Episode 11 Russell Howard's Good News Extra

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you!

Hello and welcome to my special edition of Good News Best Bits.

We've covered a lot of stories this series,

here are some of my favourite ones. Enjoy.

So what's been happening? It's all going off at Sky News.

First, Jacquie Beltrao revealed her wrestling name...

Thighs without mercy.

..then Peter Spencer turned to stone.

Some people can be so mistrustful.

Peter, thank you.

Coming up on Boulton & Co, we'll be hearing from both sides of the row.

I tell you what, some journalists have got weird names.

Hello, my name is Lesbian.

Either my telly's broken, or there's been some big changes at Sky News.

'This is Sky News with Eamonn Holmes.'

Good morning.

Check out the Australian version of The Voice.

Is it me, or does Seal appear to be masturbating?

# Don't you remember...? #

New research came out this week suggesting why dinosaurs

became extinct.

Dinosaurs may have gassed themselves into extinction.

Researchers say the prehistoric beasts had a flatulence

and belching problem.

Apparently dinosaurs killed themselves by farting.

Turns out it wasn't a meteor. A stegosaurus went, "Pull my finger."

How did the scientists find this out?

Did they find one buried like that? Next to another one, just...

Either way, these lizards really dropped their guts.

Researchers found dinosaurs pumped out

more than 520 million tonnes of methane gas.

520 million tonnes! Must've been a nightmare being a T-rex.

"Oh, my arms are so tiny. I can't waft it away.

"Oh!

"Oh, Jesus Christ, what did you eat?"

"Who's Jesus Christ?"

"I don't know."

I tell you what.

If this is how they died, it's really going to change the movies.

HE ROARS

HE FARTS

Now, take a look at how a bored cat wakes its owner up

every morning at 5am.

If you struggle to get out of bed in the morning

and the traditional alarm clock just isn't enough,

maybe you need this furry wake-up call.

Ohhh! Oh...

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

It's the one on the end, the one on the end is the most satisfying.

"I can't reach." Wa-doing!

It's so cute, isn't it? But five in the morning? Every day?

If that was my cat...

..he'd end up like this.

What? I like a lie-in.

Sometimes you have to keep them in check.

Some cats are plain evil.

My favourite animal story of the week is this belter.

There was a kung fu hamster terrorising people in Slovakia.

The reason I love this story so much

is because some genius took a photo of the hamster.

Prepare yourself. This is one of the greatest photos you will ever see.

Not only is he throwing kung fu shapes, look at his mouth.

It looks like he's going, "Surprise, asshole!"

First up, some strange economic news.

-Erm...

-Erm...

-Erm...

It's the surprising research which may leave

some people scratching their heads.

Marketing experts reckon The Only Way Is Essex has generated

-an extra billion pounds of spending in the UK.

-Shut up!

Fuck off.

-CHEERING

-Yeah, this is the... Exactly.

This is the bizarre news that The Only Way Is Essex has boosted

the economy by 1.4 billion.

Thanks to TOWIE, sales in...

In other news, book sales are down 800%.

"I can't read, but I've got a shiny muff."

It's so depressing.

When I was young, kids wanted to go to the moon, not have a neon minge.

How have they got their own show?

Why don't we idolise impressive people?

Why can't we have a show, I don't know, called The Only Way Is Fry?

We could hear stuff like this.

Would you be in any way offended if I said you seem to me to be

the visible personification of absolute perfection?

As opposed to this.

The goat's beard, look, how embarrassing.

Is that why they're called goats, cos they've got goatees?

Yeah, it's so right.

Here is quite literally a shocking story about a ten-year-old.

Now to the Arkansas police officer under investigation

this morning for using a Taser on a ten-year-old girl.

-CHUCKLING

-That's... Don't laugh!

A policeman Tasered a ten-year-old girl.

So what terrible crime did this evil child commit?

Kelly King says her ten-year-old daughter was acting out,

refusing to take a shower.

Holy shit! How over-the-top is that?

"Have a shower." "No." Arrrrr!

The poor girl will never miss a shower again.

She'll be scrubbing for hours.

WHIMPERS

By the time she's done, she'll look like this.

Times have changed.

When my mum was naughty, they didn't Taser her,

they just put a budgie on her head.

APPLAUSE

Mind you, we shouldn't be surprised. This is America.

Their police are pretty hard-core.

Listen to this emergency call from a concerned parent.

What was the police response?

In fairness, we've all seen an annoying child we'd like to shoot.

# Baby, baby... #

I'm very worried about the students at Swansea Uni.

Do you reckon they're sat there, "Mum!

"I need a wipe!"

It's insane.

I mean, what kind of job are you going to get

if you can't even shit properly?

-Shut up!

-Fuck off!

In case you can't figure it out,

here's the handy diagram they're showing the students.

This isn't a joke.

These were genuinely put up in a place of learning.

This is good toilet.

And this is bad toilet.

Now...now...

I'm a good guy, I wanted to help the students out.

So I've made a few signs of my own, right? Here we go.

This is how you urinate,

there you go.

Lovely. Lovely bit of wee, oh, that's nice.

This is not. That's bad.

That's bad toilet, right?

This is how you use a kettle.

Oh, a bit of tea. Tea, mmm.

This is not how you use a kettle, that's bad.

That's bad kettle.

One more. This is how you feed a pet.

Oh, he likes that, doesn't he?

Lovely little dog, lovely bit of food, nom, nom, nom.

This is definitely not how to feed a pet.

It's not how you feed a pet.

First up, over to Australia and a sexy way to travel.

Air Australia is offering you the chance to join the prestigious

Mile High Club.

The hour-long flight includes a private cabin in the back

with a double bed, champagne and chocolates for you and your partner.

Classic Australia.

Over here, we're not allowed to take fluids on board,

they're flinging theirs about.

I'd love to see the plane windows.

Do you reckon there'll be birds like this?

"This is great. Or it would be if I wasn't an owl."

It isn't just the sex. Look what else the Aussies are offering.

After the flight, you receive a Mile High Club certificate

and commemorative pen.

Why have they got a certificate?

-AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-"What's that for, Dad?"

"Did your mum at 50,000 feet.

"Pretty weird, actually, son. There was an owl watching.

"I don't know if you've ever made love staring at an owl,

"it's pretty weird.

"You can't escape their gaze. The head can turn around completely.

"Like a furry lighthouse."

A Mile High Club.

There may be a few of you going, "Oh, sounds quite romantic."

You people are wrong. You are. The pilot will be an Australian man,

and you know what his announcements will be like.

-AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-"In the event of any turbulence, she's going to bloody love it!

"If we do crash, I'll join in." You think I'm joking. It's true.

Aussie men are pretty blunt.

What do you reckon Kate and Wills

are going to get up to on their honeymoon?

-Can we say it on TV?

-It depends.

Anal.

Next up, have you seen how a group of men are promoting

tourism in Scandinavia?

When tourism is down, there's nothing better to get it back up

than a video of naked men humping things.

Amen to that.

Now, look at the video these guys created to get people

to visit their country.

It looks like Louie Spence's mind.

How does that promote your country?

If you like a place, write something nice on TripAdvisor, don't fuck it.

It is a funny video, though, isn't it? This guy's my favourite.

Check this bloke out. Why? Cos he's wearing a hat.

I also love this bloke.

What is that?

That's not shagging, it's rapey yoga.

I tell you what, if that's how they sell their country,

can you imagine what their shopping channels are like?

-SWEDISH ACCENT:

-Hello, welcome to the Shopping Channel.

Gunther will now sell the toaster. Gunther.

Ah! I love toasters!

He loves toasters!

Warning - some of our toasters may contain pubes. Whoops!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There have been some insane health stories knocking about.

Check out the latest craze sweeping across Taiwan.

Tu Shin Chan is the grand master of in xao gung,

an extraordinary and controversial form of medicine

for men who want to be all they can be.

Medicine? Well, that is stretching it.

You'll get that joke in about five seconds.

Look what this "medicine" entails.

After deep breathing, each man ties

a soft sash around his penis and scrotum

and straps on a five-kilogram weight.

That is NOT medicine!

That is pervert croquet, that's what that is.

"The greens are good, aren't they, Barry?"

It's insane!

This has to be understatement of the year.

Some doctors have suggested it may cause serious injury.

Fucking right!

You'll have a dick like this guy's arm!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So why the hell are Taiwanese men doing this?

Master Tu believes conventional medicine will one day recognise

the benefits of this exercise

and even see it as a safe alternative

to potency-enhancing drugs like Viagra.

An alternative to Viagra? It's hardly going to be romantic.

"I tell you what, love, I'm going to make love to you all night,

"just as soon as I finish stretching my penis with this lead weight.

"You stay there, love, you're in for the time of your life!

"Oh, I wouldn't want to be you. Oh-ho-ho!

"Linda?

"Linda, can you phone an ambulance, please?

"And make sure it's a long one. I'm in real trouble here."

These guys don't just use it for sex. Check out this mad bastard!

The more experienced practitioners

are still to discover the limits of in xao gung,

one man even offering to pull our van.

AUDIENCE GROAN

He's pulling a van with his wang!

Let's hope to God the AA don't start doing that.

" Hello, love! I'm the fourth emergency service!

"Let's just warm the bad boy up. Here we go."

Have you seen the latest way teenagers are getting pissed?

In the last few months, an increasing number of teenagers

have been treated in hospital for alcohol poisoning

after they got drunk on hand sanitiser and mouthwash.

They're drinking mouthwash!

"Tequila?" "No, I'm on Listerine.

"I'm pissed...

"and I'm minty fresh."

It's insane! Look at the side effects.

These kind of symptoms - slurred speech, lack of balance,

changes in their mental state.

So if that's what it does to you,

this guy must have drunk pints of the stuff.

SLURRED SINGING

APPLAUSE

Not only that, I think this fella's been on it too.

"Simba! Simba, I am wankered!"

Did you read about this?

It's insane, innit? How angry must they be?

"Got your nose!"

"Well, give it back, then!"

It makes no sense. When I was five, I didn't need anger management.

If I wanted to be happy, I just did this.

"That's better. I was really upset."

Or if I was really annoyed, farty noise under the arm.

HE LAUGHS

Mind you, it's no wonder five-year-olds are messed up.

Look at the lessons they're taught by fairy tales.

Jack and Jill - domestic violence.

Goldilocks - breaking and entering.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs - gang bang.

Sleeping Beauty - that's the worst.

What's that? Touching up a girl in a coma, that's what that is.

"Lads, a girl asleep. I'm going to try and bang her!

"She's woken up! It's all right, I'm a prince. Let's get married."

LAUGHS UNCONVINCINGLY

Have you heard the news about Stephen Hawking?

Apparently, Hawking loves a clunge hut, right?

Did you see the way this was covered by Taiwanese news?

Look how they claim the Cambridge genius arrived at a sex club.

APPLAUSE

It gets weirder. This next bit is insane.

Now, boobs are incredible.

But I'm not sure they've got the power to do this.

APPLAUSE

Now, this is the part of the show I don't know anything about.

There's going to be a mystery guest, and I have to figure out who it is.

So please welcome my mystery guest!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

-Hello, mate.

-Hi.

-How are you doing? You all right?

-Yeah. And you?

-I'm very well indeed. What's your name?

-My name's Darius.

-Darius.

Excellent. I'm Russell. Thanks for coming on the show.

Right, it would appear to have an Olympic theme.

-Yeah, something like that, yeah.

-OK.

Are you an Olympic athlete?

-Yeah...

-Sort of?

-Yeah, kind of. I would say so, yeah.

-In what...? Is it...?

Ping-Pong?

-No, no, I need to show you my biggest clue.

-OK.

-APPLAUSE

-That'll do it.

CHEERING

Right...

Memories of Thailand come flooding back.

Just what kind of Olympics are you competing in, my friend?

Please tell me you're a table-tennis player,

you're not going to do something unspeakable with these.

-No?

-No.

-You're a table-tennis player.

-Yes, I am.

And you are at the Olympics?

Well, I'm hoping to compete in the 2012 Olympics this year.

Fantastic! How cool is that?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So...

..what made you learn how to become a Ping-Pong champion?

Table tennis was the only sport that I could play without injuries.

Big guys, small guys, skinny guys, everyone had their advantages.

-OK.

-So I just started doing it for fun

and then I kind of started getting a bit better at it.

I started beating the guys, and they were, like,

"Ah, table tennis is boring now. We're going back to football."

I was, like, "Hang on a minute, guys, I've got the shoes,

"the rubbers, the bat cases, everything."

-The rubbers?

-Yeah.

How good at table tennis are you?!

So, basically, my mum had spent loads of money and she was, like,

"I've spent all this money, and you're stopping?

"Boy, you better get your arse back on that table."

So the reason you're so good at table tennis

is because your mum wouldn't let you stop.

-A little bit!

-Let's play. That'd be fun. Can we have a go?

-Yeah, yeah, sure.

-Let's do that, man.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Nice work.

I'm in trouble here, aren't I?

-Just a little bit.

-Yeah!

OK. I'm going to give you a quick table-tennis crash course.

-Looking forward to it.

-The most important thing is to be relaxed.

It's like you're, erm...

It's like you're holding a baby. You don't want to be too tense.

Very relaxed.

But when you're holding a bat,

hold it like you're shaking somebody's hand.

So it's like you're shaking a baby's hand?

Here. I'm going to come and, er, hold your hand. So, er,

you need to...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Bend your legs a little bit. Bend your legs.

-OK, I'm going to hold your hand. Relax, relax, relax, relax.

-OK. Yeah.

-Yeah.

-And just go, yeah. Like it. Yeah. That's it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right.

Just throw it, and I'll make sure I'm hitting it!

There we go. That's it. Yay!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, let's do it. Let's have a quick game.

-You ready?

-Yeah.

That was out.

That was out, mate.

-Hang on a second.

-Ohhh!

That was going in!

-OK, so it's 1-0 to you.

-First to five.

-First to five.

Your serve, then. Let's go.

-1-1.

-Yeah. Cool.

-My serve.

That was pretty good.

1-2.

APPLAUSE

Are you ready?

-Hang on, I thought you had to go diagonal.

-Any way, any way.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow.

-You are a natural.

-That's right.

All right, 3-2. Your serve, your serve, your serve.

-Are you ready?

-Yeah.

-I'm going to finish you

-with a magical serve.

-I'm looking forward to it.

-You won't touch the ball.

I know.

-Sorry, sorry, sorry. I need one more try. Is that all right?

-Yeah.

-OK?

I do believe that's 4-4 now.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

4-4.

-Darius, you win.

-Thank you very much.

-Well done.

-Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest!

In the world of celebrity,

have you seen what they've been doing to stop obesity?

Chef Jamie Oliver and footballer Steven Gerrard

say the pride of hosting the Olympic Games

has been tainted by the shameful fact that Britain is officially

the fattest nation in Europe.

Damn straight. It's already affected our gymnasts.

APPLAUSE

Our swimmers aren't much better.

HE BARKS LIKE A SEAL

APPLAUSE

Still, on the bright side,

at least we're not as bad as the Americans.

APPLAUSE

Over in Holland, a bloke's had an unusual reaction to an operation.

You have to check this out. It is so beautiful.

HE LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

Just...

It's... It's so great!

He's so happy, and she looks like the grumpiest bulldog ever.

I tell you what, I could watch this man for hours.

It's stand-up time. My next guest is part of the brilliant sketch group Jigsaw.

He's equally funny on his own. Please welcome the wonderful Tom Craine.

APPLAUSE

Hello! Hello, are we well?

Yes, good. It's a pleasure to be here.

My name is Tom. It's nice to be here.

This isn't my first time on telly.

I have a claim to fame. I am sure most of you know this already.

You know, sir, I can tell.

When I, when I was seven,

I was a soloist on the Songs Of Praise Christmas special.

Thank you, thank you!

In the same year,

I released an album called Beautiful Or What

and the press replied, "What."

However, and this is no lie,

it was Princess Diana's favourite album, and that won't change.

AUDIENCE GROANS

She died, remember.

Who would like to hear a bit of this album? Give me a cheer. Thank you.

This song came number three in the German classical chart when I was seven.

Bearing in mind my competition with David Hasselhoff,

slightly less impressive.

But it was Jingle Bells in Spanish and it goes as follows.

HE SINGS IN SPANISH

APPLAUSE

What's quite depressing is that gets more applause than my carefully honed material I have.

It's my parents that shoved me into choir when I was younger.

My parents are weird people.

One thing that amazes me about my parents is

they consistently get my name wrong.

How do parents manage that?

If I had difficulty pushing something out of me,

I would remember what I had called it.

I did a rather awkward poo in the '90s,

I still refer to it as Reluctant Steve.

Reluctant Steve was 95% sweetcorn and the stay-at-home type.

But my parents' life is full of confusion.

An example - my mum recently heard about my huge phone bill

and, in an effort to help, sent me three blank text messages to use.

I had to fill in and send on,

"Hi, Mum, why have you sent me those?"

She said, "I never get through them, dear.

"I thought you'd have better luck."

The world's nicest woman.

I went to a park with my mum, and an elderly couple went past

with their arthritic sausage dog, and my mum turned to me

and said, "What they've done there, dear, they've over-walked it."

Clearly, my mum thinks sausage dogs start about waist height!

And they're worn down like Parmesan throughout the years.

They're finally being dragged around likes slugs on their front

with only nipples for traction.

My dad's view of animals is even weirder.

He said recently, "Have you read that story about the guy who was trampled by a bull?"

I said, "No, I haven't seen that."

"It goes to show you can't trust animals nowadays."

"Nowadays", as if once you could leave your baby with a bull,

and it would be fine.

Returned to find it suckled with its nappy changed.

Gone are the days you could take a bull to a china shop

and it would simply do a stock check.

But my brother is exactly the same.

My brother, worryingly, has just had his first kid.

We have this thing in my family that, when a new child is born,

the father always buys a gift they keep throughout their life.

My brother has bought his first-born Police Academy 1...

..on VHS.

It's a bold choice.

If you ask me, the best movie ever made is a Muppets Christmas Carol.

CHEERING

There's two types of people in life -

those who like a Muppets Christmas Carol, and those who hit their partners.

That's all that exist, and you do need to know this.

My brother, for his honeymoon, decided to go skiing.

He's never been skiing before and he doesn't have any kit.

His wife asked a family friend for him.

The family friend she asked was Amy Williams,

the gold medal-winning Winter Olympian.

Only when my brother got to the Alps did he realise his kit

was the official Great Britain skiing kit.

And when he went out for his first ever skiing lesson,

a crowd gathered expectantly, and two minutes later,

when he face-planted the snow,

he heard someone say, "And that's why they only won one gold."

Now, I needed this, because in the same month that my brother

got married, I split up with my long-term girlfriend.

-Can I have a slightly patronising "Ahh"?

-Ahh.

Quite insincere, but bless you, that's good.

I think it's worth saying we were together for three years...

what had kept us together wasn't hot sex, any of that nonsense,

it was our love of a nap. That's what kept us tight.

People have their favourite positions in bed, missionary, whatever.

Mine is spooning with zero penetration.

I like Diagnosis Murder and body warmth,

that's where I'm at my happiest.

Now, I've been thinking a bit about love in my single years -

months, rather - it's kind of...

First of all, what I can make out, when it comes to love,

we're all just bell-ends desperately searching for that one person

who'll fail to notice.

And men are pretty simple things.

Men want to kiss someone prettier than them

and not be found dead in front of porn.

I actually think porn degrades women.

What I like to do is take a blank piece of A4 before listing

female achievements throughout the centuries and climaxing across that.

The single life in general is quite depressing.

What I find depressing about the single life is that

when today's children one day ask their parents where they met,

the answer will probably be, Tiger Tiger.

And the father will say, "Yes, I remember the first time

"I saw your mother, she was downing Jagerbombs and crying.

"But what first struck me was that she was attainable.

"And you know me, son,

"I'll never forget her first words - she lent over and said,

" 'You... Who the fuck are you?'

"And then danced in that way that only someone missing a shoe can."

Basically, with dating, it's easy if you're attractive,

you're an attractive front row,

you have superior faces, it'll be fine.

I've got a face like Belgium, nobody's particularly interested.

I have come to accept that.

I don't believe the beautiful people who say they had it hard at school.

My friend, John Bird, was not beautiful and he was bullied.

He had his trousers stolen when he was on the toilet.

Turned up at the doorway of maths,

wearing just his SuperTed underpants and said,

"This is not funny." And the class disagreed.

The class thought it was the funniest thing they'd ever seen.

You see, John Bird and me and my mates were dweebs.

Anyone here a dweeb? Give me a cheer. CHEERING

Here's an example, if I ever leave a room with a witty comment,

I return two minutes later cos I've forgotten my bag. I'm that guy.

When I was 17, I used to wear a salmon pink t-shirt that read

"National Asthmatics Association - It Ain't Easy Being Wheezy".

And girls would look at me and think,

"Ooh, he looks nice... but I won't be kissing him."

Despite this, on my 18th birthday, I found myself in bed with a lady.

Now, that's to be expected,

because I'd taken her on a date to Thorpe Park, which is pretty sexy.

Thorpe Park, which incidentally has a log flume that takes

so long, there is a genuine risk of scurvy.

It's incredible.

Now, for me, one if the most nerve- racking things about first sharing

a bed with someone is that time at three in the morning when you think,

I really need a piss.

And I need to leave the room

without them noticing the parts of my body I'm least proud of.

I'm sure that's not the case for everyone. I imagine Cristiano Ronaldo

has a mirrored floor so he can show off his perineum.

I found myself at three in the morning - half man, half piss -

swelling like some disgruntled witchetty grub,

thinking, I need to do something about this.

So I charged from her bedroom down the corridor

to the toilet at the end.

I couldn't get the light on, getting more and more panicked, pressing

all the combination of switches, getting more and more panicked.

Until I noticed that that light switch was between two doors.

And what I'd been doing for that past half minute was switching

the lights on and off in her parents' bedroom.

At which point, her father emerged and said, "What the hell is going on?"

And I said, "I just really need a piss,"

in a tone that suggested I'd been summoning for help.

Like I expected him to guide my stream for me.

Now, what's worst of all is that his wife was epileptic.

She went into a seizure and she died, so, er...

so not good with women.

The most depressive thing about splitting up with my girlfriend.

A, she's a lovely person, we're still best mates, it's all good.

But secondly, I've had to move house.

Now, I now live in a place called Turnpike Lane.

This is how nice Turnpike Lane is - there was a drive-by shooting

outside my house about a month and a half ago.

The day after this, a policeman turned up at my doorway and said,

"Hello, sir. We're just visiting residents to reassure them

"that yesterday's violence was gang on gang."

And I said, "Reassure me?!"

So that's the two most violent groups in the area at war,

and he said, "Technically, sir, there are four of them."

So I said, "So, it's gang on gang on gang on gang?"

Like Hungry Hippos.

And he said, "The point is, sir, they're not targeting civilians."

I said, "How the hell can you tell I'm a civilian?"

He said, "To be fair, your slippers are shaped like Kermit the frog."

I said, "That's a good point. Consider me reassured.

"And have you seen The Muppets Christmas Carol? It's fantastic."

I spend a lot of my time travelling around the country,

moving or just with this job. That's kind of what you do.

I'll tell you a story.

I don't drive, I spend a lot of time on trains.

I had a gig in Weston-super-Mare. Delightful place.

Here's an example of the standard of the gig -

they were selling condoms with the British flag printed on them,

which is nice, if you like the idea of wearing one of those,

having sex with a girl and her lying back and saying,

"I'm the Middle East, treat me like you will."

Of course, it would be your duty to refuse to withdraw

till you'd ruined everything.

I was stood at Weston-super-Mare station, the day after this gig,

and the train in front of me had switched on its engines,

getting ready to leave the platform.

Down at the other end of the platform, a bit of a kerfuffle,

and this man threw himself onto the tracks in a suicide bid.

However, he had misjudged which way

the train would be leaving the platform.

So all that happened was the train backed gingerly away

from a man weeping on the tracks.

All these happy faces going, "See ya!"

Like some awkward metaphor for his existence.

Now, I thought that would be the most depressing thing

I'd see at a train station until I was at Paddington

very, very recently, on one of those really long escalators

that make you feel like you're going to heaven.

Like God is going to be at the top, judging you for your day's work.

Now, about 15 steps ahead of me was an incredibly smartly dressed

businessmen on his way home from work.

And all of a sudden, he did

the largest fart I have ever heard!

Incredible!

And I thought, "That's funny,"

but then I thought, "I'm on an escalator.

"I'm going to go through that."

So I waited for this invisible wall to smack me in the face.

I then stood at the top, grinning as more confused commuters got on,

which, as my friend rightly pointed out, made me look like the culprit.

Like I was expecting a high-five for my good deeds.

You see, my life seems to be this.

My life seems to be pretty much me flitting

from twatish moment to twatish moment. That's all it is.

Moments of idiocy followed by moments of idiocy, broken up by meals.

That's all I seem to be.

"I've offended someone! Oh, a jacket potato."

"A broken vase! Quiche."

That is my life.

Now, here's an example.

I was recently asked to write a sitcom and I sent in my first scripts

by e-mail to the producer and I sent her a text to let her know.

The text said, "Hi, Liana, just to say these scripts are on their way.

"A little treat from me. Thomas, X."

I then checked my outbox, and unfortunately when you type

the word "scripts" into predictive text,

the word you get...

is "rapists".

So...

what I actually sent to one of the key BBC comedy producers was,

"Hi, Liana, just to say the rapists are on their way.

"A little treat from me.

"Thomas, X."

And I thought, "I'll rectify this using language."

I sent another text which said,

"Hi, Liana, can't confirm if the rapists are on their way,

"but then again, you never know."

Smiley face, with sunglasses - which is innately predatory.

I made it even worse, because in an effort not to come across

as a liar, I have arranged to have her sexually assaulted.

So...

You've been absolutely delightful, you've been very lovely.

I've been Tom Craine. I wish you all well, bye-bye.

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Tom Craine!

Thank you very much for watching Good News. Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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