were used at some point, I believe. Yes, I'm familiar

"with this Jesus figure - he looks like Bjorn Borg.

"We discussed this earlier, he looks like a Swedish tennis player."

I think she meant well, but it was kind of annoying,

and I wanted to end it, but I wanted to be polite.

She was being nice enough, and I said, "Excuse me, miss -

"thank you very much, but I'm a Hindu, all right?

"I'm taken, all right?

"I have a box to check."

And it didn't matter, and I know it didn't matter, because she said,

"It doesn't matter!

"It doesn't matter what you are, or who you are,

"Jesus loves you. Jesus loves me,

"Jesus gives me strength, Jesus gives me direction."

"Oh, OK. Well, then, can you ask Jesus where Brick Lane is...?"

APPLAUSE

I don't know if anyone else does this -

it never ceases to amaze me, the hour of the day I will stay up till

to watch a film, just because it's on television,

even though I've got it on DVD!

GIGGLING

What the fuck is that all about?

Like, it's better with adverts in it or something?

I was once two hours late for work, because I'd stayed up, ironically,

to watch Ferris Bueller's Day Off!

I've been watching a lot of daytime television as well,

I've got a lot of time to kill during the day, I'm at home...

I watched a programme for the first time called "Flog It!".

-I don't know if anyone's seen this.

-WOMAN IN AUDIENCE:

-Hey!

You sound like you enjoyed it a lot more than I did.

Let me say this about "Flog It!".

Firstly, there's an hour of my life I'll never get back.

It wasn't what I was expecting when I tuned in, if I'm honest.

I saw "Flog It!" in the Radio Times, I thought, "Ooh, hello!

"Daytime television's livened up - a bit of afternoon S&M on BBC One."

It didn't turn out to be quite the sort of "Flog It!" they had in mind.

"Flog It!", for those of you who haven't seen it, works like this -

people bring in stuff they think is going to be worth money -

old stuff, it tends to be, antiques, that kind of thing.

They've got a team of experts on there

who evaluate the object, and then, based on what they think it's worth,

the person that's brought it in has to decide whether

to take it to an auction, sell it off, flog it, basically -

hence the title.

I'd never seen it before. There was a guy sat there,

looking very happy with himself, with a big antique vase.

The professional says, "Hello, welcome to the show,

"what's the story with the vase, where did you get it?"

He goes, "Well, it's a funny story, actually.

"My girlfriend works in a hotel, they got a new manager and...

"out with the old, in with the new."

I thought, "Either I've missed something,

"or he's fuckin' nicked that!"

I don't think national television

is the place to be moving on stolen goods, mate!

I don't think sticking in "Out with the old, in with the new"

is going to throw everyone off the scent you've committed a crime!

If it were that easy, we'd all be at it.

"Welcome to A Place In The Sun. This week, we have Linda and Dave.

"They're looking to invest £100,000 in a villa in Spain.

"Linda, welcome - tell the audience how you raised the funds."

"Well, it's a funny story, that, actually.

"Dave was in HSBC at 9am the other day with a sawn-off shotgun, and...

"the early bird catches the worm!"

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I find Canadians - I feel like such a giant in this country.

I feel like Gandalf - you know what I mean?

Just, like around a bunch of Hobbits!

I don't know what it is about being a tall woman

that will always attract the smallest man.

You see him from across the way, you think he might be the right height,

but then he gets closer...

and closer.

And then he looks at you like he's going to climb a mountain,

like, "Rrrr!"

Like, you can't have what you can't reach!

APPLAUSE

That's why the cookies are on the top shelf.

Terrible! You know what? One good thing about being a giant,

I'm never afraid that anyone's ever going to drug my drink.

If they have any foresight at all,

how the fuck are they going to get me home?

You'd have to get creative - there's a shopping trolley waiting!

Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for my brand-new ventriloquism act!

-Here we go!

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Please!

-Get ready for this!

-What...?

-# Duh, duh-duh, duh-duh... #

-What are you putting the jacket on for?

-When I said dress smart, you could have...

-Here we go!

What the fuck is that?

-Get ready!

-What on earth is that?

Mate!

Oh, hello!

What is your name?

-"My name is Naughty Keith!"

-Naughty Keith?

Oh...!

-Have you not prepared anything?

-I was making that!

-Right.

-Oh...

Why do they call you Naughty Keith?

"Cos I am right bloody naughty, me!"

What is it? What IS that?

Oh...

-Wha...?

-What naughty things have you done today?

I don't even know what it is.

-"I poured petrol on a tramp and set fire to him."

-No, mate, no...

LAUGHTER No!

-It's too much!

-Keith - you shouldn't really do that!

What...? This is Naughty Keith, I know that.

-Thank you.

-What on earth is Naughty Keith?

-Right - it's a little puppet.

-Of what?!

-Of a boy, clearly!

-Of a...?!

What's happened to him? It's really sad, awful!

-You know that I like The Muppets.

-Yeah.

-Love The Muppets, right?

-All right.

-This is my one.

-Going to take it to America, join The Muppets, make my fortune.

-Right.

# Ma-nah, ma-nah, duh-da, da-da-da! #

-"Piss!"

-"Piss"?

-Yeah, piss...

"Piss" is his catchphrase. "Piss!"

-Piss?

-They will all be saying it tomorrow.

-They won't be, mate, no.

Get it on a T-shirt -

the word, not the thing.

It's not... It's not going to fit in with The Muppets.

-"Piss!"

-It's not going to fit in with The Muppets at all.

-Why?

It looks like it might rape Kermit, I don't...

-No, it'll be fine. "Piss!"

-Stop saying piss!

-"Piss! Piss!"

-You're a terrible ventriloquist as well,

it's not going to work, you're awful, your technique's terrible.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

-No, shut up!

He's a grown man!

-It won't work.

-Why?

-The technique's awful, I can see your lips moving.

-That is my voice!

-I know!

-That is me doing it!

-No, I know!

Watch him. "Piss!"

-Now watch me... Piss! It's me!

-I do know. I can see that.

How can I do it without moving my lips? That's like saying,

"Oh, look over there, mate. But keep your eyes shut."

Hang on, mate, second point on technique -

you're supposed to be making that look like it's coming alive.

When you're talking yourself, it's just down by your side,

and you're making it talk upside down,

and I just saw you use it to scratch your head with!

-My hand is in it!

-I know!

-I think he thinks it's real!

-No, I don't, mate!

-"PISS!"

-Stop saying piss!

I think immaturity is an important thing to have in life in general.

I think society these days teaches old people they need to look younger

and young people they need to act older.

The whole thing is tragic. Kids grow way too fast, these days.

I remember seeing these little girls, 14 years old, messing about,

minding their own, as you should.

Then one of the girls - apropos of nothing - just goes,

"Danielle, yeah, Danielle?

"You're 14 years old, how about you start acting like it?"

I thought, when I was 14, I got bored on a Sunday morning

and I put custard and my dad's slippers.

LAUGHTER Did he notice? No, he did not.

He was so hungover, he thought he had a foot infection.

LAUGHTER Just emerging from the bedroom, like, "Ali, can you...?"

"This is...

"This is most peculiar. This is...

"Hmm...

"Sort of creamy...

"Ali, I think I've got gout".

Oh, yeah.

# My friend Dave is a little bit square

# Just like a fridge

# My friend Dave hasn't got any hair just like a fridge

# Dave doesn't listen to what you say

# He likes to pretend that everything's OK

# Dave keeps things the same way every day

# Just like a fridge

# Just like a fridge

# My friend Dave is white just like a fridge

# Dave doesn't wash so he gently hums just like a fridge

# His light comes on when you open the door

# You can only use Dave for what Dave is for

# And Dave at a party is a bit of a bore

# Just like a fridge

# Just like a fridge

# My friend Dave is cold inside just like a fridge

# But he's warm if you touch him on the back just like a fridge

# Dave's dad is called Eric and his mum is Joanne

# Whilst travelling in East Asia their romance began

# And that's how come Dave was made in Japan

# Just like fridge

# Just like a fridge

# We thought that Dave would always be alone just like a fridge

# Cos Dave is not very good at talking to girls

# Just like a fridge

# But then he found someone to call his own

# We finally met her when he brought her home

# But she couldn't quite fit into the living room

# She was massive

# Just like a fridge

# Just like a fridge

# Just like a fridge

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Kid came down my street, giving it the big one. Confidence times a million.

Threw a crisp packet on the floor. I flag it, I say, "Excuse me, mate.

"I live here. Do you mind picking that up?"

He turns to me, confidence times a million and goes, "Why?

"What are YOU, my dad or something?"

I can tell by the look in his eyes not to force the issue,

because he clearly doesn't know whether I'm his dad or not, right.

I'm like, "Mate, pick it up".

He does that thing which you see... He sort of stares at me.

He's giving me the eyeballs, you know what I mean? Which we all know,

we're all British.

When a bloke stares at another bloke,

it's because they want violence to ensue.

We've all seen it, you know, "What you looking at?

"What you looking at? What you looking at?"

And you're sat there, thinking, "Well, I was having a glass of wine with my wife

"then you stabbed and punched your way through the pub, threw a pool cue behind the bar,

"fought the bouncer, bit the ear off that policeman,

"ripped open your shirt and roared like a lion.

"I'm going to be honest - it kind of caught my fucking eye!"

LAUGHTER

You know?

This kid pops the tension, pops the tension. He goes to me, "Whatever.

"Whatever, minger. Your mother works in McDonald's".

Which I like,

cos it's very rarely going to turn violent after spelling, right?

I prefer that every day of the week to when they do that,

cos nobody knows when they stand there, "Yeah, whatever",

you know what I mean? "What, you going to shoot me with a mime gun?

"What's going to happen here? Because if you're going to mime gun at me,

"I'm going to mime back some bullet-proof glass".

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The thing is, if you know your language,

you can see the game, "Whatever, minger".

You've got to slam him, "Your mother works in McDonald's," slam his mum.

Most importantly, you got to spell 'em all right, M and Ws.

So I'm right on his back, "Excuse me, mate,

"I've got a lesson for you in a language you'll understand, right?"

I'm all over it, I'm like,

"Mate, do me a favour, pick that crisp packet up,

"and while you're down here, here's your message, yeah?

"'Whatever, munter, "'cos your mother wanks men's willies on a world-wide web', right?"

One of the things that gets me very embarrassed is going to the dentist.

I don't know how you feel about the dentist?

I hate it - the bright lights, the metal, the fingering,

it's terrifying.

There is a bit of a back-story to this.

When I was about six or seven years old,

I happened across my first example of explicit footage, right?

Pornography. I was very young, maybe six, seven, very small.

The door was slightly ajar.

Through the little hole in the door I could see a television screen

and on the television screen was a dentist in his white coat,

drilling but not drilling,

ladies and gentlemen, his assistant in the leany-back chair.

And I was shocked. I was confused. I dropped my Petits Filous.

It was a big... It was a big day.

And that sexual frustration and sexual anxiety has stayed with me

to date and made going to the dentist all the more difficult.

Because it is difficult, isn't it?

You have to talk to the dentist, a strange man.

"Hello, I'm the dentist!"

How are you, dentist?

"I'm fine, I'm fine, I've just been to the Maldives actually."

Why have dentists always been on fucking holiday?

"Right, let me put on these protective eye goggles

"just in case I slip and fuck up your face, ha ha!"

LAUGHTER

Then he puts his finger into your mouth.

And this is the bit I can't deal with.

Normally, when an alien entity enters my mouth,

Detective Tongue wants to investigate.

LAUGHTER

Of course he does. He's a good detective.

Is it food, is genitals?

I don't know! Let's find out.

He just goes for it no matter what the situation is,

but in this situation, it's highly inappropriate

because it's a man's gloved finger.

And I'm paying him to put it in my mouth.

But the detective doesn't give a shit. He's a renegade.

He throws the rulebook out the window. He just goes for the finger.

He laps at the finger.

He lunges, he twists the tongue around the finger.

The dentist gets very embarrassed and moves to the molars on the other side.

Detective Tongue cow-licks across

and starts to suck it voraciously.

And the whole time, I've got an boner

because of the pornography I watched 18 and a half years ago.

APPLAUSE

It's nice people's attitudes towards swearing are slowly changing.

I think people don't realise there is nothing innately offensive

about language, it's the sentiment behind language that causes offence.

The older my dad gets, the angrier he gets.

Consequently, he is just magnificent at swearing.

He's 62 years old now. He's the angriest human being I've ever met.

A couple of months ago we were in a shopping centre,

we were on an escalator in that shopping centre.

There were two slightly plump middle-aged ladies

blocking our way on the escalator.

Normally in that situation, the traditional, proper,

decent Great British thing to do is to maybe tut at the most extreme

but generally, you just wait

until you get to the top or bottom of the escalator. Not my dad.

My dad simply shouted, "Oh, get out of my way, you dawdling whores!"

LAUGHTER

Turns out that is 100% effective.

Those dawdling whores dawdled no longer.

The biggest cultural shock I've had since being here,

which to all of you is perfectly normal,

and you have no idea how messed-up it sounds to someone not from here...

I was having a cup of tea with an English friend of mine,

and she said to me, "Do you want a Penguin?"

LAUGHTER

It's... You know...

And I was like, "Er...

"Well, yeah.

"Who doesn't?

"They're adorable! Where did you get it?!

"Do the zoos sell them now?

"I mean, I don't know how to take care of it.

"I mean, it's a bird, but does it go in a cage or in the bathtub?

"And they look like you need to oil them. They seem kind of oily.

"Mind you, I could put a little bow-tie on him,

"and make some pretty sweet YouTube videos.

"Yeah, stuff it, I will have a penguin, go on, I will."

And she said, "No, you idiot!

"A Penguin's a biscuit!"

And I was like, "Oh! How stupid of me...

"..to confuse something...

"with what it is.

"I'm doing that all the time. When you said Penguin,

"I should have known that you meant biscuit,

"and not, you know, a penguin." And she goes,

"Don't worry about it, let's not fight anymore." I'm like, "Yeah.

"Would you like some cake?" And she said yes.

And then I threw a spider in her face.

"Fuckin' Jesus! What did you throw a spider at me for?!"

I was like, "Oh!

"You idiot! In Australia, a cake is a spider!

"I just assumed you'd know that."

"God, it bit me!" I'm like, "Did it? Do you want the antidote?"

She's, "Yes, give me the antidote!" "Are you sure?" "Yes!"

And then I shot her in the kneecap.

"What did you just shoot me for?!!" I was like, "Oh...!

"I don't like you."

I live with three women, right?

And they clean the toilet every day.

Because they don't have any hobbies, you know?

And I don't have to clean the toilet that often,

so it really pisses them off.

They're, "Why doesn't everybody clean the toilet?"

That's my name in the house - Everybody.

All the time we have house meetings,

"I think Everybody should do the same."

I used to live with guys and we'd clean the toilet every six months.

There was this big sea of empty toilet rolls on the floor.

You had to swim to get to the toilet.

When you finally got there, there was another guy sitting there.

The only time we would clean the toilet was if we had a party

and we knew it would be women there.

And then when they got to the party, we would show them the toilet.

"This is the toilet, this is how it always looks like.

"Hope you go in there and keep it tidy. We care about the toilet."

People told me that London was an aggressive place to be,

I didn't realise what that meant until last October

when I had my first London Halloween.

Now, I used to enjoy Halloween as a time of year, you know?

Community coming together, having a good time.

So I was excited about my first London Halloween.

I was all prepared. Big tray of sweets...

plastic bat.

The doorbell rang at about eight o'clock in the evening,

there was one kid stood there, right?

No costume, right?

He just looked up at me and went,

"You're going to give me sweets or I'm going to tell my dad

"you touched my dick."

LAUGHTER

Welcome to London!

So, seeing as he was going to tell his dad anyway...

LAUGHTER

I thought I'd slip a little paedo gag under the radar.

There are two key traits we apparently look for

in a happy relationship. First of all, intelligence.

Give me a cheer, girls who are looking for an intelligent man.

WEAK CHEERING

Right.

A cautious response essentially says, "Throbbing cock and nothing more.

"Fill me, funny man, I am but an orifice."

LAUGHTER

Like a cheap Wookey Hole. I've been thinking about ways,

thinking about ways we can instil learning into everyday life.

A couple of ideas.

Women, rather than having meaningless Celtic symbols tattooed on your lower back,

why not have the periodic table so your lover can learn something

as he fails to satisfy you.

Maybe control the rhythm by way of atomic mass,

the higher, the faster.

"Copper, copper." "Argon, argon!"

Or a sudoku on the inner thigh.

He'd be down there for ages, wouldn't he, ladies?

LAUGHTER

The second key trait we apparently look for is a sense of humour.

Now, just because you find something funny

doesn't mean someone else will. I'll give you an example.

A little while ago I went to Bristol Slavery Museum.

And, as I was leaving, I turned to the girl behind the till and said,

"That was great, but I do like to hear both sides of the argument.

"So, out of interest, where's the nearest pro-slavery museum?"

She kind of looked at me blankly and said,

"I don't think that's particularly savoury, do you, sir?"

And I said, "Technically you charged me £6.50 to get in here,

"which means that Bristol continues to profit off the back of slavery.

LAUGHTER

"If this is a moral discussion, I think I'm on firmer ground."

It was at this point, actually, she tried to hit me.

But luckily she was shackled to the desk and couldn't get near my face.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I remember when I was little, my pet parakeet died.

And my mother went out and bought another one, just the same,

so that I wouldn't notice. But I knew.

And I killed that one too.

LAUGHTER

A little joke to get the ball rolling.

Now, what you say something, actually, about firemen.

Cos, well, they're absolute show-offs, firemen.

I know they rescue people and they're quite brave,

but they're show-offs, aren't they?

Do they really need to slide down those poles?

Why can't they just play cards on the ground floor?

And then, when there's a callout,

reach their fire engine by the method of walking.

LAUGHTER And, on the subject of exercise,

don't you agree that school sports days are humiliating enough

for slow runners without them having to have

the mothers and fathers races to basically, as far as I can see,

merely demonstrate that the children were never in with a chance genetically.

LAUGHTER

In my opinion, real rap - real rap -

it should reflect the hardships

in life, you know? Of which I've had my unfair share.

-LAUGHTER

-I've had some dark times, right,

where I used to think it was like me against the world,

-you know? And in those times...

-ELECTRIC GUITAR RIFF PLAYS

you've got to remember, it's not you, it's them.

-RAPS:

-Cos when you're down and out And you're really up against it

Just remember the basics

It's a mantra, repeatedly say this

You're not a loser It's just everybody's racist

Yeah, that's right, I said it!

Why d'you think nobody ever give you any credit...?

Why you last on the list of your doctor's patients?

Chronological? Or is your surgery racist?

What type of dog shits on the pavement

In front of your house? Alsatian - racist!

Say you're typing in a search engine

Trying to write "haterz" with a Z at the end

And your computer goes Did you mean "haters"?

That's how you know Google's racist

How come every time an igloo's made

It's always white, hmm? Eskimos - racist!

So now you know the truth at its plainest

Your car won't start? Engine - racist

Your team don't pick you? These guys - racist

Jeans don't fit you? Levi's - racist!

If you can't lose weight Every time you try it

I guarantee your diet is racist

On your birthday it rained in places

Fuck, the clouds The whole sky is racist!

You've got an iPod Shuffling the playlist

It ain't picked reggae in a while? Racist!

How come every time you get to the queue

You're the last in the queue, dude? That queue's racist!

And then when you get to the front

The staff say, "Hey, thanks for waiting!"

That's racist

The whole Post Office are skanks

Why do you think they try and sell you second-class stamps?

Two words Institutional racism

You go Nando's Suddenly they make chicken

And you might want couscous Or just soup

Too late, man They already judged you

When you're down and out And you're really up against it

Just remember the basics

It's a mantra, repeatedly say this

You're not a loser

It's just everybody's racist!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I've been Doc Brown - thank you very much!

Ladies and gentlemen...

..please give it up for Doc Brown!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

That's the end of Good News - hope you enjoyed it.

Farewell.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd