Episode 6 Russell Howard's Good News Extra

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Welcome to Good News. So, what's been happening?

First up, here's a tip -

don't do a live broadcast outside a football stadium.

It's been said for quite a while that it's going to take a long time

for Rangers to get back to where they were.

Over on BBC Breakfast,

they interviewed the most childish racing fan ever.

I like horses, and they've got four legs and furry tails!

"Sometimes they jump!"

Mystery of the week - what's happened to Wolverine's voice?

How much have you enjoyed your tour of the new Titanic building

here in Belfast today?

-YORKSHIRE ACCENT:

-Oh, it's been a right eye-opener.

You think his voice is strange? Check out his pet.

Bleurgh!

In political news, it's been a tough week for David Cameron.

David Cameron is now more unpopular as a leader than Ed Miliband.

Or as Adam Boulton put it...

He is an unelectable loser.

Bit harsh. Mind you, he is creepy.

Between you and me, I think Cameron's got a sex dungeon.

I live in a little flat, a very nice flat, actually,

above Number 11, Downing Street.

But what I get up to in there, that's private!

"That's private!"

That is so creepy! Right, lamb?

Bleurgh!

APPLAUSE

What I want to know -

how can Ed Miliband be more popular than Cameron?

He can't even get the basics right.

Lady, sorry, just in the scarf.

Sorry about that - and you've got a beard, so you're clearly a man!

Not only is Cameron losing popularity,

he was also dragged into the Leveson Inquiry.

The former chief of News International, Rebekah Brooks...

..lifted the lid on her relationship with David Cameron.

She's revealed more about her friendship with the Prime Minister

and details of their text messages...

..with some suggestions David Cameron texted her repeatedly last year.

If that is true, it could be embarrassing for him.

Damn right, it's going to be embarrassing.

I've actually got hold of the texts.

Look what he sent her during the Queen's Speech.

He slammed her on Celebalike.

APPLAUSE

Sometimes, he even went to her for fashion tips.

From politics to entertainment -

it was the final of Britain's Got Talent this week.

Here were some of the contenders.

-You're a born performer.

-Flawless.

This is what I've been waiting for all my life.

Wow! So, who won?

A teenager and her dog.

A dancing dog!

APPLAUSE

I think this proves one thing -

people in Britain like a drink on a Saturday night.

"Shall we vote for the singer?" "No, let's vote for the disco dog!

"Hello? Hello, Simon, I'd like to vote for the dog, please!

"Yeah, get him away from the opera singer,

"I think he's going to eat him."

It's great, isn't it?

Only in Britain would you have genuinely-talented people

beaten by an animal that licks its own arse.

-AS SIMON COWELL:

-You can sing, but can you lick your own ring?

APPLAUSE

Did you see the papers the day after Pudsey won?

"He's amazing." "He's the greatest dog ever."

But the headline that caught my eye was this.

He's been outed by the press?! I bet he was at home,

"It was great last night, dancing, jumping - I bet the papers loved...

"Agh! How have they found out about Enrique?!

"It was a one-night thing.

"It was a one-night thing!"

Apparently, Pudsey's a right shagger. I mean, he ruined this guy.

DOG HOWLS

New research came out this week,

suggesting why dinosaurs became distinct.

Dinosaurs may have gassed themselves into extinction.

British researchers say the prehistoric beasts had

a flatulence and belching problem.

Apparently, dinosaurs killed themselves by farting.

It turns out it wasn't a meteor - a stegosaurus went, "Pull my finger."

What I want to know, how did the scientists find this out?

Did they find one buried like that?

Next to another one, just...

Either way, these lizards really dropped their guts.

Researchers found dinosaurs pumped out

more than 520 million tons of methane gas.

520 million tons!

Must have been a nightmare, being a T rex.

"Oh! My arms are so tiny! I can't waft it away!

"Oh! Oh! Oh, Jesus Christ, what did you eat?"

"Who's Jesus Christ?"

APPLAUSE

I tell you what, if this is how they died,

it's really going to change the movies.

DINOSAUR FARTS

APPLAUSE

From dinosaurs to a strange new TV channel.

It's the new craze that's taking the doggy world by storm,

and keeps them transfixed for hours.

DOG TV.

We now have TV for dogs!

To be honest, I thought we already had TV for creatures

with limited mental capacity.

-Shut up.

-Fuck off.

APPLAUSE

Have you seen what they're actually showing the dogs?

It's absolute shit.

The footage and soundtracks are designed by scientists

for stimulation, relaxation and exposure eight hours a day.

That is madness. If you want to keep dogs interested,

you don't need flashing lights.

You just need a guitar.

GUITAR PLAYS

GUITAR STOPS

GUITAR PLAYS

GUITAR STOPS

-I could watch that for hours.

-APPLAUSE

From DOG TV to a cat alarm clock.

Take a look at how a bored cat wakes his owner up every morning at 5am.

If you struggle to get out of bed in the morning

and the traditional alarm clock just isn't enough,

maybe you need this furry wake-up call.

Aw!

APPLAUSE

It's the one on the end, the one on the end is the most satisfying.

"I can't reach!" And you're like, "Please reach!"

"Wa-doing!"

It's so cute, isn't it?

But five in the morning? Every day?

If that was my cat, he'd end up like this.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

What? I like a lie-in.

Sometimes, you have to keep them in check. Some cats are plain evil.

Now for a story about a London society called the Eccentric Club.

This was the Eccentric Club in the 1920s.

In the 1980s, it was wound up, but reformed three years ago.

So, meet two of its newest members.

HE GUFFAWS

I always, when I was a child, wanted to dress in three-piece suits.

I have a shrunken head that sits by my bedside table.

Of course you have, posh Hagrid. There's more.

I don't think I have any eccentric habits at all.

I'm entirely normal,

I get out of bed most days.

Oh, completely normal!

I mean, every Monday I make love to a Christmas tree, you know?

So, why am I showing you this?

Well, big news, my friends - the Eccentric Club has a new member!

And last night, the Eccentric Club dined in Mayfair with its new patron,

the Duke of Edinburgh.

Hey!

-AS THE DUKE OF EDINBURGH:

-Hello! Yes!

Hey, guys, I sleep with a shrunken head too - or as I call her, Liz!

Yeah! Finally, a crowd that gets me!

Hey, guys, guys, guys - you think Pudsey was good?

I'll show you a trick with a dog.

Who wants to see me tea bag a corgi? Yeah!

Yeah!

I've gone too far again, haven't I?

Mind you, if you think Philip is eccentric, check this out!

Now, watch out, all you budding weather presenters,

because there's a new meteorologist on the block.

Damn right - did anyone else see this?

This weather front pushing northwards is bringing cloud

and outbreaks of rain.

The rain, of course, will be heaviest over the Borders

and around Edinburgh.

It's like a royal Jim'll Fix It!

My favourite bit is the face he pulls after Camilla reveals

his weather obsession.

Your Royal Highness, how do you feel he did?

I could watch that face over and over.

Every time he pulls a funny face, all you see is this guy.

Mind you, if you think Charles is a weather fan,

he has got nothing on a kid from America

who wrote the most incredible thank-you letter to this guy.

He's Albert Ramon, a morning weatherman in Austin, Texas.

After he spoke to a fourth-grade class,

-one of the students sent Ramon this thank you.

-Did you see the letter?

To say the kid was a bit a fan, that is an understatement. Look at this.

That is a letter!

APPLAUSE

And did you see what he wrote at the end?

After all that, "Sincerely, Flint."

Flint, if you're watching, good work, my friend. Good work.

This was definitely the big sports story of the week.

Manchester City are the new champions,

stealing the title at the 11th hour

from under the noses of their United rivals.

Aguero! He's won it! Get in there!

It was the most exciting end to a season ever. Right, lamb?

Bleurgh!

Did anyone see the way it was covered on Soccer Saturday?

If only they'd get a little bit more excited.

Queens Park Rangers are level!

He's put the ball in the box, far post - it's a goal!

Mackie's scored! Oh, no!

People said they've played the best football... Oh!

Goal! It's two all!

It's 3-2!

Mancini's on the line, running round!

They're all cuddling each other!

They've got love bites and everything!

"They've got love bites and everything!"

It was amazing. The game had everything -

goals, tension and Joey Barton went batshit!

The reason I found it so funny was because of what he said on Twitter.

"Why can't people just get along?!"

In fairness, Barton isn't the craziest footballer.

Taka a look at this guy's eyes.

Talking of violence, this was the big news in the boxing world.

David Haye will take on Dereck Chisora in a grudge match

at West Ham's Upton Park ground in July.

This is going to be interesting. Two of boxing's greatest charmers.

You've got wordsmith David Haye...

This fight will be as one-sided as a gang rape.

Ahh!

Ah, Shakespeare.

He's against the equally poetic Dereck Chisora.

Ahh! Ahh-ahh!

They're just...

They're both so lovable.

Can't I just have them both?

They're absolute nutters.

Check out David Haye's suggestion as to what you should do if you get burgled.

If someone burgles your house and you knock them out,

are you going to apologise for knocking them out? No, you're not.

You're going to stamp on their head, like any normal person would.

Stamp on their head, like a normal person(!)

It gets weirder. Not to be outdone, Chisora claims this is "normal".

I don't walk around with my nose up.

You tell me, "My son is having a birthday party."

I tell you, "What's the address?"

You will give me, and you think I'm not coming.

But the next minute, I'm like... KNOCKING ..happy birthday.

Yeah, that's every eight-year-old's dream, innit?

Opening the door...

"Mum!

"The clown's really scary."

"Hey? What?"

-"Mum, what's a

-BLEEP?"

To be honest, they're both so unlikeable,

it will be the only fight in history where everyone wants this to happen.

Strange stories across the globe. First up, a bizarre zoo in Japan.

How do you deal with an escaped rhino?

One zoo in Japan has been finding out.

This is genius.

Look how they re-created the terrifying reality

of an escaped rhino.

They got a couple of people to put on this papier-mache outfit

while staff, police and paramedics attempted to stop it.

They made a cardboard rhino. It's madness.

I tell you how to deal with an escaped rhino - you fucking run!

I love how they brought down this paper beast.

Eventually, the fake animal was fake shot with a fake sedative.

It got worse. Apparently, they put him back in with a real rhino.

GRUNTING

From a zoo in Japan to one in China.

If you think you're committed to your job, you have got nothing on this guy.

That's sweet.

Isn't that the loveliest thing you've ever seen? He saved a monkey.

He saved a monkey. How did he save his life?

He licked a monkey's arse for an hour.

Apparently, his mates couldn't believe it.

In fairness, he loved it.

Now, unbelievably, that isn't the strangest story from China.

Have you seen the latest snack causing a stir?

There's an unmistakable scent from the hard-boiled eggs

sold on the street sold on the streets of eastern China.

Unmistakable scent? Jasmine? Lavender?

They're soaked and boiled in urine.

-Eggs cooked in piss?!

-Ain't nobody got time for that.

-That has to be the most disgusting food ever. Right, lamb?

-Yeah.

This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.

This could be a mystery guest who's been in the news,

and I have to figure out who that person is. So please welcome my mystery guest.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-How are you doing?

-Nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.

-Hello. What's your name?

-Rosie.

Hey, Rosie. I'm Russell.

We're on a bench. Feels like we're meeting for a date.

-Would you like a flower?

-Thank you very much.

-No probs.

-How did you break your arm?

-I did it playing rugby.

-Are you a rugby player?

-I am, but it's not why I'm here tonight.

-Have you had a look behind? That might help you.

-Oh, right.

-That's the Taj Mahal.

-Yeah.

Right, so it's like rugby... crossed with the Taj Mahal.

I don't understand. You're going to have to give me more of a clue.

OK. It's an Indian sport.

-Kabaddi. Do you play kabaddi?

-Yes, I do.

-Fantastic.

Now, you won't know this, but kabaddi was massive in the early '90s.

-It's basically like kiss-chase, essentially.

-Yeah, it's a big game of tig. Sort of wrestling.

-It doesn't sound as good if you call it tig.

-No.

-DEEP VOICE:

-Kabaddi!

-HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:

-Tig!

"No, you can't move until someone says your name!"

I think I might be all right here. I'm quite a good wriggler.

Are you? There's a lot of wriggling involved.

We used to play a game when we were kids.

We used to all get on my dad's bed, this sounds dodgy.

LAUGHTER

The game was called "Get out of my bed and into the sharks."

Our dad used to try and push us into the sharks, which was the carpet.

-And I never lost.

-You might be right then.

Yes, I played that until I was 16.

"Dad, can we play?" "No. You must never play that game again."

APPLAUSE

Why are you in the news exactly?

I was in the news because I want to make kabaddi an Olympic sport.

-Sweet.

-I captained the first-ever England women's kabaddi team.

-We came second in the World Cup.

-That's pretty cool.

APPLAUSE

-Let's play it. Let's have a game of kabaddi.

-Yeah?

-Yes, I'd like that.

-We're going to watch a clip of us in action.

-Sweet.

APPLAUSE

Cool.

Right then, tell me, Rosie, what's going to happen?

-Obviously I can't do anything. I've done a bit of a Russell.

-Nice.

-LAUGHTER

-Come on, that was smooth. Nice work.

-I'll go through a few basic points with you, so you know the rules.

-Absolutely.

-I've brought a few of the girls, so welcome the England kabaddi team.

-Here we are, come on.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Right, so these are your four stoppers.

-Stoppers, bludgers.

Defenders. You are a raider.

-I'm a raider?

-You're the attacker.

-Sweet.

This is the attacking zone and this is your safe zone.

-So they can get me if I'm here.

-Not if you're in here.

-When you go across, you stop here.

-Shall I stay here...?

-What happens if I stay here all day?

-They'll get bored and...

-But they are not allowed.

-I don't know, she might.

-Oh, really?

So you need to get across there, touch one of them

with any part of your body - your hand, your foot...

LAUGHTER

OK, and then get back. When you touch one of them, they'll try to stop you.

-OK.

-30 seconds starts when you cross this line.

If they get you within 10 seconds, you can wriggle your way back, wrestle, like your dad's game.

-Yeah.

-You wriggle.

-OK, cool.

-OK, go.

-I'm out, I'm out. Come this way.

-You've got 30 seconds.

-I've got to get there?

-Yes, you've got to touch one of them.

-I see, tricky, tricky.

Oh, God!

You've got 15 seconds,

15 seconds.

Come on!

10 seconds.

Somebody get me a cigarette now.

That was horrible and lovely at the same time,

like eating a fire ice cream.

-Another go?

-Yes, why not?

-Right...

-Ready?

Go!

Come on! Come on!

Go! Yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-That was all right.

-Are you tired?

-So that is kabaddi.

-That was really good.

Ladies and gentleman, please give it up for my wonderful mystery guests.

Big news in the world of health.

The magic mushroom - a class A drug that comes with a seven-year prison sentence for possession.

Now scientists at Imperial College London say it could treat depression.

Magic mushrooms cure depression. Yeah, because you're off your tits.

I used to feel suicidal, but now I got marshmallows for legs.

Trouble is, what if you do something mad while you're on 'em?

Oh, no, I've eaten my legs. I thought they were marshmallows.

You don't need mushrooms.

If you're feeling low and you want something to cheer you up,

just look at this.

Now this is the story of Henry and the amazing power of music.

Hi, Papa.

-Hi, Papa. How you doing?

-I'm all right. I'm fine.

How long has he been in the nursing home? Approximately ten years.

He was having seizures and my mother couldn't handle him at home.

He was always fun-loving. He was always into music.

He always loved singing, dancing.

He used to sit on the unit with his head like this.

He didn't really talk to much people.

Then when I introduced the music to him, this is his reaction ever since.

He is given his favourite music,

and immediately he lights up.

And Henry has been quickened.

He's been brought to life.

When the headphones are taken off,

Henry, normally mute and virtually unable to answer

the simplest yes or no questions, is quite voluble.

-Henry?

-Yeah.

-Do you like the iPod, do you like the music you're hearing?

-Yes.

I'm crazy about music. You play beautiful music, beautiful sound.

What was your favourite music when you were young?

I guess, well, Cab Calloway was my number one guy.

What was your favourite Cab Calloway song?

Oh...

# I'll be home for Christmas... #

In some sense Henry is restored to himself.

He has remembered who he is

through the power of music.

What does music do to you?

It gives me the feeling of love.

The world need to come into music, singing, you got beautiful music.

Beautiful, oh, lovely.

And I feel a band of love, dreams.

Awesome, isn't it?

It's stand-up time, and here's a real treat.

What can I tell you? He's American. He's written on 30 Rock and Saturday Night Live.

He did the Edinburgh Festival last year and was nominated for Best Newcomer.

So, please welcome, all the way from New York, the very funny Hannibal Buress.

APPLAUSE

How's it going? Hello. Hello.

This is my first time here in London.

I think it's an awful place, but I'm willing to adjust.

I like that you all just have bank holidays here. It's nothing...

It's not about a person. It's not about pillaging another country.

Just, you know, the bank is closed.

So let's just close everything else, too. I like that!

Last time I was in the UK, I was in Scotland.

And I was in Scotland, in Edinburgh, so I came this time,

and I still had money from Scotland,

and so I went to a pub here in London, and I ordered my drink,

and I handed the guy a Scottish 20, and he said, this is Scottish money.

I said, yeah. Take it.

I don't care about your feud.

Whatever's going on between England and Scotland,

there's no difference between England and Scotland.

Scottish people are deep-voiced English people.

That's what, when people ask me, what's the difference between England and Scotland?

In Scotland they talk like, "oh", and English people say "literally".

Literally.

I was literally at the pub,

and I had literally had a pint in my hand, and I literally left.

You don't even have to say literally that many times.

You say literally too much.

Before I was coming over here, I was back in New York,

and I met these girls, they were from Ireland.

And I said, oh, you're from Ireland.

That's cool, because I'm going to the UK in a couple of months.

And apparently Ireland isn't a part of the UK.

Because of some crazy stuff that happened a while ago.

I guess I got it mistaken with Northern Ireland,

which is an honest mistake, I think.

And what would've been nice, if those girls had said,

hey there's a crazy history between the UK and Ireland,

it's a very sensitive subject.

The UK and Ireland, we're not cool like that.

We don't like being associated with the UK, so you should know that.

That would have been nice, and I would have said, thank you for telling me that.

But instead, what these girls said, what the crap, you dumbass American.

You probably don't even own a password, you stupid American.

You don't know anything. You're not worthy.

You don't know anything, dumb American, what the crap.

And you know what? That doesn't make me want to learn about your country.

Guess what? Now I'm going to tell all my friends Ireland is part of Dubai.

And they're going to believe me,

because I'm influential in my circle.

So, I did the Edinburgh Festival last year.

It was a dark moment in my life. It was very rainy.

It's like the rain is just pissing on your soul. I was out one night.

It was five in the morning.

I'm talking with this girl, and I decide to take a swing,

I say, how about we go back to my place for some food and some drinks.

Most women would say, yeah, that sounds cool, or no, I'm all right.

But she said, what type of food are we talking about?

And what drinks are we talking about?

Would you expect me to have sex with you if I come back to your place?

If you come back to my place at five in the morning,

eat all my food, drink all my drinks,

and you don't want to have sex, then I don't want you in my life at all.

What type of person would do that?

That sounds like something a sociopath would do.

Come to your place at five, eat your food, drink your drinks, leave at six thirty without fucking.

That's a passive burglary.

And as soon as she said that, I should have clocked that this woman

was crazy, but I was kind of drunk, so I go, oh, she's kind of quirky.

So we talk for a little bit. She says stuff, I say stuff,

she says stuff, I say stuff. You know how conversation works.

I think it's going well, so I go in for the kiss. She says, what?!

You think you can just kiss me?

Men think they're entitled to whatever they want from women.

You objectify us. She started going into this crazy feminist rant.

That's fine if you want to be a feminist, but I think five in the

morning after the bar closes is a weird time to jump on your soapbox.

Men just want to fuck.

It's five in the morning, everybody wants to, that's why

they stayed out till five, because it didn't happen at two.

So, we keep talking for some reason. She wants to know my address.

She's showing interest. I tell her my address.

She wants to know what address. I tell her, she texts it to herself.

I say, what's wrong? She says, I have to be safe.

Three out of ten women that get raped don't report it.

One out of one dudes is walking away from this conversation.

She said, what's wrong? I said, you insane, lady, that's what's wrong.

And it sounds very risky to hang out with you.

And I didn't notice about myself until today,

but I don't hang out with anybody that quotes rape statistics.

There's nobody in my life that does that.

That's such a weird trait to have.

I have to get away from you

because I'm a black man in Scotland on a work visa.

They're going to believe any bullshit you say.

But she was super drunk. She couldn't handle rejection.

She just kept on, Hannibal, please let me explain.

No, you've explained enough.

Why, Hannibal, what's wrong?

You seem insane and unstable, that's what's wrong.

Hannibal, I just want to educate people.

This is a weird-ass time for that kind of class.

Hannibal, give me 30 seconds. No, I don't want to talk with you.

Hannibal, please stop walking away. No, go away. Hannibal, please...

Hey, lady, you acting like a rapist right now.

I just said I don't want to talk with you and you keep on talking at me.

You're raping my eardrums, and I feel very threatened. No means no.

So we're dating now.

My name is Hannibal, that's my real name.

I feel like having this name has caused me

to miss out on several potential sexual encounters.

"A woman says, "Hey, what's your name?" "It's Hannibal."

"All right, bye-e-e!"

"Bye-e-e!"

Seriously, I'm a real person, that's a movie dude you're judging me on.

I got a brother and a sister.

My brother's name is David, my sister's name is Angela,

my mother's name is Margaret, my father's name is John...

my name is Hannibal.

It's awful.

I got a teenage cousin, I don't like him at all,

I think he's a bad person and a piece of shit and...

I hope he doesn't get into college.

He's a horrible person.

If one of you was kicking his ass right here on this stage,

I'd let you get ten more hits in before I stopped you.

"Hey! Hey-hey-hey, hey, what's going on here? Hey! Hey!

"What's happening?! He-e-ey!

"Hey.

"Get off my cousin, man."

He always talks trash about my comedy.

"Hey, Hannibal, we were watching your stand up on YouTube.

"It wasn't funny, man."

So I have to figure out what can I say back to this 17-year-old boy

cos I'm not letting this slide, I'm very petty, I have to destroy him.

I figured it out and I accused him of masturbating

because teenagers can't handle that, their psyches are weak.

I said, "What you coming from jacking off?"

"I wasn't jacking off, Hannibal! Why would you say that?

"I do not jack off, I will never jack off! Get out of here, Hannibal!"

"Why do you want me to get out of here? So you can jack off some..."

"NO-O-O-O!"

That won't work on me, I'm 29. You accuse me -

"Hannibal, you jacking off?" "Yeah."

"Yes, I was jacking off, I was jacking off so I could have sex

"for longer later, and that's grown man stuff, I'm planning out my life."

Sometimes when I watch porn, I put my hoodie on so I feel creepier.

Then I get under the computer so it feels like I'm spying on the couple.

"What are you all up to?"

Everybody needs a masturbation hoodie in my opinion.

You have to keep your top warm because your bottom is exposed.

Life is all about balance.

Now, I like to drink.

I only like to drink with people that can hold their liquor.

I was with this girl, I bought some drinks, we go back to my hotel room.

She starts throwing up all of these drinks that I'd bought,

all over my room. It was very upsetting,

it was like she was throwing up my money on my money.

Very upsetting on so many levels.

Really not that many levels.

People over-use that sense. "It was messed up on so many levels, man."

Oh, for real? Please name every level.

"Well, metaphysical. Er... Er, level three. Eye level."

Sea level? "Shut up, man!"

Fuck your struggle, stop being dramatic.

Whenever people are going through a struggle in life they get

really cliched, they say stuff like, "I'm taking it one day at a time.

"I'm just taking one day at a time."

You know who else is? Everybody, cos that's how time works.

That's the only way you can take time.

What, were you doing it a week at a time before? Who are you?

Who taught you how to do that?

Teach me how to do that, I want to get through this quicker too.

I don't like it when people say, "I'll pray for you".

"I'll pray for you, I'll pray for you."

You're gonna pray for me?

So basically you're going to sit at home and do nothing?

Cos that's what your prayers are, you're doing nothing while I struggle

with the situation, so don't pray for me, make me a sandwich or something.

Cos I'm very upset right now and I can't make my own sandwiches

so that would be cool if you made me

a sandwich instead of praying, it's very lazy.

"We'll keep you in our thoughts."

With the other bullshit in your head? No!

Keep me out of your thoughts.

Cos I hear some of the stuff you talk about,

if that's close to what you think about,

I don't want to be around that at all,

so keep me and my family out of your thoughts.

Unless you're thinking about making us sandwiches.

I went to see this play in New York. It's called Sleep No More.

And it was really cool.

It's not a regular play where you sit in the audience

and watch people on the stage, it's in this five storey building,

and actors could pop up in any room and start doing a scene

and then leave that room.

They'd meet other actors and you'd follow them

and it's really crazy.

I guess it's loosely based on Macbeth.

But I don't know anything about Macbeth so the whole

experience for me was just getting drunk and chasing actors around.

"Hey, what's going on over here. What does this scene mean?

"What are you doing? What is all of this?"

But it was a fun time, and I was in this office set by myself,

nobody else was there and I farted in that room.

Two actors came into that room to do a scene

and they acted into my fart cloud...

And I could see it was bothering them,

but they really couldn't speak on it, they had to just power through.

I was just happy to be a part of the process.

Really fun.

APPLAUSE

I live in New York.

Sometimes I get drunk and I get into arguments with taxi drivers

and I get out the cab and I slam the door.

That's not the way to win an argument with a taxi driver.

The way to win is you get out the cab and you leave the door open.

He has to step out, come around and close the door,

and while he's doing that,

I'm on the other side opening the other doors.

And we just keep going around and around and around and around.

I got my own personal Benny Hill situation going on.

Life is great, cue the music.

IMITATES BENNY HILL MUSIC

I'm a big rap fan

but a lot of rappers say goofy stuff in their songs.

There's one rapper who has a song where he's says,

"How stupid dumb big, my room's got rooms."

No, those are closets.

Those aren't extra rooms in your rooms!

He'd be the worst real estate agent ever.

"Here we have a 34-bedroom house. Let me show you round the property.

"Great feature this place,

"some of the rooms have extra small rooms in them.

"You have to sleep in these rooms like this,

"very unique sleeping situation, inspired by the Japanese."

A while back, Lil Wayne had an interview and he was really bad at it.

The journalist said, "Lil Wayne, if you could ask George Bush any

questions about Hurricane Katrina, what would you say?"

He said, "I'm a gangster, and gangsters don't ask questions."

What? Gangsters do ask questions!

Asking questions is a big part of being a gangster.

"Hey, man, where's my money!" That's a question.

"Do you want to die tonight?!" That's a question too.

"What? What?" That's two questions.

Gangsters always ask questions.

Thanks a lot, I'm Hannibal Buress, thank y'all. Goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The wonderful Hannibal Buress!

Thank you very much for watching Good News. Good night.

I really enjoyed that. It was fun.

Right, lamb?

Yeah!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE