Episode 7 Russell Howard's Good News Extra

This programme contains very strong language.

This programme contains adult humour.

Hello and welcome to Good News. I tell you what,

it doesn't take much to distract Dan Lobb.

The Culture Secretary is now on borrowed time, and...

Oh, Morrissey tickets available for Manchester in July!

He's great. It can be absolutely anything...

Gorgeous, step outside and think...

My script is the same colour as your top.

Here's a question...

what is Peter Levy doing under his desk?

350th birthday of...

Either my telly's broken, or there's been some big changes at Sky News.

This is Sky News, with Eamonn Holmes.

Good morning.

You look different, Eamonn!

Finally, this has to be my favourite reaction to winning a competition EVER.

Is that Jae?

-Jae.

-Jae.

Jae Grumley, this is Mel and Kochie from Sunrise.

Would you like 10,000 on this Thursday morning?

Are you fucking serious?!

So, what has been going on?

Everyone's favourite royal was back in the news.

Prince Philip left Royal well-wishers aghast

after a comment about a woman's chest during the Queen's Jubilee tour.

Damn right. Did you hear what he said?

The Duke was on a Royal walkabout when he came to council worker Hannah Jackson,

whose red dress had a zip running down the front.

He told the police officer standing next to him,

"I would get arrested if I unzipped that dress."

-AS PRINCE PHILIP:

-Hello! Can I unzip your dress?

Hey, copper, how many years if I do the motorboat?

That wasn't his only gaffe of the day.

He also met a lady in a wheelchair, wearing a foil blanket.

What did he say to her?

You look like a baked potato! Look, Liz, she's in a wheelchair!

It's meals on wheels!

Can I unzip YOUR dress?

That wasn't the only royal news. Did you see this?

I think we all know who bought them.

350th birthday...

Elsewhere in Britain,

have you seen how the government are trying to help parents?

David Cameron told parents he wants to make life easier for them.

From today, new parents will be able to sign up to a service

so that they get regular e-mails and texts about looking after their baby.

Yeah, that's exactly what you need -

text messages from David Cameron telling you how to raise your kids.

Imagine the useful advice a Tory millionaire will give you.

Thanks, Dave! It isn't just messages. Look what else they're offering.

Support via text and e-mail is offered alongside vouchers for parenting classes.

Parenting classes! To be honest, some people need them.

This is not how you put your kid to sleep.

Daddy!

Can you imagine how patronising the classes would be? Morning, everyone!

This is a nice cake for a baby.

This is a bad cake.

Let's face it, you can teach parents all you want,

ultimately, kids make their own decisions.

Repeat after me.

Dad.

-Dad.

-Ga.

-Dad.

-Ga.

-Dad.

-Dad.

-Dad.

Dad.

-Who's your favourite?

-Mum.

The big news in sport was all about the Flame.

-The Olympic Flame.

-The Olympic Flame.

-The Olympic Flame.

-The Olympic Flame.

You run that flame, baby!

The flame had to be flown from Greece.

So, who looked after it on the plane?

Very Posh and Becks.

I love that photo. It looks like Beckham is going, "Who is this dick?!"

And Boris is going, "I like the sun and the sun likes me!"

I bet Boris was a nightmare on the plane.

-AS BORIS:

-"Becks, let's use the flame to light our farts!"

-AS BECKHAM:

-"Not now, I'm trying to watch a film."

"I hope they find him.

"Poor little fish."

It's a Finding Nemo joke.

I love how people welcome the flame. In Cornwall, they went big.

In Devon, they just got a local nutter.

Finally in this section, celebrities have been trying to stop obesity.

Chef Jamie Oliver and footballer Steven Gerrard say the pride of hosting

the Olympic Games has been tainted by the fact that Britain

is officially the fattest nation in Europe.

Damn straight. It's already affected our gymnasts.

Our swimmers aren't much better.

On the bright side, at least we're not as bad as the Americans.

Have you seen what the Indonesian government are doing to stop people

riding on top of trains?

In most countries, fare-dodging will get you a fine.

In Indonesia, it gets you this.

If they go on the roof, they get a metal ball to the face.

-Ain't nobody got time for that!

-CHEERING

We think we've got it bad. "My train was delayed!"

They get happy-slapped by robot bollocks!

It gets even weirder. Look at the reason why they are doing it.

According to statistics,

riding on the roofs of trains killed 11 people in Indonesia last year.

They are trying to stop the risk of death by increasing the risk of death.

"How can we stop them dying?" "Let's kill them."

Maybe metal balls would be good over here.

TINNY DANCE MUSIC PLAYS FROM HEADPHONES

CHEERING

From scary trains to the freakiest wedding ever.

A unique wedding in Seattle this afternoon, as people came

together to witness the union of a woman and a building.

A woman married a building! She must love watching Grand Designs.

Oh, God!

My ass! Look at the brickwork!

Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet. I don't even know what that is.

She is obsessed. Did you see her wedding vows?

She even did a little song.

# I cleaned your rooms, washed your floors

# Built community and opened some doors... #

# I dusted your bedrooms Cleaned window panes

# I married a building I'm fucking insane. #

APPLAUSE

I'd love it if the building sang back...

# Leave me alone, bitch, I need my space

# What's that red shit all over your face?! #

I'm not sure the marriage will last.

Her ex-boyfriend found out, and he was not happy.

Son of a bitch!

It's not the funniest relationship story of the week.

If you think your girlfriend is upset with you,

it's got nothing on this.

A Tampa area man has some explaining to do after he says

he mistook his girlfriend for a wild hog and shot her.

In case you're struggling to comprehend that...

He thought his wife was a pig and shot her in the arse!

I told my mum about this. What did she say?

"Should have gone to Specsavers!"

I've saved the weirdest for last. Have a look at this insane story.

If they get the weather wrong, they go to prison.

"What are you in for?" "Scattered showers."

"You will be scattered in the showers."

"Stop saying that."

If they're this harsh, imagine what they'd have done to this guy.

By and large, it is a lovely winter's day tomorrow.

Bucket loads of cunt...of, er, sunshine...

LAUGHTER

He's going to jail!

The big news in sport was definitely this.

Chelsea have been crowned European champions in Munich.

Chelsea won the Champions League for the first time ever.

So, how did the fans celebrate? Some sang.

# Championes, championes

# Ole, ole, ole! #

Others got a bit carried away.

-You don't want to see the rest of that clip!

-LAUGHTER

You think that's weird? This was definitely the strangest reaction.

CHEERING

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We won! Yeah! Let's shag the dog!

Ah!

Why are we sh...? I don't know!

It gets weirder. Did you see what the fans were throwing

at the players during the victory parade?

You'll see on the ground

and in the air as well, lots of celery flying.

LAUGHTER

Celery?! Who celebrates by throwing vegetables? "I can't believe we won!

"Pass me that broccoli.

"It's the best day of my life." "Is that a radish? Go on!"

So, why were they throwing celery?

It's all to do with this beautiful ballad that the Chelsea fans sing.

SINGING:

LAUGHTER

Well, that is not how to get your five a day!

Also, those people watching the show who have never had sex,

don't ever do that!

There's somebody watching at home going... (GASPS)

"How did he know?"

After they got rid of the celery,

Frank Lampard paid tribute to the fans.

It was the most amazing night of our careers,

and we are so pleased to come back and celebrate with our fans.

Drogba? He did an impression of a car stuck in traffic.

-Beep, beep!

-ALL: Yay!

-Beep, beep!

-Yay!

-Beep, beep!

-Yay!

No idea!

My favourite player was definitely David Luiz.

Fair to say, when he did this interview on Italian TV,

he'd had a few drinks.

He was still hammered the next day.

CHEERING

CHEERING

SINGS:

# I'm so wankered

# I don't know my own name! #

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

From Chelsea's victory to something really weird.

This has to be the strangest sport ever.

Before you get excited, that's rabbits as in "Aw!"

Not as in "Br-r-r!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's a different kind of rabbit.

LAUGHTER

I'm winning! I'm winning!

LAUGHTER

This is genuinely a story about the Rabbit Grand National.

Do you want to meet the woman

that trains the fastest rabbits in England?

REPORTER: Maureen Hoyle keeps international athletes

in her garden shed.

She's the UK's leading rabbit jumping trainer.

Novice Roger the Belgian hare is having his first training session

in Maureen's indoor arena.

Wow! She's got an indoor arena.

AKA, the hall.

LAUGHTER

Mind you, I bet Roger is amazing.

It's looking good till the post arrives.

LAUGHTER

Forget about Roger, he's a fucking joker!

This next guy is the real deal.

Smudge is her prize champion.

Oh, look at that hopping action!

Wait for it. Wait for it. Go on!

It's thrilling.

Damn right, it's thrilling.

It's the most incredible thing I've ever seen!

Nobody is going to out-jump Smudge. He's a legend.

Let's have a look at the pitiful dickheads

who are going to take the mighty Smudge on.

Fuck it, it'll make a lovely pair of slippers.

Now here's a cracking story about a woman under siege.

REPORTER: It was one of the most bizarre requests for help

these 911 dispatchers have ever heard.

So what was it? An alligator? A snake?

Oh, no. It was much more terrifying.

The home owner discovered a squirrel swimming in the toilet.

LAUGHTER

I love how they say he was "swimming".

Like she opened the toilet seat and he's wearing armbands.

LAUGHTER

"Hey, baby.

"Don't pull that flush. Toilet hot tub!"

LAUGHTER

I love the overreaction of the police.

Officer Derek Kennedy was first to respond.

As soon as I saw the squirrel, I knew I needed back-up.

LAUGHTER

I had to open fire, he had a goddamn hazelnut!

Luckily, the squirrel got away. In fact, he gave me an interview.

What a bloody day!

I'm having a swim, I look up,

all of a sudden, I got a face full of granny fanny!

LAUGHTER

I run away, suddenly some police arsehole tries to shoot me.

Did he hit me? Did he fuck!

LAUGHTER

Hmph! Dickhead!

Now, a story about watching a film way too loudly.

REPORTER: 'Bret Stieghorst was mistaken for a rapist

'after his neighbour heard some unusual noises

'coming from his apartment.'

Apparently way too loudly.

He was watching porn so loud,

his neighbour thought he was raping someone.

LAUGHTER

So, did the neighbour call the police? Knock the door?

No, he went loco!

He ran up the stairs with his sword,

kicked in the door and broke the door's lock.

He comes in with the three-foot-long sword and shouts, "Where is she?"

A three-foot-long sword!

He must have been terrified! One minute he's watching porn,

the next minute, he's confronted by the ninja wank fairy!

LAUGHTER

What I want to know, how loud must the porn have been?

Who listens to porn with the volume up?!

"I know, I fancy a tug. Let's hook this up to the speakers.

-"Open up the window.

-SHOUTS:

-"Hello, I'm having a wank!

"Just thought I'd let you know! Love you, Nan!"

LAUGHTER

The best bit about this story? Check out the bloke's reaction

to this knife-wielding lunatic.

Bret now thinks twice when he hears a knock at the door,

but will he think twice about watching adult films from now on?

No way!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"No way, man!

"Like my grandad said, if it ain't got titties,

"that movie's shitty!"

This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

It's a mystery guest who's been in the news. I have to figure out

-who that person is. Please welcome my mystery guest.

-APPLAUSE

-Are you OK?

-Yes, thank you.

It was slapping down on you.

I know, but I don't worry about those things.

-My name's Russell. What's your name?

-Jocelyn.

Nice to meet you.

I imagine, Jocelyn, either you own a shoe shop

or you're an excellent but specific thief?

LAUGHTER

-Do you steal shoes?

-I don't remember stealing any shoes.

Anything to do with shoes?

I hope it does, otherwise this is a bit weird.

LAUGHTER

A little bit to do with shoes.

Can you give me any more clues? Everything rhymes with "shoes"!

But this doesn't!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK.

I have no idea.

Is it anything it do with these weird buttons?

-That gives you a good clue.

-Erm...

LAUGHTER

Am I being an idiot? I have no idea.

-You'll never be an idiot, will you? AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

Aw, what a lovely thing to say!

But, historically, I have proven to be an idiot.

LAUGHTER

Does anyone have an idea?

There's a lady at the back waving her hand.

-Roller disco?

-Is it a roller disco?

-Very close.

-Really?

APPLAUSE

-You run roller discos?

-No.

That's not what I was in the news for.

Why were you in the news?

I was in the news because I'm Britain's oldest roller skating teacher.

There you go, that's worth a round of applause.

APPLAUSE

I told you I could be an idiot. I said that.

So, are we having a go at roller skating? Are you up for that?

We are going to have a go.

OK. Excellent, let's have a clip of you in action.

This is me skating with an injured heel.

-I would have liked to have done more, but there it is.

-Let's have a look.

APPLAUSE

-Right!

-My goodness.

My goodness me.

I cannot skate. I'm going to break my legs. Stop laughing.

Not if I can help it.

Yeah. It's just that my legs just want to dance.

LAUGHTER

-Just hold this barrier. This is what it's here for.

-OK.

We want to introduce you to the artistic kind of roller skating.

OK.

Do you think you'd like to try it?

If my legs...

LAUGHTER

I fancy it, my legs don't, but what the hell. Here we go.

Right. So...

You know when you watch a nature programme

and there's a penguin. You think, "He ain't going to live"?

It's just like that, "Mum, wait for me!"

"He ain't making it to the winter."

Oh...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

WOLF WHISTLES

Oh...

-Oh...

-Hold on to there.

Hey, I've got an idea. I have a way we can make this artistic.

This is the way to do it.

You are trying to woo me. OK?

LAUGHTER

I've...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I've got it, right, you will try and woo me.

I'll play the role of poor village boy, tied to this rail.

He cannot leave the rail until his true love comes along

-and releases him from the rail.

-I'm here, darling.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, give me your hands. There's a good chap.

WHOOPING

That's it. Now, then. Feet out.

APPLAUSE

Out and in.

And out and in.

LAUGHTER

Oh, God.

Go on. Bend...straighten.

LAUGHTER

You try that.

Shit!

-My grandchildren might be watching. Behave yourself.

-Sorry!

If your grandchildren are watching, what's happening?!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's been fun.

-I just can't do it. I feel like I've let you down.

-You can be my toy boy.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, please, give it up for my mystery guest!

Elsewhere in Britain it was the Sony Awards.

Basically, they are the Oscars of the radio world.

Did you see who won Best Entertainment Show?

86-year-old Belle and 90-year-old Betty are Sony Award winners.

And the winners - if I was 80 years younger - Belle and Betty!

The biggest radio award was won by a couple of pensioner DJs.

Did you see them on the red carpet? They were brilliant.

-How does it feel to be here?

-It feels absolutely fantastic.

-What are you most looking forward to tonight?

-Chicken dinner!

Chicken dinner!

This woman is obsessed, and I mean obsessed, with chicken.

A chicken dinner! That shocked them, didn't it? A chicken dinner.

-Best of luck to you.

-Thank you. Am I getting a chicken dinner?

LAUGHTER

I love her so much.

"Are you excited about seeing celebrities?" "No, Nando's."

Imagine her at the Oscars? "You're sat next to Tom Cruise!"

"That's lovely. Has he got a Zinger meal?"

LAUGHTER

She may love chicken but she's got no time for this bloke.

What's the secret of making a good radio show?

Just get on with your life, love.

"Fuck off, pal."

Unbelievably, some people are criticising them for winning -

apparently they're too old to be stars in the music world.

Bollocks, you're never too old to enjoy music, right, love?

Yeah!

Now, this is an amazing story about two brothers

and the unbreakable bond between them. Enjoy.

Jenny and Jeff Lawn found out in 2005

that two-year-old Connor would have a younger brother.

Shortly after Caden was born, they realised that something was wrong.

At four months old, they received the diagnosis.

Cerebral palsy.

Connor wished that Caden could come out and play with him more.

I think that had been on his mind more than what we know as a parent.

Eight-year-old Connor and six-year-old Caden compete as a team.

An idea born from one brother's desire to connect with the other.

They wanted to be a part of the biggest race they could find.

The Iron Kids' Triathlon.

With so many children, organisers told the family they were uncertain

if there was room for Caden's raft and trailer on the course.

When they told us that, I told Connor.

"Caden might not be able to do this race with you.

"Would you consider doing it by yourself?"

He said "no". He would sit at home before he left his brother.

Organisers eventually cleared the boys to race.

When you start a race, what are you thinking about?

From the pool to the pavement,

the team of Connor and Caden Lawn finished last,

but as brothers, they finished.

Pretty cool, eh? Pretty cool indeed.

APPLAUSE

Now it's time for my stand-up guest. This bloke's called Iain Stirling,

he's very funny - so please welcome him to the stage!

APPLAUSE

Hello.

Hello.

All right?

WHOOPING

My name's Iain, I'll explain my appearance - basically,

this is my, er, face.

I take it everywhere I go.

I've got this face because my dad's Norwegian

and my mum is in the boyband McFly.

So...

as you can tell from my accent, I am European.

I'm from Scotland.

CHEERING

It's cool being from Scotland, man. There's lots of negative stereotypes

but sometimes Scottish people can just blow your mind.

I was recently on the Megabus - do we know the Megabus?

It's pretty cool, but the Megabus in Scotland is kind of like heroin.

Basically, if you're on it, chances are you're a junkie.

That's how it works.

I was on the Megabus going from Edinburgh through to Glasgow.

I was having a good time on the Megabus.

These boys got on the back of the bus, these intimidating-looking lads,

and I judged them, but I shouldn't have done, because these guys were comedy geniuses.

No word of a lie.

One of the guys turns to his mates and goes, "Here, boys, here, lads,

"I'm not going to tell you how many women I have slept with.

"All I'm going to tell you is this.

"If I had a pound for every woman I'd slept with,

"I would have £8."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Part Casanova, part Sudoku puzzle!

Hey, I recently turned 24.

I went on the old Facebook to organise a night out.

"Guys, I'm turning 24, big birthday, come on, get involved, yeah."

Cos I'm an idiot on Facebook, apparently.

No word of a lie, add me on Facebook, and check this for yourself -

one person liked my Facebook status!

That one person was Alison Stirling, my own mother!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I mean, my mum is impressively terrible at Facebook.

My mum has been on Facebook for 18 months,

she has four friends on Facebook - she's got me,

my girlfriend, my sister, and Auntie Pam.

Auntie Pam, who insists on calling herself,

on Facebook...

"Auntie Pam"!

"First name?" "Auntie." "Surname?" "It's Pam."

"Interests?" "My nephew."

"Activities?" "Putting £5 in cards

"regardless of the person's age or situation.

"You're three, have a fiver. You're 18, have a fiver.

"Happy bar mitzvah, have a fiver. Merry Christmas, have a fiver.

"Happy Easter, have a fiver..."

"I am so sorry about your loss.

"Have a fiver!"

LAUGHTER

We went out, the five of us, had a great time, cos my Auntie Pam is insane.

She's got a certificate and everything.

LAUGHTER

When I was a kid, we were on holiday,

in the breakfast bar of the hotel, the guy walks over to ask my Auntie Pam,

"How would you like your eggs?"

And she replied, "In a cake."

I am quite young, but I'm old enough to remember certain things.

I remember the golden age of MasterChef.

Some of you might remember this. Loyd Grossman. Three kitchens.

No messing about. It was amazing.

Nowadays, MasterChef is

the most needlessly dramatic programme in the entire world!

The start of MasterChef is this -

GROWLS: "This is as tough as cooking gets."

No, it's not. Clearly you've never got home

at 3 o'clock in the morning,

pissed out your mind and thought, "I am making a quiche."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Although, drunken MasterChef would be an amazing programme.

Imagine the commentary. "Kimberley decided to skip dessert,

"and instead has put a traffic cone on the fridge!"

There we go.

Over to the blue kitchen. Just a guy like,

SLURRED: "I was preparing..."

SIGHS

"I shouldn't have done that Jaeger.

"I was preparing the salad for the stir fry

"and then instead I just done a poo in the wok."

I don't know why he would do that.

The worst programme in the world, though, is on Channel 4.

It is filmed in Chester. It is known as Hollyoaks.

CHEERING

I think it's a horribly vacuous show.

For those who don't know it,

it's like a dyslexic person wrote a play for the cast of Babestation.

I'm trying to be more mature.

I'm getting to that age as well

where my mates have started to have kids.

That's weird. If anyone here's got kids, new kids, here's a thing.

Nobody wants to hold your child. I don't know if any of you got this.

My mates, you know the rule, they give you the baby.

You've got to get the baby, you sort of go...

EXHALES LOUDLY

"That's a good baby?"

Apart from my Auntie Pam, who once got a baby and went,

"He looks like a prick!" Just gave it back.

"You can't say that! It's a new baby!"

She went, "Well, someone's got to tell it."

They say the weirdest things.

They give you the kid and go, "Iain, if you hold the baby,

"if you hold the baby, you will feel the love from the baby."

That baby does not love you, OK?

Like, I love my girlfriend, but never when she's been holding me

in her arms have I shat down her legs.

Never... Well, I mean, one time.

I was drunk and making a stir fry. But the point is...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's nice having a girlfriend.

When you've got a girlfriend, you can be more honest sexually.

For example, I don't like handjobs.

There it is. Drink it in. Don't... Wrong.

I think a handjob is sort of like when somebody takes a picture

on your camera, but they don't know the buttons.

Quite excited at the front.

Big smile on your face, this is going to be amazing. Here we go.

Starts to take a while, doesn't it?

Doesn't know what she's doing. Eventually, you just go,

"Oh, give it here, I'll do it myself."

Although, lads, if you take a picture with your left hand,

it'll look like someone else took it.

So I embarrass myself all the time.

I was recently travelling down to London to do a gig.

I was on the train. I'd had a few glasses of red wine.

I need to go to the toilet. You remember in the olden days,

the train doors used to be a metal door

on a metal hinge, and that worked.

And then somebody built a new train.

They took a long, hard look at the train door,

and they thought to themself, "There's not enough jeopardy here."

And they installed the plastic slidey door with the electric lock

that doesn't work.

I walk up to the toilet door, I press the "door open" button.

Door swings open, there was a lady there.

And to use the French, she was doing a massive shit.

I know what you're thinking. How did I know it was a twosie?

Obviously, when a man pees, he stands up, when a man poos, he sits down.

But with women...

There is a whole air of mystery around the whole...

The reason I knew she was doing a number two was,

as the door swung open, she went to tell me to get out,

but because she was mid-movement, it honestly came out as,

STRAINED: "Get out!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I didn't know if she was talking to me

or giving it a final push, right.

She's sat on the toilet, but as we all know,

the "door shut" button's miles away.

She's stretching out trying... Jedi mind tricks or something.

I'm thinking, "Now is not the time for a high-five."

But as we all know, I'm a gentleman.

You know. I'm gregarious.

I'm convivial.

I've recently bought a thesaurus. There's many things about me.

What I tried to do was, I tried to lean into the toilet

and hit the "door shut" button.

But because of the high-tension situation

and cos I'd had a few drinks,

I slightly overestimated my step into the toilet.

Hit the "door shut" button,

then watched in horror as the plastic door just slid shut behind me.

I'm now trapped on the train to London in a toilet with

a woman who can only be described as "the victim".

There's loads of options here.

I can apologise, I can make a joke.

For some reason, my brain went, "Play it cool."

I was like, leaning back, like...

HE MUMBLES PLEASANTLY

All I could think to say was, "You might want to be careful, love.

"You can meet some proper weirdos in London."

I tend to embarrass myself after I've had a drink.

And you get that thing, drunken brain.

You all know drunken brain?

It's when you think of something you probably shouldn't say,

and then your drunken brain goes, "Naw, mate, that is too funny."

I was at a gig in Newcastle recently. It was £5 to get in.

The guy down the front was absolutely hammered.

It looked like somebody had shaved a bear, put it in a suit and got it drunk.

He was absolutely nutted, but it was £5 to get into this gig,

so I thought, "I'll bring him in, get him involved."

So I went, "All right, mate, what would you do for £5?"

Like a friendly bet or dare.

Without even blinking, this guy goes, "Punch a horse."

We all do it when we're drunk,

we've all got that evil part in our brain.

That evil voice you sometimes get...

You know when you're on a train platform?

And there's a guy stood in front of you on the edge of the platform.

And a part of your brain goes, "I reckon you could push him."

The worst thing I have done with drunken brain was,

I was in London, my mate had got a new girlfriend

and she was really posh, you know, like royal posh,

really bloody posh..

Sounds like she can't breathe in.

She's so bloody posh. She had those...

..posh people teeth, you know what I mean?

The ones that are slightly too big for her mouth.

I mean, hey, she's kicking that look, and fair play to her.

But what happened was, me and my mates, right,

we're cooking a bit of dinner,

a few glasses of red wine, we get a bit drunk.

My mate decides to ask for relationship advice.

He turns to me, bleary-eyed, he's like,

"Iain, mate, I think I love this woman.

"I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman.

"What can I make her for dinner?"

Drunkenly, I went, "Well, mate, whatever you make her for dinner,

"just remember when you're feeding her to keep your hand flat."

She will have your fingers!

It gets worse than that.

We're on a double date, our girlfriends are coming round.

His girlfriend gets there first, walks into the room,

there's an awkward tension. I'm trying not to laugh.

You know when you try to not laugh so hard, you start coughing?

She starts talking about posh people things like skiing

and paying your taxes and that.

And then I just think, "This can't get any worse."

Then I panicked because it's cold in London town.

She walks out of the cold, takes off her coat and goes...

WHINNIES

I explode with laughter. I don't think it can get any worse.

A Geordie bloke walks in, he punches her in the face...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So I gave him the 5 quid.

It was lucky I had my Auntie Pam's 24th birthday card on me.

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Iain Stirling.

You've been an absolute pleasure. Good night. God bless.

Thank you very much! Thank you!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Iain Stirling!

Thank you very much for watching Good News. Good night, my friends.

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