Episode 8 Russell Howard's Good News Extra

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Whoa.

Hello. I'm just a man. Hello. Hello and welcome to Good News.

So, what's been happening?

David Dimbleby revealed what Boris did during the US election.

He just endlessly ate peanut butter and honey.

LAUGHTER

That's nothing. Did you see what Boris calls his penis?

The triangular doodah.

LAUGHTER

The doodah!

Did anyone else see what Andrew Marr puts in his pies?

Vegetables and prostitutes.

LAUGHTER

And finally,

did anyone else see that man slapping a dwarf's head on the news?

-SLAP

-..and they had the power to do so if they could follow the advice of...

-SLAP

-..CCW and said...

-SLAP

-.."No, this cannot...

-SLAP

-.."discount..."

-SLAP, SLAP

-..that's what they should have done.

LAUGHTER

"Stop, stop hitting me, you bastard."

LAUGHTER

The big story of the week continues to be the US election.

Barack Obama has won a second term of President of the United States

defeating his Republican rival Mitt Romney.

We kicked his butt.

Yes, you did. But, for a while, it was pretty close.

President Obama and Governor Romney neck and neck.

This is a tight race.

Everybody can see how close this is.

It is neck and neck.

Or, as they put it in England...

It's tighter than a gnat's arse.

LAUGHTER

But Romney was convinced he was going to win.

I have just finished writing

a victory speech.

It's about 1,118 words.

All you needed was two - "Ah, shit."

LAUGHTER

Did you see the reason why he thought he was going to win?

He's got magic pants.

This girl loved them.

LAUGHTER

Did you watch the election night coverage?

Sky News interviewed Will.I.Am.

Will.I.Am is here. A well-known face on British TV.

Will.I.Am there, clearly Will.I.Am.

You'd never confuse him for someone else, right?

Just kind of giving you a little bit of what you see here.

That's Wyclef Jean.

LAUGHTER

Did you watch Obama's victory speech?

I just spoke with Governor Romney and I congratulated him

and Paul Ryan on a hard-fought campaign.

Bollocks. I bet the phone call went like this,

"Hey, Romney, aaaaaaaaaaarrrrgh!

"Where's your magic pants now, dickhead?"

My favourite moment of Obama's speech

was this incredible rally cry.

It doesn't matter whether you're black or white or Hispanic

or Asian or Native American or young or old or rich or poor,

able, disabled, gay or straight -

you can make it here in America if you're willing to try.

Amazing.

I bet everyone in the crowd was captivated. Right?

You can make it here in America if you are willing to try.

LAUGHTER

How can you react like that?

He does a speech that connects an entire country

and she looks about as happy as a haemophiliac on her period.

LAUGHTER

This is the worst day of my life.

Oh! Wyclef Jean!

LAUGHTER

Mind you, not everyone was as bored as her.

This guy wins my award for celebration of the night.

Here's the mayor of Minneapolis crowd surfing with his mother.

LAUGHTER

Great, isn't it?

APPLAUSE

Do you know what I love about that?

The fact his mum's in front of him which means she started it.

Come on, pussy, let's bounce.

Did you see any of Romney's speech?

Is it me or is he obsessed with the word tomorrow?

Tomorrow we begin a new tomorrow.

Tomorrow we begin a better tomorrow.

We can begin a better tomorrow tomorrow.

LAUGHTER

When do we start?

-Tomorrow.

-Just checking.

How weird does this sound?

One of the things I wished I could do would be

to wake up with a pile of kids on my floor in the morning.

Whoa!

LAUGHTER

Shall we just assume I've done a Jimmy Savile gag and move on?

LAUGHTER

So, why did Romney lose?

Well, ultimately, it came down to his gaffes. First he said this.

I'm not concerned about the very poor.

Then he said this.

He also described how he would carry out

a terrorist attack on his own country.

But my favourite cock-up was this.

Why was it my favourite?

Because of the bare-faced audacity of his excuse.

My dog likes fresh air.

LAUGHTER

He loves it.

You can tell that by the way he screams.

"Kill me. Kill me."

He also loves water. You should see him in the dishwasher.

"Oh! Who's a happy dog?"

LAUGHTER

It wasn't just Obama and Romney,

there were loads of other candidates trying to win the election.

For example, do you know Roseanne Barr came fifth?

But of all the other candidates,

this guy was definitely my favourite.

I always wanted to run for President of the United States.

Me, I wouldn't run on a Republican platform

nor the Democratic platform or the independent platform.

Me, I'd run on a go-fuck-yourself fucking platform.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

There were some depressing kids' stories in the news.

Have a look at this from Australia.

Children as young as two of being prescribed with antidepressants.

What? They're two! They don't need antidepressants.

What? Are they walking around,

"Mother, my potty training is a disaster?"

LAUGHTER

"Mother, Iggle Piggle leaves me

"as cold as my blanket on a winter's morn."

LAUGHTER

"Oh, crayons! Hee-hee-hee!"

Kids don't need drugs.

All they need to cheer them up - a little bit of guitar.

You guys ready?

GUITAR PLAYS

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww.

LAUGHTER

I love it.

It's the bit where they look at each other and just go, "Let's rock."

LAUGHTER

In fact, that's still how me and my brother chill out.

GUITAR PLAYS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's not the only kids' story in the news.

There was a survey out this week about parenting.

Did you see what they found out?

71% lie to their child to make their day easier.

71% of parents regularly lie to their kids. Damn right.

Think of all the fibs you were told when you're a little.

Spinach makes you strong.

Crusts make your hair curly.

I'm your real dad.

LAUGHTER

The trouble is, these lies can really backfire. This is great.

My mum told my brother that if he played with his willy he'd go blind.

So he kept touching it because he really wanted a dog.

LAUGHTER

If I touch it enough I'll get a dog, yeah?

Like them lucky blokes with shades.

LAUGHTER

My favourite, though, was from my cousin.

My auntie told him,

"If you keep making that face it'll stay that way."

And he looked at her and went, "Is that what happened to you, Mum?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Mind you, if you think lies are bad, have a look at this.

According to the survey, more than 40% admit they dislike their child.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww!

How harsh is that? I hate him. I hate him.

Some hate them more than others.

Go.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey. It is a good save, though.

LAUGHTER

So, you're probably thinking, "Lies, antidepressants,

"it can't get worse for kids." Well, have a look at this.

Devotees at a Muslim shrine in western India's Majarati district

perform a bizarre ritual - throwing babies.

They are throwing babies off a roof.

Aaaargh!

LAUGHTER

So, why the hell are they doing this?

They believe it is good for the newborn baby's health.

What? Breast milk is good for babies' health not base jumping.

LAUGHTER

When have you ever looked at a kid and gone, "What he needs is a cape?"

LAUGHTER

I mean, have you seen what babies think of it?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The other major story in the news was all about the BBC.

The BBC is in crisis.

-Turmoil.

-Scandal.

-Controversy.

A massive, monumental mess.

Yikes.

What a week they have had - resignations, scandals.

But the story that caught my eye was this.

LAUGHTER

How insane is that?

Wow, a new species. Proof that we are not alone in the galaxy.

Oh, my God. He's playing conkers without a protective visor.

LAUGHTER

I don't care.

The other day I ran in high heels.

LAUGHTER

I like to feel like a woman...

LAUGHTER

..at the weekend.

LAUGHTER

Mind you, if you think that's mad,

check out what they're most worried about.

LAUGHTER

They were worried that aliens were going to swear.

What does the BBC think's going to happen? This?

Hello, I'm Brian Cox.

Maaaagh!

Also, I'm no expert but I'm guessing

even if they did swear, it probably won't be in English.

What are the chances you're going to find a new creature

in a galaxy billions of miles away and he's going to go,

"Eh-up, bastards! How do you fucking diddly-do?"

LAUGHTER

Some woman on Points Of View -

"I was watching Stargazing Live the other day

"when, much to my horror..."

LAUGHTER

"..I saw an alien look at me and say the word rim-job!"

LAUGHTER

"Oh, if only Diana was here."

Let's be honest.

If an alien ever meets Brian Cox,

it'll probably do more than swear at him.

If you look at the world, then it's incredibly complex and beautiful.

LAUGHTER

Mind you, it's not just UFOs the BBC are worried about. Did you see this?

They're worried Pudsey's a paedo.

LAUGHTER

Christ, what do they think he wears under his costume? This?

LAUGHTER

It's not Pudsey the bear you want to worry about, it's koala bears.

They are filth.

LAUGHTER

Let's be honest, the kids are going to be fine.

Pudsey's only got one eye.

They could just hide in his blind spot like that.

LAUGHTER

And let's be honest, some of them can really handle themselves.

I mean, check out this little fella's brutal moves.

LAUGHTER

Waaagh!

Aaaargh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Next up, this has to be the worst case of mistaken identity ever.

A Brazilian family had the shock of their lives when the relative

they thought they were burying turned up to his own funeral.

He turned up to his own funeral.

The vicar must have shat himself.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

Holy shit!

Zombie!

But what's amazing - look how relaxed he is about it.

TRANSLATION: When I walked through the door

and I saw the coffin

I was a bit flabbergasted.

I asked, "What is this?"

And they said it was a service for me and I said to them, "I'm alive."

LAUGHTER

You shouldn't have done that.

Surely you should just have crept in...

..and just gone, "Surprise!"

Or gone up to one bloke at the back and just went,

"I know you did it."

LAUGHTER

"See you in hell, asshole."

LAUGHTER

Or if you really want to freak people out, just do this.

Achoo! Aaaargh!

LAUGHTER

It's not only weird story about death. Have you seen this?

You can have an iPad put in your headstone.

You'd totally film yourself just going,

"Let me out! Let me..."

Your mate behind you dressed as Pudsey, "Raaaargh."

What are they going to write on the grave?

"Here lies Tony, the brother we mourn.

"Sit beside him and download some porn."

LAUGHTER

It's a ridiculous idea. You don't need newfangled technology.

I know exactly what I'm putting on my brother's grave.

LAUGHTER

Hey, it's what he would have wanted. Now, from the iPad to the iPhone.

Have you seen the latest app?

When you flush, where does it rush?

Well, want to know more? A new app in southern Poland has the answer.

That's right, they've made an app that tracks your turds.

LAUGHTER

Have you seen what it's called?

The program's title translates as "Where's My Poo?"

LAUGHTER

Where's My Poo?

Surely they should have called it a Shat-Nav.

LAUGHTER

Come on.

APPLAUSE

It's so pointless. You get messages from your poo.

Basically, it's Twitter from the shitter.

LAUGHTER

Why does it exist? Why do you want to trace it?

I've never had a dump and gone, "I hope he's all right."

LAUGHTER

"Poor little sod. Out there on his own."

Just my poo, "It's OK, Russell, I'll be fine. I'm a floater."

LAUGHTER

And also, how depressing would it be

if your poo is having a better life than you?

You're stuck in an office and he sends you photos like this.

LAUGHTER

I wouldn't have made this into an app. I'd have turned it into a game.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

There's going to be a mystery guest who has been in the news

and I have to figure out who that person is.

So, please welcome our mystery guest.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello. How are you doing?

-I'm good. Thank you.

-Excellent.

-I'm Russ. How are you?

-Sammy. Nice to meet you.

-Sammy, nice to meet you.

-So, it has something to do with cooking.

-Yeah.

-Yes. OK.

-As such. Things that might happen when you're cooking.

Things that might happen when you're cooking.

You get a little bit horny in the kitchen.

LAUGHTER

Is that what the pole is here for?

When you're cooking eggs just right and you think...

LAUGHTER

Has it got something to do with pole dancing?

I might be able to do a few moves

but it's not exactly pole dancing, no.

OK. So...

So, what's it to do with, then?

So, it's cooking and pole dancing. Is there a combination between them?

-It's not a combination.

-Right.

-I use the pole but I don't dance on it.

-That's a clue.

-OK.

LAUGHTER

What, what, what do you do to the pole?

LAUGHTER

What do you do to the pole? Is he all right?

Do you want to show me where the bad lady touched you?

LAUGHTER

What have you done to this pole?

-I can slide down it.

-You can? Oh, OK.

Are we talking in a fireman way or a slutty way?

LAUGHTER

-Or both?

-The fireman way.

Fireman. Right. So, why were you in the news exactly?

Cos I was the youngest female to become a firefighter.

Oh, lovely stuff.

That's pretty cool, isn't it?

APPLAUSE

So, have you ever had any of those annoying ones where you kind of

ring up and there is a cat in a tree and you think, "Ah, just..."

LAUGHTER

We have funny ones where a guy actually was on Valentine's Day

and I think he was trying to impress his partner

-and decided to put on a cock ring.

-Oh, really.

And it got stuck and swollen and we had to go and cut the cock ring off.

You were very kind, though, I must admit.

You really helped me out of quite a tricky situation.

LAUGHTER

I'd leave it. I think I'd die rather than...

Rather than ringing in and admitting you've got a cock ring stuck?

That phone called must have been... Cos, presumably, he went, "Hello?

"Can you come quickly? Can you come and help me?"

And you'll be there going, "No, but I can put you on speakerphone."

LAUGHTER

What did you have to do? Did you kind of...?

You've got a ring cutter which you can use to cut...

That must have been such fun.

One!

Two!

LAUGHTER

So what are we going to do?

I'm going to give you a crash course on being a firefighter.

Awesome. Let's do this.

SIREN WAILS

So, what are we going to do?

Right, you've got a house here

-and we've got a person's reported house fire.

-Right.

And this means that someone's stuck in the house,

they can't get out and you need to go and save them.

-Fucking right, I do.

-Yeah, you do.

LAUGHTER

Now, what you've got to do,

-you've got to hit the door down using the axe supplied on the floor.

-Yeah.

Then what it is, it's locked from the inside, so you can't get in normally.

Why has he not...? He's not going to open it himself. Lazy bastard.

-Go on.

-Then you're going to use the extinguisher.

-Yes.

You've got a raging fire on the other side. Just be careful.

LAUGHTER

-So, put the fire out.

-Cool.

Save anything you think that needs to be saved from in the house.

What are you waiting for? Go! Come on! It's a house fire.

MUSIC: "Holding Out For A Hero" by Bonnie Tyler

I'm in. Oh, Jesus Christ. There is a river of shit going on.

What are you doing here?

How does this work? Hang on.

How does it work? I can't get it to work. What is it? Pull it out?

You didn't show me. Oh, Jesus.

You're going to be all right.

Hey, there's still one there.

LAUGHTER

Right, save the lady.

-Save her. Come here, darling.

-Give her the fireman's lift.

-Got you.

APPLAUSE

# I need a hero

# I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night. #

Photos, photos.

LAUGHTER

Come on, there's something else dying. Something else dying.

LAUGHTER

The cat! The cat!

APPLAUSE

There is still a cat.

LAUGHTER

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I've got this, I've got this.

Save the cat, please.

I don't want to save the cat.

Well, how do you think that went?

Not great.

LAUGHTER

-It's heavy, isn't it?

-Yes. If I was you, I'd stick to comedy.

Stick to comedy. That's probably a good thing.

Ladies and gentlemen, that was wonderful.

It's really heavy, all this.

Please, give it up for my wonderful mystery guest.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Check out the incredible way police up north

are cracking down on drunken violence.

To try to stop street scenes like this, the Humberside force

has bought 10,000 lollipops which are being handed out to drinkers.

One minute they are wanting to have a fight,

but the next minute you're offering them a lolly.

They're going to stop fights with lollipops.

I'm going to stab you. Oh, strawberry.

LAUGHTER

Now, what I love about this -

listen to the incredibly scientific reasons why they're doing it.

If people have a lollipop in their mouth,

they are less likely to shout or yell

and if you're sucking on a lollipop, it's hard to look threatening.

LAUGHTER

If you suck on a lolly, you don't look threatening.

Yeah, but you do look mental.

Hello. The man gave me a lolly which tastes like happy.

LAUGHTER

It's a ridiculous idea.

If the police hand out lollies to drunk, violent men,

I think we all know how this is going to end up.

Aaaargh! Aaaargh!

She's out! Whoo!

LAUGHTER

Now, talking of violence, check out this belter of a story from Russia.

Yeah!

LAUGHTER

So, you're probably thinking after she kicked the shit out of him,

she took him to the police. Oh, no. Baby had other ideas.

LAUGHTER

Three days.

Very nice.

This is my favourite bit. Look why she did it.

How is that teaching him a lesson?

Steal from me?

I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life.

Not that it is the weirdest attack in the news. Check this out.

A Sarasota woman is recovering from a wild animal attack.

I don't want somebody else to go through what I did.

It was very traumatic. I couldn't walk for two days.

It was just too painful.

So, was it a bear?

Was it a wolf?

No.

Listen to her 999 call.

LAUGHTER

Waaaagh!

To be honest, it's not ducks you have to watch out for, it's sheep.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Finally tonight, a truly beautiful story about an animal in need.

MUSIC: "This Woman's Work" by Kate Bush

# I know you have a little life in you yet

# I know you have a lot of strength left

# I know you have a little life in you yet

# I know you have a lot of strength left

# I should be crying but I just can't let it show

# I should be hoping but I can't stop thinking

# Of all the things we should have said that we never said

# All the things we should have done but we never did

# All the things that you needed from me

# All the thing that you wanted from me

# All the things I should have given but I didn't

# Just make it go away now. #

APPLAUSE

Now time for my stand-up guest.

This man is a good friend of mine, he is absolutely brilliant.

I've gigged with him all over the word,

it's a genuine pleasure to welcome on stage, the wonderful Adam Bloom!

APPLAUSE

Yay!

Hello. Hello!

-AUDIENCE:

-Hello!

I'm Adam. I'm enjoying the show. First of all, I didn't know how much swearing there was.

My parents let me swear when I was a kid, so I couldn't rebel against it.

Isn't that clever?

There was only one word they would not let me say, it's a horrible word - spastic.

If I said that word, she would freak, she would even hit me.

Or she'd try to.

Arrgh!

I've got four more jokes, and that's it.

Is it fair to say it would be quite funny if somebody committed suicide

by suffocating themselves with a Marks & Spencer's Bag for Life?

Is it fair to say there'd be less litter in the country

if blind people were given pointed sticks?

Is that too far? Any blind people in, I apologise.

Cheers.

Is it fair to say if it wasn't for Comic Relief, Lenny Henry would be starving?

And finally, is it fair to say if you're watching Channel 5 News

and something big happens in the world,

you have got to check on BBC One to see if it is true?

Thank you very much.

You know...I actually learn my news from watching this show.

I don't really watch the news. It upsets me.

All I know about the world is this - east and west don't get on.

I think the only way east and west can get on is if the leaders sit down

and put the best bits of their culture forward,

taking the worst bits out and moving on as a team.

It would be a very tense meeting.

What is the best thing about Islam? Not drinking.

What is the best thing about the west? Drinking.

Let's toss a coin. We don't gamble. that's that one fucked.

What is the worst thing about Islam? Women have to cover themselves up.

What is the worst thing about the Western world?

Half of our women do not cover themselves up enough.

I propose that all women are covered up from birth,

so they don't see themselves once until they're 16,

so the best-looking women are forced to develop their personalities

to their potential,

cos they can't go through life going,

"Ha-ha! I haven't bought one drink all night.

Imagine being 16 years old in front of the mirror on your birthday,

unwrapping yourself like the biggest present ever, going,

"Please be fit. Please be fit. Please be fit. Please be fit.

"Please be fit. Please be fit."

Gutted.

I'll tell you my news. I've got two children -

a two-and-a-half-year-old daughter,

and my wife gave birth to our second little girl

who was born exactly three months ago today.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw-w!

-Thank you very much indeed. Thank you, I appreciate that.

I'm the happiest man in the world. I spent the whole day with my daughter yesterday.

My wife and daughter left me with a little baby.

I was so nervous in case she's sick or I fall over on her,

so I carried her round the house in one arm all day long.

Whatever I did I made sure my daughter was with me, which meant everything I did

had to involve me only using one arm, which was a constant reminder

of how I could have avoided the situation in the first place.

Isn't it a miracle? We're all made by people. Two people can make a person.

How cool is that? Get this.

One of them makes milk to feed the person.

PEOPLE SHOUT Yes!

Your milk.

My daughter only has to suck on my wife's nipple, and she gets dinner,

which is ironic, because when we first met,

I used to buy her dinner on the off chance...

LAUGHTER

I read a woman's magazine that said, because women put on weight

during pregnancy, it is important to take your wedding ring off.

So I did.

I've got to say one thing, about two days ago,

I made my newborn baby laugh out loud for the first time ever.

And it felt amazing, because it was new material.

We've got two children. If we're going to have a third, we've agreed we're going to adopt.

-That's a good thing to do, isn't it? AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

If I adopted a child, it would have to be from Africa, India or China.

I could never adopt a white child.

Because if he grows up to be thick, I don't want anyone thinking he's mine.

Fuck off, that was funny and you know it.

Listen to this. I went to a farm the other day with a vegetarian friend of mine.

You know when you go round looking at the animals,

there's often one animal you don't quite recognise.

I wish I had tipped the farmer 20 quid,

so when my vegetarian friend goes, "What's that one called?"

I could go, "That's a tofu."

If there are any vegetarians here tonight who eat quorn

but believe it's wrong to eat meat, can I point out to you people

that for that quorn to taste like meat, someone who'd eaten meat

had to taste the quorn to verify that it tasted like real meat!

An animal died in the making of your dinner tonight, you self-righteous pricks.

I'm sure that's a good point.

I think I met the thickest bloke I have ever met.

You know, when you meet somebody who is so thick, you're not quite sure

if you're allowed to take the piss.

You go, "You're a... Oh, he is. Sorry."

He had a front tooth missing.

Do we agree that the thickest person you've ever met has got a front tooth missing?

When you stare at someone's gap in their teeth, you can concentrate.

It's like somebody with a hairy mole when you're asking directions.

You can't listen to what they're saying because all you're seeing is that hairy mole -

you're staring at it, like this. I don't like comedy stereotypes,

but that's not a stereotype. You don't hear about front-tooth-missing jokes.

My dad's Jewish, I'm sick of Jewish stereotypes.

Stereotypes are based on gross generalisations.

I've seen Jewish people being generous.

LAUGHTER

From that reaction, I am guessing you haven't.

I've seen black people who can't dance.

And I've seen loads of women who are very good at parking.

Admittedly, this was all in the same circus.

I went to my Arabic barber and had a wet shave today for the show.

I try to look my best for you and it's...

I love having a wet shave but it is quite tense,

you've got an Arab...

..a Jew...

..and a blade...

..and the news on in the background.

It's also quite tense in my barber's because my barber doesn't know my name.

You know those friendships you have, like with your milkman,

where you swap names on the first day and you never get their name again.

After ten years, you can't ask someone their name. I know my barber's name.

It's on his shop front. It's the best barbershop name ever. My barber is called Ali...

Ali the Barber.

I'm going to play a practical joke on Ali.

I've decided the biggest high in life you can get is a cringe,

above falling in love, above seeing your baby being born,

when you intentionally embarrass yourself in public.

That rush goes through your body.

You go, "Oh! Can't believe I just got my cock out in Sainsbury's...

"..cos that made it more than six items."

You know that rush? That's a great feeling.

You can't enjoy that feeling because society has told you it's not a nice feeling.

Next time you cringe, just get into it, it's amazing.

I'm going to give Ali the biggest cringe buzz ever.

You have to use your imaginations. If you haven't got one, pretend.

LAUGHTER

Next time Ali shaves me, I'm going to turn round and say,

"I've known you for ten years, and I consider you to be my friend, Ali."

And he'll say, "I consider you to be my friend...my friend."

I'll say, "Do you know what I do for a living?" He'll say no.

I'll say, "I work with profoundly deaf people, mute people.

"It's my birthday next week, and I want you to come to my party.

"It'll be me, you and my seven other best friends in the world who are all mute."

Let's be honest here. What could be more awkward than going to a birthday party on your own

where you don't know the host's name or any of his mates

and they're all mute?

I'll tell you, when they bring on my birthday cake,

and you've got to sing Happy Birthday...

..to a bloke whose name you don't know, with seven mute people.

I'm glad you are laughing, because that is the end of that bit.

What you're seeing tonight is a freak show. This is a cerebral freak show -

dysfunctional people entertaining normal people.

Are your parents still together? Yeah? Mine aren't. It's your fault.

My parents got divorced when I was four years old. This is true.

My mum woke me and my sister up in the night, and said,

"We're running away, your father's asleep, he knows nothing.

"Take your favourite thing and we're going."

I was clever, I took my dad.

I've got some advice for all the single men in the room,

or maybe the men at the beginning of a new relationship,

and have not had sex yet with your new partner -

this is my advice.

When you have sex for the first time with your new partner,

whatever you do, do not... put...your...whole...cock...in.

Good night.

I'm suggesting that you hold back a full inch for the first six months.

You, young lady, have no idea how much willpower it takes a man to know

there's a full inch you can't use for six months.

Little tip, get some luminous paint and draw a line across it,

even two lines close together so that when the first line disappears, you know to stop.

After three months, when she says it's over,

you can say, "Give me one more chance, "Give me one more night, baby."

Take her to her favourite restaurant, a limousine outside, champagne in the fridge, CD on the player.

Have the meal, the limo, the champagne, the CD and then fuck her

for the last time, but you put your whole cock in

and I can guarantee you you'll save that relationship,

just showing how shallow you women really are.

There is only one slight problem with that theory, and that is that my idea

of holding back an inch would mean not putting my cock in at all.

Some people say that pornography objectifies women.

Surely, it humanises objects.

We live in a society that's crumbling.

Politeness is disappearing. You're the generation that have the chance to change this.

I was in a massive supermarket at the back of the queue,

and the bloke at the front was paying for loads of things.

He'd forgotten one item and this is how he dealt with it.

He put his bags down, sighed, as if he was the only person in the world

being put out and he walked to the back of the shop at this speed to get it. This was my natural reaction.

I got that shake when you realise you're being wronged, there's nothing worse than being wronged,

apart from someone you love being wronged.

I've been with my wife for nine years, I've reached the stage now,

I can't even listen to her problems any more, her stories.

She'll come home from work, saying, "That new girl was so rude to me."

I'm going, "Just tell me the end now, I can't cope."

You've got to sit through a ten-minute sad bit,

then it turns out it wasn't that sad. You've suffered for nothing.

She'll go, "Last night I got raped. It was all a dream!"

Put the word "dream" at the beginning of your sen...

Don't even describe your dream, because dreams are boring.

I've got a friend who goes, "I had a dream, I was a flying giraffe,

"I could fly upside down and breathe underwater at the same time.

"I had my grandmother's face, blue hair and my thoughts were in Morse code,

"and the fish could read my mind and I did not realise.

"I offended one fish which was really ugly,

"and it turned out to be a woman fish. Yeah."

And you switch off, don't you?

That is why there is so much racism in the world today

cos 50-odd years ago, Martin Luther King said, "I have a dream,"

and 200,000 people went, "Oh, fuck off, mate."

So...

..back to my story.

I am trembling like this, he goes and gets his thing

and this is where I think anger starts.

It is about expectation. I decided how sorry he had to be.

I wrote in my mind the minimum apology I was prepared to accept from that man.

When you've got your minimum apology,

you start to write the hypothetical rant that you'd like to say,

if they don't make your minimum apology

which is very dangerous, because by the third edit, you've got it all memorised.

They come back, you're pissed off with an autocue in front of you. It's no wonder...

I can't type fast, but when I'm complaining, my fingers can go like this.

It's like I'm so pissed off I want to ruin their life as early as possible.

A friend goes, "You're not going to send that, are you?"

"No, I won't send it. I'll edit it," but you don't.

You have a double espresso and go, "Fuck it!"

Isn't it sad when you think how short life is

that all over the world, there are millions of people going like this,

because one person didn't have the decency to just apologise.

I genuinely believe that "sorry"

is the single most powerful word in our language,

next to maybe "blowjob" and "abracadabra".

It goes "blowjob", "abracadabra", and then "sorry",

which I've often been known to say back to back.

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

My message is, whether you believe in God or not, it doesn't matter,

be a good person. That's obvious, isn't it? I do believe in God,

and I'd like to meet God to tell him why I have sometimes doubted him.

It's not tsunamis, it's not illnesses, the reason I doubt God's existence

is because all seven billion people on this planet, without exception...

poo.

Why did God make a poo? He made a rainbow, then a butterfly, then an apple, then a butterfly,

then a big fat poo. Does that make sense to you?

We have to procreate. For us to procreate, we have to find each other attractive. I'm a heterosexual man.

When I look at a heterosexual woman or a lesbian if she's made an effort...

I'm only joking, sisters.

All women are beautiful. You get to know them, their eyes, nose,

hair, breasts, nipples, belly buttons, those two dimples

on the back - what are those dimples for?

If you touch them at the same time you get an electric shock.

Bums, thighs, calves, feet, not many feet. Do you know what feet are?

Feet are where God got bored drawing us. God went,

"Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm...boing... hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm...

"Oh, sod it!"

But apart from feet, why would God spent months

making the most incredible thing in the universe,

the woman, the creator of life,

and thinks, "It's not ready, something's missing, can't put my finger on it,

"I've got it! I'll get a big poo and stick it bang in the middle.

There's 300 people here, half of you are women, you look fantastic, you really do,

but when I think about the fact you have all got a big poo inside you...

I'm appalled you had the nerve to come out tonight.

That is why...

APPLAUSE CONTINUES Thank you.

That's why I'd like to meet God.

And I'd say, "Hello, God, I'm Adam. Not that one.

"Listen, God, I've always wanted to meet you.

"I'm a big fan of your work, particularly the early stuff.

"But I've got one question, God, just to get inside the mind of God, one question -

"What is with the poo? What is with the poo, God?"

God might turn round and say, "You've got it all wrong,

"you rub it in your face, it makes you fly."

Now, half of you are laughing, the rest are going, "I'm going to try that when I get home."

My name's Adam Bloom. Thank you so much. See you again. Bye-bye. Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Bloom!

Thank you

very much for watching Good News. Good night, my friends. Good night.

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