Episode 6 Russell Howard's Good News Extra

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

Hello!

Hello, and welcome to Good News.

So - what's been happening? Over on BBC Breakfast, Susanna Reid revealed her ultimate turn-on.

Slow...cooking.

Bill Turnbull was so excited, he had an orgasm.

Ah...

Here's a tip. Don't do a report on fish if you're scared of fish!

And look - they're big. This one is about 12lbs,

but they can grow... SHE SHRIEKS IN TERROR

And finally, there's been loads of Halloween costumes in the news

but this was definitely my favourite.

It's like Bill Gates with a really itchy nose!

The big news in the US was all about Hurricane Sandy.

Superstorm Sandy leaves a trail of devastation across the eastern coast of the United States.

Obama said this...

You need to take this very seriously.

And minutes later, some kids did this...

Just had a brief lull...

WORDS DROWNED OUT BY AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

They weren't the only ones pissing about.

Did you know some people were actually SURFING in the middle of the storm?

Judging by this interview, some of them were pretty stoned when they did it.

SLURRED: You get the best barrels ever, dude... You fall in,

and you get spit right out of 'em!

You just drop in and just... smack it... Whoopeh!

HE BECOMES INCREASINGLY INDISTINCT

..and then after that, you just drop in, ride the barrel and get pitted!

Back in Britain, and we're in the money!

Britain is officially out of recession.

The latest figures show the economy grew by 1%

in the three months to September.

This guy was so delighted, he did an impression of a nodding dog.

The economic growth in 2012 as a whole is positive.

STEPH McGOVERN: We heard Wayne though saying that

it doesn't feel much different to him, he doesn't feel like

we're suddenly out of recession, even though the news today...

Mind you, it's little wonder we're making so much dollar

when the country's got salesmen like this.

# Come on, ladies, come on, ladies

# One pound fish!

# Come on, ladies, come on, ladies

# One pound fish!

# One pound fish!

# Come and have a look! One pound fish!

# Very, very good! One pound fish!

# Very, very cheap! One pound fish!

# Six for five pound, one pound each... #

If only he'd say how much it cost(!)

The most incredible part of this story -

have you seen one of the reasons why we're out of recession?

50 Shades Of Grey!

People have spent millions on sex toys. It's true!

And...there's been a 200% increase

in the sales of jiggle balls!

Which means the economy turning around isn't due to Cameron or Osborne -

it's down to wanking mums!

Very nice!

You dirty little heroes!

Britain's back in the green cos you're flicking your bean!

Imagine kids in the future - "Mummy...how did Britain get out of the 2012 double-dip recession?"

"Love beads!"

Mind you, sex toys are all well and good, but one word of advice - never fart in a gimp suit.

50 Shades wasn't the only book making headlines this week.

Did you see Pippa Middleton has got a book out?

The Duchess of Cambridge's sister has been promoting her first book.

Pippa Middleton's first attempt in print

is described as a one-stop guide to entertaining throughout the year.

Wow! A book on entertaining!

So what incredibly original ideas does she have

that nobody could ever think of?

Pippa offers practical party tips like...

Wow!

What other tips has she got?

"If you go to the cinema... why not try a thing called popcorn!

"Look at my bum!

"It's all roundy-roundy magic happy!"

Did you see her press launch?

There was a great moment when a little girl slammed her sister.

-How old are you...? Six?

-Nearly seven.

I bet when you're ten, you'll love pink and princesses.

I hate princesses.

"I also hate people who are just famous for their arse.

"Jog on, pumpkin butt!"

This book is such bollocks.

She had an entire section on fancy dress.

Not one mention of this guy...

Now - I know it's wrong...

LAUGHTER

..but this story really made me laugh.

31-year-old William Martinez

suffered a heart attack and died during a threesome.

He had a heart attack and died during a threesome!

GOAT SCREECHES

I'd love to see that funeral. "He died doing what he loved...

"..and her friend"!

What a weird way to die.

"I'm coming...!" "I'm going."

It gets weirder. Look what happened to his wife.

Martinez's wife has been awarded 3 million after filing

a lawsuit against her husband's doctor for lack of proper care.

How is it the doctor's fault?!

What's he supposed to do? "Take these tablets twice a day, and easy on the gangbangs!"

Not that it's the weirdest story about death in the news.

Check this out, from Serbia.

Grieving 72-year-old Milan Marinkovic

wanted to fulfil his wife Milena's last request not to be forgotten...

by having her likeness carved on her grave.

Aaah! Isn't that sweet?

It's the sweetest thing I've ever heard.

So what did he put on her grave? A lovely picture of her face?

It wasn't her face that the dying woman wanted her husband to remember the most...

it was her vagina.

She's got a cast of her vagina...on her grave?!

Very nice!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I love the fact that it was her idea!

On her deathbed - "Will you do one thing for me when I die?

"You couldn't put my growler on a grave, could you?"

Wouldn't it be awful if she didn't actually want this?

If it turned out her husband was deaf...

and she was just a massive fan of a bloke called Mike Hunt?!

"I want Mike Hunt on me grave.

"Me and Mike Hunt together for ever -

"d'you know, I want people to stare all day at me and Mike Hunt."

She's got a vagina on her grave!

Do you know who I feel sorry for? Her grandchildren.

"Do you want to visit your nan's grave?" "NO-O-O-O-O!"

They'll be SO freaked out.

"Mum? What's that?"

"Well, erm... that's a butterfly with an Afro."

Christ, what's HIS gravestone going to look like? This?!

So, you're probably thinking threesome death, fanny tombstone,

it can't get weirder than that.

Well, have a look what this bloke did to his cat.

What do you do when your cat dies? Have a cry?

No - you turn him into a helicopter.

He turned his cat into a helicopter!

He's the worst parent ever!

"Dad, have you seen Tiddles?"

R-r-r-r-r-r-r-r...!

The poor birds! Imagine that.

"Lovely day up here..."

"Fuckin' hell!

"They've learned to fly!"

It's ridiculous. Cats aren't meant to fly.

You just ask this little fella.

Some crazy education stories in the news.

Have a look at what this student did.

61-year-old Ellen Vick

says her students put an extra boost in her morning coffee.

And investigators believe it was much more than caffeine.

Damn right. Look what he slipped in her drink...

They found something called GluteBoost.

According to the company's website,

it is designed to add a little more junk in your trunk.

He spiked his teacher's coffee with arse-enhancing pills!

Ain't nobody got time for that!

It's the weirdest prank ever. "I hate my teacher so much...

"I'm going to give her a really sexy arse!

"Bitch!"

It's ridiculous - surely if you're going to do anything to an arse, you do this...

Mind you, if you think bubble-butting your teacher's arse is a prank gone wrong,

check out what happened to this woman on BBC Radio Ulster...

And what was the horrendous message she read out...?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What?!

How can you read that out?!

It's the biggest story - use your brain!

Now, talking of idiocy,

take a look at this bizarre story from the Ukraine.

What absolute bollocks!

Are there kids going... "Oh, look. A talking sponge who plays his nose like a flute...

"..I wonder what it's like to suck a dick?"

I must have missed the episode where SpongeBob did poppers and tromboned Patrick.

Imagine coming out in the Ukraine. How scary would that be?

"Mum, Dad...I think I'm Squarepants."

SpongeBob doesn't turn kids gay. He just makes them lose their shit.

SPONGEBOB TOY TALKS

KIDS SHRIEK

Either that or there's cocaine in that orange juice.

Mind you, if you think the Ukrainian government is bad,

have you heard what they're doing in schools in England?

Concerns have been raised over children's privacy

after it was revealed that schools across the country,

including eight in this region,

are using CCTV cameras in toilets and changing rooms.

What?!

How creepy's that?!

"Shall we spend money on books?" "Nah...

"..let's watch them have a shit!"

How scary would that be?!

You're having a dump, and then suddenly,

"Make sure you wipe properly.

"I'm watching you."

It's a terrible idea!

It's like some weird toilet version of Big Brother.

MARCUS BENTLEY: 'Day 14, and the girls are discussing their upcoming GCSEs.

'Meanwhile, in the boys',

'Darren and Russell are seeing how far they can piss up the wall.'

Eeeey...

AUDIENCE GROANS

You think that's mad, you should see what happens in toilets in the Ukraine.

Oh, ja! Oooh, SpongeBob!

LAUGHTER

Oh, ja!

In political news, it's been a bad week for Silvio Berlusconi.

The former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi...

..has been sentenced to four years in jail after being convicted of tax evasion...

Bye-bye to bunga bunga man.

Did you see the moment the Italian people heard about the news?

'Silvio Berlusconi has been sentenced to four years in jail for tax fraud.'

RAUCOUS CHEERING

I doubt he cares.

That orange pervert probably thinks prison will be like this...

"Eeeh!"

It won't. It will be like this...

LAUGHTER

Incredibly, despite the fact he's been found guilty,

he's never going to go to jail. Have you seen the reason why?

'Few people over 70 in Italy go to jail any more.

'Instead, they're put under house arrest,

'thanks to a law brought by - yes - 76-year-old Mr Berlusconi himself.'

-BAD BERLUSCONI IMPRESSION:

-I also pass the law that means every man

over 70 must be woken up by a blow job...

I don't know where I'm from, either.

I know it's wrong, but I'll miss Berlusconi if he's under house arrest.

I mean, we'll never see him do stuff like this.

LAUGHTER

Despite the hurricane, the US election rumbles on.

Barack Obama has become the first US president to vote early in an election.

His campaign want Democrats to cast their ballots as soon as possible.

He wasn't voting, he was doing this...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

He's had a tough old week, Obama.

He's been under attack from Donald Trump.

Now, Trump refuses to believe that Obama was born in America.

Look what he's done.

President Obama is the least transparent president

in the history of this country.

Trump says he will give 5 million

to the charity of President Obama's choice,

if Mr Obama will release his college records

and passport applications.

So, how did Obama respond? He slammed him.

What's this thing with Trump and you? I don't...

It's like me and Letterman. What has he got against you?

This all dates back to when we were growing up together in Kenya.

LAUGHTER

Boom!

Mind you, if you think that's a slam,

check out what this guy said about Mitt Romney.

TV PLAYS

Mom, Dad, the election's coming up soon.

We're tired right now, honey, go back to your room.

Sorry, my friend, but there's no time to snore.

An out-of-touch millionaire has just declared war.

On schools, the environment, unions, fair pay.

We're all on our own if Romney has his way.

And he's against safety nets - if you fall, tough luck.

So I strongly suggest that you wake the fuck up.

LAUGHTER

You'd never get an advert like that over here.

Just Ray Winstone, "Vote Lib Dem, you slag!"

This is the part of the show I don't know anything about.

There's a mystery guest who's been in the news.

I have to figure out who that person is.

So, please welcome my mystery guest!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello.

-Hi. Nice to meet you.

-Hello, nice to meet you. What's your name?

-Nileeka.

-Nileeka. What a lovely name.

-Thank you.

-So, this is...

-I'm getting sort of an Arabian Nights theme.

-No, not at all, no.

I just came off as a bit racist there.

-So, has it got anything to do with cushions?

-No, not really.

OK...

That's not an outline of a really big turd you did?

-Please tell me that's not why you're here.

-That's not why I'm here!

The last thing we need is a poo sculptor.

So...

So, has it got anything to do with these plants?

-There's something near those plants that's kind of a clue.

-OK, excellent.

-The thing there, yes. Shall we have a look?

-Right, so it's underneath here?

-Yeah.

-OK. There you go, there's David Cameron.

-Yeah.

-Excellent.

So it's got something to do with David Cameron.

-Are you a big fan of his?

-Not particularly.

LAUGHTER

What would you like to do to David Cameron?

Pretend I'm David Cameron, right in front of you now.

What would you like to do?

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Am I helping you at all, here?

I quite like the fact that we're having this awkward moment.

So something to do with David Cameron. Any other clues?

-I can show you something. OK.

-Excellent.

-OK, that looks like the beginning of a dance.

-Aah, yes, you're warm.

I'm warm, OK. You...you've danced for David Cameron.

-No. No, I haven't, no.

-OK, but you do a dance in honour of David Cameron?

Kind of. He said something about this.

He said, "You haven't got the moves, Mama"?

LAUGHTER No, no, no.

What did he say about your dancing?

Well, David Cameron said that Indian dancing wasn't really exercise.

Really? What an arsehole.

Look at that fat, smug prick, up there.

He's not in shape.

I know, well, this is why we challenged him

-to come to one of our Indian dance classes.

-And did he come?

-No.

He didn't come?

Come on, Dave, if you're watching the show, come on.

LAUGHTER

-So, we're going to have a dance.

-We are going to do a bit of dancing.

-This could be awkward.

-It could be awkward.

-I'm not known for my moves.

-Can you help me?

-I can try, shall we give it a go?

-I'd love to.

-But before that, let's check this out.

-Oh, lovely.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

R-r-r-ight.

-You look lovely. I feel a bit silly.

-You look great.

-Thank you. So can you teach me how to dance?

-Yes. We're going to teach you some moves.

-OK.

So, the first move you're going to do, your hands will be up here.

You're going to go, one, two, three, four, flat hands, flat hands.

-There we go. Shall we go again?

-Yeah.

-BOTH: One, two, three, four.

-You don't need to go down...

-I can't help it!

-Right.

-Again.

-One, two, three, four.

-Just the hands, perfect.

-Just the hands.

It's just the rest of my body wants to join in.

-Just stick to the hands.

-Christ!

So, the next move, you're going to use your right leg

and you're going to come in, out, in, out.

And then you're going to go round, two, three, four.

-So it's like you're trying to get rid of dog shit off your shoe.

-LAUGHTER

Flat hands.

APPLAUSE

-It's going pretty well.

-Last move. It's called the windscreen wipers.

-OK.

-Your hands are here, and you're going to go down...and up...

-Are you going a different way from me?

-I don't know, I have no idea.

-I'm going this way.

-I was doing the low-down.

LAUGHTER

Whoosh, whoosh, then up.

That's it. Double the speed, so we go...

-Double speed, whoa, whoa...

-Three, four,

and then we're going to go one, two, three, four.

Let's just take it to a car wash!

-Shall we do it?

-Yes, let's do it.

OK.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So, five, six, seven, eight, and cue music!

BOLLYWOOD MUSIC PLAYS

-..two, three, four... Ready?

-Yeah.

We're going to go into our moves. So, we go in, out, in, out, round...

And again!

Round! Let's go for the wipers! Go!

Wipers again!

-Now, I'm going to pose. You're going to pose.

-Yes!

-Turn!

Freestyle - wash the fucking thing.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, we're going to freestyle now. Stand there. Freestyle!

You're going to pose now. You're going to pose here.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done, thank you very much.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for my mystery guest!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Did you hear about the talking whale?

A stunning revelation from a San Diego research facility -

a male beluga whale apparently mimicking human speech.

Take a listen to this.

MUFFLED WAILING

Whale music is meant to be relaxing.

How is that going to send you to sleep?

HE SCREECHES

Sounds like SpongeBob trying to shit a kazoo.

Mind you, if you listen carefully, he's actually singing this...

# Come on, ladies, come on, ladies, one pound fish! #

Whales want to talk, dolphins - they've got other ideas.

Mind you, it isn't just whales that are talking.

Check out this story about bins.

'This is actually Britain's brainiest bin.

'These bins will send a text message to individual street cleaners,

'telling them they need emptying.'

You can get text messages off a bin.

How confusing would that be for binmen? "'I'm filthy.

"'Come here and clean me'?

"Is this the girl I met in the pub the other day?

"Send.

"'No, it's a fucking bin.'"

Finally, this story is about a very determined young art student

called Heather Purdham.

'Heather Purdham can paint with her hand, but it's painful.

'Hypermobility syndrome means her joints are loose.

'She finds it difficult to grip the brush.

-'She feared she'd have to give up.'

-I was sitting in my art lesson.

I started crying, it was really embarrassing.

My art teacher took me to one side and was like, if you want,

you don't have to do the subject.

But you're talented, I'm sure you can find a way around it.

'She loves the work of the artist Alison Lapper,

'who was born without arms and holds the brush in her mouth. So Heather tried the same technique

'and discovered by dabbing the brush on the canvas, she could create art.'

I thought, this actually looks really good

and I don't have to drop art.

It was... I was overjoyed.

'In her A-level art sketchbooks, a photo she took from a train window.

'A photo that inspired this painting,

'done entirely with the brush in her mouth.'

It's such a wonderful painting. It's not just

that she painted it with her mouth. If she had done it with her hands,

it would be an amazing piece in its own right.

Just because you have a disability,

it doesn't mean that you have to stop doing something.

I think there are always ways that you can adapt,

even if it's not the conventional thing to do.

Excellent, isn't it? There you go.

Next up, it's time for my stand-up guest.

He is the self-proclaimed greatest French comedian...

in the UK.

Please welcome the fabulous Marcel Lucont!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Bon.

Well, well.

Here I am.

I am Marcel Lucont, in case there was any doubt.

LAUGHTER

Truly, I think this should be the decor for every room in the world.

Well. It's my first time to play this show.

It is of course an absolute honour...

for you to have me here tonight.

LAUGHTER

I will talk at you for some time, and then go.

It is bizarre, as ever, to be in England. Strange attitude.

Trying to make a shop in Tesco.

Supermarche.

And the woman grows angry with me because I have 11 items...

in my...

jacket.

LAUGHTER

You have so many things, Tesco. Give some away.

I won't lie to you. I'm quite drunk.

Why not?

It's OK. I still get paid.

Very generous with alcohol.

And before this, wine and more wine.

Before that...

three, maybe four beers.

It's cool, you know what they say.

Beer and then wine makes you feel...

women's breasts without their permission.

LAUGHTER

Look out.

Nice boots.

Leather boots.

It's good.

Not big leather.

Not "fuck me" boots.

"Finger me" boots.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

They say it's not professional, drinking.

"Oh, don't drink during the show or before the show, Marcel.

"Leave it till after, the alcohol".

In the words of Berlusconi's inner monologue,

fuck that.

LAUGHTER

So.

I arrived this summer in England,

the beginning of British Summer Time. (SNIGGERS)

Seemed to go really well.

Five days of sun.

It was fun to read on the front page of your national bible,

the Sun newspaper.

The front of the Sun, it reads "Remember - clocks go forward".

The English have to explain the nature of time...

LAUGHTER

..To the entire nation.

I was disappointed not to read the following day

"Remember - crabs go sideways".

I was here for the Jubilee bullshit as well in London.

Kissing your sovereign's ring for two extra days' holiday.

"Thank you".

Subservient bastards.

Never understand how you treat royalty in this country. We...

..decapitated ours.

You choose to leave yours out in the rain for several hours.

LAUGHTER

And force them to watch Cheryl Cole.

It's more cruel, if anything.

But you're at least learning how to protest in England.

A little too good at it last summer.

The Occupy movement, big for you.

Took a while for it to catch on for us.

The phrase "Occupy France" did not settle well with us.

Thank you, Germany.

I feel for you, England.

"The coalition, it's not working".

Who would have thought?

We get someone from the right, someone from the left,

put together - harmony!

No, it's fucked.

Of course it's fucked. Always to be fucked.

It was always going to go this way. I feel for you.

The dichotomy of your coalition is what I feel in my own body.

Often, my brain will come with a liberal thought,

only to be vetoed by a penis.

LAUGHTER

At least I know my penis will never withdraw from Europe.

But I live now in London for too long.

It's so expensive in this town.

My friend Jean-Luc and his lover, they buy their apartment in London.

I go and visit and look at the size of it.

I say "Jean-Luc, you are paid this much, and it's so small.

"There is no room to swing..."

And I was right.

The orgy that night was really cramped.

LAUGHTER

We have since both moved back to Bordeaux.

I would not mind the price of London if it all worked, but it does not.

You go in the shop - "Can I get this done?" "Ooh, I don't know".

Some idiot children working behind the counter. It's no good.

Call me old-fashioned,

but I just don't think the phrase "How can I help you?"

should be rhetorical.

LAUGHTER

The only city in the world where the phrase "take care"

sounds like a threat.

Children are useless anyway. Useless.

We have 7 billion persons in the world. "Oh, we need another child!"

No.

No, we don't. Stop it.

It's useless.

By the time a child is big enough to carry anything useful,

it is old enough to report you for making them do it.

To me, children, they are like bongo drums.

Slightly irritating.

It's fashionable for the rich to bring them back from Africa.

LAUGHTER

And persons tend to grow angry if you beat one in public.

The wintertime is here,

Christmas almost upon us.

Not a fan of Christmas at all.

Where I'm from, we don't so much celebrate Christmas, more New Year.

My father said, "Marcel,

"better to celebrate the passing of time than religion.

"Religion," he said,

"has been the cause of death for so many persons all over the world."

I never wished to point out that time is just as guilty of this.

If not more so.

At least in France, we appreciate the winter, the snow.

You enjoy the snow?

-Yeah.

-Yeah...

White shit from the sky.

I don't think in London you do.

When the snow arrives, you say,

"Oh, oh, clear away the snow as soon as we can!

"It may contain terrorists! Get rid of the snow!"

Us, we frolic, we enjoy the snow.

We build ourselves a bonhomme de neige, the, uh...

snowman. Of course.

So much better, bonhomme de neige - "a good man of the snow".

We are proud of him.

Build him up, give to him strong shoulders, a good scarf,

a good hat, a pipe, if he is lucky.

In your country, you say, "Oh, let us build an effigy of a man

"to whom we can pelt snow until his fucking head comes off!"

So brutal.

It is a terrible way to go.

Imagine to be decapitated

by your own balls.

It's what you do.

Well, it's time for a little bit of poetry. I am the self-published,

self award-winning author of several books of poetry.

I give to you a choice... No, I won't give to you a choice.

Some of you may know my work already,

the classic poems,

my ode to sex in the public lavatory.

"Baise-Moi Ce Soir Dans Le Pissoir."

My ode to erectile dysfunction...

"No Hard Feelings".

But tonight, my ode to the breasts of British woman,

"The Tits Of The Brits."

Breasts of the British women, supposedly, the biggest of Europe.

HE SNORTS

Don't be proud of this.

Breasts of the Frenchwoman,

perkiest of Europe. It's a fact.

Girls of my town are made to stand on their hands for one hour a day

just to really make the perky.

My response to the large British breasts.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

The tits of the Brits

Are the biggest and best breasts in Europe, they say.

But who are they to say?

And is biggest best anyway?

When they stay out to play in a man's randy hands

Will they stand to attention without intervention?

And that's not to mention the standard of man you'll encounter

When touting your mountainous peaks,

Men who drool like a fool and truly lose all cool

As they stare all the while at the vertical smile

Of a gleaming, heaving cleavage.

When the men end their frenzied endeavours with haste,

Ignoring your face, the fun's up

And although the D-cup runneth over,

The owner's alone

Now the boner has gone.

The petite titty sits pretty when tipped up.

It's tip-top when on top.

The sleek, subtle peaks within reach,

Each a pink, pointy peach.

LAUGHTER

Pity the big titty

Who claims superior-ity

When in later years gravity interferes

So instead of two spheres

They will smother your ears

As you sleep in your bed

Dreaming instead you were blessed with a chest

Which may not have impressed the testosterone drones

Who won't rest in their quest

To squeeze handfuls of flesh

While the smartest attest

That biggest is not best.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

So, now I have made friends with you...

I shoot off into the night, see what London can offer to me.

Don't hope for much.

When I first arrive, I say, "Where can I find the women?"

"Oh, Marcel, go the nightclub."

Of course! I am looking for a woman

covered in 500 other men's sweat

who enjoys to be shouted at while deafened also by shit music.

"Go the nightclub!"

It's no good.

I don't enjoy the London nightclub.

I find the women of the London nightclubs

usually very similar to the toilets of the London nightclubs.

They are either engaged

or vacant.

Some of them are disabled, but...

GASPS AND LAUGHTER

That has been it from me.

I have been Marcel Lucont

and in many ways, I still am.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen, Marcel Lucont!

Thanks very much for watching Good News.

Good night, my friends. Good night!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd