Episode 3 Russell Howard's Good News Extra

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much! Thank you very much!

Thank you!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks very much. Thank you very much.

Hello and welcome to Good News. So, what's been happening?

Did anyone else see that giant reporter on Newsnight?

..and these are the first elections...

LAUGHTER

The BBC interviewed the man with the scariest eyes ever!

Well, Chris Yates is an aviation pilot and joins us now...

LAUGHTER

Did anyone else see Downing Street being robbed on the news?

People had expected...

LAUGHTER

Over at Newsnight, they had the least-threatening rap group EVER!

RAPS: Mess around with me and I'm gonna scratch your cat. Uh!

LAUGHTER

-RAPS:

-Underestimate my power I'm gonna kill your Chihuahua!

LAUGHTER

Staying in the world of music,

check out the Australian version of The Voice.

Is it me or does Seal appear to be masturbating?

LAUGHTER

# Don't you remember...? #

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So, what's been going on? Well, this guy has been everywhere.

-Simon Cowell.

-Simon Cowell.

-Simon Cowell.

-Simon Cowell.

-Simon Cowell.

-Simon Cowell.

-High trousers.

-LAUGHTER

-There was a book about him, he had an affair with Dannii Minogue,

but the thing that caught my eye was his beauty regime.

Have you seen what he does?

Every week, he is reportedly attached to a drip,

which pumps vitamins through his body.

He is said to travel with two suitcases

full of eye drops and face creams.

He also demands Botox injections twice a year.

He needs all the help he can get!

We've actually got a photo of him without Botox!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Not only that, apparently, he spends thousands on his hair.

How?!

-LAUGHTER

-It looks like a pube crash helmet!

It gets stranger. Look what else he does!

Simon's a fan of colonic irrigation.

He thinks it gives his eyes a certain sparkle.

-GROANING AND LAUGHTER

-Sparkle?!

If you want your eyes to sparkle, splash them with water -

-don't ram a hose up your arse!

-LAUGHTER

Besides, it doesn't make him sparkle, it makes his do this.

SLOSHING WATER AND LAUGHTER

Now, for me, this is his strangest habit.

How weird is that?

You won't be able to check what you've done!

-LAUGHTER

-Shut up - everyone checks!

LAUGHTER

Nobody knows why, but everyone checks!

It's one of life's mysteries, innit?

-It is not like you're ever going to go, "Oh, glitter!" you know?

-LAUGHTER

-"Tinker Bell's dead!"

-LAUGHTER

I doubt Cowell even wipes his own arse!

I heard he gets someone to do it for him and he is NOT happy.

LAUGHTER

Elsewhere, the race to become London mayor was back in the news.

Did you see this INCREDIBLE headline?

-Jesus!

-LAUGHTER

Remind to never go to his doctors!

"Erm...

"how does this test my fitness?!"

-LAUGHTER

-"Shut up, Howard, I'm nearly there."

-LAUGHTER

-"Oh, God, I feel like Seal."

LAUGHTER

Now, did you watch the Sky News debates?

Lib Dem candidate Brian Paddick had a bit of an identity crisis.

I'm a professional politician.

I'm NOT a professional politician. LAUGHTER

I am passionate.

I am NOT passionate.

LAUGHTER

Boris Johnson wins my award for biggest lie of the night.

You can do extraordinary things in Croydon.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That is simply not true.

Boris was clearly bored. At one point, he started doodling.

That wouldn't be honest either, but what I can comment on...

LAUGHTER

We have got hold of his drawing -

the Boris-Saurus-Rex!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, yeah, cos I'm on the BBC,

I have to give fair coverage to all the major players.

So, here's Green Party candidate Jenny Jones.

My name's Jenny Jones.

-Sorted!

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Know what? There's some insane health stories knocking about.

Check out the latest craze sweeping across Taiwan.

Tu Chin-Sheng is the grand master of Yin Diao Gong,

an extraordinary and controversial form of medicine

for men who want to be all they can be.

MEDICINE? Well, that is stretching it!

You'll get that joke in about five seconds.

Look what this "medicine" entails.

After deep breathing,

each man ties a soft sash around his penis and scrotum... LOUD GROANING

..and straps on a five-kilogram weight.

-SHOUTS:

-That is not medicine!

LAUGHTER

That is pervert croquet, that's what that is!

LAUGHTER

-"The Green's are good, aren't they, Barry?"

-LAUGHTER

It is insane!

This has to be understatement of the year.

Some doctors have suggested it may cause serious injury.

-LAUGHTER

-Fucking right!

He will have a dick like this guy's arm.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, why the hell are Taiwanese men doing this?

Master Tu believes conventional medicine

will one day recognise the benefits of this exercise

and see it as a safe alternative to potency-enhancing drugs like Viagra.

"An alternative to Viagra!" It's hardly going to be romantic.

"I tell you what, love. I'm going to make love to you all night,

"just as soon as I finish stretching my penis with this lead weight.

"You stay there love, you are in for the time of your life.

-"Oh, I wouldn't want to be you! Oh-ho-ho!"

-LAUGHTER

"Linda..."

LAUGHTER

"Linda, can you phone an ambulance, please?

"Make sure, it is a long one, I'm in real trouble here."

LAUGHTER

These guys don't just use it for sex. Check out this mad bastard.

The more experienced practitioners

are still to discover the limits of Yin Diao Gong.

One man even offering to pull a van. LOUD GROANING

-He is pulling a van with his wang!

-LAUGHTER

Let's hope to God the AA don't start doing that!

"Hello, love, I'm the fourth emergency service.

"Just warm the bad boy up! There we go!"

LAUGHTER

"Come on!"

"My car's not even broken."

"I'll be the judge of that, love!"

-LAUGHTER

-From one weird health story to another.

A cemetery in southern Italy is now so full

that the mayor has come up with a bizarre new law.

TRANSLATOR: I issued a challenging ordnance in which I said,

"Citizens, while we await the construction of the new cemetery,

"I order you not to die."

LAUGHTER

The trouble is this "nobody is allowed to die" law

isn't really working out.

The law has indeed proved challenging to enforce.

Within ten days of it being passed, two elderly residents disobeyed.

LAUGHTER

I love that, "Disobeyed"!

They make it sound like they found them in bed like that.

LAUGHTER

What are they going to do with people who break the law,

put them in jail?

What are you in for?

-FLIES BUZZING

-Strong, silent type, eh?

The screws won't get to you.

LAUGHTER

Oh?

Sleep on your belly, do you?

You are going to fit in just fine.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What?

Now, I've saved my favourite for last.

Over in Holland, a bloke has had an unusual reaction to an operation.

You have to check this out, it is SO beautiful!

HE GIGGLES

HE GIGGLES

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It's... It's SO great!

He's so happy and she looks like the grumpiest bulldog ever!

LAUGHTER

I'll tell you what, I could watch this man for hours.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Over in Australia, there's been an unusual theft.

Three British tourists have been accused

of breaking into a theme park in Australia,

swimming in the dolphin enclosure and escaping with a penguin.

LAUGHTER

Well, that is what I call a night out!

How pissed do you have to be?

"Shall we go to a nightclub?"

"No!"

LAUGHTER

"No, we need to steal Pingu!"

LAUGHTER

I'm surprised they managed to steal him.

Some penguins are pretty tasty.

PENGUIN SQUAWKS MAN SHOUTS

LAUGHTER

Not the oddest animal story of the week.

Have you heard about One Direction?

Liam and Harry have reportedly had a bit of a health scare in Australia

after handling a koala named Kat.

You're probably thinking they got a scratch.

Oh, no.

They're apparently worried that they could have caught chlamydia off the bear.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-I know they are cute but who bums a koala?!

-LAUGHTER

This poor guy saw everything.

LAUGHTER

MUSIC: "Mad World" by Gary Jules

APPLAUSE

"That's my fucking wife!"

LAUGHTER

Although, not everyone was appalled.

HE GIGGLES

Next up, have you seen how a group of men are promoting tourism in Scandinavia?

When tourism is down, there is nothing better to get it back up

than a video of naked men humping things.

-LAUGHTER

-Amen to that!

Now, look at the video these guys created

to get people to visit their country!

SOFT PIANO AND FLUTE MUSIC

POUNDING DANCE MUSIC

LAUGHTER

SOFT PIANO AND FLUTE MUSIC

POUNDING DANCE MUSIC AND LAUGHTER

SOFT PIANO AND FLUTE MUSIC

POUNDING DANCE MUSIC AND LAUGHTER

-It looks like Louie Spence's mind!

-LAUGHTER

How does that promote your country?!

If you like a place, write something nice on TripAdvisor, don't fuck it!

-LAUGHTER

-It is a funny video though, innit?

This guy's my favourite. Check this bloke out. Why?

Cos he's wearing a hat!

LAUGHTER

I also love this bloke.

WHAT is that?

LAUGHTER

That's not shagging, it's rapey yoga!

LAUGHTER

I'll tell you what, if that's how they sell their country,

can you imagine what their shopping channels are like?

-SCANDINAVIAN ACCENT:

-Hello!

Welcome to the shopping channel.

Gunter will now sell the toaster. Gunter!

Ahh! I love toasters! Oh!

He loves toasters.

'Warning, some of our toasters may contain pubes. Whoops!'

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Over in America, a WONDERFUL reaction to a fire.

An apartment kept fire crews busy this morning.

Five units were damaged

and the entire complex may be without electricity for some time.

You're probably thinking, "Russ, why are you showing me this?"

Because I'd argue this is the greatest eyewitness account to a fire you will ever see.

Well, I woke up to go get me a cold pop

and then I thought somebody was barbecuing.

I said, "Oh, Lord Jesus, it's a fire."

Then I ran out, I didn't grab no shoes or nothing, Jesus.

I was running for my life and then the smoke got me.

I got bronchitis! Ain't nobody got time for that!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-"I got bronchitis. Ain't nobody got time for that!"

-LAUGHTER

This woman is fantastic, right, but the bizarre thing about this story,

since she appeared on TV, she's become a celebrity.

She's been on talk shows, she's been in magazines -

some GENIUS even turned her rant into a song.

# Ain't nobody got time for that Ain't nobody got time for that

# Ain't nobody got time Ain't nobody got time

# Ain't nobody got time for that

# I said, "Oh, Lord Jesus, it's a fire!

# I said, "Oh, Lord Jesus, it's a fire!

# Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, it's a fire!

# I said, Lord Jesus, it is a fire I said, Lord Jesus, it is a fire

# I said, Lord Jesus, it is a fire

# Jesus, Jesus, Jesus

# Ain't nobody got time for that Ain't nobody got time for that

# Ain't nobody got time # Ain't nobody got time

# Ain't nobody got time for that. #

-Well, I think...

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..we all have time for that.

It is not my favourite fire-related story of the week.

Check out this incredible headline.

LAUGHTER

"Bastards!

"Not one copy of Felching Nemo."

LAUGHTER

The big sporting story of the week was, of course, this.

Blue skies, perfect conditions

and, for more than 35,000 runners, the ultimate challenge.

The London Marathon is that rare sporting event

where the world's fastest compete with the world's fanciest.

I love the marathon so much!

Not for the elite athletes, but for wonderful nutters like this.

I've broken the record for the fastest female insect.

The fastest marathon dressed as dairy product.

I've ran the fastest marathon in a gas mask.

LAUGHTER

Just SO brilliant! "Are you going to run it normally?"

"No, I am going to do it as a yoghurt."

LAUGHTER

Mind you, not everyone was pleased with their costume choice.

So, Les, how was it this afternoon?

It was awful. Absolutely awful.

"I'm dressed as a rhino. Me nipples are ruined!"

LAUGHTER

I'll tell you what I love, the spirit the race creates.

People running, the crowds cheering

and who doesn't like to see a lovely bit of crowd work?

CROWD CHEERS

CROWD CHEERS

-FEMALE:

-Yay! Your biggest smile!

CROWD CHEERS

So sweet, isn't it?

Now, one of the biggest talking points from the race

came from Prince Harry.

It is hardly news, these two have been doing it for years.

-"Hello!"

-LAUGHTER

I've got footage of them from last year.

"No-one knows we're here, Liz."

WIND BEING PASSED

-LAUGHTER

-"Oh, Philip, have you dropped one?"

-"Sorry, baby. Papa had a bulgy."

-LAUGHTER

My personal highlight of the marathon -

the signs held up by the crowd.

Some were a little bit cheeky...

"Run Bitches."

LAUGHTER

Some were a little bit racist...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

..and some simply offered practical advice.

LAUGHTER

Next up, there's been a study analysing the intelligence of footballers.

If you thought footballers were a bit dippy, think again.

A new study by researchers in Sweden,

has found they are often more intelligent than the rest of us.

That's right, apparently footballers are more intelligent than us.

I'm not so sure, some of them can get a bit tongue tied.

With Joey Barton, you know that, you know what to expect.

You know he's going to come strong in the tackle

and he is going to come in your face

and you have to be ready before the match...

GUEST LAUGHS

All right.

I'm not sure he'd go that far though!

Mind you, there is one person in football who is a genius.

I'm not talking Wayne Rooney or Stephen Gerrard,

I'm talking this man -

Bristolian legend Ian Holloway.

Oh, I could listen to him talk for hours.

Most football managers are like, "At the end of the day, it's a game of two halves, blah-bla-bla..."

Not Holloway.

Look what he said when Blackpool got promoted to the Premier League.

LAUGHTER

I love him so much.

He's like a football man just spliced with my mum.

I mean, who else describes a victory like this?

LAUGHTER

What's he even doing in that curtain? It's the best photo ever!

My all-time Holloway quote has to be this belter.

Here he is describing Cristiano Ronaldo.

LAUGHTER

There's more! There is more.

LAUGHTER

Boom.

APPLAUSE

This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

There's a mystery guest who's been in the news,

I have to figure out who that person is.

So, please welcome our mystery guest.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Nice to meet you. I'm Russell, what's your name?

-Natasha.

-Natasha. Thanks for coming on the show.

I imagine, Natasha, it has something to do with dogs.

Quite big dogs by the look of it because those are pretty big bones.

LAUGHTER

Don't!

Just saying they are big bones.

-Do you look after big dogs?

-Erm...

-No.

-Are you one of Snoop Dogg's bitches?

LAUGHTER

-No, you're not in the right area, no.

-Not in the right area, erm...

There's a trophy there. Have you got an award-winning dog?

-Yes, I have. Yes.

-You have an award-winning dog?

-Is that why you have been in the news?

-That's right, yes.

-What's the name of this dog?

-Dizzy.

-Dizzy the dog. What a lovely name!

-Have we got your dog?

-We might have.

What, really?!

Sweet. Would you like to meet Dizzy?

-ALL:

-Yes.

Diz! Diz-diz!

Steady.

ALL: Ahh!

Good girl. Hello!

All right, Dizzy?

-So, why have you been in the news?

-It was about two months ago.

Erm, basically, Dizzy and I competed at Crufts

and we are the agility champions.

-She won at Crufts?

-That's right, the agility class.

-Fantastic.

-That's worth a...

-APPLAUSE

-Well done. Well done.

-Thank you.

So, erm...

-what we were planning is for you to do some agility with Dizzy.

-Sweet.

So, to give you an idea of what to expect, we'll run a short VT.

Let's look at you in action. Are you up for that, babydoll?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

DIZZY BARKS

What are you doing? Come on.

Dizzy, please.

-OK, so are you ready to have a go?

-I am.

-So, we're going to start over here...

-Sorry, I just kicked your dog.

-..with the seesaw.

-LAUGHTER

-I didn't, it was an accident.

OK, so I'm going to talk you through what you're going to do with Dizzy.

-Right.

-So, this is the seesaw.

-Sweet.

-We're going to start her off.

I need to give you a treat - she needs a reward for it.

So, you're going to start her off in a moment... LAUGHTER

-Is that a cocktail sausage?

-Yes.

-Oh, interesting.

-LAUGHTER

GROANING

-So, you're going to say "seesaw"... Ooh!

-Sorry, go on.

-..and then she'll stop at the end and then give her a treat.

-OK, right.

-Along this side?

-Yeah, whichever side.

-Cool.

-So, get ready.

-Dizzy.

-OK, show her you've got the treat.

-Dizzy!

Ready? Seesaw. Come on.

Wheyyy!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-DIZZY BARKS

-She likes sausages!

-Yes.

Now we're going to do the tyre. So, we're going to set her up,

you're going to go the other side and recall her through the tyre by calling her name.

-Dizzy, sausage.

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK, finally, it's the weave.

OK? So, just say "weave".

-Sausage, weave!

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Well done.

Good girl.

I've got a surprise for you. I've been hearing that you've got a dog.

-I got a smasher, yeah.

-Have you?

-Yeah.

-What's his name?

-His name's Archie.

-Hm, OK. I think he might be here.

-Have you got my dog here?

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-How have you got my dog here?

-Can we bring in Archie?

My... he'll attack!

-Smasher! Top man!

-GROANING AND CHATTERING

Top man, come here.

Archie!

-Archie, top mutt.

-There you go.

-Cheers, man.

Hey!

-Look at all these arseholes! Look.

-LAUGHTER

ALL: Ahhh!

-Are you the number one smasher in the world?

-LAUGHTER

He's got attitude. What an absolute cracker!

So, you want to do some agility with him?

Yeah, he wants to attack.

Archie, do you want to see... Oh, I don't want him to do it.

-I just like him being naughty!

-LAUGHTER

Top mutt, let's do some agility. Do you fancy that?

I tell you what, he's not going to.

-He is going to piss on something!

-LAUGHTER

Archie, this is your moment to be on telly and you're going to nail it.

-"Damn right, I am, sir!"

-LAUGHTER

"These pricks better recognise."

Right, let's do this bit, through here and again with...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I know he'd like to say a few words

because there's a particular dog that Archie hates

and he'd like to say this to the camera. Wouldn't you?

Monty?

Monty, if you are watching...

-I hate you...

-LAUGHTER

..and I'm going to kill you.

-Ladies and gentlemen...

-LAUGHTER

..the end of the mystery guest.

I'm going to take this smasher for a treat.

-Please give it for the wonderful Natasha!

-Thank you.

-LAUGHTER

-And for Archie. Top mutt!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Take a look at this story from Iran.

This Iranian guy, 21-year-old,

thought it'd be a really great idea to have a tattoo on his penis.

LAUGHTER

We haven't got a picture, but we do have what he wrote on it.

Which means...

LAUGHTER

The trouble, is when it's cold, girls will be going,

"Why does it say "boat" on your dick?" It's madness.

If you are going to get ANYTHING tattooed on your penis, get this.

Ain't nobody got time for that! LAUGHTER

The best thing about this story -

the penis tattoo didn't exactly work out.

Since that happened, he now has a permanent erection.

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

I think this guy sums it up best.

HE GIGGLES

APPLAUSE

Tonight's story is about Claire Squires,

who tragically died running the London Marathon last weekend.

Claire's aim was to raise just 500 quid for the Samaritans

but with the incredible outpouring of support from around the world,

donations have been continuing to come in at, like, £14,000 an hour.

Look at this, it's wonderful.

The 30-year-old hairdresser from Leicestershire

collapsed near St James' Park, on the final stretch of the course.

The tributes have been pouring in, but so too have donations.

In 24 hours Claire's story has gone global,

with hundreds of pounds worth of donations

made by strangers every minute.

At the beginning of the day the total stood at around £3,000.

Now, it is nearing £99,000...

..£180,000...

..£218,000...

..£264,000...

..£597,000...

And this is not people giving large sums of money.

In many cases, it is £5 or £10,

showing this cause is having an increasingly widespread appeal.

Others got in touch from Australia, New Zealand and Tokyo,

as different nations have woken up to the story.

She was the most beautiful person, inside and out,

but she had no idea of it.

She had no arrogance about her at all.

She was a giver all the time.

Claire was already well-known in her hometown as a tireless fundraiser,

now her story is inspiring thousands of strangers all over the world.

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for my stand-up guest

so please welcome her today, it's the wonderful Dana Alexander!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

All right!

Fantastic! Oh, my gosh, so nice to be here.

As you can tell, I have a little bit of an accent.

I made the mistake of moving from Toronto to Tottenham.

LAUGHTER

Google that shit.

That's all I have to say.

They burned my entire neighbourhood down in a riot last summer.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

-I know!

They even burned my gym down. The riots made me fat.

LAUGHTER

Very exciting. So exciting to be in England now. I'm an immigrant now.

-AUDIENCE:

-Woo!

I love saying that in rooms full of white English people.

A lot of them get really quiet.

LAUGHTER

Then you always get that one person that pipes up, "Oh, so...

"Are you staying?"

Like, "Yes, specifically to take your job."

And then I always get challenged because I am in stand-up.

They're like, "If you were any good at your job, why wouldn't you go to Los Angeles?"

Let's be real, I am a little chubby for Los Angeles.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

I know, I had to come to the UK!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooooo!

I know, you guys let ugly people on TV!

LAUGHTER

I shouldn't say that, we also let ugly people on TV in Canada.

We call it "a documentary".

Lots of fun. Oh, my gosh, lots of stuff is new to me, living in the UK.

I didn't know gypsies were real!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Lots of stuff is new to me. I didn't know about posh. That's new to me.

The only thing we know about posh in Canada is a Spice Girl.

You go to certain areas in England and they think everything...

There is this one area, I can't remember the name of the area

but everybody in this neighbourhood thought they were better than me,

even the pigeons in the park were just like...

LAUGHTER

It's nice to travel around.

One of my good friends, a Welsh friend of mine, 22-years-old,

he told me it wasn't until he was 22-years-old that he met his very first black person.

Which is fine, the problem I had is that he likes gangsta rap.

I had to explain the shit, "You know 50 Cent, he's not our ambassador."

It's tough, it's tough listening to a lot of hip-hop

cos a lot of it I find very negative.

I'm like, why does it always have to be so negative, hip-hop?

I figured out. It's because a lot of negative stuff rhymes with black.

Crack, smack, attack...

Even if you're in IT, you just pretend you're a gangster

because it's too hard to rhyme shit with computer!

LAUGHTER

Oh, my gosh. So it is a lot of fun travelling around here.

I went to the United States. Anybody here ever been to the United States?

AUDIENCE WHOOPS Woo! You know what, as a Canadian...

Everybody feels the way that they feel about Americans,

but I've actually started to feel really bad for Americans,

cos, moving to this country, everybody thinks I am one.

Then they treat me like shit.

It's interesting when you see how the Americans roll.

I went to go and visit my family in Miami.

It was my very first time to hear a gunshot.

Woo! That was fun.

Me and my brother, we just got down on the ground.

My cousin looks at us, she's like, "What?"

Y'all ain't got gunshots up in Canada?

Like, no!

We also have white people in Canada.

There were no white people in Miami, it shocked the hell out of me.

She's all like, "Oh, yeah, we got two white kids in our school,

"but I'm nice to them."

LAUGHTER

It's interesting going to the United States,

cos you see Americans on television and you're like,

"No, they can't really be that ignorant," but then I went to the United States.

My cousin actually asked me, she's like, "So, who did you vote for?

"McCain or Obama?"

I'm like, "I live in a different country

"from you, I can't vote in your federal election."

She's like, "Oh! I thought we took y'all over."

LAUGHTER

We're flaky, us North Americans.

You guys noticed North Americans are too flaky?

Any time you have any type of unsavoury behaviour

in North America, it is always classified as a disease or a disorder.

Then instead of sorting your life out, you just tell everybody, "I suffer!

"I'm a hoarder."

Clean your fucking house, how is that...!

How is this a disease?

Oh, my gosh.

Do you ever find that there's certain diseases

only happen in certain ethnic groups?

For example I could never be a kleptomaniac.

Do you know what a black kleptomaniac is?

A thief.

So, yes, it was interesting.

The United States has had a lot of fun.

So who watched the inauguration of Obama?

A FEW WHOOPS A couple of people.

I was so excited watching the inauguration,

except for the parade part

when he was just walking out in the open, I was like, "Stay in the car!"

Do you know what I mean? JFK sat in the car.

If I was Obama I would have a bullet-proof hamster ball.

LAUGHTER

Very exciting. A lot of people are very hard on Obama.

We forget that Obama has to govern Americans. That's not easy.

I saw a guy on CNN protesting free healthcare

with one tooth in his mouth.

LAUGHTER

I'm serious. He's just sitting there, "I don't think it's a good idea."

Can you imagine being the president of that? It's hard.

It's not easy.

I find Canadians... I feel like such a giant in this country.

I feel like Gandalf, do you know what I mean?

Just around a bunch of hobbits!

I don't know what it is, I don't know what it is about being

a tall woman that will always attract the smallest men.

When you see him from across the way you think he might be the right height

but then he gets closer...

And closer...

And then he always looks at you like he's going to climb a mountain, he's like...

I'm like, "You can't have what you can't reach."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's why the cookies are on the top shelf.

LAUGHTER

Terrible. You know what, one good thing about being a giant,

I'm never afraid that anyone's ever going to drug my drink.

Cos if they have any foresight at all,

how the fuck are they going to get me home?

You've to get creative about that.

There's just, like, a shopping trolley.

Yes, so I'm single again. Make some noise if you're in a relationship. Who's in a relationship?

WHOOPING

Awesome, who's single? WHOOPING

You notice that they always sound happier?

LAUGHTER Every single time.

I have a little bit too much personality,

so I always have to tone my stuff down, especially if I'm on a first date.

It's terrible, especially if you're on a date with

a guy that's really boring, but you know you want to get laid.

LAUGHTER

It's very easy, it's very easy what to do in that situation -

just pretend you're a little bit dumb.

Seriously, he's telling you the most boring story

you've ever heard in your life, you're like, "Oh, my God! Really?"

"You're so funny!" LAUGHTER

"Oh, my God!"

My mind was like, "Fuck me, please."

"This is so depressing." LAUGHTER

I do like the burly guys. I like when guys can do some manly stuff.

Sometimes I get the ones who are a little bit too manly.

Ever had sex with a guy that sweats too much?

AUDIENCE GROANS She knows.

I'm a good sport though, so I'm laying there and I'm like, hee hee.

And then I just reach over to the side table and I grab a tissue...

LAUGHTER

He looks down at me, and he's like, "Would you please stop doing that, it's not sexy!

I'm like, "It's getting in my eyes!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yes, you can probably tell by that accent,

my ex is Italian.

It's interesting when you date outside of your race because

you find out that your cultures have things in common that you never thought you had in common.

My ex is Italian and we're having sex and I'm like, "Don't touch my hair."

And he's like, "No, don't touch my hair!"

It's very confusing for me, cos his hair was everywhere!

LAUGHTER

I'm like, "Do you want me to touch you in your eyeball?"

So it's 2012, I'm old, I'm 30 now.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

Really.

It's funny how something as small as a grey pubic hair can make you want to change your life.

30 years old. You know the thing I'm afraid of when it comes to ageing?

I have an aunt right now. She's going a bit senile.

She believes that the ghosts in the house want to rape her.

That's not even the funny part. The funny part is my cousin's reaction.

Like, "Why would the ghosts want to rape you

"when my fine coochie is sitting in the next room?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yes!

Anybody here afraid for the children? I am afraid for the kids.

Have you guys seen how little kids are dressing?

It's shocking.

I saw a six-year-old girl wearing high-heeled shoes. I am like, what!

I can't believe your mother lets you out of the house like that.

She's like, "Shut up, I make my own money."

LAUGHTER

I think it's the discipline.

They don't discipline kids the way that we used to get disciplined.

Now you see a lot of fun things. You guys look like you are a younger generation.

Make some noise if you were ever put on a leash or a lead as a child.

WHOOPING

There's no hope.

I don't know how you could put your child on a leash or a lead

and expect things to get better.

I saw a kid in a harness, with a helmet on.

LAUGHTER

I'm not a psychiatrist, but I know this,

it's time for a beating.

LAUGHTER

I know you can't say beatings in 2012, people get really sensitive.

I'm not talking about knocking out some teeth,

I'm talking about a formalised spanking.

I was spanked as a child, that's why I'm not a prostitute today.

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

And it's the toys, you see the toys that we give kids?

I remember getting the lamest toys as a kid.

I remember getting this one toy.

It was like, "This is a raccoon on a string, just pull it."

Have you seen the new toys that kids have. Have you seen Tickle Me Elmo?

Have you seen this toy? This doll will not stop evolving.

Do you know that Elmo now has a stand-up comedy routine?

Elmo can actually tell your child a story at the end of the night.

I wish Elmo would just tell your kids the truth,

which is, "Your parents do not want to play with you."

LAUGHTER

That is the truth.

Beatings don't even work on all the kids in my family.

We had to convince my little cousin that the bogeyman is real.

You ever do that to a kid under five years old?

It works.

Any time she starts to act up, her grandmother is just like,

"Desani, I'm going to call him."

This baby's on the ground and she's like, "No!"

Her grandma picks up a cell phone and she is like boo-boo boo-boo.

"Hello, is the bogeyman there?"

LAUGHTER

She's like, "You're lucky, Desani, he's not home right now. You're lucky!"

LAUGHTER

It's terrible. Oh, I miss those young days. I miss those young days.

I'm at that age where I'm too old for the dance club

but I'm not yet a cougar.

Do we have cougars out here?

Like, "Don't give up our location!"

Oh, my gosh. What I wouldn't give to be a cougar!

I feel like the world cougar is so negative,

I feel we need to change the word cougar to hero.

Role model, you know what I mean?

Cos if I'm 50 years old and I'm tapping 25-year-old ass,

the only thing I need is a pimp suit.

That is the only thing that I need.

Do we have broke people out here? Anybody broke?

WHOOPING Living in London, that's a new broke!

That's the funnest thing to do in London,

sit around with your friends and compare how broke you are.

I was so broke out one point I couldn't even go on a date,

I couldn't even go on a date for drinks.

I'm like, "Um, maybe you want to walk around my block with a cider?"

He's like, "It's 10.00am!"

I'm like, "I won't judge you."

LAUGHTER

Yes, London, nothing shocks people in London. Even after the riots...

The riots, they burnt down my neighbourhood.

The only thing my cousin had to say was, "Oh, them burn down the buses,

"them burn up the shop.

"Them not understand, what are you going to do when you want milk?"

"Just burn down the police station and call it a day."

LAUGHTER

Nothing shocks... I got on the tube. This guy gets on behind me.

He has Doritos all over his breasts.

LAUGHTER

Then he starts talking to somebody that's not there.

Then he starts falling asleep.

This is the face of everybody on the tube...

LAUGHTER

I thought I was hallucinating. I'm like, "Can you see him?"

Sorry, I'm from Canada.

We stare.

Any of you guys get the jumpers? People actually try to

kill themselves jumping in front of the tube?

Aren't there are easier ways to die?

If you are that serious about dying, I'll push you.

My question is, do you have to do it at 5:30pm?

Rush-hour traffic.

You think the world hated you before.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you guys very much. I've been Dana Alexander.

Take care. Have a good night.

APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING

Thank you, that was the wonderful Dana Alexander!

Thank you very much for watching Good News. Good night.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING