Episode 7 Russell Howard's Good News Extra

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much!

Thank you, thank you! Thank you!

Hello...

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING CONTINUES

..and welcome to Good News! So, what's been happening?

Channel 4 interviewed the politest mugger ever.

If you don't give me your wallet, I'll burgle your house.

LAUGHTER

Over on Daybreak, Richard Arnold showed everyone

how to pleasure a giant.

It works better if you're on a table...

This lady revealed Gary Lineker may be the father of her child.

I was worried when I was pregnant that my baby was going to smell of salt and vinegar crisps.

LAUGHTER

The big news was all about the US election.

Barack Obama secures a second term, having won key battleground states

and overcome a strong challenge from the Republican, Mitt Romney.

We are greater than the sum of our individual ambitions,

and we remain more than a collection

of red states and blues states - we are and for ever will be

the United States of America!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Pretty cool.

But it gets worse for Romney. Not only did he lose -

look what this feisty old lady's going to do to him...

I'm going to track down Mitt Romney and give him

the word's biggest cock punch!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

But where?

Right in the nut sack!

To be honest, anyone could have seen this coming. If you want to know

who's going to win an election, just ask the babies.

Here's what they think of Obama.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

-And here's what they think of Romney.

LAUGHTER

Let's be honest, they're pretty good at spotting a dickhead.

LAUGHTER

For some reason, the US media have been interviewing loads of kids -

some were thoughtful, others, they got straight to the point.

Can you describe President Obama? What is he like?

He seems sort of, like, you know, like faithful,

like the loyal type of person.

He's black.

LAUGHTER

"Has Obama been good for the economy?" "He black!!"

"What do you think of Mitt Romney?"

"He white."

You ask kids about politics, some of the answers they give

will be very strange.

-Would you like to be president one day?

-No.

-Would you like to be president?

-No.

If you were to pretend you were talking to the American people,

what would you say?

Hello?

I come in...peace?

LAUGHTER

Back in Blighty, it's been a tough week for Boris.

After being mobbed in Birmingham, Boris Johnson was today

relentlessly heckled in Bristol.

-HECKLING

-You need someone who will put Britain on the map,

and that is the objective, and...

-Tories out! Tories out! >

-You've got some charming people here in Bristol.

You can see what absolute sweethearts they are.

Absolute sweethearts!

He didn't call them that later...

'..Boris Johnson attempted a strategic exit, he returned fire.'

-< Scum! Tory scum!

-Scum!

-LAUGHTER

-Aaaagh!

Lefty tossers!

Why don't you scummers lick my balls?!

Why are they booing him? How can you hate Boris?!

He's like a human bumblebee that's swallowed a thesaurus.

Uuuugh!

Rapscallion!

I mean, what other politician would praise our Olympic heroes like this?

You produced such paroxysms of tears and joy on the sofas of Britain

that you probably not only inspired a generation

but helped to create one as well.

-LAUGHTER

-And... I can get away with that.

And...!

See, if Cameron did that, it would just be creepy.

"Hello, Britain. Ha-ha-ha-ha...

"Did you enjoy the Olympics?

"I bet you had lots of sex, didn't you?

"I know me and Cleggy did."

-LAUGHTER AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

Uu-aaaagh!

Now, elsewhere this week, Prince Charles has been on his travels.

The Duke and Duchess of Cornwall have spent the night

in Papua New Guinea, after touching down on the island nation

as part of the Queen's Diamond Jubilee tour.

Did you see what the lady who greeted them was wearing?

'The Royal couple, smiling and relaxed,

'as they received the traditional garland of flowers.'

I'm surprised he kept his cool -

he normally loses it in front of jubblies.

LAUGHTER

Mind you, that was nothing. Did you see

Prince Charles speaking Pidgin English?

It's absolutely brilliant.

Mi bringim bikpela tok hamamas bilong Mejesti Kwin

bilong Papua Niugini.

APPLAUSE

-LAUGHTER

-It's the smile at the end, isn't it?

Show it again - he looks so pleased with himself!

LAUGHTER

My name's Charlie, Pidgin's my hobby, when I smile,

I look like Dobby!

I can't stop watching it.

And if you put a beat under it, it's even better.

Bilong mi lon dispela

taim bilong Diamon Jubili bilong Misis Kwin.

Pisin, me bringim Pisin,

Me bringim Pisin

Me talk Pisin all rite!

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

From big beats to a galaxy far, far away.

Three new Star Wars films are to be made after Disney announced

it was buying the company behind the franchise.

Disney will buy Lucasfilm from George Lucas for around £2.5 billion.

Disney is making three new Star Wars. To quote Yoda -

"Shit it will be!"

Apparently the new film is going to be set when Luke's an old man.

That'll be a barrel of laughs, won't it? "What's wrong, Luke?"

-NORTHERN ACCENT:

-"It's the bloody Empire.

"They've taken me bus pass.

"Save the galaxy? You have it. I can't eat chocolate any more.

"I'll be on the toilet all night. Oh, Christ,

"it'll be like shoes falling out of a loft."

I'm not the only one upset - check out this fella.

4 billion...to the highest fucking bidder?!

Oh, and guess who bought it, huh?

You know who? Disney, fucking Disney! Of course you know!

UNINTELLIGIBLE ..to my fucking...!

Wasn't he in South Park?

Cartman gets madder.

Check out the film he reckons Lucas wants to make.

George Lucas is sitting on a porcelain toilet

in a solid white room in front of a solid white wall...

and he starts...grimacing, just, oh!

And he takes the nastiest, big hunk of shit

right in the toilet, then he reaches in and he grabs it...

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

He grabs it by the hand, he starts writing on the wall.

E-PI-S-O-D-E S-E-V-E-N.

And he flicks you off with his shit-covered hands!

To be fair, it still sounds better than The Phantom Menace.

Here's the film I want to see -

two hours of this prick just getting punched.

-Wouldn't that be great?

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Where? I'll let this lady explain.

Right in the nut sack!

Although on the plus side, Disney and Star Wars...?

Might be a good idea?

DONALD DUCK QUACKS AGGRESSIVELY

AUDIENCE: Oh!

In health news, have you heard the latest way to get rid of wrinkles?

Recently trained in Thailand,

Tata claims she's now the first

face-slapping practitioner in the Western hemisphere.

Yeah, slapping the face gets rid of wrinkles.

How did they figure this out? "I hate you so much!" Whack!

"Hey, you look great!"

Apparently celebs are huge fans.

Have you seen what Kelly Brook looked like before the treatment?

LAUGHTER

Mind you, if you think slapping is a bit much,

look what else they do!

In Thailand, for years, they have been slapping faces

and something else that roughly translates as butt-punching.

Butt-punching?!

That won't make you look younger, it'll make you look like this!

LAUGHTER

Now, if that isn't your thing, maybe this is.

Scientists have invented a spray that makes ladies go, "Eeeh-eeh-ey".

Australian researchers are heading trials

of the world's first Viagra-style treatment for women.

The nasal spray, dubbed "Female Viagra",

delivers testosterone in a gel.

A spray that makes women horny. Did you hear that?

That's the sound of my brother going, "YES!"

He'll rock up to his next date with a Super Soaker!

Whhssshhhh!

Mind you, it's not all good news. Have you seen the side effects?

The Australian Medical Association fears the spray

could have side effects.

Acne, a deeper voice, hair growth, that sort of thing.

Poor women, they're horny as fuck, now they look like the Gruffalo!

"Please, shag me." "No, you've got hooves!"

LAUGHTER

It's insane. Look what happened to Charlotte Church when she took it.

Here's Charlotte before.

And here she is after!

LAUGHTER

Not that some ladies need any help. Did you read about this woman?

A woman's rare disorder sees her suffer from constant orgasms

for up to eight hours a day.

Her poor fanny!

"Kill me!"

Her husband must follow her round with a mop!

Feel like he's on a curling team...

LAUGHTER

Mind you, it is not just her, this phenomena is all over the news!

Oh!

Argh!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Ah!

I'm coming. I'm coming. I'm going to bring spare underpants just in case.

LAUGHTER

Next up, a story about some kids who went trick-or-treating

and got more than they bargained for.

A man is due in court tomorrow after children were given bags of cocaine

while out trick-or-treating last night.

He gave children cocaine!

What a dick.

Apparently the parents were livid. The kids, not so fussed.

LAUGHTER

Imagine them getting home, "Hi, kids."

"Yes, we are!"

Luckily, they didn't actually take it.

Thank Christ! Imagine a kid on coke!

"I like jelly and cats and spiders. And when I'm big,

"I'm going to play tennis with an alien,

"and then we're going to eat candy-floss made out of magic dust!

"Mu-u-um!

"I've got the Igglepiggle giggles!"

LAUGHTER

"Look at this, Mum, I'm going to do an impression of a mop!"

LAUGHTER

Not that it's the most shocking kids story of the week.

Check out the latest craze for children's parties in America.

The new twist on pool parties. A Florida man is spicing them up

by throwing alligators in the water with children.

Holy shit!

They're throwing alligators in a kids' pool?!

Argh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Poor kids. "Happy birthday, Timmy!"

Christ, I bet even Barrymore is going, "Bit much." It's madness.

Have you seen the way they protect them?

Barrett says this is all safe.

He tapes the gator's mouth shut before the party.

Fucking Sellotape!

LAUGHTER

Call me mad, but if I'm swimming with a crocodile,

the last thing I want protecting me is stationery!

"Is that a shark?"

"Yeah, but we covered his eyes with Blu-Tack. He's fine!"

What else are the kids playing with - this?

LAUGHTER

Not that it's all bad news for children.

This guy wins my award for Catch of the Year.

Have a look at this, it's amazing.

A young lady with kids were yelling.

I looked up and saw a little girl on the air conditioner.

I ran over there to see what I could do. I caught the little girl.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

Amazing. What a dude. Not only did he save the kid from dying,

he's also got a catchphrase!

How smooth is he?!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"A hero ain't nothing but a sandwich."

You stopped that old lady from getting hit by a bus!

"Damn right, baby, it's what a Scotch egg does."

You're a hero!

"No, I'm a Dairylea Dunker. Seriously, I put my dick in cheese."

LAUGHTER

"But I think after catching a baby, I've earned the right to do that."

"Catch. Boom. All right!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is the part of the show I genuinely don't know anything about.

This is a Mystery Guest who has been in the news.

And I have to figure out who that person is.

So, please welcome my Mystery Guest!

APPLAUSE

Hello. I have to shake with the left, I have a bad hand, I'm afraid.

Nice to meet you, thanks for coming on the show.

-What's your name, friend?

-Dom.

Wow, this is an array of stuff here you've got.

What should I be looking at most here out of the Rubik's Cube and the elephant?

The elephant.

OK. Do you do ferocious shits?

LAUGHTER

Mammoth-size! No!

-Have you ever been put in a cage and fed peanuts?

-Not yet.

Not yet!

Is that what we're going to be doing later?!

-Do you never forget?

-What are mem... Ah!

OK. So you've got a good memory.

-Yes.

-It that what you're...?

-Yes.

-OK. So, why?

-Well, the news article is all about how to improve your memory.

-OK.

And I am the eight-times World Memory Champion.

There you go. That's pretty cool, isn't it?

-APPLAUSE

-Yeah, thanks for coming in.

So, have you always had a good memory, or did you train yourself?

No, I trained my memory.

It wasn't until I was 30 that I saw somebody on television memorise a deck of cards.

And I thought, "That's fantastic. That's the best card trick I've ever seen in the world.

"I could pull a few women with this trick!"

-LAUGHTER

-Has that ever worked?

From memorising cards, you've pulled women?

It's a good party trick, yes.

So, here's a question for you.

Do you use your powers for good or...?

Because these are powers. Do you use them for good or for bad?

I did use them for bad a few years ago.

-Why, what did you do?

-Well, it depends how you regard bad.

I was a card counter. I used to go into casinos,

and if they didn't shuffle the decks properly,

I was able to memorise them and beat the casino at their own game.

-So I made a living out of Black Jack.

-Oh, did you? Nice!

But then I got...

But that is amazing!

APPLAUSE

Because you've got this sort of sexy, owly feel about you.

So the idea that you're making money out of Black Jack,

and ladies, "Can I ride on the back of your motorbike?"

And you're like, "Yeah, if you want, baby. Rrrrr."

So, can you show us some tips? I'd like to learn from you.

Yeah. OK, look. I'm going to give you a list of items to memorise.

Just a quick test, see what your memory's like already.

-OK.

-All right, a squashed football. A dead parrot. A brassiere.

A set of false teeth. A cuddly toy. A pineapple.

A photo of Justin Bieber. A dildo.

LAUGHTER

A blow drier. A banana.

Is this like an alternative "Mum's gone to Iceland" advert?

A funky sort of Iceland, yes.

And after the banana was a hammer, and then finally, a red ball.

What was the sixth item on the list?

Can you remember any items?

Yeah, there was a squashed parrot.

LAUGHTER

Justin Bieber was there.

-There was a banana?

-Yeah, but you didn't get them in sequence.

-Shall I give you the technique? It's very, very simple.

-OK.

There's 12 objects, OK? We'll break them down into pairs.

Six pairs. And I want you to go on a journey around your house.

You'll have to describe this to me.

-Walk around...

-Aaagh, my brother's naked in his room!

Shut that door.

-Don't go in that room, man.

-Start off in your bedroom.

I'm in my bedroom. I'm safe.

-You need six places around your house.

-Six places, OK.

Imagine you have woken up in the morning, ten o'clock in the morning.

I'm late for work!

LAUGHTER

At the end of the bed is a squashed football.

-How the hell did that get there?

-Exactly.

-You need to work out why it's squashed.

-OK.

There's a parrot next to it.

It's a head-butting parrot?

LAUGHTER

-So that's what happens in the bedroom.

-Yeah, it is.

So now leave your bedroom.

I'm getting the fuck out of there, yeah!

He's done that to a football, what's he done to my balls?

-We'll get on to those later.

-OK.

Where are you now, when you left the bedroom?

I'm in the kitchen, man. I'm scared, man.

-You've gone straight to the kitchen?

-Yeah, yeah.

OK. The next object is a brassiere, followed by a set of false teeth.

LAUGHTER

Wayne Rooney's been round.

-LAUGHTER Picture it.

-Got it.

The next thing is the cuddly toy, in another room,

-and a pineapple.

-Let's got to the scullery.

LAUGHTER

The cuddly toy is doing something with a pineapple.

LAUGHTER

In the scullery.

OK, yeah. I'm seeing Bruce Forsyth.

"Cuddly toy?"

It's Bruce dressed as the cuddly toy with the pineapple.

"It's why I have to take time off from Strictly.

-"Get out, this is my scullery." I'm seeing that.

-Next place?

"It's one of my five a day." Get out, Bruce!

-The next place.

-Let's go to the weights room downstairs.

LAUGHTER

You're in there now, there's Justin Bieber...

AUDIENCE SCREAMS

..he's doing something with a dildo.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Has he taken advice from the world to finally go fuck himself?

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

-# Baby, baby... #

-Next place?

Next place. Let's take a trip to the attic.

-The attic?

-Yes.

The next two objects are a blow-drier and a banana.

A sweaty banana, nice.

The last two objects. Last place?

-Let's go to the garden.

-The garden.

-Yeah.

It's a hammer and a red ball.

-What's the connection?

-I'm thinking Thor and he's run out of energy.

LAUGHTER

OK, so we've gone through the technique.

Let's put you to the test. See if you can remember all 12.

Yes. Let's do this.

CHEERING

So, here we are. Explain what's going to happen now.

I've got to pick all the boxes, is that right?

Yeah, take me through the story you've just done

and we'll reveal the 12 objects.

Starting at this end. So what happened?

I woke up, there was a parrot... There was a deflated football.

-And parrot that had head-butted it.

-Yes.

Then I went down to my kitchen.

You know what I discovered down there?

Madness. There was a bra.

-Then false teeth.

-OK.

-Weird.

-Then?

-Then I needed to compose myself.

So I went to the weights room.

LAUGHTER

No, I didn't. Where did I go next?

AUDIENCE: Scullery!

I went to the scullery. I found Bruce Forsyth... No, I didn't.

I found a cuddly toy and a pineapple, that's what I found.

Very good.

Then I went to my weights room, I found Bieber and a dildo.

-That was ridiculous.

-What came after the dildo?

What came after the dildo?

LAUGHTER

That was... I went to the attic.

Up in the attic I saw a hair-dryer and a banana.

That's exactly what I saw.

Then finally, in the garden, I saw a hammer and some Red Bull.

There we go.

Take that one off.

Aaargh!

Jesus Christ!

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

Listen, what I do in my garden is my own business!

-LAUGHTER That worked.

-Thanks very much.

-That's how you did it, using your imagination and the story.

-Got it.

Trouble is, you're never going to forget that list.

I'll never forget that list?

You know one thing that'll never be forgotten? This.

Aaaagh!

MAN IN BOX GIGGLES

LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my Mystery Guest!

Now, Prince Charles wasn't the only Royal in the news.

The Queen needs a new butler.

'It looks like Her Majesty could do with a hand

'keeping her house in order.

'Posted on the Positions Vacant website for Buckingham Palace

'is this job for a housekeeping assistant.'

Working at Buckingham Palace, imagine the things you'd see.

Whoa!

I'd leave that five minutes if I were you. Busted!

So, cleaning royal turds all day,

you'd probably get paid a fortune, right?

Don't expect to earn a fortune.

At £14,200 per annum,

it's not the best-paid job in the world.

14 grand? What a tight arse!

"Chop, chop, pauper, Charles needs his testicles buffed."

LAUGHTER

Still, there are worse jobs. Check this out!

That is not a job. That is a farmer taking the piss.

"I can't believe it worked, all I need now is a tin man, a lion

"and I got me The Wizard of Oz."

I know what you're thinking.

What's the best thing about being a scarecrow?

'It has perks, I mean, I listen to podcasts.

'I was listening to a debate between

'Christopher Hitchens and somebody about

'the beginnings of the universe,'

I looked up, saw a squirrel doing acrobatics in a tree. It's got variety.

"I mean, yeah, my mates are earning money, meeting new people,

"but have they seen a squirrel do a star jump?"

LAUGHTER

"I'm so lonely!"

Mind you, he shouldn't be sad.

I've seen worse things happen in a field!

LAUGHTER

How unlucky is that cow?

"I've got me head stuck, what's the worst that can...

"Oh, no, Darren, no!"

So you're probably thinking royal cleaners, scarecrows -

jobs don't get weirder than that! Well, check out what this guy

in America does for a living.

Communication is a big part of what I teach.

'Eric Amaranth is a coach.

'His teaching methods are a bit unorthodox.'

Eric is a sex coach.

He's a sex coach.

So, does he chat to people about their hang-ups, show them diagrams?

Oh, no.

He feels that he's more helpful to his clients

when he actually watches them have sex.

That's right, as in standing at the foot of their bed.

"Hello!"

LAUGHTER

How weird would that be?

You're trying to have sex, there's a bloke there going,

"That's right, yeah."

LAUGHTER

"Yeah, yeah. Go on!

"Hit her on the head with it, it gets rid of wrinkles."

LAUGHTER

It's ridiculous! A sex coach. It's like something out of the '70s.

What does his advert look like? This?

Child support? Get f...

Hi, I'm Sex Coach.

With me in your life, you'll go from this...

..to this!

-Yes!

-Sex Coach!

I never used to find my wife attractive,

until Sex Coach showed me an ingenious new method.

LAUGHTER

Sex Coach!

I'll even help gay men!

But I will not be in the room.

So what are you waiting for?

Call me on 1800,

argh, argh, argh!

Don't take my word for it, check out what this guy thought...

Very nice!

APPLAUSE

Finally tonight, an amazing story

about an 11-year-old girl called Maria Rowe.

'This afternoon, 11-year-old Maria Rowe

'is enjoying an after-school snack with her father, John.

'He's still recovering from a major heart attack,

'a day she will never forget.

'Maria was watching TV when her dad collapsed and stopped breathing.

'She dialled 999 for an ambulance. This is a recording of that call.'

'Maria Rowe told the operator she knew what to do.'

I told my mum to put my dad on the floor,

because I was going to do CPR.

My dad was a bit heavy, so we both had to carry him down.

On the third round of CPR, my dad kind of breathed back to me.

Then the ambulance came and I was sent out of the room.

She said, "Calm down, Mummy. I will bring back Daddy."

It takes a lot of nerve to give CPR, no matter how old you are.

REPORTER: Considering your daughter's just 11?

She's a miracle worker. My angel.

REPORTER: 'Maria learnt her first aid as a cadet

'with the St John Ambulance

'and they've now nominated her for a national award.

'But Maria is unfazed. She says she's studying hard -

'she wants to be a doctor -

'and is just happy to have her dad back.'

Excellent. There you go.

APPLAUSE

Next up, it's time for my stand-up guest, his name is Nathan Caton,

he's very funny and has won many awards,

so please welcome the wonderful Nathan Caton!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hey, hey, hey. Yeah. Hello.

Hello, guys. You guys all right? CHEERING

Good, good, good. I should introduce myself - my name's Nathan Caton.

I'm a... I'm a Londoner. Any Londoners in?

CHEERING Yeah, I'm a Londoner.

A very proud Londoner, too, you know? After the summer that we had,

hosting the Olympics - did we enjoy the Olympics?

CHEERING They were good, innit? They were surprisingly good.

That's what made it even better.

Let's be honest - before the Olympics started

there was that typical British attitude towards it, innit?

Only in Great Britain could we have the Olympics,

the world's greatest sporting event,

and still be pissed off about it, all right?

We're the only nation...

Like, in Australia in 2000 when they got the Olympics they were over the moon.

They were like, "Yeah, we got the Olympics!"

In Greece in 2004 they were like, "Yes! The games come home!"

We get the Olympics and we're like, "Oh, for fuck's sake."

Who's paying for this shit?

I liked the Olympics, man.

I think what I liked the most about the Olympics was the way

it inspired young people to get involved in sport, you know?

the whole "inspire a generation". I thought that was lovely.

A prime example was the lighting of the Olympic flame.

Everyone thought it would be Sir Steve Redgrave

or Daley Thompson, but they got seven young people to do it,

which I thought was lovely because if you remember correctly,

the last summer we had where there was a bunch of young people running round London...

..with a fire in their hand wasn't exactly Olympic, was it?

I mean, technically some of them were going for gold.

Actually, I was fortunate enough to go to a few events, actually.

I went to the Olympic Park. That was cool.

Apart from all the random people who were coming up to me going,

"Oh, my gosh! You were so unlucky against Usain!"

Racist.

I also got denied entry into one of the arenas, too.

I got denied entry into one of the venues

for being too sarcastic towards one of the volunteers.

In my defence, she bloody deserved it, all right?

What happened was me and my brother,

we went to see the shooting at the Royal Artillery barracks.

We get to the venue, we get to the entrance.

The volunteers are there with scanners for our tickets.

One was a very enthusiastic middle-aged white lady.

She jumped in front of me and my brother and she goes,

"Hello! Good afternoon, how are you?

"Are you two here for the shooting?"

Now, if I was sensible, I would have just said, "Yes,"

but naturally I'm quite sarcastic so instead what came out of my mouth

was, "Two young black guys, that's what you think?

"That's what you think, yeah?"

She shat herself.

"No, no, no - I'm not racist. No, no!

"My next-door neighbour's black!"

APPLAUSE

See, that's the thing. I've noticed in the UK

we do get very touchy about appearing racist

and the whole issue of race.

I personally think relax. Chill out, man.

My neighbour, for example. I've got a neighbour called Mrs Bishop.

Lovely, sweet old lady but she's petrified of appearing racist.

So much so that whenever she talks to me or my family,

she never says the word "black".

Instead she says "Urban".

She'll say something like,

"Nathan, do you know that little urban kid from number five?

"You know, with the big urban hair?"

I'm like, "Mrs Bishop, you don't have to say that.

"That's dumb on so many different levels.

"One, urban is not an adequate replacement for black, OK?

"Urban's a city, hence anyone can be urban, right?

"Two, the word black isn't racist - it's a colour, right?

"I'm not going to get upset over a colour.

"I'm a human being, not a bull.

"And, three, even if the word black was racist,

"I still wouldn't be offended if you said it.

"Cos you're black, too."

APPLAUSE

So, yeah. That was my Olympic experience, man. I did enjoy it.

We've had a very good summer this year.

We've been spoiled for a lot of events.

Like, we had the Olympics, the Paralympics. Had the Jubilee as well.

I celebrated the Jubilee.

To be honest, I didn't celebrate it as much as I wanted to.

I wanted to go out to a street party to celebrate,

but I didn't go because I got scared.

Where I live there were lots of Union Jacks everywhere

and it looked a bit BNP, right?

I know that sounds quite dumb, but the thing is where I live,

I live in a predominantly white area cos I've got money.

Not really - they're Polish.

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Still quite scary though.

I did want to celebrate because I do like the royal family, man.

I do like them. Well, actually, when I say I like the royal family,

what I really mean is I love Prince Harry.

Prince Harry's a funny fucker, man. Some of the stuff that he does...

Like the naked photo of him in Las Vegas.

I thought that was hilarious, man.

So many people were slagging him off. Leave him alone.

It shows he's a normal guy who does normal dumb shit, you know?

Leave him alone, man. Leave my Prince Harry alone.

Also, some of the stuff that Prince Harry says as well makes me laugh,

like a few months ago he was talking to the US media.

He was talking about his difficulties that he was having in his love life

because apparently Prince Harry's finding it hard to attract a woman.

Piss off. You're a prince, dickhead.

How hard can it be to attract a woman when you're a prince?

I've seen Coming To America, I've seen Aladdin. It's not that hard.

But it's not like he's a regular bloke who has to do regular bloke things.

Like, guys, when we want to attract a woman we have to make an effort, innit?

We have to do all of the boring, unnecessary stuff, you know?

Like listening.

Prince Harry, he ain't got to do that. He's a Prince.

He's got the easiest chat-up line in the world.

He can walk up to any girl and go, "Hey, baby. How are you doing?

"Sick and tired of paying tax?"

That's it. Who's going to say no to that?

I wouldn't even say no to that.

I'm not even gay, but even I'd be like, "Hmm...

"I don't like sucking dick, but I really don't like paying tax."

That's not being gay - that's economical.

No, I would. I don't give a shit.

A lot of guys freak out when you ask them that.

I was talking to my brother, right?

Me and my brother having banter, playing Fifa or whatever

and I said to him, "Bruv, can I ask you a question?"

He was like, "Yeah, what, yeah, yeah, what?"

I was like, "Bruv, it's hypothetical, all right?

"If you could go the rest of your life without paying any tax,

"would you suck Prince Harry's dick?"

And he went, "Oh, blood, I ain't doing that, man!

"That's disgusting, blood, nah, man." I was like, "OK, chill out.

"It's just a question. You ain't got to be homophobic."

And he was like, "Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. I don't care about being gay.

"He's ginger, innit?"

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That's my brother, man. My brother's 17. Just turned 17.

He's one of those young, you know, wannabe bad boys.

Like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, you get me? Oh, my days, yeah?

"But still, you get me, yeah? You get me?"

Yeah, one of them bell-ends.

I mean, I love him, but we don't see eye-to-eye on certain stuff now.

He doesn't think I'm cool and young and hip any more.

And also, when he tries to be a bad boy,

every now and again he gets me into trouble, right?

Because I'm his older brother.

Right, at the start of the year he got into a fight at school

and because I'm the eldest my mother came up to me.

So, "Nathan, come here, come here. Listen, talk to your brother, OK?

"He got into a fight at school and he got suspended as well. Right, listen.

"Talk to the boy or I'm going to kill him."

I'm like, "Don't worry, man. I'll sort it out."

So the next day rolls around. It's lunch time.

Just me and my brother sitting in the house.

He's sitting there doing nothing cos he's been suspended from school

and I'm sitting there doing nothing cos my career's on fire

so I thought it'd be a good time to talk, right?

I say, "Bruv. Why are you fighting at school, man?

"You know better than that. Gwan."

And my brother, he's like, "Oh, yeah. Cool, yeah. Cool, yeah. Cool, yeah.

"Cool, yeah. Cool, yeah. Cool, yeah. Cool, yeah.

"Safe, yeah. Safe, yeah. Safe, yeah. Safe, yeah.

"Cool, yeah. Cool, yeah. Safe, yeah. Safe, yeah.

"You get me, you get me, you get me.

"OK, basically, OK, basically, yo, blood,

"yo, blood, yo, blood, yo, blood.

"You know where I go? You know where I go, yeah?

"You know where I go in the morning, yeah?

"You know where I go in the morning, yeah?

"Yeah, I'm at school, I'm at school, I'm at school, yeah, right?

"After school, yeah, this little kid, yeah, yeah, younger than me, yeah?

"Man don't even know me, man don't even know me,

"still, though, blood, yeah." Man comes up to me, yeah,

"and he starts pushing me. I'm like, you don't know me.

"Don't push me, you don't even know me,

"Then, yeah, man starts poking me.

"I'm like, bruv, don't poke me. It's not Facebook, yeah?

"Don't poke me, don't poke me, yeah?

"Man got my bag, yeah? And chucked it over the fence, innit, yeah?

"I ain't going to have that. It's my bag, I like it, yeah?

"So I grab his bag, too, yeah?

"And I chucked his as well, yeah, then he hit me in my face, yeah?

"In my face, yeah? And you know Mum, you know Mum?

"You know the woman who gave birth to...? Oh, you know her!

"Safe, safe, safe, safe. You know Mum, yeah?

You know Mum always says if someone hits you, hit 'em, back, yeah?

"He hit me in the face, yeah? So I hit him back.

"Standard."

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Thanks for clapping because I'll be honest -

I didn't know what the hell he was talking about, all right?

All I heard was him go, "Standard," at the end, right?

Like, I've noticed that my brother and his friends, they always go,

"Standard," at the end of a sentence.

I'm like, "Why would you say that?

"I'm an adult - I can work out the end for myself, dickhead."

Adults, we wouldn't say that because it would sound ridiculous.

You know, like, say that for example, you're having sex with your partner.

You're never going to see a man go, "Yeah, baby, I'm going to come, baby.

"Oh, baby. Oh. Urgh.

"Standard."

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You wouldn't say that.

But I guarantee someone is going to say it this week.

So, uh... So I looked at my little brother.

I was like, "Bruv, I tell you what, yeah?

"Tomorrow, when you go to school, right, I'll come and pick you up, right?

"We'll talk to the boy and we'll sort it all out. Don't worry."

So next day I meet my brother after school.

I'm like, "Bruv, where is this kid, man? Let's go and sort stuff out."

And we walk around to a nearby bus stop, right,

and he points out this tall, lanky kid.

Now, the kid is only 14, but he's so lanky

he looks like he's 30 or some shit, right?

I was like, "Holy shit, bruv. Yo, bruv, that at the size of him, man.

"Yeah, I tell you what, I tell you what, yeah?

"You walk behind me, all right? I'm going to handle this one."

So I walk up to the boy.

That's how you have to approach young kids.

You can't walk up to a young kid all relaxed and casual.

That's how you get stabbed.

"Yo, blood? Come here.

"Yeah, so...

"Word on the street is you've got a problem with my brother.

"Well, guess what?

"You got a problem with him, you got a problem with me."

And he looks at me and goes, "Yeah. I've got a problem with your brother.

"He thinks he's the man just because you've been on television."

Now, I'm not going to lie.

When he said that there was a tiny part of me

that wanted to look at my brother and go,

"He has got a point, though!"

"Standard!"

But then the boy goes, "You know what?

"You're not even funny, dickhead."

As soon as he says that, I'm like, "Oh, shit, it's on now."

I'm not going to have that.

I'm a comedian so I make a little cheeky comment back.

I go, "Hey, relax, relax. Don't be jealous. You could be the man, too.

"After all, we all saw your family on My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding."

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Yeah, boom.

Soon as I say that, all of the kids that are standing around us,

they start laughing, right?

Now, I don't know if you've ever seen high school kids

when they're laughing together. They proper go for it, man.

Cos I said the line and they were like,

"Oh! Oh, no! Oh, shit!

"Oh, my days, blood - he called your family gypsies! Oh!"

Going mental And I'm standing there going, "Wow.

"Can you guys come to my gigs?"

So they are all laughing, right?

The boy gets embarrassed cos everyone's laughing.

He drops his back, he steps towards me, goes, "What?"

I'm like, "Listen, bruv. You heard what I said, yeah?

"Leave my brother alone."

He takes another step forward and now he's, like, right in my face.

And at that moment there were two things going through my head.

The first thing was,

"Whoa - how much Lynx did these boys wear nowadays, man?"

And the second thing was, "Is he serious?

"He's 14 years old and he's trying to intimidate me."

That's not going to happen, OK?

I refuse to be intimidated by someone who is younger than a Nokia 3210.

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Obviously I'm not going to fight him, though. Because that's wrong.

I'm an adult, he's a kid.

I'm not going to put my hands on a minor, so I looked at him.

I was like, "You know what, bruv?

"Do me a favour - in fact, do yourself a favour and get out my face, bruv.

"Trust me, man. Get out my face."

And he looks at me and he goes, "Or what? Or what?"

And this is when I proved for a fact to my brother

that I'm no longer cool and young and hip any more

because I came out with a line that I have never said before in my life

and I'll never say again because, frankly, when I say it, I sound like a dick.

I looked at this little kid and I honestly went,

"Or it's going to go down in Chinatown."

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It was so shit, even my brother went, "For fuck's sake."

Listen, you guys have been lovely.

I've been Nathan Caton. Thank you very much, goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for Nathan Caton!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much for watching Good News.

Goodnight, my friends. Goodnight.