Episode 8 Russell Howard's Good News Extra

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

And welcome to Good News. So, what's been happening?

I tell you what, Bill Turnbull knows how to make a woman feel good.

-I'm so old.

-I know.

It gets worse. I think he's going to kill her.

I'm getting the gloves on.

-I'm a bit alarmed.

-Yeah!

Nick Owen wins my award for Most Animated Eyebrows of the Week.

The hip-hop crews have been perfecting their routines ahead...

Over on BBC Breakfast, Giles Coren described his oral sex technique.

GOBBLING

Here's a tip, if you're going to pose as a superhero,

make sure there's not a kid behind you.

Katie is at a school in Hull.

Morning! Where's your costume?

So, what's been happening? Well, Jesus Christ, it's been hot.

-Scorching temperatures.

-Slap on that sunscreen.

Wall-to-wall sunshine.

-82F.

-A scorcher.

It's barbeque weather and it's very dangerous.

I love it when it's hot. Do you know what I love most?

The reaction of British men.

-YORKSHIRE ACCENT:

-"I don't need sun cream.

"Bring it on!"

Four hours later - "Sandra, can you help me?!

"Ah, ah, ah. I look like a pork scratching.

"I think one of the lads has put something on me back."

So, how did the BBC convey the heat?

Did they show kids swimming? Sunbathers in the park?

No, they showed this.

But for most, the sunshine has been welcome.

A lion licking a lolly?!

I've watched many wildlife documentaries.

I have never once seen a lion with a Calippo.

"What's wrong with you?" "Ice-cream headache."

Mind you, if they get a taste for lollies,

it's going to change nature shows.

-IMITATES DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:

-Here we see the mighty lion, basking in the Serengeti sun.

ICE-CREAM VAN CHIMES

My favourite thing to do in the sun? Get down the beach.

Sometimes you see stuff that makes you go, "Damn."

Sometimes you see stuff that makes you go, "No!"

And sometimes you see things that make you go, "What?!"

What else? Well, it was the Eurovision this week.

Britain's entrant was Engelbert Humperdinck.

This guy had high hopes.

He's my neighbour, he lives just up the lane from me.

I taught him all he knows. And he was fantastic!

Come on, Enge! Come on! You're going to win!

You're going to win, man! Come o-n-n-n-n-n!

How did he get on?

Veteran crooner Engelbert Humperdinck came second from last.

Eh-eh!

It's such a weird name, innit? Engelbert Humperdinck.

It sounds like something Harry Potter shouts when he comes.

"Sorry, Hermione, I've Humperdincked all over your broom."

As ever with the Eurovision, there was some quality nutters.

Lithuania's song was called Love Is Blind.

So, what did the singer put on his face so we could understand his complex lyrics?

# Love is blind... #

If he does that for Love Is Blind, it's a good job he wasn't singing Sex On Fire.

"Argh! I've burnt my Humperdinck!"

It gets weirder. Macedonia appeared to be obsessed with this lady.

Kay Burley.

You think I'm joking? Listen to this.

SOUNDS LIKE: # No, no, Kay Burley I love Kay Burley. #

# No, no, Kay Burley I love Kay Burley-eeh... #

# Chillax, Kay Burley I like Bill Turnbull! #

-I am so old!

-I know.

Jedward caused a stir by jumping in a fountain.

# This is bound to go down as the big one. #

Jedward.

That water was powerful stuff. Look what it did to them.

-Whatever we do.

-We always...

My favourite contestants were definitely these ladies.

One of the most popular acts of the evening

were the group nicknamed "The Russian Grannies".

They had a combined age of 484.

Between you and me, I think someone spiked their Horlicks.

THEY SING IN RUSSIAN

That came second!

CHEERING

It's amazing.

They're not even singing, they're just making biscuits in a rave!

Mind you, the old lady in the middle is brilliant.

She doesn't want to go on tour. Check out the reason why.

TRANSLATION: If I'm away, who's going to milk the cow?

In sporting news, it's getting closer.

It's only 60 days to go until the Olympics.

One of the big talking points is, of course, the opening ceremony.

In Beijing, they had this...

Wow!

So what are we going to have?

London's will involve schoolchildren, NHS nurses, some fake rain,

a nod to British pop culture and a giant bell.

Yay.

Nurses, rain and a giant bell?!

That's not an opening ceremony, that sounds like one of my brother's pornos.

I have said it before, I will say it again.

Here is what the opening ceremony should be,

we simply pump this man full of acid and watch him!

LAUGHTER

CHEERING

Look at him!

That's an opening ceremony we would all watch, right, lamb?

Yeah.

Amazing scenes at the Olympic Stadium,

Boris Johnson is off his tits.

He has just eaten the Olympic Bell.

What is that he is saying?

Engelbert Humperdinck?

Oh, no! It has gone everywhere, Boris!

Whatever the opening ceremony is, I can't wait.

I've got tickets for the gymnastics.

I'm not interested in pirouettes, I'm going for moments like this...

Let's be honest, there is something truly magical about a cock-up.

Take your marks.

But, if there are any athletes watching, remember,

if you do make a mistake, it is all about the recovery.

Elsewhere, sad news about a TV legend.

To explain the story, it's Kay Burley.

The inventor of the zapper, the doofer, the turner-overer,

or the television remote control, has died at the age of 96.

Apparently they will bury him down the back of the sofa!

I heard that the doctors tried to resuscitate him

by taking his batteries out, blowing on them and putting them back in.

I should not take the piss, the guy is a legend.

Thanks to him I can switch off shit like this...

Shut up!

Fuck off!

CHEERING

What is strange about the TV remote, everyone has a different name for it.

My mum has the weirdest, you know what she calls it?

"The Dong".

We are used to it, but when we have a guest, it is hilarious.

You should have seen the look of fear in my mate's eyes

when she said, "Here, Steve, give me the Dong."

Mind you, should have seen the look of fear on her face when he did!

Next up, meet the world's oldest gamer. She's incredible.

I am just 100 years old,

I don't feel a day over 80.

I try to keep my brain active by playing on my Nintendo.

She's great, isn't she? Well done, give her a round of applause.

Amazing. It gets better, they cover the story in The Sun.

Check out the first post on the message board?

How lovely is that? Wouldn't it be great if she said,

"No thanks, love, I'm a Pro Evo girl."

"Fifa is for dicks."

She's great.

The only person who can play Call Of Duty and say,

"Oh, I remember that."

"See that building, that's where I met your grandad.

"He had a lovely Humperdinck."

It makes you think, though.

If pensioners can play computer games,

we should design one just for them.

Eat shit and die!

Gran Theft Auto!

From one badass to another. Check out this headline...

"You picked the wrong Nissan Micra, shithead."

"I'm so tough, Werther's chew ME."

So many stories about grannies fighting crime,

makes you think, maybe the police should employ them.

I ain't saying nothing.

Oh, really? Bring out the Enforcer.

I understand you won't confess.

Jog on, grandma!

Who are you calling grandma?

I did it! I did it!

Nice work, Enforcer.

Fuck you!

What else? Well, huge news for ladies!

It's been the topic of both heart-felt

and heated conversations, the so-called G-spot.

Dr Adam Ostrzenski, a Florida gynaecologist, claims it is real,

and that he has found it.

So someone else has found it too!

The female G-spot, which promises orgasm upon orgasm,

has been discovered by a doctor in Florida.

Basically, it is the orgasm equivalent of Pringles -

once you pop, you cannot stop.

But before you get excited, ladies...

..look where he found it.

What the fuck is wrong with that doctor?!

She's dead, she's not a wrinkly sex doll!

I mean, who looks for the G-spot on an 83-year-old woman?!

-I'm getting the gloves on!

-I'm a bit alarmed.

Yeah!

That woman's funeral will be fantastic!

-SOBS:

-I can't believe she's gone.

Nan?!

Over to Japan, and a bloke with a very strange hobby.

In the suburbs of Tokyo, those who don't believe

man evolved from apes, might find the proof that they need.

His name is Kenichi Ito -

a man so obsessed with monkeys, he has mastered their running style.

He pretends to be a monkey.

Let's hope he doesn't drink like them.

If any of you are thinking about learning to run like an ape,

here is a tip, don't practise in the woods.

I went in the mountains for about a month

on a kind of four-legged training camp

but on the first day, a hunter mistook me for a wild boar

and he tried to shoot me.

It's probably his dad.

"Why can't you get a proper job?"

"Your sister's a lawyer, you're pretending to be a gibbon!"

It isn't just monkeys. Look what else this lunatic does.

When he's not monkeying around,

he practises the running style of other four-legged creatures.

In fairness, we've all pretended to be a dog.

No-o-o!

No-o-o!

APPLAUSE

I don't know about you,

but I'd say that's the best sketch I've ever done. Right, lamb?

Yeaaaah!

Some great crime stories in the news.

Have you seen the way they're trying to protect shops in Nottingham?

A number of stores have seen break-ins

but intruders now have something new to fear.

So, what are they using? Lasers? Armed guards?

Oh, no.

If someone were to break into this property here,

then the fog would come out of it

and it would fill the room with fog.

A fucking fog machine!

Behold its mighty power!

This is what intruders would face.

"No!"

"It's so misty!"

"Quick, before they release the drizzle!"

I tell you what, this is going to change police line-ups.

-Just take your time.

-OK.

It was him! The one in the middle.

From fog to filth.

A policeman in America has been touching himself on the job.

He was supposed to be supervising other officers in the field,

but our 4 On Your Side team has obtained some video

that shows the Santa Fe police sergeant sitting in his vehicle

having a very graphic sexual conversation with himself.

Well, that is the poshest description of a wank ever.

"What are you doing?"

"Mother, please, I'm having a sexual conversation with myself.

"Watch out, I'm about to punctuate.

"Oh! Semicolon."

It's just great, this story. This pervy policeman left his radio on,

so all of the other coppers back at the station heard this...

First you hear moans, then the unmistakable sound of a zipper.

Busted!

I bet they destroyed him.

"All right, Dave? Heard you got your truncheon out." "Fuck off!"

It gets worse. Apparently, he was watching porn on his phone

and judging by this recording, he was clearly enjoying it.

Here is a sample of what he is saying.

I tell you what, the woman he was watching was livid.

Ain't nobody got time for that!

She was livid!

Now, from one insane crime story to another.

If you think you get a bit angry when you're driving,

you have got NOTHING on this.

It can be a real struggle to find parking in San Francisco,

but police tonight say one driver BIT another over a particular spot.

She bit a woman

over a parking space.

Ain't nobody got time for that!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

It gets better...

This has to be the greatest reaction ever to being bitten.

I don't know, why she would bite me?

I wouldn't understand why anyone would bite anyone,

unless you were hungry.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now it's time for my special Mystery Guest. It's a treat.

The production team have found me someone special to interview,

and I have to find out who it is. So please welcome my Mystery Guest!

MEXICAN MUSIC

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Are you that really cool cartoon mouse?

-No clues.

-Oh, wow! How deep is YOUR voice from nowhere?

And I'm not Mexican.

But I have been to Mexico.

Well, clearly.

Um, OK. So, you've been to Mexico

and it has Mexico '86.

As a football fan, it suggests you're a footballer.

Are you a footballer?

I like to play safe, that's the clue.

You like to play safe? Oh, my God! I know who you are.

You're Peter Shilton.

That's right.

Pleased to meet you, how are you?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'll just try and get this thing off.

-Am I right in saying you are the most capped England player?

-Yes, the most capped England player.

-How many was it?

-125 caps.

CHEERING

Played in three World Cups

-and I think we have a VT to show.

-Let's have a look at you in action.

MUSIC: "Jump Around" by House of Pain

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much for coming on.

A pleasure. Nice to be here.

Is it true that when you were young -

this is because I'm a football nerd -

-is it true you used to hang from the banisters to stretch your arms?

-Unfortunately, it was true.

-Is that because you weren't tall enough to be...

-That's right.

As a youngster, very young, sort of the age of 10,

-I wanted to be a goalkeeper. I wasn't growing.

-Yeah.

So I tried to do as much as I could.

One day, I hung from the banisters at home. My mother pulled on my ankles.

Unbelievable, cos what I assumed, I have an image of you hanging

and your mum coming home and going, "Peter, what are you doing?"

But I love the fact that your mum went, "Good idea,"

-and started...

-She always did what I told her.

Good job you weren't a porn star. Imagine if your mum caught you then.

"Pull, pull."

So, please, please, tell me we're going to do some penalties.

We are doing some penalties,

but it's going to be a bit different as I've injured my shoulder.

So, I can't dive round at the moment.

You're going to go in goal,

and I've heard that you're a very good goalkeeper,

because, obviously, we've got the name and the number one.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Let's do this.

CHEERING

First thing about goalkeeping is you've got to get your weight right.

So, bend the knees, get the shoulders forward,

get the hands together.

That's it. Get the knees like that. That's it! Good. Head forward.

That's it, yeah.

If you've got a penalty to take, walk out to them like this,

and you can look 'em in the eyes and say,

-"What lovely eyes you've got."

-OK.

LAUGHTER

Can it be any sexual turn-on, or does it have to be the eyes?

-It's entirely up to you, yeah.

-Sweet.

Nice dick, mate! Let's do this!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh-h!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-You haven't said how good my eyes look.

-Your eyes are beautiful.

-Thank you.

-Your thighs are great!

-Oh!

-Yay! CHEERING

Quality. Thanks, man.

-Now, you're not allowed to go in goal, are you?

-I can't cos of my shoulder, no.

Can I bring on my friends to play?

God, that made me sound like I was seven!

But please, let me bring my friends out. They'll love his!

Stevie, Carl, come out, my friends! My friends!

-CHEERING

-My glorious friends!

Stevie, get in goal.

-Try and get in the middle if you can.

-Spot-on!

LAUGHTER

It always helps!

"Ain't nobody got time for that!"

CHEERING

CHEERING

Now, let's play the game.

Pete, we'll play the game we've been playing in the courtyard.

Right, come on, fellas. Carl, you're in.

Now, the aim - you've to hit someone's arse.

APPLAUSE

-Oh-h-h!

-CHEERING

Cracker.

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for my Mystery Guest, Peter Shilton!

-CHEERING

-And my friend Steve Williams...

and Carl!

Have you seen the latest subject kids are being taught in school?

Hands flat like this.

Onto the person's back.

'These Year Fours are learning a new subject.

'It's their first-ever massage class.'

LAUGHTER

Eight-year-old kids are learning to MASSAGE!

How weird is that? Apparently it calms them down.

The last thing kids need is help falling asleep.

What self-respecting eight-year-old boy is going to touch a girl?

"You want me to what?

"On a girl?!

"That is s-o-o gay!"

I'm off to the boys' toilets to see who can wee the highest!

It wouldn't have calmed me down.

If I touched a girl when I was eight, it would've freaked me out.

"MUM! I touched Sarah, now my winkie's turned to stone!"

-SHOUTS:

-"Look at it!"

Then again, maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe massage is a great idea.

I mean, some kids REALLY need to chill out.

MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND

That isn't the oddest education story.

Apparently, the key to revision is SLEEPING.

According to research...

If that's true, this lot haven't slept for weeks.

These are all GENUINE exam answers.

LAUGHTER

This is my favourite. This is incredible.

-Wonderful.

-APPLAUSE

Here's the touching story about Dan Blake and the reason

he's carrying the Olympic torch.

'Dan and four-year-old Joshua

'are paying close attention

'to the progress of the Olympic torch.'

And that's what Daddy's going to wear. That outfit.

-What that man's wearing.

-Wow!

THEY LAUGH

'Dan is one of the 8,000 people who will carry the Olympic flame

'because of his response to the cruellest thing which can happen

'to a young family.'

Hi, Daddy. Say, "Hi, Daddy."

'Nicki Blake was just 33 when she died.

'A misdiagnosed stomach pain after giving birth to Joshua

'was actually pancreatic cancer.

'By the time it was diagnosed, it was too late.

'Dan has set up a charity called Nicki's Smile to help fund research.'

Breast cancer, lung cancer,

prostate, testicular -

they've all had phenomenal improvements in survival rates

over the last ten, 20 years.

And that can be put down to one thing - investment in research.

'In its first year, they've already raised a quarter of a million pounds,

'which is why Dan has been nominated to carry the Olympic torch.

'What do you think Nicki would make of it all?'

'I mean, I think she'd be very proud.

'The sole reason I'm carrying it is for her.'

It being a flame, being a light, you know, an eternal light for her.

I think she'd be very proud.

-Pretty awesome, eh?

-CHEERING

Now, it's time for my stand-up guest.

We've got something very special. This lady is EXCELLENT.

She's performed all over the world, she's very funny.

Please welcome to the stage, the brilliant Nina Conti-i-i!

CHEERING

Hello! Thank you!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I've brought my granny with me in this bag.

And she's very much based on my own granny who lived in Edinburgh.

I'll just get her out the bag.

-Gran, you ready?

-(GRANNY VOICE) Yes, dear.

-OK, when you're ready, come on out.

-Oh! Oh, that's lovely!

Fresh air!

OK, good. Let's get your arm out.

-Ooh, I've got an arm?

-Yes.

Terrific stuff! Look at that!

Happy days!

And the other arm. Here's your other arm.

Oh, Nina, the elbow bends the other way, dear!

Sorry about that.

And I've got a finger that points. Look at that.

-What am I pointing at?

-I don't know.

The shoes of a whore.

OK, let's get your... Granny!

-Get your legs.

-Right.

Oh, is that the left or the right?

I'm not actually sure.

Oh, the anticipation!

LAUGHTER

There! It was the right!

-Oh, and they were crossed.

-Well, no.

Just let this bag fall.

-Right you are, dear.

-Just let that go.

-Yes, as you like it.

-Don't feel you have to hang on, it's going.

-Oh, that's a terrible feeling.

-What is?

When something falls out your backside.

LAUGHTER

-So are you well?

-Yes, yes, I'm very well.

Can you clear the frog in my throat?

-NINA COUGHS

-Thank you very much.

So how was your flight over?

-Oh, it was deadly.

-Really?

Oh, talk about cramped! But it was cheap.

Right. What was it, a budget airline?

-No, I got the DHL.

-Oh, right.

You should have seen the look on the woman's face at the post office,

as she thrust me into the package, you know?

-Bent double, head down.

-Right.

It was not an envelope she wanted to lick shut.

No, that's awful. But you got here.

I'm very happy, yes.

So who have we got here?

Well, this is the audience.

-Oh, look at them! Russell Howard's little fans!

-Yes!

And what about you, sir? In the T-shirt, there. What do you like?

"I like..." what? Under your folded arms, what does that say?

I like the way you move.

Oh, you like... It says that he likes the way you move.

Oh! Thank you very much!

LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING

Thank you very much! What's your name, dear?

-Lee.

-Lee, what do you do, dear?

I've just graduated drama school.

You've graduated drama school? Congratulations!

Congratulations to Lee!

What a hopeless profession you've decided to join!

Could you join me on the stage for a second, Lee?

Can we give it up for Lee, please?

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Oh, look at you there! You're so handsome, dear.

You remind me of my late husband.

Why's that, Gran?

Cos you've got the same look of well-meaning reluctance

that he had on his face for much of our marriage.

And if it's OK, Lee, I'd like to channel my late husband through you.

-Yes.

-Is that all right, Lee?

-Let's do it.

-Let's do it, he says.

-"I like the way you move."

-OK, so, what are you going to do?

How do we get...Frank, was his name?

-Frank was his name.

-Just tell us a little bit about him.

-Well, Frank was a comedian.

-Right, and what did he do?

Jokes, dear, jokes.

-Lots of very topical jokes all about the war.

-Right.

-And then, sadly, the war ended.

-OK.

Now, we're going to get Frank here

and we're going to put Frank into Lee?

That's the idea. Let's see how it goes. Frank?

Frank?

I'd like you to enter this gentleman here.

In any manner that you see fit.

On the count of three.

One... Two... Three...

Pshhhhww!

-Wow!

-Now that was fantastic!

I never saw Frank moving like that in my married life!

OK, so, do you think he's there? Did you feel something?

-Yeah!

-You did?

Oh, this is looking up!

He slips in like a thief in the night, does he not?

-He does.

-So how do you know? I mean, I'm not sure I believe it.

Well, I'm going to ask a couple of questions

that only Frank knows the answer to,

to verify that he's in you.

OK, go on then. Ask the questions.

I will, dear. If you'll let me.

Now, what is my maiden name?

James.

James, it is indeed!

Unusual to have a first name as a surname.

Not that unusual.

And James is quite a common name, so I'll ask another question,

if you don't mind.

-You've got a tattoo, haven't you, Frank?

-Yes, I do.

What's your tattoo of, dear?

It's an archery... It's a bow and arrow and an archery board.

It's a bow and arrow and an archery board.

Indeed it was!

He had that on his arse!

I was always tempted to throw a wee dart at it!

I'm very glad to know you're here, Frank.

So could you tell us, where did you put the key to the spare room, dear?

-The key to the spare room? Under the flowerpots.

-Oh, that's good.

It may be too late. I haven't seen the dog for months.

-LAUGHTER

-That's awful!

-Can you get the blindfold, Nina?

-OK.

The blindfold's in the bag. Is that all right?

Oh, just wish me luck when she bends down.

Oh!

You OK there, Gran?

I got to know myself very well, dear.

-You got it?

-I've got it. It was a successful trip!

So here is the blindfold. Tell everybody what you want to do.

-Well, Nina's going to put the blindfold on me.

-Right.

And then you're going to hold up a certain amount of fingers.

And I shall tell you all how many fingers he's holding up.

Very good, Gran. OK, I've got it.

All right. So can you see?

Yes, I can still see.

OK, down there like that. Is that good?

Oh, that's dark as death itself!

A wee taste of what's to come soon.

OK. You all right?

Yes, very well, dear.

OK, now, Lee, can you hold up any amount of fingers

between one and ten so the whole audience can see, please?

OK, he's going to do it now. He's doing it now.

-He's doing it now.

-OK?

How many fingers is he holding up?

-He held up four fingers and a thumb!

-He did! Very well...

-Thank you very much!

-Well done, Gran!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, dear. Why don't you try?

Cos I'm not telepathic.

I'll help you out, dear. I'm a clairvoyant.

I've got a horrible feeling that once I put this on,

you might not be any more.

-Just hurry up, dear. You might be losing them.

-OK!

Now, Lee, over on the stage over there, there's a notepad

-and a pen, or a piece of paper. Can you see that, dear?

-Yes, I can.

Can you go and get that, dear?

Is he going to get it?

I've no idea.

I'm not even sure he's still on stage with us.

Lee, are you here?

-Yes, I am.

-He's there. Good.

OK, verbal communication is reassuring to us at this point.

So what do you want him to do?

I'd like him to write a word.

Lee, can you write a word on that note card?

Any word from your mind.

Does it have to be funny?

No, dear. Just spell it right and write it large.

-Is he doing it?

-I've no idea.

Can you show the word to everyone in the room?

-Gran, I hope you saw it.

-Um...well,

just tell us what it said, dear.

Oh, God! I've got no idea.

Granny?

No, not judging from the muted response.

Um...

-Tattoo?

-No. No.

I don't think he's got that kind of knowledge or structure, dear.

Really, I don't know.

Just go through all the words you know, dear.

-We'll get it by a process of elimination.

-Oh, I don't know, Gran.

-I have no idea.

-Ach, I'll tell you.

-It's something that you row, row, row your...

-Boat?!

-Yes.

-Yes, that's it, dear.

-Was that it?

That was it.

Round of applause! Thank you!

Oh, thank you for the clue. Thank you very much, Lee.

Lee, you have been an absolute joy and a pleasure,

and it's time for you to sit down.

You can take that with you as a wee memento.

-Thank you so much, Lee.

-Let's give it up for Lee.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, Gran, so...it's time for you to get back in the bag.

-Oh, really? OK. Just bundle me in.

-OK.

Don't stand on ceremony.

-I don't want to be a burden to you.

-You wouldn't be.

You can just take me to that nice place in Switzerland any time, dear.

I'm not going to do that! My God!

So whenever you're ready, Gran.

-Right you are, dear.

-OK.

Warm enough?

-Warm as toast.

-OK.

Happy days. I'm a little worried I'm going to catch my nose on the zip.

Can you fold your nose?

-Fold my nose?!

-Can you fold it?

Indeed I can. Thank you.

That was Granny! Thank you very much.

Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Now, I'm always sort of hunting for the prefect puppet

and I need another volunteer,

and I wonder if I could... if I can borrow you on the end.

-What's your name?

-It's Luke.

Luke?

-Luke, yeah.

-What do you do, Luke?

-I'm a student.

-You're a student? Excellent.

Can we give it up for Luke, please? Come on up.

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

Now, could you stand on that side of me?

So, Luke, I'm just going to give you a slight makeover

with this mask here.

Take your glasses off. Thank you.

-Can you see?

-Yeah.

Now, this is just a simple mask

that's going to take the heat off you. Are you all right?

All right. Are you comfortable?

-Oh, yes, I'm loving it.

-OK.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

-Ha-ha! This is classic!

-OK.

I wasn't expecting this!

-So, um, Luke...

-Yes, yes.

-Are you happy to be here? You're OK?

-Yes, I'm delighted with the way things are going so far.

OK, good.

-Yes. In fact, I'm really glad you got me up here.

-Why's that, Luke?

Because I'd like to show you all my dance moves.

CHEERING

-Are you sure?

-Yes.

All my life, I've been waiting for an opportunity like this.

I think the world is ready to see my dancing.

Are you sure? Are you sure you want to dance?

Yes, I'm absolutely sure.

Cos you can sit down any time you want.

I'm not sitting down!

-Not till I've done my dancing.

-OK.

Because your...your body language suggests

that you might not want to dance.

No, I really can't wait!

I'm fantastically excited.

I just put my hands in my pockets to conserve energy...

..for when the moves start to come thrusting out of me.

Are you sure? Cos you have free speech.

You exercise your right to free speech.

-No, absolutely no need for that. I'm very happy to dance.

-OK.

Well, whenever you're... I'm so sorry.

Don't be sorry. I'm loving it.

They want you to, they want you to, but if you don't feel like it, you don't have to.

-No, I think some music might help.

-OK. Well, we can give you music.

Hit the music! MUSIC STARTS

-Is that good?

-Yes, that's excellent.

It's not too weird?

-No, gypsy is my favourite genre.

-OK. Well, as long as you're sure.

-Yes, it's my favourite song.

-OK. Whenever you're ready.

I'm just waiting for the chorus.

-I'm not sure there is one.

-Oh, OK.

-It's this bit.

-All right.

No, not this bit. It's the next bit.

-Listen, you can sit down.

-I'm NOT sitting down!

-I feel cruel!

-No, I love you, Nina! Carry on as long as you like.

-All right, fine.

-Yes, I'm going to show you all my left-hand waving.

-Your left hand? Yes, that would do.

-That's a start. There you go.

-That's good. They like it.

-You want to see the other hand?

-Yeah, they want to see the other hand.

-Yeah, here's the other hand.

-That's lovely!

-Thank you! Thank you very much.

-So, that's your dancing?

-Yes. It's minimalist.

-It's good!

-It's coming... Oh, yeah!

I love it!

Check it out!

Check it out, check it out! They love it!

-That's brilliant.

-Thank you.

-I'm enjoying myself now.

-That was wonderful.

I feel liberated!

-Oh, the inner joy came out of me in the end.

-Thank you so much.

You were brilliant.

-What's your name again?

-Luke.

Luke? Give it up for Luke! Amazing!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And thank you.

Thank you very much for having me. I've been Nina Conti. Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Nina Conti!

Thank you very much for watching Good News. Good night, my friends!

Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE