Episode 2 Russell Howard's Good News Extra

This programme contains some strong language

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thanks very much.

Thanks very much indeed.

Hello, and welcome to Good News.

So, what's been happening? It's all going off at Sky News.

First, Jacquie Beltrao revealed her wrestling name.

Thighs without mercy.

Then Peter Spencer turned to stone.

Some people can be so mistrustful.

Peter, thank you. Coming up on Boulton and Co,

we'll hear from both sides of the row...

Here's a tip. If you're trying to avoid being on camera,

this is not how you do it.

There is a long-time city ordinance that allows these businesses,

these practices...

LAUGHTER

Over at Channel 4, they had this cheery headline...

We're all going to die of something.

This guy did not take the news well.

Arghhhhhh!

Arghhhhhh!

Arghhhhhh!

APPLAUSE

So, what's been going on?

Did anyone else see all those people celebrating the Titanic?

Setting sail to the site of the sinking.

The cruise to remember the Titanic.

They're marking the 100th anniversary of the Titanic

by sailing a boat!

How insensitive is that?!

People drowned - let's go cruising!

It doesn't stop there. Apparently, they're serving a pudding on board

called the "Iceberg".

That's the thing that killed them!

You wouldn't serve JFK's family a rifle trifle!

The papers have been all over this story.

Some of the conspiracy theories as to why the ship sunk

were hilarious.

But this was definitely my favourite.

APPLAUSE

How?!

Did the icebergs look like this?

"Ron Weasley dead ahead!"

It's so ridiculous!

Now, talking of stupidity,

the reaction on Twitter has been incredible.

Do you reckon she typed that with her face?

Not my favourite tweet, though. That goes to the twat-tastic Jedward.

You have no idea!

As if those poor people didn't suffer enough,

"We're going to drown! We're going to...

"What's that noise?!"

# His name is John

# My name is Edward

# And together we are Jedward... #

SCREAMING

# Jedward... #

# Jedward... #

Elsewhere in Britain, the National Trust has come up with

a list of 50 things kids need to do before they're 12.

Climbing a tree, camping in the wild and abseiling.

Some of the 50 things children should do

before they're 11 and three quarters.

That's according to the National Trust.

Have you seen the list? Now, some of them sound fun.

Some of them are insane.

Sod that! "A-woo!

"Mum!

"There's an owl on my head!"

Nobody has ever called an owl. I asked my cousin, he is seven.

He gave possibly the cutest answer.

"Have you ever called an owl?"

"No...

"I didn't know they had phones!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

My problem with the list - it's all a bit too nice.

"Let's build a den. Let's tickle a ferret."

The number one thing to do before you're 12 - play a prank on a mate.

-AHHH!

-What?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Now, big news in Middle England.

"Last week, we had the hose pipe ban...

"..now it's this..."

The steep rise in the price of stamps...

-Stamps...

-Stamps...

-Stamps...

-Panic buying...

-Panic buying...

From 46 pence to 60.

Wo-o-ow.

Ahhh!

It is such a British panic story.

Syria's in meltdown. "Never mind that!

"Stamps have gone up 14p!"

"There's nothing for it, Roger.

"I'm going to have to go on the game!

"We need the stamps, Roger. Line up the cocks!"

You think I'm joking?

People have lost it. Did you see this?

Wouldn't it be great if they'd all been bought by this guy?

"Hello!"

I like the idea he's just covering Buckingham Palace with stamps.

"Lizzie on the table,

"Lizzie on the butler,

"Lizzie on the Corgis...

"and finally, Lizzie...

"Yeah!"

Hey, Liz, time for a special delivery!

Now, talking of Royals. Did you see this?

Pippa Middleton could be questioned by French police

after she was pictured in Paris

in a car with a man who appeared to be pointing a gun.

Let's be honest. Everyone reacted the same way

when they heard this story.

"She with a bloke who pointed a gun at a photographer?

"Bit stupid, isn't it?

"I tell you what, she's got a lovely arse!"

She could do anything, it always comes back to that.

"She head-butted a dog?" "Yeah, but it's perfect, isn't it?

"It's like a peach covered in silk."

She is so hot. This bloke saw her, his whole body got a hard-on.

Some people can be so mistrustful.

Peter, thank you. Coming up on Boulton and Co...

As ever, the US media didn't overreact...

Pippa could be facing criminal charges

and possible jail time for this.

..whereas, Channel 5, bit more British.

She will be in hot water with her parents.

And she can forget about riding her pony!

There, I've said it, I've absolutely bloody said it.

Over in the US, big news in the US Presidential Elections.

We are at the point where we can say unequivocally

that Mitt Romney will be the Republican challenger to Obama.

Yep, Mitt Romney has been selected to take on Obama.

I think he's going to struggle. He can barely talk.

Let's talk about immigration...

HE STAMMERS

LAUGHTER

Let's be honest, he'll need all the help that he can get.

Imagine running against Obama!

He's so charismatic.

He's the only politician who can sing and not look like a dick!

Reverend Al Green was here.

CHEERING

# I'm...

# So in love with you... #

CHEERING

He's so smooth, isn't he?

You know God's looking down going, "I made that."

Mitt Romney, not quite as soulful.

# O beautiful for spacious skies

# For amber waves of grain

# For purple mountain majesties

# Above the fruited plain! #

LAUGHTER

First up, some strange economic news.

-Er...

-Er...

-Er...

It's the surprising research which may leave some people

scratching their heads.

Marketing experts reckon The Only Way Is Essex

has generated an extra £1 billion of spending in the UK.

Shut up.

Fuck off.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This is the... Exactly!

This is the bizarre news that The Only Way Is Essex

has boosted the economy by 1.4 billion.

Thanks to TOWIE, sales in...

In other news, book sales are down 800%.

"I can't read, but I've got a shiny muff."

It's so depressing.

When I was younger, kids wanted to go to the moon,

not have a neon minge.

How have they got their own show?

Why don't we idolise impressive people?

Why can't we have a show called The Only Way Is Fry?

We could hear stuff like this.

Would you be in any way offended if I said that you seem to me to be

the visible personification of absolute perfection?

As opposed...to this.

That goat's beard, look. How embarrassing.

Is that why they're called goats, cos they got goatees?

Yeah, that is so right.

LAUGHTER

I wish I was on the Titanic with Jedward.

From the depressing to the bizarre. There's been a ghost spotted

in my favourite part of the world - the West Country.

Clevedon's beautiful Victorian pier.

It's beginning to get a reputation for its ghostly residents.

The latest subject of unearthly contact

was keen angler Jack Hulbert.

This wonderful bloke saw the ghost. He claims he was fishing,

but surely there is a better way of putting it than this.

I thought, "I'll get up early in the morning

"and come down and give it a bash."

LAUGHTER

Don't say that!

Now I HAVE to put you on telly.

I love this man.

He sounds like one of my uncles. "I gave it a right bash!"

Listen to him describe his meeting with the ghost.

Walked up to the end of the pier,

nearly to the end,

and I saw this person leaning over the rail in the corner.

"Hell," I said, "I thought I'd be here first this morning."

I said, "You beat me to it." He never answered back.

"He never answered back! I thought to myself, 'What an arsehole!'

"I gives him a wave, he disappears.

"Some people are so rude."

This next bit is great. Check out what this evil ghost smells of.

It's not just sightings.

There's been a ghostly smell of toast at the pier shop.

Ghostly toast.

Ghostly to-o-o-ast!

"It was so scary, there was marmalade everywhere!"

Apparently, there's a reason behind this odour.

The smell of burnt toast has often been associated

with the presence of ghosts.

It's such bollocks, isn't it?

If you smell toast, that mean there's a ghost nearby.

-And if he's really fucked off...

-HE SNIFFS

Coco Pops!

LAUGHTER

He's angry, look, he's turned the milk chocolatey.

Whoa!

I tell you what, if this is the way ghosts smell,

that would really have changed The Blair Witch Project.

SHALLOW BREATHING

I'm so scared.

SHE GASPS

So would I be!

I'm ghostly toast.

Now, eat your crusts!

LAUGHTER

Staying with the supernatural,

this is one of the best headlines you'll ever read.

This is the incredible story of a hamster whose owners buried him

cos they thought he was dead

only to see him reappear from his grave hours later.

Imagine the moment they saw him.

I bet that they absolutely shat themselves.

"I... I thought you were dead!"

"Guess again, asshole.

"Now, where Daddy's carrot at?"

My favourite part of the story -

since he died and came back to life, they've changed his name.

He used to be called Rhino, he's now called...

So, are the family pleased to have this zombie hamster back? Yes.

Are the other pets? No!

The other pets are terrified of him!

HORROR FILM MUSIC

PARP!

LAUGHTER

It's fair to say,

I'm very worried about the students at Swansea Uni.

Do you reckon they're sat there, "Mum! I need a wipe!"?

It's insane.

What kind of job are you going to get if you can't even shit properly?

-Shut up.

-FUCK OFF!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

In case you can't figure it out,

here's the handy diagram they're showing the students.

This isn't a joke.

These were genuinely put up in a place of learning.

This is good toilet...

..and this is bad toilet!

LAUGHTER

Now... Now, I'm a good guy.

I wanted to help the students out,

so I've made a few signs of my own, right?

Here we go, this is how you urinate.

There you go. A lovely bit of wee. That's nice.

This is not.

That's bad.

That's bad toilet, right?

APPLAUSE

This is how you use a kettle!

Ah, oh, a bit of tea, oh, mm, tea, yeah.

This is not...

This is not how you use a kettle. That's bad.

That's bad. That's bad kettle! That's bad kettle!

LAUGHTER

One more? This is how you feed a pet.

He likes that, doesn't he?

Lovely little vicar dog. Lovely bit of food. Nom, nom.

This is definitely not how to feed a pet.

That is not how you feed a pet.

Never feed a pet that way, it's true.

This guy tried it and hated it.

Arghhhhhh!

Arghhhhhh!

Over to the other side of the world.

Check out what the toddlers in Australia

are being taught at school.

This is self-defence, Israeli style.

It's called Krav Maga

and it's used by special combat forces around the world.

Now it's being taught to Aussie toddlers.

They're teaching toddlers martial arts. Madness.

When you're a kid, you should be in a sandpit, not cage fighting.

"A good day at school?" "Yeah, I learned how to fuck people up."

It's ridiculous! Toddlers don't want to fight. Toddlers just want to dance.

MUSIC: "Jailhouse Rock" by Elvis Presley

I love the jump at the end,

but not as much as I love the way he finishes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The big sporting story of the weekend was the Grand National.

He's a half-length in front.

Neptune Collonges is diving...

One of the closest races in Grand National history.

Neptune Collonges wins by a nose.

An incredible finish, but not a patch on this...

Bournda See under the big...

Oh! Morcombe put in a bad stride, he lost balance...

LAUGHTER ..and now Bournda See...

That is one photo finish you don't ever want to see.

Although he did win by a length!

Did you see the interview with the guy who trained the winning horse?

Probably the best horse we run in the race.

Class form, we're placing gold cups, stays genuine.

What a let down.

That's not how you celebrate winning a horse race.

This is.

-Congratulations.

-Thanks very much.

-It's fantastic!

-It is, it's unreal.

I can't believe it. I can't believe it.

I'll have fucking sex tonight and everything.

LAUGHTER

Yes, you will.

You lovely, horny little leprechaun!

Did you see the moment the jockeys arrived?

And the jockeys are waiting to make their way down the steps,

through the crowd and into the paddock.

I can't believe nobody was tempted

to play this music when they came out.

# Oompa loompa, doompadee doo

# I've got a perfect puzzle for you... #

It's great fun, you can even do it with the horses!

MUSIC: "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson

Did you watch the BBC coverage?

Clare Balding wins my award for

most convoluted description of a family tree, ever.

Ted is married to Helen. They have four children -

Jennifer who acts as agent to Ruby, who you know as the jockey...

Right.

..Katie, who is riding in the race, and her brother, Little Ted,

who is married to Nina Carberry.

Nina is riding in the race, her brother is also riding in the race.

Yeah...

Their father is called Tommy, and Tommy won the race on L'Escargot

in 1975, trained by Dan Moore,

whose son Arthur trains Organisedconfusion,

who's ridden by Nina Carberry, and also is her uncle.

LAUGHTER

Right, so who's Ted married to?

This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

It's a mystery guest who's been in the news

and I have to figure out who that person is.

So, please welcome my mystery guest!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Nice to meet you. I'm Russell.

-I'm Dorene.

-Thanks for coming on my show.

It's a pleasure.

I imagine there's something to do with knitting

and you have some weights there as well.

-No, nothing to do with knitting.

-Nothing to do with knitting.

-No.

-Does it have anything to do with the fitness equipment?

-Close.

-Close. Um, are you, like, a granny body builder?

-No.

You're not? I apologise.

Are you a spinster body builder?

-No, definitely not.

-OK.

Give me some clues.

It's stuff to do... Am I close?

What I do would do a lot of good for you.

LAUGHTER

You keep bitches in check?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Sorry. Sorry.

-Is this a clue?!

-WHOA!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

WHISTLING

Right.

No, it's not!

-It's unusual for you to be stuck for words, isn't it?

-It is, absolutely.

It feels like, if I close my eyes and I'm in an old folks' home,

it's like the best day ever.

It's like I'm 70 and looking around and going, "Oh, yes.

"Oh, oh.

"Oh.

"Oh, I don't need my medicine today."

So, Dorene, why were you in the news?

Well, because I am the oldest keep-fit instructor in England.

Well, there you go, that's great.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Are you going to show me how to keep fit?

-Of course I am.

-Let's do this.

-Right.

CHEERING

OK, I think we have to move this first. Out of the way. Sorry, love.

Right, I think that you need a lot of help with your movement.

Moving your body, shimmying your shoulders.

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

-And a sexy move.

-Is that sexy?

It is when you do it, but for me, it's like,

"I haven't taken my tablets."

Now, to help you, I've brought eight of my ladies.

Sweet, gang BANG!

CHEERING

Hello! Hello! Nice to meet you all! Hello!

Thank you so much.

-Right.

-Gang, are you ready?

-ALL:

-Yes.

-Let's start.

-Right.

-Right.

One, two, three, four.

Now, stretch, two, three, four.

Do it again. Two, three, four.

It's like we're the Sugababes.

-Now, hips. Come on, Russell.

-I'm trying!

I thought you were the young one.

I love the idea that someone's switching on now, going,

-"What's happened to Good News?!"

-Come along.

Push, push, stretch, stretch. Push, push.

Now, jump.

One and two and three and four.

CHEERING

-Now, follow me.

-Follow you?

-One, two, bounce, stretch.

-That's the Haka!

-Ka mate, ka mate!

-Swing the arms!

Up! One, two, three, four.

Up, bend.

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

A-one, two, three, four.

-Punch! Punch! High!

-Hey!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you so much.

There we go. Yeah?

A few years and he'll be all right!

Thank you very much. That was absolutely lovely.

Please, give it up for Dorene and the wonderful ladies.

CHEERING

I tell you what, a couple of great crime stories.

Firstly, there has been an incredible drunk man

arrested in Canada.

The police in Canada had an altogether more entertaining evening

after picking up one man who'd had a bit too much to drink.

'The man, who was picked up at 4am,

'managed to sing the entirety of Bohemian Rhapsody - air guitar

'and fake drumming included.'

Yes, he did. This man is amazing.

# I see a little silhouetto of a man

# Scaramouche! Scaramouche! Will you do the Fandango?

# Thunder bolts of lightning Very, very frightening me

# Galileo, Galileo

# Galileo, Galileo

# Galileo, Figaro

# Magnifico... #

Magnifico, indeed. This is the best bit.

He really saves the best for last.

# Oh, mama mia, mama mia

# Mama mia, let me go

# Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me

# For me

# For MEEEEEEEE! #

Yeah!

Genius!

APPLAUSE

The only way he could have improved that

is if he ended it by doing this...

Now, here's a Vietnamese traffic warden

who goes way beyond the call of duty.

Damn right! This is commitment!

LAUGHTER

HORN BLARES

"Call the police! Call the police!"

It's like the most full-on episode of Coach Trip ever.

"Did you give him a yellow card?"

"No, I Sellotaped the prick to the windscreen!"

"Help me!"

It just shows how hated traffic wardens are.

Look at the reactions of the locals.

"Oi, mate, you got a wanker on the front of your bus!

"Naa-aa-aah!"

Poor bloke, you think it can't get any worse for the traffic warden.

Have you heard what was playing on the bus driver's radio?

# Together we are Jedward... #

IMITATES GUNSHOT

APPLAUSE

Now, this is a lovely story about a nine-year-old kid called Caine.

He built a cardboard amusement arcade in his dad's shop.

The trouble is, no-one was coming

until a film-maker decided to give him the best day of his life.

ALL: Hi, Caine!

There you go, sometimes people can be awesome!

APPLAUSE

It's Saturday night, which means it's time for my stand-up guest.

So, please welcome the wonderful Paul McCaffrey.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello. AUDIENCE:

-Hello!

-How are we doing? Are you well? AUDIENCE:

-Yes.

Good.

It's nice to be here. I told my mum I was doing this

and she was very excited, obviously.

But she said, I don't want you swearing on there.

I've not brought you up to swear.

And she's right, my parents tried to bring me up properly.

I can remember when I was a kid,

my dad once let me stay up late to watch a documentary about the football manager Barry Fry.

He used quite colourful language did Barry Fry.

Now, my dad had let me stay up late to watch this documentary. He didn't want me to see any of the swearing.

He used the worst censoring method I have ever seen.

He had the remote control.

Every time Barry Fry swore, my dad would mute the television.

He'd un-mute it,

Barry Fry would swear again, he'd mute the television.

He'd un-mute it, Barry Fry... He ended up editing out everything except the swearing.

He never would have got a job on Radio One, no chance.

There is no swearing allowed on Radio One.

The problem is, sometimes,

they edit the swearing out of the songs on Radio One,

it completely changes the meaning of the song.

I'm sure we all know the Cee Lo Green song, Fuck You.

# I see you riding round town

# With a girl I love and I'm like, fuck you. #

It's quite an angry break-up song

in which Cee Lo Green expresses his displeasure

in seeing this guy driving round town with the girl he loves. Right?

They've got a clean version now. They just edited out the swearing.

The problem was, it made it sound like driving around town with the girl Cee Lo Green loves

was the kind of crazy caper this guy got up to all the time. It was like,

# I see you driving round town with the girl I love and I'm like...

# You. #

APPLAUSE

Eh?

Driving round town with the girl I love. What are you like?

So, with that in mind,

I'm going to kick things off this evening by telling you about a few things that piss me off.

And I'm going to start with this.

It seems to me at the moment, every time I go to get money out of the cash machine,

every time I go to withdraw cash from a cash machine, the person that uses it before me takes ten minutes.

Have you seen these people?

I'm actually starting to think there's an extra feature on there that I just haven't seen.

I don't know, Facebook?

Football highlights? I wonder whether banks have developed a sense of humour and actually

stuck a feature on their cash machines to piss off the person behind you in the queue.

Maybe that's why these people keep checking over their shoulder.

It's like, "Is there someone behind you?"

Yes.

"Do they look like they're in a hurry?"

Yes.

"Do you like the look of them?"

No.

"Then press here to play Sonic the Hedgehog."

I had a worse one the other day.

I was queuing up to use the cash machine the other day, I was second

in a queue of about six or seven people, I guess.

One queue, two cash machines.

We were just waiting for the first available machine and using that.

Pretty standard stuff.

A system we have probably all used at some point in our lives.

This woman appears beside me, taps me on the shoulder, and says, "Excuse me."

I said, "Yes."

She said, "Are you all queuing for that machine on the left?"

I said, "You what? No, I don't think so.

"We're just waiting for the first available machine and using that."

She said, "Well, I always queue for whichever machine I'm going to use."

I said, "Well, we didn't know you were coming, did we?

"We've had this whole unspoken arrangement

"whereby we just formed one queue and wait for the first available machine.

"Clearly what we hadn't factored in was the unexpected arrival of a fucking idiot."

I grew up in a small town. I'm sure other people did here this evening.

It's quite nice growing up in a small town.

What I possibly don't like about growing up or living in a small town is this. Everyone knows one another.

Sometimes, you go out to town on a Saturday afternoon, you'll bump into people you know.

Quite often, you'll end up on bumping into people you were really hoping you'd never see again.

So, for that reason, I limit my visits back there. Christmas is now when I go back. Just once a year.

I went back at Christmas, this happened. I bumped into this guy. I would never have

seen him again by choice,

just to give you an idea of the sort of person we are dealing with here.

I'm sure we've all met someone like this at some point in our lives. He's a dickhead.

But it was one of those situations where I'd seen him coming down the street,

he was waving, calling my name, he had clearly seen me.

I was stuck, I wasn't going to be able to avoid speaking to him.

Someone had told me he'd had a party on the previous Saturday.

So, I have to speak to him, it's fine, he had a party at the weekend,

we'll have a chat about that, we'll both be on our way.

So, I said, "Hello, John. Nice to see you. I hear you had a party at the weekend. How was that?"

And I have to stress, this is without editing, 100% genuinely what he replied. He went, "Yeah."

"Banging."

"Wicked, Paul. Till some bloke broke in,

"started wanking in my flatmate's face."

What?

I don't know about you lot, but as far as I'm concerned, if I'm having a party,

the minute someone breaks in and starts wanking in my flatmate's face,

the whole party has been a total disaster.

I don't care how much fun everyone was having up until that point.

If someone had a remote control and paused him when he said, "Wicked, until...",

I don't think I would ever have guessed what he was going to say next.

As far as I'm concerned, that little nugget of information is the headline of the story.

You'd start with that bit, surely? You wouldn't save that for the end.

Imagine that as a question on the What Happened Next section of a quiz show.

OK, question five, John's party.

It was wicked until what?

A, he ran out of booze?

B, he had a complaint from the neighbours about the noise?

Or was it C, someone broke in and started wanking in his flatmate's face?

Unbelievable.

So, I was driving around town the other day, actually.

I hit a pothole in my car. I don't know if anyone else has had this.

Snapped the suspension under the front two wheels of my car. I was livid.

£197 to have it fixed.

£197. I was furious.

I thought, this isn't my responsibility,

it's the council's pothole. They should have had it filled in, surely? They should pay for this.

I thought, right, strongly worded letter of complaint, that will sort this out. Out came the pen and paper.

I said, "Dear Waltham Forest Council, I've hit a pothole in my car.

"It snapped the suspension under the front two wheels, it's cost £197 to have it fixed.

"I don't think I should have to pay for this. It's your pothole, I want a refund."

About a week later, I get a letter back saying,

"Dear Mr McCaffery, we've had a look, you're absolutely right -

"on the date you mentioned, there was a pothole on the stretch of road you mentioned.

"However, we'd actually got some contractors in to come and fill the hole in.

"They hadn't turned up when they were supposed to.

"We think this is their responsibility and suggest you take this up with them.

"Thank you very much for your enquiry", is how they ended the letter.

Yeah, exactly. That's how I felt. I was livid.

A lot of big companies end replies to letters of complaints like this, thank you for your enquiry.

It wasn't an enquiry, it was a complaint.

What thank you for your enquiry means is, we've had a little look at your complaint,

we're not going to do anything about it, there's nothing you can do, fuck off.

Secondly, you don't start bringing the contractors into it. It's not the playground. Grow up.

You're the council. That's like grassing people up. "Oh, it wasn't our fault, it was the contractors.

"They said they'd be here, they never turned up."

Anyway, about ten days later, I get a speeding ticket on the same stretch of road.

It's a 30 mile an hour speed limit, I was doing 37. I'm a renegade, what can I say?

At first, I was furious. And then I thought, no, good opportunity for a bit of revenge.

Out came the pen and paper.

"Dear Waltham Forest Council, I've had a look, you're absolutely right.

"On the date you mentioned, I was doing 37 miles an hour on the stretch of road you mentioned.

"However, due to Champions League football, Coronation Street was on half an hour earlier than usual.

"I had to drive home at this speed in order to get home in time to watch it.

"I think this is ITV's responsibility. I suggest you take it up with them.

"Thank you very much for your enquiry."

I suffer from something called oral allergy syndrome. I don't know if anyone else suffers from this.

It means I'm allergic to a lot of fruit. It's a posh way of saying I'm allergic to fruit.

Pears, plums, apples is probably the worst one. Now, a girl I know recently offered me an apple.

I said, "I won't, thank you very much. I'm actually allergic." She said, "Oh, yeah?"

Bet you're just saying that to try and be cool.

I've done some pretty ridiculous things in my life in an attempt to be cool,

I wore a cravat,...

I've greeted someone by saying, "Yes, easy, dread."

I was part of a two-man Hampshire-based graffiti crew called the Mash-up Plenty Policeman Posse.

Extraordinary lengths I've gone to in an attempt to be cool.

I think even I would probably draw the line at pretending to be allergic to fruit!

I think the coolest thing I do now is going to music festivals.

You look like quite a festival crowd. I love a festival.

-AUDIENCE:

-Wooh!

-Yeah. That's right! My people!

My favourite kind of person, you get a good mix of people at a festival.

I think my favourite type of punter at a festival are these people

that think a festival is a good opportunity for them to reveal the real them.

You know, these people, they think they've got a wild side

and a festival is the chance for them to show it to the world.

You might bump into someone you work with,

and they'll walk towards you, and as they walk towards you,

they get this stupid look on their face like,...

Surprised? Yeah, I keep this side of me pretty well hidden at work.

All right, mate, you've got a Kings of Leon T-shirt, you're not a fucking werewolf.

And I hate being told because I'm at a festival, I have to have fun.

I think the most depressing phrase in existence is, "There's a time a place to have fun and this isn't it."

You know like when you're at school or work, people telling you it's not the place for fun.

I think the other side of that is just as bad.

People telling you that because you're in a club or at a festival, you have to enjoy yourself.

I got bullied into dancing at a festival last year. I'm not proud of this.

Unfortunately for me, my face's default setting is somewhere between worried and pissed off.

That's how it falls.

I'm waiting for my friend to come out of the gent's toilets at a festival,

and this is just how I enjoy myself...

The face, not waiting for my friend...

I'm not a pervert.

And as I'm stood there, I see this pack of angry ravers approaching and as they got close,

I could see the ringleader wasn't happy with me just stood there and they got up close and he went,

"Come on, mate, get into it. It's a festival!"

Rather than giving the correct response to this - "All right,

"I'm just waiting for my friend to come out of the toilet," I went...

Waited till he turned around, watched him walk away, thinking,

"Tell me to dance again, dickhead, see what you get."

He turned back around, and I went, "Ooh, sorry, OK." It became a bit of a catchphrase that weekend -

"Come on, it's a festival!"

I heard it again, I was asleep in my tent, it was about four o'clock in the morning

and some people had arrived late next to me putting their tent up.

I got woken up because one of them stamped on my head through the wall of my tent.

I went, "What the bloody hell are you doing?"

He went, "Come on, mate, get into it, it's a festival." I said, "Oh, sorry, I forgot(!)

"It's a festival. Go and get your mates, let's all have a stamp. Enjoy yourselves."

Then, they're at it again. About an hour later, screaming this time.

I'd just nodded off again. Screaming.

"Aaaargh! I've had too much ketamine!", this bloke was saying.

"I've had too much ketamine!" And I heard another voice saying,

"I know what will sort you out, mate. A nice big dab of MDMA."

I thought, thank God there's a health professional in there.

Oh, Dr Feelbad and his drugs for everything method.

What seems to be the problem here? Heart attack?

Go and get the acid.

So, this has been nice. It's gone well.

I don't like to brag but I think it's gone OK.

I don't like a bragger, I don't think anyone really does.

Particularly, I hate people who try and disguise the fact that they're bragging.

You know, these people, they'll try and trick you into thinking they're talking about something

and in actual fact, the whole reason they'll be talking about it is so that halfway through,

they slip a little brag in under the radar.

We've all encountered this. It'll be something like, "Bloody hell, had to get a new water filter today.

"Old one was broken. 25 quid for a new one from Boots.

"Bloody annoying.

"I could really have done with a drink of water as well, I'd just run ten miles in just under an hour.

Bloody thing was broken. I was in ASDA again today. God, that shop. ASDA. Awful place, isn't it?

That's stupid green uniform, the food's horrible.

The problem is it's the only place in town that sells extra large condoms,

so I have to keep going there.

The problem is, a lot of people that do it, they're very good. They're very skilful.

So everyone else has been fooled by them.

They think it's been a normal conversation. I start slagging them off, I become the bad guy.

I'm like, "Bloody hell, I don't think much of him. A bit of a big head, weren't he?

Everyone's like, "Oh, come on, Paul. What's wrong with you? He's a nice enough bloke.

"All he talked about was water filters and ASDA."

I tell you, I met a bloke last week that did exactly that and it pissed me off.

Last Wednesday, it was, quiz night at my local pub.

I was in there having a drink with an ex-girlfriend of mine,

glamour model, stunning. And this bloke...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been an absolute joy. I've been Paul McCaffery. Thank you very much.

Thank you. Cheers. Nice one.

Ladies and gentlemen, what a man, the wonderful Paul McCaffery!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much for watching Good News. Have an excellent Saturday night. Farewell.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Let's have it one more time.