Episode 10 Russell Howard's Good News Extra

This programme contains some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, welcome to Good News.

We've covered some big news stories since we started the show. Here are some of my favourites.

What have we learned this week?

Adam Boulton HATES his cameraman.

See that man there? He's a real A-hole.

LAUGHTER

Nick Owen was gutted when his Viagra didn't arrive.

-Mmm.

-Not a good night, was it?

No, very frustrating.

LAUGHTER

Did anybody else hear that bloke get his cock out mid-interview?

We're not Royalists.

ZIP NOISE Simple.

This is one of my favourite clips of all time.

Check out the advice

an old lady gave Ed Miliband on how to deal with the Tories.

I know. I know, we've got to do something about them, haven't we?

I don't think that's a good idea,

But we need to get them out, you're right.

We definitely need to get them out. Take care.

And finally, it may just be me, but I think this bloke's in love.

I don't think so, actually, it's just...

# Never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, the major story in the news was, of course, the local elections.

Millions of voters have been casting their ballots.

Labour trounced the Conservatives in the local elections.

David Cameron apologised to Tory candidates who'd lost their seats.

Sorry.

Mind you, if you think the Tories had a bad night,

look what happened to the Lib Dems.

In one council ward in Edinburgh,

their candidate was even beaten by a man dressed as a penguin.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Beaten by a man dressed as a penguin.

Good night? "No...

"I lost to Pingu."

The big story was definitely the battle to become London Mayor.

In the last couple of weeks, the candidates have lost it.

Ken Livingstone told us he only likes dead people.

Favourite Londoner?

Favourite Londoner? No-one who's currently alive.

Jenny Jones came across as a bit of a goer.

-Favourite place in London?

-My bedroom.

And Brian Paddick revealed what he shouts at the point of orgasm.

Ooh, Sherlock Holmes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

To be honest, there was only ever going to be one winner.

'Boris Johnson is re-elected Mayor of London.'

Are you ready?

No, is the answer.

'I haven't got a bloody clue.

'Didn't even know I was Mayor.'

Did you see why Boris's dad reckons he won?

Why is it that Boris is possibly the most popular Tory in London?

It is probably to do with his hair, you know?

Hair counts for a lot nowadays. I've still got a bit of hair,

but he has more hair.

"Nothing to do with his policies, it's his hair.

"Have you seen it?

"You could fit a family of barn owls in that magnificent thatch.

"Sometimes I look at my son and think... Ooh!

"Sherlock Holmes."

LAUGHTER

He wasn't the only one impressed with Boris.

Boris Johnson is a very charismatic guy.

He's a potential leader of the Conservative Party,

he's very attractive.

Attractive?! No, he's not, he looks like a llama.

LAUGHTER

What an incredible week of news.

First up, you couldn't have missed this.

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge show their love to each other

and the world. Married in Westminster Abbey with friends,

family and dignitaries from across the globe.

It was a wonderful day.

Two people in love, the sun was shining, we got a day off.

As ever, the British public were very reserved.

Oh, look at William looking at her.

It's magical, it is absolutely magical. Magical!

I am speechless. Speechless.

THEY CHEER LOUDLY

Kate, William!

I love that. One minute she's speechless, next minute, "Aaaagh!"

It wasn't just the public. Even the police got into the party spirit.

CROWD CHEERS

Mind you, it wasn't hard to get them going.

The crowd cheered anything, from the weather to a road sweeper.

There's a 10% chance of a shower during the service itself.

CROWD CHEERS

CROWD CHEERS

CROWD CHEERS

Hurrah!

It's like a car and a Hoover.

For many people... "It is, actually."

For many people, the iconic image of the wedding was this.

Lots of shouts from the crowd here.

And that's the reward.

Come on! The iconic wedding image was this little girl.

LAUGHTER

"Can't believe I put glue on my hands."

Did you watch the service?

When the priest asked if anyone objected to the wedding,

did anyone else go, "Yeah, he's really punching above his weight"?

Just before the ceremony, Harry took Wills off for a private word.

I bet you he said, "Listen, Wills, I know it's your big day

"but I'm definitely going to have a pop at Kate's sister."

Who could blame him? She is extraordinary.

MUSIC: "Foxy Lady" by Jimi Hendrix

# Foxy lady... #

I think I speak for the nation when I say, she is a BMILF...

..a bridesmaid I'd love to Facebook!

Talking of Facebook, within minutes of the service,

this page was created.

The Pippa Middleton Ass Appreciation Society.

I wonder who set that up?

Back to the wedding.

Did anyone else notice the Queen didn't join in

when they sang the National Anthem?

I reckon it's cos she's so bored of it.

She's probably going,

"Oh, if I had a pound for every time they played that song...

"Oh, I do!

"Nice one!"

I bet she makes up lyrics in her head.

# I'm missing Bargain Hunt

# What shall I have for lunch?

# Maybe some chips Do-do-do-do...

# Who would I rather be?

# Spongebob or Mr T?

# I want a butler space monkey

# Cos I'm the Queen. #

Now...

I couldn't take my eyes off the Queen. Did you see what she wore?

I was looking at her, going, "Where have I seen that before?"

Then it hit me.

LAUGHTER

-REGAL VOICE:

-"Smokin'!"

Everywhere you looked, people were wearing medals.

David Beckham was there, looking great, wearing his OBE.

..His medal that he's got, but apparently,

we're being reliably informed that he is wearing it on the wrong side.

LAUGHTER

Imagine someone telling him, "Dave, it's on the wrong side."

"Oh, right!"

LAUGHTER

"Victoria, look, it's that bloke from The Mask."

LAUGHTER

"S...

"Smoking!"

The wedding was the biggest televisual event of all time.

Did you see how many people watched it?

It's thought up to two billion people around the world

watched them today exchange their vows.

Most of you probably watched it on the Beeb, which is a shame

cos you missed out on the in-depth knowledge of Euronews.

Listen to how they described the fly-past over Buckingham Palace.

All I can tell you is that that's a big plane,

and it's got two little planes either side of it.

LAUGHTER

That is genius.

It's great, innit?

Mind you, that was nothing

compared to the moment Chris Hollins was accidentally racist.

Have we had a super day today?

-I've had a great day, thank you!

-Fantastic!

Are you going home?

APPLAUSE

The Chilean miners are free.

CHEERING

MUSIC: "The Boys Are Back In Town" by Thin Lizzy

It's so lovely. It's a genuinely wonderful story.

My favourite miner, without doubt, was Super Mario.

-C-H-I!

-Chi!

-L-E!

-Le!

-Chi chi chi!

-Le le le!

He's incredible. Did you see what he said at the press conference?

APPLAUSE

Isn't that amazing?

"Hey, Mario, do you want to talk about your ordeal?"

"No, I want to bang my wife until she cannot walk!

"This is one Mario who doesn't need mushrooms to get big!

"Eh-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey!"

Now they're free, their lives have changed forever.

But with such extraordinary drama,

it is little wonder that Hollywood can see the potential.

Already, a film is being talked about as a certainty.

I've actually seen a sneak preview.

MUSIC: Theme from Brokeback Mountain

-Hey, Miguel.

-Si?

I wish I knew how to quit you!

Have you seen how the Government are trying to help parents?

David Cameron told parents this morning

he wants to make life easier for them.

From today, parents-to-be and new parents

will be able to sign up to a service

to get regular e-mails and texts about looking after their baby.

Yep, that's exactly what you need -

text messages from David Cameron telling you how to raise your kids.

Imagine the useful advice a Tory millionaire will give you.

Thanks, Dave(!)

It isn't just messages, look what else they're offering.

Support via text and e-mail is also being offered,

alongside vouchers for parenting classes.

Parenting classes? To be honest, some people need them.

This is not how you put your kid to sleep.

LAUGHTER

Can you imagine how patronising the classes will be?

"Morning, everyone.

"This is a nice cake for a baby."

"This is a bad cake."

Let's face it, you can teach a parent all you want -

ultimately, kids make their own decisions.

Repeat after me. Dad.

-Dad.

-Da.

-Dad.

-Da...

-Dad.

-Dad...

-Dad.

-Dad!

-Who's your favourite?

-Mum!

In Britain, the National Trust has come up with a list of 50 things

kids need to do before they're 12.

Climbing a tree, camping in the wild and abseiling - some of the 50 things

children should do before they're 11-and-three-quarters,

according to the National Trust.

Have you seen the list? Now, some of them sound fun.

Some of them are insane.

LAUGHTER

Sod that!

"Awoo! MUM!

"There's an owl on my head!"

Nobody has ever called an owl. I asked my cousin, he's seven.

He gave possibly the cutest answer ever.

"Have you ever called an owl?"

"No.

"I didn't know they had phones!"

My problem with the list - it's all a bit too nice.

"Ooh, let's build a den. Let's tickle a ferret."

The number one thing to do before you're 12 - play a prank on a mate!

Aaah!

This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.

There'll be a mystery guest who's been in the news

and I have to figure out who it is. So please welcome my mystery guest!

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "Mr Blue Sky" by ELO

Hello, mate.

-Hello.

-How you doing?

I've never met anyone like this.

-Well...

-Can I come up and meet you? That'd be fun.

-I'm cleaning the windows.

-OK.

Hey, Russell, how are you?

-I'm very well. All the better for meeting you.

-Yeah, take a seat.

I've never seen anyone as cool as you in my life.

It seems to be an old-fashioned place you work. Is that correct?

Yes, it's perceived to be.

Right. Erm...chalk, want to give me any other clues?

Other than, it feels like I'm going to get caned any second?

No. Well, um...

-Are those Sugar Puffs?

-Yeah, that's a little clue for you.

-I was the original Honey Monster.

-You were the original Honey Monster?

CHEERING

"Tell 'em about the honey, Mummy!"

-I thought that was Pat Butcher.

-No.

Why have you been in the news?

Can you stop sitting like that? I can't stop looking at your nuts!

I am Britain's youngest etiquette expert.

-Shall we fist bump?

-Well, no.

-You're going to be involved with me in a fight scene.

-You're a stuntman?

-Yes.

-Yes. You're the most stunts ever...

-No.

-You've not done...?

Just fucking tell me.

-What is it? Go on.

-I am from the country of cheese.

-Of what?

-Cheese.

-Cheese?

-The blue...

Come on! Cheese!

-Cheese. Cheese.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Yeah.

-That was a kind of...

-Cheese. So it's France, you're from France.

-Yeah, I'm from France.

So what brings you to England?

You didn't see anything on the news?

-I didn't see... D'you know, I didn't.

-Fuck.

Now, wave to the audience, show me how you do it.

Now, that's fine, and the audience are waving back.

Now, that was a little bit too ferocious. As a member of...

-As a member of the Royal...

-Has anyone ever complained of that?

"I've been waved at ferociously!"

That's wanking!

That's a ferocious wave!

-You'd be surprised.

-What's the etiquette for that?

-Remember...

-Palm, eyes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yeah, get warmed up.

LAUGHTER

-I did climb something in Paris.

-You climbed something?

-I did climb GDF in Paris.

-Is that why you're famous? Climbing things?

Well, I won't say that I'm famous, but I am a kind of superstar.

My finger!

We might have the wedding of Princess Beatrice and Russell Howard.

I've met her. My brother genuinely offered her Vaseline.

No, no, no, no. No. He did it... He did it, he did it the correct way.

Open, twist, move.

It was before the London Marathon and you chafe terribly.

He went, "Would you like some?" She...

Actually, she was very...

Da-da-da-da...

Lovely. Well, that's one for dinner parties!

LAUGHTER

HE SCREAMS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Victory!

Ladies and gentlemen, please thank my mystery guest!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Have you seen what Prince Charles has been up to?

Prince Charles has taken to the decks - the DJ decks.

As you can see, he learned how to spin records and then do some mixing.

Tell you what, I'd love to have seen him at Ministry of Sound.

"I'm MC Charlie, I've got all your riches,

"Dance to this, you peasant bitches."

"I got more!"

"My tunes are phat, my beats are manic,

"Try my biscuits, they're all organic."

"Put your butler's hands up, what?"

It wasn't just Charles. Even his dog got into it.

SCRATCHING

SCRATCHING

Quality.

I tell you what, when Charles becomes King, we have to make stamps like this.

Did you see this headline?

That is bullshit. Right, lamb?

Yeeeeaaah.

Here's the scientist that believes this nonsense.

Rupert Sheldrake is a Cambridge educated research scientist

who believes dogs do have a telepathic relationship with their owners.

Bollocks!

He bases it on this research.

Pam is out shopping. Her dog, JT, is in the living room.

At a random moment, just after 2.50pm, Pam is told to head home.

11 seconds later, JT gets up and waits at the door. Coincidence?

Yes!

He just needs a shit.

Dogs aren't psychic.

I refuse to believe that any creature that doesn't recognise its own leg has telepathic powers.

GROWLS AND SNARLS

If dogs are so intelligent,

why does mine start a fight with his own reflection?

Every single time he goes past the mirror,

"All right, Russ, nice day... Who the fuck is this joker?"

Next day, "Let's go for a walk...

"What the fuck is this guy's problem?"

"I've seen him in the pond earlier."

It's madness.

If dogs were psychic, surely they'd send a message to their owner.

"Please don't make me look like this."

Over to Hong Kong and a phone call the police will never forget.

Last night in Hong Kong, the police received a disturbing call.

A man thought it would be fun to have sex with a park bench.

HE GROANS

As you do.

We haven't got a photo of him, but I assume he looks something like this.

So...

Did they cut him free and let him go? Oh, no.

When the police arrived, the man's penis was so swollen,

they couldn't get the man free.

So they took him to the hospital with the bench still attached.

He was still attached.

Ain't nobody got time for that!

Now for the part of the show called The People's Podium.

We've asked the audience to bring interesting questions for me

to try and answer. Let's meet the first speaker on

The People's Podium.

CHEERING

-Hello. What's your name?

-Louise.

What's your question?

-I saw your show on the hosepipe ban the other day.

-Thank you.

If this does lead to the death of the bowling greens,

how are we going to keep old people off the streets? Keep 'em entertained?

Keep old people entertained?

We all have to carry Alan Titchmarsh masks

with us wherever we go. Just in case they panic,

we put it on. "Oh, safe!"

We'll have to get Zorbs,

-and put pensioners in them, just to push around.

-Yes.

Keep stuff in them to keep them happy. Horlicks...

-A book.

-Yes.

Werther's Originals.

Small vole, in case some of them like killing voles.

-What's your name?

-Sam.

What's your question, mate?

-I'm doing work experience in a hospital.

-Sweet.

What should I do to entertain the patients?

LAUGHTER

If you don't like them,

you dress as Death.

APPLAUSE

If you do like them,

whose day isn't brightened up

with an early morning cup of tea?

It's a simple pleasure, but it's THE best pleasure.

-SPEAKING SOFTLY:

-"Hey." "What?"

"Cup of tea."

"Thanks, Tea Fairy."

You'll have to dress up as a fairy.

Got a nice pair of wings at home.

LAUGHTER

-What's your name, friend?

-Julie.

Lovely to meet you. What's your question?

If you were on a stag do, who would you rather have with you,

Boris Johnson or Barack Obama?

Without doubt, Boris Johnson.

Why?

There is no way you can be smoother than Barack Obama around women.

-Fair enough.

-Boris would eat anything you put in front of him.

He would eat anything.

-He would.

-How about you? Would you like to be smuggled in to join us

-on the stag do?

-Yes, please.

-We could dress you up as a man...

Yes, well...

Oh, no way do you look like a man!

You look like the loveliest dinner lady, ever.

-I mean that as a compliment.

-Thank you.

I love dinner ladies. They're wonderful.

-You have the look of a lady that would...

-I'm only 24!

I mean that. This is why I've got nothing around women. I meant that.

I meant that in a lovely way. You look like you'd make me a cake.

-I can't bake, but I'll make you a cake if you want.

-There you go.

-What's your name?

-I'm Keith.

-What's your question?

-As a senior,

I feel that I'm being overtaken by technology.

I feel like that as well!

I genuinely do.

I checked out in '97.

One of the problems I have, is if I sit on the Tube

with my library book,

all those around me are going like this,

with their electronic gadget in their hands.

Sometimes looking over shoulders, never talking,

but I'm just sitting there with my book.

What can I do to keep up?

What you could do, I guess, is try and...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ohh!

No, no. The key

is to make your book look so interesting

that they're not concerned with their electrical goods.

It relies on your acting. You'll have to do a lot of this.

LAUGHTER

-HE MOUTHS:

-"Fuck!"

"Wow!"

"That is the craziest book I've ever read!"

You do that, you'll be the envy of everyone on that Tube.

-I'll try that.

-Make sure there's someone else on, or it'll look weird.

That's what you should do. Ladies and gentlemen, probably my favourite.

Keith! Go and sit down, my friend.

Here's some good news for food lovers.

A report out this week indicates that a greasy fry-up

may be the best way to start the day. This is fantastic!

It's refreshing to hear a positive food story.

Usually, there's things like,

"Bacon will kill you. If you drink red wine, you will die.

"Chips will rape your dog." You know?

The Daily Mail is the worst. Every day,

there's a different fear-mongering story.

Have you seen how many things they genuinely claim could lead to cancer?

It's absolutely ridiculous.

MUSIC: "We Didn't Start The Fire"

APPLAUSE

Now it's time for my stand-up guest. This lady is properly funny

and last year won the very prestigious BBC New Comedy award.

So please give a very warm welcome to the wonderful Angela Barnes!

APPLAUSE

Hello! Oh, this is nice. How are you doing? You having a good time?

WHOOPING

Good. Of course you are. I've put a dress on and everything.

Thank you. Cheers. Because I can't do smart, generally.

You could dress me head to toe in Chanel,

I'd still look like I'd run naked through Matalan covered in glue.

I tend to buy my clothes from charity shops. That's all right, isn't it?

Not Oxfam, I'm not made of money. Jesus.

So it's nice to be here, you all look very nice.

I come from a town called Maidstone in Kent. Does anyone know it?

SCATTERED CHEERING

You're cheering it!

I love the place, it's my home town, but you know,

it's no coincidence that an anagram of Maidstone is "I am stoned".

There's fuck all else to do.

Just anagrams.

I always say if Kent is the Garden of England,

Maidstone's where they've hidden the old fridge and a piss-stained mattress.

You're a very beautiful crowd here tonight. It's nice to see.

Although I must admit, I'm looking at some of you and I'm thinking,

Jesus, I've got things in my medicine cabinet older than you.

I'm 35. I'll give you a moment for the gasps of surprise.

GASPING

Don't patronise me.

35's all right.

At least it was until somebody pointed out that I've outlived

five Blue Peter dogs.

It's too many, isn't it? And technology is passing me by.

I see people with iPads and I think to myself,

I really want one of those.

I've just got no idea why.

Then I see them shake it and I realise it's because I never had an Etch A Sketch.

And I'm still blown away by text messaging.

I'm still blown away that I can text my bank

and they can instantly text me back my balance.

I did it the other day - the LOL on the end was a bit harsh.

It's a fair point, it's a fair point.

I'm a single woman.

I've just had this reinforced by being asked to be

a bridesmaid for the eighth time.

They're taking the piss, aren't they, now?

I hate it because you're supposed to enjoy it,

but for a start, brides will always insist on dainty little shoes.

I've got size eight flat feet.

Dainty little bridesmaids shoes

make my feet look like whales shoved into canoes.

Last time I was a bridesmaid, she made me wear a gold dress.

Let me say that again. A gold dress.

I looked like an Oscar in a wig.

Although I did manage to pull that night so...

CHEERING

Thank you. Cheers.

I went back to his place and let me tell you, nothing says old slag like

a 35-year-old bridesmaid on a bus at eight o'clock on a Sunday morning.

Live and learn, eh? Live and learn.

I was talking to a newlywed couple that I know recently.

I wouldn't advise it for at least two years, they're really tedious.

She was giving it all that. "Angela, it's the happiest day of my life.

"Happiest day of my life."

She said, "Do you know what, at the end of the day,

"we were so exhausted, we couldn't even consummate the marriage."

Hang on, right, any day where I am too tired to have sex

and it isn't cos of all the sex I've just had -

not going to be the happiest day of my life.

Then he pipes in with, "But Angela,

"the best thing about being married, the best thing about being married

"is I know I never again have to go through the trauma of casual sex."

You're doing it wrong, mate.

He said, "You know, getting up the next day,

"having to sneak out the house, do the walk of shame."

I said, "Walk of shame? I'm 35, I'm single.

"If I manage to get myself laid, that is not a walk of shame,

"that is a parade of triumph."

Walk of shame! Walk of shame. I've been known to skip.

I'm quite happy being single.

There's only two times I don't like being single.

One is when I'm not very well

because there's nobody obliged to give a shit.

The other's when I want a holiday.

I'd quite happily go on holiday on my own,

but I really resent having to pay the single supplement.

Why don't they just call it what it is? It's a loneliness tax.

My friend, she said to me, "Why don't you go on a singles holiday?

"Apparently they're not like they used to be."

And I entertained the idea until she sent me the link to the website.

Justyou.co.uk.

Might as well call it ahyourtimewillcome.com.

I've been doing a bit of dating recently.

I was seeing this guy, he was 31, obsessed with Lord of the Rings.

Still played Dungeons And Dragons.

He dumped me.

I haven't felt that uncool since my dad picked me up from the school disco in our motorhome.

Genuinely, one of the reasons he gave for dumping me is I'm an icthyophobe.

If you don't know what that is, that means I'm afraid of fish.

I know, people tell me all the time, that's irrational.

I say, tell that to Steve Irwin. But there you go.

GROANS

Oh, it was ages ago!

So this guy, he sat me down and he said,

"You see, Angela, the thing is, I've always imagined

"living in a house where one entire wall is an aquarium.

"So we can't be together."

I said, "Really?

"Well, I've always imagined a sex life where I don't have to dress up as Frodo."

It would appear only one of us

understands the concept of beggars can't be choosers.

I thought I'd hit the dating jackpot recently. I dated a doctor.

CHEERS

You're right to be impressed.

Girls like me don't get to date a doctor unless that's their prison nickname.

And it was all going fine, it was going well,

we'd been on a few dates, until we came to sleeping together.

Because I suddenly was overcome with anxiety

when I realised that this is a man who knows exactly where

everything should be, and what everything should look like.

What if he finds something wrong with me?

What if I'm actually hideously disfigured and I've got no idea?

I didn't want to wake up the next morning to find he'd sneaked out

and instead of leaving me a note, he's left me a prescription

for antibiotics and the number of a good plastic surgeon.

So I couldn't concentrate on what was going on.

All I kept thinking was, God, he's a doctor, he's a doctor.

And bless him, he was trying to engage me in activity.

At one point he leant over and he whispered in my ear,

"Have you been a naughty girl?"

I said, "Yes, I drink too much, I don't exercise. It's been five years since I've had a smear."

I knew it was really game over when I had his knob in my mouth and all I could do was go "Aaah..."

Turns out I needn't have worried, he was a doctor of philosophy.

I've got a friend who's just taken up burlesque dancing, as a hobby.

-AUDIENCE:

-Wooo!

I'm not sure about it. Is it just the middle-class acceptable face of stripping?

The only difference I can see between burlesque dancing and stripping,

is that in burlesque dancing the pile of clothes on the floor is more expensive.

Cos I read this interview with a guy who ran a burlesque club.

He was defending it to his local community, saying,

"No, no, no, it's not a strip club. It's a burlesque club.

"It's fine because it is vintage. It's classy."

Doesn't work like that, does it?

You can't make something acceptable just by doing it in old-fashioned clothing.

If you could, drug addicts would be wearing top hats.

"No, officer, this isn't a crack house, this is an opium den."

"Oh, as you were - you're VINTAGE junkies." Doesn't work like that.

No, I don't think I'll be doing burlesque any time soon.

Taking your clothes off sexily in front of other people's hard.

I find taking my clothes off hard full stop, sometimes.

I once genuinely choked myself, cos I took my jumper off

forgetting I still had a Pepperami in my mouth.

All my friends are having children now, which means

I've got a lot of godchildren. I'm always being asked to be a godparent.

I've got so many godchildren,

I am starting to think I might actually be God.

It's weird. I don't know why they keep asking me.

I'm quite open about the fact that I'm an atheist,

yet they still keep asking me to be a godparent.

I mean, I'll do it, fuck it - I like vol-au-vents.

But it's weird - you wouldn't ask a creationist to lead a fossil hunt.

I was at my friend's little boy's christening.

They decided to call him Adam, because, and I quote,

"We didn't want an old-fashioned name."

Brilliant, yeah. Like calling your baby daughter Jezebel,

cos you didn't want anything too slutty. Well done.

And of course the upshot of this means I have to go to their birthday parties.

Children's birthday parties and me... I can't talk to kids.

I was at one recently, this nine-year-old, and I got

chatting to this girl there, "Hello, what's your name?"

She said, "Constance." I was like, "Oh, here we go. Brilliant."

"And what do you want to be when you grow up?" She said, "Archaeologist."

Precocious little twat.

"Is that cos you like Ancient Romans and Egyptians?"

She looked me square in the eye, she said, "No, I like dead bones."

So I've memorised HER face.

I was on the phone to my mum that night -

"Mum, I met a really creepy child today." My mum went, "You can talk."

And then she did remind me of something that I used to do.

Before I share this with you, remember two things.

One is, I had a lot of allergies and wasn't allowed any pets.

And the other is, I was an only child until I was 12, so I had to make my own entertainment.

And this is what I used to do.

On a summer's day, I would catch a fly - that could take me all day sometimes...

I would dunk it in some water. Not to kill it, I'm not a psychopath. Just to immobilise it.

I had very long hair, I would rip one of the hairs from my head,

I would tie it to the fly,

then when it dried out and tried to fly away, I had a fly on a lead.

Come on, that's genius!

I used to walk around our estate with up to five of these at any one time,

thinking I looked pretty cool.

It turned out the hair was completely invisible to the naked eye,

I just looked like a walking dog turd.

I've not been christened myself, I come from a very laid-back, liberal family.

My dad actually worked in a sex shop for a living.

Which wasn't a problem, really.

Until it came to "take your daughter to work day".

No girl should ever have to do a dildo stocktake with her dad.

Bless my dad. He's up there now in the great big sex shop in the sky.

Word to the wise - just remember, when you die,

someone in your family is going to get your computer.

Oh, yeah.

You can laugh - I can never show my face in that branch of PC World again.

The porn on his hard drive was one thing,

but the links to caravanning websites were humiliating.

We gave my dad a good send-off, I think that's important.

When somebody's vibrant and colourful in life,

you give them a good send-off.

At my dad's funeral, we had a very strict "no black" rule.

I mean, clothes - not people. Jesus...

He was a massive pervert, he wasn't a racist!

A brief glance at his internet browser history proves both those points, if I'm honest.

And he was a big fan of tattoos, my dad.

So it seemed a fitting tribute that when he died, I should get a memorial tattoo.

You might not be able to see this, it's on my wrist here,

and it's a tracing of the last birthday card he ever sent me.

It says "Love you, Dad," and it's in his handwriting.

Now, I decided WHAT I wanted - I just had a little bit of trouble about where to put it.

Cos I wanted it somewhere where I could see it,

but it was for my dad, I didn't want anywhere...sensual.

So I decided where it was going. I went with my friend Nicki to get it done. She said

"Have you decided where you're going to put your tattoo?" I said, "It's going on my wrist."

She looked at me and she said, "Is that your wanking hand?"

So it's on this wrist!

Now you know more about me than you ever wanted to.

I'm a lactose intolerant. Have we got any in?

Yeah, just a weak voice in the background.

When you tell people you're allergic to dairy, nine times out of ten

the response will be "Ooh, I couldn't live without cheese."

Thanks for that, yeah, Cheers.

Go to somebody with one leg, would you -

"Ooh, I couldn't live without doing the conga."

Because I've got this sort of collection of niggling ailments that

I'd quite like to consolidate into one easy to manage disease.

Nothing life-threatening - just something that might get me

a swim with dolphins or a Pride of Britain nomination or something. That would be nice.

The things I've got are rubbish. I've got something called glue ear.

Did you have that when you were a child? It necessitates the wearing of grommets in your ears.

I mean, child is the key word. I'm 35,

I've got grommets - I might as well have a sodding nappy rash, it's brilliant.

Even the word "grommet" is a cartoon character.

You don't get that with adult procedures, do you?

My grandmother, she's got a bilateral hip replacement - she hasn't got a double SpongeBob.

Grommets(!)

And they're inconvenient as well, cos I like to swim -

but I can't get my ears wet, so I have to wear a swimming hat.

No-one's worn a swimming hat outside of competitive swimming since 1983, that's a fact.

So my mum's bought me a red one,

cos she said "It'll just look like your hair."

It doesn't, no. I just look like a Lego version of me.

And another thing because of glue ear, my eardrums rupture quite easily.

I don't know if anyone here's had a burst eardrum. It's not pleasant.

It's bloody, its pussy, it's messy, it's horrible.

Happened to me once during sex.

GROANING Yeah, disgusting.

Although, it was quite entertaining to see

the look on the gentleman in question's face,

as I saw him think to himself,

"Oh, my God, I've actually fucked her brains out."

I'm going to leave you on that. I've been Angela Barnes, you've been lovely. Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Angela Barnes!

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

Thank you very much for watching Good News. Good night!

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