Episode 4 Russell Howard's Good News Extra

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you, thank you.

Hello and welcome to Good News. So, what's been happening?

Over on Newsline, they interviewed Jedward's nan.

We've got Ruth Mackenzie, the director of the London 2012...

Dan Lobb was so excited, he got his cock out.

-THUD

-Crikey!

BBC Breakfast interviewed the man with the biggest guitar ever.

The Elizabethan instrument...

Finally, I don't know what's going on here,

but I'm pretty sure this guy is happy.

Big news of the week, the new England manager

was going to be Harry Redknapp, but instead we've got this guy.

Roy Hodgson has officially been named as the new England manager.

The big question, though, is what happened with Harry Redknapp,

the choice of many fans and footballers?

When I saw it on the news last night, I screamed at the television.

It's so gutting, everyone wanted Harry and instead we've got Roy!

Fair to say, the fans have not taken the news well.

This is awful.

That is just madness.

Roy Hodgson? Are they on crack?!

'Roy Hodgson looks set to be the next England manager...'

HE WAILS

APPLAUSE

It was even worse on Twitter.

My favourite anti-Hodgson Tweet was this.

In fairness, he's got a point.

Everyone was depressed

that Roy Hodgson was chosen as England manager.

Well, I say everyone...

It's not the strangest sports story.

Have you heard the latest about the Olympics? Bad news for babies!

Babies will be banned from this year's London Olympics

unless they have their own ticket.

That's right, babies have been banned from the Olympics.

A lot of people are outraged, but come on, babies don't belong there.

Imagine the noise inside the stadium.

They do not react well to unusual sounds.

BABY GURGLES

BRRRRRRR!

Just leave them at home!

Put them in the bouncer and slam on some Johnny Cash.

MUSIC: "Folsom Prison Blues" by Johnny Cash

In fact, that's actually

how me and my brother are going to watch the Olympics.

It's not the... That's so much fun, I cannot tell you how much!

It's not the weirdest Olympics story of the week.

Have you seen how they're planning to protect the Olympic Stadium?

Residents living in a block of flats in East London are being told

they could have surface-to-air missiles positioned on their roof.

I tell you what, that is really going to change EastEnders.

EASTENDERS THEME TUNE

So, what else has been happening?

Well, it was all kicking off at Tottenham Court Road.

A man has been arrested after threatening to blow himself up

in the heart of London's shopping district.

Police snipers were called in and thousands of people were

evacuated from nearby buildings during a three-hour

stand-off on Tottenham Court Road.

Did anyone see the drama unfold?

Luckily, Sky News had experts on hand.

'Something is going on in that office.'

Cheers, Sky(!)

"There's a man with hands, doing a thing!

"I saw it with my eyes, I'm telling you with my mouth."

My favourite part of the story

is how the police got the guy to surrender.

'Police in the UK have a long history

'of almost boring people to death.'

They bored him to death!

# I know a song that will get on your nerves

# Get on your nerves Get on your nerves

# I know a song that will get on your nerves

# And it goes like this. #

# Baby, baby, baby, oh... #

What's been going on with the weather?

Two weeks ago, it was bone dry. Now, it's like this.

Torrential rain.

-Flood warnings.

-Strong winds.

-Trees down.

-Filthy, foul, soaking day.

It's wetter than an otter's pocket.

An otter's pocket?

Our weather has been like watching Question Time, then Loose Women.

Really dry, then totally shit.

It's so annoying, this must be the wettest drought ever!

Although in fairness, not everyone hates a flood.

Here we go, puddle at the bottom of the hill, coming up!

Come on, come on!

YEEEAAHH!

BRILLIANT!

Have you heard the latest about kids?

Children as young as ten

are accessing explicit and violent material online.

Or, as the Daily Mail put it...

Addicted to porn, aged ten. I tell you what, the world has changed.

The closest I got to porn when I was that age was

when one of my mates did this.

Porn would have freaked me right out!

"Why has that woman got a gerbil in her lap?"

"Oh, my Lord!"

"This film makes no sense, Dave! It makes no sense!

"He's turned up dressed as a plumber. He ain't done no plumbing!"

"That is not how you fix a radiator, what's he doing?!"

"No wonder she's moaning."

"Well, someone's hungry!

Mind you...

..One thing I will say, it's pretty rich of the Daily Mail

to complain about kids looking at porn. Have you seen their website?

Half naked lady, half naked lady, half naked lady,

cock in a frock.

Classic Daily Mail -

"Ban porn! But do check out Kelly Brook's growler."

Such an overreaction. Not all kids are watching filth.

Some are in the garden,

just having a bit of innocent fun with their mates.

Oooh!

From one shocking story to another.

Now to the Arkansas police officer under investigation this morning

for using a Taser on a ten-year-old girl.

That's right... Don't laugh!

A policeman Tasered a ten-year-old girl!

So, what terrible crime did this evil child commit?

Kelly King says her ten-year-old daughter was acting out,

refusing to take a shower.

Holy shit! How over the top is that?

"Have a shower." "No!"

ARRRRRR!

The poor girl will never miss a shower again!

She'll be scrubbing for hours.

HE WHIMPERS

By the time she's done, she'll look like this.

Times have changed.

When my mum was naughty, they didn't Taser her,

they just put a budgie on her head.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Mind you, we shouldn't be surprised. This is America.

Their police are pretty hard core.

Listen to this emergency call from a concerned parent.

What was the police response?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

In fairness,

we have all seen an annoying child we'd like to shoot.

# Baby, baby, baby, oh... #

Now for some strange science.

Did you hear about this?

It's probably not what you would wear to nip to the shops

or drop the children at school,

but then this cape is unique.

It's made from the thread of more than a million golden orb spiders.

If your mum rocked up to school like that,

it would freak you right out. "All right, Russ?"

"The spiders made my cardigan."

"Did they, Mum?" "Yeeeeeah...

"and the hedgehogs have made my slippers."

"Mum, have you been taking your pills?"

"Nooo."

This story is so weird.

Check out the creepy way they make this cape!

To make this cape, the spiders are prised from their webs

first thing in the morning

and clamped into special harnesses.

They put them in a fucking harness!

Argh! It gets worse. Look what they do next!

A long continuous golden thread is then extracted by hand.

"ARGH!

"Get your finger out of my arse!

"Nooo!

"I just want to eat flies!

"I just want to eat flies!"

That is the weirdest job ever.

There must be a moment when you're pulling white stuff

out of a spider's anus when you go,

"You know, I should really have tried harder at school."

In fact that should be an advert.

"Dave didn't do his homework and now he's fingering a daddy long legs."

LAUGHTER

There's probably one bloke at home going, "Sounds like my dream job!"

Despite all this madness, the reporter claims the spiders love it.

After about 20 minutes,

the spiders are released unharmed back into nature.

Unharmed?!

Unharmed?! "All right, Barry, where have you been?"

"Aarr...

"He wore me like a glove."

"They were pulling for 20 minutes before they realised

"it wasn't my thread."

AUDIENCE GROANS

"Look at it!

"It looks like a Christmas stocking."

My favourite animal story of the week though is this belter.

There was a kung fu hamster

terrorising people in Slovakia.

The reason I love this story so much

is because a genius took a photo of the hamster.

Prepare yourself.

This is one of the greatest photos you will ever see.

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The best thing - not only is he throwing kung fu shapes,

look at his mouth,

it looks like he's going, "Surprise, arsehole!"

Elsewhere in Britain, check out this terrifying headline.

HE GASPS

What did the body turn out to be?

This is such a bizarre story.

A fake ET was stolen by burglars from an old lady's house

and then two months later, he turns up on a beach.

Here he is, reunited with his owner

and he doesn't look in any way freaked out by the experience.

I knew ET would come home.

How scared does he look?

Look at that!

He looks like he's been living in Charlie Sheen's mind.

Like someone's drawn baby's eyes on an old man's scrotum -

he does not look well.

A classic local news story.

Check out the dramatic re-enactment.

A 999 call to coastguards and police from a walker

who's seen a body floating in the sea.

But it's not human, ET has come home.

Minus his magic healing finger.

Washed up on a beach,

missing a finger?

He wasn't kidnapped.

He was on a stag do!

CLUB STYLE DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

That's what he was doing.

ET on a stag do.

What else?

Remember the Dutch guy from last week? He had a hip operation,

now he can't stop doing this.

LAUGHS RAUCOUSLY

Well, he's back in the news.

Since we showed him, he's become a massive celebrity in Japan.

He's still laughing,

his wife is still really, really grumpy.

She hates him so much

and he loves winding her up.

Listen to this.

I think we all know how this is going to end.

MUFFLED LAUGHTER

SHE CACKLES

Over in Holland,

a shocking new TV show.

A couple of publicity hungry Dutch TV show hosts

had a disturbing meal.

How disturbing?

They ate each other's flesh.

AUDIENCE GASPS

They ate each other's flesh?

Ain't nobody got time for that!

Let's meet these freaks!

'Dennis Storm and Valerio Zeno

'had small pieces of their abdomen and posterior surgically removed,

'then cooked by a chef.

'They then ate it on their own show.'

They chopped off bits of their arse

and cooked them in a frying pan.

I'd love to see Gordon Ramsay do that.

Fuck! Shit! Piss! Wank!

Son of a bitch!

Done.

It makes you wonder though, if you had to eat someone, who would it be?

I asked my brother, he said he'd eat Cheryl Cole,

but I'm not sure he understood the question.

He's obsessed with her. He made me do this.

If you're watching, Cheryl, I'm sorry.

This is actually my brother, Daniel.

Cheryl, call me.

Oh. Supper's up.

Supper's up, everybody.

This is part of the show I genuinely know nothing about.

This could be a mystery guest who's been in the news

and I have to figure out who that person is.

So, please welcome my mystery guest.

-Hello. I'm Russell, what's your name?

-Pali.

Pali, what a great name.

-So I imagine it has something to do with food.

-Yes.

OK. Er, do you run a fine restaurant?

Er...kind of, yes.

Kind of, it's a shit hole?

-You'll have to give me another clue.

-It's Italian food.

-Yes.

Pizza! >

-It's what, love? Oh, pizza.

-Yes.

-Oh, right, OK.

Are you some form of pizza flinger?

That sounded like a horrendous euphemism for...

"That bloke's a pizza flinger!"

You're very close actually.

-You're a pizza flinger?

-Something like that.

Er, you like slapping your dough about?

-You're renowned for your meat feast?

-Yes.

-Nice, nice.

Look into the camera and say, "Damn right, baby."

That will be a lovely moment for you.

-You're renowned for your meat feast?

-Damn right, baby.

-Ah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-So do you hold a record?

-Yes.

So I'm close, you have the record for spinning pizzas around.

-Kind of, yes.

-OK. Well, what is the actual answer?

I was in the news lately because I'm the fastest pizza maker in the world.

There you go, excellent.

How quickly can you make a pizza?

-I've got the world record of making three pizzas in 39 seconds.

-Wow.

APPLAUSE

So you're literally a dream for people who smoke pot.

They should have a little version of you in their cupboard.

"Oh, we need a... Yeah, the pizza pixie done it again!"

-Exactly.

-Of course. So are we going to make some pizza?

-Yes, we are.

-Let's do this.

APPLAUSE

Right. So, go on, make that pizza.

-I'm going to teach you by the way.

-Great.

-OK, so this is our dough that comes out.

-Yes.

-We are going to define the edge.

-Yes.

Just like this, this makes a nice crust.

-Then we're going to stretch it to size.

-Yes.

Don't laugh at the words "stretch it to size"!

-Once you've done that, maybe you can do this.

-Oh, yes. That's good.

AUDIENCE WHOOPS

-Nice work.

-We place it down onto a screen. OK.

Get some sauce.

-Spread it around nicely.

-Yes.

-OK. Now with this...

LAUGHTER

With this competition, as much as it's called the fastest pizza maker,

-you have got to make it with a proper quality.

-Of course.

-Sprinkle some cheese on.

-Yes.

-OK, then I'm going to put some pepperoni on there. And voila.

-Sweet.

There you go. And now my turn.

We're going to add a twist to your one, Russell.

I want to make a pizza that will be called a Russell Howard Special.

Sweet.

I've got an idea, let's do two pepperonis as eyes

and one of them slightly off.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Are you ready?

-Yes.

-Ready, set, begin.

-Define the edge.

CHEERING

Stretch it out, stretch it, that's it.

-Make sure you're being nice to the dough.

-I'm being nice.

-Yes.

-OK, so now you're going to place it onto the screen.

-Ooh yes, lovely.

-Something like that.

-Um-mm.

-Get some sauce.

-I would have made about ten by now.

-Tender, treat it right.

-OK, yes.

-Some cheese on there.

-Cheese.

Pepperoni.

One eye, one eye, one eye, the other eye, sad eye.

I think the chicken will...

Chicken for the mouth, good thinking.

Bacon mouth, bacon mouth, there you go. And an onion.

-This is supposed to be the fastest.

-It is very fast.

-That's me.

-And that's it. Brilliant.

APPLAUSE

-Why don't we go against each other and see who's quickest?

-Yes?

-But you're only allowed to use one hand.

-Yeah?

Seems fair.

-But they've got to be good though, yeah?

-They've got to be good.

-I'll go that side.

-You go this side.

-So one handed.

-I'm doing it with two. Right, ready?

Right, define the edge, go, go.

SHOUTING AND CHEERING

CHANTING: Russell, Russell, Russell.

APPLAUSE

Look at that, even with one hand yours is magnificent.

Don't.

I would shake you hand, but I'm covered. Let's fist bump.

Ladies and gentlemen, round of applause for Pali.

Bad news for the economy, we're in recession.

A major blow to the economy...

Britain is officially back...

Into a double dip recession.

-Double dip.

-Double dip.

Double dip recession.

I wish they wouldn't call it a double dip.

A double dip sounds like something

posh boys call a threesome, doesn't it?

"Cleggy, get Boris, let's have a double dip."

Talking of posh boys, does anyone trust George Osbourne?

He doesn't look like the kind of guy to solve a financial crisis.

He looks like the kind of bloke

you'd see in Tesco smiling at the cheese.

So why are people so angry with George?

Well, a lot of it is to do with pasties.

Hundreds of bakers protested in London against government plans

to put 20% sales tax on hot takeaway food.

People were livid. I've never seen anyone get this angry over a snack.

-You can take our freedom, you Tory

-BLEEP,

you will NOT take my fucking sausage rolls!

He's like a chubby Braveheart.

All this economic turmoil has put Labour ahead

in the polls.

Let's be honest, though, is Ed Miliband ever going to get in power?

Would you really vote for this guy?

Eh...

A lot of people don't even know who he is!

Does anyone really know who Ed Miliband is?

I have no idea. Who is he?

-Do you recognise him?

-Yeah, David Miliband.

You've been two years in the job.

Shouldn't they know which brother you are?

APPLAUSE

Now, this is the inspirational story of Josh Dueck,

a paraplegic skier who set himself an amazing goal.

Back in 2004, aspiring pro-skater and friend of mine Josh Dueck

broke his back when a flip on skis went tragically wrong.

He ended up a T11 full paraplegic, which pretty much means that he

had no feeling in his body from about this point down.

Last year, we worked on a documentary together called The Freedom Chair,

and during filming, Josh just blew me away

with what he was able to do on a sit-ski.

While we were out filming, the whole time,

Josh kept talking about wanting to go upside down on snow again,

so here we are in Whistler, and we're going to try and make it happen.

It all started a few months back at Woodward's at Copper.

I started jumping around in the foam pit

and I realised the backflip was possible. From there, the natural progression

was to bring it on to the airbag at Blackcomb in their train park.

And then it was on.

Woah-ho-ho!

Wo-o-oo!

CHEERING

This is something I've been dreaming about ever since I was laid out in the hospital.

I've wanted back on the horse ever since I got knocked off.

To be able to go back out there and do this flip with all my friends...

It simply does not get any better than that.

-Pretty cool, though. Pretty cool.

-APPLAUSE

Now it's time for my stand up guest.

Two things you need to know about him - one, he's Norwegian, two, he's very funny.

So, please give it up for the brilliant Daniel Simonsen!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

-AUDIENCE:

-Hello!

-Are you OK?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes.

-Yeah. I'm Daniel, I'm a comedian from Norway,

so it's going to be a lot of fun.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, I think comedians always speak in the same way, you know?

Like, you come out on the stage and say, "Hey, how you guys doing?

"Is it a good mood in the crowd?

"Anybody been to the bank?"

I would never talk like that if I was at dinner, you know.

Just sit around the dinner table - "Hey, how you guys doing?

"Enjoying the food?

"Anybody been to the bank?" LAUGHTER

I went to the bank the other day...

It was closed, so I just went home.

I was really disappointed with that joke.

It would've been more fun for the audience if the bank was open.

And something funny happened.

But it was just closed, so...

it really sucks for you guys.

It would've been funny if there was some guy there and he took out money,

but he took out too much,

and he goes, "Oh, no, too much money!"

But that didn't happen, because the bank was closed.

I had to leave Norway, because in Norway,

it's only one comedy club in the whole country.

And the best comedian, he is really shit.

He is dressed as a cat when he's on the stage. So...

That guy is me. LAUGHTER

I've been doing the open mic circuit quite a lot in London,

so compared to that, this is insane, you know?

And there I often perform in front of three people.

And suddenly two of them leave.

I'm talking to one guy...

in a microphone.

And that's almost worse for him than it is for me.

Like, I'm standing there...

It would've been really weird if he was really cracking up, you know?

"Ha-ha, aww, it's too much!

"No, shut up, please, I can't take it!

"I think I'm going to faint," you know?

People often do this. They often exaggerate how funny things is.

And my friend is always saying, "Man, it was so funny that I shat myself."

But I think if that actually happened,

you wouldn't tell it to anybody.

Just be like, "Ha-ha-ha! I have to go home.

"See you guys later."

And it's not something you brag about.

"I've just shat my pants!"

Oh, really? Respect.

I've been doing a lot of strange jobs here in London

because I have an accent.

Did you ever have a job that is so shit

that if you put it on your CV, it makes it look more shit?

In my first job in the UK, I carried urine samples.

AUDIENCE GROAN

Yeah, I didn't even know that was a job.

But they called me from this work centre and said, "Hello, Mr Simonsen.

"We found a job that we think you're perfectly qualified for."

And that was to carry piss.

What I've been doing lately is I hand out flyers for a dentist.

And when I do that, I'm dressed as a tooth.

And even when you're dressed as a tooth,

people pretend that they don't see you.

It's really ridiculous. I'm this big tooth, you know?

"Oh, I can't see that. I can't see that big tooth outside of the Tube."

And my friend is dressed as a toothbrush.

He's, like, rubbing up against me.

Everybody pretends they can't see it.

"Oh, I can't see that tooth...

"who is getting raped."

I'm always watching movies. Did you ever see Rocky?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes.

I never understand why he doesn't protect his face when he's boxing.

It's a really strange way of fighting.

HE MIMICS PUNCHING NOISES "Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

"Oh! Oh! Oh!"

I would have thought the first time somebody punched you in the face...

"Maybe I should protect my face," you know?

Even in the break, his coach doesn't mention it.

"I think you have to attack. Go a little bit faster."

He never says, "Maybe you should protect your face."

"It's really bleeding.

"I think he's going to knock you out." So he goes back...

MIMICS PUNCHING NOISES Oh! Oh! Oh!

And he never gets knocked out, you know?

He's standing there for 12 rounds...

MIMICS PUNCHING NOISES Oh! Oh! Oh!

Until he can't see anything, you know?

"Adrian?

"I can't see." LAUGHTER

"Forgot to protect my face." LAUGHTER

I'm quite a nervous guy. I've always been quite shy.

Don't know if you've ever been sitting with a group of people

and you don't say anything.

And then somebody notice that you're not talking.

He's like, "Why are you not talking?"

Like that would make it easier for you to talk. LAUGHTER

"Oh. I forgot."

LAUGHTER

"But thank you for pointing that out.

"And now I can just really let go."

LAUGHTER

One of the hardest things about being shy

is that you don't have anywhere to live

because all the flat-shares are looking for outgoing people.

LAUGHTER I saw some ad on the internet.

"We're seeking a really outgoing, confident person.

"Because everybody in this house is very outgoing.

"I've never met people who are so outgoing in my life.

"Every day we cook together

"and we sing songs when we're cooking.

"So we need you to come to a viewing and show us how outgoing you are.

"If you don't have that quality, you have to pay council tax."

LAUGHTER

So you have to go to a viewing and pretend that you're outgoing.

It's like, "Hey, how're you doing? Yeah.

"Come on, let's dance."

LAUGHTER

It's, like eight o'clock in the morning.

"Yeah. Take off your T-shirt. Yeah.

"Come on, let's party," you know?

I've never seen an ad where they actually look for shy people.

"I'm seeking a really insecure, shy person." LAUGHTER

"Who spends all day in his room.

"Because in this house, we like to avoid each other." LAUGHTER

"We don't even know each other's names.

"There's some guy living here with really long dreads.

"I don't know who he is." LAUGHTER

"Who is that guy? I hope he lives here.

"But I'm too shy to ask him."

LAUGHTER

"So if that sounds like you, give us a call.

"Or even better, write an e-mail." LAUGHTER

"I don't like to speak on the phone."

LAUGHTER

Really difficult to be a human being, you know?

LAUGHTER

I always have this negative voice in the head.

You ever done something really awkward

and then you think about it for eight years?

LAUGHTER

It's like, every day, is, "Oh. Oh, God. Oh. Oh, Jesus.

"I can't believe you did that. Oh.

"Urgh."

LAUGHTER

And this negative voice

is like the first thing you hear in the morning, so,

"Oh, good morning, loser.

"How are you going to humiliate us today?

"I can't wait to see what you've got up your sleeve."

It's almost like it's just lying there waiting for you to wake up.

It's like, "Psst. Hey, dude.

"Psst. Dude. Are you awake?"

"Huh? Yeah. Why?"

"I wish we were somebody else."

LAUGHTER

I think, like, 90% of the people in the world, they have this.

I'm sure there's some guy in Spain who's like,

"Oh. Oh, no me gustas," you know? LAUGHTER

And then you have 10% who are really into themselves. You know?

So, "Yeah. I'm such an amazing guy.

"People really like me.

"I have a very appealing personality."

And those people are on cocaine.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

One of the things that I often find difficult

is to walk past people I know in the street.

Sometimes, I get so nervous that I say hello too early.

LAUGHTER

At 300 metres before we pass. LAUGHTER

And where are you supposed to look until you get close enough to say hello?

You can't just walk towards that person.

Like, just stare at them. LAUGHTER

So most people they start nodding to you several times.

LAUGHTER

And then I always pretend I haven't seen them.

Which is really stupid, because I already said hello.

LAUGHTER

Now, when I get close enough to say hello,

I want to pretend that I just see them, then.

But I get so stressed so it sounds so planned.

It's, "Oh, my God. It's you." LAUGHTER

"That was the last thing I expected."

"I didn't see you over there when I said hello."

LAUGHTER

And then you just think about that for three years. LAUGHTER

And you wake up in the morning, it's "Oh, that was embarrassing.

"Oh, you're such a loser. Ah.

"Oh, I have to throw up. Bleurgh." LAUGHTER

Do you ever say bye too early?

LAUGHTER

You're on a bus.

There's some guy next to you. "See you later, man."

But the door isn't open yet.

LAUGHTER

So you have to stand there and wait for it to open.

LAUGHTER

I thought it was open.

LAUGHTER

It finally opens, you realise it's not your stop.

LAUGHTER

In the end, he leaves the bus before you.

"Eurgh." LAUGHTER

This is a little bit fucked up.

When you have a lot of anxiety, you have to shit all the time.

LAUGHTER

And that's the last place you want the problem, is with your ass.

You want to be allergic to cats.

Because if you pet the cat and you have to sneeze,

it's really sweet, right?

But If you have to shit every time you pet the cat.

LAUGHTER It's not so cool.

So you've just got to keep it in.

That's when your stomach starts to make these strange noises.

HE MIMICS STOMACH GROANING

It really sucks when they never end.

They just go on and on.

HE MIMICS STOMACH GROANING

That's why people with IBS suck at hide and seek.

LAUGHTER

Yeah?

APPLAUSE

I couldn't make a living

from that tooth job I was talking about, you know?

For a while there in England, I had to apply for housing benefits.

And I didn't want the girls that I lived with to find that out,

so they tell me at the benefits office,

"Don't worry, Mr Simonsen.

"We're not going to tell your flat-mates."

But then one day we get a council tax bill in the mail.

And it says the council tax in the house is going down

and the reason why is because somebody in the house... LAUGHTER

..is on benefits. LAUGHTER

"No, we won't tell your flat-mates.

"But we might leave little clues in the mail." LAUGHTER

Thank you, guys. You've been excellent. Take care.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful Daniel Simonsen!

CHEERING

Thanks very much for watching Good News. Goodnight, my friends, goodnight.