Episode 9 Russell Howard's Good News Extra

This programme contains strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Thank you very much.

Hello, and welcome to Good News.

With the Olympics just around the corner, we've done a show all about sport.

Here it is, I hope you enjoy it.

First up, never interview someone on a trampoline.

Emma...

Emma?

Emma.

Here's a tip -

don't do a live broadcast outside a football stadium.

It's been said for quite a while that it's going to take a long time

for Rangers to get back to where they were.

Mark Longhurst revealed what he shouts at the point of orgasm.

In the back of the net!

And finally, don't forget the main rule of telly -

never broadcast live from a pub.

There's a very different atmosphere here in this pub now

than there was when we got here

at eight o'clock this morning.

It's a different crowd that are here now.

It's filling up with football fans.

When we got here this morning, it was full of Andy Murray fans.

Now, you're probably thinking, I imagine he stops there.

You'd be wrong!

He made it to the final this time last year,

the same Australian Open final, when we were all here then,

and we all have our fingers crossed for a different outcome this time.

We've been told not to lose heart

as some of the greatest tennis players of our time,

among them Andre Agassi, didn't win his first few shots at a Grand Slam...

it happened for him later in the day.

# It's all right if you wanna come back to me... #

Big news of the week,

the new England manager was going to be Harry Redknapp.

But instead, we've got this guy.

Roy Hodgson has officially been named as the new England manager.

The big question, though, is what happened with Harry Redknapp,

the choice of many fans, and footballers?

When I saw it on the news last night, I screamed at the television.

It's so gutting.

Everyone wanted Harry, and instead we've got Roy.

Fair to say the fans have not taken the news well.

This is awful.

That is just madness.

Roy Hodgson? Are they on crack?!

Roy Hodgson looks set to be the next England manager.

HE CRIES

It was even worse on Twitter.

My favourite anti-Hodgson tweet was this...

In fairness, he's got a point!

This was definitely the big sport story of the week.

Manchester City are the new champions,

stealing the title at the 11th hour

from under the noses of their United rivals.

Aguero! He's won it! Get in there!

It was the most exciting end to a season ever, right, Lamb?

Yeah.

Did anyone see the way it was covered on Soccer Saturday?

If only they'd get a little bit more excited.

Queens Park Rangers are level.

Traore's put the ball in the box, far post, it's a goal!

He's scored!

Oh, no!

It's been said they've played the best football... Ahhhhhh!

Goal! It's two-all.

THEY ALL SHOUT INCREDULOUSLY

-Incredible!

-It's 3-2!

It's in!

They're all cuddling each other!

They've got love bites and everything!

Next up, there's been a study

analysing the intelligence of footballers.

If you thought footballers were a bit dippy, think again.

A new study by researchers in Sweden

has found they're often more intelligent than the rest of us.

Apparently, footballers are more intelligent than us.

I'm not so sure. Some of them can get a big tongue-tied.

With Joey Barton,

you know that... You know what to expect.

He's going to come strong in the tackle

and he's going to come in your face,

and you have to be ready before the match.

LAUGHTER

I'm not sure he'd go that far!

One thing I will say - there is one person in football who is a genius.

I'm not talking Wayne Rooney or Steven Gerrard.

I'm talking this man - Bristolian legend, Ian Holloway.

I could listen to him talk for hours.

Most football managers are like,

"At the end of the day, it's a game of two halves, blah, blah, blah."

Not Holloway.

Look what he said when Blackpool got promoted to the Premier League.

My all-time Holloway quote, though, has to be this belter.

Here he is describing Cristiano Ronaldo.

There's more. There is more!

Boom!

The big news in sport was definitely this.

Chelsea have been crowned European champions in Munich.

Chelsea won the Champions League for the first time ever.

So, how did the fans celebrate? Some sang.

# Championes, champione!

# Ole, ole, ole! #

Others got a bit carried away.

You don't want to see the rest of that clip.

You think that's weird? This was definitely the strangest reaction.

THEY CHEER

"We won! Yeah! Let's shag the dog!" "What?!

"Why are we shagging..."

"I don't know!"

It gets weirder.

Did you see what the fans were throwing at the players

during the victory parade?

You'll see on the ground, and a lot of it in the air as well.

Lots of celery flying.

Celery? Who celebrates by throwing vegetables?!

"I can't believe we won. Pass me that broccoli.

"It's the best day of my life.

"Is that a radish? Go on, Drogba, there you go."

So, why were they throwing celery?

Well, it's all to do with this beautiful ballad

the Chelsea fans sing.

Well, that is not how to get your five a day.

Also, there's people watching this show that have never had sex.

Don't ever do that!

Wonder if there's someone watching at home going...

HE GASPS

How did he know?

After they got rid of the celery,

Frank Lampard paid tribute to the fans.

It was the most amazing night of all of our careers,

and we're so pleased to come here and celebrate with our fans.

Drogba... He did an impression of a car stuck in traffic.

-Beep-beep!

-Hooray!

-Beep-beep!

-Hooray!

-Beep-beep!

-Hooray!

No idea!

My favourite player was definitely David Luiz.

Fair to say when he did this interview on Italian TV,

he'd had a few drinks.

IN ENGLISH:

HE SPEAKS ITALIAN

He was still hammered the next day.

# I'm so wankered

# I don't know my own name. #

-# Yeah, yeah

-Get down with the trumpets

-# Yeah, yeah

-Let's get down with the trumpets... #

So, back in Britain, the countdown to the Olympics has finally begun,

with the unveiling of the Olympic clock.

WOMAN COUNTS DOWN

If it wasn't real before, it is now.

While we've been on air, the London Olympics

unveiled their countdown clock for 2012.

Pretty exciting! 2012, here we come.

Remember last night we showed you

the start of the London Olympic countdown clock?

Well, today it stopped!

It's so classically British - it broke after one day!

I bet there were people there going, "It's broke!"

"Have you tried turning it off and on again?

"Take the batteries out and rub it on your jumper.

"I got it, right.

"Try drinking some water... Ah, that's hiccups."

We are so hopeless, aren't we?

To be honest, it's little wonder the clock stopped

when you consider this man's in charge!

Mind you, Boris has got other things on his mind,

like this newsreader's ass.

..Alice Bhandhukravi, who's there for us with some guests.

LAUGHTER

He's been on spectacular form.

Listen to what he reckons builders rubbed on the Olympic velodrome.

Rhubarb. It is rubbed with rhubarb. It is lovingly rubbed with rhubarb.

The whole of the exterior of this building is rubbed with rhubarb.

And therefore, this fantastic velodrome creates jobs and employment

for English rhubarb growers.

We rubbed the roof with rhubarb!

That's not all, Britain!

The bikes are made from aubergines, and I am 80% broccoli!

Look at the sports he wants to introduce.

The pankration,

whose chief exponent was Milo of Croton,

whose signature performance

involved carrying an ox the length of the stadium,

killing it with his bare hands and then eating it all on the same day.

Bad news for babies.

Babies will be banned from this year's London Olympics

unless they have their own ticket.

That's right! Babies have been banned from the Olympics!

A lot of people are outraged, but come on!

Babies don't belong there.

Imagine the noise inside the stadium,

They do not react well to unusual sounds.

BABY GRIZZLES

MAN: Brr-rr-rr-rr-rr-rr!

Just leave them at home!

Put them in the bouncer and slam on some Johnny Cash!

MUSIC PLAYS

LAUGHTER

In fact, that's how me and my brother

are going to watch the Olympics.

MUSIC PLAYS

LAUGHTER

Some bizarre kid stories knocking around.

First of all, have you seen this?

A one-and-a-half-year-old baby signs a contract with a soccer club

after becoming a YouTube sensation.

His talent caught the attention of a Dutch football club VVV-Venlo,

who made him an attractive deal

and signed the tot to a ten-year contract.

A one-year-old professional footballer!

It's great. Take a look at his contract.

He's got exactly the same handwriting as Rooney!

Done!

You're probably thinking, I doubt he's that good.

He is! Check this out.

MATCH OF THE DAY THEME PLAYS

Wow! How cool is that?

That is...without doubt, the coolest way to tidy up ever.

"Get rid of the toys." "Done 'em, Mum, over there."

He's incredible! He can do that.

When I was his age, I just looked like a worm.

"Kick the ball, Russell."

"I can't!

"I can't even make my eyes point in the same direction!"

This has to be the weirdest animal story in the news.

Have you seen this sport?

It's a sport with no refs and no real rules,

just a pair of pants, a high pain tolerance and a ferret.

Three, two, one.

Drop that weasel!

It's called ferret legging.

I call it fucking madness!

"Anyone fancy a game of footy?"

"No, I'm going to put a weasel on my dick."

Imagine them coming home.

"How did you get on at the ferret legging?"

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-"Really well! I won!

"Although in many ways, I lost!"

In case there's someone out there

who wants to take part in this lunacy, check out the rules.

..Oh, yeah, and no underwear allowed.

No underwear?!

Ain't nobody got time for that!

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... #

The big sporting story of the weekend was the Grand National.

He's a half-length in front.

Neptune Collonges...

One of the closest races in Grand National history.

Neptune Collonges wins by a nose.

It was an incredible finish, but it wasn't a patch on this.

Born To Sea...

Oh, he put in a bad stride, he lost balance.

LAUGHTER

That is one photo finish you don't ever want to see.

Although he did win by a length.

Did you see the interview with the guy who trained the winning horse?

Probably the best horse we've run in the race.

Class form in placing Gold Cup, stays genuine.

What a letdown!

That's not how you celebrate winning a horse race. This is.

Congratulations.

-Thanks very much.

-It's fantastic!

Jeez, it's unreal, I can't believe it. I can't believe it.

I'll have fucking sex tonight and everything!

LAUGHTER

Yes, you will.

You lovely, horny little leprechaun.

Have you seen the moment the jockeys arrived?

The jockeys are waiting to make their way down the steps

through the crowd and into the paddock.

I can't believe nobody was tempted to play this music when they came out.

# Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-doo

I've got a perfect puzzle for you... #

It's great fun, you can even do it with the horses.

MUSIC: "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson

Here's a sport you don't see in the newspaper every day...

It's the Rabbit Grand National!

Before you get excited, that's rabbits as in, "Ah..."

-Not rabbits as in...

-HE MAKES VIBRATING NOISE

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's a very different kind of event.

"I'm winning, I'm winning!"

LAUGHTER

This is genuinely a story about the Rabbit Grand National.

Do you want to meet the woman

that trains the fastest rabbits in England?

'Maureen keeps international athletes in her garden shed.

'She's the UK's leading rabbit jumping trainer.

'Novice Roger the Belgian hare is having his first training session in Maureen's indoor arena...'

Wow!

She's got an indoor arena!

'..AKA, the hall.'

Mind you, I bet Roger's amazing.

'It's looking good, till the post arrives.'

Forget about Roger, he's a fucking joker!

This next guy is the real deal.

'Smudge is her prize champion.

'Look at that hopping action!

'Wait for it...wait for it, go on...

'It's thrilling.'

Damn right, it's thrilling -

it's the most incredible thing I've ever seen(!)

Nobody will out-jump Smudge, he's a legend!

Let's, let's, let's...

let's look at the pitiful dickheads taking the mighty Smudge on.

Fuck it, he'll make a lovely pair of slippers.

Now for the part of the show called The People's Podium.

We've asked the audience to bring interesting questions for me to try and answer.

Let's meet our first speaker on The People's Podium.

Big round of applause.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What's your question?

Olympic Torch bearer, I've been chosen to be one.

-Have you?

-Yeah.

-Sweet.

In the newspaper a couple of days ago,

I saw an article saying that those missiles they've put down on the council flats,

they're heat sensors, so there was a picture on there,

with an Olympic Torch bearer and a missile following him.

I need a word of confidence to help me out.

You're in real trouble!

So, they're heat-seeking missiles,

and you have to run past them...

with a fire.

LAUGHTER

-I've been trying to work on my speed!

-Yeah!

-LAUGHTER

-What we should do...

We should get someone like, I don't know, Jeremy Kyle,

to run in front of you with a flame, just to take the hit - wouldn't that be nice?!

When you feel it coming, duck, take it, and run!

But in fairness, the explosion would kill you too.

LAUGHTER

Hello! Bounding onto the stage, fantastic.

-What's your name?

-Mike.

-Mike. What's your question?

-I don't know if you saw,

but last week the Horse Badminton Trials was cancelled.

I didn't!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

# All around me are familiar... #

I didn't even know horses could play badminton!

So, the horse badminton was cancelled.

If you could watch any animal play any sport, what would it be?

It would absolutely be a sport I've invented this week,

called Throw The Dog At People You Hate.

LAUGHTER

-What's your name?

-TJ.

-Good name! What's your question?

How would you get the England team motivated?

How would I get the England team motivated? Simply put their wives in cages.

And...

threaten to release John Terry within the cage...

..unless they play well.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How about you?

I was thinking, Jubilee, get the Queen in a tracksuit, get her in training.

Get the Queen in a tracksuit?!

That's your plan to get the England team playing well(?)

-And do what with her?

-Have a kick-about, a warm-up.

You haven't thought this through, have you?

How would we get the Queen of this country in a tracksuit?

-She must have some in her wardrobe.

-Really?

-AS THE QUEEN:

-"The Kappa today, I believe.

"Philip, look at me, I'm going slag."

-LAUGHTER

-I doubt that's going to happen!

-Hey, mate.

-Hey.

-What's your name?

-My name is Reggie.

-Reggie.

-Yeah.

-Sweet. What's your question?

Sepp Blatter wants to get rid of penalties completely,

so what would be a better way of deciding matches

without penalties at all?

-Best way?

-Yeah.

It absolutely has to be a thumb war!

LAUGHTER A thumb war?

-You can't beat me in a thumb war, never.

-Oh, step to me!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Do you want to have a thumb war?

-OK.

You're definitely going to beat me. Ready?

BOTH: One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war!

Oh, yeah, oh, oh!

AUDIENCE SHOUTS AND CHEERS

-What's your name, my friend?

-Phil.

-What's your question?

Do you think darts should be an Olympic sport?

-Absolutely. In fact, darts players should be forced to wear Lycra!

-LAUGHTER

Wouldn't that be better?

Press the red button to see them get in and out of the Lycra.

-Would you like to see it as an Olympic sport?

-Yeah. Why not?

The only problem is,

when they win a medal, could they get up those steps?

Wouldn't that be wonderful to see somebody get a gold medal on a Stannah chairlift?!

Sit down, my friend. Thank you very much.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

If you have anything you want to ask me on the show, get in touch.

This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

It could be a mystery guest who's been in the news,

and I have to figure out who that person is.

Please welcome my mystery guest!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello.

-Hello.

-I'm Russell, nice to meet you. What's your name?

-Connie Adam.

-Sweet. I have to guess... So, there's a sword here.

Are you a fencer?

-Yes.

-Good.

LAUGHTER

-Kabaddi.

-Yes!

-Do you play kabaddi?

-I do!

-No clues.

-Wow! How deep is YOUR voice, from nowhere?!

And I'm not Mexican.

But I have been to Mexico.

Clearly!

I kind of like fencing teenagers, especially university students.

Why is that?

Because they think, "There's an old dear who's not going to move,"

and you stand there and hit them!

LAUGHTER

Can you give me any other clues?

-I'll just have to reveal myself.

-Right!

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

-I know who you are! You're Peter Shilton!

-That's right.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, mate. Nice to meet you.

Let's get it off.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I don't like that dress anyway.

Well, I think we can all figure out what will happen.

I'm getting beaten up again.

Can you show me what you do?

Quality, let's show you. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Nice!

Ooh!

You sexy little bastard!

Oh, oh! Oh, if I was a woman, I'd bang you right now.

This is literally my friend Karl's absolute fantasy in the room.

Can he come on and just face you?

Quickly, Karl, you'll love this. This is your dream.

Quickly, just before we go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Just run at him, he'll love it.

LAUGHTER

Go on, Karl!

Yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

He's going to try to kick it so hard that Karl's hair grows back.

Clapping the hands! To show we've got no weapons!

The lucky thing is, if I shit myself, I'm wearing a nappy.

Take a step forward and hit me.

I don't want to, it feels wrong!

You've never had a pair like this in your life!

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

Does anyone want to come out and play with them?

AUDIENCE MEMBERS SHOUT

Let's kabaddi it up!

They're holding hands, let's hold hands together.

Are you ready?

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

Yes!

-I've got to equalise, haven't I?

-You do.

-You know the game, Shilts.

-Ooh! Unbelievable save!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Unbelievable!

You'll be all right!

Stop it!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, stop it, you naughty boy!

I want to put you in a big Radox tub,

-treat you right, that's all I want to do!

-I'm liking that too!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

INDISTINCT SPEECH

Why do you always have to fight?

I can't get down there, I've got false knees! LAUGHTER

Somebody get me a cigarette!

That was nice, though.

You left me there for longer than you had to, didn't you?

-Well, you're such a nice boy.

-Yeah!

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Can I do a thing I've always wanted to do?

Yes, go on.

# Near, far... #

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

Ladies and gentlemen, Peter Shilton!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-And my friend, Steve Williams!

And Karl Minns!

Hope you enjoyed that, and enjoy the Olympics.

LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, it is Saturday night which means

it's time for my stand-up guest

so please welcome to the stage the wonderful Jarlath Regan.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Hello.

Yeah. I think we should start with a little bit of unsolicited relationship advice.

Fellas, I learned recently that if your lady ever squints

and smiles at the end of a sentence, that sentence ceases to be true.

The opposite is now the case. You might be familiar with these sentences.

They sound a bit like this. "Yes, you should go down to the pub,

"watch the football with the lads for the day. Have a little day for yourself down there.

"I will watch television by myself here because I love doing that."

LAUGHTER

That sentence is stricken from the record and we move forward.

Here is one for anyone, any relationship at all.

If somebody you know comes up to you and says, "I have got big news",

you should always put down the bag of crisps.

Because crisps are the worst food to eat

if you are attempting to look like you're taking a story seriously.

It is physically impossible. You can try. You can be like...

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

It simply can't be done. This is a vital piece of advice, fellas.

You need to listen up for this one.

If your lady ever asks you to apply fake tan all over her body,

you need to be aware that that may not be a positive experience.

You think it is going to be amazing.

The reality is that it is more like painting a house for an old lady.

It is the stress that is involved trying to get the coats even.

Trying not to miss a bit, trying to stay under budget. It's crazy.

Some of the shit that gets shouted at you in this situation,

where she is going, "Get the middle, get the middle.

"I can feel you're leaving streaks.

Sometimes she'd turn around, grab me by the throat and say,

"Are you trying to make me look like a fucking eejit?"

You feel like going, "No, I am just trying to get out of here by five o'clock.

"I'll be honest with you."

The first time she asks you to do it and she gets angry,

you think to yourself, everybody gets angry every now and then.

Give her a pass. The second time it happens you think to yourself,

I probably did do a shit job, let's face it.

I probably focussed on certain areas more than others.

The third time she asks you to do it

and she gets pissed off with you, you think, no, this is bullshit.

I have been practising on my legs. This is nonsense.

That was the night I went to my local comedy club, got on stage,

and issued the warning just like I have tonight,

if a woman ever asks you to apply fake tan all over her body it may not be a positive experience.

A man seated exactly where you are stood up and went,

"Fucking right it's not.

"Trying to explain three brown fingers to your friends."

Which is disgusting, yes, but true.

LAUGHTER

Before I started doing this for a living

I used to work as the IT helpdesk for my parents.

Oh, some other people in this role. It is not a job that you apply for.

You do not see an ad go up on the fridge or anything,

it's just your parents think you're waiting by the phone with the headset on

ready to deal with whatever queries they have about anything plugged in the house.

Usually the videocassette recorder in my parents' case. They're never getting a DVD player.

Always the video. These calls come at any hour of the day or night.

A 45-minute phone call about the videocassette recorder.

Just so we're clear I'm not being mean about my parents here,

I'll give you the abridged version of what I would be dealing with on my end of

the phone when my father would ring about the videocassette recorder.

This is a short version to give you a brief synopsis of what would

happen in one of these calls.

LAUGHTER

Sure. Sure. Yes.

OK. You have said that a few different ways. All right. Great. OK.

All right, Dad, what you want to do for me now

is check that it's turned on.

LAUGHTER

I am not being like anything.

I'm not being like anything.

I'm just saying that that has happened in the past.

OK, cool. Cool. If it's turned on

All you've got to do is press zero. Zero, on the TV remote control.

It's the smaller of the two.

LAUGHTER

There's not a lot in it. There's not a lot in it,

but it is definitely the smaller of the two remote controls. Zero.

I am not shouting. I am not shouting.

LAUGHTER

It is underneath the number eight.

I don't know why they put it there.

That is the tip of the iceberg, pal. I realised, you need to know this,

I realised in one beautiful moment we have no right to get

angry at our parents when they ask us questions about modern technology.

They come from a different era, folks.

They come from a time when alcohol was believed

to be a cure for most common ailments.

Including alcoholism.

There is technology in this room that would frighten a lot of your parents.

There's wireless internet in here.

They have no hope of ever understanding that.

Lights, four-legged chairs, all this shit, they're never going to fully get it

and I realised this in one beautiful moment.

It was the moment my father sent me

the first photo message he had ever sent in his entire life.

He had never sent a text before, so when my phone buzzed

and it said, "Photo message from Dad," my first reaction was,

"Oh, shit. My dad's phone has been stolen because there is no way..."

There WAS a way. What he had sent me was the most beautiful photo message

that has ever been sent in the history of the world.

What he'd sent me was a photo of a whiteboard

with some writing on it that read,

"Haven't quite figured out how to text on this phone just yet."

LAUGHTER

There's a baby boom on in Ireland. A massive baby boom,

which makes no sense to me because nobody has any money.

I think the reason why it's happening is

people misunderstood what the economists meant when they said,

"It won't be us that pays back this bailout, it'll be our kids."

My friends are so thick they thought to themselves, "I better get two of those little fuckers."

I, uh... I think my favourite part of doing this job

is trying out new material

and I always think it's polite to ask the audience about it before I do it.

I always say, "Who'd like to hear the new jokes?"

And most people go, "Yeah," so I take out a slip of paper.

One night I do this, a woman seated where you are goes,

"For fuck's sake," and I was like, "What's wrong?"

She goes, "Piece of paper," and I was like, "They're new jokes."

She goes, "Yeah - I know, I know. I just don't agree with it."

I was like, "What don't you agree with?"

She goes - this is true - this girl, she goes,

"You should have practised your jokes before you got here in front of a mirror at home."

Now, that is not how it works, OK?

And I was, like, trying to explain to her,

this activity is quite like sex in many ways.

You could stay at home and practice in front of the mirror all you like,

but you will never get an accurate reflection

of whether you are any good at the thing until you're in the live setting.

I didn't do the action on the night, I just added that now for the TV people at home.

But she was like, "I disagree. I disagree completely," and gets up to walk out.

At this point, the man next to her pulls her back into her seat.

I was like, "Who's this fella?" Turns out he's a first date.

LAUGHTER Yes. I believe that made this into a magical situation

because everybody in that room, just like everybody in this room,

fully understood at that moment the extent of the misery that man

was about to invite upon himself by pursuing this relationship.

This shit got all out of hand. She starts shouting at him.

I was like, "Well, what do you do for a living?" She goes, "I save lives for a living."

I was like, "What are you, a superhero or something?"

She was like, "No, I'm a nurse." Now, I have the height of respect for nurses. Who doesn't?

But "save lives for a living" is not the job description.

That is a by-product of what you do. That would be like a baker putting up his hand and going,

"My job is to prevent world hunger for a living."

That is not your job - that's a by-product of what you do.

So she gets all out of hand and she begins a shouting match,

I do get this story out of it that I start telling around and about.

It's like a ten-minute story about what she said to me and how it went back and forth.

I'm working out this story in a comedy club -

and this'll tell you how small Dublin is -

There's a kerfuffle five minutes in in the corner of the room.

She is at the gig with three of her nurse friends

and they're like, "It's her, it's her," and she's sitting there all proud as punch,

and I'm like, "Oh, shit. Oh, shit - I'm telling the story," and then I was like,

no, hang on - most of the time when you get heckled,

the heckler disappears and you never see them again.

Rarely do they reappear

when you are armed with a story of their insanity.

And I was like, "This... This is fantastic," because this is the juicy part -

a month previous when I'd been working out the joke,

a guy came up to me after a show and said,

"Do you know who I am?"

Which is a scary thing to be asked at the best of times.

He goes, "Do you know who I am?" I was like, "No, are you baker?"

He was like, "No. I was the first date."

I was like, "No way. How crazy was that girl?"

Which was a brave thing to ask because they could have still been in the relationship,

and I've never been so relieved to hear a man go, "Fucking mental, boy!"

I was like, "What happened? What happened?"

He goes, "Well, this is what happened, right.

"After the gig she's still banging on about how you shouldn't have had the paper on stage.

"We go downstairs down to the taxi rank outside.

"She goes, 'Are we heading home now?' I said, 'You get in that taxi, I'll get in this taxi.

"I'm going to have an early night, got work in the morning.'

"She disappears into the distance and I head back into the pub for the four pints that I'm entitled to."

Which is true - if you are on a crazy date with a crazy lady,

you are entitled to four pints to drown your sorrows.

He says, "I go back into the pub, I have the four pints. Take out my phone after half an hour -

"85 missed calls."

Yeah, that's properly crazy by anyone's definition.

That means she hit 55 and thought to herself, "I'll give him 30 more."

So here she is, back at this gig.

I'm armed with my story of her insanity.

I'm like, "How are you doing? I think I know somebody you know."

"Oh, yeah? Who's that?" "Do you know Paul McNally?"

And you know when somebody blushes and they just go a little bit pink,

but you know when they blush so much

that you can feel the heat from their face?

That's what happened here.

I could see the sweat coming off her,

and I suddenly became aware that I was a bully in this situation.

I'll tell you honestly, I'm not ashamed to admit it,

I wussed out completely, I didn't say it to her.

I just completely went, "OK, well have a great night."

And I regret it so much.

You've no idea how much I regret it.

I'll tell you why, because afterwards

her three friends came up to me and said, "That was mad,

"She was at that gig, and she was at this gig.

"It's a small world, it's mental!

"Do you know what the maddest part was?

"When you went on stage, she didn't recognise you,

"so when you put out your slip of paper she said to us,

"I fucking hate when they have a slip of paper!"

She learned nothing!

She learned nothing, and the next day

she has the gall to ask to be my friend on Facebook.

LAUGHTER

That is never happening.

There are two buttons on Facebook - "confirm" and "not now".

There needs to be a third one - "fuck off and die".

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thanks.

There's only one other person I've ever rejected.

It was a baldy Dublin taxi driver, who was so openly racist

that on his profile he listed his hobbies

as "anti-immigration policy."

How is that a hobby?

Like, what is he doing on Sunday afternoons?

Penning legislation that he hopes to see come into law.

His favourite quote was,

"If you can't pronounce his name, don't trust him."

LAUGHTER

Just flat-out racism, right?

I think I come here as an ambassador, as well as a stand-up comic.

Like I said, Ireland's in a bit of a situation,

I encourage you to visit the country,

cos we really need you to visit the country right now.

But I will say that there is every chance you will encounter

one of these racist taxi drivers, OK?

So you just need to be prepared

that they may start a conversation with you in a taxi

where they will begin the conversation with this sentence

"Did you hear what the foreigners are up to now?"

LAUGHTER

Which is a great opening conversation starter.

But you will learn that that means, "Once upon a time..."

Because what's about to follow is a racist fairytale

that he has concocted from whatever crazy phone-in shows he listens to.

This is word of God, one taxi driver started a conversation with me

with that sentence, saying, "Did you hear what the foreigners are up to now?

"They're breaking into the apartments that they can't sell

"and changing the locks for themselves.

"They can't get them out of those apartments and now they own them.

"50% of those black lads you see out there

"are living in apartments they don't actually own,

"they've claimed them for themselves using a crowbar."

What do you usually do in that situation?

You look in the mirror and go...

"Yeah, I heard about that, that was dreadful."

I don't think it's good enough.

I think we have a moral obligation to give them a more racist,

more fantastical fairytale of our own, in the hope

that they will hear it and go, "That sounds like bullshit to me,"

and you go, "Exactly."

So this is the fairytale I've concocted,

you're free to have it when you're in Dublin, you can use this.

Here it is, let him finish his story, you go, "That's bleeding nothing,

"do you know what I heard the foreigners are up to now?

"They're going down to the rivers, lakes and canals of this country

"and they are plucking the feathers off the swans."

LAUGHTER

"They then go home with the feathers and paste them all over themselves.

"They then go back down to the rivers, lakes and canals

"and they get in and start posing as swans.

"All elegant and shit, laugh all you like, it's happening.

"This is the bit that makes me sick

"50% of those swans you see in that canal are not swans,

"they're black fellas dressed up as swans.

"And the innocent people of Ireland are throwing them bread!

"And you know what the foreigners are doing with that bread?

"They're not eating it.

"They're fucking gathering it up and selling it back to us in Lidl,

"that's what they're doing."

That's my gift to you, that is my gift to you.

I will say, I've only had the guts to say that story once to a taxi driver.

I had several pints on board, I don't know if he did, as well,

but I swear to God, he looked back at me in the mirror and went,

"I'd well fucking believe it, I'd well believe it."

Thank you very much, everybody, I hope you had a great night.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, Jarlath Regan!

Thank you, very much, for watching Good News.

Have a fantastic weekend, good night.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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